| Original Full Text | www.ssoar.infoLeitmotifs in Life Stories: Developments andStabilities of Religiosity and Narrative IdentityBullik, RamonaVeröffentlichungsversion / Published VersionDissertation / phd thesisZur Verfügung gestellt in Kooperation mit / provided in cooperation with:transcript VerlagEmpfohlene Zitierung / Suggested Citation:Bullik, R. (2024). Leitmotifs in Life Stories: Developments and Stabilities of Religiosity and Narrative Identity. (BiUPGeneral). Bielefeld: Bielefeld University Press. https://doi.org/10.14361/9783839471227Nutzungsbedingungen:Dieser Text wird unter einer CC BY-NC-ND Lizenz(Namensnennung-Nicht-kommerziell-Keine Bearbeitung) zurVerfügung gestellt. Nähere Auskünfte zu den CC-Lizenzen findenSie hier:https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/deed.deTerms of use:This document is made available under a CC BY-NC-ND Licence(Attribution-Non Comercial-NoDerivatives). For more Informationsee:https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0Diese Version ist zitierbar unter / This version is citable under:https://nbn-resolving.org/urn:nbn:de:0168-ssoar-93319-4Ramona BullikLeitmotifs in Life StoriesBiUP GeneralRamona Bullik is a post-doctoral researcher at Universität Bielefeld, Germany, in theCenter for the InterdisciplinaryResearch inReligionandSociety (CIRRuS).Her researchfocuses on narrative identity, specializing in religious narrative identity over the adultlifespan.With a background in linguistics, she is especially interested in argumentationstrategies and ways of autobiographical reasoning. One main focus in her work is thereligiosity of women and intercultural comparison of German and US-American reli-giosities and worldviews.Ramona BullikLeitmotifs in Life StoriesDevelopments and Stabilities of Religiosityand Narrative IdentityConcurrently a dissertation at BielefeldUniversity, 2021/ZeitgleichDissertationUniver-sität Bielefeld, 2021Part of the Open Access book production was covered by a grant from Bielefeld Uni-versity’s publication fond. Data used in this work were collected in a series of researchprojects that were funded by generous grants from the German Research Foundation(Deutsche Forschungsgemeinschaft) and the John Templeton Foundation.Bibliographic information published by the Deutsche NationalbibliothekThe Deutsche Nationalbibliothek lists this publication in the Deutsche Nationalbibli-ografie; detailed bibliographic data are available in the Internet at https://dnb.dnb.de/This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives4.0 (BY-NC-ND)whichmeans that the textmay be used for non-commercial purposes, providedcredit is given to the author.https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/To create an adaptation, translation, or derivative of the original work and for commercialuse, further permission is required and can be obtained by contacting rights@transcript-publishing.comCreative Commons license terms for re-use do not apply to any content (such as graphs, figures,photos, excerpts, etc.) not original to the Open Access publication and further permission maybe required from the rights holder. The obligation to research and clear permission lies solelywith the party re-using the material.First published in 2024 by Bielefeld University Press, Bielefeld© Ramona BullikAn Imprint of transcript Verlag https://www.transcript-verlag.de/bielefeld-upCover layout: Maria Arndt, BielefeldProofread: William AndrewsPrinted by: Majuskel Medienproduktion GmbH,Wetzlarhttps://doi.org/10.14361/9783839471227Print-ISBN: 978-3-8376-7122-3PDF-ISBN: 978-3-8394-7122-7Printed on permanent acid-free text paper.ContentsAcknowledgments .............................................................................91. Introduction .............................................................................. 11Notes .......................................................................................... 132. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity ................................. 152.1 Narration and Autobiography—Making Sense of One’s Own Life ............................. 162.2 Autobiographical Reasoning—Creating Coherence and Credibility .......................... 202.2.1 Autobiographical Arguments ....................................................... 202.2.2 Narratives Told in Autobiographies ................................................. 222.3 Narrative Identity—Creation and Adaptation of Personal Myths in the Lifespan ............. 242.4 Talking about Religion: From Stages to Styles and Typesand the Development of a Religious Identity............................................... 30Notes ......................................................................................... 343. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape ............................ 373.1 Studying Couples ......................................................................... 373.1.1 Dirty Linen: Couples as Seen Through Their Laundry ................................ 393.1.2 Thrice-told Tales. Married Couples Tell their Stories................................. 403.2 Gender Differences in Religiosity and Narrating ........................................... 433.2.1 Paths to Fulfillment. Women’s Search for Meaning and Identity ...................... 453.3 Relevance of my Own Research and Explication of Research Questions .................... 48Notes ......................................................................................... 504. Methods ................................................................................. 534.1 Sample Description....................................................................... 544.2 Research with the Faith Development Interview ........................................... 604.2.1 Coding for Religious Styles Using the Manual for the Assessmentof Religious Styles ................................................................ 624.2.2 Coding for Content and Narrative Using ATLAS.ti.................................... 644.3 Inclusion of Selected Scales Based on the Questionnaires ................................. 684.3.1 Religious Schema Scale (RSS) ..................................................... 684.3.2 Ryff Scales on Psychological Well-Being (Ryff Scale) ............................... 694.3.3 NEO Five-Factor-Inventory (NEO-FFI) ............................................... 704.4 Triangulation of Longitudinal Data—Putting it All Together ................................. 704.5 Structure of the Case Studies..............................................................72Notes ..........................................................................................745. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase ..............................775.1 Bianca—Negotiating Catholic Faith Within a Secular Society ................................775.1.1 Bianca’s Life Reviews—Being Faithful during Puberty................................ 785.1.2 Bianca’s Relationship with Jannis and Their Children................................ 825.1.3 Bianca’s Faith and her Approach to Questions of Morality ........................... 855.1.4 Bianca’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data ........................... 935.2 Jannis—Finding his Faith Again ........................................................... 955.2.1 Jannis’s Life Reviews and His Religious Journey .................................... 955.2.2 Jannis’s Relationship with Bianca and Their Children................................ 1015.2.3 Jannis’s Faith and the Supremacy of his own Religion...............................1045.2.4 Jannis’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data ...........................1095.3 Bianca and Jannis—Comparison and Conclusion .......................................... 112Notes ......................................................................................... 1136. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith .......................................... 1296.1.1 Nadine’s Life Reviews and her Spiritual Experiences ................................ 1296.1.2 Nadine’s Worldview and How She Thinks about Death ...............................1346.1.3 Nadine’s Development—Triangulating the Data ...................................... 141Notes .........................................................................................1437. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? ........................... 1497.1 Renate—Unfaltering Trust in a Leading God ............................................... 1497.1.1 Renate’s Life Reviews and the Relationship with her Parents—Changes in Old Age ...1507.1.2 Renate’s Relationship with Richard and her Self-Presentation—Marriage and Mission ............................................................. 1547.1.3 Renate’s Faith and Her Image of God—Finding an Individual Path .................... 1577.1.4 Renate’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data ...........................1637.2 Richard—Christian Charity as a Way of Life ............................................... 1677.2.1 Richard’s Life Reviews—Negotiating the Relationship with his Father ................ 1677.2.2 Richard’s Faith and his Professional Life—A Symbiosis ............................. 1727.2.3 Richard’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data .......................... 1797.3 Renate and Richard—Comparison and Conclusion .........................................182Notes .........................................................................................1858. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth ...................................... 1998.1.1 Carola’s Life Reviews—Struggling with Losses and Deprivation ...................... 1998.1.2 Carola’s Subjective Religiosity—Being at Odds with God ............................ 2068.1.3 Carola’s Morality and her View on Society—A Critical View on the Current Situation ..2138.1.4 Carola’s Religious and Moral Development—Triangulating the Data ...................221Notes ........................................................................................ 2249. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs ......................... 2359.1 Gudrun—God as a Pillar of Strength ...................................................... 2369.1.1 Gudrun’s Life Reviews—Different Emphases........................................ 2369.1.2 Gudrun’s Relationship with Werner—Growing Independent with Age ................. 2409.1.3 Gudrun’s Subjective Religiosity and her Image of God .............................. 2449.1.4 Gudrun’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data .......................... 2509.2 Werner—Seeking Personal Enlightenment ................................................ 2549.2.1 Werner’s Life Reviews and his Religious Journey—A Life Shaped by Faith ........... 2549.2.2 Werner’s Relationship with Gudrun—A Joint Religious Journey...................... 2599.2.3 Werner’s Subjective Religiosity—Finding his own Personal Relationship with God.... 2659.2.4 Werner’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the Data .......................... 2699.3 Gudrun and Werner—Comparison and Conclusion......................................... 272Notes ........................................................................................ 27410. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death ................................................... 28710.1.1 Marion’s Life Reviews—Looking Back on Life, Looking Forward to Death ............ 28710.1.2 Marion’s Relationships—Being a Daughter and Being a Mother ...................... 29510.1.3 Marion’s Spirituality—Finally Finding God? .......................................... 30010.1.4 Marion’s Development—Triangulating the Data ..................................... 305Notes ........................................................................................ 30811. Synopsis and Outlook ...................................................................31711.1 Talking about One’s Life and about Relationships ..........................................31711.2 Discussing (Non-)Religiosity ............................................................. 32011.3 Comparing the Religious and Non-Religious Women ...................................... 32311.4 Narrative Identity and Leitmotifs—Discussing the Results ................................ 32511.5 Recommendations for Future Research and Concluding Remarks ......................... 327References...................................................................................331Appendix: BiNCCS (Bielefeld Narrative and Content Coding Scheme) ...................... 345AcknowledgmentsWhen doing an in-depth analysis of biographical interviews, you get really close to thosepeople that you investigate. Bianca, Jannis, Nadine, Renate, Richard, Carola, Gudrun,Werner, andMarion have accompaniedme over the past years and I feel like I know themvery well by now.Without their ongoing interest in our research and the trust and open-ness they showedme and the other interviewers by granting profound insights into theirlives, this longitudinal studywouldnothavebeenpossible.Andof course, this studycouldnot have been realized as a stand-alone project. I want to express my gratitude to theDeutsche Forschungsgemeinschaft (DFG) and the John Templeton Foundationwho havefunded the research projects the interviews analyzed here are derived of. I also want tothank the teamof student and research assistantswho haveworked in the projects of theBielefeld/Chattanooga cooperation over the years: you have done great work!I would also like to thank my supervisors, Prof. Dr. Heinz Streib and Dr. BarbaraKeller for their ongoing support and encouragement throughout the process of writ-ing this dissertation. Thank you for believing in this project and for providing helpfulfeedback in all phases of writing and for giving me the space to accomplish it. Barbarahas also, alongwith Anika Steppacher,workedwithme on the ATLAS.ti coding guidelinewhich has become one of themain instruments used here.The creation of this guidelinewas a major project and I am happy we did this together!Writing can be a lonely process—especially when it has to be done in amostly emptyuniversity building in the middle of a pandemic. Therefore, I am grateful to my loyalfriends and colleagueswho have shared a (mostly virtual) office spacewithme,providingmewith feedback, support, anddistraction.Thank you, you are awesome! I amespeciallygrateful to Anika Steppacherwho I have turned towith allmy questions regardingmeth-ods and who has provided substantial feedback and emotional support—thank you forbeing such a good colleague and friend tome!Will Andrews has done a fantastic job edit-ing thismanuscript andfinding tonsof rather superfluouswords andphrases.Thankyoufor everything! Last but not least, I want to thankmy family who has helpedme throughthis challenging time by reminding me occasionally that there is life outside the office.Lara und Jakob: Ich hab euch lieb!Bielefeld, January 20241. IntroductionThe way people talk about their religiosity has been fascinating me for years: Already inmy master thesis (Teschner, 2006), I investigated the ways people justify their decon-version from religious groups and how they integrate those experiences into their lifestory—as it was laid out in their Faith Development Interviews (FDI), an interview for-mat that is based on Fowler’s seminal work on the development of faith over the lifespan(Fowler, 1981) and which captures participants’ life reviews as well as how they approachrelationships, moral questions, and, last but not least, their religiosity or, more gener-ally, their worldview. Having studied linguistics, I was interested in the argumentationstrategies thatwere usedwhen trying to conveywhy someone had joined a contestant re-ligiousgroupandwhy theyhad left that groupawhile after that,having tomaster the taskto still portray one’s own life, one’s own personality as a sensible, coherent whole.The in-terviews back then were taken from the Deconversion Project (Streib et al., 2009) whichhad the aim to investigate why people leave their religious groups and which trajecto-ries they follow afterwards; it was conducted in a cooperation between Bielefeld Univer-sity (Germany) and the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (USA).This cooperation,which was initiated by James W. Fowler, Heinz Streib, and Ralph W. Hood, jr. has beenlasting for twodecades andhas evolved into a longitudinal and cross-cultural project thathas been investigating religious development in different facets inmultiple projects.Theinterviews that I use for this study have been conducted in the course of these researchprojects, which I have been a part of for nearly all my academic life. Accordingly, when-ever I refer to the greater frame of the research project, I reference it as “the Bielefeld/Chattanooga project.”The question that remained open when I finished my master thesis was: How doesthe story proceed? A longitudinal perspective was not available at the time, and the casesI analyzed only had one interview each.The case study that fascinatedme themost at thetimewas that of amarried couple who had deconverted from the Jehovah’sWitnesses to-gether, yet the stories they told were remarkably different: Werner’s1 story was that ofself-empowerment, and he took a very active part in the process and convinced his wife.Gudrun, on the other hand, appeared passive and gave in to her husband’s arguments,even though she cherished the community that she experienced with the Jehovah’s Wit-nesses. Furthermore, it was interesting to carve out the dynamics of their relationship,12 Leitmotifs in Life Storieseven though this was not the focus of my research interest. However, this couple’s storystuck with me and years later, when the first phase of re-interviewing the participantsfrom the original project was finished, and Gudrun andWerner were part of this re-in-terviewee sample, I re-read their interviews and prepared them for a presentation givenat the conference of the International Association for the Psychology of Religion (IAPR)in Hamar, Norway, in 2017 (Bullik et al., 2017) in which I showed how the stories of theirdeconversion got more condensed over time, and the ambition to convey a certain im-age of self became more visible. It became apparent how much the stories differed be-tween the spouses, but also within each person. Hypotheses about a development couldbe drawn at this point; however, having only two timepoints, it could not be said for surethatwhat I found out inmy analyses actually was development and not just amomentar-ily different approach.With the third interview phase starting in 2018, this desideratumcould be addressed. Gudrun andWerner agreed to be interviewed again and,moreover,the sample of cases with three interviews contained twomore couples.This gave me theopportunity to pursue the question further how a relationship or a joint life is portrayedby both parts and how this portrayal changes over time. I was interested in the role thewomen played in these relationships, having found a profound change in Gudrun’s self-portrayal between times 1 and 2. Accordingly, in addition to the couples, I wanted to lookinto the diverse ways of development that can be traced in women’s biographies.The fo-cus on linguisticmeans to position oneself and the respective partner, to convey a certainimage of self—or, in other words: to create a narrative identity—was still prominent inmy considerations for a research design, yet I also wanted to pursue the way people talkabout their subjective religiosity and how this might influence their narrative identity.Over time, these diverse research interests developed into a design that is able to cap-ture the facets and particulars of each case while paying special attention to the researchquestions that will be laid out in section 3.3. In the center of attention is the individualand their life story, in other words: the self as author, as it was termed byMcAdams (2013).The person in the interview wants to convey their life story as a coherent whole, creat-ing a life narrative that integrates the high points as well as the low points, eccentricitiesand conventionalities and thus presents a narrative identity that they feel adequately en-compasses their worldview. To assess this narrative identity, I use the approach of a con-tent analysis, coding for image of self, relationships, religion/spirituality/worldview,andmoral orientation. Additionally, paying tribute to my interest in argumentation strate-gies, I apply a narrative analysis which focuses on autobiographical arguments and theway coherence is created. Being aware of the fact that this approach has its blind spots,and following McAdams’ argumentation that there are “at least three different kinds ofpsychological material or content, each kind specifying what the I may see and knowwhen it reflexively encounters the Me” (ibid., p. 273), I wanted to include other perspec-tives, derived from a different look at the interview material or different data: I includethe structural analysis of the FDIs, which is the traditional way of analyzing this kindof material, going back to Fowler’s own approach (cf. Streib & Keller, 2018, for the lat-est version of theManual for the Assessment of Religious Styles in FaithDevelopment Research).This approach gives insight into the way a person structures their world and theirmean-ing-making processes on a more general level, purposefully neglecting the content forthe sake of structure, which may roughly correspond with McAdams’ self as agent, focus-1. Introduction 13ing on goals and motivations (McAdams, 2013). A different kind of data comes into playwhen trying to take into account more basic personality traits and self-ascribed roles,thus, including the self as actor as well: I look at selected data from the extensive surveysthat have been part of the study designs, knowing that answers on survey questions offera different look into a person’s perception of self; additionally, this gives me the chanceto compare a single case to the rest of the sample, taking into account sample meansand standard deviations as well. All of these data are assembled and triangulated for allthree timepoints, thus allowing for a comprehensive longitudinal analysis,which has theaim todepict single trajectories, carve out individuallymeaningful changes anddevelop-ments and, in the end, also compare those results inter-individually to see in what waysthese results from in-depth analysis of single cases may help better understand the de-velopment of religiosity or worldviews, and of narrative identity over the adult lifespan.Notes1 Of course, the names used here are all pseudonyms; in the case studies, I have triedto disguise the people’s identity as good as possible by pseudonomyzing names,places, occupations, etc.2. Theoretical Approach:Narrative and Religious IdentityAs has been pointed out in the Introduction, I come from a background in linguistics.Combined with the orientation toward developmental psychology, this chapter will ac-cordingly focus on literature that is appropriate to theoretically frame my research in-terest in the development of narrative identity and subjective religiosity from both a lin-guistic and psychological perspective. This approach, arisen from my academic biogra-phy, will be able to capture both the structure of the narrative identity and the processeswhich lead to change in the reconstruction of life stories, a distinction that is connectedto the model of the self as actor, agent, and author as introduced by McAdams (2013; cf.Streib & Hood, 2024; Pasupathi & Adler, 2021); it is also in line with the research tradi-tion which has evolved, over the years, in the Bielefeld/Chattanooga cooperation (for acomprehensive description, see, for example, Keller et al., 2024).The question of how narrative identity is formed is one of the key questions in thisstudy. The term identity shall be understood, as Josselson (2017), with reference to Erik-son, pointedly puts it, as “the integration of all the important elements of the person weare in the world, from the most public to the mainly private” (p. 16). A narrative identityserves to create coherence and continuity over the lifespan,a task thatmaybe achievedbytelling one’s life story, aswill be detailed later in this chapter.Theway this narrative iden-tity is createdmay change over time,may be altered aftermeaningful events, or adaptedto circumstances—which may well be the case in the interview settings analyzed here.Since questions of faith and worldview will arise, it is obvious for most participants tocreate a narrative identity that takes into account their stance toward religion as well.This chapter here will therefore first present approaches to narration and autobiogra-phy, with a focus on narrative identity and the means that are used to create this.More-over, in a next step, the theory of religious development will be presented, alongwith thequestion how a religious identity is formed, thereby building a bridge between the twotheoretical strands.16 Leitmotifs in Life Stories2.1 Narration and Autobiography—Making Sense of One’s Own LifeWhenpeople are asked to talk about their lives, theyusuallyfind that taskdifficult atfirst.So, starting theFaithDevelopment Interview (FDI)with thequestion,“Reflectingonyourlife thus far, identify itsmajor chapters” is often rather challenging, sincemost people arenot used to structuring their lives facing a stranger (moreover, a lot of them are not usedto looking at their own life in such a structured fashion). This observation already con-tains two aspects that are constitutional for narrations (cf. Gülich &Hausendorf, 2000):a) Narrating is a communicative act.b) Narrating is a reconstructive act.By referring to the communicative aspect of narrating, it is stated that a narration needsa counterpart or an audience. In the interviewmaterial used here in this work, the coun-terpart is an interviewer, a person (in almost all cases) unknown to the interviewee.Thismakes talking about one’s life both harder and easier, since it is not possible to draw onany shared memories (even though a lot of people will nevertheless try to create a com-mon ground or make assumptions about shared knowledge or experience based on age,professional or educational background, etc.); on the other hand, there might be a cer-tain liberty going along with speaking to a person that one has not met before and willprobably nevermeet again.The “ignorant interviewer,” that is, a personwho is not famil-iar with any of the circumstances relevant for the memories that are shared, thereforeneeds context and the interviewee will have to make explicit “some part of the ideolog-ical or emotional meaning that was an essential part of the memory” (Cook-Gumperz,2005,p. 244)which leads over to the reconstructive act of a narration.Theoretically, it hasto be assumed that a person is free to interweave both fictional and real aspects in theirinterviews, since a narrative per se does not contain sufficient intrinsic signs of truth-fulness (Koschorke, 2018; 2012). Yet, when dealing with autobiographical narratives likethe interviews that are the fundament of this study, a certain authenticity is to be ex-pected—even though, as will be detailed later, with the limitation that there is alwaysan agenda (conscious or unconscious) behind theway people tell their stories, at the veryleast thewish toexpress somethingof importance for themselvesand theirworldview (cf.Lucius-Hoene & Deppermann, 2004b, Linde, 1993). Moreover, people will display differ-ent forms of “the truth” throughout the years, and reconstructing these different truthswill be one focus of this work. In other words, narratives can be characterized as “occa-sioned” (Holstein & Gubrium, 2000, p. 106), adapted to the respective context in whichthey are told.This context is also relevant for the decision ofwhich story should be told inthe first place and which one does perhaps not seem appropriate (Lucius-Hoene &Dep-permann, 2004b,p. 32). It can thus be said that autobiographicalmemories, even thoughtheymay seem to us stable over time, are highly susceptible to time and context.They arereconstructed anew with each occasion they are retrieved, constructed, as Mead (1929)put it, “from the standpoint of the new problem of today” (p. 241). And while some of themost often told memories, which supposedly are most important for constituting one’sidentity, may over time gain some stability by being processed as part of the semanticmemory rather than the episodic, talking about the past always means that the primary2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 17experience of what has been lived through is mostly hazy and influenced by the present(Heinlein, 2020, p. 112).An important point that wasmade by Koschorke (2018) is that the narration, in writ-ten, but even more so in oral form, is always shortened, condensed, and more pointedthan the event that it refers to and therefore the reconstructive act of narrating is al-ways mediated by language: “The needle’s eye of verbalization admits nothing not giv-ing impetus to the story. Here—at least at first sight—narrated and lived life are dis-tinct” (Koschorke, 2018, p. 16). Single fragments of a narrative are given in a special orderthat does not necessarily have to be chronological but may pay tribute to a certain dra-maturgy or a striving for causality.Moreover, it is necessary to verbalize non-verbal partsof a memory and to list simultaneous processes one after the other due to the strict lin-earity of spoken language which prohibits a simultaneous reproduction. Some parts ofa memory will have to be shortened, while miniscule moments are spread out in muchmore detail, following an agenda of some sort.Summed up, talking about one’s life, telling stories, narrating, is constituent of howpeople perceive themselves; over the years, they develop a repertoire of stories that areperceived as representative or in other ways important to understand the individual lifestory. Analyzing narratives helps to understand not only how stories are told, but also“how experience is organized” (Schiffrin, 2003, p. 538). I will further explore here howthese life narratives, i.e. that stories that are deemed importantwhen talking about one’sown life, are constructed and how they become part of a person’s identity.It is not a trivial act to present a coherent picture of one’s life. Children and youngeradolescents will in most cases not be able to link important events to their overall lifestory (cf. Habermas (2011) for a description of how autobiographical reasoning devel-ops). But when aging, people get more competent in organizing past events in a fashionthat integrates more general context information about life with those personal experi-ences intowhatBluck andHabermas (2000) termed life story schema.These schemata helpcreate a continuity and ensure an efficient way to reconstruct one’s own narrated biog-raphy. While parts of a person’s schema are bound to be exchanged, or even forgotten,over time, due to new experiences that are made which lessen the importance of other,formerly significant, memories, the life story schema integrates context with subjectivememories of past events, therefore being fundamental for the mental organization of aperson’s own past (p. 125). As life proceeds, this life story schema necessarily is updated,rearranged or reinterpreted, due to new experiences that shape one’s life meaning, andalso due to one’s owndevelopmentwhichmay go alongwith an adaptedmorality, a focuson generativity (defined, for example, by Erikson (1998) as encompassing “procreativity,productivity, and creativity” (p. 67), thus, a concern for passing something on to the nextgeneration), etc., while still trying to integrate these new experiences into the image ofself.This integration is achieved by autobiographical reasoning,which will be laid out inmore detail below, and often emerges as stories.The story form has the benefit of beingclose to the actual experience and easier for the listener to follow than an abstract expla-nation.For a story tobe considered“good,” it has to fulfill certain expectations,whichare,followingColeman (1999): coherence, assimilation, structure, and truth value (p. 134). Re-garding coherence, there are, on themacro-level, different forms for creating this (listedas well in Bluck &Habermas, 2000):18 Leitmotifs in Life Stories• temporal coherence• cultural concept of biographyBoth of these serve to provide a template for putting life events into order and for creat-ing a framework for the narrated autobiography, in literature often referred to as culturallife scripts (cf. Bohn & Habermas, 2016), a “cognitive structure containing knowledge ofnormative events and their timing” (Thomsen & Berntsen, 2008, p. 421). The temporalcoherencemay be constituted by giving years and dates (“I was born in 1950.”), or maybeby referring to important historical events (“I got married the year the BerlinWall fell.”).A cultural concept of biography, more generally, is addressed when mentioning certainturning points that are perceived to be more or less universal, for example when start-ing an autobiographical narration with listing educational stages and going on by nam-ing landmarks of a “classical” (Western European) biography (“There are those commonchapters, like childhood, a phase of puberty, end of time in school, having children, get-ting divorced.”) Note here that the earlier stages are usually more normed than the laterones and that these cultural life scripts are, naturally, different in different cultural con-texts1. References like these are often found in our interviews and can be seen as an indi-cator for a certain insecurity at the beginning of the interviews: People in general need totest what is expected of them with this question, so starting with naming conventionalstages of development is a safe start for most of them.Thus, a cultural life script also in-fluences autobiographical memories, that is, the way we remember things when askedfor meaningful events (Hatiboğlu & Habermas, 2016).These types of coherence serve asan important framework, for both the interviewee and the interviewer (and also for thepersonwhowill later analyze the answers,who is, rather vaguely usually, present in formof “the research” while talking2).The other constitutional forms of coherence are:• causal coherence• thematic coherenceCausal and thematic coherence are forms ofmeaningmaking,ways to explain, to justify,to make argument with the aim to make sense of one’s own biography. By using formsof causal coherence, the person, asHabermas (2011) puts it, bridges biographical change.Theywill use certain arguments for explaining a change in theirmindset, a turning pointin their biography, etc. The work of Pasupathi and colleagues (2007) adds the idea of aself-event connection which is defined as “the relationship between a given experienceand one’s sense of self constructedwithin a particular narrative” (p. 87). In the interviewsfor this study, efforts to create causal coherence are frequently found and therefore onefocusofmyanalysis.Thenext sub-sectionwill describe inmoredetail the linguistic formsby which this coherence is created.Thematic coherence, on the other hand, serves to create a biographical continuity.By narrating different, isolated episodes or other biographical elements, the person at-tempts to create a biographical whole that is perceived as continuous and harmonious.This does not mean that there are no disruptions or radical turns. On the contrary: con-tinuity can in general only be assumed when there is also discontinuity, contingency,2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 19temporal (and other) discrepancies (cf. Straub, 2016, p. 139). Accepting and integratingthese contingencies is seen as the most important step toward creating continuity and,in the process, a diachronic identity, that is, an identity that encompasses the changesthat have happened in a person’s life, and which constitute who the person is today.Thisform of coherence contributes to the wholeness of the autobiography within one inter-view. Profound experiences, crises and other times of change may lead to a revision ofthe narrative repertoire. Lucius-Hoene and Deppermann (2004b) name experiences ofdeconversion, psychotherapy, or the encounter with strange cultures as experiences thatmay lead to a fundamental reinterpretation and rearrangement of one’s own life story(p. 31). However, the most important stories of a person’s life tend to solidify over time,maybe becoming, as Koschorke (2018; 2012) has called it, a set of bookmarks for the indi-vidual book of life. Sticking to the book metaphor, and in accordance with the phrasingof the first question in the FDI, away to organize a life review is to divide it into chapters,which may be defined as “temporally extended autobiographical memory” (Thomsen &Berntsen, 2008, p. 422).Those divisions are often oriented toward the cultural life script;however, they are shaped individually in each life story,whichmay regularly deviate fromthat cultural life script. Chapters help create coherence between events by tying them toone common theme. Thomsen and Berntsen asked participants to recall five memoriesfrom their personal life story and then told them to evaluate those events regarding emo-tionality (finding that, for example, thedimensionsof theNEO-FFIpersonality inventoryare associated with either positive or negative valuation of life events; Thomsen et al.,2014) and importance, and then to divide their lives into chapters.They compared thosepersonal life stories and memories with cultural life script events and found that therewas a substantial overlap between those two (61%; seeThomsen & Berntsen, 2008, 427f).Plus, they identified a bump in memories during young adulthood, which is commonlyreferred to as the reminiscence or memory bump and describes the phenomenon that,when investigating people’s autobiographical memories in middle or late adulthood, amajority of the memories will be related to the time of young adulthood (see, for exam-ple, Conway & Pleydell-Pearce, 2000)3.The analysis of the FDIs will show to what extentthis finding also applies to the narrations of our participants and where their personallife stories deviate from the cultural life script.Another way of trying to capture this process is a metaphor from music theory: theleitmotif (Sacher, 2015).The stories people use to construct their identitymay differ; how-ever, single elements can be recognized and point to a central theme of the whole com-position, or in this case, the person’s life theme. For example, theremay be different sto-ries that do not have much resemblance on the surface, but which all point to a centralpersonality trait that the narrator wants to stress (Sacher portrays a teacher who, with avariety of different little stories, underlines his own unconventionality, without too ex-plicitly saying, “I am an unconventional teacher.”).This approach establishes an implicitline of argumentation,which helps establish the desired identity. Finding thismetaphorfitting to summarize my analyses in the case study chapters, I will propose a leitmotiffor each participant and point out where this might have changed over time since thishas proven to be a useful proxy to assess the core of each person’s narrations and theirnarrative identity; this leitmotif will be mirrored in the heading for each case study.20 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesSummed up, it can be argued that there is a core of a story that stays constant overthe years.Norrick (1998) has found in his research that “a storymay remain substantiallyintact from one telling to the next” (p. 75), and has established the term “kernel story”for his finding. And while most research cited here focused on a life story schema or aleitmotif at one point in time, Norrick refers to retold stories, which constitute a specialunit and shall get a special focus here, for these retold stories are also part of my ownresearch.2.2 Autobiographical Reasoning—Creating Coherence and CredibilityWhen people talk about their lives, regardless of whether they are explicitly asked to doso or not, they usually have an agenda in mind, even though this agenda may be un-conscious. They will have the desire to portray themselves in a certain light, to create acoherent life story that may focus on generativity, or on an emancipatory movement,on uniqueness or on personal and/or professional success—in short, they are creating anarrative identity, which will be detailed below. A coherent life story seems necessary tomost people, since a lack thereof might deprive them of meaning and direction, there-fore a coherent narrative will serve as a means of coping with contingency (even thoughKoschorke (2018,p. 3) pointsout that adifferentgoal of anarrativemayalsobe theexplicitevocationof contingency).Away toachieve this coherence is autobiographical reasoning,that is, creating chronological as well as motivational and thematic implications expli-cating the biographical relevance of memories, an activity that not only re-constructs,but interprets the past, with a good deal of implicit normative aspects involved, appeal-ing to logic and assumed shared logic (Habermas, 2011, pp. 2–3). My engagement withthe interviews at hand, in particular the life review section, shows that autobiographi-cal reasoning is a substantial part of the identity work done by our participants, linkingelements of the past with each other and to the self in the present, with the agenda tointegrate one’s past in one’s present self while maintaining and creating a coherent, ifnot continuous image of self.Therefore, the autobiographical narrative can be describedas a process that leads to understanding by placing events and experiences in a frameof reference which can provide coherence.This is not usually achieved by dealing with asingle event, but by placing multiple single events into more encompassing structures(Polkinghorne, 1998; Bruner, 1990).As another important stylistic device that is found frequently in the interviews an-alyzed in this study, I present narratives that are constructed according to the schemaexpatiated by Labov and Waletzky (1967). This form of talking about specific life eventsis often applied when participants talk about identity forming (or changing) events andshall therefore receive special attention.2.2.1 Autobiographical ArgumentsOne form of autobiographical reasoning is the use of autobiographical arguments. Theterm “arguments” subsumes all kinds of (verbal) activities that serve the purpose to cre-ate plausibility and credibility.Moreover, arguments can be used to weaken standpoints2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 21that seem unfavorable to the narrator as well (cf. Lucius-Hoene & Deppermann, 2004b,p. 162).Thus, in general, in an autobiographical interview argumentationmeans dealingwith different positions and expectations, presenting them in a form that aims to makethe listener come to the “correct” conclusions about the person who is talking. This isoften achieved by narratives that illustrate, explain, or justify what the person wants toconvey. Argumentation usually goes hand in hand with the wish for comprehensibility.It needs some (biographical and/or historical) background information to understanda person’s motives (p. 168). These argumentations are generally rather implicit, therebyreferring to common knowledge, cultural models which the person talking presumes tobe universal, or at least known to the person who is the recipient of the talk. Köber andcolleagues (2018; 2015) have, following Habermas’ (2011) classification, named one formof these implicit argumentation strategies “autobiographical arguments,” which createcausal-motivational coherence by creating connections between past events end the self.Six forms of arguments have been found to be the most common, referring to:a. developmental statusb. biographical backgroundc. a formative experienced. a turning pointe. lessons learnedf. generalized insightsReferring to developmental status, a person might try to make a point by saying that theywere too young to understand something, or, as Bianca (see chapter 5.1) puts it, “Pu-berty, that’swhen you live through theprocess of building your ownopinion.”So, in otherwords, this kind of argument is usually attached to a life phase which is societally de-fined and used as container for several assumptions that are not made explicit but set tobe common knowledge. A biographical background argument is based not on a temporalreference, but on an experience, for example when Carola (chapter 8) says, “School wasstressful at my time […]. Teachers weren’t pedagogues, but just hammering knowledgeinto us. […] And so, then I studied, and became a teacher myself.” These arguments donot refer to a singular experience, but rather to a series of events, ofttimes connectedwith a certain sentiment. On the other hand,while the biographical background argumentmay be used in a broaderway, a formative experience refers to a unique event that has had ameaningful impact on a person’s life, in Nadine’s account (see chapter 6), for example, “Isometimes thought about suicide […].And then I once had a very intense dreamand thenthat subject was closed.” A turning point is,more explicitly, referring to an experience thatmade a person change their life’s course and is often brought up when talking about be-coming a parent, the change being perhapsmore sudden than it would be for a formativeexperience. A lessons learned argument is drawnwhen trying to emphasize that a—usuallynegative—experience made the person be more cautious or more hesitant with people.Finally, generalized insights orient toward normative assumptions, as when Renate (seechapter 7.1) talks about a lack of friendships and adds, “But I guess this is connectedwiththat fact that I gotmarried early and therefore could not establish any independent rela-tionshipwith others.”This kind of argument has less temporal reference than the develop-22 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesmental status argument, but similarly refers to norms that are assumed to be universallyknown and acknowledged.This categorization was implemented in the course of creating the ATLAS.ti codingguideline (see section 4.2.2) and has proven useful for capturing certain forms of argu-mentation in the interviews. The coding of the interviews shows that there are certainpeople who frequently use some or all of these arguments and others who reconstructtheir life and talk about their values and religiosity in different ways. Arguments likethese help to show consistency and change in one’s life story (“we have been friends sincefirst grade,” or “I never talked to himagain after that”), but they can also serve to illustratea self-perceived development (“I was a trusting person before that deception, now I’m askeptic”), which are usually tied to certain events. By this, autobiographical argumentshelp to connect timeand identity, specific events andexperienceswithone’s ownself-im-age (Habermas, 2020) and therefore constitute an important factor for autobiographicalnarrating as a whole.However, the argumentation strategies laid out above are seldom made explicit(although sometimes they are, when people say something like “I remember a situationwhich for me was a real turning point”) and instead rely on implicit assumptions andprerequisites, on an assumed shared knowledge. The logical structure of these argu-mentations remains generally implicit as well. Following Aristoteles and his writingson rhetoric, these argumentative figures are sometimes called topoi (cf. Kindt, 1992,p. 191, who is referencing Aristoteles, 2018).4 People will try and reinforce their ownarguments by naming an authority as a source or by stressing the lack of alternatives,thereby anticipating possible dissent and rebut objections prophylactically (Spranz-Fogasy, 2003, p. 36cf). Summed up, it can be stated thatlife memories have a rhetoric character, whether they are told to others or maintainedfor oneself. They always serve the purpose of self-affirmation and are therefore notmere narratives, but always argumentation, too. The past is never just repeated, itis explained and justified, and thereby also exculpated and defended.5 (Keller, 1996,p. 94; transl. by R.B.)2.2.2 Narratives Told in AutobiographiesA look into the interviewmaterial of my study quickly reveals that people often tell littlestories or episodes to help substantiate their standpoint, to illustrate the importance of alife event, etc. A story, quoting Bruner (1990, pp. 49–50), is toldwhen there is a “deviationfrom a culture’s canonical pattern” (or cultural life script, as introduced above)—that is,when something out of the ordinary has happened, something that makes a story worthtelling. These narratives often follow a certain dramaturgy, which may result in leavingout certain parts that do not seem relevant (or maybe even contradict the point the nar-rator wants tomake), in condensing (or flattening) other parts, while further aspects getmore elaborated, sharpened or exaggerated (cf. Polkinghorne, 1998, p. 25).Thisway, con-tingencies can be processed and possibly reduced. Narratives thereby serve the purposeof providing such contingencies not only with meaning but with an important functionor role for the narrator’s life course, which, according to Straub who refers to Ricœur,2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 23may bestow contingencieswith a “new face” (cf. Straub, 1998, p. 143). Following this logic,it seemsevident that anarrative isnot just the repetitionof consecutive sequences, it nec-essarily needs a form of connectedness in order to be understood as “a bounded wholeor gestalt with a beginning, middle, and end, that, taken together, has a point” (Mishler,2007, p. 31). For the approach to the interview material and with the aim to line out thisspecial gestalt, it has, over the years, proven useful to implement the schema introducedby Labov andWaletzky (1967) whichwasmodified byHabermas and Berger (2011; see Lu-cius-Hoene andDeppermann (2004b, pp. 146ff.) for a comprehensive explanation). Table1 shows the structure of a standardizednarrative, as adapted byKeller et al. (2016, p. 253).Table 1: Structure of a Narrative According to Labov andWaletzky (1967)Orientation Provides background such as antecedents, place, time and personsComplication Central event that breaks with normality, elicits an emotion, defines a goalEvaluation Assessment of the situation/attempts to return the situation to normalResolution (Non) successful result of attempts to solve complication/adjust evaluationCoda Signals end, leads back to presentIt shouldbenoted thatnot all narrativeswill strictly andentirely follow this structure.An orientation may be missing or embedded in the preceding interview sequence andthemiddle part may contain several loops with different attempts to solve the complica-tion, for example. Still, this structure provides a good approximation to a generic formof narrative.Endowing the narrativewith a title helps condense the essential content of anarrative. Sometimes the interviewees themselves provide a title or a form of abstract toprepare their listener forwhat is about to follow (Keller et al., 2016a; Habermas&Berger,2011). Narratives like these can be found when the narrator wants to justify their behav-ior, plead for understanding or otherwise wants to make a point (Keller & Streib, 2013,p. 13), and they seem to occur frequently for example when people try to explain theirself-perceived religious or spiritual development, making the “religious identity narra-tive” (Keller et al., 2016a) a common sub-form of narratives in the FDIs. Therefore, thecoda, or the moral, is the core of the whole story and constituent for a person’s autobi-ographical reasoning, the story fulfilling a certain task. Telling the story may even, asLucius-Hoene and Deppermann (2004b, p. 149) note, have an emergent autoepistemicpotential: interviewees often state that they told this story for the first time, being sort ofsurprised themselves that this situation came to their minds. Due to the interview situ-ation, the intervieweesmay feel obliged to find a coda for their story, thereby creating animpromptu valuation of the whole event. In longitudinal perspective, the task will be tofind narratives that are told again years later and see how their focus hasmaybe changedand carve out the differences (or hypothesize about why they are not told anymore).Another way to look at narratives, in addition to the Labov/Waletzky structure, is toassess their set-up, or their arc of tension: do things turn from bad to good or vice versa?McAdams and colleagues have introduced the terms of redemption and contamination story24 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesfor narrative psychology, following studies with middle-aged American people (for ex-ample Dunlop et al., 2016; McAdams et al., 2006c; McAdams, 2011). A story in whichthe protagonist starts at a low point and ends with a success, an amelioration of thesituation or another benefit is called redemptive. The narrative identity created by thetelling of redemption stories “provides the midlife adult with the confidence and com-mitment required to make sustained and positive contributions to the next generation”(McAdams, 2006, p. 98). The opposite can be described as a contamination story. Char-acteristic for the contamination story is the stark contrast between a very good startingpoint and the spoiled outcome, the stories often seemingly moving in a vicious circle ofrepetitions (cf. McAdams, 2006, p. 213).The respective forms of narrative are associatedwith either positive or negative outcomes on various psychometric scales includingwell-being, the frequent occurrence of contamination stories being associated also with de-pressive disorders and low scores for generativity. Life stories containingmany contami-nation sequences lack a forwardmovement and long-term goals; often early psychologi-cal injuries anda failed secure attachment to significant others is reported (cf.McAdams,2006, p. 220). Dunlop and colleagues found the frequency of contamination stories de-creased after the college years, presumably due to listener’s feedback being more favor-able to redemption stories and a general social desirability for storieswith a positive out-come (cf. Dunlop et al., 2016, p. 431) and the cultural prevalence of redemption storiesassociated with the occurrence of meaningful events and general life circumstances (p.434). While they state that especially redemption stories are constituent for the Ameri-can identity, fitting into the general cultural script of the Horatio Alger interpretation ofthe AmericanDream about rising from rags to riches, it is less clear whether this appliesfor Germany as well. However, it appears that the occurrence of redemption/contami-nation sequences depends on the social contexts and the prevalent master narrative therespective culture offers.The way people talk about their live and the ways they tell little stories creates a nar-rative identity.The next paragraph therefore will take a closer look at this phenomenon.2.3 Narrative Identity—Creation and Adaptation of Personal Myths in theLifespanWhen analyzing a person’s life accounts, their approach tomoral questions and their as-sessment of their subjective religiosity, we get access to the person’s narrative identity,which is therefore a key concept in this study. Narrative identity can, as a first approachto the concept, be described as the “internalized and evolving story of the self that pro-vides a person’s life with some semblance of unity, purpose, and meaning” (McAdams,2011, p. 100). One’s past is reconstructed based on one’s own memory, thereby, creatinga subjective story thatmay exaggerate or alter events andmay leave out others.This pro-cess usually starts in late adolescence, and it is never finished. Therefore, when lookingat narrative identity, the main point is not to get to know any exact truth, but to capturethe subjective truth as it is remembered at one point in time by one individual. This ac-count, as will be seen in this study,may change over time, and the narrative identitymayshow facets that were not present in younger life. As a first glimpse into a longitudinal2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 25perspective, McAdams, in his own longitudinal study with college students, found thatthe content of the stories that were told often changed,while the emotional andmotiva-tional qualitymore often remained similar (cf.McAdams, 2011, p. 108). Life narratives, inthe lifespan that his study focused on, becamemore complex while containing a greatervariation of themes. My study will cover a broader lifespan (see section 4.1 for the sam-ple description), so it may be possible to replicate McAdams’s findings as well as expandthem. The themes that McAdams found to be predominant in life narratives were of-ten related to either agency or communion; among the examples that he names (p.101),religion is missing. Given the nature of the material used in my study (with questionsexplicitly focusing on religion and worldview), it is not surprising that religion will playa major role in the analyzed interviews.To assess the way individuals think about themselves, the way they see themselves,how they want to be seen by others, it seems necessary to distinguish between the iden-tity that is presented during the interview (the narrating self) and the identity that is es-tablished in the person’s narration (the narrated self). Keeping in focus those two facetsof identity, it is possible to draw conclusions on current attitudes, opinions, etc. Possiblequestionsmight be: Is thenarrated self somehowportrayed in anegative light or does thenarrating self still identify with that person that is the subject of the narration? How isthenarrated self positioned in this story? In the context of anautobiographical narration,positioningmay be understood as the way the person themself as well as the other char-acters in their narrative interact, how they refer to each other, what kind of roles, traitsand motives they are attributed with (cf. Lucius-Hoene & Deppermann, 2004a, p. 168).This takesplaceon two levels at least: “first, as a characterwithin the story they are telling,and second, as a participant within the social context of the narration” (Pasupathi, 2015,p. 171). And while these acts of positioning are oftenmore apparent in a dialogical situa-tion, they can still frequently be found in amoremonological discourse situation, like forexample an interview.Here, the narrator will draw on different “past selves” and therebyposition themself within different contexts in the narrative as well as in the present. Butthe interviewer or the listener will be positioned as well, as has been alluded to above: asan ally or as a contestant, as a researcher, often as an expert for questions of theology orpsychology, but also as the recipient of the interviewee’s expertise. Looking at these posi-tionings will also help assess how coherence is createdwithin the autobiographical storyas awhole. FollowingGergen (1998, p. 195), to present oneself as a coherent, concise indi-vidual (narration of stability), and/or as someonewho aims for higher levels (progressivenarrative), and/or as fighting against setbacks or injustice (regressive narrative) means,at least forWestern societies, to approximate a state of (moral) identity which has a highreputation in a community. Thus, narrative identity can be defined as the way a personperforms identity work within a specific interaction.This identity work is performed bya narrative presentation and by establishing aspects of their identity that are relevant inthe respective situation. That being said, it is evident that a narrative identity is highlycontingent on the circumstances in which it is created; it is constituted and presented inthe autobiographical narrative and can therefore change as the situation changes in ev-eryday life (for example if there is a different recipient of the story) and as the narratingself changes over time (cf. Lucius-Hoene & Deppermann, 2004b, p. 55).26 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThe relation of identity and time is relevant here. Following Ricœur’s work, Streib(1994, pp. 181–182) states that a narrative has a double bind with time in that a time dif-ference is prerequisite and expressed: an event that is the subject of a narrative cannotexist synchronously to it being told; narrating happens either after something happenedor is projected to assumed future events. And,while performing the act of narrating, thetime difference is eliminated by “importing” a lived experience to the present, by re-cre-ating apast event in adifferent situation, therebymaking anarrative adiachronic action.By doing this, by deciding which story to tell and in what way to discuss it (and what toleave out), an identity is created that is deeply rooted in the narrative and that is shapedfollowing the narrator’s path. Thus, identity is not to be understood as a construct thatstays the same over time, but as something dynamic. In a life story, it is possible to finddifferent versions of the self which form, in its entirety, a continuous self, not in spite of,but because of its discontinuities and changes which are bridged by temporal, thematic,and causal-motivational coherence (cf.Habermas&Köber, 2015, p. 149).With people be-ing asked to “reflect on their life thus far,” we get their subjective life review as well asan expression of their momentary self-conception framed by their current implicit orexplicit awareness of cultural life scripts. Habermas concludes that since conveying thisself-conception is one of the main motives of giving an account on one’s past, this per-sonal past is bound to change while the person changes over time (Habermas, 2020),which makes longitudinal research on narrating and narrative identity mandatory forbetter understanding how and why these changes happen. As McAdams (2011) pointsout, when narrative identity starts to form in late adolescence, the stories that are toldare often“grandiose andbreathless, […] tales of personal greatness andpersonal tragedy”(p. 106). However, these narratives may be revised or adapted to current circumstancesand new experiences, becomingmore realistic and reflecting the understanding of soci-ety, values, etc.This forms, as McAdams has called it in his earlier work, a personal myth,which he defines as “a special kind of story that each of us naturally constructs to bringtogether the different parts of ourselves and our lives into a purposeful and convincingwhole” (McAdams, 1993, p. 12).Narrative identity as a construct is often associated with well-being and with differ-ent personality traits. McLean and colleagues (2020) have tried to approximate the em-pirical structure of narrative identity in order to understand the different approachesthat exist in literature and to see what has not been captured in past works. By applyinga factor analysis approach and drawing on pre-existing samples of narrative research,they aimed to better describe the “structure underlying the many features of life narra-tives,” expecting to find “at least three conceptual groupings representing: affective qual-ity (overall, or distinct positive andnegative), autobiographical reasoning, and structure”(p. 924). Autobiographical reasoning, they found, is thus related to change and develop-ment, usually administered to convey a positive, redemptive story. Redemption storiesare described as a “hybrid construct” (p. 936), sharing components of both autobiograph-ical reasoning and motivational and affective themes, while well-being was associatedwith affect and motives. In the instances where autobiographical reasoning was linkedwith a positive interpretation, well-being emerged as well. Interestingly, regarding per-sonality traits, they found that openness to experiencewas associatedwith autobiographicalreasoning for low points in the individual’s life story, suggesting that talking about low2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 27points in one’s life and sensibly integrating them in one’s autobiographical account re-quires a formof openness,whichmay also admit uncertainties (cf. p. 938).Thesefindingsare important for understanding the underlying structure of and personality traits asso-ciated with narrative identity. However, the researchers advocate for an approach thatdoes not neglect the qualitative study of narratives, for this may capture what could notbe mapped by their own quantitative analyses. A combination of both qualitative andquantitative strands seems like a path well worth exploring in order to assess the com-plex concept of narrative identity.This desideratumwill thus be taken up inmy researchquestions and study design.Important events,meaningful experiences, amusing situations—there is a set of lifenarratives that gets told over and over again across the lifespan. As has been explainedabove, the necessity to adapt the experience to (spoken or written) language demandscertain amendments, which go along with a change of the “original” story. A new expe-rience not only influences an individual’s present and future, but also alters their past asit is remembered and narrated (cf. Hermans, 1997). Moreover, when stories are retold,they are adapted as well—depending on the audience or reactions of earlier audiences,since the desire to tell a story that shocks, inspires, or amuses may be rooted in mostpeople. Additionally, the tone or the emphasis of a story may change as well, depend-ing on the current life situation. Retelling may lead to a coagulation of experiences intoprepared stories that can easily be reproduced (Habermas, 2020). Schiffrin has, in her re-search on retold stories of Holocaust survivors, found that language is adapted to serveas a template to fit the experience, and later a performance is developed “through whichlanguage can be fit to audience” (2003, p. 542). Moreover, differences in the way a storyis re-told might also be caused by a form of coping or of having found a way to deal withan experience, which leads to a re-evaluation of the past (Gülich & Lucius-Hoene, 2015).However, the aspect of credibility always plays a certain role in creating a life narrative.While dramaturgy and a personal agenda may influence the way a story is told and mayalter certain facts to a certain degree, people aim to tell a “true” story, creating a life storythat is coherent and reflecting their current standpoint. This standpoint, and thereforethe evaluation of events, may change over time and alter the stories that are told andthe content of what is deemed “true.” Concurrently, the thematic content of a narrativeidentitymay stay relatively stable in the courseof the lifespan (Dunlopet al., 2016,p. 428).Thus, thematic coherence is expected to becomemore prevalent in later adulthood.Camia and Habermas have, in their longitudinal study on the stability of life narra-tives over times, attempted to find out which life events get retold and can therefore bedeemed constituent for the individual life story (Camia & Habermas, 2020). At the firsttimepoint, participants were first asked to name the sevenmost importantmemories oftheir life and then, in a second step, to tell their whole life story including those events.Four years later, these tasks were repeated, and afterwards, the participants were askedto name two events that they had omitted now but which had been part of their mem-ory collection the first time. If the participants were not able to recall any memories bythemselves, theywould be given hints by the researcherswho thenwent on and asked theparticipants to recount the omittedmemories and to think about possible reasons for theomission. Some of the main outcomes were that older life events were more stable thanmore recent ones (which, in consequence, hints to a stabilization of the self-concept over28 Leitmotifs in Life Storiestime) and that contrary to the initial hypothesis, negative events were not more likely tobe forgotten and/or omitted than positive.My own study presented here, adding a thirdtimepoint, however, not pursuing the question of omitted memories explicitly (but al-lowing formore freedom in exploring different areas of one’s life; for a description of theinterview format used here, see 4.2), will showwhether these results can be found in thematerial examined.Studies with a genuine longitudinal design that investigate change in life narrativesare rare, as Köber et al. (2015) report. Most research focuses on one timepoint, compar-ing two age groups, andusually examines one aspect of narrative identity.Köber and col-leagues have tried to fill that gap by applying a longitudinal design, usingmultiplemeth-ods with diverse age groups and asking for an entire life story rather than a single event,building on a study by Habermas and Silveira (2008). By quantifying results from a con-tent-focused coding procedure, they found temporal, causal-motivational, and globalthematic coherence to emerge in adolescence and stabilize in adulthood.With referenceto Erikson’s model of identity development (Erikson & Erikson, 1998), they suggest that“the life story enables the individual to explain change in identity due to uncontrollablecircumstances as well as due to decisions made in the light of life experiences” and thatnarratives both establishing stability and change in identity develop equally throughoutadulthood (Köber et al., 2015, p. 270).The lack of truly longitudinal data is also noted inthe work of Dunlop and colleagues who claim that this data must be tracked throughtime and demographic factors need to be considered in order to understand the natureof narrative identity (Dunlop et al., 2016, p. 429).When looking at retold stories,wewill find that they are subject to change since “newevents may have direct implications on an existing story and, must be integrated” (Her-mans, 1997,p. 229); or,as Josselson (2009) states, like inakaleidoscope,elementsget com-bined in different ways, showing a different pattern, depending on the dominant selvesof the present. Most of these changes will not be conscious to the person who tells thestory. Instead, there are more or less unconscious processes at work that may lead toa thorough reinterpretation of certain events. The concepts of leitmotifs and life storyschema are put to a test here when adapted to research in a longitudinal perspective: dothey changeover time,maybe related toa turningpoint in the life story?Orwill the coreofone’s life narrative stay the same?My analyses will assemble single examples throughoutall of the respective person’s interviews in order to carve out the “leitmotif” (see above),or, as Augst (2002) has termed it, “Lebensdeutungsmuster” (patterns of life interpreta-tion, p. 95), thereby creating a thematic coherence that may not be intentioned or evenconscious by the interviewees, but will serve the purpose to work toward a typology ofchange that can happen within a person’s lifetime.Narrative research is not limited to any special field; in fact, in can be applied in anyfield that examines written or spoken language. When focusing on the creation of nar-rative identity, the topics under observation may differ as well, and religion may well beamong those topics that are considered constituent for identity in various ways. Whena member of the research team comes to interview a participant, it is self-evident forthem that the interviewer wants to learn about their stance toward religion, supportedby the fact that theBielefeldarmof the researchgroup is affiliatedwitha theologydepart-ment and asking questions dealing with the participants’ image of God or their spiritual2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 29praxis. But the questions asked and the narratives that are unfolded are so much morethan just questions about faith.They are basically a set of questions asking “Who am I?”,the “cardinal existential question that people grapple with in their daily lives” (Scherer-Rath, 2014, p. 131).When investigating narrative identity in the context of faith develop-ment research, it makes sense to also take into account the religious identity given thebroad conceptualization of ‘faith’ that is laid out below, the interview format touches onfields of identity andmeaningmaking that can be understood in a religious as well as ina spiritual or secular sense (and often, these fields will overlap). It is important to notethat this research is not looking for an exact truth but is instead searching for a subjectivereconstruction of the individual’s religiosity as it is perceived by the persons themselves.Theremay be divergent positionings within the narrative of one’s own personal faith (cf.Hermans, 2014, p. 59), a strong belief in God on the one hand, anger and anxiety on theother; or, accordingly, a firm atheist stance with the notion of experiences that are be-yond rational explanations. Narratives exploring religious identity will go through thesame dilemmas that have been described by Erikson (1998), wherein “one must negoti-ate between two extremes in the identity landscape” (Schwab, 2013, p. 220). FollowingBamberg (2010, p. 112), there are three challenges or dilemmas that a person telling theirlife story will face: continuity and change (“How can I remain the same when everythingchanges?”); uniqueness and conformity (“What parts of my story are really unique andwhere do I follow others’ footsteps?”); and agency and construction (“Howmuch am I thecreator ofmy own story?”). People in the interviews used herewill,more or less explicitly,bring up these challenges, sometimes finding different answers to each of them as theygrow older.Thus, oscillating between these challenges, the person talking about their lifeand their faith (or non-faith) will try to create a coherent, plausible identity that is alsopositionedwithin a context of religion and spirituality that is greater than one’s ownper-sonal realm: theywill talk about a perceived development of religious/spiritual ideas andviews, how they are similar or different from others within and outside their group ofreference, and how they have arrived at their current views (cf. Schwab, 2013). Schwabhas shown in a study that while the process of constructing such a religious identitymaybe characterized by ambiguity and contradictions, it is still unfolded systematically bymaking use of the unifying structure identity work offers while noting a wide “expanseof heterogeneity in individuals’ conceptions of existential concerns” (p. 225).While theremay be great the diversity on an intra-individual level, religion may still serve as a mas-ter narrative, a framework provided by society.This can be assumed forWestern Europewhich is, even though widely secularized nowadays, still influenced by Christian tradi-tions. ForWest-Germany, this means that the Christian holidays still dominate the (sec-ular) calendar year. During these times,many children and adolescents are traditionallybaptizedaswell as attendingcommunionor confirmation.Religion therefore canbe seenas anarrative inwhichone canplace oneself andmaygive orientationwhen talking aboutone’s religious socialization.The interviews that I analyzed for this study grant insight into the way a (religious)narrative identity is created.The interviewees will talk about their lives and the role re-ligion plays in this context. They will interact in certain ways with the interviewer, ad-dressing them as an ally mostly, but sometimes also seeing them as an agent provoca-teur whom they will have to convince of their opinions. The way these narrative identi-30 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesties are presented will subtly change over time, thus showing a development. To get abetter understanding of the way development is conceptualized in this study, I will nowlay out important aspects of the theory that is the basis for the research conducted in theframework of the Bielefeld/Chattanooga cooperation. In a final step, I will line out howreligious identity may be assessed within this research context.2.4 Talking about Religion: From Stages to Styles and Typesand the Development of a Religious IdentityThe research of the Bielefeld/Chattanooga project is based on a theory that stands inthe tradition of developmental models of the 70s and 80s of the 20th century, derivinginspiration from Erikson, Kohlberg, and Piaget, among others. When Methodist the-ologian James W. Fowler (1940–2015) published his seminal work Stages of Faith (1981) inthe late 1970’s, he touched on different disciplines outside his theological wheelhouse,among them developmental psychology, psychology of religion, and research in autobi-ography.He was inspired by stagemodels in developmental psychology that were popu-lar at that time (see, for example, Erikson, 1959; Kohlberg, 1984; Piaget, 1997/1929). Giventhis widespread approach, he did not limit his theoretical and practical work by applyinga narrow definition of the subject of investigation. Instead, he defined “faith” in a verybroad sense:In the most formal and comprehensive terms I can state it, faith is: people’s evolvedand evolving ways of experiencing self, others and world (as they construct them)as related to and affected by the ultimate conditions of existence (as they constructthem) and of shaping their lives’ purposes and meanings, trusts and loyalties, in thelight of the character of being, value and power determining the ultimate conditionsof existence (as grasped in their operative images – conscious and unconscious – ofthem). (Fowler, 1981, pp. 92–93)Fowler’s definition encompasses theistic as well as non-theistic worldviews, and it mayeven serve to capture completely secular ways ofmeaningmaking since it has claimed toexamine what is of “ultimate concern” for each individual. This is not trivial, since onlythis broad conceptualization allowed our research team and other researchers aroundthe globe to apply the Faith Development Theory (FDT) and the FDI widely and acrossdifferent cultures, religions, and worldviews6. In other words, this definition capturesvertical transcendence (the belief in something higher, a higher power, or a god/gods)as well as horizontal transcendence, referring to a more worldly orientation which sur-passes the borders of one’s own existence and is oriented toward a bigger frame of refer-ence.Going intomore detail of what Fowler conceptualized as faith development, onemaysee the stages that he assumed every person would experience, starting in infancy. Theassumption that faith develops over the lifespan was a novelty, yet was in tune with de-velopmental psychology and its stage models at that time. Within this understanding,development is a qualitative change which moves up unidirectionally, going from one2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 31stage to another and leaving the former behind when reaching the next step without thepossibility of going back. As a short orientation (for a detailed description of the stages,I refer to Fowler, 1981), it can be said that during the first stage, which covers the age-span of infancy and is described as intuitive-projective, the child does not discriminatebetween fantasy and reality and is not able to take the perspective of the other. Havingreached the second stage of mythic-literal faith, the child (7 to 12 years old) will be in-terested in the connections between things and events, in explaining the world throughmyths and stories, and it will still be mainly focused on its own interiority. Stage 3 (syn-thetic-conventional), which is usually reached in early adolescence, is oriented towardinterpersonal harmony and the conventions of one’s immediate societal group. Stage 4,the individuative-reflective faith, is generally not found before early adolescence, andis characterized by a more autonomous approach and the ability to critically reflect onactions of oneself and others. Stage 5 of conjunctive faith is dialogical, emphasizing sub-jectivity and the awareness of themultidimensionality of theworld.As the elliptical formof themodel shows rathernicely, this stagemay appear as returning to “the roots”of one’sfaith. However, stage 5 cannot be thought without the critical reflection and distancingthat happened in stage 4.Stage 6 is the universalizing faith and is a theoretical construct,which refers toan ideal of self-transcendenceandunconditional commitment tohuman-ity and “the good cause.”This stagewas rarely evidenced empirically, and postulating the“Kingdom of God” as the ultimate, normative endpoint of development did not seem aplausible goal for a psychological model of human development. Thus, Fowler’s modelreceived critique and was thoroughly revised and adapted over time (see Streib, 2005;2001a).Figure 1: The Religious Styles (Streib & Keller, 2018, p. 9, reprinted with kindpermission)32 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesSumming up the criticism that was directed toward Fowler’s model of faith develop-ment, it can be said that not only it was considered too normative, but it also neglecteddevelopment that takes place in later adulthood. In Fowler’s model, the majority of faithdevelopment takes place in early to middle adulthood, with little notion of what mightcome after. Empirical research showed that most adults will be sorted into either stage 3or 4, with stage 5 assignments being the exception. This empirical evidence called for amore differentiated description of the development that takes place in adulthood.The theoretical model of religious styles, as it was developed by Streib (see, for exam-ple,Streib,2001a), takes up these concerns.As Figure 1 shows, the stages have been trans-formed to a form that resembles sine waves (and notice that there are only five waves;Fowler’s sixth stage was discarded for reasons mentioned above). Those waves overlapwhile keeping a certain hierarchy and a general forward direction, and they exist longbefore they breach the surface.Most important for this revisedmodel of religious development is that it is now (the-oretically and practically) possible to have more than one style present at the same time,and the person can fall back on an earlier style should it seem adequate or necessary.Development is displayed, and there is usually one style that is dominant, but the otherstyles are there as well—those that were “overcome” as well as those that have not yetsurfaced. To make the model a bit more use-oriented, I provide training for new mem-bers of the research team in theoretical and practical applications. These waves may becompared to volcanos that can erupt at any time even though they have been long dor-mant, adapting Streib’s analogy of “geological layers, where previous ages of our planetare invisible from the surface but nevertheless present and available,”whichmay conflictand fracture in some cases (Streib, 2001a, p. 153; cf. also Streib, 2001b).This eruptionmayhappen in or after traumatic situations (as in during a pandemic) which may be a sen-sible way of coping with stress and anxiety. Falling back onto well-known strategies andsimple answers can help navigate in times of uncertainty and upheaval andmay providea guide through a jungle of diverging, contradicting opinions, advice, and information.The “simpler” patterns that one falls back to can be old, discarded ones; or they mightbe new ones, a religion or a worldview that offers guidance. Style 2, the instrumental-reciprocal style, describes people who stick to texts orthodoxically and who take thosefor granted, without any interpretation or critical reflection. Perspective taking is usu-ally not possible within this style. The mutual style 3 is characterized by a conventionalapproach, and a personfitting this stylewill uncritically adopt views anddogmas of theirchurch, but also of friends and other important peers. Perspective taking will be stereo-typical, and there is little critical questioning.This changes in style 4, the individuative-systemic style. Here, the person will be able to take a critical distance and to questionbeliefs of oneself and others.They may listen to others’ diverging opinions, even thoughthey will typically stick to their own opinion, the ability for dialog and perspective tak-ing is still not fully developed; style 4 may also appear rather dogmatic. A person in style5, the dialogical style, is fully able to listen to what others say and they will actively seekconversations with people with views different from their own.This will be the startingpoint to critically engage with one’s own faith/worldview and offers the possibility to al-low oneself to be changed by the strange, the other.The person is able to appreciate thatthere are different positions, and the individual can hold them in tension. In contrast to2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 33style 4, which will try to solve the tension (maybe even going so far as to depreciate thedeviating opinion), style 5 does not need to resolve this situation and can instead handleit with an intellectual humility. Applying this theoreticalmodel onto amore concrete sit-uation: A person in the middle of a pandemic might try to calm their inner uproar, theirfear and the confusion by turning to a worldview (or converting to a religion) that offerssolutions for all their concerns.Whennewtoa religionorworldview, it is notunusual andmay be necessary to start at a style 2 or 3 understanding of one’s new conviction, becausedoubting or critical reflection would just not be intuitive at this point; rather, one needsto learn the tenets of this new belief. This does not change the fact that the person maybe a thoroughly reflective person capable of abstract thinking in other domains of theirlife.Therefore, the prevalence ofmore than one style comes into practice here.The actualcontent of a belief or worldview is not the focus. Rather, it is the structure of believingthat is taken into account,whichmakes the theory applicable to different worldview andreligions.A person following conspiracymyths about a chip being injectedwith a vaccinecan be assessedwith thismodel aswell as the “conventional”Christian or the enlightenedBuddhist.The styles resemble Fowler’s stages from which they are derived. However, they aremore flexible in their composition and structure and have a clear focus on interpersonalrelationships, on the environment that surrounds the individual andwithwhich the per-son interacts, and on the worldview as it develops over time. Perspective taking is a clearfocus in the model of religious styles and has become even more important in the lat-est revision of theManual (2018), in which perspective taking is introduced as the leadingaspect. Thus, the religious styles model is itself a development of Fowler’s stage model,taking what has proven valuable from the theory and revising what did not seem plausi-ble anymore and discarding what could not be verified empirically. In other words, it isthe result of a developed view on human development.To account for the finding that more than one style may be present in the ratings ofone interview, recent research (Streib et al., 2020) has developed a way to compute re-ligious types which are derived from the 25 ratings of each interview and which allowsfor a “final total FDI score” (p. 2) that can be used in statistical analyses as well. Thosetypes reflect a pattern which may consist of more than one style, but usually will displaya preference for one style, resulting in four types: substantially ethnocentric (type 1, withat least 20% of ratings for style 2), predominantly conventional (type 2, with a major-ity of style 3 ratings), predominantly individuative-reflective (type 3, showing amajorityof style 4 ratings), and the emerging dialogical type (type 4, which is assigned when atleast 20% of the answers are rated style 5).This typologymay then bemodeled to accountfor development which has been tested with the longitudinal sample of N=75 from theBielefeld-Chattanooga research (Streib, Chen, & Hood, 2021), resulting in a typology ofmovement (up or down) and stability. So far, these types have been constructed combin-ing qualitative and quantitative methods in order to “carry the model of faith develop-ment out of the cognitive-structural niche” and to emphasize the “individual differenceapproach to religious styles” (Streib et al., 2020,p. 125).This studywill try to reinforce thistheoretical framework and reconstruct, with the help of a combination of methods (seechapter 4) what being a “mover upward,” actuallymeans.This iswhere the above elabora-tions concerning narrative identity connect with the theoretical framework laid out here34 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesbecause the way narrative identity is reconstructed in the interviews interacts with theassignments of religious styles and types.Narratives have always had a clear focus in theresearch tradition, which this work is part of. In other words: In Faith Development In-terviews, the participants not only create a narrative identity by talking about their lives.Given the topic of religion that weaves through a lot of the questions, they also createa religious identity, making the latter a specification of the former (a little more on thecreative potential and uniqueness of the FDI can be found in 4.2). Therefore, special at-tention is granted towhat has been labeled “religious identity narratives”which “emergewhenour respondents talk about their ownreligious/spiritual developments [andwhich]are seen as windows into their narrative identity” (Keller et al., 2016a, p. 253).Doing this,the demand for a longitudinal design (Keller et al., 2016b) is met, aiming at reconstruct-ing consecutive reconstructions of religious identity. In the case study chapters,most ofthe narratives analyzed will be religious identity narratives. In some cases, other narra-tives that are constituent for the participant’s identity are included as well.Notes1 Since this work here focuses on the German interviewees of the German/US Amer-ican research project, the cultural life script the participants refer to is assumed tobe rather similar. For research on the differences found in different countries, seefor example Hatiboğlu and Habermas (2016) or Scherman et al. (2017).2 Sometimes people wonder, during the interview, what we “are going to do” withthese answers. Those people are often interested in receiving updates in our re-search and, from time to time, they ask whether they could get a copy of their inter-view transcripts. We usually try to deflect that wish, or postpone it to a later pointin time, since reading the older interviews would most certainly have an influenceon the way the interviewee talks and would maybe make them take up topics thatthey would not have remembered otherwise.3 McAdams (2011) suggests that the accumulation of memories during young adult-hood is directly connected to the development of a narrative identity and the effortto put one’s life into a coherent story (p. 107). More on narrative identity, see para-graph 2.3.4 The principle is familiar as well, for example, in the speech act theory. Austin (1975),in his seminal work “How to do things with words,” describes how actions are per-formedbyutterances, for example inweddings,baptismsor during a trial.And eventhough theargumentations Idealwith in this researchare less formalizedandmuchless institutionalized, they still constitute reality,which is an important criterion ofperformative acts according to Austin.5 Lebenserinnerungen haben, ob sie anderen erzählt oder allein gepflegt werden, ei-nen rhetorischen Charakter. Sie dienen immer auch der Selbstvergewisserung undsind damit nie nur Erzählung, sondern immer auch Argumentation. Vergangeneswird nicht einfach repetiert, es wird erklärt und begründet und damit auch ent-schuldigt und gerechtfertigt.2. Theoretical Approach: Narrative and Religious Identity 356 The intercultural application of this research can remain only a side note here, butit is nevertheless an important factor for this tradition since this may, in the fu-ture, allow us to carve out differences and commonalities within as well as betweencultures and religions. The FDI has been translated into several languages, amongthem Korean, Arabic, Urdu, and Brazilian Portuguese. Research is planned for thenear future to be conducted in China, for example.3. Couples and Women—A Look into the ResearchLandscapeHaving laid out the theoretical foundation formy study, I now turn to the subjects of myresearch:married couples and,with a special focus,women.This sectionwill first give anoverviewon research that has beendone regarding interactionwithin relationships.Sec-ondly, I will present research that focuses on gender differences in religiosity as well asnarrating. In these sub-sections, I will give more elaborate reviews of studies that stoodout forme in the course of researching literature formy own study in an illustrative fash-ion.3.1 Studying CouplesWhenstudying couples,amultitudeof research focuses is possible.TheFDIsdonot focusdirectly or exclusively onmarriage, so the task will be to find those parts of the interviewwhere themarriage, or the joint life, plays a role and where the respective partner is dis-cussed. How do the spouses speak about each other? I am interested to learn about therole the othermight play in the portrayal of one’s own life and one’s own religiosity. Somemay portray the other’s personality and grant insights into the other’s life story, therebyrevealing something about joint processes of meaning-making and lived religion. Onequestion that is of particular interest to my own research is how life stories of the otherare perceived and reconstructed, in other words: how do people talk about their spouse’slife? Those so-called vicarious life stories are part of the complex system creating a feelingof closeness to people, including one’s own life partner. Knowing another person’s mostimportant life stories—knowing how they came to be who they are—is key to under-stand the other and to be able to take their perspective (Panattoni et al., 2021; Panattoni& Thomsen, 2018). Panattoni and colleagues suggest, in these studies investigating therole of vicarious life stories for romantic relationships, that couples likely reproduce eachother’s stories as similarly as they were told to them as favorably as possible in order topreserve closeness with the (usually implicit) aim to justify one’s investment within therelationship and to show understanding for the partner (Panattoni & Thomsen, 2018).38 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThey found that the way people remember and tell stories about their partner’s life shedslight on themselves and on the way they are and the way they construct their own lifestories (p. 1428). In a qualitative analysis derived from that original study, Panattoni andcolleagues investigatedhowa couplewith amixed ethnical backgroundwrote about eachother’s life stories with the aim to show how these stories are actually interwoven on anidiographic level (Panattoni et al., 2021). They found the couple’s written narratives tobe highly interdependent with cultural master narratives. They conclude that a similarin-depth qualitative analysis would most likely be the only way to highlight the powerof such culturally dependentmaster narratives (p. 49). Inmy estimation, this hypothesiswould also call for a longitudinal observation in order to trace developments which mayoccur the longer the relationship lasts on the one hand and themore the cultural masternarrative of the dominant culture is assimilated (or rejected, for thatmatter). Rauer andProulx (2020) point out that while various contexts may influence relationship mainte-nance,cultural influencesmaybecomeevenmore salient over time; however,observationover a longer time period would be needed to empirically prove this hypothesis.Longitudinal studies on couples are rare; more so, studies with a qualitative ap-proach. Those that do exist give profound insights into the intricate dynamics withinthose relationships. Coleman and colleagues (2015) investigated what it means to growold together in their longitudinal study on the health and well-being of older people inEngland: Similar to what Holmberg and colleagues say of their sample (see below), theyfoundmost of their couples still living together in their 70s to be rather happilymarried,they accordingly foundmore similarities than differences among those couples. Variousbenefits of marriage and family life were emphasized, especially as health declined withold age; but while themen’s accounts revealed an awareness of a possible dependency ontheir wives as they grew older (most of the husbands in the sample were older than theirwives), often emphasizing the important role their wives play in their lives, it seems as ifthe wives profited less of the long companionship, even thoughmost of themwould talkfondly of their marriage, they would also see the restrictions that went along with thetask of having to take care of an ageing husband (cf. p. 58ff). On the other side, the loss ofa spouse, even if it occurs in later life and therefore usually not completely unexpected,goes along with a long time of adaption and bereavement and of developing skills tocope with the loss and the necessity to organize one’s life anew.The study design offeredthe opportunity to investigate this process longitudinally by opening the opportunityto have the person portrayed before the death of their spouse and therefore being ableto analyze change and coping not only from a subjective reconstruction. Coleman andcolleagues found that “faith in a future life for their loved ones and an eventual reunionwaswell illustrated in a number of cases” (p. 98).This is an interesting observationwhichwill be taken up again when portraying Carola (chapter 8) who has to deal with the lossof her life partner as well as struggle with her belief in God.Assuming that the life partner is possibly the most influential person in an individ-ual’s life, the question which role religion plays in a relationship is obvious. Jung (2020)investigated in what ways the religiosity of one’s spouse is associated with the other’smeaning in life and their well-being.On the basis of calculations using data from a largesurvey, he found spousal religiosity to be “positively associated with the partner’s senseof meaning in life, independent of the partner’s own religiosity” (p. 523). Lakatos and3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 39Martos, in a meta-analysis of existing literature (2019), confirmed that religiosity playsa vital part in the relationship of religious couples, potentially having a stabilizing effecton the partnership. They likewise point out that longitudinal research may be interest-ing regarding the development of religiosity in each individual (explicitly mentioning,for example, deconversion) and its impact on the relationship, but also when looking atthe impact the relationship has on religiosity (p. 273f).That being said, research like that is widely missing and my study may, in an ex-ploratory fashion, fill that gap. Before turning to that in more detail, I would like topresent two studies that I found to be inspirational not only during my literature re-search, but also in the process of figuring out details for my own study. B oth of them donot deal with religion directly, and only one of them is longitudinal, yet they both gaveme an idea of how the richness of the material at hand could be made fruitful.3.1.1 Dirty Linen: Couples as Seen Through Their LaundryThis study by French sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann was first published in 1992 (theGerman edition is from 2005). Because of his unique approach to the research question,I decided to include it here. Kaufmann reconstructs the underlying mechanisms andstructures of committed, exclusively heterosexual relationships by focusing on an ap-parently minor, everyday part of living together: the handling of dirty laundry. Laundryis seen as an indicator, constantly present but rarely made explicit, therefore containinga symbolic meaning which Kaufmann argues may inform how a relationship works atits inner core. His goal was not to conduct a quantitative study with extensive surveysasking the couples about their household routines. Instead, by interviewing 20 couplesfirst separately, then together, his idea was to “get the laundry to talk” (Kaufmann, 2005,p. 12). While remaining vague about the actual nature of the method he used, he pointsout that his analysis aimed at finding contradictions, hidden ideas, and subtle insinua-tions. In order to get hold of the contradicting statements especially, he created a chartfor each couple individually which helped him organize the themes that emerged anddetermine those topics that were talked about in a different fashion when the respec-tive spouse was present. What is remarkable about the study is that he works close tothe cases,with little quotes from the participants’ interviews throughout the whole bodyof text. Through this, he gets to a profound characterization of the individuals as wellas their relationships. For example, he portrays a young man who was brought up by amother with rigid ideas about cleanness and tidiness. However, she never taught himhow to keep up to these standards himself, since the mother considered these tasks, asthe participant says, to be a woman’s work.When hemoves in with his partner, however,he realizes that she, in contrast to hismother, is less interested in a clean and tidy house-hold, yet is more interested in sharing the tasks equally. Accordingly, the man is forcedto switch his attitudes depending on whether he is with his wife or his mother. Fromthe relevant interview passages, Kaufmann reconstructs what he calls a split of person-ality (which of course is notmeant in a clinical psychological sense), thereby arriving at acharacterization of the participant as well as thoroughly analyzing the relationships thatman has with the two women (cf. pp. 158–159). Kaufmann goes further in demonstrat-ing the merit and the unique feature of this study: He deducts, from having analyzed in40 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdetail the interviews of his participants and their stance toward dirty socks lying on thebedroom floor and toward sharing household tasks,more generalized traits of personal-ities and of ways to organize a relationship. He looks into the past of his participants aswell as the societal past and finds reasons for behavior that is influenced by a traditionalrole understanding for women as well as their claim for emancipation. He notes changehappening regarding gender equality, tentatively saying that the couples younger than50 valued equality in their relationships higher than the older ones.Regarding his study design, having first interviewed the individuals separately andlater as a couple,Kaufmanngave them the chance to test the “idleness of conjugal discus-sions” (p. 223).He reveals that the couples did not talk about their individual experiencesor revelations in the single interviews with each other afterwards, which, as Kaufmannconcludes, proves the importance of silence and concealment of problems as a factor forstructuring a relationship.As an interestingfinding,he points out that amusement is of-ten used as a means to express anger toward the other in a socially more acceptable way(p. 252).In the final part of his study, Kaufmann draws the conclusion that by following thetrace of the laundry, he is able to reveal how much the foundation of relationships hasbeen changing over time: from a pre-tailored marriage to a custom-made relationship.In summing up his efforts and his insights, he states:By itself, every single gesture, the ironed slip, the piece of clothing lying around, isof absurd meaning. In each of these gestures, in the slip or tie which is turned into asocial object, there lies the whole society which determines the individual who triesto manipulate it.1 (Kaufmann, 2005, p. 293, transl. by R.B.)What Kaufmann metaphorically emphasizes here is that from every single sock, everysingle case, nomothetic knowledge can be gained.The sock left lying on the groundmaysymbolize a minor nuisance within a relationship but may lead to a more general dis-cussion about learned gendered behavior regarding the handling of laundry.This is whyKaufmann’s work made a meaningful impact for my research. It identifies how impor-tant it is to look closely and to analyze alsominor details in order to see a possible biggerpicture.3.1.2 Thrice-told Tales. Married Couples Tell their StoriesWith the aim to learn more about the dynamics of the first years of marriage and aboutfactors that contribute to apositive development ofmarital relationships,Holmberg,Or-buch, and Veroff (2004) studied how eachmember of a couple looked at the relationshipindividuallywith a representative sample of 344newlywed couples. In a second step,bothwere asked to narrate the story of their relationship together. While some of the ques-tions asked were eliciting short, precise answers that were easy to put into a rating sys-tem, the focus was on the joint relationship narrative that was intended to give an elabo-rate account on how the spousesmet, about the decision to getmarried, the honeymoon,and the present and the imagined future. To make sure those relationship milestoneswere mentioned, the couples established a guideline to help their memory. In the up-3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 41coming years, the couples were asked to participate again with shorter interventions inyears 2 and 4 in addition to a similar comprehensive set of instruments in years 3 and 7after the marriage. Naturally, some couples opted out for various reasons (among themseparation; the study authors admit that this may contribute to a certain bias in theirsample, since the unhappier couples inmajority did not stay together or declined to par-ticipate) or could not be contacted again since they moved away. The longitudinal sam-ple consisted of 144 couples, which is a large sample for a study with a qualitative focus,from the same county inMichigan,which is described as socio-economically diverse andthat had a sizable African-American population. Thus, half of the couples studied wereAfrican-American, which gave the researchers the opportunity to study ethnicity as apossible factor affecting the narratives.As indicated, the approach the researchers took was mainly qualitative with the aimto quantify most of the data by means of systematic coding with variables put into sys-tematic statistical analyses and applying a repeated-measures analysis of variance (p. xii;p. 77).Othermeans ofmeasurementwere implemented in order to get themost compre-hensive picture of the relationships and to “predict marital quality over time” (p. 1). Thenarrative approach proved most useful to assess the less direct feelings and structuresand themore implicit emotions and experiences.Three different sources of informationwere hypothesized to be of importance for people when building an understanding oftheir relationship as they tell its story (p. 13ff): 1) the provided information about rela-tionships/marriage in their culture or, more specifically, their subculture (these piecesof information or assumptionsmay turn out to bemyths; however, they are important inshaping young people’s expectations); 2) meaning that is developed on an interpersonallevel, i.e. questions that are negotiated between the members of the marriage, like whatmarriage in general and their marriage especially mean to them; this way, couples addtheir own variations to the cultural script they grew up with; and 3) individual beliefsabout marriage, and also individual differences in the capability of telling a story. In avery detailed coding procedures, trained researchers coded for thematic particularities,for affects/emotions, and for interaction (between the spouses).The research team expected changes to occur; however, they were well aware of thefact that longitudinal studies using narrativemethodologywas and still is rare, and theirwork had an exploratory character. One assumption was that the couples’ stories abouttheir relationship would become “better” over time, i.e. better composed regarding dra-maturgy,more entertaining, etc. (p. 75).This hypothesis was not supported. On the con-trary, the narrative quality seemed to decline over time, the stories became shorter and,seemed less dramatic overall. Possible reasons for this might be that the couples did notwant to be repetitive (even though theywere encouraged by the interviewer to be as elab-orate as possible) or that the stories (of how they met, etc.) were not repeated as oftenthe longer the marriage lasted. Another possible reason for this finding is that the cou-ples “may be feeling less of a need to use their narratives as a source of meaning-makingover time” (p. 83). Moreover, the focus would shift from being a couple to being a familyover the years.However, the analysis revealed that the narratives changed in tone as wellas emphasis. Stories often becoming more ambiguous over time, mirroring the currentstate of their relationship as well as other factors that are relevant in the present. Re-garding differences in gender, it is stated that women tend to talk more about their own42 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesfeelings and also about the presumed feelings of the couple as an entity (using “we/us”more often thanmen did).Overall, Holmberg and colleagues found that the couple stories in general had arather positive tone; again, with the caveat of a selection bias since unhappy couplessupposedly did not partake in the study in the first place and were more likely to dropout in the course of the longitudinal research (p. 152). However, the stories were oftencharacterized as pragmatic and more engaged in dealing with everyday problems thanwith a state of bliss and infatuation. One of their participants described the process as:“You get married, you have kids, you raise them. I don’t plan on being no rock star” (p.166), which may reveal a pragmatic approach to long-term marriages. Interestingly, itseems that a story of a marriage could not be told without including other significantothers and a network of supporting people, making marriage “not a duet, but rather acomplex orchestral arrangement, one in which many different people’s needs and pref-erences must be considered and negotiated” (p. 154). Fiori and colleagues (2018), usingthe same sample for their analysis, found that negative aspects of couple’s friendship(e.g., disapproval of friends) was even a predictor for a later divorce.The approach this study took had a focus on the narratives. However, the aim was toquantify as many of the findings as possible, which was to be achieved by elaborate cod-ing systems.That way, coding for affect yielded quantitative data which would feed intothe qualitative findings. The limitations of that approach became clear in fully under-standing the meaning the narrated episodes had for the couples.The researchers admitthat,while theirmorequantitative-orientedmethodsare valuable fordrawingmoregen-eralized conclusions aboutmarriage and narrative, the detailed qualitative analysis theyused in an exploratory fashion at timeswasnecessary to carve out themore private,moreimplicitmeanings anddynamics of those joint narratives.With their approach theywereable to show how themeaning of narrativesmay change over time and reflect the teller’swell-being as well as the state of themarriage by taking circumstances and other factorsinto account.The same storymay illustrate the happy feeling toward one’s marriage andimply a rather nostalgic sense of better times at a later date.Thus, the demand for futureresearch is to carefully consider “current life circumstances and life course issues of theirstorytellers if they wish to obtain nuanced insights into their stories” (p. 169).Regarding the study design of this research, this claim can be fully supported. Study-ing such narratives in a longitudinal design stands out, as does how Holmberg and col-leagues tried to capture the essence of a joint narrative and how they carved out differ-ent meanings, meaningful differences, general conclusions, and delicate personal tra-jectories.Thematerial I study has the advantage of giving amore comprehensive insightinto people’s lives and current motivations, identifying a greater variety of causes thatmay affect relationships, well-being, etc. These phenomena can be taken into accountand captured in a satisfying way by having a clear focus on the qualitative analysis of thenarratives.3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 433.2 Gender Differences in Religiosity and NarratingThatwomenare variouslymore religious thanmenhasbeenwidely postulated,especiallyin the sociology of religion, and is accounted for by diverse theories and hypotheses (foran overview, seeKlein et al., 2017) based on the different socialization of girls and the dif-ferent positionwomenhad andhave in a society.Thepurpose of these gender differencesin socializationwas supposedly tomake girls andwomenmore altruistic,more sociable,less competitive, andmore drawn to religion and its communities in accordancewith theassumption that there are gendered differences in personality traits contributing to fur-ther the attraction of religion for women. Especially group activities, like prayer circlesand discussion groups, seem likely factors for attracting women and reproducing (oftentraditional) gender norms in a “sacred space” of like-minded peers (Di, 2020;Woodhead,2009). Kecskes (2000) reports a gendered effect in religiosity when accounting for reli-gious socialization that is often gender-specific with girls and women being socializedin a more religious fashion than boys.This suggests that it is plausible that the religiouseducation of the next generation falls into the hands ofwomen.Forwomen, the certaintythat aligns with following strictly traditional religious rules may be tempting in a worldin which gender norms are being questioned more and more, yet with the result thatthe expectations toward women become more varied and more demanding. Here, reli-gionmay serve as ameans to copewith contingency (cf.Kaufmann, 1989).Modernizationwithin a society is still shaped bywomen to a lesser degree,with the result that they oftenremain more traditional and more religious. This leads to the assumption that a mod-ernization process that has girls andwomenmore involvedmay eventually contribute toa decline in religiosity (cf. Sammet & Bergelt, 2012; Inglehart & Norris, 2005). Interest-ingly, results from traditionallyCatholic countries like Spain,Portugal, andCroatia showthat womenmay bemore religious and likewisemore egalitarian thanmen, exemplifiedin their agreement to a gender-specific division of labor, which leads to the conclusionthat in those countries which “have seen modernisation processes being pushed, mod-ernisation and detraditionalisation apparently occur in different spheres for each sex”(Sammet & Bergelt, 2012, p. 57). This might align with Schnabel’s finding that “womenare, on average, more religious, but less dogmatic” (Schnabel, 2018, p. 59), at least whenlooking at largely Christian samples.Mostof thosedeductionsarebasedonrather thinevidenceandoften limited toWest-ern, therefore mostly Christian, samples. This may be due to the fact that religiosity isoften assessed with a limited set of items which suggests a Christian background (Kleinet al., 2017). In most cases, this will miss the point when the question is how religiosityis subjectively embellished. Surveys in societies with a Christian tradition often seem tosupport the thesis of gender differences, especially when it comes to positive religiousemotions and the attitude toward religiosity (ibid.). These observations are stronger insocieties, like the German, in which a traditional division of roles is still lived reality (forthe West-German society, it can be said that at least until the 1970’s, the marriage witha single earner and the wife staying at home with the children was the norm2). In heranalysis of ISSP survey data coveringmultiple nations and denominations,Di (2020) hasshown that the societal level of gender equity and secularization is associated with thelevel of traditional religiousness that can be found in women.44 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAn interesting example for the manifestation of roles within a religious communityis given by Rajtar (2017) who describes the relation of religion and genderwithin the EastGerman community of Jehovah’s Witnesses (a group that will be of some importance inchapter 9 onGudrun andWernerwho left the Jehovah’sWitnesses together, both of themhaving a GDR background). While she, unsurprisingly, reports that the structure of thecommunity is generally hierarchical and dominated bymen, she also found reports fromNorth America in which the wives of elders and ministerial servants were not only tak-ing care of the sick and poor but were also in charge of the majority of “preaching” (p.184). The Watchtower Society, which is the main organ of the Witnesses, requires mar-riage to be structured hierarchically as well, with the husband ruling over his wife, inorder to ensure a happy marriage and an intact family.This hierarchy is directly derivedfrom the religious hierarchy, and obeying one’s husband is equaled with obeying Jesus(pp. 187–188). However, she found that the actual praxis sometimes was different. Theactual dynamic was more egalitarian, and there may even be some benefit gained forwomen who may subordinate themselves to men on a surface level but in everyday lifeexperience emotional advantages. Moreover, Rajtar points out that the traditional andhierarchical education postulated by the Witnesses may lead to expectations by womenthat cannot always be met (in the case portrayed, the woman is disappointed when herhusband becomes unemployed and she has to work fulltime to provide for the family,whichwas not how she had expectedmarried life to be). Rajtar also notes that in theGer-man Democratic Republic, where Jehovah’s Witnesses were prohibited and persecuted,the “Stasi” often concentrated on finding and imprisoning the men of the community,overlooking the role women played for the congregations. In consequence, women oftenbecame heads of the families (p. 185).Another study with a decidedly qualitative focus and with a sample of mainly Chris-tian background (Ozorak, 1996) examined howwomen deal with the possible dissonancebetween their perceived role in society and the role assigned to them by their (former)religious community (the women in the sample were rather privileged which was a con-scious decision for a sample bias in order to maximize the likelihood for experiencingsuch dissonance). Ozorak describes these differentmechanisms (whichmay range fromdenial to the urge to change their environment) by analyzing 61 interviews with open-ended questions concerning the participants’ religious and spiritual beliefs and prac-tices. Selective attention was pointed out to be one way to deal with the cognitive dis-sonance which arises by the realization that, while religion is perceived as good, it goesalong with discrimination against women (p. 24). A similar strategy is to focus on his-torical context and thereby cognitively reframing the perceived flaws and injustices, “toimagine thatwhatever progress their religion hasmade represents a segment of a trajec-tory, continuing indefinitely, borne on a rising tide of gender enlightenment” (p. 25)—inother words, they try to see a development toward the positive. However, the womenin Ozorak’s sample also emphasize the importance of the community, which serves assupport and as the place where friendships with like-minded people are possible. Com-munity and caring were carved out to be the most central aspects of women’s religiousexperience, which makes it possible for them to perceive the religious community lessin terms of hierarchy.The women reported substantial benefits for their self-esteem bybeing part of their respective communities. In her conclusion, Ozorak calls for longitu-3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 45dinal studies to see how the motifs she found to be central in women’s argumentationhere develop over time (p. 28).These examples show the points in which research falls short when it only incorpo-rates surveys andofficial documents indeterminingdifferences in religiosity andgenderroles. Specifically, this previous research lacks a focus on the praxis of traditional sys-tems such as the Jehovah’sWitnesses and on individual trajectories and argumentationsshows a rather different, more accentuated picture. But this shifts the focus to anotherquestion: Is the way people talk about their life and their faith gendered as well?Theway a life story gets toldmaydepend on age, gender, race, and class.AsMcAdams(2011, p. 110) points out, “within modern societies different groups are given differentnarrative opportunities and face different narrative constraints.” For the sample understudy, class and race seem comparably negligible (see chapter 4.1 for the description ofthe sample), but the different ways in whichmen andwomenwill tell their stories (and ifthere is anage effect,of course) are of great importance.McLeanandcolleagues (2018) re-port that women rather told stories about marginalization by trend, but also with morepositive meaning than men. Following Fivush and Zaman (2015), that knowledge is al-waysdependentoncontext and ishighlydynamic. It canbeassumed that “certainaspectsof knowledge will be articulated, and thus, by definition, some aspects will be silenced”(p. 36), or: we will hear a different story when it is told by a woman than by a man.Thiscan be explained with very individual experiences that are not gender-related. But thegender perspective should not be neglected since it is one that we carry with us sinceearly childhood as previous research has shown. Parents talk differently to their daugh-ters than they do with their sons, using more emotional language and focusing moreon relationships with their daughters; mothers tend to be more elaborate when talkingwith their children than are fathers (cf. Fivush & Zaman, 2015). In general, reminiscingcan be regarded as a “gendered context” (p. 36), with the result that women tend to tellmore emotional and relational stories,whilemen’s narratives will focus rather on auton-omy. Fivush and Zaman (2014) argue that reminiscing is a “stereotypical female activitythat leads females to both engage in reminiscing and to value reminiscingmore than domales” (p. 587).Thus, it might be expected to find more elaborate autobiographical nar-ratives in the interviews of the women in my sample. However, it has to be taken intoaccount that certain aspects of “gendered” behavior are learned skills andmay differ de-pending on the actual upbringing of the woman.As an example for a qualitative longitudinal study focusing on women’s life narra-tives, I want to present the research done by Ruthellen Josselson (2017; 2009) who hasinterviewed 26 women, over the course of 35 years, starting while they were college se-niors, and in intervals of approximately ten years.3.2.1 Paths to Fulfillment. Women’s Search for Meaning and IdentityUS-American psychologist and psychotherapist Ruthellen Josselson started her researchon the identity of young women in 1972 when she interviewed 60 college seniors ran-domly chosen from four different universities. Over the course of 35 years, she has in-terviewed 26 of them three more times—once each decade, and the last interviews tookplace in 2007. Since the project was not initially planned to be longitudinal, tracking46 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdown the women for the second phase proved to be a challenge due to the fact thatmanyparticipants got married in the interim and changed their last name as it was the normin the 1970’s and 1980’s. Since the women lived all across the country and some abroad,conducting the interviews had to be improvised when a face-to-face situation could notbe arranged.Somewomen recorded their answers, others filled out questionnaires, all ofthose followed up by a (short) interview via phone (cf. Josselson, 2017, p. 12ff).The fourthinterview of the series was conductedmostly in-person, themajority of which by Jossel-son herself. All those interviews were long, narrative interviews (duration: 3–5 hours) inwhich the participants were asked to unfold their life story, with a special focus on themost recent years,but also “reflecting on aspects of the past that have contributed to ‘whoyou are today’” (Josselson, 2009, p. 650). Josselson reports that most of her participantsclaim not to remember what they talked about in their past interviews and firmly rejectthe idea that participating in this study has in any way influenced their life decisions (p.14).3Amajority of the women interviewed were, in Josselson’s estimation, “first women,”thefirst of their families togo to collegeand thefirst generation thatwould lay thegroundfor a change of women’s role within US society. Only few of them were actively involvedin politics, even though most of them reportedly sympathized with the feminist move-ment. However, the societal background against which the sample is portrayed is ratherhomogeneous.Thewomen in Josselson’s sample all had to fulfill the task of bridging twoworlds: the one they grew up in and the one they were aspiring to be part of; their wishto combine work and family was a novelty in modern history (pp. 4f). In the first partof this research project, Josselson identified four distinct pathways: the pathmakers, whocreated a path of their own, taking control of their lives and exploring their possibilities;the guardians, whowere not fundamentally changed by their college experiences, usuallystickingwith the values thatwere derived from their families of origin; the searchers,whoare characterized by active questioning and questing, yet without a defined goal; and, fi-nally, the drifters, who were found to be leaving their future to fate without making anyactive attempt in shaping it.The longitudinal perspective then allowed her to follow thepath those distinct groups took over the course of 35 years and the results are interesting:Nearly all of those women who were classified as pathmakers at time 1 stayed pathmak-ers, while some of those who were seekers or guardians in college in later life becamepathmakers as well. Some of those searchers gave up searching after a while to go backto where they came from and became guardians of sort.4 Those who had been drifterscontinued to drift. In other words, there seemed to be two rather stable groups: thosewho felt they could shape the future and those who never thought they had the power tochange anything and who felt that things just happened to them. Not all of those wereunhappywith this feeling in college; however,a lot of themwere considered tohavemajorpsychological problems that inhibited their identity development (p. 207), and Josselsonstates that already in college it was clear (for her) that their lives would continue in suchaway that would lead to thembeingmiddle-agedwomenwho feel battered and betrayedby life.Even though her work has a clear focus on single case studies, there are some over-arching remarks regarding the trajectories of her sample: In the years after college,mostwomen were occupied with the task of finding themselves and their place in life (“Find-3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 47ing Herself” being the title of the corresponding book; see Josselson, 1987). The womenare described as less religious (p. 40) than they used to be in college, politically rather un-involved, yet rather critical toward the government. They were more aware of women’sissues in the working world and the ongoing discrimination, albeit, rather passively. Intheir 30s and 40s, most of the women had found that place and were now in the pro-cess of juggling the different tasks life held for them (“RevisingHerself,” Josselson, 1996),working and having children, while at the same time having to deal with strokes of fate.The last decade covered by the study, the women now being in their 50s, is tentatively la-belled as “Reaping the Fruits.”What unites those women, and what is affirmed stronglyin those last interviews, is the belief in choice and the belief thatmen andwomen shouldhave equal rights and equal responsibilities and they tried “to send their own childrenoff into the world with a bedrock assumption about gender equality” (Josselson, 2017, p.12).Overall, she found that thewomen tended to root their identity in their relationshipswith other people. At the highpoint of the women’s movement, this was not what Jossel-son had expected (and hoped for, presumably). Yet she came to a deeper understandingof what those relationships mean over the course of the interviews, finding that[a] woman forms her sense of herself through connections with others—at home, atwork, and in her values and beliefs. Identity in women is more rooted in “being” thanin “doing,” and a woman’s life story is often centered on how she experiences herself,or wishes to experience herself, with others. […] How a woman comes to define heridentity is a process of articulating herself with others, bridging what feels inner andnecessary with what opportunities she has for expressing herself in interaction. (Jos-selson, 1996, pp. 32–33)Interestingly, the meaning of friendships changed over time, and when analyzing thefourth wave of interviews, she found that the women did not seem to value friendshipsas highly as they did before; in their 50s, women still held friendships, but they were notas mandatory for stability and their overall identity as they used to be (Josselson, 2017,pp. 277–278). In general, she found that the women did not show a great amount of self-reflection; they were focused on the future, looking forward rather than backward or in-ward. In the most recent decade of their lives, they seemed to look at their lives withmore awareness of the various influences, their embeddedness in relationships and so-ciety and seem to have gained a deeper insight into their own inner world (pp. 261–262).Mainly being done with the task of raising children and mastering their work life, theyare probably able to look back for the first time in their lives.However,when they do lookback, they emphasize the impact they have had on their children and others they caredfor—in other words, most of them have a clear focus on generativity (cf. also McAdams,2006); this is true for the pathmakers, while in the drifters’ accounts the absence of suchgenerative thoughts was notable.Josselson’s approach to this kind of study is rather idiosyncratic.While she did followcertain interview protocols in the earlier phases of the project, she states that the inter-views were rather unstructured in the last phase, with a focus on capturing the unique-ness of each woman’s life trajectory (pp. 294–295). Her approach is sorted into the fieldof narrative inquiry, whichmay focus on the in-depth reading of an interview like in her48 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesstudy, focused on one or more particular topics (cf. Josselson, 2009, p. 650), and takinginto account structure as well as content.This way, she arrives at a very profound under-standingof eachwomanandher life story, those portraits being inherwords, “verymuchmy renditions, based on what [the women] have told me but organized throughmy ownperspectives” (Josselson, 2017, p. 15). So, her agenda is not to prove something, she doesnot stick to one specialmethod (other than consequently stayingwithin the area of quali-tative researchmethods), but adapts themaccording to the needs of her participants andthe material derived from them. Josselson states in the preface of her book:I make no argument in this book; I have no axe to grind. My aim is tomap the develop-mental paths of adulthood. I lay claim to charting the seasons of a woman's life anddemonstrating how different inner arrangements at the end of college give way todifferent life courses. Because of these different launching patterns, generalizationsabout women, even college-educated women, become impossible to sustain. Womenbecome themselves in intricate ways. (ibid., p. xiii)This way of putting the subject of investigation in the center of the research focus, ar-ranging all the instruments and analytical tools around it, is appealing when the aim isto follow individuals’ life trajectories since this pays tribute to the fact that lives are so di-verse, narrations so unique that it needs a certain degree of flexibility to get to the core ofthem.The price to pay is that it is difficult to attach research like this to a wider frame, toenable comparison and ensure validity.But this, obviously,was not Josselson’smain con-cern; instead, shewanted tounderstand the individual and thereby create amore generalknowledge about the “paths to fulfillment” US-American women took in the second partof the 20th century. For my own research presented here, the clear focus on the subject,on the single case is likewise important. The idea to give each individual the room theyneed was very inspiring for me and encouraged me to proceed with a design that has aclear focus on the content and narrative analysis of the interviews.However, as has beenindicated in the Introduction already, I alsowanted to look at thematerial, at the individ-ual, from different perspectives, and, not leave the general paths that have been laid outby the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research project.Thus, my own approach includes a man-ualized structural analysis aswell as the look into the survey data, thereby stayingwithinthe long-standing research tradition of the project which has always aimed at a mixed-methods approach.3.3 Relevance of my Own Research and Explication of Research QuestionsThedevelopmentof faith,of religiosity,andofworldviewhas rarely been studied longitu-dinally.Recently, our teampublished results from the first phase of our own longitudinalstudy (Streib, Keller, et al., 2022), which only encompasses two timepoints of measure-ment. Having three interviews and survey data from three waves of measurement, it isnow possible to trace actual development and to see what changes over time and whichstories, etc. stabilize (cf. also Keller et al., 2024).This study is built on these different dataand focuses on couples and,more specifically, on women.The challenge is that the study3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 49that is the basis for my own research does not have a focus on either women or couples,whichmeans that the participants are never directly askedhow they experience being re-ligious together as a couple or if they experienced any particularities, special treatments,etc. that they attribute to their gender. However, the literature review above has shownthat longitudinal research in this field is a desideratum, which is why my analysis mayhelp shed light on the question of gender differences in subjective religiosity and its de-velopment over time.Having the chance to analyze interviews ofmarried couples as wellopens the opportunity to compare the way people talk about their respective spouse andwill grant insights into the way a mutual faith shapes the relationship and how this issubject to change.Qualitative and mixed-methods approaches are still rather rare in the study of thepsychology of religion, as has been pointed out by Pak (2020), who, in a review of journalarticles, found those approaches to be the exception, and, in the case of mixed-methodsresearch, often treating qualitative inquiry in a rather neglecting way.My focus on qual-itativemethodswill, thus, allow an in-depth analysis of religiosity as it is actually experi-enced. Schwab (2013) has pointed out that approaches like these are able to demonstrate“how religion and spirituality is lived and experienced, highlighting the contextualizedand socially situated nature of these topics” (p. 219), and especially a focus on narrativeswillmake it possible to gain insights into the nature of people’s (religious) narrative iden-tity. This way, and with a special focus on linguistic particularities, I want to contributeto the study of psychology of religion by generating further understanding of people’sindividual ways of meaning-making and religious development over time, since my hy-pothesis is that those changes are often so subtle that it is not possible to capture themwith less fine-grained methods. However, quantitative methods shall not be completelyneglected in this study,since they canallow foradifferentperspectiveon theparticipants’personality.Looking at “the subject,” i.e., the individual, fromdifferent perspectives, tak-ing into account quantitative findings as well as the micro analysis of narratives grantsthe opportunity to draw a picture that hasmultiple dimensions, creating knowledge thatis greater than if one just limited analysis to one single approach. Following a researchparadigm called triangulation (Flick, 2018), I will thus try to contribute to questions suchas:• Howdoes the narrative identity change over time?How is a religious narrative identity created?These questions are, naturally, best approached with a thorough narrative analysis;they can, however, be enrichedwith findings from the structural analysis of the FDIs(for a more detailed descriptions of methods, see chapter 4). Data from the surveyswill help complete the picture since it is hypothesized that changes in narrative iden-tity may also reflect in a different response behavior in the questionnaire.• Going further, I want to know how subjective religiosity changes over time.Themodels ofreligious styles and types have laid a complex theoretical groundwork and the aimhere is to put more flesh on the categories that these models propose. Especiallyregarding the longitudinal perspective and therefore the modeling of trajectoriesof types, this study here will be able to explicate what it actually means to “moveup/move down/stay” in the logic of the religious types. This is achieved by lookingin detail at the participants’ answers regarding their self-assessment as religious or50 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesspiritual, in combination with free text entries defining religion/spirituality on amore general level.• Can we find life themes, “leitmotifs” that are constituent for the way people look at themselvesand their lives? Are these constant? As has been laid out above,master narratives are notbound to change thatmuch, and it is assumed that leitmotifs can be found in the lifestories of my participants.• Looking at the couples:Howdoes the look on the other spouse change over time?Howdoes the“same story” differ depending onwho is telling it (andwhen)? Here, as has been said above,the challenge is, since the relationship is not a direct topic of the interview format,to carve out the little stories that deal with the partner, to find implicit positioningsand to analyze the subtle differences that are bound to occurwhen the story of a jointlife gets told again and again.• Focusing on the women: Is religiosity gendered?Howdowomen’s accounts on their religiousexperiences differ from those told by men? In what ways are the women shaped by their up-bringing and how does the narrative identity change as they get older? In contrast to otherresearch, I am not interested in the questions whether women are more religious,pious, etc. I want to know how they are religious, how they see themselves, how theydescribe their own religiosity. Moreover, I am interested to learn how this self-pre-sentation changes over time.Naturally, these questions demand a rather idiographic approach. I expect get a nuancedpicture of the individual under investigation from the detailed analyses of personal ac-counts. I do not aim to get to conclusions applicable to allwomen, to all religious people,etc. However, my research interest is not limited to the trajectories of single persons,even though each of them is fascinating in its own sense and well worth the effort; butby carving out themes that may stretch over more than one case study, by taking intoaccount established measurements of personality traits and other scales used in largesurveys, I am able to link the individuals that I present in the case studies to follow tothe larger sample of this study. I hope to contribute to the research tradition of the FaithDevelopmentTheory and to establish it in thewider field of narrative and developmentalpsychology and vice versa.Notes1 Für sich betrachtet, scheint jede einzelne Geste, der gebügelte Slip, das herumlie-gendeKleidungsstück,von lächerlicherBedeutung. In jederdieserGesten indes, imzum sozialen Objekt geronnenen Slip oder Schlips, steckt die ganze Gesellschaft,die das Individuum determiniert, welches sie zu manipulieren glaubt.2 See, for example: https://de.statista.com/statistik/daten/studie/1166560/umfrage/erwerbstaetige-frauen-in-westdeutschland/3 This is an interestingobservationandaquestion thatmayalsobeapplied tomysam-ple: Does being interviewed with the FDI, does being asked to reflect on one’s life,relationships and so on change theway people think about those questions?Most ofthe longitudinal participants claim that theydonot remember their past interviews;3. Couples and Women—A Look into the Research Landscape 51some of them, though, do remember single questions when they seemed particu-larly interesting or difficult; it might be hypothesized that thinking about those foroneself or even talking about them with others will change the answer people givein the next interview. So, being interviewed might indeed have an effect on theirdevelopment, however small.4 This is an interesting observation which will be taken up again in the case study ofJannis (chapter 5.2).4. MethodsAs has been pointed out above, the research topic is complex and needs more than onemethod. In this section, after introducing my sample, I will present the different ap-proaches I took to explore the essentials of each individual’s narrative identity, remain-ingmindful of the question how individual findings can contribute to the greater under-standing of (religious) development on a more general level. Kaufmann has presented apointed argument in his approach to his study of couples’ dirty laundry (see above)whichI would like to prepend to this section dealing with methods:Indeed, it was never about doing a survey, which would have necessitated a big-scalepoll, but instead to work on answers for a longer period of time to get “the laundryto talk.” […] As in a police investigation, the tiniest signs for the existence of hiddenideas and gestures had to be noted. Therefore, special attention had to be given tothe contradictions between different statements, in order to identify the social logicat work behind the apparently uniform façade, and the social fragmentation of theindividuals behind their superficial psychological unity, and so to isolate the singlefragments as elements of the couples and to determine what was their place withinthat.1 (Kaufmann, 2005, p. 12, transl. by R.B.)What Kaufmann describes is also true for the investigation of personal or subjective re-ligiosity: The framework provided by religion may often serve people as a hide or refugewhen asked for personal opinions, and therefore an idiographic approach is necessary(cf. Schachter & Ben Hur, 2019, p. 292) to decode what may be hidden, which Josselson(2004) has called “hermeneutics of suspicion,” borrowing the term from Ricœur and ap-plying it in narrative research, thus focusing on singularities instead of trying to figureout regularities. Since the terms idiographic and nomothetic are of importance for my ap-proach, I define them as follows, borrowing the terminology from Lamiell (1981, 2019)which was also used to describe the approach in the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research (cf.Keller et al., 2022): nomothetic, in this context, is understood as explaining “that, whichalways is” (Lamiell, 2019, p. 32; a definition Lamiell himself borrowed from the Germanphilosopher Wilhelm Windelband, 1894) with a focus on regularities that is tradition-ally found in the natural sciences. The idiographic approach seeks to understand “what54 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesonce was” (ibid.), with an emphasis in the German original (“was einmal war”; Windel-band, 1894, p. 12) on the singularity of an event or entity. The differentiation between“explaining” (nomothetic) and “understanding” (idiographic) is crucial here and lines outthe different ways of looking at data and subjects of investigation. In an attempt to inte-grate the nomothetic perspective aswell, this study also includes the view on survey datawhich makes it possible to compare the single case to the sample and also draw on find-ings fromprevious research.Theapproach I take, following the general line theBielefeld/Chattanooga research project has established, is that ofmethodological pragmatismanddisciplinary agnosticism (see Steppacher et al., 2024; cf. alsoHermans, 2014, pp. 60–61).Thismeans I put the subject of the research—the participants that are part ofmy sampleandmy own research questions—in the center and from there explore how they can bestbe analyzed, attempting to “choose the combination or mixture of methods and proce-dures that works best for answering [my] research questions” (Johnson &Onwuegbuzie,2004, p. 17). Accordingly, I will first present the sample and the selection of cases andthen each strand of the design separately; in a last step, I will describe the triangulationprocess, thus, the process of relating the different kinds of data with each other, cover-ing also the longitudinal perspective.The chapter is concludedwith a presentation of thecase study structure that is applied to all cases.4.1 Sample DescriptionAs explained in chapter 1, the interviews used for this study stem from the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research project which has accumulated over the years a large longitudi-nal FDI samplewhich consists of 75 participants who have been interviewed thrice in thecourse of nearly 20 years. The first interview timepoints are different, since the longi-tudinal research design assembles participants from different research projects, namelytheDeconversion Project (Streib et al., 2009) and the Spirituality Project (Streib &Hood,2016).Thus,when I talk about “time 1” in the case studies to follow, this refers to differenttimepoints: For those who started in the Deconversion Project, the time of the first in-terview was between 2003 and 2006; those who had their first interview in the course ofthe Spirituality study completed it between 2009 and 2012. The second timepoint triedto tie those two projects together yet still covered a considerable time range from 2013to 2017. The third project phase was the shortest in this respect and lasted from 2018 to2019. Accordingly, the period over which the survey data was collected was long as well.The terminology I chose to acknowledge this fact is the following: whenever I refer toquestionnaire data, especially when it is related to the whole sample, I refer to a “wave”of data collection as indicating a period of time.When analyzing the interviews, I adhereto the terminology of “time” since those can easily be dated. In the following subchap-ters, I will first present the sample and its characteristics and then go on to describe theoverall design I apply to the case studies that will follow in the chapters 5 to 10. A noteon the consideration of ethical aspects and data protection: The study design and all itselements have over the years been evaluated and approved by the ethics committee ofBielefeld University and the Institutional Review Board of the University of Tennesseeat Chattanooga. This ensures the work is conducted under high ethical standards. Par-4. Methods 55ticipants were asked to sign consent forms that fulfilled the respective standards at thattime.The portrayal of the participants in the case studies is done in a way that preservestheanonymityof the individuals in thebestpossibleway.Names,places,andoccupationswere pseudonymized, and details in narratives left out if they could potentially have ledto the person’s identity.Since my research interest is on the development of subjective religiosity and narra-tive identity over time, I chose those cases that had been interviewed thrice2 already tobe able to line out a development over three timepoints. Given that my research ques-tions are extensive enough in themselves, I decided to focus on the German part of thesample and to map single cases and autobiographies on the background of German his-tory and society.This leftmewith 59 longitudinal cases fromGermanywhose survey dataare all included in the sample means I present in the case studies. Of these 59 cases, 31are male and 28 female. The mean age at wave 1 was 47.4, ranging from 20 to 76 years.Nearly two thirds of the sample (64.3%) report to have tertiary education, another 30.4%has upper secondary education, so, as a whole, the sample can be described as ratherwell-educated. As for their religious affiliation, at wave 1, 45.8% state to belong to theProtestant church and 16.9% to the Catholic. 23.7% do not affiliate with a specific reli-gion, 6.8% sympathize with Paganism; moreover, there are two Buddhists, one Hindu,and one Muslim. These cases will help me map the (however non-representative) back-ground, allowing for comparison of single survey results.This sample, since it assemblesparticipants from different projects which had different research foci, comprises peo-plewith diverse religious and nonreligious backgrounds, ranging from formermembersof the Jehovah’s Witnesses over members of the mainline Protestant church to personsinvested with esotericism and to persons who have been atheists their whole lives.As I have already laid out when explicating my research questions, I decided to fo-cus on the three couples that are part of this longitudinal sample. These couples are allhighly religious and thus are supposed to give profound insights into themeaning-mak-ing processes of faithful people and also into how they look back at their lives and theirrelationship. The couples serve as minimal contrast in regard to their religiosity, eventhough they do cover a range of different religions: While Bianca and Jannis (chapter5) have both been raised in the Catholic faith, Renate and Richard (chapter 7) share abackground in the Protestant church andwithin themissionarymovement.Gudrun andWerner (chapter 9) have deconverted from the Jehovah’s Witnesses and are, after a timein the mainline Protestant church and a couple of years spent in a Charismatic parish,engaged in private Bible studies enriched with lectures by a theologian at the time of thelast interview. Yet, the couples are in very different places in their lives when they wereinterviewed:Bianca and Jannis areboth in their early 20sby the timeof thefirst interviewand have recently been married, having just had their first child. The other two couplesare older and have already left behind the phase of raising children.They are, to differentextents, occupied with the question of how they want to spend the rest of their lives andhow to spend their time after retirement alongwith how to copewith the adversities thatcome along with getting old. All of these couples have been together for a long time, sochange and continuity in their life stories and the way they talk about each other can beobserved on amicro level.56 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAs another research interest formulated in the research question is on the develop-ment of women, I then took a closer look at the female part of my sample.The idea wasto portray the breadth of the female sample while also being able to compare the cases.Since the couples are all religious, yet vary in age,my strategywas to findwomenwho arecomparable in age to thewomenwithin the couples butwho did not consider themselvesreligious, thus combining aminimal contrast (thewomen I chose as contrast should eachmatch one of the couples regarding age) with a maximal contrast (regarding religios-ity vs. non-religiosity). To get a first impression of how the women self-identify in thisregard, I decided to look at the question in the survey “Do you consider yourself morereligious or more spiritual?” As forced-choice answers for this question, the followingoptions were available: “more religious than spiritual,” “equally religious and spiritual,”“more spiritual than religious,” and “neither religious nor spiritual.” This promised tocapture the self-assessed religiosity better than the question of religious denomination,since this might reveal formal membership only; however, this approach is still rathercoarse-grained, since it can be expected that participants will not always fully agree toone of those statements but will instead choose the one that fits best. Figure 2 illustratesthe answers of 27 female participants at all three timepoints (one person did not fill outthe survey at any point in time) and the three men that are part of the couples.This figure also shows the development over time,which was also taken into accountwhen I looked for interesting cases to contrast with the couples. As can be seen here, Re-nate and Richard did not fill out the survey at wave 1, and labeled themselves “equally re-ligious and spiritual” at wave 2, while at wave 3, they both opted for “more religious thanspiritual.” Werner and Gudrun favor, in almost all waves, the self-description “more re-ligious than spiritual,” with the exception for Gudrun who, at wave 2, prefers the answer“equally religious and spiritual.” A similar pattern can be observed for Bianca and Jannis:while they mostly opt for “equally religious and spiritual,” Bianca chooses to call herself“more religious than spiritual” during wave 2. Finding and portraying those that iden-tified as “more spiritual than religious” or “neither religious nor spiritual” was the nextstep. Considering age as well as self-identification, I ended up with three women thatwould broaden the perspectives offered by the investigation of the religious couples andcould therefore serve asmaximal contrast: Nadine,who is in hermid-20s at wave 1, con-stantly identifies as “more spiritual than religious.” She serves as contrast to Bianca andJannis, being of similar age, yet not affiliatedwith any religious denominationwhile alsofavoring some kind of spirituality. Carola,who is in hermid-50s at wave 1, self-identifiesas “more religious than spiritual” in the first wave (while also reporting a deconversionexperience), while in the later waves self-identifying as “neither religious nor spiritual.”Age-wise, she canbe compared toRenate,while her (non-)religious journey seems to takea different pathway. For the oldest age group, I chose Marion, who is in her mid-60s atwave 1, andwho, likeNadine, constantly self-identifies as “more spiritual than religious.”Marion states to be affiliated with Buddhism at wave 2, but otherwise does not indicatea religious affiliation. She is of similar age as Gudrun andWerner at wave 1 andwill serveas a contrast to the couple’s religious pathway.4. Methods 57Figure 2: More Religious orMore Spiritual?58 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesFor an overview, I have illustrated how the cases are distributed age-wise in Figure3.The cases I chose cover an age-span from young to middle adulthood (Bianca, Jannis,and Nadine) and frommiddle adulthood to old age.The figure maps those cases againsta historical background that is shared bymost of the participants (Jannis is the exceptionhere, since he was not born in Germany). The older part of my sample has experiencedWorld War 2 and/or the post-war era in Germany as children and adolescents, there-fore they may refer to a cultural life script that involves the hardships of this timespan.Yet, they do this to different degrees as will be seen in the case studies with some hardlymentioning the war time and others portraying it as important and influential for theirdevelopment. The other historical landmarks have been chosen to point out importantevents and stand, for a time period that may have influenced the participants in theirpolitical stance, the way they think about “strangers,” etc.The speech bubbles appearingin the 2000s indicate the interview timepoints.The selection of course could have looked different. Evenwith a sample of that rathersmall size, the opportunities for comparison are immense (and are explored in otherstudies related to theBielefeld/Chattanooga researchproject;more on this in chapter 12).The cases I chosewith the criteria laid out above aim to show the diversity that lieswithinthis sample that is fairly heterogenous: the participants are all White and none of themreports a gender other than the male/female binary (the option “diverse” was offered inwave 2 and 3.The exception is Nadine who did not give a clear statement regarding hergender at wave 2 yet identifies as female in the other surveys). Many participants arerather well-educated and report having “Abitur” (the school-leaving qualification neces-sary to go to university) or a college degree, andmost of them report a fairly high income.They all presumably have some interest in thefield of religion/spirituality/worldviewandthe questions that we ask in the longitudinal project since otherwise theywould not haveagreed to participate thrice, and thus it can also be assumed that they are, to a varyingdegree, comfortable with talking about themselves, their lives and their values. Yet, thecase studies that will be displayed here in the following show a great variety: They havedifferent life stories, each of them interesting in their own way and display a high vari-ance in theway they have experienced relationships, different values, and fundamentallydisparate worldviews and religious standpoints. Carving out the multiple facets of eachcase andportraying themwith asmuchdiligence as possible is achievedby applying ade-tail-oriented analysis, focusing on narrative and content.The different personalities andthe different life stories demand some flexibility when presented here. However, I de-veloped a model for the case studies which is oriented by the approaches that have beenused in the Bielefeld/Chattanooga projects before (Keller et al., 2022, Keller et al., 2016a,Streib et al., 2009) and adapted to my specific research questions. The next paragraphswill line out the different methods applied and will then go into more detail regardingthe structure of the case study chapters.4. Methods 59Figure3:CasesMappedagainstHistoricalBackground60 Leitmotifs in Life Stories4.2 Research with the Faith Development InterviewThe most important instrument for my research is the Faith Development Interview(FDI), which has been developed by Fowler (1981) with the aim to support and verifyempirically his theoretical considerations. In the course of 40 years, the 25 questionsthat Fowler proposed to study how faith develops have basically stayed the same. How-ever, changing religious landscapes and upcoming trends (for example, the growingpopularity of the term spirituality) as well as the aspiration to study religious as well asatheist people required the careful adaptation of the wording of some of those questions(for example, in question 4, “worldview” has been added in the latest revision to makethe question more accessible for non-religious participants or for people who do notbelieve in a god). Table 2 presents these questions in their current form.Table 2: TheQuestions of the FDI (current version)LIFE REVIEW1. Reflecting on your life thus far, identify itsmajor chapters. If your life where a book – howwouldyou name the different chapters?Whatmarker events stand out as especially important?2. Are there past relationships that have been important to your development as a person?3. Do you recall any changes in relationships that have had a significant impact on your life or yourway of thinking about things?4. How has your worldview changed across your life’s chapters? How has this affected your imageof God or of the Divine, or what is holy for you?What does itmean to you now?5. Have you had moments of intense joy or breakthrough experiences – moments that haveaffirmed or changed your sense of life’smeaning?6. Have you experienced times of crisis or suffering in your life? Have you experienced times whenyou felt profound disillusionment, or that life had nomeaning?What happened to you at thesetimes? Howhave these experiences affected you?RELATIONSHIPS7. Focusingnowon thepresent, howwould youdescribe your parents?Howdo you see your currentrelationship to them?Have there been any changes in your perceptions of your parents over theyears? If so, what caused the change?8. Are there any other relationships that are important to you?9. What groups, institutions, or causes, do you identify with?Why are they important to you? Arethere groups that have been important to you, but are not important anymore? Did you leave a(religious) community recently?PRESENTVALUES ANDCOMMITMENTS10. Do you feel that your life hasmeaning at present?Whatmakes your lifemeaningful to you?11. If you could change one thing about yourself or your life, what would youmost want to change?12. Are there any beliefs, values, or commitments that seem important to your life right now?13. When or where do you find yourselfmost in communion or harmonywith the Universe?4. Methods 6114. What do you considermature faith or amatureway to handle existential questions?15. When you have an important decision tomake, how do you generally go about making it? Canyou give me an example? If you have a very difficult problem to solve, to whom or what wouldyou look for guidance?16. Do you think that actions canbe right orwrong? If so,whatmakes anaction right in your opinion?17. Are there certain actions or types of actions that are always right under any circumstances? Arethere certainmoral opinions that you think everyone should agree on?RELIGIONANDWORLDVIEW18. Do you think that human life has apurpose? If so,what is it? Areweaffectedby apower or powersbeyond our control?19. What does deathmean to you?What happens to us whenwe die?20. Do you consider yourself a religious, spiritual or faithful person? Or would you prefer anotherdescription?What does itmean to you?21. Do you pray,meditate, or perform any other spiritual practice?22. Are there any religious, spiritual or other ideas, symbols or rituals that are important to you, orhave been important to you? If so, what are they andwhatmakes them important?23. What is sin, to your understanding?24. Howdo you explain the presence of evil in our world?25. If people disagree about issues of worldview or religion, how can such conflicts be resolved?The table shows that the interview is divided into four areas and covers the topics lifereview, relationships, values and commitments, and religion and worldview. The inter-view guideline is semi-structured, and the questions are to be asked in the order that ispresented here with the aim to keep the framework as controlled as possible. And eventhough the interview questions are not completely open-ended, it becomes clear at firstsight that they are meant to elicit narratives and to get the participant to talk in lengthabout their life, their worldview, and their moral stance. With answers to these ques-tions, researchersmay learn how participants construct the world around them and cre-ate meaning. Fritz Schütze introduced the method of the narrative interview to socialscience. The invitation to be as elaborate as possible ideally creates an atmosphere inwhich it is possible to surrender to a narrative stream of re-living experiences, withoutfalling back on a narrative template that has, in other circumstances, been of use fre-quently (cf. Schütze, 1984, p. 78). Often, these interviews become long, often lasting twohours or longer. Conducting the interviews is a challenging task and should not be at-tempted without a thorough training and consulting with an experienced interviewer.The training also ensures that the questions can be explained to the participants whilegiving them space to find their own interpretation and access to the question and thatshort answers are prompted with follow-up question that may get the interviewee toelaborate on their strand of thought. Last but not least, this kind of training ensures thatdifferentmodes of interviewing (face to face, via telephone or video call) result in compa-rable interviews.3 Together with an understanding of the underlying theory and the fol-lowing evaluation process it serves to account for differences in the interviewers’ profes-62 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessional background and to ensure a commonapproach,which leaves room for the dynam-ics that emerge in the course of an interview,with the result that the interviews are con-ducted in the best controlled way possible4. Properly conducted, the FDI is a formidableinstrument for both researchers and participants since it allows to explore all facets offaithwithin one’s own biography aswell as engagewith profound questions and possiblyfind new and surprising answers. The interviews were recorded and then transcribed,according to rules based on content semantic transcription (Dresing & Pehl, 2018).Ending up with such rich material demands rigorous methods of analysis in orderto capture the richness of the material at hand. The traditional way of approaching theinterview texts has been introduced by Fowler and has been revised thricewith the struc-tural evaluation based on a manual designed for a specific purpose. Section 4.2.1 willgive an introduction into this method; however, since this is not the main instrumentused in my study, the remarks will be short. For a more comprehensive presentation ofthis method, I refer to the latest version of theManual for the Assessment of Religious Styles(Streib & Keller, 2018b).4.2.1 Coding for Religious Styles Using the Manual for the Assessmentof Religious StylesAs justmentioned, theManual,which serves as the guideline to evaluate the FDI regard-ing the structure of the answers given by the participants, has been revised over the years(Moseley et al., 1986; DeNicola & Fowler, 1993; Fowler et al., 2004; and the latest versionby Streib & Keller, 2018b). The basic principle when coding an FDI is observing struc-ture rather than content. Structures, in this context, are to be understood as “patterns ofcognitive and affective operation by which content is understood, appropriated,manip-ulated, expressed and transformed” (Streib &Keller, 2018b, p. 19).Wewant to assess howa person is arguing something, not what they are arguing. This necessitates an intensetraining and supervision process. This way of looking at data is not easy since it meanswe neglect the content of an answer in order to determine the structure of a person’smeaning-making processes.These processes are not simple patterns, but multi-dimen-sional constructs.Thus, the questions of the FDI are sorted into six different aspects thatFowler has found to be “windows” on faith. Originally, Fowler spoke of seven aspects,including form of logic (a concept referring to Piaget connected to the assumption thatstructural differences in faith relate to the structural difference in cognitive operations,with a development going from pre-concrete to formal logic during adolescence/youngadulthood), which was eliminated in the current version of theManual with the aim toseparate the observation of development of cognitive operations and religious styles andto allow for comparative research of these two (ibid., p. 10). The six aspects remainingare: perspective taking, social horizon,morality, locus of authority, form of world coherence, andsymbolic function. In a very condensed form, these aspects can be described as follows:4. Methods 63• perspective taking: the way a person constructs themself and others as well as the rela-tionshipwith others; the extent towhich a person is able to construct one’s own innerlife and that of others;• social horizon: the way a person positions themself within their environment: family,thepeer group, society,humanity;whichpersons andgroups are important andwhy?• morality: the way a person thinks about moral issues and what they consider to be amoral question in the first place;• locus of authority: theway a person chooses authorities; how is the relationship towardan authority constructed?• form of world coherence: the way a person “makes sense” and how they fit different ele-ments of experiences together;• symbolic function: the way symbols are understood and appropriatedFor each of these aspects, theManual gives style-specific descriptions, so-called codingcriteria, which are the groundwork for the assignment of one style to each answer. Inorder to do this, an understanding of the styles in general is necessary before applyingthis to the aspect-specificdescriptions. I havegivenabrief outline for the styles in section2.4 already, so Iwill now exemplify this by describing the styles as specified for perspectivetaking which is the leading aspect in the newest version of theManual (cf. pp. 28ff for allcoding criteria):• style 1 (subjective): there is no awareness of the interiority of the other;• style 2 (instrumental-reciprocal): realizing that others have their ownperspectives,how-ever stereotypical;• style 3 (mutual): perspective taking is rather implicit, on an interpersonal level andconnected to social roles• style 4 (individuative-systemic): the perspective of the other can be taken, in a way thatis mediated by one’s own view of ideology• style 5 (dialogical): full perspective taking is possible, the own standpoint can be ex-cluded in order to fully understand the viewpoint of the otherHaving made oneself familiar with the detailed coding criteria, the coding procedureitself demands a close look at the single answers in order to determine themost adequatestyle for each.At the endof this process,we get a style aspectmapwhich allows for a goodoverview over the whole interview:64 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesFigure 4: Style-AspectMapHere,one sees the questions sorted by aspect,which grants the possibility to view theaspects separately. As illustrated in the figure, aspects may be rated with different stylesand thus the overview showsadetailedpicturewith adifferentiated viewwhichgets evenmore complex when taking into consideration the development over time.Though I re-frained fromshowing the style aspectmaps formyparticipants’ interviews, Iwill discussthose ratings in relation to the findings of the narrative analysis and considering the sur-vey data, aswill be detailed below.Furthermore, Iwill point out the classification into thereligious types categories (cf. section 2.4), which constitute the further development ofthe styles and allow for an easier view on the changes that happen over the lifespan.4.2.2 Coding for Content and Narrative Using ATLAS.tiTheapproach to look at the structure of the interviewee’s answer and neglect the contentseems necessary but not sufficient when aiming at portraying in depth an individual’strajectory and their narrative identity as it changes over time. The themes that are dis-cussed in the interviews deserve at least equal attention, last but not least because they,too, are subject to change over time. Which life stories appear over and over again andwhich ones obviously lose importance?Which are the bigger societal topics that the par-ticipants refer to when talking about their own life and their approach to moral ques-tions? Following these questions, and as has been described in Keller et al. (2022), it isnecessary to look at the interview in different ways for capturing change in content:4. Methods 65• presentationof life review, relationships, values, and religion/worldview; thereby ad-hering to the areas suggested by the interview guideline;• identification of religious identity narratives, deconversion stories, and othermean-ingful narratives that may explain subjective change;• identification of pre-existing categories derived from previous research, such as de-conversion criteria (Streib et al., 2009) and autobiographical arguments (see above);• openness for new and surprising particularities of the single case.For this study, the last bullet pointwas the guiding principle; whilemy central aimwas tocapture the development of subjective religiosity and narrative identity, I soon realizedthat I did not want to risk losing the special features of each life story and each personI portray here. Overall, writing extensive case studies has proven to be useful in orderto do justice to the rich material, not only for me but also in the history of the researchprojectsmy own study emerged from (see Streib et al., 2009; Streib & Keller, 2015; Streib& Hood, 2016; Streib & Klein, 2018, and Streib, Keller et al., 2022).All these demands listed above hint at the complexity and the necessity to have an in-strument to systematically analyze the data.Thus, the research team that I ampart of de-veloped a coding guideline using the qualitative analysis software ATLAS.ti.The creationof that guideline startedwith an open approach of reading different interviews carefully,using maximal and minimal contrast as selection criteria in order to get an idea of thevariety of the sample as well as finding interindividual similarities, following the idea oftheoretical sampling in which the choice of cases is driven by an interplay with findingsfrom already evaluated data (cf. Glaser & Strauss, 1967/1999; Dimbath et al., 2018), not-ing down everything that caught the eye and then comparing those notes with the otherresearchers. Step by step, we came to a long list of codes that were clearly too detailed,the list simply too long to be of practical use.Thus, we shortened and condensed the list,eliminating the most idiosyncratic codes and merging others that were similar enoughto refer to a joint, bigger, topic. After this time-consuming process, we ended up withtwo separate coding guidelines (that are still subject to changes, extensions and reduc-tions), having made the decision that it would be wise to facilitate handling the contentcodes and the narrative codes separately.The content codes aremeant to capture impor-tant themes and their variations, giving an overview about the most important aspectsthe interviewee discusses in their interview.The narrative code list pays attention to theway the participants talk, looking at structure from a different angle than the evaluationmethod described above; here, we pay attention to argumentation strategies and waysof creating coherence by linguistic means. Both coding guidelines are too extensive toshowhere entirely5, but as an illustration of their structure, Figure 5 and Figure 6 providesome insights. Given the fact that the idea was to combine inductive as well as deductiveapproaches, the content code guideline does not only contain codes inductively derivedfrom the interviewmaterial itself, but also codes that stem from previous research, suchas the deconversion criteria and the exit trajectories (Streib et al., 2009). The narrativecode list was created in a top-down fashion, even though we enriched it, in a rather ex-ploratory fashion, with more specific topoi, i.e. implicit argumentation strategies, thatwe found in the interviews (finding topoi and other implicit argumentation strategies inFDIs was already part of mymaster thesis (cf. Teschner, 2006) which has proven a useful66 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesapproach andwas adopted here as well).The structure of both code lists is similar: start-ing out with a rather broad category (religion, spirituality, and worldview (RSW) in Fig-ure 5, or causal-motivational coherence (CAMOCO) in Figure 6)which are split up in sub-categories (like, for RSW, practices of faith and social embeddedness).The last columnsof the figures show the characterization of these sub-categories, the more specific, de-tail-oriented codes that are directly applied in the interviewmaterial.Figure 5: Content Code List (excerpt)Thecodingguideline in its current formwasapplied to all the interviews in this study.I went through the interviews and coded everything that seemed notable, both for thenarrative and the content code list, applying the characterizations of the codes and sub-codes. Often, there would be more than one code fitting to describe a statement, andsometimes it was even mandatory to apply more than one code in order to capture thestatement in its entirety. Through this process, the extensive material was made moreaccessible and the codings tentatively showed prominent themes, emerging or decliningemphases in theparticipants’ interviews,andgave a glimpse into theway they structuredtheir speech and how they made their points by argumentation strategies. On a singlecase basis, this allowed me to determine which topics needed to go into the case studyand which were negligible. I was able to attend to the particularities of each case whilestill being aware of my superordinate research questions. To achieve an even flow of the4. Methods 67text, I do not use the bulky codes in the case studies but base my analysis on the codingsdone in ATLAS.ti.Figure 6: Narrative Code List (excerpt)Themethodical frame for this procedure could best be described as qualitative con-tent analysis (Kuckartz, 2019;Hsieh&Shannon,2005; Schreier et al., 2019).While inGer-many,Mayring’s approach of coding qualitative datawith explicit categories to put to usein statistical analyses in a next stepmay be one of themost prominent ones (cf.Mayring,2015), qualitative content analysis encompasses a variety of different approaches. Theway I want to apply it here, I aim at assessing the main themes and important contentof each interview, thus arriving at a “subjective interpretation of the content of text datathrough the systematic classification process of coding and identifying themes and pat-terns” (Hsieh & Shannon, 2005, p. 1278). Andwhile parts of the coding guidelines imple-ment and test existing categories (from multiple disciplines, such as psychology, soci-ology, and linguistics), the greatest merit is gained from its open approach to the data(achieved by a cooperation of researchers from more than one discipline), which allowsnew topics to emerge from the data itself. The coding process demands interpretation68 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesand a carefully documented proceeding. Here, I use the coding guideline for the assess-ment of the single cases and their longitudinal development.4.3 Inclusion of Selected Scales Based on the QuestionnairesWith the aim to portray the individual participants against the background of a broadersample—samples that were meant to provide the specific focus groups under investiga-tion with a comprehensive background portrayal—the Bielefeld-Chattanooga researchteam has always implemented in their research design an extensive survey for questionsincluding demographic inquiries, but also scales that are widely used and validated indiverse fields of psychology and beyond. This also serves the purpose of engaging withthe broader field of developmental and personality psychology.6 My study has a muchsmaller sample and amuch smaller scope. It does not have the ambition to draw conclu-sions on a broad quantitative level.However, I found the inclusion of selected scales to beelementary for the multi-faceted interpretation of my cases through the expectation ofgetting a different view on the participants.The way they assess their personality (NEO-FFI) should shed some light on whether they see themselves as open and agreeable, andwhether this self-assessment resonates with my findings from the content analysis.Theself-assessment of eudaimonic well-being (Ryff Scale on Psychological Well-Being) hasbeen found to be related to deconversion (cf. Streib et al., 2009) and can add another layeron the way the participants present themselves. Do they see their lives as meaningful,how do they perceive relations with other people, etc.?The Religious Schema Scale (RSS)allows for a better understanding of the participants’ religiosity and their approach to-ward the strange, both of which seem interesting in the light of my research questions.This approach allowed for a comparison of cases on a more general level and with a dif-ferent instrument—a survey instead of an extensive interview. In the case studies, thescores of the single case are mapped against the background of the scores for the wholesample.The scales I chose to include constitute but a part of the larger battery of psycho-metric scales and instruments that were used in the course of the studies.The selectionpresented here seems a good approximation to the question of howpersonality andwell-being change on the level of self-reported survey data and how those results relate to thefindings from the narrative analysis, since they may shed light on parts of my partici-pants’ identity that are not always revealed directly in the interviews. In any case, thescores on these scales will help enhance the picture that is drawn in the interviews.The scales I will draw onto for the triangulation of data in the conclusions of the re-spective case studies are the following:4.3.1 Religious Schema Scale (RSS)This scale, which was developed by Streib and colleagues (Streib et al., 2010; Streib &Klein, 2014), is based on themodel of religious styles that has been introduced above.Thescale introduces three different schemata which are said to be part of a dynamic fieldand interact with each other in different ways (cf. Streib et al., 2010, p. 155).Those threeschemata are truth of texts and teachings (ttt), fairness, tolerance, and rational choice (ftr), and4. Methods 69xenosophia/interreligious dialog (xenos).The subscale ttt is conceptualized to assess aworld-view that is guidedby thebelief that the texts of one’s ownreligionare tobe taken literally,the religion and its dogmas being the absolute and unquestioned truth, in other words:an ethnocentric approach. A person high on ttt would show high agreementwith a state-ment such as “What the texts and stories of my religion tell me is absolutely true andmust not be changed.”The second schema, ftr, is pointing in the opposite direction andfavors justice and fairness over the exclusivist viewdisplayedby ttt.A sample item for thissubscale is “It is important to understand others through a sympathetic understandingof their culture and religion.” Lastly, xenos is characterized by intellectual curiosity andthe willingness to engage with the strange, a sample item being, “The truth I see in otherworldviews leads me to reexamine my current views.” And while xenos was found to beassociated strongest with self-rated spirituality, ttt was highest in people who identifiedas religious and was predicting anti-Islamic prejudice (Streib & Klein, 2014), whereas ftrmight play a bigger role in an atheist/nontheistworldview.Although this associationwasnot found to be that strong (Streib et al., 2016), both ftr and xenos seem to be associatedwith reduced prejudice. Furthermore, low scores on ttt predict faith development, i.e.a movement upward to a higher type (Streib, et al., 2021). For my sample and as an ex-emplification of the above-mentioned interaction between the schemata, the look at tttand xenos seems plausible in determining the extent the religiosity of my participantscan tentatively be characterized as dogmatic and to explore how they approach the newand strange, andwhether or not a high religiosity (with high ttt scores) can go alongwithhigh score on xenos and therefore an appreciation of the (religious) other.4.3.2 Ryff Scales on Psychological Well-Being (Ryff Scale)This scale measures different dimensions of subjective, or more precisely, eudaimonicwell-being promoting positive adult development and serves the purpose in adding tothe impressions gained from the interview with regard to the participants’ self-presen-tation.The dimensions found by Ryff and colleagues (Ryff, 1989; Ryff & Keyes, 1995) are:autonomy (the extent to which a person acts independently), environmental mastery (howwell they interact with the world around them), personal growth (developing one’s poten-tial), positive relations with others (including empathy and the ability to establish and keepup meaningful relationships), purpose in life (directedness and intentionality), and self-acceptance (which measures to what extent a person holds a positive image of self). Pre-vious research has shown environmental mastery, positive relations with others, purpose in life,and self-acceptance to be lower for people who left their religious tradition (at least in Ger-many),whichmight be interpreted as “signs of a loss or a crisis” (Streib et al., 2009,p. 81),with some of those scores staying low at the second point ofmeasurement,while others,suchaspurpose in life, showsome improvement,which indicates a regainingofmeaningover the years (see Streib andKeller (2022) for an overview of the quantitative data for thesecond wave of the longitudinal project). The longitudinal development of the differentdimensions of eudaimonic well-being seems to be an interesting aspect when looking athow narrative identity changes in the course of the adult lifespan.70 Leitmotifs in Life Stories4.3.3 NEO Five-Factor-Inventory (NEO-FFI)I include the NEO-FFI scores of my participants to get an idea of more general person-ality traits which are assessed here, following Costa and McCrae (1985/1992), with fivedifferent characteristics that have been termed “The Big Five” of personality psychology:neuroticism (which is presented here in its reversed version as emotional stability; this sub-scalemeasures irritability, emotional robustness, etc.), extraversion (investigating the ex-tent to which a person feels comfortable in social situations and in interaction with oth-ers), openness to experience (assessing the willingness to seek new and strange situations,explore new ideas, etc.), conscientiousness (attending to the degree of organization andcommitment), and agreeableness (relating to altruism and the willingness to engage withothers in a benevolent way). Openness to experience has, in the research line of the Biele-feld/Chattanooga team, proven to be correlated with xenosophia (Streib & Klein, 2014)and suitable for mapping versions of spirituality (Streib, et al., 2016). Openness to expe-rience has demonstrated its utility in being a predictor for deconversion (Streib et al.,2009) and the development of higher religious types (Streib & Keller, 2022). Keeping aneye on the development on these subscales accordingly seems appropriate for portrayingchange in religiosity over the adult lifespan.All of those scales contribute to the idea of portraying the single case from as manyperspectives as possible. Filling out a survey yields different results than a comprehen-sive interview, and taken together, it can be expected that the picture to be painted gainsadditional layers.4.4 Triangulation of Longitudinal Data—Putting it All TogetherFigure 7: TriangulatingMethods4. Methods 71With these differentmethods and detailed research questions described above, I stillhave a huge amount of data that needs to be put together and reasonably related to eachother in a final step. In Figure 7, I show the methods used in this study.As can be seen here, the major part of my study engages the qualitative data and thedifferent approaches I took to analyze them.Thefigure also shows the differentmethodsof relating these data, a process which is labeled as triangulation (Flick, 2018). Adopt-ing the term from geodesy which describes the practice of looking at a specific objector point in a landscape from different angles with the aim to describe it as differenti-ated and as exact as possible, the concept was introduced into qualitative research inthe 1970s by the work of Denzin (1970/2017). Biography research has a long research tra-dition in combining different methods as well as a multi-perspective view on the topicachieved through the collaboration of research groupswith different backgrounds (Alber& Schiebel, 2018). I apply triangulation on different levels, following Flick’s elaborationson triangulating data as it has been introduced by Steppacher and colleagues for the datafrom the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research (Steppacher et al., 2024; Flick, 2018). First andforemost, my design includes the within-methods triangulation of narrative and con-tent analysis, enrichedwithfindings fromthe structural evaluation also derived from thequalitativedata,whichcouldbecalledabetween-methodsqualitative triangulationsincethe approaches applied for content/narrative and structural analysis are rather dissimi-lar yet refer to the same kind of data. A between-methods/mixed-methods triangulationis exploratively appliedwhen the quantitative data from selected scales of the surveys areconsidered as well. That way, more general personality traits and assessments of well-being and religiosity are combined with the subjective accounts individuals give in theirinterviews. As has been laid out by Keller (2020) in detail, this combination of methodsallows for a differentiated look on the subject—in this case: religious development—andovercomes the binary of nomothetic and idiographic.Nomothetic approaches tend to fo-cus on regularities and look for similarities between individuals,whereas an idiographicfocus tries to “explain the lawfulness of the individual caseholistically, focusingon the in-ner organization of the case, and often, although not always, by looking at the particularand unique” (Schachter & Ben Hur, 2019, p. 291). The approach described by Keller andapplied here could best be described with Lamiell’s neologism “idiothetic” (2019; 1981),aiming at describing each case in its individual particularities (thus, attending to it id-iographically), while providing a comparisonwith the bigger (however, still rather small,and not representative, in my study here) sample to account for similarities and dispar-ities.The complexity of this analytical procedure is multiplied by the fact that thematerialunder investigation here is longitudinal and thus the aim is to portray a development ondifferent levels.Figure8 shows thisprinciple, illustratedwith twopoints ofmeasurementonly to keep the figure readable.The concept of double diachronicity can best be defined as follows:In our interpretations, we distinguish between change as reported and change asobserved. Change as reported is based on our respondents’ subjective reconstruc-tions of their (religious) lives and accounts of development, resulting in the singlediachronicity of individual biographies. Change as observed is based on following72 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesthese biographical reconstructions and accounts across time, resulting in the addi-tional diachronic perspective of tracing changes of these accounts and reconstruc-tions. (Keller et al., 2022)Figure 8: Double Diachronicity (slightly adapted fromKeller et al., 2022)The subjective reconstruction of the individual biography is analyzed for each time-point, using the narrative and the content code list and taking into account the resultsfrom the structural evaluation, i.e. the religious styles and types. The narrative identityof each timepoint is operationalized and then enriched with the survey data. In a nextstep, the findings from each timepoint can be compared, assessing changes as well asstabilities and arriving at the outlining the individual’s development over the course of asignificant portion of their respective adult lives.Thenext sectionwill describe the struc-ture I developed to include all the methods described above to get the most out of eachcase.4.5 Structure of the Case StudiesLife stories are complex, and talking about one’s relationships, values, and beliefs as in-vited by the FDI questions is a very individual process. To account for this, while at thesame time keeping the analyses comparable, the case studies will generally follow the ar-eas of the FDI (life review, relationships, values and commitments, religion and world-view). However, this process reserves the option to merge two areas when they are con-nected closely in the autobiographical account (and, in some instances, neglect certainareaswhen theydonot seemtocontribute to theunderstandingof the case).Theperspec-tive of double diachronicity (see section 4.4) will accordingly be applied to those smallerportions of the accounts.The aim is to show how the reconstruction of the participants’4. Methods 73own lives has changed over the lifespan under examination here and how this is con-nectedwith a different perception of themselves or a shifted focus onwhat are importantvalues.All of the 59 participants in this study have been interviewed with the FDI at threetimepoints. As has been mentioned above, those who have first participated in the De-conversion Study (Streib et al., 2009) and were back then interviewed as focus people,i.e. as people who have left a religious tradition, also took part in a narrative interview inwhich theywere asked to lay out their deconversion story in asmuchdetail as theywishedto, without any restraints by an interview guideline, and with only minimal interven-tion by the interviewer. Narrative interviews were conducted with Carola, Gudrun, andWerner7.The sections of the case studies will present and analyze interview quotes fromall three timepoints, allowing to trace changes, stabilities, and developments in the waylife stories are told and how people speak about moral questions, etc. For the case stud-ies involving couples, I have embedded a section in which I compare the way the couplestalk about their respective partner and their marriage to assess meaningful differencesin this regard.The section dealing with subjective religiosity touches on one focus of my researchquestions, and it contains a special feature that has not been implied in this form in othercase studies of the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research group in the form of a table showingdata fromdifferent resources which all assess in a different way the subjective religiosity(or worldview) of a person:Table 3: Data for Subjective Religiosity/Worldviewwave 1 wave 2 wave 3spirituality: spirituality: spirituality:free entriesreligion: religion: religion:self-assessmentanswer to Q20: Do you consider yourselfa religious, spiritual, or faithful person?• free entries: As part of the extensive survey, the participantswere asked, starting in theSpirituality Project (Streib &Hood, 2016): “Howwould you define the term religion?”and “Howwould you define the term spirituality?”These short subjective definitionsgive a first insight into what these termsmean to them,without necessarily tappinginto very personal experiences or beliefs.• self -assessment:Here, the question from the survey “Do you consider yourself morereligious ormore spiritual”—whichhas guided the selectionprocess for the cases—istaken up again.• answer to Q20: The question number 20 of the FDI “Do you consider yourself a reli-gious, spiritual, or faithful person? Or would you prefer another description? Whatdoes it mean to you?” explores the way the person prefers to describe their take on74 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesthe self-assessment as religious or other. Here, it is possible to go into detail regard-ing one’s identity as a religious or spiritual person, which usually leads to a nuanceddescription.The table shows all the data assembled per wave. An interpretation for each wave is un-dertaken separately. I want tomake sure that each wave’s particularities are assessed in-dividually and in response to different methods before turning to any observations con-cerning development following these analyses. Additionally, the answers to the question“How has your worldview/image of God changed across your life’s chapters?” are ana-lyzed to line out changes happening and aligning themwith the findings of the analysesof the data in the table. Where it seems fitting, scores from the Representation of GodScale (Johnson et al., 2019), which was part of the wave 3 survey, are taken into consider-ation as well.With these different data combined, I hope to assess the different facets ofa person’s religiosity and the way it changes over time.Each case study is wrapped up with the triangulation of the data available (aggre-gated with the different methods laid out above). The results of the structural analysisaccording to the Manual and selected results from the survey are presented to provideadditional information that was not captured by the detailed content and narrative anal-ysis. It will be elaborated how the assignments of styles and types correspond with whathas been found out by analyzing the content of the interviews. Inversely, the results fromthe content analysis canhelp tobetterunderstand themodel of types.With the lookat thesurvey data, a broader view is achieved since they allow for a comparison with the wholesample and shed light on the spots where the participants’ self-assessment differs fromthe sample in meaningful ways.That way, I can give a multi-faceted report on each par-ticipant’s narrative (religious) identity and theway it changes over time.The case studiesare sorted here with regard to age, starting with the youngest participants, Bianca andJannis, and ending with the three eldest, Gudrun,Werner, and Marion. A final synopsiswill take the results from the single cases and the in-between comparisons of the coupleson an inter-individual level and line out possibilities for comparisons that go beyond thesingle trajectory and toward a deeper understanding of people’s religious and non-reli-gious development and the evolvement of narrative identity over time.Notes1 Es ging in der Tat nicht darum, eine Meinungsumfrage zu machen, wozu eineBefragung im großen Maßstab notwendig gewesen wäre, sondern die Antwortenüber längere Zeit hin zu bearbeiten, um die Wäsche „zum Sprechen zu bringen“.[...] Wie in einer polizeilichen Untersuchung waren die geringsten Anzeichen fürdas Vorhandensein verborgener Ideen und Gesten zu beachten. Dabei musstebesonders den Widersprüchen zwischen den verschiedenen Aussagen besondereAufmerksamkeit geschenkt werden, um die hinter der anscheinend einheitlichenFassade wirksame soziale Logik und die soziale Fragmentierung der Individuenhinter ihrer vordergründigen psychologischen Einheit zu identifizieren und die4. Methods 75einzelnen Fragmente als Elemente der Paarbeziehung zu isolieren und festzustel-len, welchen Platz sie darin einnahmen.2 Note that, in the Deconversion Study, the interviewees of the focus group, i.e. thedeconverts, were invited to conduct a narrative interview before the FDI in whichthey were asked to elaborate on how they came to be in the religious group theylater left and how that leaving process took place. Accordingly, some of my partic-ipants have had four interviews already (the first FDI and the narrative interviewhappening at the same timepoint) and I will tag the respective interview format forclarification when necessary.3 We tried to interviewasmanyparticipants face to face as possible.However, restric-tions in time and budgetmade it necessary to conduct some interviews by phone orvideo call. Some participants even preferred these methods for various reasons.4 As the interviews I use here are part of the large interview pool of the Bielefeld/Chattanooga research team, I naturally did not conductmost of the interviewsmy-self.5 See Appendix for a comprehensive list.6 It should be noted again that the samples are not representative. The samplingstrategies were based on conceptual considerations with regard to the qualitativeresearch questions. Therefore, the informative value is limited with regard to thetotal population.7 Since those narrative interviews took place right before the FDI, the first FDI ques-tion asking for a life review (but potentially other questions as well) may lack de-tailedness since those parts of the life story had been related in the narrative inter-viewalready. In these cases, I refer to quotes from thenarrative interviews,markingthem accordingly.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couplein the Family PhaseBianca and Jannis are a married couple who have both been brought up in the Catholicfaith,Bianca inGermany, Jannis in a country in theMiddleEast as part of one of the threelargest religious groups in that country.They met at a timepoint when Jannis was alien-ated from his faith and went on a pilgrimage, mainly to do his mother a favor. Duringthis pilgrimage, Jannis not only found back to his “old” faith but alsomet his future wife,and itwill be detailed below that these twoexperiences remain closely connected for him.Bianca, on the other hand, has a constant foundation in her faith, which was never se-riously challenged. Bianca and Jannis’s relationship seems to be centered around theirjoint faith, and their religious practice is an important part of their family life. At time1, they have just had their first child, and their family has grown to include two morechildren by time 3, their first-born being a teenager by then.5.1 Bianca—Negotiating Catholic Faith Within a Secular Society“[The people at school] asked me [aboutthe Pope] and it unnerved me to say, ‘Ibelieve it and I back it, but I can’t explainit.’ I did not like that, and that’s why I duginto it.”1Bianca is a young woman of 23 years when she is first interviewed in 2004. Her otherinterviews took place in 2013 and 2018,making her 37 years old at time 3. She was raisedin a Catholic family and has never left or seriously doubted her faith, even though shereports being somewhat skeptical during puberty. Bianca is an example for a relativelyyoung person without any experience of disaffiliation in her biography. Her interviewsdo not contain a lot biographical information, but she is very outspoken about her faith.In the questionnaire, she has identified as being “equally religious and spiritual” at wave1 and 3, while preferring the item “more religious than spiritual” at wave 2.78 Leitmotifs in Life Stories5.1.1 Bianca’s Life Reviews—Being Faithful during PubertyBianca’s answers to the first question of the FDI are rather short, she seems uncertain atall time pointswith how to react to the task to divide her own life into chapters and refersto a normative structure containing childhood, adolescence, and family life:Well, I guess you could divide it. For example childhood, adolescence, (laughing) be-ing an adult, perhaps. And yes, important events were certainly (laughing) puberty.That’s when (laughs) you go through the process of building your own opinion. And(quietly) yes. Perhaps personal experiences of how the family changes when some-one has died or a new one is born, something like that.2 (Bianca, FDI, time 1)Puberty seems toplaya certain role in thisfirst attemptatdescribingher life,even thoughher statement sounds more generic than very personal. The reference to the topos of“adolescent rebellion” is clear, though, and the interviewer is expected to understand theimplications that go along with the word “puberty” without needing much further ex-plication (and by laughing while saying this, Bianca tries to create a common ground,establishing a shared knowledge and amutual understanding).This reference to a devel-opmental status serves as an autobiographical argument (cf. Köber et al., 2018). She goesinto further detail as to what this rebellious phase meant in her case when asked abouthow her image of God has changed over time:And then… yes, then I reached (laughing) puberty, and then I started seriously think-ing about things. I had other influences in school, people who did not believe any-thing or differently. So, you had to argue with the whole topic more strongly. Andthen there also was a time when I sort of fell from faith. Because somehow, I didnot fancy going to church on Sunday anymore, because I wanted to sleep in andbe left in peace.3 (Bianca, FDI, time 1)This episode of her life is presented as something disrupting the routine, which is theroutine of a faithful life in her case. She questions the beliefs she grew up with that wereinitiated by her peer group who was rather heterogeneous. It remains unclear whethershe sees that as a bad influence or as an opportunity to reflect and to widen her horizonby discussing it with others and get a better access to her own faith and be more awareof what she believes. In any case, she reports that there was a short period in that timewhere she claims to have turned away from faith, even though it does not become clear ifshe actually stopped believing or if it was the religious practice (and getting up early) thatlost its appeal for a time. Regular visits to a pilgrimage site help her regain her beliefs.In her second interview, the answer to the first question is pretty similar as at time 1:Well, for example, I might say: childhood, adolescence, yes, adulthood. Or rather,since I’m married, perhaps something like marriage and family or something likethat, you know? [I: What marker events stand out as important?] Yes, well, duringchildhood there were lots of important events. For example, celebrations, or whensome relative died or something like that. And then during adolescence, yes, surely,cutting oneself off from the parents or graduating or the vocational training. Then5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 79of course the wedding and … we have children, you know, so, the births. Somethinglike that, you know.4 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)By elucidating her answer after starting by naming common developmental milestonesagain, she alters the landmark “adulthood” to better fit her personal circumstances ofa married woman with children. Adolescence is marked here as the time when she grewmore independent fromherparents.But in a later part of her interview,whenaskedwhatgroups, institutions, and causes are important to her, she elaborates on howpubertywasalso the time of seeing her own faith challenged:Of course, the ideas and concepts of the Church and the Pope are interesting forme. Also, to question all that, and that’s what I always did. Especially when I was16, 17, 18, when you want to make your own experiences. Until then, I have alwaysfollowed the path of faith and the Church and so on and at some point, you askyourself, like, “The Pope is a clever man, why would he be against the pill andcondoms and all that?” And I kept that, I still question things like that. If you wantto take part in the discussion, you have to do the reading yourself, stuff like that.And why is that important for me? Yes, because I want to teach that to my children,basically, you know, […] because for me that’s a center of my life and I get a lot ofstrength from it and therefore, you know?5 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)Here she portrays herself as a reflective person who does not blindly believe what is dic-tated by the Church or other authorities. However, neither does she say where she gother alternative information from nor from what conclusions she draws from them.Thequestion why the Pope is in opposition to contraceptives remains unanswered in the in-terview.But the concept of thinking for herself is important and something shewants toteach to her children as well since her first child was still very young at that time whichis a wish that was not as present at time 1 for obvious reasons. From that passage, it canbe gathered that believing and being part of the Catholic Church is a conscious decisionfor Bianca and is a decision she renews all the time.At time 3, her elaborations on her life review are more extensive, albeit only afterfurther inquiries by the interviewer:Um, I guess, first, childhood, adolescence, adulthood. Then perhaps marriage andfamily. [I: What criteria made you choose those sections?] Well. (smiles) I believethat’s like … normal, like, when you divide a life, that you … I don’t know, that’sjust what I thought of first. […] [I: Could you elaborate on the respective phases?]Childhood, that’s when you’re a child yourself and learn a lot by your parents, bythe social surroundings, by own experiences. You grow and explore the world foryourself. And, yes, I think that changes with puberty, that’s when you start beingadolescent, then adult, and you get to know life in a different way. Perhaps throughschool, through friends, through first relationships or your job, vocational training,something like that. And then adulthood, yes, you go to work, you marry perhaps, oryou don’t. (smiles) When you have children, that’s a totally different impact. [I: Andyou would find your own life course—yeah, this just sounded a bit like a normativelife course—you would find yourself within this?] Basically, yes. Like, my life has80 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesbeen pretty much according to that norm (smiles). Although, some might say, youknow, when you’ve been married for a certain time, which is not that common thesedays, (laughs) […]. A lot of people will say, “What? Really? For so long with the sameguy?” Sadly, that’s not common today anymore, you know.6 (Bianca, FDI, time 3)It is striking here, and in the other answers as well, that Bianca rarely says “I” in theseelaborations on her, or rather: an assumed normative, life review (which is what led me,being the interviewer of that third interview, to the provocative last supplementary ques-tion). Bianca sticks to the idea that themilestones she has learned are “normal” and onlyreluctantly gives insights into what that may mean for her and her own life. The topicshe picks for making a point about her own norm is her marriage. She clearly sees a dis-crepancy here between what she might consider the norm and what other people think.Being married for so long—and at such a relatively young age—strikes her surround-ings as odd, which makes her realize that she is somehow different, but she seems to berather proud of deviating from others’ expectations in that respect.This may have to dowith her self-perception as a Catholic woman andmay even be connected with what shetells about her worldview being challenged when she was a teenager:I was raised Catholic, my parents practiced that with us a lot. And I started ques-tioning that during puberty, because I was like, somehow I know that what theybelieve is right. But I don’t want to believe that just because they do, but because Ifor myself wanted to know, what is the reason why I believe it, you know. I wantedto decide that for myself and not just because I had learned it that way.7 (Bianca,FDI, time 3)While her parents in this quote do serve as rolemodels up to a certain point,Bianca againportrays herself as reflective and thinking for herself. It is hard to say whether what shedescribes here could be classified as intellectual doubt (which, according to Streib andcolleagues (2009) is one criterion that can lead to deconversion) because she remainsvague about the actual process. But it is noteworthy all the same that she mentions thisprocess of critical questioning again. However, neither at time 2 nor at time 3 does shementioning “falling from faith” again as she did at time 1. When asked to elaborate onthat time during puberty, she tells something that can be declared as her religious iden-tity narrative (according to Keller et al., 2016a).The narrative possibly is an iterative one,i.e. most likely a culminated version of different events.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 81Table 4: Bianca’s Narrative: “Getting her own Faith Straight”Orientation At school theyused to callmeahyper-Catholic. (laughs) Because they knew that Iwasfaithful and live that way. And this didn’t botherme really, because I hadmy friendsanywaywho accepted that, you know.Complication But, yes, there were a lot of people at school who couldn’t relate to that at all, andtheyused to teasemeand challengeme.Andmaybe thatwaswhat gave the impetus.Because they used to approachme and be like, you know, the usual topics, Pope, pilland condoms and all this stuff concerning contraception. That’s what they do duringpuberty (smiles), you know, because that’s exciting at that age. Well, and I used towonder, I knew that it’s like that in the Church, but I did not understand it, you know.I always thought, the Pope is an educatedman, right? How can he say something likethat in the present time?Evaluation And then I just started to deal with all of this. I started readingmore concerning thistopic, why he’s saying those things. And it convincedme.Resolution Forme, I could just accept it like that.Coda […] They asked me and it unnerved me to say, “I believe it and I back it, but I can’texplain it.” I did not like that, and that’s why I dug into it.8 (Bianca, FDI, time 3)Already in the orientation, shemakes clear that she had an outsider position becauseof her religion, a fact that is underlined by the appearance of her account as an iterativenarrative. At the same time, she states she was not bothered by this, since she still had agroup of peoplewho accepted her forwhat shewas.This is significant for her overall self-portrayal: she is aware that her faith (and her long-term marriage) is “out of the usual,”but she is self-reliant enough to not be disturbed by that. Yet, being challenged by herpeers regarding the content of her faith and the proclamations of theChurch she belongstoaremarkedasa complication.Themescirclingaround thePopeandhis attitude towardcontraceptionwerementioned as problematic in her second interview already, but thosearose in that interview rather as questions she asks herself (see above).Here, in the thirdinterview, the context is constructed differently: The challenge comes from the outsideand from her peers, which was not the case in her time 2 account. However, she decidesto accept that challenge and starts reading about why the Pope has those strict attitudes,despite being an educatedman and living in the present time. She does not elaborate onwhat actually convinced her, but obviously the justification she read was strong enoughto lead her to the conclusion that she can still support the Pope’s stance toward contra-ception. It is remarkable that she says, “it convinced me,” and “I could just accept it likethat.” Even though the challenge comes from the outside, she is content with just beingconvinced for herself, and she does not feel the need to convince the others. Therefore,her coda sumsupwell howshe claims to approach faith. It is important for her to lookbe-hind the façade and not just believe blindly.The situation during puberty was the initialimpulse, but she has kept that conviction ever since. In that self-image, she has becomemore self-assured over the years, which can be seen by comparing her answers from thedifferent timepoints. She is more aware of what she is and can face challenges from theoutside with serenity. It therefore seems plausible to assume that Bianca constructs her82 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessocial surroundings according to an in-group/out-group schema with all her importantrelationships being part of the in-group and sharing her faith.5.1.2 Bianca’s Relationship with Jannis and Their ChildrenThe Marriage from Bianca’s PerspectiveTo approach Bianca’s reconstruction of her own biography from a different angle, it isinteresting to take a look at the way she talks about important relationships. Unfortu-nately, she does not provide many details about her relationship with her husband. Attime 1, when asked how she makes important decisions, she says:Well, now that I’m married, first I talk to my husband. What he thinks about it,what he would do and what he would advise. And, yes, then I sit down and talkto him. And then we see what are the pros and the cons.9 (Bianca, FDI, time 1)It becomes clear here that “beingmarried” is still a rathernewconcept forBianca,and shestill has to acclimate to speaking about her husband and their relationship. At this point,she describes her husband as the person she goes to to discuss an important decision andwho provides the opportunity to reflect.In her time 2 interview, an interesting passage that deals with marriage, albeit on amore abstract level, can be found when she is asked about whether our lives are guidedby a higher power or if there is a greater plan behind everything:I do believe that we have a great freedom to make our own decisions and that…You know, there’s the saying, “Every pot finds its lid,” and… how do I know that thepartner I have is the right one? And someone once said, “At that moment when youmarry in church, before God, when you make that promise, […] that is the right onefor you. Because you made that decision.” And your own will plays a great role andGod does not just say, “There you go. That’s the right one for you and if you don’tfind that person, tough luck.” But instead, our decisions are considered as well. AndGod acknowledges if we stand by that, you know. […] Once I make a decision forthat one man before God, he becomes the right one for me. God gives his blessings,when I make that decision and say yes, God says yes as well.10 (Bianca, FDI, time2)Here, Bianca tries to balance her belief in a free will with her strong belief and trust in aleading, benevolent God. Referring to an unnamed authority (“someone once said”), sheunfolds the theory that if you choose a partner and decide tomarry him before God,Godwill acknowledge andendorse this personand the relationship.Thatbeing said, choosingher husband was her own choice, which was (later) legalized by a marriage in church. Itis implied that this choice is irrevocable, since the partner wasmarked as “the right one,”which obviously does not exist in plural. Despite a form of openness that is displayedhere, her concept is rather absolute. And it can be stated that this stance has manifestedmore clearly and has become a universal desirability in the ten years that lie between thefirst and the second interview.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 83She gives more personal insight into what could be called relationship work at time3, when she is asked about important relationships, with a follow-up questions askingspecifically about her husband:At best, that’s also a good friendship, you know, between spouses. Yes, I would saythat we try to cultivate mutual interests, that you do something together in themidst of the day-to-day stress. That you take time for each other and have thoselittle moments when it’s only the two of you, without the kids […]. That you remainin contact and are open and honest. Like, yes, just maintaining the relationship sothat it doesn’t wither or that you don’t grow apart.11 (Bianca, FDI, time 3)At this time point, she has beenmarried formore than 15 years and can now report whatit takes to keep a relationship alive in her eyes. In this paragraph, it becomes clear that amarriage iswork and it takes an effort fromboth partners, but it seems to be implied thatshe is quite content with what she has, knowing that thismay not be the norm.This con-tinues her self-portrayal as a person who sticks to her beliefs and commitments, whichshe thinks could and should be the norm, but are nowadays rather seen as an exception.As for her development, these three passages showhowher concept of “marriage”hasbeen refined over the years, how she is more comfortable to talk about her marriage attime 3 and perhapsmore able to do so. In this interview, the absolutenesswe see at time 2cannot be foundagain.Rather, theway shedescribes an idealmarriage is a pragmatic ap-proach,which is without any reference to a transcendence but with a view that is shapedby long years of experience and presumably accompanied bymore self-confidence at age37 than she had when she was 23.Bianca and her Children—Growing Generativity?Over the years, her children comemore into focus,which is to be expected, since her firstchild was still very young at time 1. At time 3, she has three children, the eldest being ateenager. Her elaborations at time 1 regarding the question what makes her life mean-ingful are still rather theoretical, since the first child is still a baby:I think my family definitely makes my life meaningful, my own family as well rightnow, my child. So, that’s the obvious meaning (laughs), I would say, to be there foryour child, for your husband and take care that the child is raised well.12 (Bianca,FDI, time 1)Being there for and taking care of her own little family (which includes not only the babybut also her husband) has come into focus for her and is currently defining her lifemean-ing. She gives a little more detail on how she wants to raise her child when asked aboutvalues and commitments:So, commitments, maybe toward my family and my child. And I intend to teach himthose values like I experience them. And I want to raise him in a way that enableshim to find his own way. And I think I also want to raise him within the faith,like, take him to church, until he starts to question things for himself. Because Ithink that’s important, I don’t like it when you just copy everything 100% from your84 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesparents. I believe you have to form your own views, because otherwise it doesn’tmake sense, otherwise it will all collapse at one point, if you don’t question thingsyourself and then you’ll stand there and be like, oh well.13 (Bianca, FDI, time 1)Bianca’s understanding of generativity and of how to raise her child is closely connectedwith her own faith. Her plan is to raise her son in her faith, but from her own biographyshe also deducts how important it is to not simply take one’s parents’ faith for grantedbut to ask questions and find your own way. Without that process of questioning shebelieves, “everything” will collapse sooner or later, probably implying that the chance offalling from faith is greater when there is no reflective moment in your biography. As ithappens, that same son is about 15 when she is interviewed for the third time, and at thesame point that she talked about in the quote above. When she is asked for crises, shesays the following:Our eldest son is in the middle of puberty right now (laughs). I guess that countsas a crisis. (laughs) No, well, he has some issues, and we collide here and there.And I have to grant him that, since he is now in this phase that he wants to getthings clear for himself, you know. Cut the cord and question things, like I did aswell when I was his age. So, I cannot accuse him of doing that now. (smiles) Butanyway he’s more extreme than I was and you have to learn to deal with that, youknow. He’s a boy, that’s probably different than with a girl, I think. And yes, thething is, I’m immediately enraged emotionally and sometimes I don’t succeed ingiving myself space, retreating or something like that. Instead, I’m somehow, like,in the midst of it. (smiles) And I have to learn to deal with that, you know.14 (Bianca,FDI, time 3)These two quotes encapsulate how Bianca’s theory of how to raise her children at time 1has in themeantime been put under a practical test. Her eldest’s puberty is described asa crisis, albeit by laughingwhile she says it, and she indicates that shemasters this situa-tionwith a sense of humor (and this littlemoment also serves the purpose of reaffirminga commonground,or amomentumof solidarity,withmyself as the interviewer by know-ing that I am a mother as well). But there is probably a reason why this situation comesto hermindwhen the “crises” question is asked.Her son is beginning to question things,but what kind of questions is not elaborated here. It can be deducted, since she says “likeI did as well when I was his age,” that the conflicts are circling around topics of faith aswell. She concedes that this questioning is a normal process and generally somethingshe approves of, but in the case of her son, this is more extreme than she would wishit to be and is a fact that is at least partly attributed to his gender. But the main pointis that she cannot adequately deal with her son’s behavior and reacts more impulsivelythan she actually feels comfortable with, and Bianca is rather self-critical about this. In-directly, she sketches an educative ideal (which would presumably consist in beingmorepatient and understanding) that she does not live up to,which she sees as a learning goalfor herself. This realization about herself is interesting to observe because it lines out adevelopment from being a youngmother with theoretical ideas of how to raise her childto an experienced mother who still holds ideals but can grant herself being human andflawed at times all the same. Like with her marriage, her elaborations become less ab-5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 85stract and less dogmatic over time,making way for amore praxis-oriented approach. Ascan be seen here, her faith plays a big role in all parts of Bianca’s life.The next sectionwillgo into more detail regarding the question how this faith influences her values and hermoral stance.5.1.3 Bianca’s Faith and her Approach to Questions of MoralityBianca’s Subjective ReligiosityTo get a more structured view into the way Bianca’s faith, or her subjective religiosity,has developed over time, I present here the table containing various data circling aroundthat topic, from both the survey and the interview at three timepoints.Wave 1: At wave 1, it seems important for Bianca to emphasize the Catholic traditionshe comes from, making it clear that being a member of this church for her goes alongwith certain obligations as well. Living her faith as a community practice (by attendingmass, for example) is as important forher as the ideaofChristiancharity.Helping friendsin need by being there for them and by praying for them is the way she lives up to thisideal. Being spiritual does not seem to be in her focus at all, neither in a positive or anegative manner, even though in the survey, she has indicated to be “equally religiousand spiritual.”What is interesting to see here is that she obviously believes that a personneeds to get in contact with God first by praying, and only then God will take action andlead the way.Thismay hint to an appreciation of the concept of free will by implying thatGod will only then take the lead when He is asked to do so.Wave 2: Her definition of the term “spirituality” indicates that being spiritual may bea part of her belief system, since directly experiencing the transcendence is somethingthat is in the range of her own experiences (see below) andnot something that she frownsupon. The transcendence, however, in her case definitely is God and her definition ex-cludes other forms of transcendental experiences. Interestingly, her definition for “re-ligion” takes up the theme from her time 1 interview answer by stating that being reli-gious means to believe and live by the teachings of the Catholic church (interesting tonote here is the limitation “inmy case” she inserts, acknowledging the fact that there areother ways of being religious, or at least other churches that one might follow). Inter-estingly, she opts for being “more religious than spiritual,” which might mean that thespiritual dimension does not play a big role in her everyday life at that time. This canbe found as well in her interview answer in which she puts the focus on being faithfuland religious and on performing sacred rituals as well as on integrating her faith in dailylife. This time, the generativity aspect comes into focus, which seems logical with threechildren she wants to convey her faith to. Interesting to see here is that she adds an out-side perspective to her argumentation tomake clear what being religiousmeans for her.While she perceives that theremay be peoplewho claim to believe (inGod)without goingto church, she argues that this stance basically misses the point of what believing in Godmeans for herself, she adds.The way she outlines her own position implies that she seesa belief without the church as misdirected.86 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable5:DataonBianca’sSubjectiveReligiosityBiancawave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:tohavetranscendentalexperiencesthatcanberelatedunequivocallytoGod’sexistence(wonders,inexplicablephenomena)15spirituality:tobeatonewithGodinprayer,tosurrendertoHim,toopenupandseekHiswill16freeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:tobelieveintheteachingsoftheCatholicchurch(inmycase)andtolivebythem17religion:tofollowthecommandmentsandlawsofthechurch,tocelebratetheHolyMass,toreceivethesacraments18self-assessmentequallyreligiousandspiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualequallyreligiousandspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?IdothinkI’mfaithful,definitely.Andforme,thismeansthatItrytoliveasitconformstotheCatholicchurch,becausethat’swhereIbelongto.AndthismeansthatIattendmassregularlyandIpray.AndIalsotry,whenIseefriendsorpeopleIknowdevastatedbecausesomethingbadhashappened,Itrytostandbythem.Insomewayorother,yes,Iprayalotforothers,Ithinkthat’spartofitall.Ijustbelievethatprayerisvery,veryimportant.ForthewholeworldandforeveryindividualtoobecausewhenyoureallyassumethatthereisaGod,Isay,prayeristhemostimportantthingbecausethat’showyougetincontactwithHim,andthenHecan,youknow,takecontrolofthingsorshowusHisway.19Iamfaithfulandalsoreligious,so,thismeansformethatIstrivetogotomassonSundaysandalsoteachthistomykids,andthatweprayseveraltimesadayand,yes,justtrytofindGodintheworldandfollowhim.AlsoreadtheBibleorotherChristianscriptures.Like,justpracticewhatyoubelieve,youknow?[…]Somemightsay,“Ibelieve,butIdon’tneedthechurchforthat.”Butformethat’sthecrucialpoint.BecauseJesusfoundedthechurchandthroughEucharistwecanmeethimbodilyandthat’smostimportantforme,becausewhatdoIneedagoodfriendforifIdon’tgoandvisithim?Right?20Allthree,Iguess.(laughs)ButIdon’tknow,theyarenotmutuallyexclusive,forme.Ofcourse,spiritual,thatmightapplyforesotericstuffaswell,andthat’snotwhatIam.ButspiritualmightalsomeanthatyouhaveaspecialconnectiontoGodorto,Idon’tknow,heaven.[…]Ijusttalkedabouthavingthosedreamssometimes.Maybethiswouldfallunderthetermspiritualforme.[…][Beingreli-gious/faithful]that’sthemostimportantthinginmylife,towhichIattachgreatimportanceandbywhichIlive.[I:Wouldyoudifferentiatebetweenreligiousandfaithful?]Ithinkformeit’sthesame.ButIcanimaginethattherearepeoplewhocallthemselvesreligiouswho[…]perhapscannotbelievedeepinside,butwanttobereligiousontheoutside[…]Ortheotherwayaround,someonewhoisfaithful[…]andsays,“IbelieveinGod,butIdon’tneedthechurchforthat.”Thatdoesexist.AndIthinktherearethosedifferences,butformepersonallyitbelongstogether.215. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 87Wave 3: Here, we have an interesting definition of “spirituality” that was not present inher earlier statements. She states that spiritualitymeans to be at onewith God in prayer,which leaves out the more extraordinary notion her definition at wave 2 had but impliesthat this is something that can be achieved on a regular basis. This definition also con-tains some hints regarding her image of God, since realizing and fulfilling His will seemto be of importance here. However, in the interview she refers to more singular experi-ences like dreams in which she feels a special connection with God or, more generally,something higher (Heaven). She strictly rejects being spiritual in an esoteric way, whichis not elaborated further. An obvious explanation for this being an assumed commonground with the interviewer that being esoteric is not desirable in general. On the otherhand,herdefinition for “religion”again is closely bound to the laws and rituals her churchoffers. She affirms the importance of her faith for her whole life even though there is nomention of how this faith is integrated in her daily life in this answer. She does mentionagain other possible ways of being religious and/or faithful (without really believing, orwithout attending church). In contrast to her time 2 answer, she is more able to allowthose positions to stand next to her own, even though shemakes clear that her approachis different. But she sounds less judgmental than in her answer at time 2.Bianca’s Image of GodTurning toBianca’s image ofGod, it has been indicated above she believes in a benevolentand leadingGod,someoneshecan trust completelywithout losing theability to thinkanddecide for herself. However, her descriptions change subtly over time:Well, I would say during childhood, till the age when you start thinking for yourself,[…] my image of God was shaped by my parents, definitely […] and they took meto mass, […]. And my parents did not provide the image of a judging God. That’spretty common to say, like, if you don’t behave, God will scold you. […] They ratherportrayed Him as the loving God. And then… my personal conversion basically tookplace at this pilgrimage site. […] Yes, and we started going there when I was veryyoung […]. And so, I somehow grew into it, you just get a different image of Godthere. Because when you’re there, then… you just feel that something supernaturalis happening there and you experience a strong peace and love and quiet. […] Yes,and so my image of God has been consolidated more and more. And that’s how itis today, I still have a pretty positive image of God, and, erm, of course you havedoubts sometimes, but that’s just part of it all, I guess. And you can grow further(laughs).22 (Bianca, FDI, time 1)I think my image of God has developed further. Just because of different ex-periences and because of becoming more mature in everything. Of course, manyyears ago, my thinking would have been more naïve and not so much directed to-ward the future, but (sighs), you know, with kids, you think about the future in adifferent way and about values and about life in general. But I would say it devel-oped in a positive way, one can evaluate things better […]. So, God is still very, veryimportant, the most important part of my life.23 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)[…] When you’ve grown up until you die, you mature through experiences,through encounters. And that’s all growth. Like, I feel settled within my faith and,of course, I question that again and again. Like, with what’s been going on in the88 Leitmotifs in Life Storieschurch. […] For example, this whole abuse scandal, what is revealed more andmore in the world church, you know. Of course, that’s a no-go. [I: And does thatinfluence your personal faith?] Well, not my personal faith since I believe in Godand not in the church. Like, of course, we go to church regularly. And I still seethat as a God-given institution, but the problem is the ground staff. […] I think thechurch would have to audit those people who want to become priests in a betterway. Like check, how is their attitude toward sexuality? What is their attitudetoward, erm, a healthy image of humans? [I: And how would you describe yourfaith today?] Yes, this is still growing. Some time ago, I read a very nice book, […]and there this relationship with God as Father was taken up in a different way.And this helped me a lot to get a different approach to this topic. To be able tocomprehend this mercy and that He really is like a daddy who just loves us.24(Bianca, FDI, time 3)At time 1, Bianca spends a lot of time on how her image of God has developed since shewas a child, and an emphasis is put on the what she calls conversion experience she hadat the pilgrimage site. Directly experiencing the transcendence and finding inner har-mony led, despite a rebellious time during puberty (which has been reported in the lifereview section), to a continuity of faith, and even the fact that she has doubts is turnedinto a possibility to grow further. In this first interview, the experience dimension of herfaith is in the foreground while in the second interview, her statement is less specific.She describes her faith as growing and changing, yet this time, the emphasis is clearlyon passing on her values and beliefs to her children (which has already been pointed outabove in the analysis of her answer regarding her religiosity). The third answer is thelongest and has been shortened a bit here to put into focus a newmotif: Bianca brings toattention the negative headlines her church has been faced with recently, which may, beseen as a proactive act of taking up possible critique in itself. She does make it clear thatwhile she criticizes the way the church chooses their personnel, this really has nothingto do with her personal faith. So, by applyingmoral criticism, she distances herself fromthe church as an institution.This is remarkable since in her other interviews shewas veryinsisting on the importance of following the orders set by the Catholic church.This con-tingency is not addressed in that third interview.Her last point in this answer is that sherecently came to view Godmore than ever as Father and how this is achieved by readinga book, which is seen as a good development by focusing the benevolent and loving Godand casting away the doubts that were mentioned earlier. On the Representation of GodScale, she indicated that at wave 3, she sees God as more authoritarian and at the sametime more benevolent than does the rest of the sample. On the other hand, the facets ofGod as mystical and ineffable do not appeal to her.In all interviews, she describes howGod guides her way and there aremultiple occa-sions where she describes having directly experienced God’s work in her life.This is stillvaguelymentioned at time 1 when she talks about her experiences at the pilgrimage site.At time 2, she tells a vivid story about how God helped her make an important decisionregarding house building (the story is longer, but has been shortened here especially foranonymity reasons):5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 89Table 6: Bianca’s Narrative: “Building aHouse”Orientation A lot of people think, [the Bible] is an old book, dusty, and not up to date, but Icannot sign this. (smiling) Because somehow it always contains the solution and…that was really funny. […] Just little things, and people might say: “That was acoincidence or itmightmean something different,” but for us it really was a sign.Complication (laughs) And sowewere reasoningwhether we should build a house […],Evaluation yes, and so we prayed and (smiling) and opened the Bible […], then there was this[story] in which Joseph has that dream, that he should go to another country withMary. Andwell, we are building that house in the nearby village and for us, it was alllike, “Take yourwife and your children and take themto this (smiles) nearby village,”(laughs) something like that.Resolution So, stuff like that. And that helped us a lot. Sometimes there are those funny parts,(smiles) whichmakeme think, “God really does have a sense of humor.” (laughs)Coda Yeah, I don’t know. Others wouldmaybe say, “Such bullshit, tomake a decision justbecause it iswritten down there,” you know, but for us it seemedfitting and (smiles)until nowwe have not regretted it.25 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)The fact that she tells a story here (and, additionally, that she repeats it at time 3 withonly slight alterations) suggests how important it is for her to bring across how she ac-tually lives her religion, so calling this a religious identity narrative (Keller et al., 2016a)seems adequate. As can be seen in the table, she laughs and smiles a lot while telling herstory, which might indicate on the one side that she likes remembering the situation.Moreover, this emphasizes her thesis that “God really does have a sense of humor.” Onthe other hand, this might be interpreted as defensive, since she knows how other peo-ple react when she talks about this form of decision making (“such bullshit”). She mayanticipate a critical reaction from the interviewer and by laughing about her experienceherself shows that she takes this with a grain of salt. This is supported by the observa-tion that the narrative is framed with critical remarks that she obviously got from otherpeople, and her coda is that for her and her family, this procedure seems fitting and hasproved suitable.However, when the interviewer asks to elaborate a bit more on the deci-sion-making process, she makes clear that they do not follow this procedure in a servileway:So, yes, we pray in advance that God may give us an answer that we understand andthen we open [the Bible] on a random page. […] Sometimes… it happened that some(smiles) text from the Old Testament came up that nobody understands. (laughs)And then we were like, “Well, no, we did not get that. Make it more specific please.”(laughs) Of course, and then we consider our own feelings, “Do we want that ornot?” Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense, you know, if you do that.26 (Bianca, FDI,time 2)90 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesShe underlines here that her faith and her belief that God leads her does not mean shefollows all of His orders blindly, but she is even allowed to criticize the wayHe chooses tocommunicate at times.What is also important for her is that her intuition is consideredaswell,andsheemphasizeshere thatnotdoing this “doesn’tmake sense.”All in all,Biancadescribes a form of faith that is self-chosen and scrutinized when it seems necessary,which does not diminish her belief in a leading and well-meaning God.Morality in Bianca’s Interviews—Questions on Life and DeathFor her morality, it is interesting to see that there are certain topics that are discussedinmore than one interview, even though they are not directly asked for or are connectedwith her biography. Among them are the topics of abortion and assisted suicide.Here, itbecomes clear that even thoughBiancaportrays herself as a critical and reflective person,there are limits which are pretty strict and people who overstep those limits are viewedjudgingly.When she talks about those topics, it is with a critical tone toward an all-too-liberal society. At time 1, when asked if there are certain actions that are always rightunder any circumstances, she says:Yes, for example, life per se, which is threatened a lot in today’s society. For exampleunborn children, who are simply aborted. And how a person just stands above thatand says, I’m the doctor here, I decide to abort that child. Or in old age, that youjust give old people an injection, for them to have their peace and don’t have tosuffer anymore. And I believe that’s a step, and the whole society should agree onthat, especially when life is concerned, because I think that’s where humans’ areaof competence ends, I don’t think that we have the right to intervene there, becauseI believe for example that it’s just God’s decision, when someone should be bornor die. […] And everyone has the right to live. Every person has the will to live. […]and that’s a value, I think, that should have real priority, life per se.27 (Bianca, FDI,time 1)She shows here a very strict adherence to the rules of her Church, which vehemently re-jects both abortionandassisted suicidewithoutdifferentiated considerationof otherpo-sitions. It is interesting to see that when she talks about abortion, the responsible partyis “the (male) doctor” who obviously makes the relevant decision (and acts god-like, oreven puts himself above God). The pregnant woman is not mentioned and neither arepotential circumstances that might have led to the wish or the necessity to terminate apregnancy. “Today’s society,” in her portrayal, allows these acts and seemingly even en-courages them, thereby disrespecting the rule that should stand above all, namely thatit should be God who decides about life and death. In saying that, she again reveals anunconditional trust in a leading God and a concurrent feeling of superiority of her ownreligion.This complex of themes is taken up again at time 2when thinking about actionsthat are always right andmoral principles:5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 91Well, I find it really important to protect life. This whole debate about assistedsuicide and abortion, I think that’s just horrible because… Where will this lead to?I mean, we really claim to be God by interfering everywhere. […] Everybody shouldagree on that and say, “Come on, so far and no further.” Like with all this researchon embryos and so on. I think at some point humans should just (laughs) stay outof it.28 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)While her time 1 statementwasmore concrete andmore focused on giving a graphic im-pression, she ismore abstract here, and her answer ismore condensed to themainmes-sage, which otherwise stays the same: people should not intervene in God’s area of com-petence. She formulates this as a claim for all people as something that everybody shouldagree on, again combining social criticismand the feeling of having superior knowledge.Yet,when the interviewer asks her to elaborate further onwhat shemeanswhen she crit-icizes assisted suicide, she goes into further detail:Yeah, it’s just about granting people a dignified death. That you don’t just go andgive them an injection or switch off a machine. So I think dying is a process and wecan’t just steal away and […] block out the suffering, […]. I think a difficult processof dying is important for the person, so that he can come to terms with God. But,well, when nobody believes in God anymore, there’s no one to come to terms with,so you can switch off a machine more easily, you know. And I experienced that withmy grandma. […] She died at our home and that was so nice and such a peacefuldeath and in my eyes it’s a pity that people want to interfere here. Because I thinkthe whole life is a path and you make experiences and it’s a process. And if youjust go and cut this off, the process does not have an ending. And in my eyes, that’ssomehow just not natural.29 (Bianca, FDI, time 2)Bianca has a very clear concept of how a person should die, including difficulties whichare nonetheless necessary in order to come to terms with God. For her, this is not de-batable, or the optimal way, and by giving the example of her old grandmother, she un-derlines that she must be right with this concept. She mentions that she is aware of thefact that “nobody believes in God anymore,” which results in a very unemotional act of“switch[ing] off a machine more easily” in her argumentation. Her faithful way to lookat the world seems superior to others, and thinking and acting differently about dying is“somehow justnotnatural” toher.While theargumentation fromherpoint of viewseemscoherent and convincing, there is no room left for doubt or for people who hold valuesdifferent from her own.The absoluteness of her stance is shaken by time 3. At this timepoint, she does not talk about assisted suicide (nor about abortion), but death and dyingare present in her life and in the interviewnonetheless.A friend of her has died of cancer,which made her question the way she deals with that topic. She tells about these recentexperiences in the form of a narrative, thereby underlining the importance of them:92 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 7: Bianca’s Narrative: “Dealing with Death”Orientation So, [some timeago], a good friendofminediedof cancer. […]Andhewrote somethinglike a dying diary on [social media]. […] You suffered with him. And that was a hardtime.Complication Because… I askedmyself, what would I do if I was in this situation, […]? Yeah, and thatwas a question of faith, and I was like, would God let something like that happen?And if yes, then why? And what would that do to my faith? Could I just accept it orwould thatmakeme fall from faith?Evaluation (smiles) So this was also kind of a good time for me, because in the end I said, no,because in the end we all die. I die at one point. And I think it’s important to facethis. […] And this friendwasn’t faithful unfortunately. For him, it was really importantto take big actions, to travel, to plan his funeral, a big hubbub. He didn’t knowwhatwould come after that. But he couldn’t manage to truly believe. Yeah, so I prayedfor him a lot and hoped that he would achieve this, because it gives you hope andconsolation. To die just like this and then you’re just gone, that’s somehow... […] Thennothing has value, you know, when everything’s just gone after you’re dead.Resolution [I: So, your answer to this question would have been a different one, or rather yourhandling of the situation?] Yes. Well, I’m saying that now, while I’m not affected(smiles). When you’re in this situation, of course you don’t know how you… But […], Imean, if you have that basic orientation in life, you don’t completely fall away fromthat.Coda […] I do believe thatmy attitude has changed insofar that I take a closer look perhapsor ammore open ormore sensitive if things like this happen, you understand peoplein a different way, you know.30 (Bianca, FDI, time 3)Bianca’s narrative resembles a redemption story in which a negative situation (afriend’s death, questioning your own stance) is turned into something good (renewalof a certainty in faith, at the same time higher sensitivity for people with differentcircumstances), which is a form of narrative generally associated with higher self-acceptance and well-being (cf. McAdams et al., 2001). The “complication” of her story isthat she feels compelled to ask herself how she would handle such a situation and if afate like her friend’s would make her question her belief in God. She consciously tookthat situation as an opportunity to reflect her own beliefs, thereby portraying herself asan open-minded person. Nevertheless, her evaluation is in line with what she believedto be true at time 2 as well: that faith in God is the best way to face such an adversesituation, since the belief in an afterlife gives hope and consolation in her opinion. Sheprayed for her friendwho did not believe until the end, because she believes that withoutfaith, “nothing has value” since there is no prospect of a life after death. Interesting,though, are the “resolution” and the “coda” parts. In the “resolution,” she shows thatthere is at least the possibility to falter when faced with existential circumstances, eventhough she is quite certain that having her faith laid as a groundwork will help herstick with it nonetheless. But this moment of uncertainty was not visible at time 1 or 2,so it can be inferred that having to witness a friend’s death has perhaps made Biancamore susceptible for something beyond her convictions.This is made clear as well in her“conclusion:” she says that this experience has made her more open and more sensitive5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 93for people’s individual needs and furthered her understanding. So, while she may stillstrongly adhere to her faith and consider this the ultimate solution for handling ultimatesituations, she got a glimpse into a worldview different from her own by observing hernon-faithful friend’s management of his own death.5.1.4 Bianca’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataLooking now at the other data available for Bianca, it can be said that Bianca’s style-as-pects maps do not showmuch change over the course of the three interview timepoints.She has mostly been rated a style 3 (mutual religious style), which indicates a ratherconventional approach by usually applying norms and values of trusted authorities. InBianca’s case, it is the Catholic Church that serves as an authority andmainly influenceshowBianca sees theworld andhowshe answers tomoral questions.The effort to abstractfrom these claims or to critically reflect them is only rarely visible throughout all of herinterviews.Consequently, her religious type does not change either and she is constantlydescribed with type 2, which is considered predominantly conventional. The structuralanalysis ofBianca’s interviews reveals a rather constant conventional approach to thedif-ferent forms ofmeaning-making that are part of the interview.However, aswehave seenin the analysis above, it would have been wrong to conclude that nothing has changed inBianca’s accounts over the course of 14 years.To complete the picture, we have the following results from her survey data:Table 8: Selected Data from Bianca’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Bianca M(SD) Bianca M(SD) Bianca M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings4.60 2.63(1.17)4.40 2.42(1.12)4.40 2.60(1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice3.80 4.35(0.38)4.40 4.28(0.51)4.80 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog2.60 3.64(0.75)2.80 3.57(0.76)2.40 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 4.29 3.67(0.59)3.43 3.20(0.40)2.86 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 4.00 3.67(0.71)4.14 3.72(0.59)3.86 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.57 4.38(0.38)4.71 4.17(0.39)4.14 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers4.29 3.86(0.65)4.71 3.90(0.62)4.43 3.94(0.65)94 Leitmotifs in Life Storiespurpose in life 4.29 3.77(0.61)4.43 3.76(0.51)3.71 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance 3.86 3.79(0.68)4.43 3.86(0.62)3.86 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.83 3.42(0.78)3.67 3.40(0.70)3.25 3.40(0.68)extraversion 3.58 3.26(0.58)4.00 3.25(0.58)4.00 3.20(0.56)openness to experience 3.67 3.90(0.47)4.33 3.89(0.49)4.08 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 3.92 3.74(0.46)4.08 3.73(0.44)4.00 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 3.67 3.70(0.49)4.08 3.76(0.51)3.83 3.78(0.50)On theReligious SchemaScale,we find scores for ttt that aremore than one standarddeviation higher than those of the whole sample. Alongwith xenos scores that are one SDlower than the sample mean, this suggests a rather fundamentalist mindset in whichthe rules of her own religion are taken more or less literally and there is little (and evendecreasing) appreciation for the new and strange,which is not consonant with her com-parably moderate to high scores on the NEO-FFI subscale openness to experience. It mightbe hypothesized that Bianca’s openness ends when the strange appears in the form of afaith that is different from her own. Increasing scores on ftr support this hypothesis andindicate that Bianca is opening up her worldview slightly in the course of the 14 yearsexamined here, which is during a time when she raises three children and most likelyis confronted with many different views and which may contribute also to her increas-ing scores on extraversion. Her scores on the Ryff Scale are puzzling: while most of herscores are rather high, indicating a mostly content personality, which is in accordancewith her tendency to give her narratives a redemptive turn, her scores on autonomy andpurpose in life drop drastically over the years.This findingmight hint at a certain dissatis-faction with her position in life which may be related with having to care for three chil-dren and possibly not being able to follow the professional path she had planned. Biancais rather reserved regarding this part of her life story, andwedonot learn anything abouther ambitions and dreams outside the realm of the family and her faith. Other than thestructural analysis, the look into her quantitative data does show change, even though itcannot completely be related to her accounts in the interview.Having analyzed Bianca’s interviews with the help of content and narrative codingand considering the other data presented here, it can be said that hermorals, theway sheraises her children, and the way she lives her life is permeated by her Catholic faith. Yet,we still see development: Bianca starts off as a young woman who has just had her firstchild with motherhood not being too present in her accounts at this time.This changesdrastically in her time 2 interview. As has been pointed out, raising her children in the5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 95Catholic faith and teaching them values and morality are a focus in her life at that time(however, going along with a loss of a feeling of autonomy and emotional stability). By time3, some of these ideals have been put to the practical test by having a teenager in thehouse who challenges her views and the way she sees herself as a mother (and likely as aChristian). In some ways, her time 2 interviewmight be classified as her most dogmaticone by reproducing sometimes radical opinions which, however, stay rather abstract. Attime 3, it becomes obvious that some of her attitudes have lost their edges by having beenadapted to a life in a more and more secular world, even though her faith itself has notfaltered. As for her leitmotif, this might best be described as “Negotiating Catholic faithwithin a secular society,” since this is a topic that is explicitly taken up in all of her inter-views with different emphases while becoming more prominent the older her childrenget. The way she talks about her marriage and the education of her children becomesless abstract and less dogmatic over time, making way for a more praxis-oriented ap-proach.This development cannot be deduced from looking at her style-aspectmaps onlyand it is amerit of theATLAS.ti-based content analysis to be able to carve out those subtlechanges.5.2 Jannis—Finding his Faith Again“And then I had that deep experienceduring a pilgrimage. And I met my wifethere, and that started a whole newchapter. […] Yes, this conversion or thisturning back from unbelief to belief, Iwould say that it simply saved my life.”31Jannis, as has been mentioned above, was born in the Middle East and grew up in aCatholic community. By the time of his first interview, at age 23, he has moved to Ger-many, gottenmarried, and has just had his first child. Jannis reports a time of alienationfrom his church and his faith during puberty, which is a time in which he listened toheavy metal and was drawn to Satanism and had, in his own words, “false friends” (time2). During a pilgrimage that he had only reluctantly agreed to attend when he was 18, hehad a mystical experience which reinstates his belief in God. During that same pilgrim-age he also met Bianca, and it can be said that this was a life-changing event for him inmore than one way. It is therefore not surprising that faith plays a big role in Jannis’s lifeas well32.5.2.1 Jannis’s Life Reviews and His Religious JourneyLooking back at his life, Jannis is quick to turn the attention to his religious journey inhis first-time interview. He tells the story of his deconversion/reconversion experience,which will be detailed below.When asked to divide his life into chapters, he chooses thefollowing division:96 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesSo, the first experience for me was just being a child and going to school, that wasjust a normal year in my life, you know. Just believing. As it was taught, catechismbelief, you know. In the beginning, I just learnt what God is and so on. And then[in the 90s], that was, to be blunt, an extreme life. Like, a really bad life. Black life,I would say. For me, that was a black life because I had no vision anymore. And,erm, [after that] … transformation. From this black life to, let’s say, white life. Myphrasing. And now I have a lucky life.33 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)This is a redemption story in a very condensed form. Jannis falls from faith, and througha transformative process turns his black life to white again.This part of his biography isthe most important and the most defining section. At different points in the interview,he references this phase by referring to his teenage years during which he was alienatedfrom his family and his faith as “a normal puberty situation” and describing it furtherwhen for example asked for crises:Yes, there were some. Like I said [in the 90s], I don’t know the exact year. That wasn’tjust a day; it was permanent. Yeah, I had a love relationship. And that wasn’t sogood. That was the first problem. A problem of puberty, everyone has that. Thatis such a burden. […] And then I talked to friends [rather than to my parents], andthe friends, they said: […] “Let’s listen to hard rock.” […] “Come to the disco withme and dance and forget everything.” And I felt good then, I said, yes, okay. Andso I drifted toward hard rock a bit. Listened more to hard rock. I was so far awayfrom God, I did not even think about God. (firmly) Not at all. But hard rock—Iliked that music. But for me it was not just good music, it was like a relief […]. Imean, everybody likes that, around here, or everywhere. It is good music. […] WhenI went into puberty, [I was] like nearly every child who wanted to get away fromtheir parents a bit, because puberty is hard.34 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)By attaching his own development so closely to a normative trajectory, he tries to takeaway the blame from himself and his parents for his “misbehavior.” Paying more atten-tion to friends and listening to a certain type of music, his alienation fromGod is some-thing that he depicts as very typical for teenagers. In other words, his “deviant” behav-ior is normalized and may be seen as a necessity of growing up, and as conventional.This whole paragraph can be seen as an autobiographical argument referring to a devel-opmental status. So what Jannis describes is a normal teenager behavior, and he relieson that normality. His attraction to hard rock and his alienation are no longer individ-ual choices but become something more compulsory. Hard rock music here serves as arepresentative for the temptations of the secular life, envisioning an angry, protestingyounger audience as common ground. Jannis, however, does not seem very keen on ex-plaining his motifs for feeling attracted to hard rock and Satanism on a content level (ifand how Satanism really got into thatmix is elaborated at no point) but prefers to excusethis “lapse”with circumstances at that time, e.g., his peer group and a general discontentdue to that unhealthy relationship.He puts a lot more focus on his re-conversion, whichwill be discussed later in this chapter.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 97While referring to a norm seems to be very important to him in his first interview atage 23, it is interesting to see that he does not refer to that norm as much in his secondinterview:And, like I said, during puberty I had to rebel a bit, had to make my own experiencesand had my downs and my problems and walked away from religion. […] There arealso negative relationships […] There were these friendships, I had good friends,but at the same time I also had bad friends who showed me bad ways. And thatchanged me as a person. [I: You mean, the typical relationships as a youth?] Yes, ina way, but at the same time… things like heavy metal. Heavy metal isn’t necessarilynegative, but I went into a negative direction of heavy metal, like, everything badthat you can think of. This had an impact on me. False friends—you can have them,but you don’t necessarily have to. There were bad relationships, this one girlfriend.We were always having crises. And I was also having problems at school, so therewere different factors: puberty, always rebelling, all at the same time. And I did nothave somebody who would tell me, “Come on, I’ll show you the way,” somethinglike that. And that’s how I got lost.35 (Jannis, FDI, time 2)He seems more self-assured and more pragmatic about his juvenile behavior as well asless defensive, even though he still names the “wrong” friends and the unhealthy rela-tionship with a girl as important factors for his “apostasy.” In the end, he comes up withsomething that was not obvious for him in his first interview, perhaps due to the rela-tively short amount of time that had passed since his puberty. Falling from faith couldhave been prevented if he had had someone who showed him the way.While at time 1 and time 2, Jannis chose to orient his life review toward a perceivednorm, he takes a strikingly different approach at time 3:Yes, I’d have to name several chapters. Like, the beginning chapter would be “learn-ing,” and the middle part, yes, “testing, collecting experiences.” And for the currentchapter, I would give as a title, yes, still “collecting experiences,” but also “living.”That’s a good chapter, “living.” (laughs) [I: Can you elaborate a bit on the singlechapters?] Yes, well, the “learning” chapter is more or less, at the beginning, timeat school, studying or vocational training, and then at one point, I mean, this wholething, until you’re 18, you learn a lot. […] After the age of 18, you start working some-times or continue studying. And that’s what you call experiences, I would say. Andin the end it’s like, you have the experience and you have learned. Of course, mymother says, “You never stop learning.” […] [I: Could you give examples?] Yes, so, myexamples would be, you follow your professional path, like, you know, I studied, […]and then at one point I had collected so many experiences in this area and every-thing was interesting and new for me. […] In the private sphere, of course, family.That’s the time when simultaneously the family was created and so on. And forme, that was all new. Having kids and all that. That’s also an experience. Positiveexperience. […] Through my work, I gathered a lot of experiences, and I can passthem on to my kids.36 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)It becomes apparent that Jannis is now, in hismid-30s and being a father of three, is ableto structure his life review in a more abstract way yet not completely independent from98 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesmilestones like school. At the same time, he gives awaymore personal information asidefrom his religious socialization than at the other timepoints.His religious journey is notmentioned in this paragraph,which is a huge difference to his other interviews. Instead,his professional life and his family life become more prominent. At this point, he hasintegrated his conversion experience in his life thatmuch that it does not seemnecessaryto mention it at once (later, as can be seen below, he elaborates on that experience quitea lot, though). His life in this answer is presented as a constant flow, and the ups anddowns that it contains come up later when other questions are asked. For example, hiscrisis during puberty is elaborated on when he is asked for meaningful relationships inthe past:There were positive and negative [relations]. Of course, I also had negative friendsthat had a negative influence. That was during my puberty phase. That’s basicallythe bad that you can have. […] I was influenced in a negative way as in trying ev-erything what there is during puberty, and a lot of alcohol was involved and stufflike that. And that was negative, in my opinion, like, the experience wasn’t so nice,looking back. Of course, when you’re in it, you’re just dull and, yes, just in it. Look-ing back, I may find that bad and therefore I’d say it was a negative experience,but it is an experience. (smiles) […] Because, of course, when you drink from timeto time, it’s not a problem, but when you drink too much and do stupid things,then it turns to being negative. [I: Do you also have an example for the positive re-lations?] […] When I got married, or shortly before that, I experienced a new faith,I returned to my faith, my Christian faith. And I was all new and juvenile in thatsense, regarding my faith, and so my friends, who are also faithful, they gave mestrength in this faith. [I: So you walked away from your faith and then came back?]Exactly, because of puberty, because of bad friends, I walked away from my faith. Iput other things to the foreground, and then it was like a return for me.37 (Jannis,FDI, time 3)In this answer, Jannis seems more distanced from his adolescent rebellion than in theother interviews (which he is, regarding the elapsed time).He even has adopted amilderview on his juvenile antics, stating that he would still consider his behavior as negative,but he can today just call it an “experience.”His choice ofmusic and any references to Sa-tanism are missing here, making this puberty crisis less vivid and less formative maybeeven.There is less regret and less blame inhis account, and the friends are notmentionedas actors or as persuaders. He appears to havemade his peace with that phase. Interest-ingly, he also mentions his positive relations, forming a stark contrast to those negativerelations in so far as those new friends help him on his way of finding back to his faithand giving him strength. He appears to be happy in that homogenous group of fellowChristians with his faith being the central part of his life.Jannis’s PilgrimageIt is therefore not surprising that the most important event in Jannis’s biography is thepilgrimagewhere he rediscovers his faith,which could be categorized as a re-conversionnarrative. This narration takes up a large part in all of his interviews. In his first-timeinterview, he describes it as follows:5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 99Table 9: Jannis’s Narrative: “RediscoveringHis Faith inMedjugorje”Orientation So then I got to go toMedjugorje. It was funny because I wanted to go to Italy, to theWorld YouthDay, andmymotherwanted to travel to Rome, but she didn’t knowwhatwas the cheapest, we didn’t havemuchmoney. And then she found that pilgrimage,which was cheap. But it was one week in Medjugorje. Nobody knew where thatwas. And she was like, okay, you’ll get more vacation. One week in Rome, one inMedjugorje. That’s in Bosnia. And I said, fine, themain thing is to get out of [Arabiccountry A]. (laughs)Complication Yes, and I was happy, and then, when I arrived in Medjugorje, everything seemedstrangetomebecauseeverybodywantedtopray, todopraise,andtosing.Medjugorjehas aMarian apparition, like Lourdes or Fatima. […] But it’s still happening there. […]And in the beginning, I was skeptical.Evaluation But somehow, it was such a strange day that—boom!—I started believing. I can’texplain how that happened, and I amnot the only one.Maybemillions of otherswhogo there say the same.Resolution And Imetmywife there. At first, wewere just friends. […]When I was back in [Arabiccountry A], I wrote her e-mails, and then she invitedme to visit, and then sparks flewimmediately. I met her parents who also go toMedjugorje regularly.Coda She was more faithful than I was at first. I was at the beginning; I had just startedbeing faithful again.38 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)By using the form of a classic narrative according to Labov andWaletzky (1967), Jan-nis underlines the importance of this story for his life and his subjective development.In other terms, this is how he internally conceptualizes his religious identity narrative.Starting with the topos of a “favorable opportunity” (he wants to get away from homeand then there is his mother’s offer to go on that pilgrimage), he implies that his origi-nal plan was not to go there to find his faith. Rather, this portrayal is in accordance withthe stereotypical picture of an apparently lazy teenager who has to be shoved out of thedoor by his mother, making his story even more plausible. The conversion he describeshere is actually a re-conversion—he goes back to his old faith, thereby re-establishingcontinuity in his religious trajectory. Moreover, what can be seen here again is his ori-entation towards the norm. He suddenly believes again, which he cannot explain on acognitive level, but he reassures himself by saying that others experienced it in the sameway.Another important concept introduced here is the connection between his faith andhis relationship, or more precisely, his family life. He stresses that his wife and her par-ents share the same faith and that they were guides at the time when his faith was stillnew (see paragraph below for more details).It is not surprising that Jannis at time 2 also tells the story of his re-conversion:When I was about 18, there was a new chapter where I had to discover religion andthe Christians anew and, so to say, converted again from not being faithful to beingfaithful. I was still a Christian, I never formally left. But I just wasn’t faithful. Andthen I had that deep experience during a pilgrimage. […] And I met my wife there,and that started a whole new chapter. […] Yes, this conversion or this turning backfrom unbelief to belief, I would say that it simply saved my life. I was pretty much100 Leitmotifs in Life Storieslost, I would say, and then I met my wife. […] [I: Was there a certain point…?] Yes,during that pilgrimage, there was this Marian apparition, which is still happeningthere. And there I felt the Mother of God. Incredible! […] [I: Did you go to thatplace of pilgrimage for a special reason?] Yes and no. Yes. I was there because Ijust wanted to get out, have a little vacation—not a religious reason because I hadno religious purpose anymore. You see, I wasn’t faithful anymore. And my motherjust sent me on vacation, and then everything changed, 180 degrees, about that,you know. […] And I am sure, in my personal opinion, that was no coincidence thatI came there and that everything changed. Yes, there’s that. I met my wife there,basically.39 (Jannis, FDI time 2)While the introduction of how he went on a pilgrimage in the first place is rather shortduring this interview, themost important elements (going there despite not being faith-ful, becoming faithful again, andmeeting his wife) are there.The part of how he becamefaithful again is more elaborated during his narrative. Moreover, there is a very strongevaluation in the first part: “Yes, this conversion or this turning back fromunbelief to be-lief, I would say that it simply savedmy life.”This level of importance is not articulated attime 1, perhaps because it is something that Jannis needed more time to verbalize. Thegeneral motifs named here were also present at time 1: the deepening of his faith, a formof continuity and again, the connection betweenhis newfound faith andhis relationship.Searching for meaning and for something to hold onto has become more prominent atthis timepoint.The immediate feeling of transcendence when feeling theMother of Godis named more directly here than in his first narrative. What sounded like a favorableopportunity at time 1 sounds like a fateful event at time 2.This formative experience is told inmore detail at time 3. Startingwith how he got togo toMedjugorje in thefirst place (this time, like at time 1, framing it rather as a favorableopportunity), he describes his sojourn in Medjugorje as follows:And the first week was in Medjugorje, that’s a place where the Mother of God orMary makes an apparition, even today still. […] I didn’t believe that, didn’t thinkmuch about it. […] On the first day I was skeptical because everybody was pray-ing, had a rosary […]. And then, on the second and third day, of course, a specialexperience, […] an apparition. That does not happen often that there are group in-vitations, but there was one that day. […] And by 10 o’clock, there was a prayer andthen, how can I explain this? […] I started praying as well. Even though I had for-gotten how to pray. I also sang along. Even though I… that was group pressure, ifyou want to put it like that, but I sang along anyway. And then at some point, I,by accident… what does that mean, by accident? I just let go of my problems orsorrows. […] And suddenly there was the apparition, everybody became quiet, like,silence and quiet. And then, at this moment, while I was praying and renouncingmy problems, I felt an infinite warmth. Nearly pain. I mean, not really pain, butstrong in the heart. […] And at the same time a sort of, I don’t know, just love, ora funny feeling, just peace, if you want to put it like this. […] And from then on, Ithink I changed 180 degrees, completely. That was the big turnaround. From thenon, I confessed everything and let go of everything I had done and had been. Andfrom then I believed in a strong way that this exists. And this experience… it’s hard5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 101to convey it with words, but I cannot give you the feeling, this has to be experiencedfor oneself. […] And then I also met my wife there.40 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)He makes a point of stressing his skeptical stance more than once, even though, in theend, he gives in to what he labels here as “group pressure” by singing along.This is simi-lar to his other accounts andmakes his conversion experience evenmore believable. Fol-lowing his line of implicit argumentation, it can be assumed that convincing a hereticshould be a lot harder and would need really good arguments. This account, which hasbeen shortened considerably, takes a different direction than the others. His focus is onthe experience level, and he gets lost in his own accounts and seems deeply moved bythem.He acknowledges at the end of the above quote that this experience basically can-not be captured by words, which is mirrored in his account in some places where he isstruggling to find the right phrasing.This is interesting because he actually did captureit with words in a more coherent fashion in his earlier interviews. At time 3, most of hisother elaborations seem to have developed a more critical, abstract structure. Yet thisconversion experience does not fit into this mindset. Farther below, it will be analyzedwhether this can be found in his other answers regarding his religiosity as well.First, I will turn to Jannis’s important relationships, since they seem to play an im-portant role in his self-definition as a Christian.5.2.2 Jannis’s Relationship with Bianca and Their ChildrenThe Marriage from Jannis’s PerspectiveWhile Bianca only rarely directly addresses her marriage with Jannis, Jannis himself is abit more outspoken, for example, at time 1, when asked about important relationships:Yes, my wife. So, I met my wife. At first, she was like a friend for me. I liked herand she was faithful, and she was nice enough to invite me to Germany. […] Andthere, it just clicked and we had a good relationship, then a love relationship andwe got married. And that changed my life. Like, I came to Germany because of her.41(Jannis, FDI, time 1)When Jannis andBiancamet at the pilgrimage site, Janniswas having a crisis of faith andhad just found his way back to his old faith at this place.When hementions in the state-ment above that “she was faithful,” this is meaningful as she has obviously helped himon his way back to being faithful again. She and her family were important for Jannisbecause with them, he could live his new-found faith as a community praxis. Besides anobviously harmonious relationship, he emphasizes the importance of the faith he shareswith his wife with this faith being constitutive for their marriage. While Bianca is ob-viously a bit hesitant to talk about her husband at that time point, for Jannis she is animportant pillar in the new course that his life took, not only because he left his homecountry to live with her in Germany. This is underlined with the answer he gives whenasked for moments of joy or breakthrough experiences:102 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesYes. So, when I got married, I was so happy, for me that was (searching for words),such a lucky event. Because, since I married, I have the feeling that I have respon-sibility. I have a partner who I’m always with. She also believes. And I pray withher. I got parents-in-law who are faithful as well. For me, they are like my parents.Because my parents are far away.42 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)It becomes clear here that themarriagemeans taking responsibility for another person.Furthermore, it is seen by Jannis as an opportunity to share his life with someonewho hecanalso sharehis faithwith.Having re-convertedonly recently, this is an importantpointfor him, since this alsomeans to be embeddedwithin a surrounding that appreciates hisfaith. The parents-in-law are a welcome addition and even serve as substitute parentsfor Jannis, whose biological parents live abroad. Summed up, Jannis paints his youngmarried life in golden colors, emphasizing the joy it brings him to have found her andher family.In the second interview, his remarks about his wife are scarce, but he does mentionagain the way they met when looking back at his life:I was in Medjugorje and I met my wife from Germany there and then we starteda new chapter in Germany. We got married there and it’s a whole new chapter,you know. We are both faithful, religious and […] we helped each other and taughteach other in faith.43 (Jannis, FDI, time 2)At this timepoint, his focus clearly is on the beliefs they share, and on the possibility togrow and develop togetherwithin their faith.Hismigration and the importance of beingwelcomed in a community in Germany are not mentioned here.At time 3,when asked about current relationships, hismarriage is what comes to hismind at once:So, my marriage, that’s the most important basically. […] For me, it’s like, thanksto my wife, well, it would be incorrect to say I found my faith. No, that’s not true.But it increased, because she is also faithful, as faithful as me. And together, welet our faith grow. And that made me strong. And we still think that faith createdour love and that our love is just as strong as our faith.44 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)Jannis closely connects his growth in faith with his wife, similar to his statement at time2, even though he had found his way back to faith itself previously. Together with hisequally faithfulwife, his faith candevelop; it iswhat defines hismarriage and guaranteesits stability. Faith as the starting point and the core of their relationship could be foundimplicitly in his earlier interviews as well. Here it is more directly phrased than before.Jannis and his Children—Passing on ValuesAt time 1, Jannis has only recently become a father.Therefore, his elaborations are ratherabstract and he speaks of a generalized responsibility at some points in the interview.While Bianca talks about taking care for child and husband and raising the child well,Jannis phrases it like this when asked how he goes about making an important decision:5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 103First, I take a look at what it is. Whether it’s important for me. […] For example,if I’m looking for a job of want to go to university. […] Then I ask myself what isimportant for society. […] And I look at my family, at my life. What is important isthat I feel good with it. And then I do it. And then it’s a decision, for work, for thefuture, for my family or any decision.45 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)Here, we find a more generalized approach to generativity and taking care of the newfamily than Bianca has. For Jannis, it is important to take his and his family’s well-beinginto consideration when making a decision along with society at large. This might beconnectedwith a traditional rolemodel in which the father is responsible for feeding thefamily, but since this is not elaborated in either of their interviews, this remains vague.At time 2, by nowhaving three children, Jannismentions his familywhen askedwhatmakes his life meaningful:It definitely has meaning because I’m thankful for everything. I live my life as Christwants me to or I try at least to get as close to holiness as possible. If I succeedor not, everybody is sinful and everybody may commit sin. I’m only human, that’swhat they say. But for me, that life that I’m living is completely meaningful. I havea family, I have kids, I’m thankful for everything and I have a big sense in life. Like,everything: faith, kids, life, my wife.46 (Jannis, FDI, time 2)Here, the close connection between the different parts of his life becomes apparent, andone could surmise they that they are not different parts but facets of a whole entity withfaith being lived within the family, thereby giving the family unit meaning and stability.He does not elaborate on any moral opinions or something else that he wants to teachhis children beside raising them in faith by integrating them in their faith practice. Hisconceptualization of this dynamic is different at time 3, given the fact that his childrenare now older and certain topics come more into focus. His answer regarding beliefs,values, and commitments reads (in a shortened version) as follows:I talked about faith in length, about the values of faith. But also family values, like,when I pass on this good morality to my kids, for example. Morality is a big abstractthing which can be made better with faith, but also with completely normal things.Morality is important, this is a good value. For example, there is this, how shall Iput this, respect for other people, respect for one’s parents. Of course, people ofdifferent faith will say that too. That’s why I say, it is mixed among many people,it’s all morality. Also sexuality is an important point with faith. And all these values,that are given to faith by the Ten Commandments, I pass this on. Basically, what’sin the Bible is valuable for me. […] [I: Can you elaborate on that?] For example, thereis sex before marriage, for me that’s a value about which the Christian is like: nay,no, you know? Then there is this pornographic stuff that one could also watch. Forme that’s without value and that’s why I pass this on to my family and friends.47(Jannis, FDI, time 3)In general, he pleads for passing on the rules his faith provides, being certain that theyprovide a solid basis of values. However, he admits that other religions (albeit omitting104 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesnon-religious people) might have similarmoralities.When he elaborates on his exampleregarding sexuality, it becomes clear that, for him, theChristian approach is favored overthe secular temptations (those will be taken up again in the next paragraph). However,while thismay be something that is a current topic in his family, his elaborations remainon amore abstract and general level.Having now seen the importance of his faith for his whole life, I will analyze moreclosely the way Jannis describes his faith and his value system.5.2.3 Jannis’s Faith and the Supremacy of his own ReligionJannis’s Subjective ReligiosityToget amoredetailedpictureof theway Jannis viewshis ownreligiosity, seehere thedatacompiled of the questionnaire and the interview at all three timepoints. Jannis identifiesas “equally religious and spiritual” constantly, and has solely at wave 2 given definitionsof the terms “spirituality” and “religion.”Wave 1: Here it is interesting that Jannis starts his answer by stating what he is not. Itmay be hypothesized that he has been facedwith the accusation of being a fanatic beforeand he tries to meet this criticism before it even appears in the interview. However, hefreely admits to following the rules the Catholic church teaches him, displaying a clearorientation toward fixed authorities. Additionally, he emphasizes that his faith and Godare the top priority in his life. All of thismight be categorized as fairly fanatic by a criticalaudience, but the crucial distinction for Jannis is that while he wishes as many people aspossible would believe what he does, he does not seem to be willing to evangelize any-body. Interestingly, there is no further reference to being spiritual as well as religious inthis answer, as can be found in the other answers.Wave 2: It is not completely clear what Jannis means when he defines “spirituality” as“to believe with the spiritual eye.” Reading this in contrast to his definition of “religion”(“to believe with the mind”), it may be argued that he makes a distinction here betweena belief on the intellectual level, which would be religion and a belief that goes beyondthat, evoking the spiritual realm to some degree. In his interview answer, his focus thistime is on the practical dimension of his faith and his religious praxis being the mainpoint of his definition. Andwhile he states that all three concepts offered by the questionbelong together in his ownunderstanding, he attempts to differentiate themanyway, in-terestingly making a distinction between believing in God (which would be faithful) andbelieving in other higher powers and the Holy Spirit (which would be spiritual). Beingreligious for him contains that practical aspect that he had mentioned before. All in all,his self-identification in the survey seems to match this more elaborated answer.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 105Table10:DataonJannis’sSubjectiveReligiosityJanniswave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:tobelievewiththespiritualeye48spirituality:notansweredfreeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:tobelievewiththemind49religion:notansweredself-assessment equallyreligiousandspiritual equallyreligiousandspiritual equallyreligiousandspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson? So,Ibelievein…like,I’mnotazealotinmyfaith,youknow?I’mnot,like,erm,goingoncrusades(laughs)orsomething,no.Iamsimply…IbelieveinGod,that’smyownopinion.IhopeandIpraythatalotofpeoplewillbelievethattoo.Becauseforme,that’stherightthing.Iamfaithful.IjustdowhattheCatholicchurchteachesus.[I:Whatdoesthatmeanforyou?]Yes,faithismywholelife.Withoutfaith,there’snothing.Forme.Itmeanseverythingtome.MyGodisfirstpriorityforme.50 Iwouldsayfaithful,spiritualandreligiousallinone.(laughs)Forme,thismeansI’mapracticingChristian.That’sfaithfulforme.Itmeans,Itrytopracticemyfaith,tomoveit,it’snotadeadfaith,butalivingfaith.[…]So,religious,spiritualandfaithfulofcoursehavedifferentmeaningsprobably,butforme…allIcansayis,“Iamfaithful”meansallthreeofthem.[…]Ibelieveinhigherpowers,IbelieveintheHolySpirit,that’smorespiritualagain.[…]IbelieveinGod,that’sbeingfaithful.Andreligious:IpracticemyChristianity.Andformethat’sreligious.51Yes,Iconsidermyselfreligiousorfaithful.Butnotenough.[I:Whynot?]LikeIsaid,myfaithisgrowinguntilIdieandthat’swhyI’m,ifyouwanttoputitlikethat,[…]alwaysgrowingandthat’swhyit’salwayssmall,[…].Beingreligiousmeanstojusttakeareligion,acceptthisreligion.Formethat’sreligious.Believing,becauseyoubelieveinthisreligion.Becausetherearesomanywhoarebaptizedortookjobs[…].Buttheydon’tbelieveit.Andthat’sadifference,religious,faithful,thethirdstagewouldbespiritualandforme,that’s,Idon’twanttosayhigheststage,butthestageinwhichyoureallybelieveinhigherforces,really,reallybelieveinitandactuallybelievethatthroughfaiththingscanbechanged,notonlythroughpracticedfaith,routinesortraditions,butfaithcanreallyhealordowonders.Andthat’sspiritual,exactly.52106 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWave 3: The way he starts his answer at this timepoint shows that Jannis wants to beperceived as amodest and humble person.He states that his faith, despite growing con-stantly and—obviously—despite the effort he lies into developing it, is still small. How-ever, this part of the answer describes a continuity of deepening of his faith on his reli-gious journey. In the middle section of his answer, a criticism can be heard, directed to-wardpeoplewhobecomemembers of the churchnot because they share thebelief systembut because they share practical concerns. It becomes clear that Jannis does not endorsethis behavior and it’s the first time in these answers that such a critique is mentioned.Most interesting is his definition of being spiritual in this answer, which reveals a con-cept that was not present in the other two interviews: spirituality is defined as a higherstage, a state which is obviously free of doubt and open for wonders and other experi-ences beyond the intellectual realm. For Jannis, this state seems to be an ideal and is tobe achieved by a regular praxis.Summed up, his statements differ regarding their focus: at time 1, there is obviously animagined critical counterpart, the other answers are less defensive in that respect. Hisanswer at time 3 seems to be the logical continuation of the way he emphasizes his reli-gious praxis at time 2, since the desirable higher stage of being truly spiritual, withouthaving anymore doubts and just truly believing, can be achieved.His self-identificationas “equally religious and spiritual” gets progressively fleshed out over the years.Jannis’s Image of GodAs a next step, we look at the way Jannis describes how his image of God has changedover time:So, I believed in God like any child does and felt that He was good. And he waslike a father for me in the beginning. […] And then, [in the 90s], I went away fromGod. Like, I met other friends that did not believe in God. Erm, that was, let’s say,like Antichrist, you know. Heavy Metal, hard rock, that’s just music for some people,but for me it was running away from God, you know. […] Until, [later in the 90s],when I went on that pilgrimage, I felt, let’s put it bluntly, the Mother of God. […]I confessed there, after not having gone to confession for many years. And there Ifelt that there was someone who helped me. […] And now I have my old faith. Ibelieve in God, Jesus, Mary. In everything what normal faithful people believe in.[I: And how would you describe your image of God today?] Yes, well, I believe inGod. I believe in everything, the Catholic catechism, like… […]. So, for me God isalways stronger, I always believe in God. some days it’s less, some days it’s more,that’s normal, I’m human, you know. I’m not the Pope or something. But yes, I trymy best to keep my faith.53 (Jannis, FDI, time 1)[In the beginning], it was just a routine form of faith, […]. I always knew thatGod exists, even in my down phase, but the relationship with God was very bad atthat time. God for me was like an opponent, I put all the blame on him and toldhim, “It’s your fault that I am like this.” And I fought with him on the inside. Like,very hard. […] and my view has changed again after the conversion in Medjugorje,when I realized that it’s not god’s fault, but mine, […] and my view changed and Isaw that He is merciful and love all people […] and He forgave me and that changed5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 107my view on God. […] Like I said, for me, he is now like God the Father, like a fatherfor me, God. How He cared for me, always preparing a path for me, […] Before, itwas just a routine. I had to do it, go to church, because everybody was doing itand my parents were doing it, and now, I know I go to church because I want tobe with God.54 (Jannis, FDI, time 2)Basically, it has not has changed, my image of God because I believe in God. Butlife itself, it’s getting more difficult to maintain a relationship with God. […] Yes, soit’s a deep, amicable relationship with God. […] And so, everything that I do, I thinkthat’s what’s accompanying me. And for me, that’s the most important thing. So,yes, basically nothing has changed, it’s always been like that. Once stronger, thenweaker, that’s always a struggle, a daily struggle, for everyone. […] But, yes, youalways have to realize that we live in a world in which faith is not in top position.[…] And, of course, I have friends who believe and I have this whole communitythat I’m part of where everyone is faithful. It’s not too hard for me. And I standby it, strongly, and that’s why I’m not too bothered by this. [I: And what does yourimage of God mean for you today?] Still a big image of a father, of a protector andtrust, great trust, so to say, yes.55 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)At times 1 and 2, Jannis draws a line fromhis childhood faith to his current image ofGod.At both times, being brought up in a religious environment is presented as an importanttopic. At time 1, the image of God as father is brought up before he turns to his phase ofdisaffiliation, which is described with drastic terms (“Antichrist”). His conversion expe-rience is discussed in more detail above.The primary point here is that after that directexperiencewith the transcendence,he claims tohave foundback tohisold faithand to the“normal”way people believe.This is remarkable, considering that itmight be expected toreport some kind of changed approach to faith.However, Jannis perceives being faithfulas a desirable normand the time he spent away from this normas an unhappy exception.At time 1, his faith as described as oriented toward the Catholic church, even though headmits to experiencing ups and downs in his belief, which is justified with the topos ofthe flawed human being that he is.What is interesting at time 2 is that he describes his “down phase” as well, but in con-trast to his account at time 1, he says that he still maintained a relationship with God,albeit a strained one. It may even be argued that his external struggles and adolescentrebellion aremirrored in his internal struggle and fights with God.His conversion expe-rience still plays an important role, but in a different way: he is not brought back to God,but he realizes thatGodwasnot at fault for this difficult time,but only Jannis himselfwasto blame. After this, he claims to have changed his view on God, and unlike at time 1, itdoes not seem as if he just returned to his old faith. Instead, he has renewed his relation-ship and given it a different basis by not just following routines, but embracing practicesout of his own accord.This is a very different emphasis than at time 1.At time 3, the difficult phase during puberty is not taken up in his answer (and, ashas been described above, does not play such a big role in his whole account). Rather,the focus is on the continuity of his faith. But there is still some bad influence reportedthis time, coming from “life itself” and a “world in which faith is not a top priority.”Thiscriticism of the secular society was also found in his answer to question 20 (see above).This conflict with society leads to struggles within himself andwith his own faith or with108 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesGod. In the end, his trust in God is strong and he feels supported by the community hemainly stays in.This point is made stronger here than in his other interviews, probablydue to the fact that he is now more able to engage in other social relationships than inthe years before that with his children being older. His image of God as a father and as aprotecting entity, is emphasized in the interview and can also be found in his answers onthe Representation of God scale in which the benevolent God is the most prevalent facetfor him.Morality in Jannis’s Interviews—Talking about EvilFor Jannis, his religious beliefs are formative for him and are the foundation for his ac-tions and the upbringing of his children. An orientation toward fixed authorities and apriority of religious rules compared to other moral rules can be found throughout hisinterviews. The belief in the supremacy of his own faith is made more explicit when hetalks about the evil in the world:I feel like the evil in the world is always getting stronger. Even though there aremany people who believe and pray and convert many people, the evil is still there,and it will stay until, let’s say, the Catholic Church says, Jesus has returned. Afterthat, the evil will be gone, but for now, it is still on the rise. A lot of people areagainst the church. That is evil too. For me at least. Like Antichrist. Satanism andAntichrist, that’s evil. […] I am not the expert, but I know that quite well. I cancomment on that and I have had my experiences. This is evil. (Jannis, FDI, time1)56He is convinced that the evil in the world can be extinguished by the second coming ofChrist, but as long as that does not happen, evil people will keep gettingmore power, de-spite religious people doing their best to convert them.With referral to his biographicalbackground hemakes a strong autobiographical argument by saying that he himself hasexperienced what it is like to meddle with those evil powers, stating that anti-Christiantrends are evil.Interestingly, his answer to that question has a different twist ten years later:So, evil is anything that brings us to commit sins. The evil basically is the so-calleddevil. […] Just believing in God and negating the existence of the devil, that’s wrong.But I am sure, and I believe, or I know that God is stronger than the devil, that’s whyI’m not afraid of him. […] There are a lot of people who say, “Oh, the devil. Don’tspeak about him,” but for me that’s not the case. […] What is not light becomesdark, something like that.57 (Jannis, FDI, time 2)In thefirst quote,his focus is on how the evil in theworld is becoming stronger andfight-ing against the evil forces is mandatory. In the second quote, it instead sounds like goodand evil are both necessary parts of human life, and one cannot exist without the other.Speaking of “the so-called devil” points to a reflective distance he did not yet have at time1. Maintaining equilibrium seems to be the main objective for Jannis. This points to adevelopment: The evil becomes less terrifying, and that may be due to the fact that Jan-5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 109nis is now more stable in his new-found faith than he was at time 1. He does not feelthreatened anymore. Due to a developed (self-)reflective distance, there is obviously lessnecessity for keeping the evil “outside,” but he can face him as a part of human life.In his third interview, the devil topic is taken up again when he is asked to explainwhat causes evil:Well, in Christianity, we believe in God, but at the same time in the devil too. Thedevil is not a god, he is just an angel that withstood God or did not want to listenor was disobedient. And through this devil, we believe evil was put into humans.[…] And of course, humans commit sins, the devil is constantly working on this, it’sa fight between God and the devil, he always tries to take advantage of them andGod tries to win them over with the greatest love. And God does not do this withviolence, instead He granted us the free will and you can decide for or against it. […]Temptation may exist in different things, […] pornography for me is a temptationwhich is the devil, but also all this murder and the violence. […] From the secularview, a murder has happened, a person has killed someone, and that’s really bad.[…] And that can be explained in a secular, juridical way, but it can also be explainedwith my faith.58 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)Jannis takes some time to explain the theological background of his concept of evil be-cause the interviewer asked him to do so. Thereby, he unfolds the basis of his faith dif-ferently than he did before: the focus is on the struggle between God and devil, but on amore abstract, theological level than in the other interviews.Thismay be interpreted as aformof copingwith his own background of having fallen from faith, of having given in tothe temptation the devil had offered.He emphasizes that God’s strongest weapon is Hislove and the free will that He has granted humankind. Jannis has in the end chosen the“good” side, and his elaborations need not remain as personal as at time 2. In the end,he even arrives at drawing a comparison with the secular system of judging good andevil, implying that this is basically the same principle as the clerical path he is following.This, as well as other examples mentioned above, hints to a certain openness or maybe atolerance toward other approaches, even though this always remains vague. His focus isdecidedly on his Christian belief and value system that he still deems superior, or at leastmore than sufficient for himself and his family.5.2.4 Jannis’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataLooking at results from his survey (Table 11), one can see some interesting scores for Jan-nis.110 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 11: Selected Data from Jannis’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Jannis M(SD) Jannis M(SD) Jannis M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings4.60 2.63(1.17)5.00 2.42(1.12)5.00 2.60 (1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice4.20 4.35(0.38)4.40 4.28(0.51)5.00 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-reli-gious dialog2.20 3.64(0.75)2.80 3.57(0.76)2.80 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 4.14 3.67(0.59)3.00 3.20(0.40)3.57 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 4.14 3.67(0.71)4.29 3.72(0.59)3.57 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.86 4.38(0.38)4.57 4.17(0.39)4.29 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers4.57 3.86(0.65)4.71 3.9(0.62)4.43 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 4.29 3.77(0.61)4.29 3.76(0.51)3.57 3.64 (0.50)self-acceptance 4.43 3.79(0.68)4.57 3.86(0.62)4.00 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.75 3.42(0.78)3.58 3.40(0.70)3.33 3.40(0.68)extraversion 3.75 3.26(0.58)3.42 3.25(0.58)3.58 3.20 (0.56)openness to experience 3.92 3.90(0.47)3.67 3.89(0.49)3.58 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 4.42 3.74(0.46)4.25 3.73(0.44)3.92 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 4.33 3.70(0.49)4.33 3.76(0.51)3.83 3.78(0.50)His scores for ttt are one to two standard deviations higher than the average and evenreach a maximum of 5 in waves 2 and 3. When reading his interviews, it becomes clearthat he has an almost literal belief in the Bible and the word of God, which is similar tohis wife’s. His score for xenos is substantially lower than the sample mean. However, itrises considerably inwave 2 and is nearly within the range of themean at that timepoint.Xenosophia being defined as the wisdom that might emerge from the encounter withthe strange (Streib, 2018), one can see here that Jannis has developed more of that reli-5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 111gious schema, which also reflects in his answers in the interview. On the Ryff Scale, onesees that Jannis’s scores on purpose in life and self-acceptance are stable or slightly higherin waves 1 and 2 with his values being higher than the average of the total sample. Thisindicates that he has settled down and is at peacewith his environment and contentwithhis life, possibly because of his family situation and his stable faith along with his rela-tionship with God. Interestingly and not quite explainable by his interview answers, onesees a drop in both of those subscales inwave 3,mirroring the downwardmovement thathas also been reported for Bianca. Remarkably, one also finds a drop in his scores on theNEO-FFI subscales agreeableness and conscientiousness, both of which were scored high inthe first two waves. While his scores are still within the range of the sample, this mighthint to a personal or professional crisis that is not addressed in the interview.Turning to his ratings in the structural analysis of the FDIs, it becomes clear thatthere is not much development to be found here.They focus on style 3 (mutual religiousstyle), indicating that Jannis is mainly concerned with interpersonal relationships likemeeting the expectations of others andoverall applying a rather conventional andgroup-oriented approach to the world. This does not seem to mirror in the structure of hisanswers. Ratings according to the Manual stay more or less constant over time, whichalso makes him a “stayer” in type 2, a predominantly conventional type whose overallapproach to questions of faith and meaning-making stays constantly within a range ofconventions mostly offered by the Catholic church. Thus, Jannis is portrayed here as a“stayer,” a person who stays within his faith tradition and whose religious type does notchange over the course of his three interviews. Yet, as the content analysis has shown,Jannis did leave the faith he was brought up in, even though there never was a formal de-conversion. On coming back, he saw his old childhood faith with new eyes. He could ap-preciate again the teachings, the morality, and the community that this faith provided.This story arc recalls the pathway described by Josselson (2017) in which some of thosethat were found to be searchers as college students in later life settled down and be-came guardians, metaphorically or literally guarding the traditions they grew up in andwhich they had left for a time.Over the years, Jannis has become surer of himself and hisfaith. His approach at looking at his past life has changed with that, too.The story of hisre-conversion still has an important function in his life narrative and cumulates in thestatement at time 2: “Yes, this conversion or this turning back from unbelief to belief, Iwould say that it simply saved my life,” making this story a religious identity narrativewith a clearer arc of tension at time 2 and, overall, can be identified as the leitmotif of hisinterviews. At time 3, the story is less structured again and resembles a stream of con-sciousness inwhich he lets himself be led by the emotions that are closely connectedwiththis experience.This is not in accordance with his overall appearance at time 3 since hisoverall attitude seems to becomemore analytical over the years.112 Leitmotifs in Life Stories5.3 Bianca and Jannis—Comparison and ConclusionBianca and Jannis were very young when they were interviewed for the first time. Theywere already married and had just had their first child, which is unusual in German so-ciety59. This couple offered the possibility to accompany two people from emerging toyoung adulthood. And while for most of their peers this phase may be characterized bysearching movements and by finding their place in life, it seems that Bianca and Jan-nis have found that place already, and it has become clear in the analyses above that thiscan be attributed to their strong faith. However, the way they talk about that faith, theirlives, their family, and their relationship differs. Jannis lays an emphasis on the stabi-lizing and defining aspect faith has for their marriage and for himself, and this staysconstant over all of his interviews, at times granting this relationship an almost holycoalition. In Bianca’s accounts, while also emphasizing the importance their faith hasfor them as a family, the relationship does not get such a special role. At time 3, she ismore concerned with the more secular aspects of being a long-term couple. Moreover,Bianca talks at length about the problems with their eldest son at time 3, which is notmentioned by Jannis.Thismay be seen as a sign that Bianca ismore responsible for such“worldly”matters, yet it is implied in her account that the conflict mainly exists betweenher and her son, which may not involve Jannis. The community along with his wife andchild iswhat secured Jannis’ faithwhenhewas still “new” to it, and this aspect gainsmoreimportance in his account,while Bianca’s faith never was somuch at stake and thereforethis is not a crucial part of her definition of her relationshipwith Jannis.However,Biancadoes report a time of doubt during puberty as well. But for her, this was not a problemwith her faith itself, but rather with justifying it in front of her peers and her secular sur-roundings. Her way to deal with this conflict was to find an intellectual approach andto consume literature, thereby putting her faith on more solid ground and even leadingto a deepening. This intellectual approach is missing from Jannis’s accounts. He is veryfocused on the experience dimension and on the emotions that are associated with be-ing faithful. This is interesting and unexpected since with the other two couples in thisstudy, it is the other way around, with the women being more focused on feeling andcommunity, while their husbands take a more abstract approach.The connection with the church is important for both participants. The analysis oftheir answers to question 20 has revealed that they both cannot imagine being faithfulwithout the attachment to a community and compliance to the rules of the church. Jan-nis finds a nice way to verbalize this in his third interview when asked to talk about hisspiritual praxis:I do different forms of prayer, those are given to us by the Bible, but also by thechurch and various saints. I meditate. I’d rather not call it meditation, for me it’sworship. I worship the Eucharist, which means, the suffering of Christ. […] Medita-tion means to go inward for oneself. I personally go outward and I devote myself.[…] People of different faith, whom I tolerate, most of them at least, but they medi-tate a lot. They go inward, for themselves, because they believe the human himselfis God, something like that, at least some believe that. That’s why they meditatefor themselves. And for us, for Christians, it’s like, the soul is there, the soul speaks5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 113with God and is not inwardly alone and by itself. And that’s why for me it’s worship,I worship Him, I talk to God personally on one level.60 (Jannis, FDI, time 3)For him, directing his prayers outward onto God is an important pillar of his faith, andhe feels rooted in the Christian community. Only praying for themselves would meanfor both Bianca and Jannis not to be part of that community. Tolerance is mentioned inpassing here as well,when Jannis talks about people of different faith, but they primarilyserve the purpose to distinguish himself from them. Overall, people who have differentfaiths or worldviews are not part of their close community.What is the leitmotif that weaves through Bianca and Jannis’s account of their lives?Being faithful Christians is the most prominent theme, which can be found throughoutall of their interviews.The nuances change a bit over time and differ slightly between thetwo of them.While Bianca brings up somemore worldly topics in her last interview andexplicitly stresses her ambitions to pass onwhat is important for her,which suggests thepresence of generativity, Jannis does not do this. Instead, there seems to be a threat or achallenge coming from the outside,which comes into focus themost at time 3 andwhichmaywell have to dowith his teenage son now facing that same temptation that he had todeal with when he was that age. However, this is not made explicit.Notes1 Die [Leute in der Schule] haben mich [nach dem Papst] gefragt und das hat michgeärgert, wenn ich sage: „Ich glaube und stehe dahinter, und kann es aber nichterklären.“ Das fand ich blöd, und darum habe ich mich da rein gelesen.2 Also, das könnte man schon einteilen. Zum Beispiel erst mal in Kindheit, Jugend,(lachend) Erwachsensein, vielleicht. Und ja, wichtige Ereignisse waren auf jedenFall (lachend) die Pubertät. Da (lacht) macht man ja so seine eigene Meinungsbil-dung durch.Und (leise) ja. Vielleicht so persönliche Ereignisse, wie sich die Familieverändert hat, wenn welche gestorben sind oder neue geboren sind, so in der Rich-tung vielleicht.3 Und dann… ja, dann kam ich (lachend) in die Pubertät, und dann hab ich mir dannschon auch ernsthaft meine Gedanken gemacht. Dann habe ich auch in der Schu-le andere Einflüsse mitgekriegt, von welchen, die jetzt gar nichts glauben oder an-ders glauben.Dannhatman sich halt schon stärker damit auseinandergesetzt.Unddann gab’s auch so ne Zeit, wo ich ein bisschen davon abgekommen bin, vomGlau-ben. Weil irgendwie hatte ich auch keinen Bock mehr, dann sonntags in ne Kirchezu gehen, weil dann wollte ich halt ausschlafen undmeine Ruhe haben.4 Also zumBeispiel würde ich jetzt so sagen: Kindheit, Jugend, ja, Erwachsenenalter.Oder beziehungsweise da ich ja verheiratet bin, vielleicht so Ehe und Familie oderso, ne? [I: Und welche Ereignisse sind rückblickend besonders bedeutsam für Sie?]Ja gut, in der Kindheit gab es natürlich viele wichtige Ereignisse. Zum Beispiel Fei-ern oder wenn jetzt jemand aus der Verwandtschaft gestorben ist oder so was. Unddann in der Jugend, ja, sicher auch das Abkapseln von den Eltern oder das Abitur114 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesoder die Ausbildung. Dann natürlich die Hochzeit und ... wir haben ja Kinder, dieGeburten. So was, ne.5 Natürlich auch so die Ideen und Vorstellungen der Kirche und vom Papst finde ichimmer ganz interessant. Auch, dass man das mal hinterfragt, und ich habe das ei-gentlich immer schon so gemacht. Vor allem damals so im Alter von 16, 17, 18, wennman so seine eigenen Erfahrungen machen will. Bis dahin habe ich ja auch immerden Weg verfolgt des Glaubens und der Kirche und so und irgendwann fragt mansich halt, ne: „Der Papst ist ja ein clevererMann,warum ist der gegenPille undKon-dom und so was?“ Und das habe ich mir auch beibehalten, dass ich so was immernochhinterfrage.Wennmandamitredenwill,mussman ja auch sich selberda rein-lesen, dass man das auch vertreten kann, diese Meinung, ne. Und das ist mir haltauch wichtig, so was. Und warum ist mir das wichtig? Ja, weil ich das auch meinenKindern vermitteln will halt eigentlich, ne, […] weil das fürmich halt so ein Lebens-mittelpunkt ist und wo ich auch viel Kraft rausschöpfe und deswegen halt, ne?6 Hm, ichdenkemal so, erstmalKindheit, Jugend,Erwachsenenalter.DannvielleichtEhe und Familie. [I: Nachwelchen Kriterien haben Sie jetzt diese Abschnitte vorge-nommen?] Tja. (lächelt) Ich glaube, das ist eigentlich so ... normal, also dass man,wenn man ein Leben unterteilt, dass man ... ja, weiß ich nicht, das fiel mir jetztals erstes ein. […] [I: Können Sie mir vielleicht zu den einzelnen Phasen noch einbisschen was sagen?] Die Kindheit ist ja erst mal, wo man selber noch Kind ist undviel lernt durch Eltern, durch das soziale Umfeld, durch eigene Erfahrungen. Manwächst und entdeckt die Welt selber. Und, ja, ich denke mal, mit der Pubertät än-dert sich das dann,dann kommtman so langsam indie Jugend, ins Erwachsenenal-ter und lernt halt ja, das Leben auf eine andere Art kennen. Vielleicht durch Schule,durch Freunde,durch erste Beziehungen oder durchBeruf,Ausbildung, sowas halt,ne.Und dann Erwachsenenalter, ja,man geht arbeiten,man heiratet vielleicht oderauch nicht. (lächelt)WennmanKinder kriegt, das ist sowieso dannwieder ein ganzanderer Einschnitt. [I: Und Sie würden Ihren eigenen Lebenslauf auch in diesem-ja, das klang jetzt gerade so ein bisschen so nach so einemNormlebenslauf, dawür-den Sie sich da auch wiederfinden?] Eigentlich schon, ja. Also mein Leben ist auchbis jetzt so derNormentsprechend (lächelt) etwa.Obwohl,manche sagen,ne,wennman eine gewisse Zeit verheiratet ist, ist ja nicht mehr üblich heute, (lacht) […]. Ja,viele sagen: Wie? Echt? Solange schon immer mit dem Gleichen? Das ist ja leiderheute nicht mehr so üblich, ne.7 Ich bin halt katholisch erzogen worden, meine Eltern haben das auch sehr prakti-ziertmit uns.Und das habe ich halt auch angefangen zu hinterfragen in der Puber-tät, weil ich gesagt habe: Irgendwo weiß ich, dass das richtig ist, was die glauben.Aber ichwill das jetzt nicht glauben,weil die das glauben, sondernweil ich fürmichwissen wollte, was ist jetzt für mich der Grund, warum ich das glaube, ne. Dass icheinfach selbstständig mich dafür entscheiden wollte und nicht nur, weil ich es sogelernt habe.8 In der Schule hat man mich immer als Hyper-Katholik betitelt. (lacht) Weil, diewussten das halt, dass ich gläubig bin und das auch lebe. Und das hat mich eigent-lich nicht weiter gestört, weil… also ich hatte trotzdem da meine Freundinnen inder Klasse und die haben das dann auch so akzeptiert, ne. Aber, ja, es waren halt5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 115immer viele, die da jetzt auch nichts mit anfangen konnten in der Schule, die ha-benmich dann natürlich immer da gestichelt undmich da immer herausgefordert.Und daswar halt vielleicht auch irgendwo der Anstoß.Weil, dann kamen die natür-lich zumir und sagten, ne, das ist ja immer dieseThemen Papst, Pille und Kondomund all diese Sachenmit Verhütung.Damit kommen die ja dann (lächelt) in der Pu-bertät gerade, ne, weil das dann ja auch gerade spannend ist in dem Alter. Ja unddann habe ich eigentlich immer so überlegt, ich wusste zwar, dass das so ist in derKirche, aber ich habe das nicht verstanden, ne. Ich habe immer gedacht, der Papstist ja eigentlich ein gebildeter Mensch. (lächelt) Wieso kann der sowas sagen in derheutigen Zeit? Und dann habe ich halt angefangen, mich damit zu befassen. Dassich mich da weiter rein gelesen habe in die Thematik, warum der das jetzt so sagt.Und das hatmich halt überzeugt. Ich habe das dann fürmich einfach so annehmenkönnen. […] Die haben mich da gefragt und das hat mich geärgert, wenn ich sage:„Ich glaube und stehe dahinter, und kann es aber nicht erklären.“Das fand ich blöd,und darum habe ich mich da rein gelesen.9 Also jetzt, wo ich verheiratet bin, spreche ich erst mal mit meinemMann.Was derdazu meint, wie der das machen würde und was der mir rät. Und dann, ja, setzeich mich hin und unterhalte mich mit ihm. Und dann gucken wir halt, was dafürspricht oder dagegen.10 Ichdenke schon,dasswir aucheinegroßeFreiheit haben,selberEntscheidungenzutreffen und dass… Es gibt ja so das „auf jeden Topf passt ein Deckel“ und ... woherwill ich jetzt wissen, dass der Partner, den ich habe, der richtige ist? Und da hatmal irgendwer gesagt: „In dem Moment, wo man dann halt vor Gott auch, wennman jetzt kirchlich heiratet, sich dann das Versprechen gibt, […] das ist dann derRichtige für dich.Weil du hast dich entschieden.“ Und dass sein eigenerWille auchnoch einen großen Aspekt mitspielt und dass Gott nicht einfach sagt: „So. Ne, dasist jetzt der einzig Richtige und wenn du den nicht findest, hast du Pech gehabt,sondern dass unsere Entscheidungen da auch mit reinspielen darf. Und dass Gottdann das auch anerkennt, wenn wir dazu stehen dann, ne. […] In dem Moment,wo ich dann vor Gott mich für diesen Mann entscheide, dass der dann zu meinemrichtigen wird. Dass Gott dann seinen Segen dazu gibt, also wenn ich mich dafürentscheide undmein Ja gebe, dass Gott dann auch sein Ja dazu gibt.11 Das ist ja eigentlich im besten Fall auch eine gute Freundschaft, ne, zwischen denEhepartnern. Doch, das würde ich auch sagen, dass wir halt schauen, dass wir ge-meinsame Interessen auch pflegen, dassman zusammenwas unternimmt im gan-zen Alltagsstress. Dass man sich auch Zeit füreinander nimmt und noch so kleineMomente hat, woman auchmal zu zweit ist, ohne Kinder […]. Ja, dass man weiter-hin immer im Gespräch bleibt und offen ist und ehrlich. Und ja, einfach die Bezie-hung pflegt, dass sie nicht kaputt geht oder dass man sich nicht auseinanderlebt.12 Ich glaube,meine Familie gibt mir auf jeden Fall den Sinn, auch jetzt meine eigeneFamilie, mein Kind. Also das ist erst mal so der auf der Hand liegende Sinn, (la-chend) sag ich mal, dass man halt für sein Kind da ist, und für den Mann und sohalt alles regelt, dass das Kind gut erzogen wird.13 Also Verpflichtungen vielleicht gegenüber meiner Familie, meinem Kind. Und ichhab mir schon vorgenommen, dass ich dem auch so die Werte beibringen möchte,116 Leitmotifs in Life Storieswie ich sie so erlebe. Ich möchte den auch eigentlich so erziehen, dass er irgend-wann mal so seinen Weg findet. Und ich denke, dass ich den auch im Glauben soerziehen möchte, dass ich den erst mal mitnehme zur Kirche, bis er dann mal sel-ber anfängt, und auch selbermal nachfragt.Weil das finde ich wichtig, ich find dasnicht gut, wennman das alles so hundertprozentig von den Eltern übernimmt. Ichglaub,manmuss sich schon sein eigenes Bild auch machen, weil sonst hat das kei-nen Sinn, sonst bricht das irgendwann zusammen,wennman das selber nicht hin-terfragt, und dann steht man da und sagt, hm.14 Unser großer Sohn, der ist ja imMoment (lacht) in der Pubertät. Das zählt, glaubeich, alsKrise. (lacht)Nein, ach,der hat halt so einigeDinge auch,wowir immerwie-der aneinandergeraten.Undwas ich ihmaber auchzugestehenmuss,weil er geradeauch in dieser Phase ist, wo er selber für sich Dinge klar haben will, ne. Und selbersich abnabelnwill und Sachen hinterfragt,was ich ja auch gemacht habe in demAl-ter. Das kann ich ihm ja jetzt nicht vorwerfen. (lächelt) Aber trotzdem ist es schonkrasser als bei mir und da muss ich auch erst mal lernen, mit umzugehen, ne. Istauch ein Junge, ist auch nochmal was anderes, als wenn es jetzt ein Mädchen wäre,denke ich, ne. Und ja, das ist halt auch, ich bin dann halt immer sofort emotionalsehr aufgebracht und kann das manchmal auch nicht so, dass ich mir da Abstandgebe, ne. Dass ich mich zurückziehe oder so. Sondern, ich bin dann irgendwie, ja,mitten drin. (lächelt) Und damuss ich halt lernen, dass ich da auchmit umgehe, ne.15 Übersinnliche Erfahrungen und Erlebnisse, die eindeutig auf die Existenz Gotteszurückzuführen sind zu haben (Wunder, unerklärliche Phänomene).16 ImGebetmit Gott eins zu sein, sich ihmüberlassen, sich zu öffnen und seinenWil-len zu suchen.17 An die Lehre der (in meinem Fall) Katholischen Kirche zu glauben und nach ihr zuleben.18 Die Gebote und Gesetze der Kirche zu befolgen, die hl Messe zu feiern, die Sakra-mente zu empfangen.19 Ich denke schon, dass ich gläubig bin, auf jeden Fall. Und das bedeutet für mich,dass ich versuche so zu leben, wie es der katholischen Kirche entspricht, weil icheben dazu gehöre. Und das heißt, dass ich auch regelmäßig zur Messe gehe, undbete. Und ich versuche auch, wenn ich zum Beispiel Freunde oder Bekannte sehe,die irgendwie total amBoden zerstört sind,weil irgendwas Schlimmes passiert ist.Da versuch ich schon denen beizustehen. Auf irgend ne Art, ja, ich bete dann auchviel für Andere, das, finde ich, gehört auch dazu. Ich glaube halt, dass das Gebetsehr, sehr wichtig ist. Für die ganzeWelt, und für jeden Einzelnen auch, weil wennmanmalwirklich davon ausgeht, dass es einenGott gibt, sag ich,dann istGebet dasWichtigste,weil man ja dann somit ihm in Kontakt tritt, und dass er dann auch, ja,Dinge lenken kann oder auch uns seinenWeg zeigen kann.20 Ich bin schon gläubig und auch religiös, also, das bedeutet fürmich schon, dass ichauch bestrebt bin, sonntags zur Messe zu gehen und das auch meinen Kinder zuvermitteln und dass wir auch mehrmals am Tag beten und ja, einfach versuchen,Gott in der Welt zu finden und ihm nachzufolgen. Auch in der Bibel lesen oder inanderen christlichen Schriften. Halt, dass man das auch praktiziert, ne, was manglaubt. […] Viele sagen ja auch: „Ich glaube, aber ich brauche die Kirche dafür nicht,5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 117aber das ist für mich eigentlich der entscheidende Punkt. Weil Jesus die Kirche jagegründet hat und in der Eucharistie können wir ihm leibhaftig begegnen und dasist fürmich das wichtigste, weil was soll ichmit einem guten Freund,wenn ich dennicht auch (schmunzelnd) besuche? Oder, ne?21 Ich glaube, alles drei. (lacht) Aber ichweißnicht,das schließt sichnicht so aus,findeich. Klar, spirituell, das trifft vielleicht auch auf so esoterische Dinge zu, das binich jetzt nicht. Aber spirituell kann ja auch heißen, dass man, ja, irgendwie so einespezielle Verbindung hat zu Gott oder zu, keine Ahnung, demHimmel […] Ich habeja eben erzählt, dass ich manchmal auch so Träume habe. Das würde vielleicht fürmichunter spirituell fallen. […] [Religiös/gläubig sein],das ist halt dasWichtigste soinmeinemLeben,dass ich da auch vielWert drauf lege und danach lebe. [I:WürdenSie nochmal unterscheiden zwischen religiös und gläubig?] Ich glaube, fürmich istes das Gleiche. Aber ich könntemir vorstellen, dass es auchMenschen gibt, die sichals religiös bezeichnen, die […] vielleicht gar nicht so von innerlich glauben können,aber nach außen hin halt religiös sein wollen […] Oder anders rum,wer gläubig ist,[…] und dann sagt: „Ich glaube an Gott, aber ich brauche dafür die Kirche nicht so.“Gibt es ja auch. Und da denke ich schon, dass es Unterschiede gibt, aber für michpersönlich gehört das zusammen.22 Also ich sagmal so, in der Kindheit bis so in das Alter, woman anfängt selber nach-zudenken, […], da war mein Gottesbild auf jeden Fall durch meine Eltern geprägt[…] und die habenmich dann auch immermit zurMesse genommen, […]. Alsomei-ne Eltern haben das jetzt nicht so als strafenden Gott dargestellt. Das gibt’s ja oft,dass sie sagen, ja, wenn du jetzt nicht lieb bist, dann schimpft der Gott, oder so. […]Die haben das eigentlich immer schon als liebenden Gott dargestellt. Und dann…also meine persönliche Bekehrung hat halt hauptsächlich stattgefunden durch denWallfahrtsort. […] Ja, sind wir da recht früh hingefahren. […] Und da bin ich dannauch irgendwie mit reingewachsen, dass man da ein ganz anderes Gottesbild be-kommt.Weil wennman an demOrt ist, dann… spürt man einfach, dass da irgend-was Übernatürliches passiert und man empfindet ganz starken Frieden und so neLiebe und so ne Ruhe einfach. […] Ja, und so hat sich das Gottesbild eigentlich im-mer mehr gefestigt. Und das ist auch heute noch so, dass ich eigentlich ein rechtpositives Gottesbild hab, und, ähm, klar hatmanmanchmal seine Zweifel, aber dasgehört so dazu,mein ich. Undman wächst ja auch weiterhin. (lacht)23 Ich denke, mein Gottesbild hat sich schon weiter entwickelt. Halt durch die ver-schiedenen Erfahrungen auch, dass man da in allem reifer geworden ist. Klar, vorwasweiß ichwieviel Jahren,da denktman ja nochnaiver und vielleicht nicht soweitins Voraus hinein, aber (seufzt leise) ja, mit Kindern da denkt man auch irgendwieganz anders über die Zukunft nach undüber dieWerte undüberhaupt übers Leben.Aber ich würde sagen, es hat sich positiv entwickelt, also man kann viele Sachenganz anders einschätzen […]. Also Gott istmir nachwie vor noch sehr, sehr wichtig,ist halt der wichtigste Bestandteil meines Lebens.24 […]Wennmanerwachsen ist bis zumTod,dassmanda immerweiter reift durchEr-fahrung, durch Begegnungen, durch Erlebnisse. Und dass das eigentlich nur nochein Wachstum ist. Also ich fühle mich schon gefestigt auch im Glauben und klar,hinterfrage das auch immerwieder. Auch,was so in der Kirche los ist. […] Jetzt zum118 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesBeispiel aktuell dieser ganze Missbrauchsskandal, was da immer mehr und mehrsich aufdeckt in der Weltkirche, ne. Das ist natürlich, das geht gar nicht. [I: Undbeeinflusst das Ihren persönlichen Glauben?] Also meinen Glauben nicht, weil ichglaube ja Gott und nicht an die Kirche. Also, ne, klar, wir gehen regelmäßig zur Kir-che. Und ich sehe das auch nach wie vor als eine von Gott gegebene Institution an,nur das Problem ist halt das Bodenpersonal. […] Ich finde, die Kirche müsste dieseMenschen, die sich da zumPriester bewerben, besser prüfen.Dass die gucken,washaben die eine Einstellung zur Sexualität? Was für eine Einstellung haben die, ja,hm, zu gesunden, (lächelt) also Bildern von Menschen? [I: Und wie würden Sie Ih-ren Glauben heute beschreiben?] Ja, auch das wächst immer noch. Ich habemal voreiniger Zeit ein sehr schönes Buch gelesen, […] und da wurde halt diese Beziehungzu Gott Vater nochmal anders aufgegriffen. Und das hat mir sehr weitergeholfen,dass ich jetzt nochmal eine ganz andere Herangehensweise habe. Dass ich somehrdiese Barmherzigkeit nachvollziehen kann und dass er wirklich wie so ein Papa istund eigentlich nur, ja, uns liebt.25 Viele denken ja, [die Bibel] ist ein altes Buch, ist verstaubt und ist heute nicht mehraktuell, aber das kann ich so nicht sagen. (schmunzelnd)Weil irgendwie steht dannimmer so die Lösung drin und ... das war wirklich witzig. […] Sind natürlich nurso kleine Sachen, wo jetzt jeder sagen würde: „War ein Zufall oder heißt jetzt wasanderes“, aber für uns war es dannwirklich so ein Zeichen. (lacht) Und dann hattenwir halt überlegt wirklich, ob wir bauen sollen […], ja, dann haben wir halt gebetetund (schmunzelnd) die Bibel aufgeschlagen […], das war dann halt dieses hier, woJosef den Traum hat, dass er mit Maria in ein anderes Land gehen soll. Und ja, weilwir bauen halt imNachbarort und dann war das so für uns: „Nimmdeine Frau unddeine Kinder und gehe in dieses (schmunzelnd) Nachbardorf“, (lachend) so unge-fähr.Also das sindhalt so Sachen.Unddas hat uns schonoft soweitergeholfen.Sinddann auch so witzige Stellen, (schmunzelnd) wo ich dann immer denke: „Gott hatauch echt Humor.“ (lacht) Ja, ich weiß nicht. Andere würden jetzt vielleicht sagen:„Ja, so einen Schwachsinn, weil das da halt steht, so eine Entscheidung zu treffen“,ne, aber für uns hat das auch gepasst und (schmunzelnd) bis jetzt habenwir es auchnoch nicht bereut.26 Also ja, wir beten halt vorher, dass Gott uns auch eine Antwort gibt, die wir dannauch verstehen und dann schlagen wir einfach irgendeine Stelle so auf. […]Manch-mal… das war jetzt auch schon, dass das dann so (schmunzelnd) alttestamentlicheTexte waren, wo keiner durchsteigt. (lacht) Und dann haben wir auch gesagt: „Nee,das haben wir jetzt nicht verstanden. Jetzt bitte mal konkreter.“ (lacht) Klar, unddann natürlich nehmen wir auch unsere eigenen Empfindungen: „Wollen wir dasjetzt oder nicht?“ Sonst hat das ja keinen Sinn, ne, wennman dann so was macht.27 Ja,zumBeispiel dasLeben jetzt an sich,das ist ja gerade inderheutigenGesellschaftsehr angegriffen. Sei es jetzt bei ungeborenen Kindern, dass die einfach abgetrie-ben werden. Und dass der Mensch sich einfach so da drüber stellt und sagt, ich binjetzt der Arzt, ich entscheide das jetzt und treibe diesesKind ab.Oder eben imAlter,dassman alten Leuten ne Spritze gibt, dass die dann ihren Frieden haben und nichtmehr leidenmüssen.Und ich glaube, das ist ein Schritt, da sollte sich die ganze Ge-sellschaft einig sein, geradewo es umLeben geht,weil ich finde,da hört der Bereich5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 119desMenschen auf, da,finde ich, habenwir keinRechtmehr uns einzumischen,weilda glaube ich zum Beispiel, dass es einfach Gottes Entscheidung ist, wann jemandgeboren wird oder stirbt. […] Und jeder hat ein Recht auf Leben. Jeder Mensch hatauch den Willen zu leben. […] Und das ist so’n Wert, finde ich, der richtig Prioritätauch haben sollte, das Leben an sich.28 Also ich finde es ganz wichtig, das Leben zu schützen. Diese ganze Debatte da umSterbehilfeundAbtreibung,dasfinde ich einfach so furchtbar,weil es ist...Wo führtdas denn hin? Ich meine, wir maßen uns ja echt schon an, Gott zu sein, indem wirüberall eingreifen. […] Da sollten alle wirklich einig sein und sagen: „Komm,bis da-hin undnichtweiter.“Auchmit diesen ganzen Forschungen an denEmbryonenundall so was. Also irgendwann finde ich hat der Mensch seine Finger da mal (lachend)rauszulassen.29 Ja,einfachdassmandenMenscheneinenwürdevollenTodgewährt.DassmannichteinfachhingehtunddemeineSpritze gibt oder eineMaschine abstellt.Also ichden-ke,dasSterben ist aucheinProzessundwir könnenunsnicht einfach immerdavon-machen und […] das Leid ausblenden, […]. Ich denke, ein schwieriger Sterbeprozessist auch ganzwichtig für denMenschen,dass er einfachmitGott insReine kommenkann. Aber gut, wenn keiner mehr an Gott glaubt, dann braucht man auchmit kei-nem ins Reinen kommen, also kannman auch so eineMaschine schneller abstellen,ne. Und ich habe das jetzt auch bei meiner Oma erlebt. […] Die ist zu Hause bei unsgestorben und das war einfach so schön und so ein friedlicher Tod und ich finde esschade, dass man da eingreifen will. Weil ich denke, für jeden Menschen [ist] dasganze Leben einWeg undmanmacht Erfahrungen und es sind Prozesse.Undwennman da einfach hingeht und das abschneidet, dann ist der Prozess nicht zu Ende.Und das finde ich, das ist nicht natürlich irgendwie.30 Jetzt ist vor [einiger Zeit] ein guter Freund von mir an Krebs gestorben. […] Undder hat über [soziale Medien] so ein Sterbetagebuch geführt. […] Man hat das mitdurchlitten. Und das war schon eine heftige Zeit. Weil... ich habe mich dann auchgefragt,was würde ichmachen,wenn ich in der Situationwäre, […]? Ja und das warauch wieder so eine Glaubenssache, wo ich gesagt habe: Würde Gott sowas zulas-sen? Und wenn ja, warum? Und wie würde es dann mit meinem Glauben stehen?Könnte ich das so annehmen oder würde ich jetzt irgendwie dadurch total abfal-len? (lächelt) Also das war schon also für mich auch wieder eine gute Zeit, weil imEndeffekt habe ich gesagt: Nein, weil, irgendwann sterben wir. Irgendwann sterbeich auch.Und ich finde eswichtig, sich damit auseinanderzusetzen. […] Und dieserFreund war leider nicht gläubig. Für ihn war es dann ganz wichtig, nochmal großeAktionen zu starten. Nochmal zu verreisen, seine ganze Beerdigung, alles, ein gro-ßesTohuwabohuzuplanen.Erwusste selbernicht,was jetzt kommt.Aber so richtigglaubenkonnte er auchnicht. Ja, ichhabedannviel für ihngebetet undgehofft,dasser dann irgendwie noch hinkommt,weil es ja auch irgendwo eineHoffnung ist undein Trost. Einfach so zu sterben und dann weg zu sein, das ist ja irgendwie, dann[…] ist ja nichts vonWert, ne, wenn alles weg ist nach dem Tod dann. [I: Das heißt,Ihre Antwort auf diese Frage wäre eine andere gewesen oder Ihr Umgangmit so ei-ner Situation?] Ja. Also das sage ich jetzt, wo ich nicht betroffen (lächelt) bin.Wennman in so einer Situation ist, ist es natürlich, weiß man ja nicht, wie man dann al-120 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesso...Obwohl […], ichmeine,wennmansoeinegrundlegendeLebenseinstellunghat,dass man dann nicht da ganz von ab kommt. […] Ich glaube schon, dass sich jetztmeine Einstellung dahingehend geändert hat, dass ich mehr hinschaue vielleichtoder offener bin dafür und auch sensibler, wenn sowas ist irgendwo, dass man dieLeute auch anders versteht, ne.31 Undda habe ich tiefe Erfahrungen in einWallfahrt gehabt. […] undda habe ichmei-ne Frau kennengelernt und hat sich wieder neu- ganz neuer Abschnitt. […] Ja, dieseKonvertierung oder diese Umkehr wieder von die Unglaube zu Glaube, das hat mir... ich würde sagen,mein Leben […] einfach gerettet.32 Jannis has been portrayed aswell in Bullik, Keller, and Silver (2022), yet that chapteronly refers to his first two interviews. Analyses referring to these first interviewshavebeen taken fromthis chapter andcarefully adapted tofit the researchquestionsof this study.33 Also ersteEreigniswar fürmicheinfachals ichKindwarundSchule,daswareinfachso normales Lebensjahr, ne. Einfach glauben. Gelehrt, also Katechismusglauben,ne. Am Anfang, ich hab nur gelernt, was Gott ist und so. Und [in den 90er Jahren]ungefähr, das war, krass gesagt, das krasse Leben gehabt. Also richtig schlimmesLeben gehabt. Schwarzes Leben,würde ich sagen. Fürmich war das so’n schwarzesLeben, weil da hatte ich keinen Blick mehr. Und äh [danach] ja, … Umwandlung.Von diese schwarze Leben zum, sagen wir, weißes Leben.Meine Titel. Und jetzt istglückliches Leben.34 Ja. Äh gab’s. Die ich gesagt habe, 9X, 9X, genau weiß ich nicht, das Jahr. War nichtso auf ein Tag, ne. Das war immer. Als ich äh- ja, Herz und Liebesbeziehung. Unddiewar nicht so gut. Erste Problem.Das ist vor der Pubertät Problem, jeder hat das.Das ist so ne Belastung. Ich hab mit Freunde gesprochen, die Freunde waren aberfürmich- sie habenmir gesagt, komm, […] lass uns Hardrock hören oder […] Sagenwir, geh mal in Disco mit mir und tanz und äh vergiss alles, ne. Und da hab ich gutgefühlt, hab ich gesagt, ja, ok. Da bin ich ein bisschen mit Hardrock mehr äh zu-sammen, also gezogen. Ich habmehrHardrock gefühl- gehört. Ich war so weit wegvon Gott, ich hab gar nicht gedacht an Gott. (nachdrücklich) Überhaupt nicht. AberHardrock, dasMusik hatmich gefallen. Aber fürmich war nicht nur schöneMusik,war so Erleichterung, also hab ich immer- Ne. Man hört jetzt jeder fast hier, alsoüberall, ne. Das ist schöne Musik. […] Meine Eltern. Und äh als ich Pubertät ange-fangen,das fast jedes Kind, daswird ein bisschen von denElternweg,weil Pubertätist schwer.35 Und wie gesagt, ab der Pubertät musste ich halt selber ein bisschen rebellieren,musste ich ein bisschen selber erfahren und hatte ich auchmalmeine Tief undmei-ne Probleme […] habe ich mich entfernt von der Religion. […] Es gibt auch negativeBeziehungen, […] Das war diese Freund-Beziehung, hatte ich auch gute Freunde,aber ... gleichzeitig auch sehr schlechte Freunde.Unddiemichwirklich […] schlech-te Wege gezeigt haben. Und da ist auch hat mich in mein persönliche geändert. [I:Inwiefern? Also so die typischen Jugendbeziehungen?] Jugendbeziehung, aber auchgleichzeitig kann, ja. so wie Heavy Metal […]. Ich ... Heavy Metal, das muss nichtnegativ sein, aber auch in eine negative Richtung von Heavy Metal gegangen, inder Richtung von alles Mögliche, was man so Schlechte… Also das hat sich beein-5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 121flusst. Schlechte Freunde kann man (lachend) immer haben, [I: (lacht)] muss manaber nicht, ne... […] Es gab schlechte Beziehungen, […] also eine Freundin.Wir ha-ben immer Krise gehabt […] Und auch hatte ich mit die Schule Probleme, also daswaren mehrere Sachen: Pubertät, immer rebellieren, also das hat alles auf einmal.Und da hatte ich keinen (Menschen), der neben mir gezeigt: „Komm, ich zeige dirdenWeg“, so ungefähr. Und da bin ich verloren gegangen.36 Ja,mehrere Kapitelmuss ich denn nennen.Also Anfangs-Abschnitt ist erstmal Ler-nenundmittlererAbschnitt, ja,Ausprobieren,Erfahrungen sammeln.Und jetzigenKapitel würde ich sagen erst mal als Titel, ja, weiter Erfahrung sammeln, aber, ja,Leben. Das ist ein guter Abschnitt, Leben. (lacht) [I: Können Sie zu diesen einzel-nen Kapiteln noch ein bisschen mehr erzählen?] Ja, also Lernen-Kapitel ist mehroder weniger, wo man von Anfang an, Schulzeit bis Studium oder bis Ausbildungund dann irgendwann auch, ich meine, auch diese ganze, bis man 18 ist, lernt manviel. […] Am Ende, nach 18, fängt man an halt zu arbeiten teilweise oder weiter zustudieren. Und da nennt man halt Erfahrung statt Lernen, würde ich also sagen.Und dann am Ende ist es halt so, die Erfahrung, hat man das und das Lernen hatman auch schon. Klar, meine Mutter sagt: Kann man nie aufhören zu lernen. […][I: Haben Sie da auch Beispiele dafür?] Ja, also meine Beispiele ist halt, wenn manauf beruflichen Gang gehen, dass man halt, klar, ich habe studiert, […] und dannirgendwann habe ich jetzt so viele Erfahrungen gesammelt in diesen Bereich undjetzt, das fand ich so interessant, daswar fürmich alles neu. […] Privatbereich, klar,Familie. Das ist auch in der Zeit, wo auch parallel dazu die Familie entstanden istund so weiter. Und da war auch für mich alles neu. Kinder zu haben und alles. Istauch eine Erfahrung. Positive Erfahrung. […] Ich habe ja durchmeine Arbeit, durchmeine ganze Erfahrung gesammelt, ich kann weitergeben auch anmeine Kinder.37 Es gab positive und gab es negative [Beziehungen]. Klar, man hat auch negativeFreunde gehabt, die auch negativ beeinflusst. Das war während meiner Pubertät-Phase.Das ist eigentlich so das Schlechte, dasman so haben kann. Aber auch nach-her, nachdem ich geheiratet habe, hatte ich auch durch diese ganze Gesellschafthalt, hatte ich auch positive Freunde, die mich auch gestärkt haben, durch auchGlauben dazu und auch freundschaftlich mäßige. Ja, die beiden Aspekte hatte ich.[…] Negativ beeinflusst wurde ich in alles probieren lassen, was man so gibt im Pu-bertätszeit oder auch viele, ja, Alkohol einbezogen und alles drum und dran. Unddas war eigentlich negativ, meiner Meinung, also die Erfahrung war jetzt nicht soschön, Nachhinein gesehen. Klar, währenddessen ist man einfach stumpf- ja, mit-ten drin. Nachhinein finde ich das zwar schlecht und deswegen auch, fand ich, eswar negative Erfahrung, aber es ist eine Erfahrung. (lächelt) […] Weil, wenn man,klar,wennman ab und zu trinkt, ist kein Problem,aberwennman zu viel trinkt undzuvielBlödsinnmacht,dannwirdesdannnegativ. [I:HabenSiedaaucheinBeispielfür die positiven Beziehungen?] […] Als ich geheiratet habe oder kurz vorher, neu-en Glauben wieder erfahren habe, in meinen Glauben wieder zurück, christlichenGlauben zurück gekehrt bin. Und war ich ganz frisch, jugendlich in diesem Sinne,vom Glauben, und da haben meine Freunde, die auch gläubig sind, haben sie michgestärkt in diesenGlauben. [I: Also Sie haben sich von IhremGlauben,meinten Sie,entfernt und sinddannaberwieder zurückgekommen?]Genau,durchdie Pubertät,122 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdurch schlechte Freunde, habe ichmeinen Glauben entfernt. Habe ich ganz andereSachen, Vordergrund gebracht und das war auch für mich, wie gesagt, eine Wie-derkehrung.38 Also weil- und dann […] bin ich nach Medjugorje gelandet. Das war auch komisch,dass ich-meineMutter hat äh-wollte ich nach Italien gehen- [Weltjugendtag].UndähmeineMutterwollte eine Reise nachRom, aber sie- sie wusste nicht,was das bil-ligste war, wir hatten auch Situation nicht […] viel Geld gehabt. Und äh- sie hat ambesten gefunden, dass dieseWallfahrt war billig, Aber dafür ist eineWoche inMed-jugorje. Keiner wusste das, dass ist. Aber sie hat gesagt, ja, kriegt ihr mehr Urlaub,ne, halt. Einmal- eine Woche in Rom, eine Woche in Medjugorje. Es ist in Bosni-en, ne. […] Ja, und ich hab ok gesagt.Hauptsache rau- raus, von [A arabisches Land]weg. (lacht) […] Ja,war ich glücklich,unddann, als ich angekommenbin, in ähMed-jugorje, war alles fürmich komisch,weil sie waren- wollten alle beten, alle Lobpreismachen, und so singen und so.Und ähMedjugorje ist das so’nMarienerscheinung.Äh wie- so ähnlich wie Lourdes oder Fatima. […] Aber dafür ist es nur das immernoch am Erscheinen. […] Und äh- ja, am Anfang, alles war mich skeptisch. Aberirgendwie war […] so’n komischer Tag, die ich ... zack, geglaubt habe. Wie, kannich auch nicht erklären, das sage nicht nur ich. Sagen vielleichtMillionen vonMen-schen,die da gehen. […] Ja,und äh seitdemhabe ichmeine Frau kennengelernt.Da,aber wir- das war nur Freundebeziehung, ne. […] Und als ich wieder in- äh nach [Aarabisches Land] zurück, hab ich per Email immer sie geschrieben, und sie hat mireinmal eingeladen, und dem ich- und da hat gefunkt. Da hab ich ihre Eltern ken-nen gelernt. Ihre Eltern gehen auch regelmäßig nachMedjugorje. […] Sie warmehrgläubig als ich. Und ich war wieder am Anfang, also war ich wieder frisch gläubig,ne.39 Irgendwann, so gegen 18, bin ich ... das ist auch wieder ein neuer Abschnitt, wo ichdie Religion halt, die Christen ... ja, neu entdeckenmusste und sozusagenwie kon-vertiert wieder von „nicht gläubig“ zu „gläubig“. Ich war immer noch Christ, alsoich bin nicht ausgetreten, sondern einfach nicht gläubig gewesen. ... Und da ha-be ich tiefe Erfahrungen in einerWallfahrt gehabt. […] und da habe ich meine Fraukennengelernt und hat sich wieder neu- ganz neuer Abschnitt. […] Ja, diese Kon-vertierung oder diese Umkehr wieder von Unglaube zu Glaube, das hat mir ... ichwürde sagen,mein Leben […] einfach gerettet […]. Ichwar ziemlich verloren,würdeich sagen,unddahabe ich ...da bin ichdannmitmeiner Frau. […] [I: Ja,gibt es da ir-gendeinen- gab es da einen bestimmten Punkt?] Ja, das ist ja in ... dieserWallfahrt,das ist die Erscheinung vonMaria,Marienerscheinung da und ... aktuell noch. [...]Und da habe ich die Mutter Gottes gespürt. Wahnsinn! […] [I: Und waren Sie da indiesemWallfahrtsort aus einem bestimmten Grund?] Jein- ja. Also ich war in so ei-nemGrund,dass ich einfach rausgehenmöchte,einbisschen...Urlaubmachenund... eigentlich kein religiöser Grund, da ich ja keine religiöse Bedeutung hatte mehr.Also ich war ja nicht mehr gläubig. Und meine Mutter hat mich einfach geschickt,Urlaub zu machen und da hat sich alles geändert, verdreht. 180 Grad, so ungefähr,ne. […] Und ich bin sicher, das ist meine persönliche Meinung, das war kein Zufall,ne, dass ich einfach dahin- angekommen bin und dass es alles so geändert hat. Ja,das ist dieses Ereignis. Ich eigentlich meine Frau kennengelernt habe.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 12340 Und die ersteWoche war Medjugorje, heißt das, dieses Ort, woMutter Gottes oderMaria-Erscheinung ist, immer noch ist. […] Habe ich nicht daran geglaubt, habeich nicht weiter gedacht. […] Der erste Tag war für mich alles skeptisch, weil dieLeute alle beten, alle Rosenkranz […]. Und dann der zweite Tag und der dritte Tag,natürlich eine besondere Erfahrung, […] eine Erscheinung. Das ist eigentlich nichtoft, dass sie auch Gruppeneinladungen gibt und da war an dem Tag Gruppeneinla-dung. […]UndgegenzehnUhrwar einGebetunddann,wie soll ichdas erklären? […]Habe ich angefangen, auch zu beten.Wo ich eigentlich verlernt habe, zu beten.Ha-be ich auch mitgesungen. Wo ich eigentlich- das sind Gruppenzwang, wenn manso sehen, aber trotzdem habe ich auch mitgesungen. Und dann irgendwann ha-be ich meine ganzen Probleme aus Versehen- was heißt aus Versehen? Man kannProbleme oder Sorgen, habe ich alles einfach losgelassen. […] Und plötzlich war dieErscheinung, haben alle Ruhe gestellt, also Silence und ruhig. Und da, in demMo-ment habe ich, während ich am beten oder meine Probleme lossage, habe ich eineunendliche Wärme gespürt. Nahezu Schmerz. Was heißt Schmerz, aber stark imHerz. […] Und gleichzeitig habe ich so eine Art, weiß nicht, einfach Liebe oder ko-mischesGefühl, einfach Frieden,wenn ich so sagenwill. […] Und da habe ich von daan, ich glaube, 180 Grad geändert, komplett. Das war die große Wendung. Von daaus habe ich alles, ich habe dann gebeichtet und habe ich alles losgelassen, was ichgemacht habe und was ich bin. Und da habe ich stark geglaubt, dass es gibt alles.Und diese Erfahrung kann ich jetzt nicht so- ich kann das nur mit Reden weiterge-ben, aber das Gefühl kann ich nicht geben, muss man erfahren. […] Und dann, ja,habe ich meine Frau auch da kennengelernt.41 Ja,meine Frau.Also ich habmeine Frau kennen gelernt. Ich hab sie amAnfang, alsodas war wie [eine Freundin] für mich. Ich hab sie gefunden nett, und sie war gläu-big, sie hatmich einfach sonetterweise eingeladen,hier nachDeutschland. […]Undda, irgendwannhat gefunkt,unddann sowirwareneingutesBeziehung,dann jetztLiebebeziehunggewordenundwirhabengeheiratet.UndhatmeinLebengeändert.Also bin ich wegen ihr nach Deutschland gelangt.42 Ja. Also als ich geheiratet, haben mich so gefreut, das war für mich (nach Wortensuchend) so’n Glücks-Ereignis. Weil ich, seit ich geheiratet habe, habe ich Gefühl,dass ich Verantwortung habe.Habe ich einen Partner, die ich immer dabei bin. Dieglaubt auch. Und ich kannmit beten. Ich hab so Schwiegereltern gekriegt, die sindauch gläubig. Für mich auch wie meine Eltern.Weil ich meine Eltern weit weg.43 Ich bin da in Medjugorje gewesen, habe ich da meine Frau aus Deutschland ken-nengelernt und da haben wir diesen neuen Abschnitt in Deutschland angefangen.Wir haben da geheiratet und das ist komplett neue Kapitel wieder, ne. Beide sindwir gläubig, religiös und […] da haben wir uns im Glaube uns einander sozusagengeholfen und erzogen.44 Ja, also Ehebeziehung, das schon das Wichtigste eigentlich. […] Es ist für mich,durch meine Frau habe ich auch meinen Glauben, ich will nicht sagen: gefunden.Das stimmt nicht. Aber auch gestärkt, weil sie auch gläubig ist, genauso gläubig.Und miteinander haben unseren Glauben wachsen lassen. Und das hat mir auchsehr stark gemacht. Und wir sind immer noch so der Meinung, durch Glaube istunsere Liebe entstanden und durch diese Liebe, ist so stark wie das Glaube ist.124 Leitmotifs in Life Stories45 Erstmal ich gucke, was das ist. Ob es für mich wichtig ist. […] Zum Beispiel, wennich jetzt Arbeit suche oder studieren will. […] Dann gucke ich, was ist jetzt für dieGesellschaft wichtig. […] Und gucke auf meine Familie, für mein Leben. Gut undwichtig ist,oder fürmich,dass ichgutwohlfühleda.Dannmache ichdas.Unddanngeht’s fürArbeit, fürZukunft, fürmeineFamilie oderüberhaupt eineEntscheidung.46 Definitiv hat es einen Sinn, weil ich bin dankbar für alles. Ich lebe mein Leben, wieesChristuswill und ichversuchees zumindest, soweitwiemöglich inNähezurHei-ligkeit zur kommen. Ob das klappt oder nicht, ich jeder ist sündig und jeder kannsündigen. Ich bin nur ein Mensch, heißt das, ne. Aber das ist für mich das Leben,was ich jetzt lebe, es komplett einen Sinn. Ich habe Familie, ich habe Kinder, ichbin dankbar für alles und ich habe einen großen Lebenssinn. Also alles eigentlich:Glaube, Kinder, Leben,meine Frau.47 Glauben habe ich ausführlich gesagt, über dieWerte von Glauben. Aber auch Fami-lienwerte, also wenn ich diese gute Moral weitergeben kann an meine Kinder zumBeispiel.Moral ist aber auch eine ganzgroße abstrakte Sache,kannmanauchdurchGlauben, aber auch, kann man durch normale Sache weiter verbessern. Moral istwichtig, ist so auch ein guterWert. ZumBeispiel, es gibt ja immer diese,wie soll ichsagen,Respekt für andereMenschen,Respekt auch für seine Eltern.Na klar, andersGläubige werden das auch ja sagen. Deswegen sage ich, es ist viel gemischt untervielen Menschen, ist Moral. Auch Sexualität, ist ja auch ein wichtiger Punkt durchdenGlauben.Unddiese ganzenWerte,die auchZehnGebote in denGlaubengeben,gebe ich das einfach weiter. Das ist eigentlich, was in der Bibel steht, ist für michviel wert. […] [I: Können Sie das ein bisschen näher erläutern?] Also es gibt Sex vorder Ehe zum Beispiel, das ist für mich ein Wert, der eigentlich in dem christlichenGlauben sagt: Nein, ne, deswegen. Gibt es aber auch diese ganzen pornografischenSachen, dieman auch gucken könnte.Das ist fürmich auchwertlos und deswegen,finde ich, gebe ich das weiter anmeine Familie und an Freunde.48 Im Geistliche Auge glauben.49 Im Verstand glauben.50 Also ich glaube an… also ich bin nicht ein [Fanatiker] im Glauben, ne. Ich bin nicht,dass ich jetzt äh Kreuzzüge (lachend) machen, nein. Ich bin einfach- ich glaube anGott, das ist meine eigene Meinung. Ich hoffe und ich bete, dass viele Leute auchdas glauben. Weil für mich, ich halte das für richtig. Ich bin gläubig. Was die ka-tholische Kirche uns lehrt, ichmache das halt. [I: Undwas bedeutet das für Sie?] Ja,mein ganzes Leben ist […] alsoGlaube.OhneGlaube fürmich ist nix. Fürmich.Undbedeutet für mich alles.Mein Gott ist erste Stelle für mich.51 Ich würde mich da gläubig, spirituell und religiös in einer. (lacht) Es bedeutet fürmich, ich bin ein praktizierender Christ. Das ist für mich gläubig. Das heißt, ichversuche, mein Glaube zu praktizieren, zu bewegen und das ist kein toter Glaube,dann lebendiger Glaube. […] Also religiös, spirituell und gläubig natürlich habenverschiedene Bedeutungen wahrscheinlich, aber für mich ... ich kann nur sagen:„Ich bin gläubig, bedeutet eigentlich alle drei. […] Ich glaube an höhereMächte, ichglaube an den Heiligen Geist, das ist spirituell wieder mal. […] Ich glaube an Gott,das ist Gläubigkeit. Und religiös: Ich praktizieremein Christentum.Und das ist fürmich religiös.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 12552 Ja, ich halte mich als religiös oder gläubig. Aber auch nicht genug. [I: Wieso nicht?]Wie ich erzählt habe,mein Glaubewächst bis zumTod und deswegen bin ich,wennman so betrachtet, […] immer am wachsen und deswegen ist es immer klein, […].Religiös ist, wenn man einfach einer Religion angenommen hat, akzeptiert dieseReligion. Das ist für mich religiös. Glaubt, weil man diese Religion glaubt.Weil, esgibt viele, die getauft sind oder auch ihre Berufe gemacht haben […]. Aber die glau-ben das nicht. Und das ist unterschiedlich, religiös, gläubig, dritte Stufe ist spiri-tuell und das ist für mich die, ich will nicht sagen, höchste Stufe, aber die Stufe,woman wirklich an höhere Mächte, wirklich daran wirklich glaubt und tatsächlichglaubt,dass durchGlaube,nicht nur praktizierter, aber auchnicht nurRoutine oderTradition, sondern, durch Glaube kannman Sachen verändern, kannmanHeilungmachen, kannman aber auchWunder tätigen. Und das ist spirituell, genau.53 Also hab ich geglaubt anGottwie jedesKind,die glaubt anGott, amAnfangundhabichdasGefühl,dass es gut ist,ne.Unddaswar fürmichwie einVater amAnfang. […]Unddann so [in den 90ern] ja, bin ichweg vonGott.Also ich hab alsomehr Freunde,die ich nichtGott glaubt, kennengelernt.Ähdaswar, sagenwir,Antichrist, ne.Hea-vyMetal,Hardrock sind nurMusik fürmanche Leute, aber fürmich es so’n weglau-fen von Gott, ne. […] Bis [später in den 90ern], als ich auf dieseWallfahrt [gegangenbin] und da hab ich also Mutter Gottes, sagen wir mal so, krass gesagt, gefühlt. […][Ich] hab gebeichtet da, [nachdem ich] [viele] Jahre nicht gebeichtet [hatte]. […]Undda hab ich da gefühlt, das gibt jemand,dermich hilft. […]Und ich habe jetztmeinenaltenGlauben. Ich glaube anGott, an Jesus, anMaria. An alles,was normale gläubigist [I: Undwie kannman Ihr derzeitiges Gottesbild heute beschreiben?] Ja, also, ichglaube anGott. Ich glaube an alles,was katholischerKatechismus also… […].Also fürmich Gott ist immer stärker, ich glaube immer an Gott. Manche Tage ist weniger,manche ist stärker, ist normal, ich bin auch einMensch, ne. Ich bin kein Papst oderso. Aber ja, ich versuche mein Bestes, meinen Glauben zu behalten.54 [AmAnfang] das war einfach ein ganz routinierter Glaube, […]. Ich habe immer ge-wusst,dassGott existiert, auch inmeinerTiefphase,aberdieBeziehungzuGottwarsehr schlecht in der Zeit, wo ich Tiefphase hatte. Gott war für mich wie ein Gegner,ich habe alle Schuld auf ihmgegebenund ich habe ihmgesagt: „Dubist Schuld,dassich so bin.“ Und habe mich mit ihm so im Inneren gestritten. Also ganz stark. […]Undmein Blick hat sich wieder geändert nach der Umkehr in Medjugorje, dass ichgesehen habe, dass Gott nicht Schuld ist, sondern bin ich selber, […] und da hat sichdieser Blick geändert, dass er barmherzig, dass er alle liebt […] und der hat michverziehen und das hat mich so totales Blick zu Gott geändert. […] Also wie gesagt,für mich ist es jetzt geworden wie ein Gottvater, wie ein Vater für mich, Gott. Wieer auf mich aufpasste, einenWeg für mich immer vorbereitet, […]. Und früher wardas Routine. Ich muss das machen, ich fahre in die Kirche, weil es ja alle machenund meine Eltern machen das und jetzt, ich weiß, ich gehe in die Kirche, weil ichmit Gott sein will.55 Es hat sich eigentlich an sich nicht verändert, das Bild zu Gott, da ich an Gott glau-be. Aber das Leben an sich, es wird immer schwieriger, solche Beziehungen zu er-halten mit Gott. […] Ja, also es ist eine tiefe freundschaftliche Beziehung mit Gott.[…] Und deswegen, alles was ich tue oder mache oder so, das, denke ich immer, in126 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdiesem Sinne, ist immer, was begleitet mich. Und das ist für mich das Wichtigste.Also, ja, es hat sich eigentlich auch nicht verändert, das ist immer so geblieben.Malstärker,mal schwächer, das ist immer so imKampf, im täglichenKampf, bei jedem.[…] Aber, ja, muss man immer sehen, wir leben in einer Welt, Glaube ist nicht im-mer das Erste. […] Und hier, klar, habe ich Freunde, die glauben und da habe ichdiese ganze Gesellschaft, die ichmitmache, das ist alles gläubig. Das fällt mir nichtschwer. Und ich stehe dazu, ganz stark und deswegen hat es mich jetzt auch nichtso gestört. [I: Undwas bedeutet dieses Bild vonGott heute für Sie?] Immer noch eingroßes Vaterbild, Beschützerbild und Vertrauen, großes Vertrauen, sozusagen, ja.56 Also Böse in derWelt finde ich, es ist immer stärker. In derWelt. Obwohl jetzt vieleLeute glauben und beten, und viele Leute umkehren, aber also Böse ist immer nochda, und bleibt eben auch da bis- sagen wir mal, katholische Kirche sagt, Rückkehrvon Jesus.Ne.Dann ist es nichtmehrda,aberBöse ist immer steigt.Viele Leute sindgegenKirche.Das ist auchböse.Also fürmich.AlsoAntichrist,ne.SindSatanismus,Antichristen, das ist böse. […] Kenn ich also nicht am meisten, aber kenn ich dasganz gut. Ich kann daswas sagen, und ich hab Erfahrungen damit.Dass es böse ist.57 Also das Böse ist alles, was dazu bringt, Sünde zu machen. Das Böse ist eigentlich[der] sogenannte Teufel. […]Wennman jetzt nur an Gott glaubt, aber an den Teufel[nicht] glaubt, das ist auchwieder falsch.Nur ich bin sicher und ich glaube, oder ichweiß, dass Gott stärker als der Teufel, deswegen habe ich keine Angst vor ihm. […]gibt vieleMenschen,die sagen: „Oh,der Teufel. Sprichtmannicht darüber“,und fürmich ist es nicht der Fall. […]Was nicht Licht ist, [wird] dunkel, also so ungefähr.58 Ja, also im Christentum glaubt an Gott, aber auch gleichzeitig an den Teufel. DerTeufel ist kein Gott, ist einfach ein Engel, der Gott widerstanden hat oder nicht hö-ren wollte oder ungehorsam gewesen. Und durch diesen Teufel, wir glauben dran,dass diesesBöse in denMenschengetanhat. […]Undklar,Menschen tunSünde,derTeufel arbeitet immer da dran, das ist ein Kampf zwischen Gott und Teufel, dass erimmer versucht,Menschen für sich zu nehmen undGott durch die größte Liebe dieMenschen halt versucht, für sich zu gewinnen. Und Gott versucht das nicht durchGewalt, sondern der hat ja wirklich den freienWillen gegeben undman entscheidetdafür oder dagegen. […] Und Versuchung entspricht halt verschiedene Sachen, […],Pornografie ist fürmich eine Versuchung, die der Teufel ist und aber auch dies gan-ze Mord oder Gewalt. […] Wenn man auch von weltlichen betrachtet, ist ein Mordpassiert, der Mensch jemand umgebracht hat, das ist eigentlich ganz schlimm. […]Und das kannman durch weltliche, rechtliche erklären, kannman auch durchmei-nen Glauben erklären.59 Themean age for gettingmarried in the early 2000swas about 32 years formen, and29 for women (Statistisches Bundesamt, 2022).60 Ich bete verschiedene Formen von Gebet, die uns halt die Bibel gibt, aber auch dieKircheunsgibt undverschiedeneHeilige. Ichmeditiere.Meditationwill ich esnichtnennen, das ist für mich eine Anbetung. Ich bete die Eucharistie an, das heißt, dieLeidChristi. […]Meditation ist,wennman für sich innerlich geht. Ich gehe fürmichäußerlich und ich gebe hin. […] Andersgläubige, wo ich alle toleriere, die meistentoleriere, sage mal so, aber die meditieren viel. Sie gehen innerlich, für sich selber,weil die glauben, derMensch ist es halt Gott selber ungefähr, odermanche glauben.5. Bianca and Jannis—A Catholic Couple in the Family Phase 127Deswegenmeditierenhalt für sich selber.Undbei uns, also beiChristen ist es so,dieSeele ist da, die Seele sprichtmit Gott und die ist nicht innerlich alleine und für sichselber. Und deswegen ist fürmich Anbetung, ich bete ihn, ich spreche halt mit Gottpersönlich in einer Ebene.6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith“I’m rather flexible in my mind and perhapsI’m not really able to assemble a fixedworldview, which is something to get togrips with of course. Actually, I lack theability. I used to try to create this somehow.I lack the ability to believe in something.”1Nadine is a youngwoman aged 25 in 2011, the year the first interview took place andwhois studying at a university at time 1 and 2. At time 3, now aged 34 and having finished herstudies, she refers to her current status rather vaguely as “working.” Growing up witha single mother and a grandmother who also served as a caregiver, one can say that Na-dine’smain influences in her childhood and adolescencewere female.She shares that hergrandmother was a religious person, but did not influence her in this respect.Moreover,there is no explicit recognition of the fact that the majority of her childhood caregiverswerewomen.Nadine self-identifies as “more spiritual than religious” and, despite beingbrought up in a liberal Catholic environment (especially kindergarten), she today doesnot feel like belonging to a denomination. Instead, her interviews suggest she can bestbe described as agnostic,whichmakes for an interesting contrast to a decidedly religiouswoman like Bianca.6.1.1 Nadine’s Life Reviews and her Spiritual ExperiencesIt is not easy to get a clear image of Nadine’s life and her past, since she is an intervieweethat needs time to acclimate to the interview situation, making her answers to the firstfew questions rather short in all of her interviews. Another reason for this might also bethat she is reluctant to share toomuch personal information and feelsmore comfortableanswering themore abstract questions in the third and fourth area.However, there is inan interesting difference between her answers at time 1 and time 2.Here is what she saidin her first interview:I would probably structure it into the classical developmental phases and less intoactual events, or lines of thought or something because here it’s about, something130 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesabout lines of thought I believe, but I don’t know. As a child you think in differentways than as an adult. You can’t compare that.2 (Nadine, FDI, time 1)She refuses to go into much detail regarding her life review, and instead hypothesizesabout the aimof the interview (which she suspects to be about different lines of thought).These thoughts come to a preliminary end with the rather generalized insight that chil-dren think differently from adults.At time 2, her answer has a note that is more oriented along her biography, eventhough it is still quite abstract:There is always this stuff where something has changed, for me, that is. Like, whenI was eight or nine, that’s the first section, that’s when I first decided consciouslyto give up externalizing behavior and to internalize more. At 13, well, I can’t givethat a heading, at 13, I basically first started to develop a lot personally, to engagewith different topics and made some first experiences, like, I basically started todeal with myself and my environment more consciously.3 (Nadine, FDI, time 2)Nadine shows that she is a reflective person and can look at her younger self from ananalytical perspective; however, while the vocabulary seems to fit, it remains unclearwhat exactly she means when talking about “externalizing behavior.” She pinpoints cru-cial turning points for her thinking yet does not connect themwith actual events, like inthe first-time interview. What she does mention at another point in the interview is afriendship/relationship that started when she was 13 and that changed the way she ap-proached the world because with that person, she could be herself for the first time inher life.At time 3, her answer is even shorter andmore generic:Well, the classics, I guess. Kindergarten, primary school, school and so on. The clas-sic development phases according to external standards. [I: How would you describethe chapters?] Um, time till kindergarten, kindergarten, primary school, secondaryschool, high school, um, a phase of self-discovery, um, how should I call the next?Work, study, work, (smiles) like that.4 (Nadine, FDI, time 3)Nadinemore or less completely rejects several offers to go intomore detail regarding thenamed chapters. Instead, she repeats those chapters that are characterized as “classicdevelopment phases according to external standards.”Thereby, she emphasizes the nor-mality of her own life course while implicitly revealing that she may know a bit aboutdevelopmental psychology.The only term that deviates from the important stations shenames is “a phase of self-discovery.” And while this still fits very well into the set of “clas-sics” she names, it will become clear that this phase is of some importance for her devel-opment.Going on,Nadine reveals a little more detail about her past. During adolescence, shestarted voluntary work:[…], it’s normal to make experiences in life and have this job or do something there[…]. So, in my youth, from 13 to 16, I worked in the animal shelter. […] and of course,6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 131after the ‘Abitur,’ I had a lot of different jobs, any of which were turning points, withnew experiences with stuff that I learned from scratch, because I always did stuffthat I had not done before, in order to learn that. Like, I always looked for jobsand work—not the animal shelter, that was out of passion—but the rest I alwayspicked according to the aspect, what am I not capable of, what is my biggest horror,and then I tried it and therefore I collected a lot of experiences, because I was like,hey, your development is maybe not complete at that age, you can still turn thingsaround.5 (Nadine, FDI, time 1)She refers to a norm of having different jobs, in her case for different reasons.While theworkat theanimal shelterwas ‘passion,’ theother jobswere chosen fromaverypragmaticand analytic perspective. Driven by the wish to learn something new and to confront herfears, Nadine portrays herself as a very autonomous person who is open to new experi-ences and, despite her fears and limitations (which will be discussed below), competentand capable.Thiswish tobe themasterofherown life storygets frameddifferently at time3.Whenasked for times of crises, she states that it has always been difficult for her to adapt andthat finding understanding with other people was always problematic. She then says:That went on for a couple of years, and then I was like, I have to get back on myfeet again, I have to do something. […] Plainly, it was a bit of stubbornness, becausethere was a different life predestined for me than I had imagined it, you know. Youjust get put into a pigeonhole and that gets you into a system, erm, in which youstay a victim, if you don’t resist, I’d say, or, you know, just stay sick. […] and myperspective wasn’t very bright […], and therefore, for me, this was the motor to justdo something. […] And I believe, in the end the biggest driving force was alwaysfear. Fear of the alternatives. Like, you can say that about my whole life, anythingthat I ever accomplished or did, was mainly because of fear of the alternatives.That’s slightly depressing, but that’s how it is, yeah.6 (Nadine, FDI, time 3)This statement has a very different level of reflectedness than is apparent in her other in-terviews. She gives an explanation for the striving for autonomy and confronting herselfwith new situations thatwerementioned in herfirst two interviews.Growingup, she hasexperienced that she does not fulfill society’s expectations and obviously faced the fear ofgetting stigmatized and eventually “locked away.”Thus, it seems that she became proac-tive to avoid this possible dystopia she talks about. She does not go into detail aboutwhatkind of problems she has had, but she does mention that there was a time when she wasdepressed and even considered suicide. Interestingly, even though she describes herselfas not religious and rather science-oriented, this episode is connected with a spiritualexperience. For her, this is something she has to argue strongly, as can be seen in heranswer regarding breakthrough experiences at time 1:You have to be careful how you talk about all this, but I was quite depressive andwas feeling poorly. I sometimes thought about suicide, never seriously tried, butthought about it, and then I once had this very intense dream and after that, Iwas finished with that… I knew the score. That was very interesting. Like, I had132 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesstuff like this from time to time, wherever this comes from, and I don’t mean tojudge, whether I was on a different level or in heaven or something like that. Well,heaven is wrong as well since I don’t believe in that Christian heaven. […] Whetherthis comes out of my brain or wherever that comes from, I don’t know. Well, I’mnot crazy (laughs), but those were partly helpful things. […] The terms are difficultbecause a lot of esoteric people are going into that direction, with whom I don’twant to be stuck into a box, but there is something like a higher consciousness,which is always there but which you can’t always reach and, in this night, I justcould reach it. And looking back it’s like, the knowledge has always been there butcould not be reached and so this was such an enlightenment.7 (Nadine, FDI, time1)The answer is initiated with a cautious statement indicating that Nadine is well aware ofthe fact that the things she is going to saymight be controversial. She has portrayed her-self as a person oriented toward science and not at all religious.The spiritual experienceshe describes then is formative in more than one way. Not only does it end her suici-dal thoughts, but it also makes her realize that there is a “higher consciousness” that isusually out of reach despite her being a self-identified rational person. She is strugglingfor the rightwords here and coming to the conclusion that both theChristian framework(“heaven”) and the esoteric one (“higher consciousness”) do not suit herwell, even thoughshe does not succeed in describing her experience without referring to either of those.Being associated with both Christians and esoteric people is connotated negatively forher.The story is brought up again at time 2, again when asked for breakthrough experi-ences:That’s probably a bit difficult to describe, I mean, other people would probably filethat under spiritual experience—I know that, and I just accept it—but from timeto time I had very enlightening experiences, inspirations, that helped me on. Like,for example, in my youth I was really depressive and often thought about suicideand how I just don’t want to anymore and so on, but then I just… it was shownto me or I made the experience, don’t know, doesn’t matter at all what my braindid there, but since then I could never again seriously consider this […]. Like, thatwas quite interesting, I don’t know exactly how to call it, like, if you should call ita vision or something, yes, but since then the topic was done, and it’s always likethis: I’ve never known in my life how it would go on, I don’t have any goal, whichis probably related to my lack of self-image or worldview or something like that.[…] I just have things like that sometimes. Basically, they are also somehow partsof me that are obviously doing something, but this may also go against my actualopinion. […] And I have things like that at times which push me into one direction.Yes, that’s kind of interesting.8 (Nadine, FDI, time 2)Theway she starts her answer appears defensive, as if she expects some formof judgmentfrom the interviewer, potentially because she has faced criticism when telling her storybefore.Thenature of her experience remains vague in this account aswell, but it becomesclear that it was a life-changing experience which cannot be put into words and may be6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 133best described with “directly experiencing a form of transcendence.” By mentioning herbrain, she implies that this experiencemight be a neurological phenomenon, but she ob-viously does not feel the necessity to resolve this fully. She then says that she does nothave a real direction in her life and attributes this to a “lack of self-image or worldview,”and this gap in her life plan is filled with those experiences that push her life in a certaindirection, whether she likes that direction or not. This remark is interesting because itserves the purpose to render her inspirationsmore believable.Theywork even if she doesnot want them to work, making them “real magic,” since they work against her own in-tuition andwill at times.Thismakes her overall statement at time 2more defensive thanat time 1.Nevertheless, she has managed to integrate this experience into her life story, butwhen she talks about it at time 3, she sounds like she is not very happy with or at leastskeptical about having these moments of enlightenment, as can be seen in this quote:Sometimes there are those intuitions, like suddenly I know I have to do that. Theycome out of the blue or like I know why I should not do a certain thing or […] I geta certain dream somehow, which is quite different from this usual dream nonsense.And then I just know… I’m basically a different person in the morning because I’mlike, oh, okay, this has to be different from now on. And I don’t always like that,but it always turned out to be the right thing. […] I believe the most remarkablesituation was that at one point, basically from one night to the other, by havingthis sort of experience, I knew that I would not kill myself, I would not want to dothat. […] Since this night, I never seriously considered it. […] Which I find stupid attimes, (smiles) but, yeah, that’s why I would say: yes, there are such experiences.9(Nadine, FDI, time 3)Her line of argumentation is interesting here.Those “intuitions” appear unexpected andare unwanted and inconvenient at times. They appear on such a regular basis that shecannot ignore them and so instead she decides to make them part of her life narrative,albeit with a skeptical undertone that shows a certain distance from her own experienceand makes it harder to argue against it, since even though she does not embrace them.As a reflective and rational person, those dreams and intuitions are still there. This is asimilar line of argumentation like at time 2; however, it comes across in a less defensiveway.Summed up, Nadine’s life review is meagre when it comes to personal details. How-ever, a development could be traced insofar as that her experiences and her special fea-tures seem to become more integrated into her life narrative. She seems the most de-fensive at time 2, which is a time when she felt the need to justify the course her life is.The look at Nadine’s life review contains a surprise. Despite her not belonging to a de-nomination, some of her most defining accounts circle around a spiritual experience.Therefore, I will take a closer look at her worldview and her assumed spirituality and atthe way Nadine answers the question “What does death mean to you?” as an example ofher approach to existential questions.134 Leitmotifs in Life Stories6.1.2 Nadine’s Worldview and How She Thinks about DeathNadine’s WorldviewNadine is an individual who has self-identified throughout all phases as “more spiritualthan religious.” According to her interviews, she does not identify with any form of reli-gion, yet she also rejects the label “atheist.” From the accounts analyzed above it becameclear that there is some involvement with a form of transcendence, but it is not easy tofigure out how Nadine defines this transcendence. So, as a first approximation to herbelief system, we have here the data that have been labeled as describing “subjective re-ligiosity,” which may not be the most fitting term for Nadine:Wave 1: Her concept of spirituality, as she provides it in the survey, is an encompass-ing one and she states that everything is spiritual. At the same time, she emphasizes heropenness to different interpretations, thereby rejecting narrow-mindedness. Religion,being the literal translation of re-connection (a detail that she gives at every timepoint),is somethingman-made and is created to give support and provide meaning.These twodefinitions show the contrast she sees between those two concepts and imply that reli-gion is something that is connotated slightly negatively, rather by omission than by ac-tually saying it, since the openness that is emphasized in her definition of spirituality ismissing when she defines religion, which is characterized as amore concluded concept.This is in accordance with her choice for “more spiritual than religious” and is furthersupported by her answer in the interview in which she chooses “spiritual” for character-izing herself. Again, there is a clear distinction between spiritual and religious with thelatter obviously being connected to a community (implying, again, a certain rigidness).Being spiritual is described as being open, aware, andmindful, which is a condition thatseems desirable to her (and probably also desirable for society as a whole), since she dis-tinguishes between a “spiritual level” and a “human level.”The human level, onwhich shefinds herself sometimes as well, is judgmental and probably not very tolerant, while aperson on the spiritual level does not valuate others and shows a great sense of tolerancewith the presupposition that there is no reason to believe that the person in front of hershould be wrong while she is right.Here, Nadine shows traces of a xenosophic approachby emphasizing an equality between all humans at a young age, even though she does notgo as far as letting herself be actually changed by the other.6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 135Table12:DataonNadine’sWorldviewNadinewave1wave2wave3spirituality:Thereisnothingthat’snotspiritual,Ivieweverythingthatisasspiritual.Termi-nologiesareamatterofinterpretationandIseeadefinitionofsomethingnotastheonly,butasonepossibilityamongothers.10spirituality:“Geistigkeit,Geistliches”(whichboth,inEnglish,translatetothetermspiritual(ity),withtheconnotationofmental,intellectual)spirituality:“Geistigkeit,”innerlife11freeentriesreligion:Formepersonally,religionmeans:re-ligiare–reconnection(toGod).Inmycommonparlanceformeitmeans,though:ahumanconstruct,createdtoholdontoandproducemeaningfulness12religion:beliefsystemwithmetaphysicalortranscendentalcontent13religion:literally:reconnection14self-assessmentmorespiritualthanreligiousmorespiritualthanreligiousmorespiritualthanreligiousanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spir-itual,orfaithfulperson?Umm,spiritual.ButlikeIsaid,spiritual,whatdoesthatmean?[…]Forme,it’snotconnectedwithacommunityorwithalittlegroupthatIhangoutwithorwithadenomination.[…]Ithinktobespiritual,formethat’sjusttryingtoliveconsciouslyandtothebestofmyknowledgeandtobemindfulandtotrytolookbehindthingsandjustbeopenforeverything[…],becausetheotherpersonisapartofthecreationjustlikeme,whyshouldtheybewrongandIamright?No,that’snotplausibleandthat’swhyspiritualityformeisanawarenessofthislevelonwhichthereisnovaluation.Onmylowerhumanlevel,Ievaluatejustlikeanyotherpersondoes.Right,youcan’tavoidthat.[…]Butoften,I’monthislevelwherethereisnovaluation.15Definitelynotfaithful.Religiousinthesenseitisconnotatedinoursocietytoday—neither.MostlikelyIwouldprobablysayIhaveaspir-itualelement,atleastduetomyexperiencesandbecauseIengagedwiththatalot,likedur-ingadolescence,whenIwasstillsearching.Iengagedmyselfalotwithfaith,religion,andspiritualityandfromthis,spirituality—asthetermisused—iswhat’sclosesttome.Like,actuallyIwoulddescribemyselfasalatentlyspiritualperson.[…]IusedtowishsometimesthatIcould[bereligious],becauseit’snicetohaveasystemyoucanholdonto,that’sreallyhelpful,youknow,but,sinceIcannotdothis,Icouldnotfitintothisorjustacceptthatformyself,thingslike,that’strue,that’sfalse,that’sgood,that’sbad,that’sright,thesearethelaws,thesearethecommandments,that’showyou’resupposedtolive,Godisthisandthat,youhavetofollowwhatGodsays,like,thisis…nay.16Umm,ofthesethree,maximallyspiritual,butthiswithcautionsince,likeIsaid,Ijustdon’tfeelbelongingtoagroup,nofaithcommunity.Idon’tfollowaspecialworldvieworamodelorsomething.I’mjustinterestedinthosethings,I’minterestedinreligion,spirituality,whatothersbelieve,whatkindofexperiencestheyhavemade,whatkindofrealizationstheyhadinthisarea,that’swhatI’minterestedin,andthat’swhatIengagewith,nowandthen.[…]AndIdon’tassociatespiritualitywitharigidsystemorsomething,[…].Like,I’mnotapersonwho’dsay,“So,thisguycanseeangels,hashelostallhismarblesorsomething?”Icanjustacceptthatandbelike,okay,well,whynot.Like,Idonotnecessarilyjudgethis.17136 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWave 2: This time,herdefinitionsare short.For “spirituality,” shegives twowords,whichare associated with intellect or the mind in German. Her definition of “religion” may beseen as in opposition to this “Geist,” by naming “belief” as first association. Interestingly,a transcendental reference is brought up here which does not appear in the other datain this table. In her interview answer, she chooses to characterize herself as spiritualagain, though not with references to an open mind, even though she indirectly namesher open mind as a reason for her spirituality. But her statement sounds less determin-istic than at time 1, which may be an indicator for a development with Nadine havingintegrated this stance and feeling less compelled to declare this as a prerequisite for ev-eryone. Her own “supernatural” experiences are named as an additional factor for herown spirituality, hereby giving a biographical background information which serves asan autobiographical argument, since it can be assumed that having actually experiencedsomething supernatural would not leave a personwithout effect.Moreover, she portraysherself as an intellectual personwho has engagedwith religious and spiritual people andliterature despite not being faithful herself, describing a thorough searchingmovement,which implies that she was not looking for easy answers. However, when turning to theterm “religion” in her answer, she admits to flirting with the idea of following a religionwith its strict and unambiguous system of rules. But she cannot bring herself to believein something like that, implying a certain rebelliousness which prevents her from actu-ally “fitting in.”Thismight be described as “religiously tone-deaf” (Weber, 1994, p. 65) andas not being able to get to the core of a belief.We have a very strong self-characterizationof Nadine as an autonomously thinking personwho, despite admitting to certain “weak-nesses” occasionally, prefers making decisions for herself and not following blindly anykind of rulebook.This is also in accordance with what has been said about her approachto religion at time 1.Wave 3: Herdefinitions in the survey are very short. In addition to the term“Geistigkeit”(which is a very uncommon word in German), she makes a reference to the “inner life”without elaborating on that further,whichmay be, taking into account her answers fromthe earlier interviews, understood as an inner attitude. Interestingly, in contrast to herother interview answers, being spiritual is not embraced as unconditionally as before,rather appearing as the best, but not correct approximation to a self-characterization.She rejects the idea of belonging to a community and emphasizes her individual, intel-lectual approach of engagingwith religious and spiritual topics. An intellectual curiositycan be inferred from her statement, which was there already at time 2 but not with thesame emphasis. While, at time 2, this engagement was justified with her searching forsomething, at time 3, it seems as if she does that with the aim of gathering knowledgeandof abetter understandingof people ingeneral. In this statement, she is alsodemand-ing tolerance, or rather describes lived tolerance for everyone, including people who areoutside a socially demonstrated norm. Her last sentence infers a certain openness andacceptance of approaches that obviously seem improbable to her; however, this does notseem to go further than just letting the other be in a “live and let live”manner.6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 137Nadine’s Image of GodWith this in mind, it is interesting to look at her answers to the question regarding herimage of God and her worldview.I have relatively early, at the age of 10, 11, started to deal with religion. When Iwas 13, I read the Bible. Like, from the beginning to the end. I believe I am one ofthe few people who did that because that is a real torture reading all those familytrees in the Old Testament. That’s crazy. […] Yeah, I just wanted, I was in search of…Like, I wanted to see what benefits do people gain from that? Does it make sense?Does it not make sense? How do I position myself? I wanted to experience all ofthis. […] Went to a Christian camp two or three times, when I was 12 or 13. […] Butcouldn’t agree to some of those opinions and accordingly I dealt with those on adeeper level and so turned away from Christianity. […] So I was always in searchof how other people do that […] and processed a lot, thought a lot, read a lot. […]Yes, and I always pondered, always coming to the conclusion that if there is a godI cannot find out and if there isn’t I can’t either. Like, well, maybe I’m too much ofa logical person. […] But basically, I don’t allow myself to be too opinionated aboutGod because I just cannot judge this.18 (Nadine, FDI, time 1)Starting age 12, 13—perhaps it started a bit earlier even—I was always searchingfor my worldview and really engaged with a lot of things, with religion, philosophy,I read the Bible from the beginning to the end, I engaged with Buddhism a lot,like, the things you do […]. During a period when I felt really bad, I was kind ofsearching again in some form, I guess, but yes, actually, I’ve not been searchingactively for anything for years now because, for me, it’s okay as it is. […] I’m ratherflexible in my mind and perhaps I’m not really able to assemble a fixed worldview,which is something to get to grips with of course. […] Actually, I lack the ability.I used to try to create this somehow. I lack the ability to believe in something,[…]. I can’t just go about and say: God exists, God doesn’t exist, because I just don’tknow it, and for me it is of no relevance because I’m not able to figure that outreasonably, like, therefore, my worldview is, like, when you connect this, but alsogenerally speaking, not that fixed.19 (Nadine, FDI, time 2)Since I was eight, I think, I slowly started to ponder, do I have a worldview?And if so, what does it look like? […] And since then I’ve usually been looking atmultiple different worldviews. So, in the end, for me it is difficult because everyperson has a view of the world, and so do I. But I could not assert that I have afixed worldview. There are just too many variables that I cannot take into accountobjectively because I am a subjective being, […]. For my life, I just try to figureout what is important in the respective situation or relevant or what is useful. […]So, I have engaged with that a lot, met people accordingly and questioned themabout their faith. […] At least, for me, that widened my horizon concerning otherpeople, and therefore contributed to my basal understanding of the world, so, inthe end, to my worldview, which I can’t really grasp because it is not fixed, butbeliefs or worldviews mainly have to do with people and therefore I learned a lotabout people, yes.20 (Nadine, FDI, time 3)At time 1, she portrays herself as a person who is well-read; having read the Bible com-pletely ismarked as something special (“I am one of the fewwho did that”), evenmore sosince that experience is described as torture.This can be seen as a rebellious act because138 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesbydoing so, she seems todeviate fromwhatwouldnormally be expected froma teenager.The reason why she did that seems to have less to do with wanting to be different but be-cause she wanted to understand the benefits people gain from being religious. It seemsthat she was hoping for support and to find meaning, not only in the religious area, butas ameans to better understand people in general. Intellectual doubts (“couldn’t agree tosome of those opinions”) prevent her from adopting the Christian faith. In the end, shedoes not seem to completely deny that there is a God after all, yet states that there is noway for her to know for certain, which may be labelled as “pragmatic agnostic.”Her answer at time 2 takes up similar topics. She talks about her searching move-ments and the ways she engaged with different approaches to answering her questionsand to finding support and stability, emphasizing the intellectual way she deals withthese topics, this timemarking it as an expected behavior (“like, the things you do”). Herdesire to portray her teenage self as rebellious and non-conformist are not as strong atthis time.More emphasis is put on herself being at peace with the fact that she could notcome up with a fixed worldview.Having to deal with an unstable worldview is describedas hard work (“which is something to get to grips with of course”), but she can accept itnow just as it is, and doesn’t feel the pressure to definitely decide existential questionsfor herself such as whether God exists or not. Combined with previous efforts of findinganswers in Christianity or Buddhism, the observation that Nadine sees herself as “reli-giously tone-deaf” is supported, a finding that is the strongest in her time 2 interviews.Again, her overall stance can be labelled as “pragmatic agnostic.”At time 3,we can still see the search formeaning (“try to figure out what is importantin the respective situation”). But at this timepoint, it is less a debate about religion—thequestion of the Divine is not asked here—and more about different worldviews. Moreimportantly, it seems like she has changed theway she approaches those differentworld-views.While at time 1 and time 2, she talks about reading a lot, at time 3 she explains howshehasmet different peoplewithdifferent backgrounds (and it is implied that shemaybeeven sought those encounters deliberately) and thereby widened her own horizon.Theseencounters also helped her get a better understanding of theworld and of her own stancetowards it, even though she still arrives at the conclusion that her worldview cannot befixed because there are too many unknown variables. This indicates a certain tendencyto hold her ownworldview higher than that of others, since she does not consider it veryplausible toholdfirmbeliefs. In the end,she concludes that those encountershavehelpedher understand people as a whole better.Combining the findings from the data assembled here, Nadine’s worldview can bestbe described as agnostic. She does not want to be associated with any form of organizedreligion, yet she has no fixed opinion regarding the existence of God, which is mirroredalso inher answers on theRepresentationofGodscale.God, forher, is equally authoritar-ian and benevolent aswell as a littlemoremystical and ineffable. All of these scores, how-ever, demonstrate an accordance with normality in the sample average.This also meansthat most people who characterize themselves as atheist and/or as not belonging to onereligion have lower scores on these scales, which might indicate that Nadine is not “fin-ished” dealing with God.Her self-characterization of being spiritual gets less convincedover time, and the meaning it has for her becomes less abstract and less life-defining.However, it becomes clear that thiswhole topic has some relevance forher life.Shenames6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 139it directly when talking about her searching movements in her youth. It is striking thatshe takes a very rational and intellectual approach when investigating other worldviewsand that there obviously is little that she can fall back onto, and there seems to be a strongdesire to engage with this topic, albeit with a critical stance. But, unlike what you wouldexpect from someone who does not have any special form of religiosity or spirituality,Nadine defines herself consistently as “more spiritual than religious.”There is a prevail-ing uncertainty, or, more positively, an openness for something that may be beyond herotherwise rational approach. Looking at her answers regarding her worldview, we see adevelopment insofar as there is less critical engagement with organized religion.Whileshe noticeably contrasts her own stancewith that of faithful people in her first two inter-views, she seems more self-assured in her third interview and more settled in her not-fixed worldview. Interestingly, she mainly talks about reading a lot during times 1 and2, yet at time 3, her focus is on engagement and dialog with people with diverse back-grounds. Even though it cannot be said for certain how much Nadine internalizes fromthese conversations and how much she lets herself be actually changed, it can be statedthat Nadine is moving toward a more xenosophic worldview over the years.Nadine’s Approach to the Question on DeathWhen looking at her FDI ratings (for a discussion of her style assignments, see below), itbecame clear that the question “What does deathmean to you?What happens to uswhenwe die?” might serve as an example to trace how Nadine’s religious style has developedover the years. She takes a seemingly pragmatic approach at time 1:Yeah, it happens. (laughs) I believe […] I’m not afraid of it, though I wouldn’t cheer iteither. It’s just a process, like going to the loo, so, everything that lives in a biologicalsense, dies at one point […]. Even though I adored my grandma, it was not upsettingwhen she died, like, it was not upsetting for me. With that, I am pretty out of theordinary.21 (Nadine, FDI, time 1)She states that death itself is a normal process and just a part of human existence in herestimation. She underlines that opinion by mentioning how unaffected she was by thedeath of her grandmother. Again, she admits that this is something she believes sets herapart from the majority of people, making her special or the “odd one out.”In her second interview, she basically affirms what she said in her first interview butillustrates what she means by telling a story. Keeping in mind that Nadine’s usual wayof answering the questions is more abstract and analytical, it is still not surprising thatwe find this narrative here when Nadine is asked about death, since she talks about herfriend who has suffered a life-threatening condition:140 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 13: Nadine’s Narrative: ”Talking with her Friend”Orientation My friend nearly kicked the bucket more than once, when she had that [medicalcondition X] and I could not visit her in the ICU because I’m not a close relative.Complication But one night I disputed with her—or rather, not with her, that’s the question—per-hapsmybrain did that, but I disputedwith her or her spirit orwhatever awhole nightlong, about her condition, it was like she visited me, spiritually or whatever and Ithought, shit, how far away is she already if she comes to visit me? That was awfullyintense and I tried to break it to her the whole night long, what condition she is in,she did not understand that at all, for her, it was all like, “Why, I’m fine, all is cool andstuff,” […] that was really exhausting, […]. I told her, “You have to decide this. If youwant to go, then go, if youwant to stay, then stay. But you have tomake that decisionbased on facts.”Evaluation But those are experiences that you can’t really tell anyone about and I can’t classifythat. […] Like, I can’t say that was real. Perhapsmy brain did that, I don’t know.Resolution I don’t care, I just take that as it is, as a given, but I know that I don’t knowwhat this isabout. Actually, it’s funny, but interestingly it doesn’t leadme to a faith. (laughs)Coda Yeah, but such things regarding death come tomind, makingme think, if I just takethis for granted, I can imagine that there is something like a spiritual existence thatis connected to the body. 22 (Nadine, FDI, time 2)This narrative illustrates how she handles both emotionally challenging situationsand her “spiritual” streak. It is interesting to note that she pleads for a fact-based ap-proach and asks her friend not to die out of impulse even in this described conversation.It becomes apparent that she is struggling to integrate those episodes into her otherwisescientific mindset. She implies that she cannot classify those experiences, which is whyshe is hesitant to talk about them in the first place, maybe fearing judgment from oth-ers or being labeled with something she does not identify with (“faith” is named here;in her first interview, she mentions not wanting to be called esoteric). Nevertheless, shecan leave the question of who is right in the end open, which is remarkable and a specialfeature of all of her interviews.At time 3, she gives an answer which was rated style 5 (dialogical religious style) inthe FDI analysis:I guess what I think about death is connected to what I think about life. For me,this whole concept is so crazy, to somehow come into being and then be no more.That can’t be understood easily, I believe. [I: And what happens to us when we die?]We rot. (smiles) No, I don’t know, like, on a spiritual level I don’t know that andotherwise, of course, the body decays into its components, in one way or another.And perhaps you passed on your genes and you can wonder whether this leadsanywhere. And everything else, if there is such a thing like a soul beyond the brainand so on, I just can’t tell, the same with the question of a higher power or some-thing else. I have experienced stuff that could be called spiritual experiences. I can’tsay whether my brain fired and mixed something together or not. […] But I just letit stand as it is. And therefore, I can leave open the question as to what happensafter death. I cannot answer this and I will surely find out.23 (Nadine, FDI, time 3)6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 141Thisanswer considers aspects thatwerenotmentioned inherfirst two interviews: amoreholistic viewon life anddeath as awhole.Thebiological side is describedand there is eventhe notion of generativity, i.e. passing on one’s genes. All these aspects are consideredwith a certain curiosity enriched with her spiritual experiences, which add a differentperspective on thewhole topic which is, as she admits, not to be answered easily.Nadineseemsmore certain andmore self-assured in this answer than shewas in her first two in-terviews.The challenge to not ultimately know everything and to deal with uncertaintiesseems like something she is evenmore at peace with.Her development in religious styles can be followed well in those answers. Startingwith style 3 (mutual religious style) and an approach that is rather reticent and defen-sive, she moves on to a more elaborated engagement with the topic of death. At time 3,she can hold different aspects in tension and she seems to be content with not having afinite answer as is typical for the dialogical style 5.The following section will take up thisobservation and triangulate the different data available for Nadine.6.1.3 Nadine’s Development—Triangulating the DataTo complete the picture the narrative analysis of Nadine’s interviews suggests, I presentselected scores from her survey data:Table 14: Selected Data fromNadine’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Nadine M(SD) Nadine M(SD) Nadine M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings2.00 2.63(1.17)1.40 2.42(1.12)1.40 2.60 (1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice4.40 4.35(0.38)5.00 4.28(0.51)4.80 4.56 (0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog4.60 3.64(0.75)3.40 3.57(0.76)4.00 3.75 (0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 4.00 3.67(0.59)3.86 3.20(0.40)3.43 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 3.14 3.67(0.71)2.43 3.72(0.59)2.14 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.71 4.38(0.38)4.29 4.17(0.39)4.14 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers3.29 3.86(0.65)2.71 3.90(0.62)2.57 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 3.43 3.77(0.61)3.14 3.76(0.51)3.29 3.64(0.50)142 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesself-acceptance 3.14 3.79(0.68)3.14 3.86(0.62)2.86 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.08 3.42(0.78)2.67 3.40(0.70)2.50 3.40(0.68)extraversion 2.92 3.26(0.58)2.42 3.25(0.58)2.08 3.20(0.56)openness to experience 3.50 3.90(0.47)3.92 3.89(0.49)3.75 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 3.17 3.74(0.46)3.33 3.73(0.44)3.17 3.78 (0.51)conscientiousness 3.92 3.70(0.49)3.92 3.76(0.51)3.92 3.78(0.50)On the Religious Schema Scale, it is interesting to see that her score for ttt declinesover time and is one standard deviation lower than the sample mean at wave 3. Whileher score for ftr is constantly high, her xenos score is less unambiguous. She may revealthat while she rejects the idea of a dogmatic faith that demands uncritical and literal be-lief, her approach to the strange becomesmore cautious over time.This is also implicitlymirrored in her interviewswhere she presents herself as a personwho is introverted andnot very sociable, evenwhile enjoying discussionswith others.This also shows in her lowscores on environmentalmastery and positive relations with others, which both ask for differ-ent facets of social interactions and general accomplishment of everyday life. Similarlylow, and even declining over time, are her scores for self-acceptance, emotional stability, andextraversion.This all points to a personality with rather low self-esteem along with strug-gles in her biography, resulting in a person who keeps to herself. And while this generaldescriptionmay seem fitting and in accordance of what has been carved out as Nadine’snarrative identity in the interviews, the downward tendency does not show in the inter-views. It seems as if Nadine is more reflective and more stable at time 3; however, thismay be due to the fact that she is very brief in responding to those questions that touchon her personal life and only gets more elaborated when she can give more abstract an-swers.Nadine is an interesting case and reveals unique features in her life story.While notbeing religious, she chooses to characterize herself as spiritual (albeit with faltering cer-tainty) and refrains fromcallingherself atheist in the survey.While thegroupof “spiritualatheists” has been described elsewhere (Keller et al., 2018), Nadine does not fit into thatcategory.When looking for her leitmotif or the essence of her life story, a first approachmay be the label “pragmatic agnostic.” She states in her first two interviews that thereis no way for her to know for sure whether or not God exists and therefore she will notmake a final decision on that. At time 3, this dispute is not brought up again. It seemslike Nadine is more at peace with that unstable worldview and is more content with nothaving strict rules or borders, therefore eliminating the need to place herself in relationto a (Christian) faith. One may see a shift in leitmotifs here. As for the other prominent6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 143features of her interviews, it can be said that Nadine puts a lot of emphasis on her in-tellectual approach to various topics, especially religion and faith.While in the first twointerviews she talks about having read a lot, her focus changes at time 3 to talking withdiverse people. Being open to other worldviews is a motive that is present in all of herinterviews. Openness also applies to her own experiences, which are spiritual and aredefining for her, even though this is a highly controversial label. But she learns to acceptthose experiences and embrace their impact without necessarily having to sort herselfinto a certain corner over the timespan of ten years in which the interviews took place.This is a unique approach and is not an easy one, as is elaborated by Nadine, since sheis struggling with herself and her social surroundings at all timepoints. However, be-ing authentic and true to oneself seems to be another important leitmotif for Nadine asshe presents herself in the interviews.Her development is mirrored in her classificationwithin the religious types as amover upward as shown in the content and narrative anal-ysis of her interview.The aspect stylemaps for her time 1 and time 2 interview show thatNadine’s answers vary between styles 3 and 4 (so from amutual to an individuative-sys-temic religious style).This is typical for a young adult and shows that she ismoving froma more interpersonal approach to a more reflective thinking that can take into accountother positions aswell. At time 3,most of her answerswere rated style 4,which indicatesan increase of explicit reasoning through the explicit reference to the larger society andthe ability to critically reflect on one’s own viewpoints. So she has moved on to a clearlypredominantly individuative-reflective type (type 3) at time 3, even though there may besome more private things that Nadine rather not talks about and which are thereforeharder to take into account as has been noted above.Notes1 Ich bin da eher sehr flexibel im Kopf und bin vielleicht auch nicht so richtig in derLage, mir ein Weltbild fest zusammen zu bauen, womit man natürlich dann aucherst einmal klar kommen muss. […] Tatsächlich fehlt mir die Fähigkeit. Ich habezwischendurch in meinem Leben schon versucht, das irgendwie herzustellen. Mirfehlt die Fähigkeit, an irgendetwas zu glauben.2 Ich würde es wahrscheinlich nach klassischen Entwicklungsphasen gliedern undweniger nach konkreten Ereignissen, oder Denkrichtung o. ä., weil hier geht es jaeher drum, dass man irgendwie ich glaube mit Denkrichtungen und so, aber weißich nicht. Als Kind denktman eben eh ganz anders als Erwachsener. Das kannmannicht vergleichen.3 Es sind halt immer so Sachen, wo sich halt irgendwie was verändert hat, also, fürmich. Jamit acht, neun, also das ist so der erste Abschnitt, da hab ichmich zumers-ten Mal so bewusst entschieden, mir externalisierendes Verhalten abzugewöhnenundmehr zu internalisieren.Mit 13, also ich kann halt keine Überschrift geben,mit13 habe ich eigentlich überhaupt angefangen, mich persönlich viel weiterzuentwi-ckeln, mich mit verschiedenen Themen zu beschäftigen und habe auch überhauptmal ein paarErfahrungengemacht so, also,da hab ich quasi angefangen,dochmichnoch bewusster mit mir und der Umwelt auseinanderzusetzen.144 Leitmotifs in Life Stories4 Naja,dieklassischen,nehme ichan.Kindergarten,Grundschule,Schuleundsowei-ter. So die klassischen Entwicklungsphasen nach externen Maßstäben. [I: WelcheKapitel wären das dann zum Beispiel?] Hm Zeit bis zum Kindergarten, Kindergar-ten, Grundschulzeit, Realschule, Gymnasium, hm Selbstfindungsphase, hm ja, wienenne ich es denn danach? Arbeit, Studium, Arbeit, (lächelt) so.5 […], es ist ja normal, dass man im Leben irgendwie Erfahrung macht und da eineArbeit hat oder das was macht oder so […]. Also so in der Jugendzeit, ich habe von13 – 16 im Tierheim gearbeitet. […] und klar, nach dem Abitur habe ich ganz vieleverschiedene Jobs gemacht, die ja auch für sich genommen wieder irgendwelcheEinschneidungen waren, mit neuen Erfahrungen mit Sachen, die ich neu gelernthabe, weil ich immer ganz viel gemacht habe, was ich überhaupt nicht konnte, umes zu lernen. Also, ich habemir eigentlich immer Jobs und Arbeiten gesucht, außerdas Tierheim, das Tierheim war Passion, aber den Rest habe ich mir immer nachdemAspekt ausgesucht,was kann ichgarnicht,wohabe ichdengrößtenHorror vorund habe das dann probiert und dementsprechend habe ich dadurch immer ganzviele Erfahrungen gesammelt, […] weil ich mir dachte, hey, deine Entwicklung istvielleicht noch nicht so ganz abgeschlossen in dem Alter, du kannst noch was rum-reißen.6 Das ging dann ja ein paar Jahre so, dann dachte ich mir so, ich muss auf die Beinekommen irgendwie,muss irgendwasmachen. […] Eswar einfach auch ein bisschenBockigkeit, weil man hatte für mich ein anderes Leben vorgesehen, als ich mir daseigentlich so vorgestellt hatte so.Man wird ja recht schnell einfach auch abgestem-pelt und kommt in ein System, hm, in demman auch einfach,wennman sich nichtwehrt, Opfer bleibt, sage ich jetztmal oder, ne, einfach krank bleibt. […] UndmeinePerspektive war nicht so rosig […], und dementsprechend war das dann schon fürmich auch so einMotor, irgendwaswieder zumachen. […]Und ich glaube, letztend-lich für mich ist der größte Antriebsmotor eigentlich immer Angst. Angst vor denAlternativen. Also das kann man so über das Leben hinweg sagen, alles, was ich je-mals geschafft oder gemacht habe, ist größtenteils Angst vor den Alternativen. Dasist etwas deprimierend, aber das ist so, ja.7 Muss man natürlich immer vorsichtig sein, wie man das alles erzählt, aber ich warrelativ depressiv und es ging mir schlecht. Ich habe manchmal über Selbstmordnachgedacht, nie ernsthaft versucht, aber nachgedacht und habe dann einmal ei-nen sehr intensiven Traum gehabt und danach war das gegessen also mit dem… dawusste ich Bescheid.Daswar sehr interessant. Also solche Sachen habe ich auch öf-ter gehabt, dass ich irgendwo, wo auch immer das herkommt, ich erlaube mir haltauchkeinUrteil darüber,ob ich auf anderenEbenenunterwegswarund imHimmelwar und solche Sachen. Also Himmel ist auch verkehrt. Ich glaube ja nicht an die-sen christlichenHimmel. […]Ob das jetzt ausmeinemGehirn, sonstwoher kommt,wo das herkommt, das weiß ich nicht. Also verrückt bin ich nicht (Lachen) aber daswaren auch teilweise hilfreiche Sachen. […] Die Begriffe sind schwierig, weil vieleEsoteriker sind da dann auch so in die Richtung, mit denen ich auch nicht in einerSchublade stecke, aber es gibt so was wie ein höheres Bewusstsein, was eigentlichimmer da ist, wo man aber nicht immer dran kommt und in dieser Nacht, da binich da einfach drangekommen. […] Und imNachhinein ist das so, dasWissen ist ei-6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 145gentlich immer da gewesen, aber man kam nicht dran und deshalb war das so eineErleuchtung.8 Das ist nurwahrscheinlich ein bisschen schwierig zu beschreiben, ichmeine, ande-re Leutewürden eswahrscheinlich– ichweiß, ich nehmedas so hin–unter spiritu-elle Erlebnisse verbuchen, aber ich hatte dochmal immermal wieder sehr erhellen-de Erlebnisse, Erfahrungen, Eingebungen so, die mich eben dann weitergebrachthaben. Also, zum Beispiel war ich sehr viel in meiner Jugend und so depressiv undhabe auch öfter über Selbstmord nachgedacht und mir das überlegt, dass ich keinBock mehr habe und überhaupt, aber ich habe dann eben doch... mir wurde ge-zeigt oder ich habe eine Erfahrung gemacht, keine Ahnung, ist ja auch völlig egal,was mein Gehirn dann gemacht hat, aber seitdem konnte ich nie wieder ernsthaftdarüber nachdenken, […]. Also, das war ganz, ganz interessant, ich weiß aber nichtgenau, wie man das nennen soll, also, ob man das jetzt Vision nennen soll oder ir-gendwas, ja, seitdem ist dasThema eben vom Tisch und es ist irgendwie immer so:Ichweiß inmeinemLeben eigentlich nie,wie esweitergeht, ich habe überhaupt garkeinZiel,hängtwahrscheinlich auchmitmeinemmangelndenSelbstbild undWelt-bildundüberhauptallenBildernzusammen.[…]SolcheSachenhabe ichmanchmal.Das sind ja letztendlich zwar schon auch irgendwie Teile von mir, die da anschei-nend irgendwas machen, aber das kann eben auch gegen meine eigentliche Mei-nung gehen. […] Und solche Sachen habe ich zwischendurch, diemich dann immerin eine Richtung wieder schieben. Ja, das ist ganz interessant.9 Es gibt damanchmal soEingebungen,wo ichweiß, ichmussdas jetzt tun.Die kom-men aus demNichts oder ichweiß,warum ich irgendetwas nicht tun sollte oder […]ich kriege dann irgendwie einen bestimmten Traum, der sich von dem normalenTraumblödsinn, denman träumt, unterscheidet. Und dann weiß ich eben… bin ichquasimorgens dann jemand anderes,weil ich dann, oh, okay, dasmuss jetzt anderssein.Und das gefälltmir nicht immer, das hat sich aber eigentlich immer als richtigerwiesen so. […] Ich glaube, das Markanteste ist einfach, dass ich irgendwannmal,irgendwie quasi von einer Nacht auf die andere, durch eben so ein bestimmtes Er-lebnis wusste, dass ichmich nicht umbringenwerde oderwill. […] Seit dieserNachthabe ich da halt niemehr ernsthaft drüber nachgedacht. […]Was ich auch teilweiseein bisschen blöd finde, (lächelt) aber, genau, deswegen würde ich sagen: Ja, sowasgibt es.10 Es gibt nichts Unspirituelles, ich betrachte alles was ist als spirituell. Begrifflichkei-ten sind Interpretationssache und ich sehe eine Definition von etwas nicht als dieeinzige, sondern als eine mögliche.11 Geistigkeit, inneres Leben.12 Für mich persönlich bedeutet Religion: religiare-Rückverbindung (zu Gott) Inmeinem allgemeinen Sprachgebrauch bedeutet esmir allerdings: einmenschlichesKonstrukt, geschaffen, um sich daran festhalten zu können und Sinnhaftigkeit zuproduzieren.13 Glaubenssystemmit metaphysischem oder transzendentem Inhalt.14 Wörtlich: Rückverbindung.15 Mhm, spirituell. Aber wie gesagt spirituell was heißt das? […] Das ist fürmich nichtmit einer Gemeinschaft verbunden oder mit kleinem Grüppchen mit dem ich zu-146 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessammengluckeodermit einerGlaubensrichtung. […] Ichglaube zumspirituell sein,ist für mich eigentlich nur, dass man versucht bewusst zu leben und nach bestemWissen undGewissen zu leben und achtsam zu sein und auchmal versuchen hinterdie Sachen zuguckenund einfach offen zu sein für alles […],weil der andereMenschist ja genauso ein Teil der Schöpfungwie ich,warum soll der Unrecht haben und ichRecht? Nee, das kann ja eigentlich gar nicht sein und darum ist Spiritualität viel fürmich ein Bewusstsein dieser Ebene, auf der es keine Bewertung gibt. Auf meinerunterenmenschlichen Ebenewerte ich genausowie jeder andereMensch auch.Ne,lässt sich ja nicht vermeiden. […] Aber ich bin oft auf dieser Ebene,wo es keineWer-tung gibt.16 Gläubig schonmal gar nicht. Religiös in demSinne,wie es konnotiert ist in unsererGesellschaft auch nicht, am ehesten würde ich aber wahrscheinlich schon sagen,so einen spirituellen Einschlag habe ich allein aufgrund dieser Erlebnisse und auf-grunddessen,dass ichmichdamit auch viel auseinandergesetzt hab, also inmeinerJugendund so,wo ichnoch auf der Suchewar. Ich habemich vielmitGlaube,Religi-on und Spiritualität beschäftigt und da ist mir die Spiritualität – so wie der Begriffverwendet wird – am nähesten. Also, ich würde mich schon tatsächlich als latentspirituellen Menschen beschreiben… […] Manchmal hab ich mir schon früher ge-wünscht, ich könnte [religiös sein], weil, es ist schön, wennman so ein System hat,das einemHalt gibt, das ist total hilfebringend ja, so, aber, da ich das nicht kann, ichkönnte mich da nie einfügen oder das nie für mich annehmen, so zu sagen: Das istwahr, das ist falsch, das ist gut, das ist schlecht, das ist richtig, das sind die Gesetze,das sind die Gebote, so sollst du leben, Gott ist das und das, du sollst dich so nachGott verhalten, also das ist... nee.17 Hm, von den dreiWörternmaximal spirituell, aber das auchmit Vorsicht, weil, ichfühle mich eben, wie gesagt, keiner Gruppe zugehörig, keiner Glaubensgemein-schaft. Ich verfolge kein spezielles Weltbild oder Modell oder irgendwas. Ich inter-essiere mich aber für solche Sachen, ich interessiere mich für Religion, Spirituali-tät, dafür, was andere Menschen glauben, welche Erfahrungen sie gemacht haben,welche Erkenntnisse sie auf demGebiet haben, dafür interessiere ichmich, und dabeschäftige ich mich auch mit, hin und wieder. […] Und ich verbinde mit Spiritua-lität jetzt eben kein festes System oder irgendwie, […]. Also ich bin jetzt auch nie-mand, der irgendwie sagt: „Ja und wenn der Typ da Engel sehen kann, hat er einenan derWaffel oder so?“ Ich nehme das so hin und gucke mal, also, ne, kann so sein.Also so, ich werte das jetzt nicht unbedingt.18 Ich habe mich dann relativ früh, so mit 10, 11 ging es langsam los, angefangen mitReligion zubeschäftigen. Ichhabe,als ich 13war,dieBibel gelesen.Alsowirklich vonvorne bis hinten. Ich glaube, ich bin einer der seltenenMenschen, die das gemachthaben, weil das ist ja ein elendiges Gequäle durch die ganzen Stammbäume im Al-ten Testament sich durchzulesen. Das ist ja Wahnsinn. […] Ja, ich wollte einfach,ne, ich war quasi auf der Suche ne. Also wollte einfach gucken, was haben die Leu-te davon. Macht das Sinn? Macht das keinen Sinn? Wie stehe ich dazu? Ich wolltedas alles erfahren. […] War dann auch zwei, drei Mal auf einem christlichen Zelt-lager, so als 12-, 13-Jährige. […] Bin aber schon damals mit einigen Ansichten nichtso konform gegangen und dementsprechend habe ichmich dann auch tiefer damit6. Nadine—Spiritual Experiences without a Faith 147auseinandergesetzt und bin dann auch vom Christentum abgekommen. […] Alsoich war eigentlich da immer sehr viel auf der Suche zu gucken,wiemachen das an-dereMenschen […] undhabe da auch ganz viel verarbeitet, drüber nachgedacht, vielgelesen. […] Ja und ich habe mir immer sehr viele Gedanken gemacht und bin abereigentlich immer zu demSchluss gekommen,wenn es Gott gibt, dann kann ich dasehnicht rausfindenundwenn es ihnnicht gibt auchnicht.Also,ne, ich bin vielleichtviel zu sehr Logiker […]. Aber ich erlaubemir eigentlich kein großartigesUrteil überGott, weil ich das nicht ermessen kann.19 Ab so 12, 13 – vielleicht fing es schon ein bisschen früher an –war ich erst einmal ei-gentlich immer auf der Suche nachmeinemWeltbild und habe mich wirklich auchviel mit allem Möglichen beschäftigt, mit Religion, Philosophie, ich hab die Bibelvon vorne bis hinten gelesen, ich habe mich mit Buddhismus viel beschäftigt, also,was man dann so tut […]. Ich hab es dann auch nochmal in der Phase, wo es mirrecht schlecht ging, war ich glaube ich auch noch irgendwie am Suchen in irgend-einer Form, aber ja, also ich suche schon seit vielen Jahren eigentlich nicht mehraktiv nach irgendwas, weil das so für mich in Ordnung ist, wie es ist. […] Ich bin daeher sehr flexibel im Kopf und bin vielleicht auch nicht so richtig in der Lage, mireinWeltbild fest zusammen zu bauen,womitman natürlich dann auch erst einmalklar kommenmuss. […] Tatsächlich fehltmir die Fähigkeit. Ich habe zwischendurchin meinem Leben schon versucht, das irgendwie herzustellen. Mir fehlt die Fähig-keit, an irgendetwas zu glauben, […]. Ich kann eben auch nicht sagen: Es gibt Gott,es gibt Gott nicht, weil ich weiß das natürlich nicht, und es hat für mich keine Re-levanz, weil ich es nicht rausfinden werde, vernünftig, also, dementsprechend istmeinWeltbild quasi, also, wennman jetzt das auch damit verbindet, aber auch all-gemein, halt nicht so fest.20 Ichhabedann irgendwannsoabacht,glaube ich,habe ich langsamangefangen,mirzu überlegen, habe ich einWeltbild? Undwenn ja,wie sieht es aus? […] Und seitdemschaue ichmir inderRegel recht vieleWeltbilder an.Also letztendlich ist es fürmichschwer,weil sich natürlich jederMensch ein Bild von derWeltmacht, also auch ich.Aber ich könnte jetzt nicht von mir behaupten, dass ich ein festes Weltbild hätte.Es sind einfach zu viele Variablen, die ich nicht alle objektiv berücksichtigen kann,weil ich ein subjektives Wesen bin, […]. Ich versuche eben, für mein Leben dem-entsprechend mir das rauszusuchen, was gerade in der Situation wichtig ist oderrelevant ist odermir grad nützt. […] Also ich habemich da vielmit beschäftigt, habeauch entsprechendMenschen kennengelernt unddie befragt zu ihremGlauben. […]Das hat zumindest, glaube ich, auch meinen Horizont, was andere Menschen be-trifft, erweitert, ja, und dementsprechend ja auch zu meinem basalen Verständnisder Welt beigetragen, also letztendlich auch zu meinemWeltbild, was ich schlechtgreifen kann, weil es nicht fix ist, aber Glauben oder Weltbilder haben ja vor allenDingen mit Menschen zu tun und dementsprechend habe ich viel über Menschengelernt, ja.21 Ja passiert. (Lachen) Ich glaube, […] ich habe da keine Angst vor, ich würde ihn auchnicht bejubeln. Es ist einfach nur ein Prozess, wie aufs Klo gehen also, ne, alles wasbiologisch lebt, stirbt irgendwann […].Obwohl ichmeineOmaüber alles geliebt ha-148 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesbe, war es auch nicht schlimm fürmich, dass sie gestorben ist also, das ist für michnicht schlimm.Damit falle ich schon ziemlich aus dem Rahmen.22 Meine Freundin ist mehrfach fast verreckt, also, als sie die [Krankheit X] hatte undich konnte sie auf der Intensivstation natürlich nicht besuchen,weil ich keine naheAngehörige bin. […] Aber ich habemit ihr quasi eine ganzeNacht, oder nichtmit ihr–das ist so die Frage–vielleicht hatmeinGehirndas gemacht, aber ich habemit ihrodermit ihremGeist oder somal eine ganze Nacht lang disputiert, in welchem Zu-stand sie ist, also ich hab quasi, sie hat mich besucht, geistig, wie auch immer undich dachte: Scheiße, wie weit ist die denn schon weg, dass die mich besucht? Daswar übelst krass und dann hab ich die ganze Nacht versucht ihr beizubringen, inwelchem Zustand sie ist, die hat das überhaupt nicht verstanden, für die war alles,„Och, mir geht’s gut, alles cool und so“, […] das war fürchterlich anstrengend, […].Ich habe ihr gesagt: „Du musst das entscheiden. Wenn du gehen willst, geh, wenndu bleiben willst, bleib. Aber dumusst die Entscheidung aufgrund von Fakten tref-fen.“ […] Aber das sind so Erlebnisse, die kann man ja eigentlich keinem erzählenund ich kann das halt nicht einordnen. […] Also, ich kann nicht sagen, das war real.Vielleicht hat mein Gehirn das gemacht, keine Ahnung. Ist mir auch egal, ich neh-me das eben so hin, als für mich gegeben, aber ich weiß eben, dass ich nicht weiß,was da jetzt dran ist. Es ist eigentlich ganz komisch, aber es verleitet mich komi-scherweise nicht zum Glauben. (lacht), ja, aber genau solche Sachen in Bezug aufTod fallen mir eben ein, sodass ich denke: Wenn ich das jetzt erst mal so als gege-ben nehme, kann ich mir vorstellen, dass es so was wie eine geistige Existenz, diemit dem Körper verbunden ist, gibt.23 Ich glaube, alles, was ich über den Tod denke, ist auch verknüpft mit dem, was ichüber das Leben denke. Ich finde überhaupt dieses ganze Konzept so abgefahren,irgendwie zu entstehen und dann nicht mehr zu sein. Das ist nichts, was man soeinfach begreifen kann, glaube ich. [I: Und was passiert mit uns, wenn wir ster-ben?] Wir verrotten. (lächelt) Nein, ich weiß nicht, also auf einer spirituellen Ebe-ne weiß ich es nicht und ansonsten, klar, der Körper zersetzt sich wieder in seineBestandteile, auf die eine oder andere Art. Undman hat dann vielleicht seine Geneweitergetragenundkannsichüberlegen,obdas jetzt irgendwienochweiterführendist. Und alles andere, ob es so etwas wie eine Seele jenseits des Gehirns gibt und soweiter und so fort, kann ich genauso wenig sagen, wie die Frage nach der höherenMacht oder irgendwas anderem. Ich habe ja nun durchaus einige Sachen erlebt, dieman als spirituelle Erlebnisse bezeichnenwürde. Ich kann ja jetzt auch nicht sagen,ob mein Gehirn das sich zusammengefeuert hat oder nicht. […] Also ich lasse dasso stehen. Und dementsprechend lasse ich es fürmich auch so stehen,was passiertnach dem Tod? Das kann ich nicht beantworten und ich werde es rausfinden, ne.7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfareof Others?Renate and Richard, a couple in their late 50s/mid-60s at the time of the first inter-view,have lived their entire liveswithin the realms of the Protestant Church, both havinggrown up in families of missionaries in different African countries. The mission’s maingoals in Africa at the time were to herald the Word of God, which was to be achievedby founding schools and alphabetizing especially the children (cf. Tiletschke, 2020, pp.124ff, for further details) to help care for the sick and people in need, especially after the2ndWorldWar. Interestingly, neither Richard nor Renate dwell on their or their parents’work in the missionary station. They both came to Germany when they wanted to pur-sue a professional training.Their families being acquainted, Renate and Richard met inGermany and got married, albeit before Renate could even start her vocational training.The first years of their marriage were spent in a missionary station in an African coun-try, where they started a family as well. After their return to Germany, they were askedto serve as house parents1 in a home for elderly people led by the Protestant Church.This chapter will first portray Renate and carve out how the way she looks at her lifehas changed over time as well as show how she lives her faith andwhat values are impor-tant for her. In a similar manner, Richard will be introduced to be then able to comparehow this long-term couple talks about their joint life.7.1 Renate—Unfaltering Trust in a Leading God“God is standing above all, but he gavethe people a free will so they can decidefor themselves if they work for or againstGod. But in the end, he is there anywayand will save the world somehow.”2Renate is a woman aged 59 at the time of the first interview, which was conducted in2004.Her (aswell asRichard’s) other interviews tookplace in 2013 and2018.At that time-point, she is 73 years old. She was brought up in a Protestant environment, and lived in150 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesan African country during her childhood and adolescence as the daughter of missionar-ies. Shewent to Germany to start a vocational training, but then, “my husband came up,”meaning that instead of pursuing her vocational training, she got married and followedher husband to Africa where he worked in a mission and they started a family. Comingback to Germany after eight years, they jointly worked as heads of an old people’s home,whichwas run by the Protestant church.This case studywill reconstruct Renate’s biogra-phy as told by herself at three different points in time.A focuswill be on the relationshipsdescribed and on the way her faith has changed over time.7.1.1 Renate’s Life Reviews and the Relationship with her Parents—Changes inOld AgeRenate seems hesitant to reveal a lot of personal information at time 1.This may be dueto the fact that she is not used to being asked about her life and being in the focus of at-tention. She appears to be verymodest and admits to not having a lot of self-confidence,probably in linewith theProtestant habitus she grewupwith.After having briefly namedthe main chapters of her life (childhood, school, life as an adult with husband and chil-dren—which can be characterized as a rather conventional CV), she names as the mostimportant marker event her father’s untimely death:My father’s death when I was ten. For my life, that was very—, erm, I noticed thatover and over again, in hindsight I felt that very strongly. That was a deep incision.3(Renate, FDI, time 1)She remains vague about the impact this event has had on her, andwe do not learnmuchabout how this has affected her later life during this first interview. She also states whenasked about times of crisis, “I did experience suffering,due to the fact thatmy father diedearly. But that has never challenged my relation to God.”4 It becomes apparent that thetrust in God and a self-identification as faithful and devout are importantmotifs for herwhen telling her life story.At time 2, her father’s death is named again as a marker event; however, this time itis mentioned among other events that are connoted more positively like her marriage,whichmight be read as a sign that the loss has become amore integrated part of her lifestory.Butwhen giving a short overview of her life, this event is still given some attention:Yes, first, there is the childhood. Then the time at school. I lost my father very earlyand so there was an abrupt change when I was ten. Then I was sent to a differentschool. That was kind of a boarding school. All of this took place in [country X inAfrica]. […] But I realized that my father’s death has greatly influenced my life, sothat there basically was a caesura.5 (Renate, FDI, time 2)Here, she gives a little evidence on the effects that her father’s death have had on her,besides the fact that she had a close relationship with him and missed him with thedeath being framedas a formative experience andused as an autobiographical argument(Köber et al., 2015). His death led to her having to go to a different school and, the new7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 151school being a boarding school, having to leave the rest of her family as well and start-ing anew in a whole different context. It remains unclear how this is connected, but itbecomes visible in this quote that Renate deems this important for her autobiographi-cal reasoning at this point, indicating how much this event has affected the young girl.Knowing that this event is seen as formative across all interviews, it seems necessary tolook at Renate’s statements about her parents in more detail.At time 1, she first does not differentiate between her father and her mother thatmuch when asked about her parents:For sure they set an example for me. And gave me a lot, regarding my faith. Es-pecially my mother. […] We come from a longstanding tradition of Christians. […]Yes, I am grateful toward them. That they set that example.6 (Renate, FDI, time 1)She describes her parents in the context of their shared faith and within their functionof passing on their faith. She sees her parents as role models and describes a long tra-dition of being socialized in a religious surrounding. She gets more specific when askedwhether the image of her parents has changed over time:Surely, erm, my mother (searching for words) was a bit of a dominant person. Andperhaps for my personality or my autonomy, it was quite good sometimes whenshe wasn’t there anymore. But I am not resentful toward her. She even asked mefor forgiveness. For all the mistakes that she made raising me. That was quite animportant thing. […] And, erm, after that, we did not see her again, […] so thatI am happy that we could come to terms with that and I did not have to resentanything with grudge.7 (Renate, FDI, time 1)Renate hesitates before admitting that her mother impeded her personal development.Probably talking about her in a critical way does not seem appropriate. It is not surpris-ing that after the negative prolog, she goes on and talks about how hermother has askedfor forgiveness and how she does not hold any grudge against her. This should be alsoread in the Christian context, in which forgiveness or atonement is an important con-cept and which gains even more symbolic importance here since this reconciliation wasalso the last time she ever saw hermother (they lived far apart and did not see each otheron a regular basis). In retrospect, Renate has found a way to keep the more positive im-age she has of her mother at time 1. Moreover, this positive resolution might also servethe purpose of resolving a cognitive dissonance. Coming to the realization that “it wasquite good sometimes” to not have hermother around anymore,Renatemight feel guiltyfor having these thoughts, and an inner conflict might be suspected. Therefore, a posi-tive conclusion as in the quote above may have helped her to integrate also the negativefeelings into an overall positive remembering of her mother.There is more information on the difficult relationship with her mother at time 2:I had a very close relationship with my father and my mother was the more domi-nant person in our family. And she dominated my life, too. And I realized only laterthat she—probably due to my father’s death—she was the one who had to raise usand therefore dominated my life and thereby led me to a sort of dependence. […]152 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesI first experienced a rift with my mother when I was married. That I cut the cord.She tried (laughing) to gain influence in our life, in the way I raised my children,and that was when I fought back. But I had a conciliatory conclusion because sheasked me for forgiveness. For the mistakes that she made with me. I did not feelit that way when she said it. I said, “I don’t have anything to forgive you,” but laterI realized how she influenced my life. And I am grateful that we came to a goodconclusion.8 (Renate, FDI, time 2)At the beginning of her answer, shemakes a clear distinction betweenher father,who shewas very close to, and hermother, who obviously dominated her in a negative way.Thereare remarks which suggest an understanding for her mother’s situation of involuntarilyand suddenly becoming a single parent, which marks the father’s death as a formativeexperience again.The rift with hermother that she describes was notmentioned at time1, and it shows that Renate has adopted a more self-assured way of looking at herselfbecause she mentions standing up against her dominant mother. Interestingly, the riftoccurs only when her own role as a mother seems threatened along with the wellbeingof her children, and it might be hypothesized that this is because Renate feels caughtbetween sympathizing with her mother and having to compete with her mother abouthow to fulfill that role now that she is a mother herself. The retelling of the “atonementscene” contains the awareness of a development in hindsight, since shementions she didnot realize at first that she actually had been influenced by her mother in an unhealthyway (whichmaybe partly explainedby a changedmemory or an altered evaluation of thatevent).The discrepancy in the perception of her parents becomes even clearer at time 3.Thefollowing quotes are derived from answers to different questions:[I: Are there past relationships that have been important for your development asa person?] Well, I was totally daddy’s girl. It’s often like that with daughters andfathers, right? That surely influenced me, even though it was quite a short time. Ithink I inherited his humor, his calm manner. […] [I: How would you describe yourparents?] Since I’ve known my father as a small child only, it’s hard to tell. All Iknow is that he was a very cheerful man, full of humor, affectionate. I never sawhim being aggressive. My mother was the stricter one, more educational, the onewho scolded. […] But unfortunately, I didn’t get to know my father as an adult.9(Renate, FDI, time 3)When she describes her father, she solely refers to his good characteristics and evenstates that she was “daddy’s girl,” which emphasizes the close relationship between thetwo. She even goes so far as to hypothesize that she inherited those good character traitsfrom him. Her mother, in comparison, was stricter. Renate admits that it may not beentirely fair to compare her parents like this, having known her father only when shewas a child, thereby showing a more systematic view on relationships than in her firstinterviews. However, the distinction between the loving father—an idealized imagemost probably—and the scolding mother stays true for her when reminiscing abouther childhood. Her mother, as has been mentioned in the earlier interviews as well,7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 153has always been a dominant person in her marriage as well as in the role of a caretaker.Renate elaborates on her mother’s role in her life as well at time 3:She surely dominated me for a time, even though I didn’t realize that, but shedetermined my life. And when I married, I was out of her sphere of influence andin my own purview. And I think that was beneficial for me probably. There was arift with my mother. Because then I had my children and she tried to influence orgive advice or […] in parts to rule over my life. […] And for me it was beneficial whenshe wasn’t there anymore. […] And only a few years ago I realized that because ofmy father’s death I felt responsible for comforting my mother because I was theonly one who was there when my father died. […] And I think I did not have thestrength to revolt against her orders. […] [I: Has the image of your parents changedover time?] My mother—as a child, of course you saw her as an authority person.Later I saw her in a more, erm, critical light. Well, then she died. Perhaps I was toocritical sometimes, […] so that I could not appreciate enough the good sides thatshe had.10 (Renate, FDI, time 3)This account takes an interesting turn thatwas not there at time 1 or 2. First, Renate talksabout the influence hermother tried to take on her life and how beingmarried helped toget out of themotherly reach.There is an explanation given forwhy the relationshipwithher mother was complicated, which was not mentioned before. Being the only child liv-ing at homewhenher father died, she felt responsible to take care of hermother andmayhave taken a certain pride in being so important for her mother, carrying responsibilityfar beyond her actual age,which obviously led to a burdensome relationship, resulting inRenate’s inability to revolt against hermother.Thatmotif of the daughterwhohas to takecare of her widowed mother will occur again in the case study of Carola (see chapter 8),and hints, in Renate’s case, to a relationship oscillating between the wish to comfort andplease the mother and her wish for independence. However, the last part of the quoteabove adds a self-critical note to Renate’s critical stance toward her mother. Althoughshe remains vague about the good sides that her mother might have had, she admitsthat her anger and the wish to distance herself from hermother might have clouded herjudgment.This seems like a late remorse, considering that hermother has been dead fordecades at that point in time. Again, it is interesting to see how such a profound revi-sion of a meaningful relationship can happen even at such a late point in life and howthe engagement with a relationship may go on even if the other person involved is notthere anymore. The comparison still remains unbalanced since her mother, as the “sur-viving parent,” is the only one who could ever serve as sparring partner for adolescentand grown-up Renate.It is interesting to seehowmuch the relationshipwithhermother and the early deathof her father have influenced Renate’s life. However, Renate’s view on these two peoplehas changedwithher evaluationbecomingmore idealizingwhen talkingabouther fatherwhile being more differentiated regarding her mother. Having entered old age, Renatehas arrived at being able to analyze theways hermother influenced hermore profoundlythan in her first two interviews.154 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesHaving made this interesting observation, it seems mandatory to take a look at an-other relationship that has shapedRenate’s life: themarriagewith her husband,Richard,which is strongly connected with her faith and her professional life.7.1.2 Renate’s Relationship with Richard and her Self-Presentation—Marriage and MissionHaving grown up in an African country, Renate came to Germany to start a vocationaltraining. There, she met her later husband and instead of pursuing her job ambitions,shemarried Richard and followed him to another African country where he was to servein a missionary station. Renate speaks about her husband in an affectionate way, andthe harmony of the relationship is stressed at all timepoints. It also becomes clear thatthis early marriage went along with a high degree of commitment and dependency eventhoughRenatedoesnot seemtofind that too lamentable.What is striking is thatmeetingand living with her husband is connected with her belief in God, as becomes apparent inher first interview when she is asked for moments of intense joy:Yes, my husband for sure. (laughs) I believe that he for me was a special strokeof luck, and because of my husband I was surely able to feel and perceive thisrelationship with God more strongly. […] Yes, I perceived my husband to be God’sgift, […] that it was God’s will and that God gave me the love for my husband. Andthat for me was a great fortune.11 (Renate, FDI, time 1)Meeting her husband is described as something fateful and is fully ascribed toGod’swill.Her image of God comes across here as a leading and,more importantly, benevolent fig-ure who has made her the biggest gift possible in her eyes. In return, the life with herhusband has deepened her faith, and the shared religion is an important marker of hermarriage.This is explainedmore explicitly in her third interview:My husband and I both have a history of mission, our parents had been on a mis-sionary station together, so our families were acquainted. And that was a special actof providence that we got married. […] You knew what the other one was talkingabout and that was something special.12 (Renate, FDI, time 3)Renate gives important biographical background information: her family having a “his-tory of mission,”13 and having grown up in the special surrounding of a missionary sta-tion, Renate probably made experiences of strangeness when encountering people out-side the missionary context, even though this is not mentioned explicitly in her inter-views.But as she describes the “act of providence” (which, again, grants credit to a higherpower) of meeting and marrying her husband, it becomes clear that the shared back-ground, the possibility to referencemutual experiences, and the shared faith are impor-tant factors for Renate when she explains why her husband is so important for her. Ithas been reported elsewhere (Bullik et al., 2018) that being able to share uncommon ex-periences with someone who has made those themself can be an important factor forovercoming those feelings of alienness and help integrate those experiences in a coher-7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 155ent personal narrative.Her secure familial basis is offered also as an explanation for whyshe never felt her life had nomeaning:I guess that’s also because I have a happy relationship. And I’m well integrated intothe family. […] I believe that’s the reason; I had a very sheltered childhood, maybenot all the time, yes, but I grew up in a family. I have relationships in the extendedfamily and am also feeling comfortable in my husband’s family. And therefore thequestion never came up, I never questioned my life’s meaning.14 (Renate, FDI, time3)These secure bounds are used as an autobiographical argument with the biographicalinformation given serving as an argument for why she has that rather positive stancetoward life. It seems as if nothing of this was achieved by herself with God or,more gen-erally, fate seeming responsible for shaping and leading her life.Without having even startedher vocational training,Renate followedherhusbandonhis missionary work to Africa, where they started a family and lived for some years. Ontheir return to Germany, her husband became the head of a Christian home for elderlypeople, and Renate served as housemother, which was a fortunate coincidence since shecould now combine being there for her family with having a satisfying job:Working in a home for elderly people is really enriching. Because you can give somuch love to the people there. And I received so much affection there. […] Andwe tried to take those people as they are. To give them a bit of a home. And thatwas something really beautiful, for both my husband and me. To be able to dothis work together, even though I was only the head’s wife, but I was working asa housemother in the home. And […] this was so enriching, to do something likethat together.15 (Renate, FDI, time 1)Here, she shows her caring and altruistic attitude. She relishes being a housemother andcaring for the people who live in their home. In a small side note, she mentions that shecould not completely shed the notion of being “only the head’s wife,” a negative conno-tation probably related to the fact that she did not earn her own money with this job.Händler-Schuster (2013) reports that housemothers neither got an individual salary nordid they earn the right to a pension, often going alongwith a lack of acknowledgement oftheir work.This is an observation which does not hold true for all housemothers at thattime, but which seems applicable to Renate’s situation. Nevertheless, doing this workwith her husband seems to be fulfilling for her, and it can be inferred that they both dotheir work in line with their Christian faith even though this is notmentioned directly inthis quote.While she does not talk at length about this part of her life in her second interview,it is interesting to note that the term she uses to describe their position in that home is“house parents,” which has a stronger notion of equality between her and her husbandthan the description she gives at time 1.At time 3, she takes some time to elaborate on this topic, which is interesting, sinceshe and her husband have by then been retired for a while already:156 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWhen we came back [from Africa], I stayed at home first, my husband being deputyhead of the home here. And after five years, we were asked to take over the man-agement of the home together, and that’s how I got on board. And that was a verygrateful task, to see the gratefulness of the old people and to experience it andfeel it. […] [I: And you did that without any special vocational training?] Withouta training, yes. I simply did not have a profession and so I became housemother,that was the term used back then. […] Back then, the deacon couple ran the homesfor the elderly and that’s how we became the house parents. We were still young,we would have rather been [the inhabitants’] children, but it was very, very nice allthe same.16 (Renate, FDI, time 3)Here, we get the impression that her engagement as housemother was not a by-productof her husband’s employment but that it was intentionally decided to have a couple ashead of house and that she consciously made that decision together with her husband.The constellation does not change much, but Renate’s position seems revaluated gradu-ally at.Moreover, the fact that she did that job without being professionally trained evenemphasizes her personal achievement with her being young and comparatively inexpe-rienced at the time adding to that picture of a person who has shaped her own life.Thisargument is not very strong in Renate’s interviews, but the fact that it can be detected inher third interview at all is remarkable. She gives more insight into her line of thoughtregarding her working life at a different point in the third interview:I worked a little here and there, but never did that vocational training. And thatgave me inferiority complexes, since having no real training made me feel incom-plete (smiles) as a professional. That’s why being a housemother was so great forme. In forms, I could fill in “housemother,” instead of having to write “without ajob” or just “housewife.”17 (Renate, FDI, time 3)Renate talks about a feeling of inferiority because she never got that vocational trainingshe had wanted to start before meeting her husband, illustrating this with the questionof how to fill out a form when asked for profession. Even though it was not unusual fora woman of her generation to be a housewife exclusively, Renate reveals here that sheoriginally had different ambitions and may have been regretting certain life choices atsome point in her life.Having a proper title for what she was doing presumably led to anexternallymore coherent self-perception and helped her becomemore self-assured. It isinteresting to note that she verbalizes this the most expressively at time 3, at a point intime where she has long been retired and would probably not have to justify herself. Asis described in other case studies (see, for example, Bullik et al. (2022), and chapter 9.1on Gudrun), this is something that can be observed in older women especially who takethe chance to re-interpret their lives or at least give their life stories amore emancipatedtouch in the last phase of their lives.Renate’s life is shaped by the triad of marriage, mission, and faith, and it is hardlypossible to separate those from another. Whereas the relationship with her mother hasbeen subject to ups and downs over the years as has been reconstructed in the last para-graph, the relationship with her husband is consistently described in a positive way asis her work that she perceived as fulfilling. The analysis in this paragraph showed how7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 157Renate, while staying within this frame of reference, achieves a gradual shift in her per-spective on herself and on the work she did together with her husband. Her narrativeidentity becomes more contoured and gains more depth without losing its general out-line.Having in mind that Renate’s life is in all facets influenced by her religious orienta-tion and her faith, the next paragraph will investigate more closely how her subjectivereligiosity and her image of God have changed over the years.7.1.3 Renate’s Faith and Her Image of God—Finding an Individual PathRenate’s Subjective ReligiosityRenate is awomanwhowas raised in theProtestant faith andmilieu andhas stayed faith-ful all her life andwithout having any serious crises of faith according to her self-report-ing. The following table collects data from the surveys and the interview regarding theway Renate chooses to describe herself.Wave 1: Having no data from her survey at that time, the assessment of Renate’s sub-jective religiosity focuses on her answer to question 20. She rejects “spiritual” as a self-description without specifying her reasons. God is put in the center of her self-identifi-cation as “faithful.”This God is benevolent, protecting, and leading, giving her strengthand a feeling of being connected.Wave 2: In her free entry, she declares spirituality to be too abstract for her, while re-ligion is generally described as belief in God. In her interview answer, she rejects bothspiritual and religious, since those terms are connected with esotericism ormay refer toother religions as well in her estimation. However, she opted for the item “equally reli-gious/spiritual,” which sounds like a makeshift solution and an assumption supportedby the fact that she chooses to call herself faithful in the interview. Being faithful shouldbe understood in a strict Christian sense in her case. The description she gives of Godis less personal than at time 1 and is rigidly oriented by the Christian definition of theTriune God.Wave 3: In her free entry, spirituality is characterized as not fitting for her and placedin opposition to a “simple faith,” which she obviously prefers.While she chooses the op-tion “more religious than spiritual” in the survey, it becomes clear that what she reallyidentifies as is “believing” (which is, in German, derived from the sameword stem as theterm for “faithful” but has amore active connotation due to its form) in the interview.Forher, believing is more concrete, which aligns with her preference for “simple faith” in thesurvey. She self-confidently states that this is enough for her.The God she believes in isnot defined any further here.158 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable15:DataonRenate’sSubjectiveReligiosityRenatewave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:Spiritualityformeistooabstract,Icallitworship.18spirituality:Spiritualityformeisnotsoimpor-tant.Irathergowiththesimplefaith.19freeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:beliefinGod.20religion:notansweredself-assessmentnodataequallyreligious/spiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spir-itual,orfaithfulperson?Iwouldsayfaithful.Notspiritual.[I:Whatdoesthatmeanforyou?]Itprovidesstability.TobeabletobelieveinGod.Toknowthatthereisapowerthatholdsme,andthatI’mnotinavacuum.(quietly)Igetstabilitythroughthis.21So,Iwouldcallmyselffaithful.BecauseIbelieveinGodandthat’sveryimportantforme.[…]Spiritualandreligiousmightalsorefertootherreligions.Orspiritual,thatmayalsobesomethinglikeesotericism.Andforme,that’snotit.[…]formeit’simportantthatIbelieveinGod.[I:So,“faith”foryouisconnectedto“beliefinGod?”]Yes.Imean,ofcourse,thereisalso“beliefinAllah,”ortheJewsalsobelieveinGod,youknow,butforme…IratherbelieveinGodandtheTriuneGod:Jesus,HolySpiritandGodFather.[I:So,intheChristiansense?]Yes.22Ialwayshaveproblemswith(smiles)“spiri-tual.”Basically,Iconsidermyselfbelieving.Iguessyoucouldcallthisfaithful,butIbelieve.IbelieveinGod.[I:Andyouhaveaproblemwith“spiritual?”]Erm,youthinkofesoteri-cism.(laughs)Well,Ithinkofthis.[I:Andyouprefer“believing”insteadof“faithful.”Why?]Erm,faithfulissuchafuzzyconceptforme.[I:Andwhatdoes“believing”meanforyou?]Believingisconcrete.IbelieveinGod.Faithfulismoregeneral.[I:Andreligious?]Religious,(smiles)thatmakesonethinkofreligiousfundamentalism.Erm,Iwouldnotcallmyselfthat.BecauseIdon’tbelieveI’mreligiousthisway.[I:So,you’recontentwith“believing?”]Yes,Iamcontent.(smiles)That’senoughforme.237. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 159Summed up,Renate does not identify with the term “spiritual” at any timepoint. Sheopts for a self-characterization as faithful or as “believing,” pointedly naming this a sim-ple faith at time 3. A development can be seen insofar as that she has found a uniquelabel for herself in her last interview while differentiating her form of faith from eso-tericism as well as religious fundamentalism at times 2 and 3. As for the image of Godthat is conveyed in these answers, it can be said that there is a change observable from apersonalized description at time 1 to a more abstract, yet more dogmatic one at time 2.Renate’s Image of God—Maturing Faith?A look into her answers to the question howher image of God has changed over the yearswill reveal whether she elaborates on this development:As a child, you strongly perceived God as Father. That’s for sure how he was pre-sented to us. And later… for me, it was an authority, yes, something that gave sta-bility. Yes. I basically did not really have an image of God. He was just an entitythat I cannot describe any further. But surely, God for me was the one who wouldprotect me, hold me, whom I can trust. [I: What does God mean to you today?] Yes,still the same. Nothing changed in that aspect.24 (Renate, FDI, time 1)Back then, I don’t know how to put it… Perhaps I wasn’t as tolerant as I amtoday. But that has nothing to do with the relationship with God, but rather tobe more tolerant toward others’ opinions. Back then, for example… I felt I wasn’tpious enough and nowadays I’m freer to say, “[…] God has a wide heart. And I don’thave to have a certain degree of piety to get to God.” […] [I: Do you rememberwhat initiated this development or this change?] Conversations, in the last years,and sermons or when you hear a service that is not so pious or read books, that’swhat helped me on.25 (Renate, FDI, time 2)Back then, one used to have a childlike faith. The good God. […] And later, onedid not question things so much, or I did not question them. Later, I got moreinterested in the history behind the Bible. And I find it really fascinating to hearabout the background of the Biblical stories, […] and that does not shake my faith,even though I know that the Bible is not a chronology of events, but a story thatpeople have written down to illustrate something. […] For me, that’s not a contra-diction that God created the world, even though I know there are the planets andspace and so on and the evolution and creation, that’s no contradiction for me. […][I: And how is your image of God today?] God sometimes is an incomprehensibleGod. […] I read that God granted freedom to humanity and therefore a person isfree to decide one way or the other, for God and thereby for being there for one’sfellow humans and preserving creation, or for putting oneself in the center andbasically not needing God at all. And if you don’t need God, you don’t care aboutwhat’s going on around you. […] And thereby God disempowered Himself. […] AndI only learned that in recent years, from books. That was an eye-opener for me,that gives me so much liberation.26 (Renate, FDI, time 3)Aligning with what has been said above, Renate reports a very personal image of God attime 1. Looking back, she talks about having seen god as father and as leading. Asked forher current image, she states that those images still hold true for her today.160 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAt time 2, we get an autobiographical argument in form of a generalized insight.Renate believes she used to be less tolerant than she is now. It is not clearwhat shemeansby this, and she only vaguely refers to tolerating others’ opinions. Instead, it becomesclear that she wants to point out a perceived development of freeing herself from thoseopinions. She was self-conscious about her degree of piety until she realized that sheneed not justify herself against others but only against God, who will be satisfied withtheway she believes. In contrast to what she answers in question 20, she portrays herselfas more independent from dogma and the judgment of others.This stance was reachedby conversations and formative experiences in formof services and sermons that showedher alternative ways of approaching questions of faith.At time 3, Renate talks a lot about how she has developed a new perspective on theBible and,more implicitly, on God. Being well-read, she learnedmore about the histori-cal background of the Bible and engagedwith the Biblical stories and theirmeaning. Shedisplays a general appreciation of science, emphasizing that this does not harmher faithin God. It becomes clear that Renate still favors the image of God as it is suggested by theProtestant church, and from the choice of words (“you don’t care what’s going on aroundyou”), it becomes clear that she does not approve of people’s rejection of God, implicitlysuggesting that this necessarily goes along with self-centeredness. The perspective of a“leading God” is not themain focus here anymore. Instead, Renate talksmore about howGodhas “disempowered”himself by giving the freedomof choice. She even characterizesGod as being “incomprehensible” at times, an adjective that is hard to imagine in her ear-lier statements, but which is also mirrored in her survey answers on the Representationof God Scale, on which she otherwise shows a preference for the image of a benevolentGod. Even though her portrayal is more ambiguous than before, she makes it clear thatthis development for her is a good one and that she feels liberated by this realization.Formore detail on how this image of God is put into practice, it is interesting to lookat her different answers to the question “What do you considermature faith or amatureway to handle existential questions?” Here is her answer from her first interview:My ideal of a mature faith… Surely doubting as little as possible; to note that you’rewalking on God’s path, that you’re doing God’s will. […] Yes, this has developedduring the last years, also here in Germany, that I gained more stability, that Idon’t need to have so much self-doubt. Whether I have the true faith, but, yes, myfaith has become more, erm, childlike, to a certain degree. Because I say, I don’thave to permanently ask myself if I’m doing God’s will, but I just have to do what’sobvious, to care for people, and within that I recognized God’s will.27 (Renate, FDI,time 1)This quote reveals a lot about how Renate believes and how she transfers her beliefs intopractice. It becomes clear that the God she believes in is a leading God whose will shewants to carry out. A code from the guideline that has been found in this paragraph was“Integrating faith in daily life,” since she refers to how she helps other people and linksthis directly to her faith. In Kaufmann’s terms, religion serves as guiding one’s action,thereby offering orientation when dealing with everyday problems as well as extraordi-nary situations (cf. Kaufmann, 1989, p. 84). It is interesting to note that she mentions7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 161a development over the years in which her faith, to her own accord, has become more“childlike.” This is possibly related to her claim in the first sentence to “doubt as little aspossible,” an ideal that she has gained over the yearswhich iswhy she is now feelingmorestable in her faith than she did years ago. It can be inferred that she is less concernedwithhowotherpeople judge thewayshebelieves and ismore self-reliantnow,a lineof thoughtwhich is elaborated on in her second interview (see above).While her general belief sys-tem does not seem to have changed, one could say that Renate describes a deepening inher relationship to God, which is one trajectory a faith biography might follow over theyears. While this answer is more concerned with her own personal way of faith, the an-swer to the question whether human life has a purpose deals with this topic on a societallevel:We as humans are not only there for ourselves. I believe that we as humans have apurpose. When […] we are there for other people. Then our life has a purpose. Mylife has a purpose because I am there for my family. […] And thereby I get closerto myself as well. […] [I: Is there something like a plan for our lives?] I do thinkthat God often has a plan for us. That he determines our lives, yes.28 (Renate, FDI,time 1)Here, Renate draws the image of a leadingGodwho determines the lives of all humanity.The statement is absolute and leaves little room for individual choices. Being there forothers and especially being there for her family is what gives purpose to her life, and herthoughts of charity and generativity sound more or less generalized and applicable toeverybody.The answer to the question of mature faith at time 2 is a little different, yet seems topursue the more individualized form of believing further:I believe we don’t need such a mature faith. A small faith is sufficient, we don’tnecessarily need to have a magnificent faith. […] Yes, this feeling to have to showoff before God, like saying, “Ah, I have proceeded in my faith”—it is written in theBible, but… for me it’s not so important, I think God embraces us even if we don’tclimb any steps. It’s sufficient to say, “God, thank you for being there,” or, “I believeyou’re embracing me.”29 (Renate, FDI, time 2)Renate portrays herself as a faithful woman who has made peace with her self-ascribed“small faith” by this time. She acknowledges that the Bible may say otherwise, but inher belief system it is not necessary to develop in faith and to maybe even “show off be-fore God.” In her description, the God she believes in is utterly benevolent and does notask great deeds from her. This may even be read as a sort of privatizing retreat, sinceshe vaguely distances herself from the external expectation (which she describes in thequote above) for ‘faith development.’ Renate proclaims amore individual form of believ-ing which is in accordance with what God expects of her more explicitly than at time 1.The Bible, the church, or another authority are not in her focus. However, in her answerto the question about the purpose of human life, she displays an approach that is in linewith her Protestant orientation:162 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWe as humans are supposed to preserve the earth, not exploit the earth or thecreation. We shall live not simply egoistic, but think of those who come after us,our children. […] I’m thinking of rich people who only live for themselves and this isnot for me, I would say I would not have lived a very good life if I had the feelingI could not be there for other people as well. […] [I: Are we affected by higherpowers?] Umm, yes, by God, I think. But not as if the human is a puppet, insteadGod is standing above all, but he gave the people a free will so they can decide forthemselves if they work for or against God. […] But in the end, He is there anywayand will save the world somehow.30 (Renate, FDI, time 2)The difference is that the charity aspect that has appeared at time 1 already now has adirection. It serves the purpose to maintain the earth, which was not made that explicitat time 1 and shows a sense of generativity, which Erikson (Erikson & Erikson, 1998) hasnamed as a developmental task in later adulthood. Moreover, there is a clearer notionthat not all people might act as desired and a distinction between “the rich people” whoonly care for themselves inagreedy,egoisticmannerandothers that are closer toRenate’smindset (that are referred towith an encompassing “we as humans”). She states that onlycaring for herself would feel like not having lived a good enough life. Regarding God, herimage is still that of a leading God, but in this time 2 statement, she acknowledges thatGod also granted the free will to choose whether they want to act in His favor or not.Theconclusion for Renate is that everybody will be saved by God, despite their previous lifedecisions.Overall, the statement showsmore reflection than the first one, leaving open aspace for individual decisions, although Renate implies a moral judgment and it is clearwhat kind of lifestyle she embraces, namely the one that acts in line with her approach ofChristian charity, which is an approach she shares with her husband as will be seen laterin this chapter.In her third interview, Renate rejects the notion of a mature faith more rigidly:I don’t even know if there is such a thing like a mature faith. I think you’re alwayssearching and there are fluctuations in faith, I believe. And there may well be atime in which you don’t believe that much. That’s why for me it’s questionable howto grow within your faith. I can’t comprehend that; of course, as a child, you believedifferently than you do as an adult, […]. But I don’t know if you can continue togrow within your faith after that. I don’t feel that really. […] In the Bible, Paul speaksabout a mature faith. But I don’t know how that works. Perhaps I’m not abstractenough for this. […] Perhaps some people can claim for themselves to have a maturefaith. But I’m rather hesitant about that.31 (Renate, FDI, time 3)Thisstatement looksmore like ageneralized insight thandid theother two.Renate showshow she sees the concept of mature faith in a reflective way. Interestingly, God is absentfrom that statement and it seems like Renate is more self-confident in presenting hervery own observations on how people believe and how she personally lives her faith andeven dares to doubt Paul. Some critique can be heardwhen she says that growth is “ques-tionable.” She does consider that thismight be something personal and related to her notbeing “abstract” enough.Renate’s Protestantmodesty andher insecurity—which is prob-7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 163ably due to her self-perceived lack of formal education—shows again, even though sheseems a lot more self-assured than she was in the first two interviews.Yes, our life has a purpose. Because we are God’s creatures, it has the purpose thatGod is saying, “Subdue the earth, preserve it.” But we must not destroy the earth.Our life has the purpose to preserve Creation. […] [I: Is our life influenced by higherpowers?] Not by one power. Erm, for me, I can say, God preserves my life. There aresurely some who believe in other powers, but I don’t believe in those. [I: But youcan imagine that they exist, saying that there is possibly more than one power?]Perhaps there are other powers, yes, there are evil powers that have influence. Butyou should better not succumb to those.32 (Renate, FDI, time 3)The idea of preserving the earth and Creation is taken up here again, as in her secondinterview. However, the idea of generativity is less explicit here, as is the delimitationwith those who do not pursue this path. Her image of God, again, is that of the Protes-tant church, clearly stating that it is God’s wish for humans to subdue and preserve theearth and that she believes God preserves her own life. In the last sentences she allowsthe thought that there are other powers, and this is something which did not come up inher other answers.Renate’s faith, and her subjective religiosity has taken a remarkable trajectory overthe years. She has become more self-assured and feels less forced by her surroundingto believe in a certain way. By reading books, watching documentaries, and listening to“alternative” sermons, she has, obviously on her own accord, since she does not refer toanyone pushing her in that direction (as it is the case with Gudrun for example) widenedher horizon.However, she still moves within the (widened) framework of her Protestantchurch and still applies a rather strict moral framework, albeit with more and more no-tion of opinions outside her own field of vision.7.1.4 Renate’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataLookingnowat the other datawehave forRenate, it canbenoted thatRenate stayswithinone religious type throughout all of her interviews can consistently be described as stayerin the predominantly conventional type (type 2). The style-aspect maps show that Re-nate’s interviews were consistently rated to be primarily style 3, mutual, indicating thatRenate tends to consent to conventions of her own group and focuses on harmoniousrelationships. However, there are somemeaningful exceptions, especially in the aspectsperspective taking and symbolic function. At time 3, she was mainly rated a style 4, pointingto a more reflective and systematic thinking.This is interesting to see because at age 73,Renate is able to think about her relations and her faith in a systematic way, which is anobservation that is consistent with what has been carved out above.164 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThe look into her survey data reveals some details that need further explications:Table 16: Selected Data fromRenate’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Renate M(SD) Renate M(SD) Renate M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings- 2.63(1.17)2.80 2.42(1.12)3.25 2.60 (1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice- 4.35(0.38)4.60 4.28(0.51)4.00 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog- 3.64(0.75)3.40 3.57(0.76)3.00 3.75 (0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy - 3.67(0.59)3.57 3.20(0.40)3.57 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery - 3.67(0.71)3.57 3.72(0.59)3.57 3.68(0.57)personal growth - 4.38(0.38)3.43 4.17(0.39)3.43 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers- 3.86(0.65)3.71 3.90(0.62)3.57 3.94(0.65)purpose in life - 3.77(0.61)3.43 3.76(0.51)3.29 3.64 (0.50)self-acceptance - 3.79(0.68)3.43 3.86(0.62)3.17 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability - 3.42(0.78)2.92 3.40(0.70)2.75 3.40(0.68)extraversion - 3.26(0.58)2.83 3.25(0.58)2.67 3.20(0.56)openness to experience - 3.90(0.47)2.75 3.89(0.49)2.92 3.92(0.58)agreeableness - 3.74(0.46)3.80 3.73(0.44)4.17 3.78 (0.51)conscientiousness - 3.70(0.49)3.17 3.76(0.51)3.00 3.78(0.50)On the subscales of the Religious Schema Scale, Renate’s scores for ttt are higher atwave 3 than at wave 2 and are above the average at both times. This is not surprising initself, since Renate undeniably is a faithful woman who lives mainly by the rules of theProtestant Church and does not generally question what is said in the Bible. Her mod-7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 165erate to low scores on xenosmay be explained by the fact that Renate has always lived ina relatively homogenous environment even while living in Africa, and presumably neverhad significant encounters with “the strange.” Therefore, she has not had the opportu-nity to develop much appreciation for being challenged (and, of course, not every en-counter with the strange will lead to a xenosophic attitude) and changed by views differ-ent from her own or her willingness to engage with those declining with age. This is inaccordancewith her low score for openness to experience, indicating that while Renate doesreport opening new horizons for herself in reading additional theological literature, sheprefers to stay within a certain realm and would likely not seek to learn about other re-ligions. In the content analysis, it was noted that there is little reference to the “outsideworld” in general. Generally, low openness to experience and high agreeableness are associ-ated with strong forms of religiousness and in tendency with older rather than youngeradults (cf. Saroğlou, 2010, p. 115). Her scores for agreeableness are about average at wave 2and showan increase bywave 3,where she is even higher than the average.Her scores foremotional stability decrease slightly and are below the average at both times,which is con-sistent with her declining scores on the well-being subscales. Renate’s answers positionherself lower than the average of the sample, with slightly decreasing scores at wave 3.Her scores on self-acceptance are in accordancewith her statements in the interviews, say-ing that her self-esteem is not that high and she is not satisfied with certain life choices,which also aligns with Ryff ’s generic description of a “low scorer” on this subscale (1989).The scores for purpose in life seem rather surprising, since Renate comes across as a per-sonwho takes care of others and is well established in her social circles in her interviews,whichmight serve as a purpose.Connectedwith some regrets regarding her (lack of) for-mal education, Renate may feel that her life does not have as much directedness as shewould have wanted it to. However, her comparably high scores on autonomy and lowerscores on personal growth complement the picture that has emerged from the content andnarrative analysis. In her time working as a house mother, Renate gained an autonomythat she is still aware of, yet her work never had the goal to gain any personal merits butwas always performed with the aim to help others and to fulfill the tasks that God hasgiven her.The overall image that one gets fromRenate is that faith plays a prominent role in herlife story. This is supported by her scores on the RSS subscale ttt, which indicate a ten-dency toward a conservative and literalist belief system.Her scores on theNEO-FFI sub-scale openness to experience align well with the observation made by Streib and colleagues(2021) that lower scores on that scale are associatedwith the predominantly conventionaltype 2, which is what she is identified as throughout all of her interviews, making her a“stayer” within that typology. It seems reasonable to assume that her low scores on open-ness and xenos are both related to that conventional stance.A contradiction that cannot be fully resolved is that her scores for emotional stabilityare low while she comes across as a woman who seems overall satisfied with the cur-rent state of her life in her interviews, even thoughwe hear about remorse regarding herlack of vocational training. It may be hypothesized that an observation from the inter-viewsmay also cause some form of instability while regarded as a development: Some ofher scores in the style-aspectmaps having increased (in the aspects perspective taking andsymbolic function), and she might experience this more individuative-systemic and crit-166 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesical approach to her faith and her relationships as destabilizing, or at least disturbingin some ways.This theory is supported by the finding above that while Renate describesher faith at time 1 as becoming more and more “childlike” and doubting less as a desir-able goal, by time 2, she is starting to realize that her form of believing is becomingmoreindividualized and more deviant from what the church proclaims to be a “good faith.”This realization has manifested by time 3, as she more self-assuredly embraces her ownformof a “simple faith”while being conscious of the fact that thismay be viewed criticallyfrom her environment’s point of view. While it would be far-fetched to talk of a decon-version here, it is still interesting that the Deconversion Study (Streib et al., 2009) foundtheGermandeconverts to score lower on emotional stability aswell as on some subscalesof the PsychologicalWell-Being Scale. In other words, amore independent way of think-ing and looking at things may lead to reduced emotional stability and well-being. At thesame time,her image ofGodhas becomemore versatile.The leading and benevolentGodis still there at time 3, but she also acknowledges that this God may be incomprehensi-ble at times. For this timepoint, the God Representation Scale (Johnson et al., 2019) wasincluded in the survey, which confirms the findings from the interview analysis that herimage of God most agrees with the benevolent God, and she disagrees with the author-itarian and mystical image of God. Yet, the image of God as ineffable, inconceivable, orunimaginable appeals to her as well. All of this, while for sure signs of a religious de-velopment, may contribute to a feeling of less emotional stability, even though Renateperceives her own development as positive.Other developments that could be observed during the in-depth analysis of the in-terviews do notmirror in her survey results nor in the structural analysis of her answers.The observation that is most remarkable is that Renate grants her professional self moreroomover the years.This has to dowith her reconstructed identity as an altruistic personwho is concernedwith helping others and caring for peoplewho are less favored than sheis. It was carved out as well that her identity as an individual,maybe even her identity asawoman,getsmore attention, especially in her last interview.Her own achievement, i.e.being entrusted with a very responsible job, stands outmore openly when she is farthestaway from it age-wise.While being a “stayer” regarding her structural religious development, which is a re-sult that is not generally contradicted by the content analysis, one must remember herstatements regarding her secure bonds within her family which provided a positive basefor her whole life and her unfaltering trust in a leadingGod.This case study showsmore.While her focus is on leading a life agreeable to God at all points in time, less importanceis granted to formalized forms of faith and amore personal form of belief is proclaimed,especially in her last interview.This may be seen as an emancipatory movement, and asturning to a more privatized faith.7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 1677.2 Richard—Christian Charity as a Way of Life“I can hold a service beneath an umbrellaacacia in the African steppe and do notneed a high altar and a chasuble, myrelationship with God is more down-to-earth.”33Richard is eight years older thanhiswife, 67 years at time 1 in 2004, and therefore 81 yearsat the time of the third interview.Having grown up in themissionary context as well, hedid not initially want to pursue that path himself because he did notwant to live togetherwith sick people as it seemed necessary and as he had experienced in his childhood andyouth. Instead, he first became a salesman and only later was convinced to go to Africaagain and work there as a deacon in a missionary station. His work as the head of thehome for the elderly was also influenced by the Protestant Church, and it does not seemexaggerated to state that Richard’s life story is also a Christian vita. It is interesting tonote that his narration is not as much centered around his marriage than it is the casethe other way around. Richard does mention his wife as an important relationship andas a person who influenced him at all timepoints, but he stays vague about any details.7.2.1 Richard’s Life Reviews—Negotiating the Relationship with his FatherWhen Richard is asked to divide his life into chapters, he focuses on his professional lifeby adding an emphasis on the searching movements it took to figure out in what direc-tion his life should be headed at time 1:I would say childhood, time in school going along with that, that was a significantphase in my life, really formative. After school, the time of the vocational training,searching for orientation, or to receive orientation what course my life should take.Then, after the training, erm, the destination route, like, where I would go as atrained person, and then marriage, founding a family and living abroad. Those arethe main characteristics. And then coming back to Germany, that should be added.34(Richard, FDI, time 1)It becomes obvious that, due to him being eight years older, there was a long time spanbefore he married Renate in which he was “searching for orientation” during whichimportant, life-changing decisions were made. Meeting and marrying Renate does notseem to be irrelevant in this account but only one among many formative experiences,and his focus is decidedly more on himself and his career. This becomes even moreapparent at time 2:The chapters childhood, adolescence/school time, […]. So, I would divide my employ-ment period into different areas, different periods. That would be the time of voca-tional training, […]. Then the first time when I worked in my job, that was a threeyears period in Africa. Then the time of my vocational training here in Germany,when I became a deacon […]. And then eight years as a deacon in [African country168 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesY] in different areas. And then returning to Germany, having a job, or working inthe area of old people’s welfare here in [part of town Z]. And then retirement.35(Richard, FDI, time 2)Interestingly, Richard names the important stages of his life here in amore self-assuredway.Those moments of searching or hesitation that were present at time 1 do not reap-pear here. By being retired for a while and looking back at his life, hemay see that every-thing turned out fine, and he can portray his career in amore definite way while his wifeand family are not listed here at all. Overall, his remarks regarding his family are scarce,but he mentions that he and his wife pray together and that she is an important personthat has influenced him greatly.Richard is elaborate about his relationship with his parents. In his case, the relation-shipwith hismother is described as positive,while his fatherwas themore difficult char-acter who he only came to terms with late in his life. When asked about important re-lationships during his first interview, Richard talks about the special circumstances hegrew up in:Yes, of course there are some, for example I think I had a very strong attachmentto my mother. We were [multiple] children, and I was the [second youngest] child,and especially during war time, when existential fears were very strong, and thefather wasn’t there, the mother was immensely important for me. And she knewhow to unfold her motherliness completely and give it to us children.36 (Richard,FDI, time 1)Being born in the 1930’s goes alongwith having experienced the 2ndWorldWar as a child;and even though Richard was born in an African country in a missionary station, hisfamily could not return there after a visit in Germany because of the war37. In all of hisinterviews,Richard refers to the topos of being awar child,which implies trauma,depri-vation,hunger, and suffering. In the quote above,heuses the topos to clarify hismother’srole. In this time of hardship, she was there to comfort the children while the father“wasn’t there,” which is not specified any further. By contrasting the present state of acaringmother and the absent father, Richard justifies why his attachment to themotherwas stronger than it was to the father. Implicitly, there may be a reproach toward his fa-ther,whom the childmay have expected to be there to protect the family and support themother. In his time 2 interview, the same theme is taken up again when describing hisparents:I grew up here in [part of town Z] during war time, when bombs fell, and how mymother managed to get us through all this, also in the post-war era… we were [mul-tiple] siblings, and we suffered from hunger. And she was a very delicate womanand very affectionate, and for me she was just a shelter of comfort. And she keptbeing that till the end.38 (Richard, FDI, time 2)Here, his focus is more on his mother’s capability to get the family through these hardyears of war and post-war.The description of her being “delicate” helps to emphasize theextent of her achievements. His mother’s status as a “shelter of comfort” is never chal-7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 169lenged, and he has kept that positive image of her up to this day.This image is still verypresent at time 3:I had a very, very strong relation with my mother. She was a downright humorous,affectionate mother who made a very, very strong impact on us children. […] Mymother gave me a lot, I have to say that. And she was the haven of peace in ourfamily.39 (Richard, FDI, time 3)His description at this point is more condensed but still emphasizes the strong impactand the important role hismotherhad.At an earlier point in that interviewwhenRichardis asked for important relationships, he tells of an episode that refers to the war time:As a child, I experienced the bomb attacks that were very, very formative for me.Anxiety states, mentally, physically, but also this feeling of… For example, this oneepisode, we were sitting in our air-raid shelter […] and the bombs dropped. Thatwas hell of a noise. And how my mother—we were there with my brother and mylittle sister who was still in the crib—sang songs with us, just to distract us, butalso practically as a prayer. That was formative for me, at that time.40 (Richard, FDI,time 3)Here, the effects that experiencing war as a child had on him are named more explic-itly than in the earlier interviews. Again, it is his mother who appears in his accountof that dark time, and that threatening experience of an air-raid in particular and whogives comfort to her children. Her singing is compared to a prayer and the experience ismarked as “formative.” Implicitly, Richard gives a justification for his strong and never-faltering belief in God, since this situation is connected with positive feelings toward hismother andher ownadherence topractices of faithdespite all the anxiety thatwent alongwith it.This is a connection that has not beenmade in the earlier interviews.With his father being absent during that traumatic and formative time, it does notcome as a surprise that the relation is not described as positive.The relationship experi-ences a change when the father gets old and moves into the nursing home that Richardand Renate are heads of. At time 1, the description of his father reads as follows:My father was a bit too big for me, uber-father, who I was afraid of a little sincehe, in contrast to my mother, never had that relation with me that I would havewished for, he was not at home a lot. He was very authoritarian, so I did not havethat much of a positive relationship with him, until he got old and in need of helphimself and I helped him, since we basically lived together, and I stood by him.And then our relation got very good.41 (Richard, FDI, time 1)Richard names his father’s absence as one of the reasons for the fact that their relation-ship was not very good. He uses the term “uber-father” to describe how he saw him andcontrasts that with his mother, who seemed to have been the complete opposite.Thingschange when Richard decides to take care of his aging father.The relationship in the lastyears of his father’s life is described as “very good.” When asked whether the image of170 Leitmotifs in Life Storieshis parents has changed and what are considered possible causes for such a change, heanswers:So, as for my father, that changed because I got older, more reasonable and withage also calmer, quieter, and more content. Because of that, the image of my fatherhas changed a lot.42 (Richard, FDI, time 1)In this reasoning, the change occurred because Richard changed. He got older andcalmer, which is related to the changed image he had of his father. It does not seemunreasonable that such a development of himself might contribute to this changedimage, yet it is interesting to see that he does not talk about any development of thefather that might have led Richard to think differently. At this time point, the wholechange is attributed to his own development.This is different at time 2, when he answers as follows to the same question, afterhaving characterized his father as dominant and authoritarian during his childhood:Well, I believe that, as for my father, that’s because a change of roles happened.Suddenly he was the one in need of my assistance. I was head of the [nursing home]and he came to live with us as a resident and with the years he became weakerand I could stand by him. I could help him, and so we got closer. For sure that wasthe reason. He didn’t have to tell me anymore what to do, instead I could help himand tried to do that with as much affection as possible.43 (Richard, FDI, time 2)Here, he can name more precisely what has happened between him and his father. Thefather becoming old and in need of help made it necessary to change the usual roles.Interesting to note is that while Richard only says that they “basically lived together” attime 1, he points out that his father lived, as a resident, in the nursery home that Richardwas head of. It may be inferred that Richard assisted his father in a professional role,maybe because he felt the obligation to do so. In this constellation, there was no need(and likely not much possibility) for the father to tell Richard what to do, which presum-ably took awaymost of the authority and dominance that had been named as the reasonsfor their rather distant relationship.The inversion of roles is interesting here, since theo-retically, Richard could now have been the authority figure in their relationship, a possi-bilitywhichhedidnot take advantage of.Helping andbeing there for his fathermade therelationship closer than it used to be, which is an argumentation that can be read in thesense of Christian charity, since Richard makes a strong connection between his faithand his work throughout his interviews. The possibility to help and support his fathergave Richard the chance to rearrange this conflict-ridden relationship. It may be addedas a side note, in none of his interviews does Richard talk about when and under whichcircumstances his father actually died, which may be a remnant of the professional rolethat he partly shed but obviously without getting too intimate and personal.In his third interview, this situation is unfolded in evenmore detail:I have to admit, I did not have the closest relation with my father. For me, he waskind of an uber-father, so. […] That changed later, when he was a resident [of the7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 171nursing home I managed] in the last years of his life. He was the weaker one thenand I was the one who could help him. So, the relationship turned the other wayaround, you know. But he took that bravely and accepted it and encouraged me inwhat I did. But as a child, I was always a bit scared of him. He wasn’t brutal, not atall, but what was missing was that emotional attachment with him. He was awaya lot.44 (Richard, FDI, time 3)The term “uber-father” is taken up again, illustrating the distance between father andson.When describing the last years of his father’s life, Richard states that his father was“theweaker one,”which indicates that balance of powerwasdifferent before and that thisbalance was relevant for shaping that relationship. Interestingly, this is named directlyat time 3 for the first time. And while one might expect a grown-up person to talk abouta changed relationship with a parent in a way that suggests more equality between thetwo persons, it is characteristic that there is still a certain hierarchy. In his childhood, hisfather was absent, while in old age, he is closer than he ever was before both physicallyand emotionally.What is important (and new) in this time 3 account is that the father isdescribed to have taken that new situation “bravely.” Richard, being an adult with familyand professional responsibilities, finally feels “accepted” or even “encouraged” by his fa-ther.This is emphasized evenmore when he answers to the sub-question of what mighthave caused a change in the image of his parents:Well, my relationship with my father changed in his last years of life, you know. AndI’ve got to really give him credit for the fact that he adapted well to his situation, hispersonal situation, that is. Never complained about how is not as able as he usedto be and so on, and that he respected me as the head of the house.45 (Richard,FDI, time 3)Another dimension is added that had not been mentioned before: respect. Richard ap-preciates the way his father was able to adapt to his new situation and accept his dwin-dling abilities. On the other hand, Richard also mentions that he received respect fromhis father for his professional achievements. It is remarkable that that in the last phaseof his own life, Richard achieves a new perspective on his father and can see what mayhave changed in the latter’s perspective on his son as well. Implicitly, there is a form ofadmiration for the father andmaybe the possibility to see himas a rolemodel that he hadnot been while Richard grew up.Keeping in mind that Richard’s father was active in the Christian mission andRichard has also worked with and for the Protestant church formuch of his professionallife, it seemsmandatory to examine the development of his subjective religiosity and theway this mirrors in his professional life.172 Leitmotifs in Life Stories7.2.2 Richard’s Faith and his Professional Life—A SymbiosisRichard’s Subjective ReligiosityLike his wife, Richard did not fill out the questionnaire at wave 1, but his answers fromthe other timepoints and his interview answers will give a good impression regardingthe way he sees himself as a religious person.Wave 1: The first part of his answer sounds absolute, labeling his own religion as the re-ligion.He does this with the parenthesis “forme,” indicating awareness of and tolerancefor other forms of faith.When he defines spirituality, this tolerance becomes more pro-nounced. As the core element of different forms of spirituality, he proclaims the spirit(“Geist” in German) which moves people, but which may take different forms. Overall,and this may explain why he “has his problems” with the terms offered by the question,he seems to see them as a whole and as belonging together and all contributing to howhe defines himself. As themost important element for him, he names the communal ex-perience, which has a positive influence on his life and gives stability.Wave 2: In his free entry, spirituality is associated with practices that are primarily inservices, while religion is more generally and more abstractly described as belief in Godand Jesus.While he chooses “equally religious/spiritual” in the survey, he states that he isnot somuch interested in what he defines as spiritual in his interview, for example rigidrituals and ceremonies. He asserts here that his faith is more prosaic without deprivingthe ritual itself (a service, for example) of its importance and also stating that for others,these trappings may be more significant than they are for him.Wave 3: His definition for spirituality contains a new dimension that is an everydayrelation with God, while religion again serves as the superordinate construct. His self-assessment at this wave is “more religious than spiritual,” which indicates that the spiri-tual dimension is not as important for him (even thoughhe does stress the importance ofservices and prayers).The answer to question 20 contains an episode inwhich he is askedby a stranger whether he is a “religious type.” The actual message of this story remainsa bit fuzzy, but the coda is that religion is an important part of his self-conception andalso a very conscious decision which anybody canmake (“anyone can be religious if theywant to”).Summed up, it seems that his valuation of spirituality seems to change. At time 1, it isindicated that being spiritual is something individual and not necessarily tied to reli-gion. This notion is not taken up again in his other interviews. At time 2, spirituality isdescribed as part of (his) religion. It seems important, however, that Richard character-izes his own faith as prosaic or down-to-earth, which ismore abstract than what he saysat time 1.The abstraction is even greater at time 3 when he mainly outlines religion as away of life without (at least in this answer) giving any details about how this is put intoeveryday practice.7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 173Table17:DataonRichard’sSubjectiveReligiosityRichardwave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:prayer,servicewithliturgy46spirituality:piety,worship,everydayrelationwithGod47freeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:beliefinGodandsuccessionofJesusChrist48religion:beliefinGod49self-assessmentnodataequallyreligious/spiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?Ihavemyproblemswiththeseterms[…].Yes,ofcourse,Ihaveareligion,andnotjustanyreligion,butthereligion,forme,it’sthereligion,orfaith.Andspiritual,Ithinkweallhaveelementsofspiritualitywithinus,andforonepersonitworksthisway,foranotherpersonthatway.WhenIexperienceacelebration,aservice,thenthat’ssomethingspiritual,andwhensomeoneattheOlympicsstandsonthepodiumandreceivesagoldmedalandthenationalanthemisplayed—that’ssomethingspiritualaswell,somethingthatmoveshim,hesenses,that’sthespirit,becausethespiritmovesmyemotions.[…]Itgivesmylifeanenormousstability,thisfaithfulness,butalsothespirituality,alsoacommunalexperienceinthecongregationwhenwehaveourSundayservice,thenthat’sacommunalexperiencewhichbringsusclosertogetherandwhichinfluencesusinapositiveway[…].Yes,formethismeansstabilityandfulfillmentinmylife.50Thosetermsareinpartsconnectedwithneg-ativeemotions.[…]IamahumanbeingwhobelievesinJesusChristandGod.So,ratherfaith-ful,IbelievewhattheBibletellsme.ButI’mnotspiritual,sothesethingsdon’tplayadominantroleforme,like,forexample,intheCatholicchurchthisisveryprominentinservices.Icanlivewithoutthoseformalities.AndIcanholdaservicebeneathanumbrellaacaciainthe[African]steppeanddonotneedahighaltarandachasuble,butmyrelationshipwithGodismoredown-to-earth.[…]Idon’trejectthis,though,andwhensomebodyelseconsidersthisimportantandhelpful,I’mlike,“Okay,that’sgoodforyou.”Forme,itdoesn’tplaysuchabigrole.51Itmeansapurposeinlife,aformofliving,thepossibilitytodesignmylifeandhaveanori-entationtowardthefuture.That’simportant,yes.Ionce[…]travelledonashiparoundSouthAfrica.Andtherewasaman[…]whoaskedme,“Tellme,areyouareligioustype?”(smiles)AndItoldhim,“Iamatype,but(laughs)re-ligionplaysabigroleforme,animportantrole.Whetherthismakesmeareligioustype(smiles)Idon’tknow.”[…]Ithinkanyonecanbereligiousiftheywantto.52174 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesRichard’s Image of GodThenext step is to look at his image of God and how this has possibly changed over time:During childhood, I had this piety which was strongly influenced by my mother, orby both parents, because I was a child and they tried to teach us children what Godis and what kind of relationship we have with God. After that, after you started tothink for yourself, to ruminate, got into conflicts, have doubts and had to deal withthose, I started to read the Bible by myself, confirmation class, things like that whichhelped of course. And later on, existential experiences, like, everyday experiencesthat shaped me in my relation with God. God for me today means that I knowhe is my Creator, I know He is with us, even though He is not visible, I know I’msheltered with Him, and, especially, I know that He will surround me when I dieand in death and therefore I won’t fall into a dark, deep hole but rather, as we sayit, fall into God’s hands, so, to go back to Him.53 (Richard, FDI, time 1)There were times, especially when I was in England to learn English, when Iwas involved with people from the church sector and I acted in an emotional waywhich got relativized over the years as I became older and made other experiences.Like, I got more down-to-earth in my relation with God and the Christian faith. [I:How could you describe this emotional way?] By formalities. For example the designof the services, the songs that seemed very emotional to me. […] But afterwards Ibecame a lot more down-to-earth through personal life experiences. […] And thenof course by meeting people, especially those in difficult life situations, mentally ill,badly off materially, in poor health and, as I mentioned earlier, in the sector of oldpeople’s welfare during dying processes […] that I accompanied—this all helpedme with my Christian faith and change occurred there. Like, I don’t want to say“fundamentalist,” but somehow I found a very real relation with my Christian faith.54(Richard, FDI, time 2)Of course, in the life of every Christian there are phases in which you haveserious doubts, is this all real or do I give in to an illusion that I perceive as pleasantbut which is not real? And I noticed that my faith actually is real and is based onthings which are existent. […] When you read the Bible, you get annoyed sometimesand say, “This cannot have happened that way!” And often it didn’t happen that way,instead, you have paraphrases of experiences of faith that people had. […] And it’slike that in my faithful life that I constantly have to reevaluate things and also haveto newly reflect on experiences I made. [I: What does it mean to you today, yourworldview or your image of God?] For me today it means that I look at the worldand the really depressing state it’s in—and I can endure it. Because I can say, thisis not the end. And also my own life, I’m over 80, and I know I don’t have manyyears left, but I can direct my gaze forward and believe in the future of God and Iknow, when I die, death is not the end.55 (Richard, FDI, time 3)At time 1, Richard refers to his religious upbringing which is followed by an episode ofrumination anddoubts during puberty and adolescence,which he does not elaborate on.The image of God he now has can best be described as a father or as a benevolent protec-tor,which is an image clearly shaped by his Protestant faith. It is interesting that he talksabout concepts regarding dying and death in variations in all of his answers examinedherein.Thismay be explained by his work in the old people’s welfare since accompanying7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 175dying people is part of his job. It also points to one of the functions his faith has for him:bridging the uncertainty ofwhat comes after deathwith the certainty that hewill fall intoGod’s hands, which is a symbolism that can be found in other interviews as well (see, forexample, Gudrun in chapter 9.1).At time 2, he starts his account later by skipping the religious socialization as a childand describing his movement from amore emotional form of practiced faith to what hecalls down-to-earth. This suggests that the sacred rituals and community praxis of hisearlier life are not as important anymore, which aligns with the elaborations analyzedabove. With reference to his work in old people’s welfare, he stresses that working withsick and dying people has affected his faith, making it deeper and more realistic at thesame time. To illustrate his point, Richard tells a story (according to the schema intro-duced by Labov andWaletzky, 1967) about having faith in adverse circumstances:Table 18: Richard’s Narrative: “GettingHelp fromGod”Orientation In [countryY inAfrica]wewerewithout any technical equipment, completely onourown.We lived in a hospital with 130mentally ill people.We did not have a doctor,I’m no doctor, just a nurse, andwewere completely shut off from any infrastructureand had to deal with any situation that would happen.Complication […] Since I had a car, I had to take the people to the hospital. […] And I got stuckwithmy car in the mud of dirt roads during the rainy season […], my wife alone in thehospital with the children, night fell and back then there were no cell phones, nomode of telecommunication, and sometimes, I would think, “How do I get throughthis?” Roads were blocked by fallen trees in the jungle, or by rivulets turned totorrents that overflew the road and tore away the earth and I had to get throughsomehow.Evaluation And then I really said, “God, I have a situation here, I cannot manage this on myown. Now you have to helpme.”Resolution And it always worked.Coda And I toldmyself that was not some kind of luck or something, but that was reallya concrete help that I experienced in a situation in which I did not find a way outmyself.56 (Richard, FDI, time 2)This narrative follows the arc of tension of a redemption story (McAdams et al., 2001;McAdams, 2006c). Starting with a difficult and unfavorable situation, Richard is able toovercome the adversities with the help of God. In this narrative, God is a leading God,and praying is used in a very practical sense, yet only when there is no other way out,and it presents a very concrete result, which is replicable if needed.This narrative illus-trates Richard’s beliefs,which is without frills, yet based on a certainty that Godwill helpif necessary. This is continuation of his certitude to be caught in God’s hands that wasmentioned at time 1.In his third interview, those phases of doubt that were already mentioned at time 2are emphatically portrayed as normal and necessary, thereby implicitly referring to anassumed model of an enlightened Christianity.The way he talks about the stories of the176 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesBible not being actual historical reports are quite similar towhat Renate tells in her thirdinterview. It can be assumed that they have, especially in the time between the secondand the third interview, been involved in intensive reading of possibly theological liter-ature, not unlike Gudrun and Werner who will be portrayed in chapter 9. Richard goeson to stress that he has been at the point where he had to reevaluate decisions or stand-points more than once in his lifetime, thereby displayingmore reflectiveness than in hisother interviews. As an aside, he interlaces social criticism by referring to the depressingstate the world is in. He does not feel able to change anything about that state anymore,but with the help of God and the certainty that there is something beyond this world, hecan endure the situation.The image of God displayed here alignswith his answers on theRGS, in which his most favorable representation is that of the benevolent God, while themystical god does not play a big role in Richard’s belief system obviously. Again, he dis-plays his thoughts about dying, but being in his 80s at time 3, these thoughts are referredto his own situation, not attached to his work life any more.Richard’s Work—A VocationHowever, Richard is very detailed about his work at all timepoints, and it becomes clearhowmuch passion and personal involvement he gave in fulfilling his tasks.But he alwaysunderlines that he resisted his fate for a while (he describes it as feeling the vocation, butnot wanting to follow it), not wanting to follow in his father’s footsteps perhaps. He firstbecame a salesman and only later decided to become a deacon and work for the samemission his father worked for as well. At time 1, when he is asked about important de-cisions, he first says that beyond secular considerations and that he knows that he canalways pray and ask God for help.He then shares a narrative (which can again be dividedaccording to the structure suggested by Labov and Waletzky, pointing to an importantaspect of his religious identity):Table 19: Richard’s Religious Identity Narrative: “Becoming aDeacon”Orientation For example, back then that decision whether I should become a deacon or not.Like I said, I didn’t feel like becoming a deacon at all and hence eke out my lifewith sick people, and therefore I was in a great conflict, because on the one handI felt somehow that this was my path, that I should take it. On the other hand, Iwanted to go into theworld, wanted a career as a salesman.Complication […] Then I got a letter from the mission here in [part of town X] asking if I waswilling to go to [African country Y] […].Evaluation And of course I was willing, but I knew I would have to undergo a check-up, andthen I said, “God, if youwantme to join the deaconry, and you know that I don’t dothat readily, then you can create the possibility for me to get a health certificatefor the tropics, and then, if that is the case, I won’t object anymore, […].”Resolution So, I was examined and the doctor said, “There are no objections to send you toAfrica.”7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 177Coda And so, it became clear to me, God can guide and leadmy life and he doesn’t gobeyondmyneeds andmyabilities, buthehelpsmewalkon thepath thathe choseforme.57 (Richard, FDI, time 1)What he tells here is a story that is exemplary for how close his professional life is tiedto his faith.The story beginswith his outright unwillingness to become a deacon becausehe does not want to work with sick people himself having grown up amidst them. Thequery from the mission causes a great inner conflict, in the process of which Richardturns to God to ask for guidance. Getting a certificate that he is suitable for working inthe tropics is interpreted as a signal from God that He really wants him to go to Africaand fulfill the work of the mission there. In his coda, Richard stresses that he did notfeel manipulated at any point but experienced God’s intervention as helpful, yet adaptedto his own needs.This makes this narrative a religious identity narrative sensu Keller etal. (2016), since this story seems crucial to understand how Richard overcame doubt andinsecurity on his path toward his religious and professional identity.Inhis later interviews, thisdecision ismoreconnectedwithpersonal encounterswithcertain people who he perceives as an opportunity to reflect, or as people to orient him-self by.Henames twomenwhoencouragedhim topursuehis path as adeacon,andwhilethose conversations are not elaborated on at time 2, there are a fewmore details at time3 when he talks about those people in his answer regarding important relationships, es-pecially regarding his training instructor:One of them was my instructor. I did a commercial apprenticeship in [part of townX]. And he was a deacon, my boss, who promoted my self-confidence and helpedme a lot. I had a miserable school time, because of the war time. […] After thewar, we had classes of 70 pupils in one classroom. […] And war time affected menegatively, mentally, to a great extent, I only realized that afterwards. I had a lot offears. […] And my father told me back then: “Boy, I’m taking you out of school. […] Goand do this commercial apprenticeship.” […] And so I did that. And my boss—that’swhere I felt I was taken seriously for the first time. […] And then he told me, atthe end of my apprenticeship, “Mr. [surname A], when you’re finished, come joinus and become a deacon. We need you.”58 (Richard, FDI, time 3)Here, one can see the juxtaposition with the father on the one hand, who is portrayedagain as authoritarian and who decides what is best for Richard, without asking him forhis opinion. On the other hand, there is the instructor who is supportive and takes hisapprentice seriously. The miserable situation he escaped is further illustrated by refer-ring to the war child topos again, this time more explicitly stating that he was trauma-tized by those experiences. In these unfortunate circumstances, the instructor who seesRichard from a different perspective comes across as a savior and someonewho can giveRichard’s life a whole new direction. Perhaps this individual could even be read as be-ing the better father to Richard by being more supportive and more aware of Richard’spotential. And while that instructor was mentioned in his earlier interviews as well, henever got much attention. At time 3, however, it is him who paves the way for Richard’s178 Leitmotifs in Life Storieslater career in the deaconry by functioning as a role model and as a wise counselor. Godas a means for guidance is not mentioned in this account, but it is His worldly staff whohelps Richard make the right decisions.This narrative has the features of a redemptionstory (McAdams et al., 2001) through meeting someone who helped him onto the rightpath and was fundamental for his own self-image and his mental health.Nevertheless, his faith and trust inGod is omnipresent in his accounts throughout allinterviews, and it is often connected to hiswork.The following passage fromhis third in-terview serves to illustrate how his professional stance is interwovenwith his self-imageas a Christian:And saying “I’m Christian” means not living on an island of bliss where I am shieldedfrom all these problems. […] Especially [in] this home for the elderly. Sometimeswe had up to 30 cases of people dying. And I never had a relation with the in-habitants like I was the boss who decides everything. Instead I tried to live as ahuman amongst humans, as a brother amongst brothers and sisters. And to letthem feel that as well. Also regarding my employees, […] I tried to be on the samelevel and not hover above them. And, yes, that was important, especially regardingmy Christian faith.59 (Richard, FDI, time 3)Reading this paragraph, it becomes clear that his job is a real vocationormission for him.His basic attitude is to not stand above others but encounter them as equals, regardlessif it is the inhabitants or the employees of “his” home. How much he sees his job as amission becomes apparent when taking a look at his answers to the question, “Do youfeel that your life has meaning at present?” At time 1, this reads as follows:My life’s meaning consists in having realized once that God, as the Creator ofHeaven and Earth, and therefore also my Creator, knows me, is aware of me, andhe gave me a special task in my life, that is helping other people, support them,[…]. Especially when you see the world as a whole in this very chaotic state withits wars and all these things, being there for others who have a special problemand helping them with what is given to me, with my strength, my hands, my feet,also with my money and my time that is at my disposal, so, not use all of this forme alone, but also utilize it for others.60 (Richard, FDI, time 1)At this time point, being able to help people is seen as a gift from God. Richard depictsthe image of a leading God and his work can be seen in the tradition of Christian charity.By reference to the “very chaotic state” theworld as awhole is in,Richard implies that noteverybody adheres to his principles of altruism and charity,making the need for both ofthem urgent.His God-given gift could also be read as an honor that is not granted to ev-erybody, therebymakingRichard special.This implicit criticismbecomesmore apparentin his statement at time 2:My personal life has a meaning and this meaning for me is to have helped otherpeople and still can help them, even today. Like, that I’m not all by myself on thisearth, but that I’m also there for others. And this realization, which has grown andgot more stable in the course of my life’s decades, plays a big role. […] Now you7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 179could call this a helper syndrome or something, but I just think it’s important inthe human society. What really bothers me is the egoism that you experience ina lot of places. When people will only see their small environment and not theproblems other people around them might have. And I say, “[…] I have receivedso much in my life that I can pass on some of it.” And this really makes my lifemeaningful.61 (Richard, FDI, time 2)Theegoismof his fellow humans is the core of his critique.Helping people is whatmakeshis life meaningful, even though he has been retired for some time and now there wouldbe enough space to think of himself more. In contrast to his first interview, when beingable to give is an ability that was granted by God, at time 2, this seems to be more of aninherent personality trait or something derived from the fact Richard has “received somuch in [his] life,” the source of all that he received remaining unclear.There is also hisreference to a “helper syndrome,”whichmanifests as anticipating or readopting critiquethat he must have faced throughout his time of engagement for people in need, sincethis is a defensive statement that is rather rare in his interviews.What follows may be ajustification that he had to put forward regularly. He does not falter, and he seems con-vinced about his standpoint and sees it as “important in the human society,” even thoughhe seems to be aware of possible critical voices. In this light, his time 3 answer regardingthat question contains an interesting new aspect:My life becomes meaningful by being there for others. Yes, I can’t put it any otherway. However, without bending and saying, “Everything for the other, but nothingfor myself,” you know? There is this nice saying in the Bible, when Jesus says, “Loveyour neighbor as yourself.” And this played a big role for me. I also have the rightto rest, to make my life agreeable as well. But I also have the task to help otherpeople so that they can life and make their life agreeable.62 (Richard, FDI, time 3)Themain message stays the same: helping people is constitutional for his life meaning.Compared to his earlier answers, what is new is the emphasis on not forgetting oneselfin that process. To justify his stance, he cites Jesus with the second part of the doublecommandment of love, thereby underlining the righteousness of his claim to make hisown life agreeable. It is highly speculative to say that he did not live up to that standardbefore. Nevertheless, it is likely that only in old age Richard realizes the importance oftaking care of oneself as well in order to be able to properly take care of others.7.2.3 Richard’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataRichard is consideredamoverupward in the typologyof religious types,moving frombe-ing predominantly conventional (type 2) to predominantly individuative-reflective (type3) between times 2 and 3. His style aspect maps illustrate this movement, revealing thathis answers were mainly rated style 3 (mutual religious style) in his first two interviewswith some exceptions thatwere rated style 4 (individuative-systemic).This reflects a con-ventional approachwith values oriented toward harmonious interpersonal relationshipsand a belief system that is evaluated to be adopted fromhis religious communitywithout180 Leitmotifs in Life Storiestoomuch critical reflection.However, this estimation has changed at time 3. Here, all ofhis answers are rated style 4, indicating that his answers showmore ability to reflect onhis views and to form an individual opinion that may differ from that of his community.The survey data available for Richard complements the image from a different angle:Table 20: Selected Data fromRichard’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Richard M(SD) Richard M(SD) Richard M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings- 2.63(1.17)3.20 2.42(1.12)2.00 2.60 (1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice- 4.35(0.38)4.20 4.28(0.51)4.40 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-reli-gious dialog- 3.64(0.75)4.40 3.57(0.76)3.20 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy - 3.67(0.59)2.86 3.20(0.40)2.71 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery - 3.67(0.71)4.14 3.72(0.59)3.71 3.68(0.57)personal growth - 4.38(0.38)4.57 4.17(0.39)4.00 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers- 3.86(0.65)4.14 3.9(0.62)3.57 3.94(0.65)purpose in life - 3.77(0.61)4.43 3.76(0.51)4.14 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance - 3.79(0.68)3.43 3.86(0.62)3.14 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability - 3.42(0.78)3.00 3.40(0.70)3.42 3.40(0.68)extraversion - 3.26(0.58)3.58 3.25(0.58)3.08 3.20(0.56)openness to experience - 3.90(0.47)3.17 3.89(0.49)3.00 3.92(0.58)agreeableness - 3.74(0.46)4.33 3.73(0.44)3.92 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness - 3.7(0.49)3.75 3.76(0.51)3.58 3.78(0.50)7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 181Richard’s score on ttt has decreased a lot between time 2 and time 3, being above av-erage at wave 2 and below at wave 3.This may hint to an individualization of his beliefsby his possible turning away from an all-too-literal understanding of the Bible to amoreprivatized form of faith. Interestingly, scores for xenos take the same route, which is notas easily understandable. On the Ryff Scale, his scores for purpose in life show a slight de-crease (as is expected in older age) but are both well above the average. This is in accor-dance with the impression Richard gives in his interviews.He is a person with a definitepurpose in life, which has never been at stake. At the same time, his answers on the sub-scale self-acceptance position him as a person with a rather low self-esteem, which is alsonot easy to understand in light of his interview answers. In contrast to Renate’s surveydata, Richard shows rather low scores on autonomy and high scores for personal growth atwave 2.The latter is in accordancewith thefinding from the content analysis that showedRichard’s emphasis on not forgetting oneself in the process of helping others. Low au-tonomy scoresmight be related to the fact that Richard, being older than Renate as well,more strongly perceives the drawbacks that go along with getting older. On the NEO-FFI subscales, one may see that his scores for openness to experience well below the aver-age of my sample at both times, which depict him as a person who is not that keen onmaking new experiences, which may be understandable when considering his age. Hisagreeableness score is high,well above the average atwave 2, and still slightly above atwave3, indicating the willingness to get along well with other people, even though this readi-ness seems to decline with older age. His scores for emotional stability, while being belowaverage at wave 2, are about average at wave 3. The lower score at wave 2 may be inter-preted with the background knowledge that Renate and Richard were at a critical pointat wave 2, having to decide where and how they wanted to spend the rest of their lives,which may well have affected their emotional stability.What can be gathered from these findings regarding the development of Richard’ssubjective religiosity? Religion runs like a common thread through his whole life.Work-ing in old people’s welfare is explicitly justified with his Christian63 faith and remains apersonality-constituting factor even in old age long after his retirement, which suggeststhat his work with old people never was a mere job but a mission. This is a logical con-tinuation of his work in Africa and puts a stronger emphasis on his work in Germany.However, it becomes clear that he encountered the indigenous population with a lot ofrespect (which points to a xenological pattern of tolerance, respect and esteem as de-scribed in Streib & Keller, 2018a, p. 90), which is within the range of what Treutler (2017)reports aboutattitudes toward theAfricanpeopleof that specialmission.Thisquote fromhis third interview also gives a good impression of Richard’s fundamental ethical prin-ciples:Relations with other people, especially with the African people in Africa. It wasn’thard for me at all to integrate there, to be one of them, and not the Europeanboss […] and I realized, “Be careful not to deem yourself the super potent guy fromEurope while the others have no competences.” And so, I made the experience ofbeing together with people, African people, who were to me vastly superior con-cerning some of their abilities and also their education. That’s something you haveto realize first in order not to behave like an oaf.64 (Richard, FDI, time 3)182 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThis quote hints at a certain appreciation for the strange, and the encounters with thosepeople in general are described as positive and enriching. It is remarkable that this indi-cation for xenosophia (Streib, 2018) is strongest in the latest interview, suggesting thatbeing aware he is in the last phase of his life, Richard has come to the conclusion thathis time in Africa changed his way of thinking by being confronted with old, probablyinherited, prejudices and overcoming them by the actual encounter with “the strange.”Interestingly, this does not align with his scores on the RSS subscale xenos, since it couldbe assumed that this attitude reflects in his answers in the survey as well. A higher scoreon xenos would also be expected (according to Streib et al., 2020) when looking at hisstyle-aspect maps and his ratings, moving from type 2 (predominantly conventional) totype 3 (predominantly individuative-reflective). In Richard’s case, it can be concludedthat some findings from the survey cannot be explained with the help of other methodsof analysis. The same may be admitted for Richard’s low scores on self-acceptance whichare not compatible with his interview statements which depict him as someone who iscontentwithwhat he has achieved in life at all timepoints.Overall, fitting his high scoreson purpose in life, his identity was reconstructed as that of a person who gains much sat-isfaction of his profession and has a stable and positive social life.Richard has reached amore reflective standpoint regarding the difficult relationshipwith his father in the course of his three interviews,which, following hismission of help-ingpeople, is amelioratedonce the father becomes fragile and is taken care of byRichard.But not only the reversed roles are important, but Richard is able to concede that he hasdeveloped a new form of his respect for his father in that situation.This position ismorenuanced at time 3 than in his other interviews, showing a development and a growingreflectiveness in old age (something which was also visible in his wife’s interviews).Reflectinghis higher ratings in the style-aspectmapsof his later interviews, the anal-ysis of his interviews has shown amore individuated form of belief and amore reflectiveapproach to moral questions over the years, especially pronounced at time 3. Exemplar-ily, thiswas shownregardinghis desire tohelppeople.At time 1,being able tohelp is a giftfromGod as well as being an order and an honor. At time 2, the readiness to help ismorestrongly described to be inherent in his personality. A distinctive new quality is detectedin his statement at time 3, namely the necessity to think of oneself by being altruistic buttaking good care of oneself at the same time.This is a development regarding importantvalues,which is representative forRichard’s pronouncedly different take at the questionsduring his third interview.7.3 Renate and Richard—Comparison and ConclusionThe two single case studies have shown that Renate and Richard are people who livedtheir lives closely connected to the Christian faith and its concept of charity, showingtheir roots in a Protestant movement close to the German Pietism of the 17th and 18thcentury. The analysis has shown Renate to be oriented toward her family and harmo-nious relationships, which is consistent with the religious styles ratings, and thereforeher also consistent religious type 2 (predominantly conventional). However, there aresomemeaningful exceptions that canbe seen in the style-aspectmaps,but not in the type7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 183assignment, which points to a more reflective and systematic thinking. This is demon-strated when she talks about the relationship with her mother, which she seems to havereflectedmore thoroughly by time 3.She can see now that, by herwish to distance herselfas much as possible, she was not able to see the good sides her mother had as well. ForRenate, there are more uncertainties the older she gets, and she therefore develops herown sense of faith.Richard’s interviews reflect howmuch he sees his job as a mission.This is a possiblyreasonwhy he does not talk somuch about hiswife and his family.His professional life isportrayed as meaningful and identity constructing and as the main theme for his wholelife and personality.The family, which is always in the background, is taken for grantedbut does not serve as ameans to explain howRichard constructs his world in the contextof these interviews, which can be assumed to be a rather typical approach for men inthe context this couple has lived their whole lives. Both of them have had profound newinsights regarding their relationships to their parents and their faith likewise in the lastera of their lives, while their family and their marriage have always been a constant.Renate and Richard both value the fact that they can practice their religion together.While Renate states that she perceives her husband as God’s gift and that working to-gether with himmade her very happy, she also mentions that he is a kind of mentor forher during her interview at time 1:I don’t have to ask myself constantly whether I’m doing God’s will, but I just have todo what is obvious, care for people, and thereby I have recognized God’s will. Andthis always gave me strength, also in conversations with my husband, I don’t haveto tear myself apart asking whether I’m doing the right thing or not.65 (Renate, FDI,time 1)In this quote, it becomes clear that Renate gains strength and reassurances by talking toher husband about topics regarding her faith. Her trust in God and the continuity anddeepening of her faith is apparent here as well as the importance of sharing the samereligion with her husband. She also mentions reading books, which might point to anindividual study and therefore a more individual forming of an opinion.InRichard’s accounts, there is notmuch reference to hiswork as a jointworkwith hiswife. However, he also stresses how important the shared religiosity is for him as shownwhen he talks about his praying rituals:We pray, my wife and I, together. Me by myself as well. […] So, praying plays a bigrole. And a very important and fundamental role in our Christian faith.66 (Richard,FDI, time 2)Praying and thereby contacting God is described as fundamental for—and this shouldbe stressed— “our Christian faith.” The faith is something that is seen as undoubtedlysharedwithin themarriage. Richard emphasizes here the importance of performing theritual of praying together. In his time 3 interview, the shared ritual is described again inmore detail:184 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesYes. Erm, first, my wife and I hold a service each morning and each evening andthen we read a Biblical saying or a paragraph from the Bible. And then there areinterpretations for those, which we read. And we pray, in the morning and in theevening.67 (Richard, FDI, time 3)Beside going to church on a regular basis, holding private services is important for theirfaith practice. Renate mentioned that in her third interview along with Richard: in thelast couple of years, they have adopted the habit of reading Bible interpretations, therebypossibly adding different views to their own.There is one event during the time 2 interviews that is mentioned by both of themandwhichmight serve to illustrate the ways in which theymake important decisions. Atthis point, the couple had tomake plans about their future after retirement.They had totalk about where and how they want to spend the rest of their lives,which was a decisionprocess very present for both of them at the time, since they both answered the questionregarding important decisions in a similar manner:Table 21: Comparison of Richard’s and Renate’s answers regarding important decisions, time 2When you have an important decision to make, how do you generally go about making it?Richard, time 2: Renate, time 2:Now that we’re old, we have to think abouthow things should go on once we’re not soindependent and fit health-wise and whatdecisions dowehave tomakenow?Mywife andI think about that together and thenmake thedecision. [If you have a very difficult problemto solve, to whom or what would you look forguidance?]Well, I would at least orient myselfby my wife. For example, we were discussingthe question what happens if we cannot keepthis flat here anymore, if one of us is going to bein need of care.What dowe do then?Wemadethis decision together and go in this directionnow bravely. Like I said, my wife and I agreecompletely on howwewant to do this.68Then I talk tomy husband about it. Usually (laugh-ing) we decide together. [I: Can you give me anexample?] Fortunately, I still havemy husband, heis a bit older than me and therefore I can orientmyself by him. Sometimes there are things that Ican’t figure out bymyself. I talk those throughwithmy husband. […] For example, howwewish thingsto be in the future, regarding our old age. Thosewere the things lately whichmade you think, sincewe were involved in the work for the elderly. Andyou ponder: Howdowewant to approach this? Likewith the funeral, with solutions, howandwherewewant to live. […] and we considered this togetherandweighed pros and cons.69At this point in their life, their job as house parents has come to an end, and theyhave to organize their lives during retirement and prepare for the last phase of theirlives (Renate even going so far as to talk about plans for their funerals). It can be arguedthat Richard is now able to turn his focus of attention more on himself or his marriage,since the diversion of his work is not an issue anymore.When reading the two answers,it becomes apparent that they see themselves as important counselors for each other.Both their depictions suggest that the process described ismutual and on eye-level, eventhough Renate notes that, due to the fact that her husband is a couple of years older thanher, she can rely on Richard’s experiences (even though there is the restriction “usually,”7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 185followed by laughter, which might point to certain contentious issues she does not wantto unfold here).Both are dealingwith questions of how theywant to live (and die, conclu-sively) from now on with Renate referring to their shared background of having workedin old people’s welfare.Comparing their approach to the facets of faith that are offered within the study de-sign, it becomes clear that Renate more strongly rejects the term “spirituality” and un-derstands it as “something different than religion,” creatingmore distance between her-self and thosewhowould consider themselves spiritual.ForRichard, spirituality possiblyseems to be an acceptable part of religion, even though he personally “does not need it.”Both seemtobecomemoreabstractwhen talkingabout their religiosity as theyage.Whatunites them is the tendency to proclaim a “simple faith” for themselves,which alignswellwith their Protestant, partially pietistic form of religiosity.Summedup,Richard andRenate share a faith and appreciate that on personal levels.The nuances that arementioned in the interviews are different, and the emphasis on themarriage is not the same. It may be argued that Richard fulfills the type of the gainfullyemployedmanwho finds satisfaction in his job by focusing on his professional life morethan on his family. Renate is not unlike otherwomen of her generation. In a similar, con-servative, context, shemay see herself as being responsible for raising the childrenwhilegettingavocational trainingnotbeingapriority once she ismarried.However, the luckofbeing able to work, albeit without pay, together with her husband has done a lot to raiseRenate’s opinion of herself. As for their faith, it became apparent in the analyses thatRichard is more invested with social criticism directed toward the injustices on Earth,while Renate stays within her own realm of experience and directs hermore implicit cri-tique more towards people she perceives not to be as altruistic as she is. Both seem tohave come to amore individuated form of faith over the years, being able to shed certainbeliefs that do not seem fitting for them anymore, perhaps due to their retirement andnot being in any focus of attention.Their joint study of texts interpreting the Bible mayhave been a beneficial factor for this development although this is not made explicit.Looking for a leitmotif, the mission to help others that are less privileged can benamed as the most important in all of the interviews analyzed here. In Richard’s time 3interview, there is a new notion, emphasizing that this cannot and should not be done atall costs. Self-abandonment is not desirable.This realization, however, cannot be foundin Renate’s interviews, and it may be hypothesized that this is a difference that can beattributed to her socialization as awoman in a conservative environment inwhich it wasexpected of her tomarry and raise children instead of prioritizing and pursuing her ownambitions. Nevertheless, it could be established that Renate has managed to create herown sphere of activity.Notes1 In nursery homes operated by the Protestant church in a diaconal fashion, oftena couple would serve as heads of the house. Those were not necessarily trained ingeriatric care, the focus was rather on living together in a family-like manner, witha Christian ethos.This has been changing in the last decades in favor of people with186 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesan actual background in the respective field of expertise (for an overview of the his-tory of diaconal welfare for old people, see https://www.diakonie.de/altenhilfe (lastretrieved 2023–06-16)).2 Gott [steht] über allem, aber er hat denMenschen einen freienWillen gegeben,dasssie selber entscheiden können, ob sie für oder gegen Gott arbeiten. […] Aber letztenEndes ist er doch da und wird dieWelt irgendwie retten.3 Der Tod meines Vaters, als ich zehn Jahre war. Das hat mein Leben sehr stark-, äh,das hab ich immer wieder gemerkt, dass ich das im Nachhinein immer sehr starkempfunden habe. Das war ein tiefer Einschnitt.4 Ich hab zwar schon Leid auch erfahren, eben dadurch, dassmein Vater früh gestor-ben ist. Aber das hat nie die Beziehung zu Gott irgendwie in Frage gestellt.5 Ja, das ist zum erstenMal die Kindheit.Dann die Schulzeit. Eswar so, dass ichmei-nen Vater schon sehr früh verloren habe und da ist eigentlich so mit zehn Jahrenschon ein Bruch passiert. Dann kam ich auf eine andere Schule. Und da war das soeine Internatsschule.Daswar alles in [LandX inAfrika]. […] Aber ich habe gemerkt,dass der Tod meines Vaters mein Leben sehr geprägt hat, so dass also praktisch daauch eine Zäsur war.6 Die haben mir sicherlich auch sehr viel vorgelebt. Und mir sehr viel gegeben, inmeinem Glauben. Ja, das war ein Vorbild. Vor allen Dingen meine Mutter. […] Wirkommen eben auch aus einer langen Tradition von Christen. […] Ja, ich bin ihnendankbar. Dass sie mir das vorgelebt haben.7 Sicherlich, äh,meine Mutter (nachWorten suchend) war eine etwas dominierendePerson. Und vielleicht war es für meine Persönlichkeit oder für meine Selbständig-keitmanchmal dann ganz gut, dass sie nichtmehr dawar.Aber ich trage ihr eigent-lich nichts nach. Sie hat sogar mich um Vergebung gebeten. Für alle Fehler, die siein der Erziehung gemacht hätte. Und das war schon eine sehr wichtige Sache. […]Und äh danach habenwir sie nichtwiedergesehen, […] so dass ich froh bin, dasswirdas noch so haben aufarbeiten können und ich ihr eben nichts mit Groll nachsehenbrauche.8 Ich hatte ein sehr enges Verhältnis zumeinemVater undmeineMutter war eigent-lich so die Bestimmendere in der Familie. Und sie hat mein Leben auch bestimmt.Unddashabe icheigentlicherst spätergelernt,dass sie eben,aber ebenwahrschein-lich auch durch den Tod meines Vaters, war sie diejenige, die uns erziehen mussteund hat ebenmein Leben bestimmt undmich dadurch in eine gewisse Unselbstän-digkeit geführt. […] Ich habe erst einen Bruch zu meiner Mutter erlebt, als ich ver-heiratet war. Und dass ich mich da abgenabelt habe von ihr. Sie hat versucht, auchda (lachend) inunser Lebeneinzuwirken,auch inderErziehungmeinerKinder,unddass ichmich dann dagegen gewehrt habe. Aber ich habe dann einen versöhnlichenAbschluss gehabt, weil sie hat mich um Verzeihung gebeten. Für die Fehler, die siebei mir gemacht hatte. Ich habe das zwar in dem Moment, als sie das sagte, nichtso empfunden. Ich sage: „Ich habe dir eigentlich nichts zu verzeihen, aber späterhabe ich immer gemerkt, ja, wie sie in mein Leben eingewirkt hat. Und so bin ichdankbar, dass wir einen guten Abschluss bekommen haben.9 [I: gibt es in Ihrer Vergangenheit Beziehungen, die Ihre persönliche Entwicklungentscheidend beeinflusst haben?] Also ich war ein absolutes Vaterkind. Das ist ja7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 187meistens oder oft bei Töchtern und Vätern, ne? Das hat mich sicher auch beein-flusst, obwohl es ja eigentlich relativ kurze Zeit war. Ich denke, sein Humor, seineruhigeArt,die habe ich sicher auchgeerbt. […] [I:WiewürdenSie IhreEltern jeweilsbeschreiben?] Da ich meinen Vater ja nur als Kleinkind gekannt habe, kann ich esschlecht sagen. Ichweißnur,dass er ein sehr fröhlicherMenschwar,humorvoll, lie-bevoll. Ich habe ihn eigentlich nie ausfällig erlebt.MeineMutter war die Strengere,die erzogenhat,diegeschimpfthat auch. […]Aber ichhabe leidermeinenVater ebennicht als Erwachsene kennengelernt.10 Sie hatmich auch sicher eine Zeitlangdominiert, obwohl ich das nichtwahrgenom-menhabe, aber sie hatmein Leben bestimmt.Und als ich dann geheiratet habe,warichdannplötzlich aus ihremEinflussbereich heraus und in einemeigenenEinfluss-bereich. Und ich denke, das war fürmich wahrscheinlich auch ganz heilsam.Da istein Bruch passiert, mit meiner Mutter. Weil da hatte ich dann meine Kinder undsie hat versucht, dann auch ein bisschen da Einfluss zu nehmen odermir Ratschlä-ge zu geben oder […] über mein Leben teilweise zu verfügen. […] Und das habe icheigentlich ganz heilsam empfunden, dass sie nachher nicht mehr da war. […] Undich habe das erst jetzt vor einigen Jahren gelernt, dass durch den Todmeines Vatersich mich verantwortlich fühlte als Trösterin für meine Mutter, weil ich die Einzigewar, die da war als der Vater starb. […] Und ich denke, dadurch hatte ich auch nichtdie Kraft, mich aufzulehnen gegen irgendwelche Anordnungen […] [I: Hat sich IhrBild von Ihren Eltern im Laufe der Jahre verändert?] Ich habemeineMutter... ja, alsKind hat man sie natürlich als Autoritätsperson gesehen. Später habe ich sie dannetwas, äh, kritischer gesehen. Naja, nachher ist sie gestorben. Da war ich vielleichtdann manchmal auch zu kritisch, […], dass ich vielleicht das Gute, was sie hatte,nicht genug anerkannt habe.11 Ja, sicherlichmeinMann. (lacht) Ichglaube,dass aucher fürmicheinganzbesonde-rer Glücksfall war, und durch meinenMann habe ich sicherlich auch noch sehr vielstärker diese Beziehung zu Gott empfinden können und wahrnehmen können. […]Ja, ich habemeinenMann auch als Gottes Geschenk empfunden, […] dass das auchGottesWillewar, und dassGottmir die Liebe auch zumeinemManngeschenkt hat.Und das war für mich ein großes Glück.12 MeinMann und ich haben beide eine Missionsgeschichte und unsere Eltern warenschon zusammen gewesen auf einerMissionsstation, von daher kannten die Fami-lien sich. Und das war natürlich eine besondere Fügung, dass wir dann geheiratethaben. […] Man wusste, wovon der andere sprach und das war schon was Besonde-res.13 As a side note, it may be added here that in research investigating the connectionbetween attachment and religiosity, her trajectory is described as the “‘correspon-dence’ pathway to religion and spirituality,” adopting the generic stance toward be-lief of her caregivers, see for example, Granqvist (2020, p. 123).14 Ichdenke,das liegt sicher auchdaran,dass ich eine glücklicheBeziehunghabe.Undgut eingebunden bin in der Familie. […] Ich glaube, das ist sicher der Grund, dassich in einer sehr behütetenKindheit, vielleicht auchnicht immer,aufgewachsenbinoder in einer, ja, in einer Familie. Auch im großen Verwandtenkreis eine Beziehunghabe oder auch durchmeinenMann in seiner Familie gut aufgehoben bin. Und von188 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdaher stellt sich dann gar nicht die Frage, dass man jetzt irgendwie den Sinn desLebens infrage stellt.15 Die Arbeit im Altenheim hat so etwas Beglückendes.Weil man dort den Menschensehr viel Liebe entgegenbringen kann. Und ich habe also sehr viel auch Zuneigungerfahren. […] Und wir haben uns bemüht, eben die Menschen so anzunehmen, wiesie sind. Und ihnen ein Stück Zuhause zu geben. Und das war eben etwas, was füruns beide auch,meinenMannundmich, sehr, sehr schönwar.Dasswir diese Arbeitgemeinsam tun konnten, ich war zwar nur die Frau des Heimleiters, aber ich warals Hausmuttermit imHaus tätig.Und […] das war einfach das Beglückende, etwasgemeinsam zu tun.16 Alswir zurückkamen [aus Afrika],war ich zunächst auch erst zuHause,meinMannwar hier schon stellvertretenderHeimleiter.Unddannnach fünf Jahrenwurdenwirebengebeten zusammendieHeimleitung zuübernehmen,unddabin ichdannhiermit eingestiegen.Unddaswar fürmichdannauchnochmal eine sehrdankbareAuf-gabe, die Dankbarkeit der altenMenschen zu sehen und zu erleben und zu spüren.[…] [I: Und das haben Sie dann hier aber ohne eine spezielle Ausbildung gemacht?]OhneAusbildung, ja. Ichhatte ebenkeinenBerufundwardann,dashießhierHaus-mutter, damals noch. […] Damals war das noch, dass das Diakonen-Ehepaar die Al-tenheime geleitet hat und so waren das die Hauseltern. Wir waren noch jung, wirwären eigentlich eher die Kinder gewesen, aber es war trotzdem sehr, sehr schön.17 Ich habe dann noch ein bisschen hier und da was gemacht, aber eben nicht die-se Ausbildung. Und das hat mir ein wenigMinderwertigkeitskomplexe geschaffen,weil ich keine Ausbildung hatte, das Gefühl hatte, ich bin da also nicht so vollwertig(lächelt) als Berufstätige. Deswegen war das ja auch für mich toll hier nachher alsHausmutter.Da konnte ich dann so auf Formularen schreiben „Hausmutter“, dannbrauchte ich da nicht „ohne Beruf“ schreiben oder nur „Hausfrau“.18 Spiritualität ist für mich zu abstrakt, ich nenne es Anbetung.19 Spiritualität ist für mich nicht so wichtig. Ich halte es lieber mit dem schlichtenGlauben.20 Glaube an Gott.21 Ichwürde sagen,gläubig.Spirituell nicht. [I:Wasbedeutetdas fürSie?]DasgibtmirHalt. Dass ich eben an Gott glauben kann. Dass ich weiß, dass es eine Macht gibt,diemich hält, und dass ich nicht in einem luftleeren Raumbin. (leise) DadurchHalthabe.22 Also ich würde mich als gläubig bezeichnen. Weil ich eben an Gott glaube und dasist fürmich sehrwichtig. […] Ja, spirituell und religiös, das können eben auch ande-re Religionen sein. Oder spirituell, ja, das kann zumBeispiel ja solche Esoterik seinoder sowas. Und das ist es fürmich nicht. […] Fürmich ist wichtig, dass ich an Gottglaube. [I: Also „Glauben“ verbinden Sie mit „an Gott glauben“?] Ja. Ich meine, na-türlich gibt es auch „Glauben an Allah“ oder die Juden glauben auch an Gott, nicht,aber für mich... ich glaube eher an Gott und den Dreieinigen Gott: Jesus, HeiligenGeist und Gott Vater. [I: Also im christlichen Sinne?] Ja.23 Ich habe immer mit diesem spirituellen (lächelt) ein Problem. Ich halte mich ei-gentlich für glaubend. Man kann das natürlich auch als gläubig bezeichnen, aberich glaube. Ich glaube an Gott. [I: Und mit spirituell haben Sie ein Problem?] Äh,7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 189da denkt man immer an die Esoterik. (lacht) Oder ich denke daran. [I: Und Sie sa-gen lieber glaubend als gläubig. Warum?] Äh, gläubig ist so ein schwammiger Be-griff für mich. [I: Und was bedeutet dann glaubend für Sie?] Glaubend ist konkret.Ich glaube an Gott. Gläubig ist so allgemein. [I: Und religiös?] Religiös, (lächelt) dakommteinemnatürlichder religiöse Fundamentalismus indenSinn.Äh,würde ichmichnicht so bezeichnen.Denn ichglaubenicht,dass ich so religiös bin. [I: Alsomitglaubend, sind Sie da ganz zufrieden?] Ja, bin ich zufrieden. (lächelt) Das reichtmirschon.24 Als Kind hat man eben Gott sehr stark als Vater empfunden. Er wurde einem ja si-cher auch so dargestellt. Und dann später... war das für mich eine Autorität, ja, et-was, wo man Halt hatte. Ja. Ich habe eigentlich auch kein richtiges Gottesbild ge-habt. Es war einfach eine Instanz, die ich jetzt auch gar nicht so näher beschreibenkann. Aber sicherlich, Gott war für mich derjenige, der einen beschützt, der einenhält, zu dem man Vertrauen haben kann. [I: Was bedeutet Gott heute für Sie?] Ja,immer noch das Gleiche. Also es hat sich da in dieser Beziehung nichts geändert.25 Früher, ichweißnicht,wie ichdas ausdrücken soll...Dawar ich vielleichtnochnichtganz so tolerantwie heute.Aber das hat eigentlich nichtsmit der Beziehung zuGottzu tun,daswar eigentlich somehr,dassman toleranter ist gegenüberAuffassungenvon anderen. Also früher war ich zum Beispiel... hatte ich das Gefühl, ich bin nichtfrommgenug und da bin ich jetzt heutzutage freier und dass ichmir sage: „[…] Gotthat ein weites Herz.Und ichmuss jetzt nicht einen bestimmten Frömmigkeitsgradhaben, um zu Gott zu kommen.“ […] [I: Erinnern Sie sich, was diese Entwicklungoder diese Veränderung angestoßen hat?] Das sind so Gespräche auch, auch so inden letzten Jahren durch ja, Predigten oder wennman so Andachten hört, die nichtso fromm sind oder Lesen von Büchern, das hat mich dann doch weitergebracht.26 Früher hatman ja einen kindlichenGlauben gehabt.Der liebeGott. […] Und danachspäter hatman auch vieles nicht so infrage gestellt oder ich nicht so infrage gestellt.Später habe ich mich dann eigentlich mehr auch für die, ja, die Geschichte hinterder Bibel interessiert.Und ich finde es unheimlich spannend auch, dieHintergrün-de in denbiblischenGeschichten zuhören, […] unddas erschüttertmeinenGlaubennicht, auchwenn ich weiß, dass die Bibel jetzt nicht eine Chronologie der Ereignis-se gewesen ist, sondern eine Geschichte, die Menschen aufgeschrieben haben, umetwas zu verdeutlichen. […] Für mich ist das kein Gegensatz, dass Gott dieWelt er-schaffen hat, obwohl ich weiß, da sind die Planeten und das Weltall und so weiterund die Evolution unddie Schöpfung, ist fürmich keinGegensatz. […] [I:Wie ist ihrGottesbild heute?] Gott ist manchmal auch ein unverständlicher Gott. […] Ich habegelesen,Gott hat denMenschen die Freiheit gegeben, und deswegen ist derMenschfrei, ob er sich so oder so entscheidet, für Gott und damit aber auch eben für seinenMitmenschenda zu sein oder die Schöpfung zubewahrenodernur selbst imMittel-punkt steht und Gott eigentlich nicht braucht. Und wenn man Gott nicht braucht,dann schert man sich nicht drum, was um einen herum passiert. […] Und dadurchhat Gott sich auch ein Stück entmachtet, selber. […] Und das habe ich eben erst soin den letzten Jahren, auch so in Büchern gelernt. Und das ist für mich so ein Aha-Erlebnis, gibt mir unheimlich auch Befreiung.190 Leitmotifs in Life Stories27 Mein Ideal reifen Glaubens… Sicherlich, dass man möglichst wenig zweifelt, dassmanmerkt, dass man GottesWeg geht, dass man denWillen Gottes tut. […] Ja, dashat sich auch eigentlich in den letzten Jahren entwickelt, oder auch hier inDeutsch-land,dass ich darinmehr Sicherheit bekommenhabe,dass ichnichtmehr so selbst-zweifeln brauch. Ob ich wirklich den richtigen Glauben habe, sondern, ja, meinGlaube ist dann auch ein Stück, äh, kindlicher geworden. Weil ich sag, ich mussmich nicht jetzt ständig fragen, tue ich jetzt GottesWille, sondern ichmuss einfachdas Naheliegende tun, mich um die Menschen kümmern, und darin hab ich danneben auch dann GottesWillen erkannt.28 Wir Menschen sind nicht nur für uns selbst da. Ich glaube, dass wir Menschen ei-nen Sinn haben.Wennwir […] für andereMenschen da sind.Dann hat unser Lebeneinen Sinn. Mein Leben hat einen Sinn, weil ich für meine Familie da bin. […] Unddadurch eben dann auch zu mir selber komme. […] [I: Gibt es so etwas wie einenPlan für unser Leben?] Ich denke schon, dass Gott oft einen Plan hat für uns. Dasser dann unser Leben bestimmt, ja.29 Ich glaube ja, wir brauchen gar nicht so einen reifen Glauben. Ein kleiner Glaubereicht auchaus,alsowirmüssennichtunbedingt einengroßartigenGlaubenhaben.[…] Ja, dieses Gefühl,Gott etwas vorweisen zumüssen, dassman eben sagt: „Ah, ichmuss jetzt weiterkommen imGlauben“–es steht zwar in der Bibel, aber ... fürmichist das nicht so wichtig, ich denke, Gott nimmt uns auch an, auch wenn wir keineStufen emporklimmen.Es reicht aus,wennwir sagen: „Gott,danke,dass dudabist“oder: „Ich glaube, dass dumich annimmst.“30 Wir Menschen sollen die Erde bewahren, nicht die Erde oder die Schöpfung aus-beuten. Wir sollen so leben, dass wir nicht nur egoistisch sind, sondern dass wirauch an die denken, die nach uns kommen, unsere Kinder. […] Ich denke da so andie reichenMenschen, die eben nur für sich leben und das wäre fürmich nichts, dahätte ichmein Leben nicht so ganz gut gelebt, wenn ich das Gefühl hätte, ich könn-te nicht auch für andere Menschen da sein. […] [I: Wird unser Leben von höherenMächten beeinflusst?] Mh ja, ich denke von Gott. Aber nicht so, dass der Menscheine Marionette ist, sondern dass Gott über allem steht, aber er hat den Menscheneinen freienWillen gegeben, dass sie selber entscheiden können, ob sie für oder ge-genGott arbeiten. […] Aber letztenEndes ist er dochdaundwird dieWelt irgendwieretten.31 Ich weiß gar nicht, ob es einen reifen Glauben überhaupt gibt. Ich denke, man istimmer auf der Suche oder es gibt immer Schwankungen im Glauben, glaube ich.Und es kann gut sein, dass man eine Zeit hat, wo man nicht so glaubt. Deswegenist für mich das immer so ein bisschen fraglich, dass man im Glauben wächst. Daskann ich nicht so nachvollziehen, natürlich, als Kind glaubt man anders als als Er-wachsener, […]. Aber dann weiß ich nicht, ob man dann noch weiter wachsen kannim Glauben. Ich spüre das noch nicht so. […] Auch in der Bibel der Paulus sprichtauch immer von reifem Glauben. Aber ich weiß nicht, wie das geht. Vielleicht binich da nicht abstrakt genug. […] Vielleicht könnenmanche das von sich behaupten,dass sie einen reifen Glauben haben. Aber da bin ich eher zurückhaltend.32 Ja, unser Leben hat einen Sinn. Weil wir Gottes Geschöpfe sind, hat es den Sinn,dass Gott sagt: „Macht euch die Erde untertan, bewahrt sie.“ Aber wirmüssen nicht7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 191die Erde zerstören. Unser Leben hat den Sinn, dass wir die Schöpfung bewahren.[…] [I: Wird unser Leben von höheren Mächten beeinflusst?] Also nicht von einerMacht. Äh, für mich jedenfalls bewahrt mein Leben Gott. Es gibt sicher manche,die an andereMächte glauben, aber daran glaube ich nicht. [I: Aber Sie können sichprinzipiell vorstellen, dass es das gibt, weil Sie sagten, nicht nur eineMacht mögli-cherweise?] Es gibt vielleicht andereMächte, ja, es gibt auch böseMächte, die auchEinfluss haben. Aber da sollte man sich vielleicht lieber nicht mit einlassen.33 Ich kann einen Gottesdienst auch unter einer Schirmakazie in der Steppe [Afrikas]halten und brauche dazu nicht einen Hochaltar undMessgewänder, sondern da istmeine Beziehung zu Gott eben sehr viel nüchterner.34 Ich würd sagen die Kindheit, mit Schulzeit, die eine entscheidende Phase meinesLebens waren, sehr prägend. nach der Schulzeit die Zeit der Ausbildung, die Suchenach Orientierung, oder Orientierung empfangen, in welche Richtungmein Lebengestaltet werden soll. Dann nach der Ausbildung, ähm, die Zielrichtung, also wo-hin ich dann gegangen bin, als, Rausgebildeter und dann eben meine Heirat, undGründung einer Familie und Leben im Ausland. Das sind so die Hauptmerkmale.Und die Rückkehr nach Deutschland wieder, das käme noch dazu.35 Die Kapitel Kindheit, Jugend/Schulzeit, […]. Also meine Berufszeit, die würde ichunterteilen in verschiedeneBereiche,verschiedenePerioden.DaswärealsodieAus-bildungszeit, […]. Dann die erste Zeit, als ich inmeinem Beruf gearbeitet habe, daswar einedreijährigeZeit inAfrika.DannkommtauchmeineBerufsausbildungszeithier inDeutschland,also imDiakonberuf […].Unddannnochmal acht Jahre alsDia-kon in [Land in Afrika Y] in verschiedenen Bereichen. Und dann die Rückkehr nachDeutschland, Beruf oder Tätigkeit im Bereich der Altenhilfe hier in [Stadtteil Z].Und dann der Ruhestand.36 Ja, die gibt es auf jeden Fall, und zwar denk ichmal hab ich eine sehr starkeBindungzumeinerMutter gehabt.Wirwaren [viele] Kinder ichwar das [zweitjüngste] Kind,und gerade in der Kriegszeit, wo diese existentiellen Ängste sehr stark waren, undder Vater nicht dawar,war dieMutter fürmich also ungeheuerwichtig.Und sie hatdas auch verstanden, eben ihre Mütterlichkeit voll zu entfalten und uns Kinderneben auch zu geben.37 Much could be said about the mission in Africa at that time, especially the time be-tween 1933, the year of theNazi takeover inGermany, and 1939/40,when themissionwas temporarily suspended due to the beginning of the 2nd World War; however,neither Richard nor Renate really talk about that time or their parents’ role and ide-ology. For that reason, the interested reader might be referred, as a starting point,to Treutler’s (2017) dissertation on the Christian mission conception and Nazi-in-fluenced worldview.38 Ich bin hier in [Stadtteil Z] aufgewachsen in der Kriegszeit, in der Bombenzeit,und wie meine Mutter es fertiggebracht hat, uns als Kinder –wir waren [viele] Ge-schwister – auch in der Nachkriegszeit, wo wir wirklich Hunger gelitten haben,durchzubringen. Und sie war eine sehr zierliche Frau und eine sehr liebevolle Frauund sie war für mich einfach so der Hort der Geborgenheit auch. Und ist es eigent-lich auch bis zum Schluss gewesen.192 Leitmotifs in Life Stories39 Zu meiner Mutter hatte ich ein sehr, sehr starkes Verhältnis. Sie war eine ausge-sprochen humorvolle, liebevolle Mutter, die uns Kinder also sehr, sehr geprägt hat.[…]MeineMutter hat mir sehr viel gegeben, dasmuss ich schon sagen. Und sie warso der Ruhepol in unserer Familie.40 Als Kind erlebte ich die Bombenangriffe, die sehr, sehr prägend für mich waren.Angstzustände, psychisch, körperlich, aber auch dieses Gefühl… Zum Beispiel ei-ne Episode,wir saßen in unserem Luftschutzkeller […] und die Bomben fielen.Unddas war ein Höllenlärm. Und wie meine Mutter und mein Bruder und meine klei-ne Schwester, die noch in der Wiege lag, da mit uns Lieder sang, um uns einfachabzulenken, aber auch praktisch als Gebet. Und das hat mich schon sehr geprägt,damals.41 Mein Vater war für mich etwas zu groß, Übervater, vor dem ich auch ein bisschenAngst hatte, weil er, anders als meine Mutter, nicht so das Verhältnis zu mir hatte,wie ich esmir gewünscht hätte, er war sehr viel außerHause. Er war sehr autoritär,und vondaher hatte ich alsonicht so einepositiveBeziehung zu ihm,bis später zumAlter,woer selber hilfsbedürftigwurdeundwo ich ihmdanngeholfenhabe,weilwireinfach zusammen gewohnt haben, und ich ihm beigestanden habe. Und da ist dasVerhältnis dann sehr gut geworden.42 Also, bei meinem Vater hat es sich eben dadurch [geändert], dass ich älter wurde,verständiger wurde und im Alter ruhiger, stiller und auch zufriedener wurde. Da-durch hat sich das Verhältnis und auch mein Bild des Vaters sich sehr stark geän-dert.43 Also, ich glaube, dass eben bei meinem Vater es einfach dadurch war, dass ein Rol-lenwechsel auch stattgefunden hatte. Er war jetzt plötzlich derjenige, der meineHilfe brauchte. Ich war Leiter im [Altenheim] und er kam als Bewohner zu uns undwurde eben im Laufe der Jahre auch immer schwächer und ich konnte ihm beiste-hen. Ich konnte ihm helfen und dadurch habenwirmehr zueinander gefunden. Al-so das war mit Sicherheit auch der Grund. Er war nicht mehr derjenige, der mirsagen musste, wo es langgeht, sondern ich konnte ihm helfen und habe eben auchversucht, das so liebevoll wie möglich dann auch zu tun.44 Zumeinem Vater hatte ich nicht das innigste Verhältnis,muss ich sagen. Er war soeinbisschen fürmichderÜbervater, ja. […]Was später,erwarnachherBewohner [indemHeim,das ichgeleitet habe], in seinen letztenLebensjahren, sich sehr geänderthat.Wo er plötzlich der Schwächere war und ich derjenige, der ihm helfen konnte.Also gerade das Verhältnis umgedreht war, nicht. Und er das aber sehr tapfer dannauch angenommen hat und das akzeptiert hat und mich darin auch bestärkt hat.Aber als Kind hatte ich immer so ein bisschen Sorge vor ihm. Er war nicht brutal,absolut nicht, aber es fehlte diese emotionale Verbindung zu ihm hin. Er war auchsehr viel außer Haus.45 Naja, insofern,dass ichda ein anderesVerhältnis zumeinemVater bekommenhabein seinen letzten Lebensjahren,ne.Unddasmuss ich ihmwirklich hoch anrechnen,dass er sich in seiner Situation sehr gut eingefügt hat, also seine persönliche Situa-tion.Nie darüber geklagt hat,dass er nichtmehr so kann,wie er frühermal gekonnthat und so weiter, und dass ermich eben als eben als Leiter des Hauses hier respek-tiert hat.7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 19346 Gebet, Gottesdienst mit Liturgie.47 Frömmigkeit, Anbetung, alltägliche Beziehung zu Gott48 Glaube an Gott und Nachfolge Jesu Christi.49 Glauben an Gott.50 Ich hab ein bisschen Probleme mit diesen Begriffen […]. Ja natürlich, ich habe eineReligion, und nicht irgendeine Religion, sondern die Religion, für mich ist das dieReligion, oder der Glaube. Und spirituell, ich denke, wir haben alle Elemente derSpiritualität in uns, und bei dem einen wirkt es so oder, bei dem anderen so.Wennich eine Feier erlebe, einenGottesdienst, dann ist daswas Spirituelles, undwenn je-mandbei derOlympiade auf demTreppchen steht undneGoldmedaille umgehängtbekommt, und die Nationalhymnewird gespielt, ist es ja auchwas Spirituelles,wasihn also irgendwie bewegt, spürt, das ist ja der Geist, denn der Geist bewegt meineEmotionen. […] Es gibt meinem Leben einen ungeheuren Halt, diese Gläubigkeit,auch die Spiritualität, auch ein Gemeinschaftserlebnis, in der Gemeinde, wennwirunseren sonntäglichenGottesdienst haben,dann ist das ein gemeinschaftliches Er-lebnis,wasuns zusammenbringt undwasuns irgendwie auch irgendwiepositiv be-einflusst, […]. Ja, das bedeutet für mich Halt in meinem Leben und Sinnerfüllungin meinem Leben.51 Diese Begriffe sind ja teilweise mit negativen Empfindungen auch verbunden. […]Ich bin ein Mensch, der an Jesus Christus und an Gott glaubt. Also dann eher gläu-big, dass ich glaube, was die Bibel sagt. Aber ich bin auch nicht spirituell, also auchdiese Dinge spielen für mich nicht eine dominante Rolle wie das Beispiel, was inder katholischen Kirche ja sehr stark ausgeprägt ist bei den Gottesdiensten. Ichkomme auch ohne dem aus, ohne die Äußerlichkeiten. Und ich kann einen Gottes-dienst auch unter einer Schirmakazie in der Steppe [Afrikas] halten und brauchedazu nicht einen Hochaltar und Messgewänder, sondern da ist meine Beziehungzu Gott eben sehr viel nüchterner. […] Ich lehne dies nicht ab und wenn jemand an-ders das als sehr wichtig und für ihn sehr hilfreich empfindet, sage ich: „Okay, dasist gut für dich.“ Für mich spielt es nicht unbedingt diese Rolle.52 Es bedeutet eben Lebensinhalt, eine Lebensform, eine Möglichkeit, mein Leben zugestalten und eine Zukunftsorientiertheit zu haben.Das ist wichtig, ja. Ich binmal[…] mit dem Schiff um Südafrika herumgefahren. Und da war ein Mann, […] dermich dann fragte: „Sind sie eigentlich ein religiöser Typ?“ (lächelt) Und dann habeich ihmgesagt: „Ich bin ein Typ, aber (lacht) Religion spielt fürmich eine große Rol-le, eine ganz entscheidende Rolle. Aber ob ich nun ein religiöser Typ, (lächelt) dasweiß ich nicht.“ […] Ich denke, jeder kann religiös sein, wenn er es dennmöchte.53 Aus der Kindheit die Frömmigkeit, die ich hatte oder die sehr stark geprägt wardurch die Mutter, durch die Eltern natürlich, einmal dadurch, dass man Kind warundsie versuchten,unsKindernklar zumachen,wasGott ist undwelcheBeziehungwir zuGott haben.Danndanach,nachdemmandann selber anfing zudenken,drü-ber nachzudenken, in Konflikte geriet, in Zweifel geriet und damit fertig werdenmusste, dass man selber anfing die Bibel zu lesen, Konfirmandenunterricht, undsolche Dinge, die dann natürlich einemweiter geholfen haben.Und später existen-tielle Erlebnisse, also Erlebnisse aus dem Alltag, die mich sehr stark geprägt habenin meiner Beziehung zu Gott. Gott bedeutet für mich heute, dass ich weiß, er ist194 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesmein Schöpfer, dass ich weiß, er ist bei uns, auch wenn er nicht sichtbar ist, dassichmich bei ihm geborgen wissen darf, und, ganz besonders dass ich weiß, dass ermich auch im Sterben und im Tod umgibt und dass ich von daher also nicht in eindunkles, tiefes Loch falle sondern eher, wie wir sagen, in Gottes Hände falle, alsozurück zu ihm gehen werde.54 Es gab Zeiten, das war besonders, als ich in England war, um Englisch zu lernenund dort mit Menschen aus dem kirchlichen Bereich zu tun hatte, dass ich da sehremotional agierte und was sich nachher im Laufe der Jahre, als ich älter wurde undandere Erfahrungen gemacht habe dann, etwas relativierte. Dass ich also nüchter-ner wurde in meiner Beziehung auch zu Gott und zum christlichen Glauben. [I:Wie hat sich dieses Emotionale dargestellt?] Durch Äußerlichkeiten. Zum Beispieldurch Gestaltung der Gottesdienste, der Lieder, die auf mich sehr emotional ge-wirkt haben. […] Aber ich eben hinterher dann doch sehr viel nüchterner gewordenbin durch persönliche Lebenserfahrungen. […] Und dann eben natürlich in der Be-gegnung mit Menschen in besonders schwierigen Lebenssituationen, sei es, dasssie psychisch krank waren, sei es, dass sie materiell sehr schlecht dran waren, ge-sundheitlich sehr angeschlagen und hier eben auch, wie ich eben schon sagte, imBereich der Altenhilfe in Sterbeprozessen […], die ich begleitet habe, dass mir daseben auch in meinem christlichen Glauben geholfen hat und eine Veränderung daauch stattfand. Also ich will nicht sagen „fundamentalistisch“, aber irgendwie docheine sehr reale Beziehung zumeinem christlichen Glauben gefunden habe.55 Natürlich gibt es im Leben eines jeden Christen auch Phasen, wo man in großeZweifel gerät, ist das wirklich so, oder gebe ichmich nicht einer Illusion hin, die ichals sehrwohltuendempfinde,aberdiegarnicht reell ist?Und ichhabeabergemerkt,dass mein Glaube eben durchaus reell ist und sich auf Dinge stützt oder gründet,die tatsächlich existent sind. […]Wennmandie Bibel liest, dann kriegtmanmanch-mal die Krise, wo man sagt: „Also, das kann ja gar nicht so gewesen sein!“ Ist oftauch gar nicht so gewesen, sondern das sind Umschreibungen von Glaubenserfah-rungen, die die Menschen gemacht haben. […] Und so ist das eben auch bei mir inmeinemGlaubensleben,dass ich immerwiederDingeneubewertenmussundauchErlebnisse, die ich gehabt habe, neu reflektierenmuss. [I:Was bedeutet es heute fürSie, also Ihr Weltbild oder das Bild von Gott?] Es bedeutet für mich heute, dass ichimBlick auf die wirklich zuDepression führende Situation in derWelt, dass ich dieertragen kann.Weil ichmir sage, das ist ja nicht das Letzte.Und auchmein eigenesLeben, ich bin also nun schonüber 80,und ichweiß,dassmir nichtmehr viele Jahregegeben werden, aber dass ich eben den Blick nach vorne habe und an die ZukunftGottes glaube und weiß, wenn ich sterbe, der Tod ist nicht das Letzte.56 In [Land Y in Afrika], wo man bar aller technischen Hilfen war, völlig auf sich ein-gestellt. Wir lebten in einem Hospital mit 130 psychisch kranken Menschen. Wirhatten keinen Arzt, ich bin nicht Arzt, ich bin nur Krankenpfleger, und wir warenvon der Infrastruktur völlig abgeschlossen und mussten mit den Situationen fer-tig werden, die dort geschahen. […] Dadurch, dass ich ein Auto hatte, musste ichdie Menschen ins Krankenhaus bringen. […] Wo ich steckenblieb mit meinem Au-to im Schlamm der unbefestigten Straße in der Regenzeit […], meine Frau obenmit den Kindern allein im Hospital war und so, und es wurde Nacht und damals7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 195gab es noch keine Handys, noch keine Telekommunikationsmöglichkeiten und ichwirklich manchmal dachte: „Wie komme ich jetzt hier durch?“ Straßen blockiertwaren durch umgefallene Bäume im Urwald, durch Bäche, die plötzlich zu reißen-den Strömenwurden undüber die Straße rübergingen unddenBodenweggerissenhatten und ich irgendwie durchkommen musste. Und da habe ich wirklich gesagt:„Gott, ichhabe jetzt diese Situation, ich kann jetzt alleinedamit nicht zurandekom-men. Jetztmusst dumir helfen.“Undeshat dannauch immergeklappt.Und ichmirdann auch sagte, das ist nicht irgendwie Glück oder da hat also (lacht) wer Schweingehabt hat oder sonst etwas, sondern das ist wirklich eine ganz konkrete Hilfe, dieich erfahren habe in einer Situation, wo ich mir nicht mehr helfen konnte.57 ZumBeispiel damals die Entscheidung, ob ich Diakonwerden sollte oder nicht. Ichsagte ja schon, ich hatte überhaupt keine Lust Diakon zu werden und mein Lebenmit krankenMenschen zu fristen, und ich war da in eine ganz große Konfliktsitua-tion hineingeraten, weil ich auf der einen Seite spürte, das ist aber eigentlich deinWeg,den solltest du gehen.Auf der anderenSeitewollte ich in dieweiteWelt,wollteals Kaufmann meine Karriere machen. […] [Dann] kriegte ich einen Brief, von derMission hier aus [Stadtteil X], diemich fragten, ob ich bereit wäre […] nach [Land inAfrika Y] zu gehen. […] Und natürlich war ich bereit, nur ich wusste, ichmuss nochmal untersucht werden und da hab ich gesagt: „Gott, wenn du möchtest, dass ichin die Diakonie gehe, und du weißt, dass ich das nicht gerne tue, dann kannst dudie Möglichkeit schaffen, dass ich das Tropenzeugnis kriege, und dann, wenn dasso ist,werde ich also nichtsmehr dagegen einwenden, […].“ […] Ichwurde also auchuntersucht und der Arzt sagte: „Es bestehen überhaupt keine Bedenken, Sie nachAfrika zu schicken.“ […] Und dawurdemir eben einfach klar, Gott kannmein Lebenlenken und leiten und es geht nicht über meine Bedürfnisse und meine Möglich-keiten hinweg, sondern er hilft mir auch, dass ich denWeg gehen kann, den er fürmich ausgesucht hat.58 Das eine war mein Lehrmeister. Ich habe eine kaufmännische Lehre gemacht in[Stadtteil X]. Und da war ein Diakon, mein Chef, der mich in meinem Selbstver-trauen sehr gefördert und sehr geholfen hat. Ich hatte eine miserable Schulzeit,eben durch die Kriegszeit. […] Wir hatten nach dem Kriege Klassen, mit über 70Kindern in einem Klassenraum. […] Und die Kriegszeit [hat] mich psychisch ebenauch, imNachhinein habe ich das erst erkannt, sehr negativ beeinträchtigt. Ich ha-be viel, viel Ängste gehabt. […] Und mein Vater hat mir damals gesagt: „Junge, ichnehme dich jetzt aus der Schule raus. […] Mach eine kaufmännische Lehre jetzt.“[…] Und das habe ich dann gemacht. Und mein Chef, da habe ich zum ersten Malgespürt, da nimmtmich einer ernst. […] Und dann hat er mir gesagt, am Abschlussmeiner Ausbildung: „Herr [Nachname A], wenn Sie fertig sind, kommen Sie zu unsund werden Sie Diakon.Wir brauchen Sie.“59 Und wenn ich sage, ich bin Christ, dann lebe ich nicht auf einer Insel der Glückse-ligen, wo ich abgeschirmt von all diesen Problemen. […] Auch gerade […] im Alten-heimbereich. Wir haben manchmal bis zu 30 Sterbefälle im Haus gehabt. Und ichhatte zu denBewohnernnie einfach so einVerhältnis, alswäre ich hier der Boss, deralles bestimmt. Sondern ich habe versucht, alsMensch unterMenschen, als Bruderunter Brüdern und Schwestern zu leben. Und sie auch das spüren zu lassen. Auch196 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesmeinen Mitarbeitern gegenüber, […] da habe ich versucht, mich einzureihen, abernicht über ihnen zu schweben.Und, ja, daswar schonwichtig, auch gerade imBlickauf meinen christlichen Glauben.60 Der Sinn meines Lebens besteht darin, dass ich einmal erkannt habe, dass Gott alsSchöpfer desHimmels und der Erde, und eben auch alsmein Schöpfer,mich kennt,vonmirweiß, und ermir einen bestimmten Auftrag inmeinemLeben gegeben hat,nämlich anderen Menschen zu helfen, beizustehen, […]. Gerade in der Art, wennman die Welt als Gesamtheit sieht in ihrem sehr chaotischen Zustand mit ihrenKriegen und all den Dingen, da zu sein für andere, die ein besonderes Problem ha-ben, und mit den Dingen, die mir gegeben sind ihnen zu helfen, mit meiner Kraft,mit meinen Händen, meinen Füßen, auch mit meinem Geld und mit meiner Zeit,die mir zur Verfügung gestellt ist, also sie nicht für mich allein zu benutzen, son-dern auch für andere auchmit einzusetzen.61 Mein persönliches Leben hat einen Sinn und diesen Sinn sehe ich darin, dass ichanderenMenschen geholfen habe und helfen kann, auch heute noch. Also, dass ichnicht für mich alleine in dieser Welt bin, sondern dass ich auch für andere da bin.UnddieseErkenntnis,die ja imLaufeder JahrzehntemeinesLebensdannebenauchgewachsen ist und stabilisiert wurde, spielt eine ganz wichtige Rolle. […] Nun kannman das natürlich als Helfersyndrom oder sowas bezeichnen, aber ich finde, es isteinfach wichtig in dermenschlichen Gesellschaft.Wasmich furchtbar stört, ist derEgoismus, den man an vielen Stellen erlebt. Wo Menschen also nur ihren kleinenLebensraum sehen und nicht die Probleme, die andere Menschen rundherum ha-ben.Und ich sage: „[…] Ich habe so viel inmeinemLeben empfangen,dass ich davoneben auch weitergebenmöchte.“ Und das gibt meinem Leben wirklich einen Sinn.62 Meinem Leben gibt Sinn, dass ich für andere da bin. Ja, das kann ich nicht anderssagen.Ohnedass ichmich allerdings verbiege und sage: „Also alles für den anderen,aber nichts fürmich,“ ja. Es gibt ein schönesWort in der Bibel,wo Jesus sagt: „Liebedeinen Nächsten wie dich selbst.“ Und das hat für mich auch eine ganz große Rollegespielt. Auch ich habe das Anrecht, mich auszuruhen, auch mein Leben schön zugestalten. Aber ich habe auch die Aufgabe, anderen Leuten zu helfen, dass sie lebenkönnen und ihr Leben schön gestalten können.63 Interestingly, even though it can be presumed Richard belongs to the Protestantchurch, he, like his wife, only ever talks about Christian faith.64 Beziehungen zu anderen Menschen, auch gerade zu den Afrikanern in Afrika. [Esistmir] überhaupt nicht schwergefallen,mich da einzugliedern, einer von ihnen zusein undnicht ein europäischer Boss […] [undmirwurde klar]: „Pass auf,dass du alsEuropäer nicht meinst, du bist der super potente Mensch und die anderen könnengar nichts.“Undda habe ich ebendanndiese Erfahrung gemacht, dass ichmitMen-schenzusammen,Afrikanernzusammenwar,diemir teilweisehaushochüberlegenwaren in ihren Fähigkeiten und auch in ihrer Bildung. Dasmussman aber erst malerkennen und dass man da nicht also sich wie ein Tölpel dann benimmt.65 Ich muss mich nicht jetzt ständig fragen, tue ich jetzt Gottes Wille, sondern ichmuss einfach das Naheliegende tun, mich um die Menschen kümmern, und dar-in hab ich dann eben auch Gottes Willen erkannt. Und das hat mich dann ebenauch in den Gesprächen mit meinem Mann dann immer wieder gestärkt, dass ich7. Renate and Richard—A Life Lived for the Welfare of Others? 197nichtmich jetzt selbst zerfleischenmuss, in Fragen,obmandadasRichtige tut odernicht.66 Wir beten,meine Frauund ich, zusammen. Ich aber auch alleine. […] Also das Betenspielt für uns eine ganz große Rolle. Und eine sehr wichtige und elementare Rollein unserem christlichen Glauben.67 Ja. Ähm, einmal, dass meine Frau und ich jeden Morgen und jeden Abend eine An-dacht halten und dann lesen wir ein Bibelwort oder einen Abschnitt aus der Bibel.Und dann gibt es dann Auslegungen dazu, die wir dann lesen. Und dass wir beten,morgens und abends.68 Jetzt ist es im Alter eben so, dass wir uns überlegen müssen, wie geht es weiter,wenn wir gesundheitlich nicht mehr so selbständig sind und fit sind und welcheEntscheidunghabenwir jetzt zu treffen?Unddas überlegenmeine Frauund ichunsgemeinsamund treffen dann die Entscheidung. [I:Wenn Sie ein besonders schwie-riges Lebensproblem lösen müssen, an wem oder woran würden Sie sich orientie-ren?] Also ich würde zumindest an meiner Frau mich orientieren. Wir hatten jetztzum Beispiel die Frage, was wird, wenn wir dieseWohnung hier nicht mehr haltenkönnen; wenn einer von uns pflegebedürftig wird.Wasmachenwir dann? Dass wirdiese Entscheidung zusammen getroffen haben und da auch jetzt also mutig draufzugehen. Ja, also wie gesagt, da bin ich mit meiner Frau sehr eins, dass wir das zu-sammen dann eben auchmachen.69 Dann spreche ich mit meinem Mann darüber. Meistens (lachend) entscheiden wirdas zusammen. [I: Können Siemir ein Beispiel nennen?] Also ich habe ja zumGlücknochmeinenMann,meinMann ist ja ein bisschen älter als ich und von daher kannichmichda ein bisschen an ihmorientieren.Das sindmanchmal soDinge,die kannich nicht alleine lösen. Das bespreche ichmit meinemMann. […]Wie das zum Bei-spiel auch in der Zukunft ist mit unserem Alter, wie wir das haben wollen. Das wa-ren jetzt auch so Dinge, die jetzt so in den letzten Zeiten jetzt auch, wo man sichGedanken macht, weil wir ja aus der Altenarbeit kommen. Und dass man überlegt:Wie wollen wir das haben? Auch mit der Beerdigung, mit den Lösungen, wie, wowollen wir leben? […] Und das haben wir aber gemeinsam überlegt und Plus undMinus abgewogen.8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth“My prayers really went unheard. And sincethen, I’m finished with this good God. Thispain that He put me through, it’s been17 years, I hold that against Him. I think,when two people really love each other,to tear them apart by death, I will neverforgive You that.”1Carola2 is a woman from Germany who was born shortly after the Second World War,experiencing the post-war era as a child. At her first interview in 2004, she was 56 yearsold, and she still worked as a teacher. By the time of her second interview in 2013 whenshe was 65 years old, she had retired. In 2018, at the time of her third interview, she was70 years old. Being born into a Protestant family, she left the church when she was inher early twenties; however, she seems to have preserved a belief in God for years afterthat.Shewasmarried andhas two adult children and a couple of grandchildrenwhogainimportance in the course of her interviews. One of the main complications in her life isthe death of her partner who died two years before the first interview.Thus, coping withthe death of loved ones is one of her leitmotifs. Another leitmotif could be the struggleshe has with care-takers and authorities, especially with her mother and with God.From Carola’s interviews, one can learn how people reconstruct their own identityand build their own theories about themselves along with how controversial discussionsin society are taken up and used in autobiographical reasoning and narrating. Carolatalks very openly and explicitly about difficult events in her past and gives extensiveaccounts regarding her subsequently developed worldview through not only strugglingwith her past but also with present developments in society which she perceives asthreatening. The chapter will show how these different topics of her life relate to eachother.8.1.1 Carola’s Life Reviews—Struggling with Losses and DeprivationCarola structures her life review answers according to major events in her life, but alsooriented toward classic milestones. Her time 1 answer reads as follows:200 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesYes, I think there are these, I would say common chapters, there is the childhood,then the adolescent phase of development, leaving school, the step into an inde-pendent life, starting a family, yes, living for the family basically, raising the chil-dren, that was one life chapter. And then the relationship with my partner andthose are the 13 years that were essential for me. And another turning point afterhis death, those past three years, that is also a life chapter where my life proceededdifferently than before. [I: If your life were a book, how would you name the differ-ent chapters?] Childhood, the loss of childhood, being an adult and responsible forothers, children, […] I may even insert sub-chapters here (laughs). On the one handworrying about the children, that was not easy. […] And then on the other handthere’s also the joy with the children, their development, the positive development;that would be the chapter “children.” And then, I think, my marriage plays a role aswell. A marriage that you commit to because you expect it to last a lifetime, thenthe disillusionment that you were simply wrong. Then my other life partnership,and then the chapter “illness, dying, death” and then the chapter “mourning,” thosewould be the chapters of my life. [I: What marker events stand out as particularmeaningful to you?] My father’s death, the birth of my children, the divorce, andthe death of my partner, yes.3 (Carola, FDI, time 1)Calling the chapters “common,” she structures her life in a rather conventional way, try-ing to find balance betweenwhat society expects of her andwhat she wants from her lifeherself.Notably, shenamesmost of the chapters in anegativemanner (e.g.,“loss of child-hood”), indicating that these periods have all been accompanied by concerns and anxi-ety. It becomes clear that the raising of her children plays a very important part in her lifenarrative.Her twomain relationships, the onewith her ex-husband and the onewith thepartner who died of cancer, are milestones for her as well and point to the two extremesshe has experienced regarding long-term relationships. Furthermore, it is interestingthat she refers exclusively to her immediate family and loved ones when structuring herlife story.Her answer is relatively short and precise, with little emotional evaluation andpersonal involvement.Her answer in her second interview is more comprehensive and is presented here inabridged form:Yes, I can structure my life clearly. There is the first phase, the childhood, when youlive your life naively and let yourself be guided and have faith in the people closestto you, like parents or siblings. Then, when you are released into life a bit, that wasmy second chapter. I had to go from a rural area to [city A] to go to high school; Iwas ten at the time. Pretty young and had to manage long distances all by myself.[…] And then there was the school that you had to go through and the experiencesyou make with people […]. And that was a chapter that was influential for me,the experiences with teachers, how much teachers influence your life, especiallyyour self-confidence, or rather how they undermine your self-confidence. And aftergraduating I studied to be a teacher. I worked as a teacher till I was 57, and ingeneral I liked that. In the meantime—that was my professional career track—inthe meantime, I have to say, there were turning points in the private area. That waswhen I married and had children. The chapter after that was my divorce and—howdo I put it? —bringing up my children until they could stand on their own feet.8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 201Those were very hard times. Then the experience with my partner who got cancerand we had a long time of fighting for his life and he finally died nevertheless andthat was a real disruption in my life. Going back in time a bit the first profounddisruption in my life was my father’s death when I was 20. And then, at the age of52, I had to endure the death of my beloved partner and that was a severe personaldrama and the time of mourning lasted for a long time. In terms of time, thosewere eight years and then (half laughing, half emotional) an old friend came intomy life. That is also a turning point after those years of mourning. And I’ve beenin a happy relationship with this friend for four years now. So, these are my lifechapters.4 (Carola, FDI, time 2)The chapters of her life are elaborated in more detail and contain more personal evalua-tion. Growing up is described as being shoved into the big, cold world, and she puts a lotof emphasis on the fact that she had to be autonomous, not by choice but because it wasexpected of her. This serves as an autobiographical argument, since those experiencesare marked as formative. Most of the people she names are described as obstacles thatshe had to overcome, which is consonant with her later elaborations. Her partner has apositive influence; however, this relationship is put to a hard test by the cancer diagno-sis and the slow and painful death, which indicates that good things are likely to take aturn to the worse. This points to a structure of contamination stories (McAdams, 1993).In the end, it seems that with her new relationship, which is a new chapter that had notexisted at time 1, she has turned her story into a redemption story again.The motive ofredemption is even stronger in her third interview:That’s interesting because I did write a book once (laughs). […] Then I would roughlysay, kindergarten, which you usually only have scarce memories of, school, gradu-ation. And that was a caesura. Erm… school was really stressful, at my time, youknow. The teachers were different, and it was a time of suffering. Because teachersweren’t pedagogues back then, but they would pummel knowledge into pupils, likethat. […] Then I studied, and I became a teacher myself. That was really fulfilling,I must say, because I always had nice children, I have to say that. Then anothercaesura… my divorce. Then, the relationship with my new life partner who wouldlater fall ill with cancer. And who died, after his first surgery, six years later. Andthat was a really important time in my life. The relationship with him lasted for 13years, the time of suffering for six years. He died, and in the time after his death, Itried to cope with this very personal drama of farewell and death. […] Then I reallytried, successively, to describe this development from the diagnosis to his death, inchapters. I believe it’s about 200 pages, and I had it printed. […] And when I heldit in my hands, it was good for me and I thought, well, and now you’ve got thismemory secured. It cannot be taken away anymore. And when I notice the memoryfading, then I can go back and read how it was back then. […] In the meantime, Igot grandchildren and they cushioned the mourning a bit. And then a man stepped(smiles) into my life whom I have known for 50 years. I met him, 50 years ago, in[city A] when I was 19. […] And he found me on the internet nine years ago. Andwe’ve been together since then […]. So, these are the rough divisions of my life.5(Carola, FDI, time 3)202 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThe first part of this answer contains a turning point which is named explicitly: gradu-ating from school and being free from the capriciousness of her teachers. Less explicitis the “lessons learned” argument, which is made clearer in her second interview. Be-coming a teacher herself is a means to try and make it better, and might even remindof post-traumatic growth given the vocabulary used (time of suffering). This motif canalso be found when she talks about how she coped with the death of her life partner. Bywriting down all her memories and feelings and by getting the book printed, she givesthe impression of having a straightforward way of dealing with matters like these. Thisis more explicit than in her second interview, which might be attributed to a more ad-vanced status of coping.Her current relationship is described inmore detail in her thirdinterview (though these details have been omittedhere for anonymity reasons), stressingthe emphasis she has on the redemptive character of her life story.Comparing her answers, it becomes clear that she has chosen a different path for herstory at time 2. She creates the image of a woman who had to endure unfair treatmentat multiple points in her life but was lucky enough to become happy again, which is aredemptionplot thatwasnot thereat time 1. Interesting tonote is thatherpart in that lastchapter is depicted as rather passive, since it is literally themanwho “came into her life.”Overall it seems that good as well as bad things “happen to her.” Her narrative identityseems to bemore self-empowered at time 3, and, she is less investedwith the adversitiesthat thread her life in this answer.Carola’s Relationship with her MotherWhile her family of origin is only mentioned in passing during these first outlines, itbecomes clear in all of her interviews that the relationship with hermother is one that isconstituent for the person Carola is nowadays. Her father is described in a very positiveway; however, he died when Carola was 20, which makes the complicated relationshipwith her mother get a different drive. At time 1, Carola describes her mother as follows:My mother is the kind of person whom you want to be loved by. And as a child youjust love your parents and your mother as well and my mother spread that [love]unevenly, not only in my perception, but also in my brothers’ perception it is rootedthat basically my mother only liked boys and not girls. So that’s why I always feltdisadvantaged, regarding her love, but like I said, as a child, you love your motherand try to get your mother’s love and I think I never succeeded in that.6 (Carola,FDI, time 1)The first sentence generalizes her own wish to be loved by her mother, making her ownambivalent behavior less open to judgment. By stating that “as a child you just love yourparents,” she refers to a normality that she did not deviate from. Instead, her motheris the one who did not behave in a conventional fashion by spreading her love unevenlyamong her children and discriminating against her daughter because she obviously hadthe less-preferred gender. Therefore, her attempts were bound to be futile, not by herown fault but by something that could not have been changed by her own will. In termsof the attachment theory, her attachment style could best be described as dismissive-avoidant or ambivalent since she seems tohold anegativedisposition towardhermother,8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 203while at the same time shows strong counter-dependency and ambivalent behavior (cf.Bartholomew&Horowitz, 1991).This becomesmanifest in her actions after the death ofher father when she feels compelled to support her mother:As my mother became older, she found me pretty useful for stuff that had to bedone. I was there a lot for my mother, after my father’s death […] I went back homeand shared the marital bed with my mother for three years because I couldn’t andwouldn’t leave her alone. But then I cut the cord again and still was there a lotfor my mother, kept her company and cared for her and so on, but this did notlead to me feeling loved and accepted by her. […] Instead, I was showered withreproaches. And yes, it was awful, and at one point, when I was about 40 I guess, Imade a clear cut and terminated the contact with my mother rigorously. That maybe incomprehensible for a lot of people, but I had reached a point where it waslike, either she survives or I […] and I must say, from then on, I felt pretty fine.7(Carola, FDI, time 1)Still struggling tomeet hermother’s expectations, Carolamoves in with her after her fa-ther’s death, even going so far as to sleep in the same bed and care for her. Her motherdoes not appreciate those effortswhich leads toCarola terminating the relationship alto-gether in the endas apossible act of liberation,however, fromCarola’s account it doesnotseemas if she is truly free of these bonds, even thoughhermother has beendead for yearsby the time of the relevant interview. Instead, she still seems to bear the grudge againsther.This is an interesting contrast to Renate (see chapter 7.1.1), who was in a similar sit-uation, yet in the end, she and her mother resolved this differently (see chapter 11 for amore detailed comparison). Carola describes a great distance between herself and hermother on a surface level, but her argumentation suggests that the feeling of deprivedlove still bothers her.Unsurprisingly, the story is told again at time 2:And after my father died, I moved back in with my mother. All brothers had movedout already, I moved into the parental bedroom, into my father’s bed. [I: (skepti-cal?) Hmm.] Well, there’s the look of surprise! [I: (laughs) Yes.] Today, I can’t fathomthat anymore as well, […]. I did that because I felt sorry for her. […] The day aftermy father died, she wanted to hug me, which felt very awkward, and she told me:“You’re all I’ve left now.” and I was like: “Oh. Really?” […] For two years. Then I re-luctantly decided to find myself an own flat […] and that was really, really difficultto get that across to her.8 (Carola, FDI, time 2)In contrast to the situation narrated at time 1, Carola refers to another detail.Her broth-ers, like herself, all havemoved out already, but as the only daughter, she feels compelledtomoveback inwith hermother.The short interactionwith the interviewer suggests thatshe cherishes the moment of shock she is able to elicit with the detail that she shared abed with her mother for three years. However, the passage sums up Carola’s inner tur-moil: She feels repulsed by her mother, but she also feels the obligation to help her whenshe is mourning. Underlying this tension may have been Carola’s yearning to finally getthe love she had wished for all her life. In retrospect, she seems bitter, and the implicit204 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesevaluation is that her efforts were not successful and hermother was ungrateful and notdeserving of her support. In an attempt at a more abstract evaluation subsequent to heraccount of their last phone call, she tells how she dealt with her mother’s death:Then I started thinking deeply, years after that, and thought, “Did you do her in-justice?” Because I believe everybody weaves their own truth. Like, this subjectiveperception which is so far from the objective truth sometimes, I really questionedmyself. […] And then I talked with other relatives, also with my brothers who rein-forced me in my perception and then I thought, “Yes. I should not be sorry to havesevered ties with my mother. And I am not sorry and for me, it was the right stepand the right decision.” And I don’t want to hear anybody say, “Oh, but it was yourmother.” No. She tortured me too much. […] It’s awful to say that, but why shouldI beat around the bush? […] And even today, I’m still not sorry. (close to tears) Andwhen I go to the cemetery, I put flowers on my father’s side of the grave, on hisdeath anniversary, his birthday and so on, he will always get flowers. My mothernever gets any. That serves her right.9 (Carola, FDI, time 2)In the first part of this quote, Carola presents herself as a reflective person who is awarethat her own perspective is not objective. Therefore, she addresses other people in herfamily to calibrate her perception.These “outsiders” in this account serve as authoritieswho support Carola’s perception, giving more credibility to her own account. In a ficti-tious dialog, she rejects accusations shemay have been facedwith in real life by pointingout howmuch she actually suffered under hermother and howmuch she is traumatized.Her way of coping with these formative experiences is to make the adversities explicit,to not “beat around the bush,” which has obviously been perceived as disrespectful byher surroundings sometimes.However reflective shemight present herself, the last partof the quote shows how immersed she still is in this unhealthy relationship. Being closeto tears, she admits to not taking care of her mother’s grave, which is a conscious deci-sion not to bring flowers on anniversaries, as if she means to punish her deadmother: apassive-aggressive act that contradicts her former reflective statements.When she speaks about her mother at time 3, she starts with the following descrip-tion:An important person in my life was my mother. My mother had me when she was40, which was very old in those days. Nowadays a 40-year-old who has a child isconsidered young. […] While my mother for me back then […] simply was an oldwoman, just going by the looks. Because you did not usually wear juvenile clothesback then. Erm, it was all just womanly and sedate and, ah, holier-than-thou andall this.10 (Carola, FDI, time 3)In this quote, Carola presents herself in contrast to hermother.Hermother is describedas elderly and old-fashioned, implying that Carola herself is none of this. This way ofcreating her narrative identity is very typical for Carola’s time 3 interview. By portrayingothers in a disrespectful fashion, oftenwith reference to their unfavorable outer appear-ance, she creates distance and emphasizes the unpleasant traits those persons have andimplicitly states howmuch shedeviates fromthose.Her biaseddescriptions areprobably8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 205meant to serve the purpose of interacting with the young interviewer whom she eitherwants to impress in her favor or provoke. Having introduced her mother like this, thenarrative of how she moved back in with her after her father’s death is told again withsome new details, introduced by an account of how she tried to become more indepen-dent when she started her studies:So, and then I wanted to have my freedom, have a flat together with my friend and[my mother] absolutely did not want that. I did it anyway. […] My father secretlygave me money, so that I could survive. I had nothing. […] Well, and one day wecame home from university, and I had a note on my door to call home. And then mybrother told me that my father had died. Heart attack, in the car, dead. Yes, thatwas the first really dramatic incision in my life. […] And, I didn’t have any money andI moved back in with my mother. Into, please don’t laugh at me now, my father’sbed with my mother, the marital bed. Because I felt sorry for my mother who wasnot able to exist on her own without my father, as it was the case with women backthen, […] she stopped working when she got married, the way it used to be. […]So, she was financially dependent on my father. And now he was dead. My mothermanaged the household […], but other than that, she was clueless. And because Iknew that, I felt sympathetic and moved in with her. It was awful for me, reallyhorrible. […] To put it into one sentence, I had the feeling back then already thatI’m sacrificing my young life to my mother. When I had finished my studies andearned money, I gathered courage and rented a small apartment in [city A] andtold her indirectly that I would move out. That can’t have been easy for her, butI […] visited her every day. And she would cook for me and do my washing, keptme in dependency, you know. I mean, it was comfortable, but she felt like she wasdoing me a big favor and, erm… yes, kept me in dependency by that.11 (Carola, FDI,time 3)Theway she tells her story makes it clear that it is meant to come across as a contamina-tion story.Nomatter howmuch she struggles to free herself from hermother, she is stillpulled back intodependency. It is interesting tonote that her argumentation and thewayshe builds the story has changed considerably in the meantime. Her financial situationhas not beenmentioned in her other interviews, while now it is named as an additional,and comparably objective, argument for why her father’s death hit her so hard and whyshe was subsequently forced to live with her mother. The inevitability of this action isclearer here than in her other interviews. While the overall evaluation stays the same,we hear a line of argumentation that is new in the middle section. Carola now speaks ofa “bigger picture,” and she is able to put what her mother went through into a societalperspective, acknowledging that her mother acted within the realms that were offeredto women at that time by giving up her work after she got married before and/or dur-ing the 2ndWorldWar.This kind of evaluation was not found in the other interviews andhints to an attempt at showing more understanding for her mother but not succeedingin stepping out of this mother-daughter dyad completely, as can be also seen when shetalks about her parents’ graves again:206 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAnd when I go to the cemetery, I basically only take care of my father’s grave,(smiles) just so. I feel like I’m doing it for him. And my mother does not have a rolein this. I bring him fresh flowers on his death anniversary, on his birthday. And formy mother—I’m just not doing this. Sometimes I wonder, I even don’t rememberwhen she died (smiles). That’s how it is, just like that. Yes, well, I say it as it is,admit it openly. That’s how it is. Should I lie about it? Nope.12 (Carola, FDI, time 3)The statement is still defensive, especially given the variations of ascertaining herself atthe end of the quote.However, the rejection to take care of hermother’s grave has lost itssharp edge a bit. Instead, she tries to appear more neutral and indifferent toward her.Summed up,we see Carola’s life reviews taking amore positive stance over the years.The adversities and hardships of her life still take up space, but the bitterness that isprominent in her first two interviews seems softened at time 3.Thismight be attributedto the stable relationship she has had for the past years and also to the good relationshipshe claims to have with her children and grandchildren.However, there still seems to bea lot of investment with lost relationships both with her former life partner andwith hermother. Andwhile copingwith the death of her life partner in a seemingly adequateway,she is still found to be tiedwithin the unhealthy relationshipwith hermother.Connectedto both of these relationships, yet on very different levels, she describes her relationshipwith God. Carola was interviewed as a deconvert, having left the Protestant church inher early 20s, although not completely shedding her belief in God after that. However,the death of her beloved partner turned out to be a turning point in this regard.The nextparagraph will detail how this has affected her religiosity over the years.8.1.2 Carola’s Subjective Religiosity—Being at Odds with GodCarola’s Relationship with GodGiven that her image of God and especially her struggle in the relationship with himseems to be in some ways comparable to the struggles with her mother, I will first lookinto how her image of God has changed over the years:When you’re in an emergency situation, […] the childlike image of God comes tothe foreground again, because I believe, when you pray, you have this hierarchy,this fatherly power, and I’m kind of helpless, powerless. […] And I remember whenmy partner fell so ill, that the prayers I prayed were basically very childlike again.[I: Can you say what God means for you today?] Well, He’s going to be furious whenI tell Him what I think of Him. I don’t understand His logic. I know, we are humansand are not supposed to understand it. […] For example, the suffering in this world,these wars, this butchering, […], why, why, why does it have to be like that? I can’tunderstand it. […] Or, like, old people who want to die and can’t and children aresnatched away from their parents.13 (Carola, FDI, time 1)As a child, you somehow believe in this good God as it is taught, and you areso trusting and don’t question anything. Then I experienced the first rift when Iwas confirmed, or rather when I had confirmation classes. [see Carola’s Narrative:“Confirmation Class II” below] Then I formally left the church when I was in my 20s,and I did that with all consequences, but I have to admit: There were feelings of…8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 207like a net has been torn apart. Which I perhaps did have after all, without admittingit. And it took a while, and I thought, “Now you’re rootless.” […] And I also thought,in order to believe in something or in a God, I don’t need the church. I believed ina God and prayed as well, I admit that. Then, I have to say, there was this severerift in my life, I really prayed for my partner’s life when he had his surgeries. Like,really desperately praying for his life and still he was taken from under my hands.That’s how I experienced it. I found this so unfair […] and then I cut off contactwith God or some other power and since then I have not prayed anymore. I stillhold that against Him—if He does exist. I can’t get my act together. And so myattitude, to live without any God, has become stronger in my life. Even though Ihave to admit, what I could not abandon completely, and maybe I don’t even wantto do that, is believing that there might be something between heaven and earth.14(Carola, FDI, time 2)[starts with Carola's Narrative: "Confirmation Class III"; see below] So, this was aheavy burden, and I was relieved when it was over. After that, I never stepped into achurch again, for me that was a fact, I couldn’t bear it anymore. But I don’t mean tosay that I lost my belief in God, like, this childlike, naïve belief that one has. But inmy 20s, (smiles) I formally left the church because I told myself: church and beliefare not in any way connected. I can believe without the church. […] Then, I have tosay, I’m coming back to my partner’s illness. I struggled hard with God, in WhomI still believed at that time. Because I had believed, or we both had believed, tohave found the one big love of our lives. […] And now this cancer diagnosis, whichgave me doubts, you know, I mean, after the disaster with my marriage, to finda person with whom everything is fine and who was then to be taken from me.[…] Back then, I still used to pray. […] I thought, by praying I could… because thegood God cannot be that evil. If I pray that intensely, He cannot do this to me andtake this man away from me. But take away this man He did, […] and my prayersreally went unheard. And since then, I’m finished with this good God. This painthat He put me through, it’s been 17 years, I hold that against Him. I think, whentwo people really love each other, to tear them apart by death, I will never forgiveYou that. So, this is my relationship with the good God. I broke contact with Himlike I did with my mother. […] Yes, I have to live with that, even though sometimes Icannot completely reject the notion that there may be something between Heavenand Earth. I would say, there is still this little corner inside my head, which I haveto acknowledge, that there might be something more.15 (Carola, FDI, time 3)At all timepoints, Carola mentions the childlike faith in God she used to have at earlierin her life. At time 1, praying for her is associated with a sort of naiveté, surrenderingto God, and hoping for his support. The disappointment that she felt when prayer didnot save her beloved partner is very palpable in her answer. The anger she holds seemsto be on a very personal level, and God is spoken of as a person who would be unpleasedto learn that Carola questions his decisions and his logic.This is a concrete image, eventhough she pursues these thoughts further on amore abstract level by admitting that sheis not supposed to understand this (her wording implying criticism and distance towardthis statement), and findingmore general examples for God’s incomprehensible actionsthrough a human’s perspective.208 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAt time 2, she also reminisces about her former childlike belief.Her experiences dur-ing confirmation class are named as the reason for the first rift with the church. Theseexperiences appear indifferent forms in all of her interviewsandwill be lookedat inmoredetail below.The feeling of being deprived of (her) roots is named here directly, howeverending with the realization that she can still believe in God without the church, whichindicates a path of individuation that was pursued for a while.The time of her partner’sdeath plays a crucial role for her, and her futile attempts at praying for his life is elabo-rated on more intensely here than at time 1, which supports the motif “emotional suf-fering” (which is one of the deconversion criteria described by Streib et al., 2009) as hermain reason for turning away from God. Even more strongly than at time 1, the discon-tinuation of contact is portrayed as a personal feud in which is neither able nor willingto make the first step for a possible reconciliation. Interestingly, a reconciliation seemsto be at least something she thinks about,whichwas not the case at time 1.This notion issupported by the last sentence of this quote in which she allows the thought of a possibleafterlife and an undefined higher power.At time 3,Carola startswith an account fromher confirmation class again.Her beliefin God, even following the formal termination of her church membership, is describedas naïve and childlike again and marked as normal (“the childlike, naïve belief that onehas”).This time, the situation with her partner and the emotions associated with this re-lationship (referencing to previous suffering in her marriage) take up more space thanin the other interviews and serve the purpose of underlining the appropriateness of herreaction and the termination of contact with God. Most interesting in this paragraph isthat Carola directly compares the termination of the relationship with God to that withher mother.This emphasizes the observation from the other two timepoints that the re-lationshipwith God is experienced as a personal one.God is not an abstract higher beingbut a caregiver that disappointed and abandoned Carola in times of need. However, shestill holds to that rather abstract belief that there might be something after death.This analysis has shown how Carola equates different types of relationships. Beingabandoned and exploited by her mother is portrayed in a similar fashion as being aban-doned and disappointed by God.The relationship to God is present at all timepoints andis described as a “bad” relationship. Even though she claims to be neither religious norspiritual at waves 2 and 3 as shown in the table below, there is a lingering belief in some-thing higher, which is closely connected to the question of what comes after death. Herbelief in God and the question of whether he does exist takes up considerable space inher thoughts during these interviews. As an addendum to those findings from her in-terviews, a look into her answers on the God Representation Scale at time 3 reveals thather image of God ismore authoritarian and ineffable and is concurrently less benevolentcompared to the whole sample.Carola’s Subjective ReligiosityTurning nowmore directly to the data on her subjective religiosity, one can see how sheanswers when directly asked for a statement regarding her self-assessment.8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 209Table22:DataonCarola’sSubjectiveReligiosityCarolawave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:Theremaybesomethingbetweenheavenandearth16spirituality:Ineverreallycomprehended,unfor-tunately,whatexactlyspiritualitymeans.17freeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:Indoctrination18religion:Religionformeisindoctrination.19self-assessmentmorereligiousthanspiritualneitherreligiousnorspiritualneitherreligiousnorspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyouconsideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?Idoconsidermyselffaithful,eventhoughI’matoddswiththegoodGod,butthatdoesn’tmeanIdon’tbelieveinhim.[I:Whatdoesitmeanforyou?]Thatthereisameaningfulexistenceafterourlives,thatourlivesonearthweremeaningful[…].Andontheotherside,Imustsay:toknowthatthereisnothingafterdeath,[…]that’ssuchadisenchantingrealizationthatsomepeoplemaynotbeabletolivewithit[…],butIguessI’mspeakingformyselfhere.[…]Ineverbelievedthatatanypoint.I’mscareditmightbelikethat,butIdowishthatthereisanexistenceafterdeath.20AfterallthatI’vetoldyouhere,howwouldyousortme?Iwouldexcludereligious.[I:Iwouldspontaneouslysayyouarequiteabitspiritual.]Nope.Although,spiritual,Ineverreallyknowwhatthatmeans.[…][I:Perhapsbelievinginsomethinghigher,somewhatvague?]Umm,yes,thenI’mspiritual.[I:So,andwhatdoesitmeanforyou?]That’smyreligion,let’ssayitlikethat.Whenyoustretchthetermalot.That’swhatplaysarolebeyondthisreal,currentlifeperhaps.Imean,ourlifeisfinite,andyoumaynotlikeit[…].Andyouthinkaboutthesethingsandifthatisspirituality,yes…thenI’mspiritual.Andthat’sasmalldrawerinmylife,let’sputitlikethat.[…]ThoughIratherfeellikespiritualityissomethingbigger,morebombastic,andthat’snothowIfeel.21Ithink[spirituality]issuchacotton-softterm.[…]Youknow,likelittleballswhicharethrownintothinairandaresupposedtohaveameaning.Andthat’sthethingwithspiritual,erm,Ireallydon’tknowwhattodowiththis.Whatexactlyisspiritual?Religion?Ofcourse,Ihaveaconcept.Ialsohaveaconceptoffaith.Butspiritual?WhenIdoyogaandsitthereandhowlatthemoonorsomething,isthatspiritual?That’snotmycupoftea.22210 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWave 1: In the survey atwave 1,Carola states that she is “more religious than spiritual.” Inher interviewanswer, she opts for the term“faithful,”which comes as a surprise given thefact that she has elaborated on how she felt abandoned by God during the timewhen herlife partnerwasdying.Rightfully she says that being at oddsdoesnot equal not believing.In her justification, she refers to the question of whether there is a life after death. Forher, to have an answer to that question is of great importance, and, avoiding generalities,she says that at least she could not live with the certainty that there is no afterlife. Sheunderlines her thoughts with a little dialog between her and her life partner:And my life partner and I talked about this of course, and he was a totally rationalman […] and would not be bothered by any spiritual shenanigans, […] but when wetalked about these things […], I told him, “And where will you be when I die?” Andthen he told me, “Then I’ll come and pick you up.” […] He must have believed ina life after death. I also believe that this impending death brought back this faithto him.23 (Carola, FDI, time 1)This short sequence illustrates what she elaborated on in a more abstract way before.Being faithful for her is a means to cope with the fear of death and is something com-forting. However, the faith she had in God at the time did not have the desired result,and the struggles she had with God are still very present for her.Wave 2: Here, Carola labels religion as “indoctrination” and also states to be “neitherreligious nor spiritual.”Her definition of the term“spirituality” is vague, but quite fittingto what she says in the interview. However, the answer is a bit problematic, since shestruggles with the questions and the terms offered to her and asks the interviewer fordefinitions for an assessment. Even though the interviewer tried to stay as neutral aspossible,her choice for callingherself “spiritual”mayhavebeen influencedby that carefulestimate.However, thequestionofwhat comesafterdeathandheruncertainty regardingthe answer is still used as an explanation why she holds certain beliefs. By saying sheholds this form of spirituality in a “small drawer,” she implies that it does not play a rolefor her everyday life at themoment.The struggle with God is not taken up in this answer.Wave 3: Religion is labelled as “indoctrination” again in her free text entry. The smalladdition of “for me” hints to the assumption that Carola is aware of different perspec-tives. Her regret that she does not know what spirituality is mirrors in her answer inthe interview. Again, she tries to convince the interviewer to define the terms for her. Inher reflections, she makes it clear that she looks down on those who define themselvesas spiritual, and it seems as if she is over-generalizing her own concerns with this term,which is supported by the fact that she uses rather pejorative examples tomake her point(“howling at the moon”). As described previously, she decides to present herself mainlyin contrast to others by saying what she is not.At time 3, Carola does not speak about the concept of a life after death in this answer,which is afirst andobvious observation from the analyses above.At time 1, she still seemsto hold some kind of belief in God and still considers herself faithful or religious, thisnotion has disappeared in her other statements. However, it was carved out from her8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 211“image of God” answers above that she is still highly invested in the relationship withGod. It can be argued that Carola does not consider this dispute she has with God asconnectedwith her own religiosity or spirituality.Thismight be seen as further evidencefor the above argument that the relationship with God is a very concrete, personal oneandstill persists even though the riftwith theProtestant churchhappenedearly inher lifealready.Toemphasize the injustice thathasbeendone toher,Carola refers to experiencesduring her time as a confirmee at all timepoints. These are embedded in her accountsof her religious development, serving a similar purpose at all times though the storiesdiffer. One can observe variations of one leitmotif here, as will be shown in the next sub-paragraph.Narratives: “Confirmation Class”When asked to reconstruct her religious biography, Carola falls back to memories fromher adolescence. Interestingly, they can all be labelled as a narrative from confirmationclass, but they are not the same story; however, all fulfill the criteria for the structure ofa narrative as defined by Labov andWaletzky (1967). Here is Carola’s first one:Table 23: Carola’s Narrative: “Confirmation Class I”Orientation I remember this experience that really cut to the quick at that time. I was about 13 atthe time I guess, quite naïve in general, and I rememberComplication wehad this church serviceandus confirmees sat in thefirst rows, itwasa small parish,[…] and I remember I had just gotten new shoes and so I crossedmy legs because Iwas so proud of the shoes […] and looked at them. […] And I was all absorbed inmycontemplation and then noticed the pastor reprimandedme from the pulpit, in frontof thewhole parish, saying I should behave properly and howdare I sit like this […].Evaluation I just rememberwishing for the earth to open so I could disappear, afterwards I knewthat everybody knew that it wasmewho had been addressed, […]Resolution Actually, I wasn’t conscious of any guilt, I wasn’t aware I had done anything bad, butthe pastor suggested that it was badwhat happened there.Coda That was so severe that the church never became dear tomy heart anymore, puttingit cautiously.24 (Carola, Narrative Interview, time 1)Her narrative speaks of humiliation and of being embarrassed in front of a group ofpeople. Clearly, Carola does not take any blame for that situation. She portrays herself asthe innocent childwhowas treated unjustly by an authority figurewith this personal dis-appointment leading to a distance to thewhole institutionwhichwill never be overcome.Thenarrative has the formof a contamination story, startingwith a rather positivemem-ory of shiny new shoes and ending with a public rebuke and Carola turning away fromthe church in consequence. She brings up a different episode from that time during hersecond interview:212 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 24: Carola’s Narrative: “Confirmation Class II”Orientation Then I actually experienced the first rift when I was confirmed or rather when I hadconfirmation classes.Complication Because I was going to school here in [city A], I didn’t have the possibility to attendthe classes with other confirmees. So, a former classmate from elementary schooland I, wewere the only ones who had the confirmation classes in the afternoon.Evaluation The two of us […] with this pastor that just languidly told us something about Godand the Bible and bullied us with things that we had to learn by heart. From time totime, his false teethwould fall out and it was all very, very awkward for a young girl of14.Resolution And it did not bringme any closer to religion. And so, after confirmation, I decided,“Youwill never go into this church again.”Coda And I never did because I thought, “I am not close to the church, the institution‘church’ is not close tome, it did nothing forme.”25 (Carola, FDI, time 2)At first glance, this is a completely different story. Looking closer, one can see thatelements of humiliation are found in it as well, even though they are not so bluntly dis-played as in the first one. Carola is forced into an outsider’s role (due to the fact that shewent to school not in her home town but in the next bigger town and therefore could notattend confirmation class during school time) and had to take the classes together withjust one other person.This individual was amale former classmate,which is presumablyawkward and unpleasant as a teenager. Moreover, the pastor (who is logically the samepastor as in the first story) is languid, mean, and exposes Carola to the embarrassmentof losing his false teeth over and over again. Like in the first story, it is a single author-ity person who has the power to determine Carola’s future relationship with the church,not only by his actions, but also by his looks and unfavorable habits.This overall situationleads Carola to the conclusion to never go to church again.In her third interview, her narrative related to confirmation class reads as follows:Table 25: Carola’s Narrative: “Confirmation Class III”Orientation So, I was not brought up in a religious fashion.Mymother was Catholic, we kids wereProtestant, likemy father. We never went to church, but as it was customary at thattime, youwere confirmed. That’s just theway it was.Complication And I had themisfortune that I went […] to school in [city A] with a former classmate.Thatmeant that confirmation classes for us did not take place in themorning, in thefirst two lessons, […] that’s why we got extra confirmation classes in the afternoons.[…]When the weather wasmost beautiful and everybody else was at the swimmingpool […]. Two people, [J.] and I, we sat opposite this pastor, who would regularly losehis false teeth, andwhowas very languid.8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 213Evaluation Awful. I have really horrible memories of this man. I don’t know, but he was a manof the church and he should have convinced others of his cause. But the oppositewas the case. I only yearned for my confirmation, which, by the way, put us under alot of pressure. We had to learn lots and lots of stuff by heart. Also with the threatthere would be a public hearing in the church, in front of the whole presbytery, theauditorium in the church. Like, the churchgoers, and we would be tested. A terriblefear. […] And then always the threat, “And if you don’t succeed in the test, you fail andwill not be confirmed.” […] So, that was a terrible burden and I was glad when it wasover.Resolution I never went to church after that,Coda forme that was a fact, I cannot bear that anymore.26 (Carola, FDI, time 3)Carola gives some background information regarding her family’s religious back-ground; indicating that, while not being brought up in a particularly religious fashion,the cultural norm required that the children be confirmed. Adding to the inconvenientnecessity, there are the equally unfavorable circumstances under which the classes aretaking place. Not only does she have to endure them with a single classmate, she alsomisses socializing with her peers. All of these details provide the frame for Carola’s nar-rative, making it clear that the whole experience was unpleasant.The description of thepastor is similar to previous interviews but not the main reason for her discomfort dur-ing this time.What is inher focus this time is the fact that she felt scrutinizedwhile beingunder immense pressure.The idea to be tested and potentially humiliated in front of thewhole parish still horrifies her. Interestingly, public humiliation is themain theme of herfirst narrative as well but in quite a different appearance.In sum, what can be seen here is not the retelling of the same story in the classicalsense. Rather, what can be found are certain motifs taken up again that help transporta narrative identity: a young girl as the victim of humiliation done to her by authorityfigures. In all of these stories, the actual content of Carola’s faith is not a matter of dis-cussion. It is the worldly representative, the authority figure, who repels her and drivesher away from the church. In the end she finds a culprit, in this case the priest, for herdismal situation, and this represents another leitmotif. This sheds an interesting lighton the way Carola structures her world and might point to a certain way of arrangingvalues.This will be examinedmore closely in the next paragraphwhere I will take amoredetailed look at Carola’s morality and her view on society.8.1.3 Carola’s Morality and her View on Society—A Critical View on the CurrentSituationCarola is a former teacher. She retired between time 1 and 2, so it is not surprising thatwhen she talks about values and commitments, her former profession and, in the mostrecent interview, the relationship with her grown-up children and her grandchildrentake up considerable space. She puts great emphasis on the positive feedback that shegot from her pupils and the good relationship she has with her family.Thereby, she cre-ates the narrative identity of a person who is capable at and successful in forming young214 Leitmotifs in Life Storiespeople in a positive way, which reinforces the motif of generativity permeating her in-terviews. When she talks about values, what reappears is the emphasis on authenticityand honesty:Virtues that I value, like, authenticity, that you stay yourself, that you don’t bend,also has to do with honesty, credibility, moral courage is something I hold verydear, yes, these are things that are important for me. I don’t mean to suggest thatI always succeed, but those are honorable goals after which to strive, although youwon’t achieve them. […] I try to be honest or I try to stay myself, not to bend justbecause some social currents expect that from me, and I stick by it and have theaudacity to be loyal to myself.27 (Carola, FDI, time 1)In this answer, it becomes clear how much Carola values authenticity with this beinga major pillar of her moral foundation28. She is aware that her goals cannot be alwaysachieved, neither by herself nor by any other person. Staying true to herself is anotherimportant virtue for her as well as to not bend to any authority or social current. Thesemay be considered sensible claims that she potentially will have taught her pupils andchildren as well.When asked how religious conflicts can be resolved, her answer at time1 is tolerance:Well, by tolerance. I think you don’t have to agree, I have to let the other havehis faith and respect it. As long as he is happy and content and it fulfills him andgives meaning to his life, then I just have to be tolerant because I think that’s thepriority.29 (Carola, FDI, time 1)This is a generic statement and a plea for letting the other live without an attempt at ac-tually trying to understand them.Agreement is not necessary in her eyes and is probablyhard to achieve.While her statements at time 1 regarding societal questions are short andwithout giving any further insights or examples while pleading for tolerance and accep-tance in a rather abstract way.These questions gain momentum at time 2. When askedwhat mature faith is in this interview, she argues with authenticity:I would say I uphold values and perhaps values are of existential meaning. For ex-ample, sincerity, honesty, and authenticity. […] When I create values and try to liveby them, which does not work out always. I know that too.30 (Carola, FDI, time 2)Here, she shows an awareness that these values are sometimes hard to uphold as shownat time 1.Thismay be connected with themodest realization that she, too, is fallible.Theemphasis is that it is still important to have values. Regarding tolerance, her answer tothe last questionof the interviewstarts in a similar fashionasher time 1 answer; however,she continues in a different manner:With tolerance. I let the other live in his worldview. I refuse to accept any form ofradicalism and acts of missionary work. I don’t want to be missionized and I don’twant to missionize others. In my view, with a larger amount of tolerance conflictscould be resolved easily. By just admitting, “You may believe what you want. I do8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 215not believe it. But I take the same right for me. I also want that to be acceptedand that nobody tries to convert me.”31 (Carola, FDI, time 2)While startingwith a general plea for tolerance, this answer goes further, especiallywhencompared to her time 1 statement. It is an appeal against unwanted missionization andabout drawing a strong line against who have a religion or worldview she deems fun-damentalist. It still contains elements of tolerance (“believe what you want”), but thestronger point shemakes is that shewants to be left alone regarding other people’s views.She seems unwilling to engagewith opinions that are different fromher own,whichwasalready indicated in her time 1 answer to that question. Nevertheless, while she mightsee herself as a very tolerant and empathic person, and while in her first interview so-cial criticism is not very prominent (and in a rather vague example refers to unethicalemployees of telephone companies), it plays a big role in her second and third interviewand influences the way she thinks aboutmoral questions.When she is asked about ideasandmatters of great concern, she ponders for awhile as if hesitating, and she then startselaborating on a topic that she has been reading about a lot and that she is obviously pre-occupied with: the rising influence of Islam and the radicalization of Muslims. Beforeshe dives deeper into the topic, she sets a preamble:I want to send ahead something, to prevent painting a biased picture of myselfwhen I comment on that. I don’t actually consider myself xenophobic, the man Ionce married was [nationality R]. My present life partner is [nationality T]. My son’sfriends are international, […].32 (Carola, FDI, time 2)Being aware of the fact that what she is going to talk about is controversial and that herstandpoint is probably not what the interviewer expects it to be, she defensively tries toclarify that any accusation that might come to mind must be wrong. She self-assuredlyclaims she cannot be xenophobic because she knows a lot of non-German people andlooks at themwith a positive attitude (except for the ex-husband,who getsmentioned inthe quote above nevertheless, since his nationality obviously has nothing to do with herreasons to divorce him). She is following here a well-established argumentation patternoutlined by vanDijk (1992): the denial of xenophobic opinions, first by distancing oneselffrom this socially unaccepted label, usually followed by an emphasized “but.”Thus, afterthat introduction, Carola talks about books she has read and how those have shaped herview of the world:Well, I really don’t consider myself xenophobic, but when you read that book[Neukölln is everywhere] and I also read two other books, by Udo Ulfkotte whohas dealt with this problem and who is well-acquainted with the orient and thelifestyle there because he has lived there for a long time, I get really scared abouthow it’s going to be. Not for me anymore, but for my children and grandchildren,when you know the tactics how radical Muslims try to take over the world. Andthen I feel having a tendency that I did not have in the past. But that’s really onlyabout radical people.33 (Carola, FDI, time 2)216 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThe books she refers to have been discussed controversially in German media for beingright-wing populist,34 a discourse she probably is aware of, given that she presents her-self as a well-read and intellectual person who is interested in current politics and soci-etal discussions,yet shedoesnotmention it inher interview.Instead,Ulfkotte is ascribedsuperior knowledge since he “has lived [in the orient] for a long time,” a topos grantinghim authority due to personal experience that makes it difficult to contradict the the-ses of his books. What exactly it is that makes her afraid of the future remains unclear,besides a reference to the topos of Islam claiming leadership of the Western world. Inher argumentation and with the explicit intention of not appearing xenophobic, Carolaconstructs different types of outgroups.There are the “allies,”who are the others that aresimilar to the own in-group, such as the partner from a European country, which maybe seen as the “good” others. And there are the “dangerous” others who are inherentlyviolent and incompatible with Carola’s in-group: radical Muslims (Zick et al., 2012). In-terestingly, her fears here are connected with a part of her personality that is strong inher narrative identity. She is not afraid for herself but for future generations, so a differ-ent sort of generativity is taking over here,which is amore abstract one that is concernedwith circumstances beyond her control.The concern for loved ones is also expressed in aseries of episodes in which she describes troublesome incidents connected to non-Ger-man peoplewhowere ill-meaning toward friends and familymembers.Thereby, she cre-ates thematic coherence and biographical continuity (cf. Habermas, 2011). The topic isclosed by a very impressive coda:Don’t put me in the extreme right-wing corner. I believe I do not belong there, andI don’t want to be there either. But I don’t want us to have to endure many thingsthat just aren’t right. So.35 (Carola, FDI, time 2)Again, she emphasizes that she does not want to be categorized as right-wing, therebymeeting possibly expected criticism by the interviewer (and, implicitly, by the liberal so-ciety) in a defensive manner. The criticism coming from “the left” is not explicitly dis-cussed in this interview,but thismaybeexemplifiedbyherdeclaringClaudiaRoth,aGer-man Green Party politician who is known for her liberal and migration friendly course,as her “enemy.” It seems as if the tolerance that she demands in her answer is confined toher in-group or her family and others who think alike, while those who are in the “out-group”are viewedmore ambivalently and critically.Remarkably, these topics that take upsomuch time in the second interview were not present at all in the first interview.Whathappened? A profound change of her social environment does not seem to be a reason,even though therehasbeenamajor change in the formofher retirement.When the inter-viewwas conducted in 2013, in theGerman society alongwith other European countries,the increasing attractiveness of right-wingpopulist opinions couldbe observed,praisingtraditional values and communities aswell as national strengths. In light of this develop-ment, right-wing populist parties have gained influence not only inGermany, and corre-sponding opinions have becomemore socially acceptable (Zick et al., 2019). Since Carolaretiredbetween thefirst and the second interview, shenowhas the time to read that liter-ature and presumably to watch relevant TV shows. In her accounts, Carola comes across8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 217as someone whomight be accessible to these kinds of political interpretations, althoughshe does explicitly distance herself from them.In her time 3 interview, these tendencies become more explicit. When asked aboutactions that are always right under any circumstances, shefirst elaborates onher conceptof fairness:Yes… I always feel drawn to fairness. Like, you try to encounter people with fairness.Even though you don’t agree with one thing or the other, but to attempt to engagein a fair way. Even though they may make you angry sometimes, you know. So, Ithink fairness is basically an important term in my life. Whereas tolerance, I amgoing a bit astray here. (smiles) I don’t know if this will come up later, but I tryto be honest with myself here. I believe I have a lot of tolerance, my son said thisonce, “Mom, it takes a long while for your patience to wear thin.” I believe that too,I can be very patient, but there are situations, that has nothing to do with family,friends, that’s more about the political spectrum … Period.36 (Carola, FDI, time 3)What is interesting to see here is how much she emphasizes fairness, but the conceptitself stays empty, and what treating people in a fair way actually means to her remainsfuzzy. For her, this is a type of action that is always right.Then she brings up the conceptof tolerance, which she sees as a related concept but which she evaluates differently asemphasized in this paragraph. This may be seen as consciously deviating from an im-plicit norm that sees tolerance as a desirable goal. Letting her son speak, she makes itclear that she is undoubtedly a patient person.This introductionmakes what is about tofollowmore intense, sinceher defaultmood is adifferent thanwhat shewill display in thefollowing statement. She discusses with the interviewer whether or not it is appropriateto go on with what she wants to say, making clear that it is going to be off-topic and,presumably, controversial. For context, German society was concerned with so-calledrefugee crisis starting in 2015, when ten thousands of people fled from war, especiallyfrom Syria.The German chancellor AngelaMerkel became famous for her unambiguousstatement, “We can do it!”While therewas sympathy and helpfulnesswithinGerman so-ciety toward the refugees, there was also the countermovement of people claiming to be“overrun” by “waves of refugees.”The right-wing party AfD gained strength and votes inthis time. In 2018, when Carola’s third interview took place, the situation was less acute,yet the topic seems to concern her still. Before she goes into detail, she gives a summaryand sends ahead a preamble:I believe, and my tolerance is strictly limited in this respect, that we cannot over-come this so-called refugee problem with the possibilities that we have at the mo-ment. I believe I can substantiate this a bit, perhaps you now have, in your head,that corner, and with that assumption I’m put into the nazi corner or radical rightand right-wing populist and so on. [I: No, no, I’m just listening.] You’re just listen-ing, right? [I: Yes.] Fine. But I know that young people think differently. I just haveto send ahead one thing. My son and I, we totally exclude politics, […]. We are to-tally contrary in our opinions. […] I try to understand my son, while he does not tryto understand me, that’s what I assume at least. Erm, I always had a really open218 Leitmotifs in Life Storieshouse at home. And my son had a large room in the basement for himself and hismany friends of different nationalities.37 (Carola, FDI, time 3)She starts with a generic form of social criticism, stating that the “refugee problem” can-not be resolved with the methods at hand as she sees the issue. She does not, however,elaborate on the alternatives.After this start, it seems important forher to insert a paren-thesis: as in her time 2 interview, she wants to make sure she is not put into the right-wing corner. During this interview, she directly addresses the interviewer and may as-sume that the interviewer would do as she seems to fear and dismiss her opinions due toclashes in political and social ideology. The assertion that the interviewer is just listen-ing does not convince her. She even displaysmild arrogancewhen stating, “young peoplethink differently.” To make her point more strongly, she transfers this general assump-tion onto a personal experience, i.e. that with her sonwho is, as can be inferred, also oneof those “young people.”When talking about this ongoing dispute she has with her son,shemakes it clear that her tolerance for his opinions exceeds his, since he does not try tounderstandher standpoint,makingher themore openperson fromher perspective.Thisis supported by what she shares next: that her son benefitted from this openness whenhe was younger since he was allowed and encouraged to invite all of his friends, regard-less of their nationality. Carola therefore emphasizes her own tolerance, inferring thatwhat she is going to say about the refugee situation should not be understood as comingfrom the far right, but instead from a personwho is open and friendly toward foreigners(which is supported with further arguments), yet takes a critical stance with that topic:But a flooding of our country, as you can see it everywhere, in the cityscape, thereasons and how they get here and why they come here and so on, all that leftaside. I just think our society is changing drastically, and not only for the best.[…] My friend, same age as me, three black young men… they approached her, hadtheir mitts on her already and said to her, “Ah, white woman, not circumcised, goodmattress.” And really had their paws on her. Those kinds of experiences. […] That’sbasic thinking. I’m in a good position, but still I’m aware of things, I know things,realize what is happening, am aware how my grandchild is doing in school, by whatkind of people harass him, who puts pressure on him, who blackmails him, whosteals his phone and so on and so forth. My son, who, undercover, let’s put it likethat, accuses me of having a racist attitude, […] he sees the structure in his son’sclass in a very, very critical light meanwhile. […] I’m just too old to naively let myselffall into this transformation of our society and to say, “Oh, it’s all wonderful andmulticultural and global and so on.” No.38 (Carola, FDI, time 3)She startswith the image of a society that is being flooded by refugees or,more generally,strangers. While this language is reproduced by others, this is a set of terminology thatcomes from the right-wing populist spectrum, implying that “the strangers” are a massrather than individuals and flood over the countrywith an unstoppable force, andCarolastates that she is not interested in talking about themotifs of those coming here.Her ob-servation that society is changingdrastically is supported by a series of episodes inwhichher friend or her family were threatened with violence or even victims of violence by thehands of people who are described as “black” or otherwise marked as out-group. And8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 219even though she has mentioned the differences between her son and herself regardingthis topic, she tells the interviewer that her son is finally realizing that there aremanifestproblems. In the last sentence of this quote, she criticizes those who naively speak of amulticultural society without being aware of the dangers which she, Carola, denounces.Thisparagraphcontains social criticismtowarddifferentout-groups: the“strangers” thatare responsible for the transformation of the society, and those who are not as woke asCarola is and let those transformations happen. She is showing a self-presentation bycontrast again, as is seen at many points in her time 3 interview. Interestingly, while shestillmakes use of a certain rhetoric, she does not revealwhat she reads these days, at leastin the context discussed in this paragraph. One of the few direct references shemakes isto Michel Houellebecq’s “Submission,” a book that had been controversially discussed afew years ago. Its content was perceived by some as Islamophobic, while others praisedit for its satiric genius. Carola gives a very brief summary of the content of the book bysaying “it is alarming,how in France Islam is gaining predominance andhow the popula-tion is subdued” (which is, to say the least, a rather abbreviated presentation).This bookcomes to her mind after issuing the following elaboration:I don’t mind Turks for example, I just object to this Islamism with these veiledwomen in which men really force them under those tents. That’s something that I’mafraid of. Then they get children […] non-stop. They will take over our country, justby getting more children. For me that’s a simple calculation. You cannot stop thisanymore. And I don’t object to Turks or veiled women living among us. But, one daywe’ll be the minority. Because there’s something I accuse our governments of, andI experienced it myself when my children were younger: It was made damn hardfor families to raise children. That German families cannot afford to have childrenanymore, that’s because these families aren’t supported enough. […] If you madeit easier for families, childcare, more money, so they can afford this, also singlemothers, that they don’t fall into this poverty, […] then German people would havemore children. This would maybe create an equilibrium. But now we are creatingan imbalance in favor of the Mussulmen who get child after child after child. It’s asimple calculation. In 2050, if you’re still alive then, go take a look around. I don’tknow how this can be stopped. Now I’ve shocked you, right?39 (Carola, FDI, time 3)Carola is reproducing a right-wing narrative in which the “Mussulmen” (a term used ina pejorative way in the German language) replace the German population due to higherrate of procreation.Referring to a “simple calculation,” her argumentation does not needany further evidence, since its implications should be clear to the reader/listener.Whilethis part of her elaboration stays abstract with vague references to subdued women, shehas a practical example that is connectedwith personal experiences of howGerman fam-ilies are prevented from havingmore children. Her criticism here is directed toward thegovernment that does not support German families enough and only inadequately pro-vides circumstances which would encourage German people to have children.While hercritique is surely justified (evenmore so, looking back, regarding the time in which Car-ola hadher children), it does not become clearwhy all of these unfavorable circumstancesshouldnot affectnon-Germanpeople.The last remarkof this quote is directed toward theinterviewer, assuming that theywill not only disagreewithwhat she has just said butwill220 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesbe shocked by her bluntness.This is an interesting observation that weaves through herinterviews. She seems to flirt with the idea that she is non-conformist and rebellious,that she dares to speak truths. She senses howmuch she deviates from the interviewer’sopinions (and,more generally, from the expectations societymight have of an educated,open woman), and this is also part of her narrative identity.More of her concept of tolerance and the source of her knowledge is revealed in theanswer to the last question of the interview:I think everybody just has to tolerate the other’s view. You just have to put up withit. I have opinions which I can’t convince other people of. […] I also have to come toterms with my son. […] But he’s the only one in my surrounding, friends, relatives,[…] you may not believe me, but they all think like me. My son is the only one whois on the other side. […] Guess how often I read on the internet who was stabbedor shot. It’s really the foreigners. Serbs, Croatians, Afghans, Syrians, women beingbutchered… Now don’t tell me those are isolated incidents! There is this site on theinternet, einzelfaelle.de, go there and see how many isolated incidents there are inthis country. And who are the perpetrators. […] And I don’t want to repeat all thetime, “Yes, German people do that as well.” Yes, I know. […] It’s just this spectrum,this culturally alien, who are not compatible with our culture and who breed, erm,and who call us, I call myself Christian here as well, unbelievers that have to beeliminated. You cannot tolerate this. So. Period.40 (Carola, FDI, time 3)What becomes clear is that she is demanding tolerance: for her way of thinking, as rad-ical as it may seem, and for her fears. Mentioning her son again, she puts him outsideher own group of like-minded family and relatives, stating he “is the only one who is onthe other side.” Here, she emphasizes that her standpoint is not especially radical, andit is her son who is deviating.Then she turns her thoughts again to her fears, which arepredominantly the influence of radical Islam. She talks about honor killings and aboutwomen being stabbed by citing awebsite that lists all those “isolated incidents.”Needlessto say, the goal of this site is to point out that those incidents are in no way isolated, butthey instead show a pattern of Muslim violence.The term “isolated incidents” is used bythe right-wing populist movement in an ironic way to pointedly call attention to the factthat “do-gooders” deny any form of connection and therefore structural problems. Car-ola does not discuss this background critically and instead adopts the term to make herpoint. At the end of this quote, she associates herself with a group that she has rejectedthroughout the rest of the interview: the Christians that are being called unbelievers andwith whom she obviously feels sympathetic. With an emphatic “Period.” she closes herstatement,making it clear that she does not wish to be contested.Carola’s development in this aspect is interesting. At time 1, her statements aregeneric and contain a plea for tolerance, which is not substantiated. Her main focusis on her family and friends and their well-being with the trait of generativity beingprominent. This remains an important factor for her narrative identity throughout herother interviews, too. It seems like she sees the integrity of this family threatened by aforce coming from the outside. Initiated by a societal discourse that has a critical viewon the migration politics of the government and an anxious view on the developmentthat goes along with the society becoming more diverse, Carola sees Muslims and the8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 221Islam as possible—and actual—perpetrators, and she not only fears for her immediatesurroundings but for society as a whole. It seems that at time 3, she is certain to haveknowledge that is superior to those of others, which is manifested in her comments to-ward the young interviewer.On the other side, she is defensive, going by the assumptionthat one cannot say anything critical about foreigners, migrants, or refugees withoutautomatically being called a racist. This was found to be a common sentiment withinthe German society (see, for example, the so called “Mitte-Studie” in which Zick et al.(2019, p. 166) foundmore than half of the participants agreeing to that statement).Theseopinions represent something that has become stronger in Carola’s narrative identityover time: a self-presentation by contrast. By comparing herself with her son who doesnot agree with her opinions, Carola makes her narrated image more accentuated. Thefact that she very openly admits to having those opinions that clearly deviate from theexpectations the interviewer or the liberal environment she lives in might have maypoint to another hypothesis: as has been found in people that sympathize with conspir-acy theories (Imhoff & Lamberty, 2017), Carola’s statements imply a desire to be seen andto see herself as unique and special or to be different. As Imhoff and Lamberty argue,“conspiracy theories seem to hold the promise of being a set of political attitudes thatguarantees that one will be seen as having an independent, if not necessarily accurate,mind” (Imhoff & Lamberty, 2017, p. 732). And while it is not for certain that Carola couldbe called a follower of conspiracy myths, elaborations on the Muslims taking over the(Christian) European society just by “breeding” certainly do belong in that realm.Another answer fromthe “Mitte-Studie” to thequestionwhypeople adopt right-wingviews or feel attracted to conspiracymyths is that peoplewho tend to agree to right-wingpopulist statements are often found to be people who feel like they are not in control oftheir own life, which is a feeling that may be caused by the sudden death of a loved one(or by a feeling of abandonment) as well as by societal upheavals (cf. Zick et al., 2019,p. 207). By finding easy, unambiguous answers to important questions, they try to takeback control over their lives.Thismight serve as abridging explanation for thefindings ofthe content analysis of Carola’s interviews, since the narrative identity carved out here isambiguous. One has the image of a person who is open, caring, and exemplifies gettingalong well with everybody. Inversely, Carola comes across as a womanwho is sometimesbitter and who is looking for a culprit, which is found in the person of the priest andin the uncountable mass of strangers, Muslims, who seemingly threaten her way of lifeand that of the people she cares for. Taking into account the knowledge that losses ofdifferent kinds play a major role in her life reviews across all time points, one can seethese xenophobic tendencies as a means to cope with the fear of losing loved ones or ofseeing people she cares for suffer. The “wave of refugees” may be the enemy she has tofight in order to keep them safe.8.1.4 Carola’s Religious and Moral Development—Triangulating the DataObserving the other data accumulated for Carola and recalling the emotional narrativesand controversial viewpoints that characterize Carola’s interviews, a look into her surveydata is surprising:222 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 26: Selected Data fromCarola’s Survey Answerswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Carola M(SD) Carola M(SD) Carola M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings1.60 2.63(1.17)1.00 2.42(1.12)1.00 2.60(1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice4.00 4.35(0.38)4.00 4.28(0.51)4.20 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog3.40 3.64(0.75)3.20 3.57(0.76)3.20 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 3.57 3.67(0.59)3.00 3.20(0.40)3.29 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 3.43 3.67(0.71)3.86 3.72(0.59)3.86 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.00 4.38(0.38)4.14 4.17(0.39)4.14 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers4.29 3.86(0.65)4.29 3.90(0.62)4.14 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 3.86 3.77(0.61)4.57 3.76(0.51)4.00 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance 3.29 3.79(0.68)3.71 3.86(0.62)3.86 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 2.92 3.42(0.78)3.58 3.40(0.70)3.67 3.40(0.68)extraversion 3.17 3.26(0.58)3.25 3.25(0.58)3.17 3.20(0.56)openness to experience 3.92 3.90(0.47)3.83 3.89(0.49)3.92 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 3.58 3.74(0.46)4.00 3.73(0.44)3.67 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 3.83 3.70(0.49)3.75 3.76(0.51)3.50 3.78(0.50) Most of her scores are close to the means of the whole sample or at least within thestandard deviation. Interesting, are her scores on the Religious Schema Scale especiallytaking into account her elaborations above.While her scores for ftr and xenos are slightlylower than themeans of the sample, her scores for ttt are considerably lower and even de-cline between wave 1 and 2. As this subscale measures the extent to which people believein the texts of their religion/belief in a literal way and points to an absolutistic and exclu-8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 223sivist stance toward the religious teachings (Streib &Klein, 2014), this result emphasizeshowmuch Carola rejects any form of fundamentalist religion.However, her scores on ftrand xenos do not completely add upwith her statements aboutMuslims, yet they domir-ror Carola’s presented narrative identity of a woman who is open and tolerant since shehas welcomed the “international” friends her son brought home and vehemently rejectsto be called racist or xenophobic. The survey answers may reveal socially desirable re-sponse patterns, which can also be seen in her interview answers.The passages that areperceived as most controversial are preambled with statements of appeasement whichmake clear that Carola recognizes this ambiguity that has been described above and be-comes apparent in her survey answers. It might be hypothesized that Carola herself isnot able to bridge that gap in her own standpoints completely.On the subscale purpose in life of the Ryff Scale, we see that her score has increasedconsiderably between waves 1 and 2. Having in mind that Carola retired early from herjob as a teacher between these two points of measurement, it can be speculated that shehas been trying actively to fill that gap and that she is finding meaning in new tasks.Moreover, she has become a grandmother in that time which might add to that feelingof having meaningful tasks to do. Her scores on self-acceptance (Ryff Scale) and emotionalstability (NEO-FFI) increasing steadily over time can be explained with the fact that thedeath of her beloved partner was recent at the first point of measurement with Carolastill inmourning. bywave 2, she hadmet her new partner and found a newmeaning anda new perspective for her life aside from caring for her grandchildren.In the structural analysis of her interviews in accordance to the Manual, Carola isclassified as a “stayer” within the religious types over all timepoints. Her ratings show atendency for style 3 (mutual religious style) consistently with a clear majority of conven-tional answers at time 3. At times 1 and 2, one can see nearly half her answers rated style4 (individuative-systemic), which indicates that she seems to oscillate between a desirefor consent with her own social group and the ability for critical and autonomous think-ing in her earlier interviews, which is considerably less visible at time 3. It is interestingto note how Carola’s ratings shift inmorality. At time 1, her answers have been rated be-tween styles 3 and 4, and at the other timepoints, the rating of style 3 is unambiguous.Overall, it can be stated that her ability to critically reflect and think in abstract ways isdisplayed least in her last interview, as has beenmade explicit especially in 8.3.1.Overall,the classification as a constant religious type 2 (predominantly conventional) and thusher in-group orientation and conventional approach to questions of morality is consis-tent with the results of the content analysis.The finding adds to the picture that Carola,even though she claims to be a tolerant and self-critical person, in the structure of heranswers shows a different picture.Looking back on what I found out about Carola, one can see the portrait of a womanwho has faced a lot of adversities in her life. Being raised by a mother who preferred hersons and expected Carola to take care of her, Carola was faced with expectations fromfamily and society that did not meet the ambitions and hopes she had for her own life.In the same fashion as she describes the strained relationship with her mother, she de-scribes her struggle with God and her faith. It has become clear that she is still caught upin them to a considerable extent while she quite rigidly states to have terminated thoserelationships actively. Her trust in God is forever betrayed when her prayers do not help224 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesto save her partner.This untimely death is perceived as a terrible and unjust faith, and ithas been found that this is not uncommon in long-term couples, even though they oftentheoretically had time to come to terms with this thought (cf. Coleman et al. (2015) forlongitudinal studies of couples who had to deal with the loss of a spouse at one point).In addition to the loss of her partner, she also retires and has to find a new structure andmeaning for her life. Carola has to find a new frame of reference for herself, and here,it seems that her efforts go in different directions. She is a very active and loving grand-mother with good relationships within her family and her social surroundings, but sheseems to see her children and grandchildren as well as her friends and the greater so-ciety threatened by the influence of Islam in theWestern world. It might be argued thatinner anxieties and conflicts are turned outward against unspecific enemies, as has beenhinted at above when her xenophobic tendencies were analyzed. It seems as if the booksand theories she refers to in her second and third interview are an attempt at findingstability or at getting answers for rather unspecific questions and fears. This might bemirrored in the development of her scores on the Ryff Scale. Having overcome a timeof intense grief, Carola seems more at ease with her current living situation, which isa statement that first seems to contradict her vigorously expressed concerns about soci-etal developments.However, itmight also be possible that in being able to name culprits,she gains stability and a more valued sense of self, which is an interpretation supportedby her improved score on self-reported self-acceptance. Being a deconvert, Carola’s casemay illustrate a delayed search for a new frame of reference (Streib et al., 2009), a frame thatgives her a stability that she had lost in the upheavals of her life years after abandoningthe church and feeling abandoned by God.Overall, Carola seems to adopt a more black-and-white view over the years. Sheseems to look back at her life with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction, even though sheseems to be satisfied with her overall situation in the present. In her third interview,the narrative identity she creates is that of a self-effective woman who has, despitemultiple atrocities she was faced with, achieved in creating ameaningful life, which canbe seen in the way she tells her stories that often have the form of a redemption story,especially at wave 3. She feels she has freed herself from the bonds of the church anddoes not rely on God anymore. Here, she is the master of her own narrative. Her scoresdisplayed in the table above indicate that she sees herself as a rather stable person,which is an impression that is contradicted in the analysis of her interviews in whichmultiple traces of insecurity could be found. Summed up, the leitmotif for Carola’s lifestory might best be described as “being abandoned by caregivers and growing throughit.” This growth might be strongly argued and disputed looking at her accounts froman analytical perspective, yet it seems that from her own point of view she has grownstronger,more autonomous, and fiercer.Notes1 Meine Gebete [sind] wirklich ungehört [ge]blieben. Und seitdem habe ich dannauch mit dem lieben Gott abgeschlossen. Dieser Schmerz, der mir damals zuge-fügt wurde, es ist jetzt 17 Jahre her, das habe ich ihm übel genommen. Ich denke,8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 225wennMenschen sich wirklich lieben, die auseinanderzureißen durch den Tod, dasverzeihe ich dir nie.2 Carola has been portrayed as well in Bullik, Steppacher, and Keller (2022b), albeitonly coveringherfirst and second interview.Parts of that chapter analyzingherfirsttwo interviews have been take and adapted to fit the focus of this case study here.3 Ja, ich denke das ist einfach so diese, sie sind schon auch die gängigen Abschnitte,das ist die Kindheit, ja die pubertäre Entwicklungsphase, Beendigung der Schul-zeit, der Schritt in ein selbstständiges Leben, Gründung der Familie, ja, Leben ei-gentlich für die Familie, die Kinder großziehen, das war ein Lebensabschnitt. Unddann die Beziehung mit meinem, Lebensgefährten, und das sind eigentlich die-se dreizehn Jahre, die für mich eigentlich auch sehr wesentlich gewesen sind. Undnochmal so ‘ne Zäsur nach seinem Tod eben, diese vergangenen drei Jahre, das isteinfachauchnochmal einLebensabschnitt,womeinLebenauch soganzanders ver-laufen ist als vorher. [I: Angenommen es wäre ein Buch, welche Kapitel, müsste esenthalten?] Kindheit, der Verlust der Kindheit, erwachsen sein und Verantwortungzu tragen für andere, Kinder, […] da würde ich das vielleicht sogar noch irgendwiemitUntertiteln (lacht) versehen.Einmal auchdieSorgeumdieKinder,daswarnichtganz leicht. […] Und dann auf der anderen Seite eigentlich auch die Freudemit denKindern, die Entwicklung, die sie machen, die positive Entwicklung, also das wärdas Kapitel Kinder. Und dann, ich denke, meine Ehe spielt auch noch ne Rolle, neEhe, dieman eingeht, weil man ja davon ausgeht, dass sie lebenslang hält, dann ei-gentlich diese Ernüchterung, dassman, einfach, sich schlicht geirrt hat.Dannmei-ne andere Lebenspartnerschaft, und dann das Kapitel Krankheit, Sterben, Tod unddann noch das Kapitel Trauer, das wären so diese Kapitel inmeinemLeben. [I:Wel-che Ereignisse sind rückblickend besonders bedeutsam?] Der Tod meines Vaters,die Geburt meiner Kinder, die Scheidung und der Todmeines Lebenspartners, ja.4 Ja, das kann ich ganz klar gliedern, mein Leben. Und zwar die erste Phase ist dieKindheit, wo man ja doch noch eigentlich sehr unbedarft ins Leben geht und sichführen lässt und auch Vertrauen in die engstenMenschen hat,wie Eltern oder auchGeschwister. Dann, wenn man schon ein Stückweit ins Leben entlassen wird, daswar dann so mein zweites Kapitel. Ich musste dann so vom Land hier in [Stadt A]zum Gymnasium gehen, das heißt, da war ich zehn. Auch noch relativ jung unddann ganz alleine selbständig auch weite Wege machen. […]. Und dann die Schule,die man durchläuft und Erfahrungen, die man auch da macht mit Menschen, […].Und daswar einKapitel, dasmich sehr geprägt hat, die Erfahrungmit den Lehrern,wie weit Lehrer das Leben prägen, insbesondere das Selbstbewusstsein oder auchmit anderenWorten,das Selbstbewusstsein untergraben.UndnachdemAbitur ha-be ich studiert auf Lehramt. Das habe ich bis zu meinem 57. Lebensjahr gemacht,habe das eigentlich auch gerne gemacht. Zwischendurch, das ist meine beruflicheLaufbahn, zwischendurch muss ich sagen gab es dann im privaten Bereich Zäsu-ren. Das war dann, als ich geheiratet habe und Kinder gekriegt habe. Das Kapiteldanach war meine Scheidung und das, wie soll ich das sagen, das Durchbringenmeiner Kinder, bis sie dann eben soweit waren, auf eigenen Beinen zu stehen. Daswar auch eine sehr schwere Zeit. Dann meine Erfahrung mit meinem Lebenspart-ner damals, den ich dann hatte, der an Krebs erkrankt ist und wir eine lange Zeit226 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdes Kampfes hatten um sein Leben und er ist letztendlich dann doch gestorben unddaswar fürmichwirklich ein Bruch inmeinemLeben.Wenn ich nochmal ein Stückzurückgehe: Der erste, wirklich tiefgreifende Bruch in meinem Leben war der Todmeines Vaters, als ich 20 war. Und dann mit 52 erlebte ich dann eben nochmal denTodmeines geliebten Lebenspartners und das war natürlich fürmich ein ganz per-sönlichesDramaund die Trauerzeit hat sehr lang angehalten.Wenn ich das zeitlicheingrenze,warendas acht Jahre unddann ist (halb lachend,halb emotional) ein frü-herer Freund in mein Leben getreten. Das ist eigentlich auch wieder so eine Zäsurnach diesen Jahren der Trauer. Und mit diesem Freund bin ich seit vier Jahren ei-gentlich glücklich liiert. So, das ist so diese Kapitel in meinem Leben.5 Das ist interessant, ich habe nämlich mal ein Buch geschrieben (lacht). […] Dannnehme ich mal ganz grob, Kindergarten hat man nur wenig Erinnerungen, Schule,[…] Abitur. Und da war eigentlich eine Zäsur. Ähm ... die Schule war schon wirklichdamals Stress, zu meiner Zeit, ne, da. Die Lehrer waren einfach noch anders undes war eine harte Leidenszeit. Weil Lehrer keine Pädagogen waren, sondern Wis-senseintrimmer, so. […] Dann habe ich studiert, dann bin ich Lehrerin geworden.Daswar eigentlich auch erfüllend,muss ich sagen,weil ich immernetteKinder hat-te, das muss ich auch sagen. Dann eine andere Zäsur, als ich geheiratet habe, zweiKinder bekommen habe. Dann die nächste Zäsur ... meine Scheidung. Dann, dieVerbindung mit einem neuen Lebensgefährten, der dann allerdings an Krebs er-krankte. Und nach seiner ersten Operation, sechs Jahre später, gestorben ist. Daswar also eine ganz wichtige Zeit in meinem Leben. Die Beziehungmit ihm dauerte13 Jahre, die Leidenszeit sechs Jahre. Er ist dann gestorben und in der Zeit nach sei-nem Tod habe ich dann so versucht auch dieses für mich ganz persönliche Dramades Abschieds und des Todes irgendwo zu verarbeiten. […] Dann habe ich wirklichangefangen, sukzessive, diese Entwicklung von Diagnose bis zum Tod in Kapitelnzubeschreiben. Ichglaube,es sind200Seiten, ichhabedas auchdrucken lassen. […]Und als ich es dann in denHänden hielt, dann war das gut für mich und dann habeich gedacht, so und jetzt hast du diese Erinnerung fest.Die kann dir niemandmehrnehmen. Und wennmanmerkt, Erinnerung wird blass, dann kann ich immer wie-der nachlesen, wie war das damals noch. […] Mittlerweile habe ich dann auch En-kelkinder gekriegt, die dann auch so die Trauer etwas abgefedert haben. Und dannist ein Mann in mein (lächelt) Leben getreten, den ich 50 Jahre schon kenne. Denhabe ich hier vor 50 Jahren in [Stadt A] kennengelernt, da war ich 19. […] Und derhat mich dann vor neun Jahren im Internet wieder aufgespürt. Und seitdem sindwir wieder zusammen […]. So, das sind so die groben Einteilungenmeines Lebens.6 Meine Mutter ist auch diese Person, von der man geliebt werden will. Und als Kindliebt man einfach seine Eltern und eben auch seine Mutter und meine Mutter hatdas ein bisschen sehr ungleichmäßig verteilt, nicht nur in meinem Bewusstsein,sondern auch imBewusstseinmeiner Brüder ist das so verankert, dassmeineMut-ter eigentlich nur Jungen gerne mochte und keine Mädchen. Von daher habe ichmicheigentlich immer so’nbisschenbenachteiligt gefühlt, also von ihrer Liebe,aberwie gesagt, als Kind liebt man seine Mutter und ringt um die Liebe der Mutter undich glaube, dass mir das nie ganz gelungen ist.8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 2277 Meine Mutter konnte mich immer in ihrem Alter dann gut gebrauchen für Dinge,die man erledigenmusste. Ich bin sehr viel für meineMutter da gewesen, bin nachdem Tod meines Vaters […] wieder nach Hause zurückgegangen und habe dannauch über drei Jahre das Ehebett mit meiner Mutter geteilt, weil ich sie nicht allei-ne lassen konnte und wollte. Dann habe ich mich aber wieder abgenabelt und wartrotzdem sehr viel für meine Mutter da, bin bei ihr gewesen und habe mich um siegekümmert und soweiter, aber das hat eigentlich nicht dazu geführt, dass ichmichirgendwo von ihr geliebt und angenommen fühlte. […] Sondern ich wurdemit Vor-würfen dann überhäuft. Und ja, es war dann schon schlimm, und ich habe dann zuirgendeinem Zeitpunkt, da war ich dann ich schätze um die 40, einfachmal n ganzscharfenSchnitt gezogen,undhabedenKontakt zumeinerMutter rigorosabgebro-chen. Ist für viele sehr unverständlich, aber ich war an einem Punkt angekommen,wo ich gesagt habe, entweder überlebt sie oder ich […] und ich muss sagen, von daan ging’s mir eigentlich ganz gut.8 Und ich bin dann mit dem Tod meines Vaters wieder zu meiner Mutter zurückge-zogen.Alle anderenBrüderwaren schon zuHauseweg, ich bin ins elterliche Schlaf-zimmergezogen, insBettmeinesVaters. [I: (skeptisch?)Mhm.]Na,Sie guckenganzgroß. [I: (lacht) Ja.]Heute fasse ichdasauchnichtmehr, […].Dashabe ichgetan,weilsiemir leidtat. […] An demTag, nachdemmein Vater gestorbenwar,wollte siemichin den Arm nehmen, mir [war] das sehr unangenehm und sie sagte dann zu mir:„Jetzt habe ich nur noch dich.“ Da habe ich auch gedacht: „Ach! Jetzt.“ […] Gut zweiJahre. Habe mich dann mit Bauchschmerzen entschieden, mir eine eigene Woh-nung zu suchen […] und dann war das ganz, ganz schwierig, ihr das zu vermitteln.9 Dann bin ich inmich gegangenmal Jahre später und habe ich gedacht: „Hast du ihreigentlich Unrecht getan?“ Weil ich nämlich glaube, jeder strickt sich seine eigeneWahrheit. So diese subjektive Wahrnehmung, die ist von der objektiven Wahrheitmanchmal so weit entfernt, dass ich mich wirklich infrage gestellt habe. […] Unddann bin ich mal ins Gespräch gekommen mit ... anderen Verwandten, auch mitmeinen Brüdern, die haben mich in meiner Wahrnehmung bestätigt und da habeich auch gedacht: „Ja. Dass ich mit meiner Mutter gebrochen habe, das sollte mirnicht leidtun. Tutmir auch nicht leid und das war fürmich der richtige Schritt unddie richtige Entscheidung.“Und ichmag auch nicht hören,wenn jemand sagt: „Oh,das ist aber doch deine Mutter gewesen.“ Nein. Dafür hat sie mich zu viel gequält.[…] Es ist schrecklich, dass man sowas sagt, aber was soll ich drumherum erzäh-len? […] Und es tut mir auch heute nicht leid. (den Tränen nahe) Und wenn ich zumFriedhof gehe, stelle ich meinem Vater die Blumen auf seine Seite, zum Todestag,zumGeburtstag und so weiter kriegt er immer Blumen.MeineMutter nie. Das hatsie jetzt davon.10 Eine wichtige Person in meinem Leben war meine Mutter. Meine Mutter hat michbekommen, da war sie 40, was für damalige Zeiten schon sehr alt war. Heute eine40-Jährige, die ein Kind kriegt, die ist jung. […] Während meine Mutter für michdamals […] einfach immer eine alte Frau [war], einfach von der Optik her.Weil mandamals sich nicht jugendlich gekleidet hat. Ähm, es war alles so fraulich und betu-lich und, ah,Moralin sauer und all sowas.228 Leitmotifs in Life Stories11 So und jetzt wollte ich einfach meine Freiheit haben, mit meiner Freundin zusam-menziehenund [meineMutter]wollte das absolut nicht. Ichhabe es getan. […]MeinVater hat mir immer Geld zugesteckt, damit ich überleben konnte. Ich hatte nix.[…] So und dann kamenwir einmal vormittags aus der Uni nach Hause und da hat-te ich einen Zettel an der Tür, ich sollte Zuhause anrufen. Da sagte mir mein Bru-der, dass mein Vater gestorben sei. Herzinfarkt, im Auto, tot. Ja, das war der erstewirklich dramatischeEinschnitt inmeinemLeben. […]Und, ich hatte keinGeld undbin zu meiner Mutter zurückgezogen. Bin zu meiner Mutter, (lächelt) jetzt lachenSie mich nicht aus, ich bin in das Bett meines Vaters gezogen, ins Ehebett. WeilmirmeineMutter leid tat, die ohnemeinenVater irgendwie gar nicht existenzfähigwar,wie das bei Frauen früher war, […] hatmit Eheschließung,wie das damals war,aufgehört zu arbeiten. […] Also, sie begab sich auch in die finanzielle Abhängigkeitmeines Vaters. Und nun war der gestorben. Meine Mutter wuppte den Haushalt,[…], darüber hinaus hatte sie von nichts eine Ahnung. So und weil ich das wusste,hatte ich Mitleid, bin dann zu ihr zurückgezogen. Es war furchtbar für mich, ganzschrecklich. […] Umdas in einemSatz zusammenzufassen, ich hatte dasGefühl da-mals schon, dass ich mein junges Leben meiner Mutter geopfert habe. Als ich mitdem Studium fertig war und dann auch Geld verdiente, habe ich also wirklich denMut gefasst, habe mir ein kleines Apartment hier gemietet in [Stadt A] und habeihr dann über Umwege irgendwie klar gemacht, dass ich ausziehenwerde.Das warfür sie auch wohl nicht leicht, aber ich […] fuhr jeden Mittag zu ihr dann. So undsie kochte dann für mich, machte die Wäsche, hielt mich auch in Abhängigkeit da-durch, ne. Und meinte, gut, es war bequem, aber sie meinte, sie tut mir dann dengroßen Gefallen und, ähm ... ja, hielt mich dadurch in Abhängigkeit.12 Und wenn ich zum Friedhof fahre, dann mache ich eigentlich immer nur das Grabmeines Vaters, (lächelt) so. Ich habe das Gefühl, ich tue es seinetwegen. Und mei-ne Mutter spielt da keine Rolle. Ich bringe ihm auch frische Blumen zu seinem To-destag, zu seinem Geburtstag. Und für meine Mutter- das tue ich einfach nicht.Manchmal überlege ich, ich weiß gar nicht mehr, wann die gestorben ist (lächelt).So ist das, ist so. Ja, gut, ich sage das, gebe das ehrlich zu. Es ist so. Soll ich lügen?Nee.13 Wenn man doch in Notsituationen gerät, dann schiebt sich ja eigentlich so wieder[…] dieses kindliche Bild von Gott [vor], denn ich glaube, wennman betet, hat manirgendwo diese Hierarchie, diese väterliche Macht, und ich bin irgendwo hilflos,machtlos. […] Und ich kann mich auch erinnern, als mein Lebensgefährte dann soschwer krank wurde, dass diese Gebete, die ich dann gebetet habe, eigentlich auchwieder sehr kindlich waren. [I: Können Sie noch sagen, was Gott heute für Sie be-deutet?] Tja, derwirdmir ganz böse sein,wenn ich ihm sage,was ich von ihmhalte.Ich verstehe seine Logik nicht. Ich weiß, wir sind Menschen und wir sollen’s ja an-geblich nicht verstehen. […] Zum Beispiel das Leid auf dieser Welt, diese Kriege,dieses Abgemetzel, […], warum warum warum muss das so sein? Ich mag’s nichtverstehen. […] Oder auch alte Menschen, die sterben wollen, die können nicht ster-ben und Eltern entreißt man ihre Kinder.14 Als Kind glaubt man irgendwie an diesen lieben Gott, der einem vermittelt wirdundman ist ja so vertrauensselig,man stellt nichts infrage. Dann habe ich den ers-8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 229ten Bruch eigentlich erfahren, als ich konfirmiert wurde oder besser gesagt, als ichmeinenKonfirmandenunterricht hatte. […]Dannbin ichmit Anfang 20 aus derKir-che ausgetreten und ich habe das zwar ganz konsequent getan, aber ichmuss ganzehrlich sagen: Es haben sich so Gefühle eingestellt von ... da ist so ein Netz zerris-sen. Was ich ja vielleicht doch hatte, ohne es mir eingestehen zu wollen. Und dashat so einenMoment gedauert, dass ich dachte: „So, du bist jetzt wurzellos.“ […] Ichhabe mir auch gedacht, um irgendwas zu glauben oder an einen Gott zu glauben,brauche ich die Kirche nicht. Habe an einen Gott geglaubt und habe auch gebetet,das gebe ich auch zu. Dann, muss ich sagen, gab es diesen gravierenden Bruch inmeinemLeben, ich habe alsowirklich umdas Lebenmeines Lebensgefährten gebe-tet, als der seine Operationen hatte. Also wirklich ein Verzweiflungsbeten um seinLeben und er istmir dann ja quasi doch unter denHändenweggenommenworden.So habe ich das empfunden. Ich habe das als so ungerecht empfunden […] unddannhabe ichmitGott oder irgendeinerMacht oderwasauch immergebrochenundseit-dem bete ich nicht mehr. Das nehme ich ihm, sollte es ihn wirklich geben, übel. Bisheute. Ich kriege auch die Kurve nicht. Und dann hat sich meine Einstellung, ohneirgendeinen Gott zu leben, eigentlich auch verfestigt in meinem Leben. Wobei ichsagen muss, was ich noch nicht ganz abgelegt habe, vielleicht auch gar nicht will,ist, dass ich trotzdemglaube, dass es da etwas geben könnte zwischenHimmel undErde.15 Also das war eine Wahnsinnsbelastung und ich war froh, als es vorbei war. Da binich nie wieder in die Kirche gegangen, das war für mich Fakt, das ertrage ich nichtmehr. Ich will aber nicht sagen, dass ich damit so meine Gottgläubigkeit verlorenhätte, so diese kindlich naive, die man dann hat. Ich bin dann aber mit Anfang 20(lächelt) ausderKirche ausgetreten,weil ichmir gesagt habe:KircheundGlaubehatnixmiteinander zu tun. Ich kann auch glauben ohneKirche. […]Dann,muss ich sa-gen, komme ich wieder zu der Erkrankung vonmeinem Lebensgefährten. Da habeich also mit dem Gott, an den ich damals noch geglaubt habe, sehr gehadert. Weilich in ihm ja wirklich, oder wir beide glaubten, die große Liebe unseres Lebens ge-funden zu haben. […] Und nun diese Diagnose Krebs, das hat mich schon arg zwei-feln lassen, ne, ichmeine, nach demDesastermit meiner Ehe nun einenMenschenzu finden, mit dem alles gut lief und der mir dann noch genommen werden sollte.[…] Damals habe ich auch wirklich noch gebetet. […] Ich habe gedacht, durch dieGebete kann ich da ... denn der liebe Gott kann ja nicht so böse sein. Wenn ich sointensiv bete, dann kann ermir das nicht antun und diesenMenschen nehmen. So,diesenMenschen hat ermir aber genommen, […] undmeine Gebete [sind] wirklichungehört [ge]blieben. Und seitdem habe ich dann auch mit dem lieben Gott abge-schlossen.Dieser Schmerz, dermir damals zugefügt wurde, es ist jetzt 17 Jahre her,das habe ich ihm übel genommen. Ich denke, wennMenschen sich wirklich lieben,die auseinanderzureißen durch den Tod, das verzeihe ich dir nie. So, das ist jetztmein Verhältnis zum liebenGott. Ich habemit ihm gebrochenwiemitmeinerMut-ter. […] Ja, ich muss damit leben, wobei ich manchmal schon so nicht so ganz vonder Hand weisen kann, dass es nicht irgendwas zwischen Himmel und Erde gibt.Also ich würde sagen, da gibt es bei mir noch so ein Eckchen im Kopf, wo ich dasdoch vielleicht so einräumenmuss, dass da doch noch was sein könnte.230 Leitmotifs in Life Stories16 Es gibt es vielleicht etwas zwischen Himmel und Erde.17 Ich habe leider nie ganz begriffen, was genau Spiritualität bedeutet.18 Indoktrination.19 Religion ist für mich Indoktrination.20 Ich halte mich eigentlich schon für gläubig, obwohl ich ja mit dem lieben Gott nunhader, aber das heißt ja nicht, dass ich nicht an ihn glaube. [I: Was bedeutet das fürSie?]Dass es nachunseremLeben einfach auchnoch ein sinnvollesWeiterexistierengibt […]. Und auf der anderen Seite muss ich auch sagen: zu wissen, nach dem Todist gar nichtsmehr, […] das ist eigentlich ne so ernüchternde Erkenntnis, dassman-che nicht gutweiterleben können […], aber da spreche ich jetzt wahrscheinlich dochauch eher so für mich. […] Das habe ich eigentlich glaube ich zu keinem Zeitpunktgeglaubt. Ich habe Angst, dass das so sein könnte, aber ichwünschemir schon,dasses eine Existenz nach dem Tod gibt.21 Nach dem, was ich Ihnen jetzt alles erzählt habe, wie würden Sie mich denn ein-sortieren? Ich würde religiös ausschließen. [I: Ich hätte spontan gesagt, Sie sinddurchaus ein bisschen spirituell.] Nee. Wobei bei spirituell weiß ich immer nie sogenau, was das ist. […] [I: Vielleicht eher an was Höheres glauben, unkonkret oderso?]Mhh, ja, da bin ich spirituell. [I: Also undwas bedeutet das für Sie?]Das istmei-ne Religion, sagen wir mal so. Wenn man den Begriff mal ganz weit fasst. Das istdas, was jenseits des wirklichen, aktuellen Lebens vielleicht noch eine Rolle spielt.Ichmeine, dass unser Leben endlich ist, dassmagman zwar nicht gerne haben […],aber irgendwo im Hinterkopf ist das einfach. Und mit diesen Dingen beschäftigtman sich undwenn das Spiritualität ist, ja, ... dann bin ich spirituell. Und das ist soeine kleine Schublade in meinem Leben, sagen wir mal so. […] Habe für mich dannaber eher so das Gefühl, dass Spiritualität mehr sowas Großes, Bombastisches istund so empfinde ich mich da nicht so.22 Ich denke, [Spiritualität] ist so ein ganz watteweicher Begriff. […] Wissen Sie, soBälle.Die werdenmanchmal in die Luft geworfen und sollen so eine Bedeutung ha-ben. Und genau ist das mit spirituell, ähm, da weiß ich wirklich nichts Konkretesmit anzufangen.Was ist jetzt genau spirituell? Religion? Klar habe ich eine Vorstel-lung davon. Auch von Glauben habe ich eine Vorstellung. Aber spirituell? Wenn ichYoga mache und da sitze und irgendwie den Mond anbelle oder, ist das spirituell?Aber damit habe ich nix amHut.23 Und mein Lebensgefährte und ich haben natürlich auch darüber gesprochen unddaswar ein ganz nüchternerMann […] undmit irgendwelchem spirituellen Killefittkonnte der weiß Gott nichts anfangen, […] aber als wir über diese Dinge sprachen[…], da habe ich zu ihm gesagt: „Und wo wirst du dann sein, wenn ich sterbe?“ Unddann hat er zu mir gesagt: „Dann komme ich und hole dich.“ […] Er muss auch anein Leben nach dem Tode geglaubt haben. Ich glaube auch, dass dieser drohendeTod ihm diesen Glauben zurückgebracht hat.24 Dahab ich auch einErlebnis inErinnerung,dasmichdamals sehr tief getroffenhat.Ich war, schätze mal, damals 13, eigentlich auch noch sehr unbedarft, und ich erin-neremich, wir hatten also diesen Gottesdienst, wo wir Konfirmanden vorne in denersten Reihen saßen, es war ne kleine Gemeinde, […] und ich erinnere mich, dassich damals neue Schuhe bekommen hatte und hatte dann, weil ich so stolz war auf8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 231meineSchuhe,hab ichdanndas eineBeinüber das andere geschlagen, […] undhabemir dannmeine neuen Schuhe betrachtetet. […]Und ichwar also ganz versonnen inmeiner Betrachtung und kriegte dann mit, dass also dieser Pastor von seiner Kan-zelmich zurechtwies, vor dieser gesamtenGemeinde, ich solltemichmal anständigbenehmen, undwie ich denn da säße […]. Ich weiß nur, dass ichmir gewünscht ha-be, der Erdboden möge sich auftun und ich darin verschwinden, ich wusste auchhinterher, alle wussten, dass ich gemeint war, […]. Ich war mir im Grunde genom-menkeiner Schuld bewusst,wusste auchnicht,was ich Schlimmes getanhabe, aberder Pastor hatmir das ja irgendwo suggeriert, es war was Schlimmes,was da abge-laufen ist. Das war schon so einschneidend, wo mir also die Kirche nicht mehr ansHerz gewachsen ist, sag ich mal vorsichtig so.25 Dann habe ich den ersten Bruch eigentlich erfahren, als ich konfirmiert wurde oderbesser gesagt, als ich meinen Konfirmandenunterricht hatte. Da ich hier in [StadtA] zur Schule ging, hatte ich nicht die Möglichkeit, mit den anderen Konfirman-den in diesenUnterricht zu gehen.Das heißt, ein früherer Klassenkamerad aus derVolksschule und ich,wirwarendie einzigen,die dannnachmittags denKonfirman-denunterricht hatten. Zu zweit […] mit diesem Pastor, der uns eigentlich nur ge-langweilt irgendetwas von Gott erzählte und von der Bibel und uns drangsaliertemit Dingen, die wir auswendig lernen mussten. Ihm fiel dann teilweise immer soein- sein Gebiss runter und es war alles für so ein junges Mädchen von 14 sehr sehrunangenehm.Und es hat mich eigentlich Religion nicht näher gebracht. Und dannhabe ich also beschlossen nach der Konfirmation: „In diese Kirche gehst du niewie-der.“Unddas habe ich auchwirklich nicht getan,weil ich dachte: „DieKirche istmirnicht nahe, die Institution ,Kirche‘ ist mir nicht nah, sie hat mir nichts gegeben.“26 Also ich bin nicht sehr religiös erzogen worden. Meine Mutter war katholisch, wirKinder waren aber evangelisch,mein Vater auch.Wir sind nie in die Kirche gegan-gen, aber wie das damals war,manwurde konfirmiert. Das war einfach so. Und ichhatte das Pech,dass ich damals […]mit einemanderen ehemaligenKlassenkamera-den in [Stadt A] zum Gymnasium [ging]. Das bedeutete, der Konfirmandenunter-richt fand bei uns nicht morgens statt, in den ersten zwei Stunden, […] deswegenkriegten wir extra Ersatzkonfirmandenunterricht nachmittags. […] Der war dannbei schönstem Wetter, wenn andere im Freibad waren […]. Zwei Personen, dieser[J.] und ich, wir saßen dann dem Pastor gegenüber, dem immer so das Gebiss gele-gentlich runterfiel, der sehr gelangweilt war. Schrecklich. Ich habe ganz furchtbareErinnerungenandiesenMann. Ichweißnicht,derwar januneinKirchenmannundeigentlich sollte er doch dieMenschen davon überzeugen.Das Gegenteil ist der Fallgewesen. IchhabenurmeineKonfirmationherbeigesehnt,wowir dann so imÜbri-gennochwahnsinnig unterDruck standen.Wirmussten ganz,ganz viel auswendiglernen. Auchmit der Androhung, es gab eine öffentliche Prüfung in der Kirche, vordem ganzen Presbyterium, vor dem Auditorium in der Kirche. Also die Kirchenbe-sucher und dannwurdenwir geprüft. EineWahnsinns Angst. […] Und dann immerdieDrohung […]: „Undwenndudie Prüfungnicht schaffst, fällst dudurchundwirstnicht konfirmiert.“ […] Also daswar eineWahnsinns Belastung und ichwar froh, alses vorbei war. Da bin ich nie wieder in die Kirche gegangen, das war für mich Fakt,das ertrage ich nicht mehr.232 Leitmotifs in Life Stories27 Tugenden, die ich wertschätze, das ist so ja Authentizität, dassman eigentlichmanselbst bleibt, dass man sich nicht verbiegt, hat auch was mit Ehrlichkeit zu tun,Glaubwürdigkeit, auchZivilcourage istwas,was ich sehrhochhalte, ja das sindDin-ge, die sindmir sehr wichtig. Ichwill nicht behaupten, dassmir das immer gelingt,aber das sind schon so sehr erhabene Ziele, nach denen man so streben kann, wirdman nicht erreichen. […] Ich bemühe mich darum ehrlich zu sein oder ich bemü-he mich, ich selbst zu bleiben, mich nicht zu verbiegen, bloß weil es irgendwelcheStrömungen gesellschaftlicher Art von mir verlangen oder wollen, und auch dazustehe und auch denMut dazu habe zumir selbst zu stehen.28 This is a dimension that was not described by Graham and colleagues (2011) in theirmodel of moral intuitions; rather, it was a new finding from the material in thecourse of the development of the ATLAS.ti coding guideline.29 Och,durch Toleranz. Ichfinde,manmuss sich nicht einig sein, ichmuss demande-renseinenGlauben lassenundrespektieren.Wennerdamitglücklichundzufriedenist und ihn das erfüllt und ausfüllt, und seinem Leben auch einen Sinn gibt, dannmuss ich einfach Toleranz walten lassen, da ich denke das ist Priorität.30 [I:Wie sieht Ihr Ideal reifenGlaubens aus oder eine reife Antwort auf Fragenmit ei-ner existentiellen Bedeutung?] Ichwürde sagen, ich halteWerte hoch und vielleichtsindWerte auch eine existentielle Bedeutung.So zumBeispiel Ehrlichkeit,Aufrich-tigkeit, Authentizität. […] Wenn ich mir Werte schaffe und auch versuche, danachzu leben, was nicht immer gelingt. Das weiß ich auch.31 Durch Toleranz. Ich lasse den anderen einfach leben in seiner Anschauung.Also ichwehre mich gegen jede Radikalität und jede Missionierungstätigkeit. Ich möchtenicht missioniert werden und ich will andere auch nicht missionieren. Ich denke,mit einem größeren Maß an Toleranz könnte man einfach solche Konflikte lösen.Indem man einfach dem zugesteht: „Du darfst ruhig glauben, was du willst. Ichglaubeesnicht.Aber ichnehmedasgleicheRecht fürmichauch inAnspruch.Möch-te auch, dass das respektiert wird und dassman nichtmich versucht, zu bekehren.“32 Ichmöchte noch vorausschicken, damit das Bild vonmir nicht,wenn ichmich dazuäußere, einseitig erscheint. Ich halte mich eigentlich nicht für fremdenfeindlich,mein Mann, den ich mal geheiratet habe, war [Nationalität R]. Mein jetziger Le-benspartner ist [Nationalität T]. Die Freunde von meinem Sohn sind international[…].33 Also ich halte mich wirklich nicht für fremdenfeindlich, aber wenn man das Buch[Neukölln ist überall] gelesen hat und ich habe jetzt auch noch zwei andere Büchervon dem Udo Ulfkotte, der sich mit dem Problem beschäftigt und der sich also imOrient und mit der Lebensweise sehr gut auskennt, weil er auch lange da gelebthat, dannwirdmir wirklich Angst und Bange,was uns hiermal blühen könnte.Mirnicht mehr, aber meinen Kindern und Enkelkindern, wenn man die Taktik kennt,mit denen radikale Muslime versuchen, dieWelt zu übernehmen. Und dannmerkeich einfach anmir eine Tendenz, die ich früher nie gehabt habe. Das geht jetzt aberwirklich nur um radikale Leute.34 For a synopsis of different reviews of the book “Neukölln is everywhere,” see https://www.perlentaucher.de/buch/heinz-buschkowsky/neukoelln-ist-ueberall.html8. Carola—Abandonment and Self-Perceived Growth 233(last retrieved: 2021–05-19). For a discussion of Ulfkotte’s work, see Jaschke et al.(2004).35 Packen Sie mich nicht in die rechtsradikale Ecke. Ich glaube, da gehöre ich nichthin und da will ich auch nicht hin. Aber ich möchte nicht, dass wir uns viele Dingegefallen lassen müssen, die einfach auch nicht rechtens sind. So.36 Ja ... ich hab’s wieder immer mit Fairness. Also dass man versucht, Menschen mitFairness zu begegnen.Auchwenn einemdas eine oder andere nicht passt, aber sichdrum zu bemühen, fair mit ihnen umzugehen. Auch wenn sie irgendwo einem ge-rade mal bitter aufstoßen, ne. Also ich denke, Fairness ist eigentlich ein wichtigesWort in meinem Leben. Wobei Toleranz, da befinde ich mich so gerade da etwasauf Abwegen. (lächelt) Ich weiß nicht, ob das noch angesprochen wird, aber da binich auch ganz ehrlich zu mir selbst. Ich glaube, ich habe viel Toleranz, mein Sohnhat mir das mal gesagt: „Mama, bis dir der Draht aus der Mütze geht, das dauertganz schön lange.“ Glaube ich auch, dass ich ganz viel Geduld haben kann, aber esgibt Situationen, das hat nix mit Familie, Freundeskreis, nix zu tun, das hat mehrso mit dem politischen Spektrum zu tun ... Punkt.37 Ichglaube,undda istmeineToleranzmittlerweile sehr begrenzt,dasswir dieses so-genannte Flüchtlingsproblemnicht bewältigen könnenmit unserenMöglichkeiten,die wir imMoment haben. Ich glaube, ich kann das auch ein bisschen konkretisie-ren, vielleicht haben Sie in IhremKopf jetzt gerade die Ecke,wo Sie die Prämisse soin die Nazi-Ecke reinpacken oder rechts außen und rechtspopulistisch und so wei-ter. [I: Nee, nee, ich höre erst mal nur zu.] Sie hören nur zu, ne? [I: Ja] Gut. Ich weißaber, dass junge Leute anders denken. Ich muss mal eines auch noch vorausschi-cken. Mein Sohn und ich, wir klammern Politik total aus, […]. Wir sind wirklich inunseren Ansichten absolut gegensätzlich. […] Ich versuche, meinen Sohn auch zuverstehen, wobei er nicht versucht, mich zu verstehen, das unterstelle ich einfachmal. Ähm, ich hatte immer ein sehr offenes Haus bei mir Zuhause. Undmein Sohnhatte einen großen Kellerraum für sich und sehr viele Freunde unterschiedlichsterNationalitäten.38 Aber eine Flutung unseres Landes, was man auch ja überall sieht, im Stadtbild, dieUrsachen undwie die hierherkommen undwarum sie hierherkommen und sowei-ter,das allesmal außen vor. Ich denkenur,unsereGesellschaft verändert sich derartund nicht nur zum Guten. […] Meine Freundin, so alt wie ich, von drei schwarzenjungen Männern ... die kamen auf sie zu, hatten die Griffel schon an ihr und ha-ben zu ihr gesagt: „Ah, weiße Frau, nicht beschnitten, gute Matratze.“ Und hattenwirklich die Pfoten schon an ihr. Das sind so Erfahrungen. […] Das ist Basisden-ken. Ich habe es ja hier noch gut und trotzdem nehme ich ja die Dinge wahr, ichweiß was, kriege mit, was passiert, kriege mit, wie es meinem kleinen Enkel in derSchule geht, von welchen Leuten er angemacht wird, welche ihn unter Druck set-zen, welche ihn erpressen, welche ihm das Handy geklaut haben und so weiter undso weiter. Mein Sohn, der mir ja so undercover, sage ich mal, den Vorwurf macht,dass ich eine rassistische Einstellung hätte, […] der sieht die Zusammensetzung inder Klasse seines Sohnes mittlerweile sehr, sehr kritisch. […] Ich bin einfach zu altgeworden,umblauäugig ineine solcheUmformungunsererGesellschaftnochmich234 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesreinfallen zu lassenund sagen: „Oh,es ist alleswunderbar undMultikulti undglobalund so weiter.“ Nein.39 Ich habe ja auch nichts gegen Türken oder so, ich habe einfachwas gegen diesen Is-lamismusmit diesen verschleierten Frauen,wodieMänner diewirklich unter dieseZelte zwingen.Das istwas,wovor ichmich fürchte.Dann kriegendieKinder […] amlaufenden Meter. Sie werden unser Land einnehmen, indem sie mehr Kinder krie-gen. Das ist für mich ein Rechenexempel. Das können Sie nicht mehr verhindern.Und ich habe nichts dagegen, dass auch Türken oder auch verschleierte Frauen un-ter uns leben.Nur,wirwerden irgendwann in derMinderheit sein.Denn einen gro-ßenVorwurfmache ich unserenRegierungen,Unddas habe ich schon erlebt, als ichkleine Kinder hatte: Man hat es Familien verdammt schwer gemacht, Kinder groß-zuziehen. Dass deutsche Familien sich keine Kinder mehr leisten können, das hatdamit zu tun, dass diese Familien nicht genügend unterstützt werden. […] Wennman es Familien leichter machen könnte, die Betreuung, mehr Geld, dass sie sichdas auch leisten können, auch alleinerziehende Frauen, dass sie nicht in diese Ar-mut fallen, […] dannwürdenDeutsche auchmehrKinder kriegen.Dannwürdemanvielleicht einGleichgewicht schaffen.Aber so schaffenwir einUngleichgewicht, ab-solut zugunsten der Muselmanen, die Kind, nach Kind, nach Kind kriegen. Es isteinfach zu rechnen. 2050, wenn Sie noch leben, dann gucken Sie sich mal um. Ichwüsste nicht, womit man das noch stoppen kann. Jetzt habe ich Sie schockiert, ne?40 Ich denke, damuss jeder die Ansicht des anderen einfach tolerieren.Dasmussmanhinnehmen. Es gibt einfach Dinge, da kann ich andere Leute nicht von meiner An-sicht überzeugen. […] Muss mich mit meinem Sohn ja auch arrangieren. […] Aberdas ist der einzigeMensch inmeinemganzenUmfeld,Freundes-,Verwandtenkreis,[…], glauben Siemir vielleicht nicht, die denken so wie ich.Mein Sohn ist der einzi-ge,der aufderanderenSeite ist. […]WasmeinenSie,wieoft ich imInternet lese,werwieder abgestochen wurde, erschossen wurde. Es sind wirklich Ausländer, Serben,Kroaten,Afghanen, Syrer,wo gerademalwieder die Frauen abgeschlachtet wurden... Jetzt sagen Sie mir nicht, das sind Einzelfälle! Es gibt eine Seite im Internet da,einzelfaelle.de, da gucken Sie mal, wie viel Einzelfälle es in diesem Land gibt. Undwer diese Täter sind. […] Ichwill auch nicht immer sagenmüssen: „Ja,Deutsche tundas auch.“ Ja, weiß ich. […] Es ist ja auch nur dieses eine Spektrum, dieses kultur-fremde, die nicht kompatibel sind mit unserer Kultur und die sich vermehren, äh,unduns, ich bezeichnemich auchnochmal alsChristin, alsUngläubige bezeichnen,die eliminiert werdenmüssen. Das kannman doch nicht tolerieren. So. Punkt.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations,Persisting BeliefsGudrun andWerner are a couple from Germany who have been interviewed three timesin the course of 15 years. After the 2nd World War, they lived as children in the newlyfounded GermanDemocratic Republic (GDR) and fled toWest Germany with their fam-ilies in the 1950s. Both got acquainted with Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW) as children in theGDR because their mothers got involved with the group. Werner and Gudrun met ata Witness congregation in West Germany as young adults, and while he states that hewas never “150% convinced” of the Witnesses’ doctrine, she claims to have been a verystaunch member. After years of marriage and a late and unexpected child, doubts to-ward the Witnesses’ doctrine accumulated, especially articulated byWerner, and finallyled to them both deconverting from that denomination in 1977, after having discussedcontroversially theWitnesses’ prediction of Armageddon for 1975. Later, they started at-tending services of a Charismatic church, which is a group they were in the process ofleaving at the time of the first interview. By time 3,Werner and Gudrun have entered thelife phase of advanced old age and are currently dealingwith the drawbacks that go alongwith that.Werner and Gudrun look back at a long time period of a joint life and jointly livedfaith, which went along with affiliations to different religious groups.1 However, eachof them takes a fundamentally different approach to this important part of their lives,which naturally coincides with conflicts. The chapter will first portray Gudrun and herperspective followed by Werner. After this, both will be compared allowing the identifi-cation of meaningful differences and defining commonalities.236 Leitmotifs in Life Stories9.1 Gudrun—God as a Pillar of Strength“I just have a deep relationship with Jesusand especially, this has just developed overthe last years, I discovered the father. AndI can say ‘Abba,’ ‘Father’ and experiencefatherly love. That makes me very happy.”2WhenGudrun3wasfirst interviewed in 2003, shewas 68 years old. Shewas raised as a Je-hovah’sWitness andmet her future husband in the context of that community.After thatdeconversion, they startedattendingservicesof a charismatic church for awhile.Gudruncherished the personal encounters that went alongwith that new engagement,while herhusband soon started questioning those teachings and rituals.Gudrun followedher hus-bandwhen he turned away from that group, even though she stillmisses the interactionswith other people. At the time of the second interview, Gudrun is 78 years old, and sheand her husband are involved in a kind of self-study of the Bible. Gudrun alsomaintainsa close relationship to a women’s Bible study group without, and even despite, her hus-band. Five years later, at the age of 83, Gudrun was interviewed for a third time. She stillmaintains contact with that group, even though the drawbacks that go along with oldage start taking up more and more space. Not unexpectedly, in her second and third in-terview, she reports health problems that weren’t relevant at age 68.Her role as a grand-mother comes into focus and therefore generativity is a factor in her thinking as well,which was not prominent in her first interview with her daughter being grown-up butnot yet a mother herself.9.1.1 Gudrun’s Life Reviews—Different EmphasesIn her first interview in 2003, Gudrun spends some time on accounting her life with andwithout the Jehovah’sWitnesses,whichmay partly be explained by the fact that the studyher interview was part of had a focus on deconversion stories. As can be illustrated withthe following quote from her narrative interview, it seems as if she did not play an activerole in that process:And we were, since ’75, in a controversial discussion with each other. […] And I thinkthat was part of the reason why we managed this exit so effortlessly. […] Because Iwas the convinced one and felt my husband drifting away more and more. But, yes,what can I say? I have tried to keep him. And I worked with counter arguments. Myhusband then ordered all kinds of literature. And I sensed, when I held the firstbook in my hands, that it is over now. And then I read it all myself, and funnily,in that instance, it fell like scales from my eyes. […] I was still like, “Yes, but this isthe truth.” But then it was really like, “It is over now.”4 (Gudrun, Narrative Interview,time 1)According to theWitnesses’ doctrine, human history was supposed to end in 1975, mak-ingplace forChrist’smillennial reign.With that date inmind,a lot of Jehovah’sWitnesseswould not want to make any plans for after that, and some would, as Gudrun tells it,9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 237even refuse to redecorate their homes, let alone decide to have children. Using the bibli-cal metaphor “like scales from my eyes,” Gudrun describes a moment of enlightenmentthat she has thanks to the careful preparations by her husband.Her efforts to keephim inthe group are described as futile and, eventually, she is convinced and leaves the religiousgroupwith himwith her exclamation “It is over now” sounding resigned and like shewasover-powered in that process.However, at the beginning of the quote, she acknowledgesthat the process of discussions with her husbandmade their exit easier in hindsight.It is noteworthy that she only talks about her deconversion experience when she isdirectly asked for it by the interviewer at time 2.Theway she portrays her husband’s rolein the process is very similar, but there is a new element that was not mentioned at time1:And then there was this time of upheaval with the Witnesses and this end-of-timescenario in ’75, […] when we started contemplating a lot, especially my husband,I worked strongly against all this back then. For me, it was plainly the truth, theWitnesses. That was the right thing. […] Oh yes, and then there were these col-leagues, who were active in their parish, pious people, I would say. And they mademe realize that they are perfectly normal people, nice people. And then I becamepregnant at age 42, […]. And this was the starting signal for our exit from the Wit-nesses. The pregnancy played a big role in this process. […] My husband has alwaysbeen the leading one and he was always the first to notice when there was a flyon the ointment (laughs). With the Witnesses, he was the one who got us out, Imust admit that.5 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)Here, she talks about her colleagues she got alongwith sowell, even though theywere notWitnesses. This suggests and autonomous moment within her deconversion process, arevelation shemadeonherown,anda certainopenness and tolerance towardpeoplewhomay not share her exact faith (even though it seems that her horizon is mostly limited tothe realm of faithful people). The pregnancy as an important factor is mentioned herefor the first time.What lies beneath this might be the topos of a certain conventionality,since a pregnancy is bound to go along with changes onmultiple levels andmight there-fore help to explain their radical step. Again, Gudrun admits that their exit was mainlyher husband’s achievement with her working against it, albeit without convincing argu-ments.Her position in these discussions is reduced to her being convinced that theWit-nesses’ doctrine was “the right thing,”which unsurprisingly is not a satisfying argumentfor her husband as will be seen inWerner’s case study.Let’s see how she talks about her time with the Jehovah’s Witnesses at time 3:In the meantime, we deconverted from the Witnesses, I just forgot to mention that,that comes in between. That was in the 70s. I was over 40 and suddenly becamepregnant. And somehow this was one of the triggers that made us say—. Well, itwas especially my husband who always had problems with the Witnesses. Fromthe beginning, he would say: “If I marry this one, I will also be married to theWitnesses.” So he indirectly always blamed me for everything more or less, that’show I feel it. I always say: “But you married me, not the time with the Witnesses.”(laughing) But that’s how it was. Well, he was always bemoaning this because he238 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessensed he surrendered himself to a cause, which he didn’t want to do. But I haveto add, I’m basically a person who is easy to influence. When I hear somethingthat seems interesting, I’m like, “yeah, okay,” when (smiling) I hear something else,then it’s like—. But, like I said, the enthusiasm later after the deconversion fromthe Witnesses and then this Charismatic scene here, this had a great influence.6(Gudrun, FDI, time 3)At this timepoint, the deconversion from the Jehovah’s Witnesses has become an anec-dote among other, more important life events. It is interesting to see how the emphasisof this narration has changed again. The pregnancy as a trigger is mentioned as well,but what gets more attention is the strained relationship with her husband. She returnsto the beginning of that relationship to illustrate how being a member of the Witnesseshas overshadowed all those years of marriage. It seems like a theme that has weaved itsthread through their whole marriage with her husband constantly referring to that ini-tial “mistake” of marrying her despite her membership in that group. (The complicatedrelationship with her husband will be discussed in more detail in the following section.)Again, one does not learn much about why she stayed within that group, and her beliefsystem remains unspecified. What one does hear is that she is a person who is ready tobelieve and even describes herself as credulous, giving a biographical background infor-mation which serves as an autobiographical argument.This might serve as an explana-tion for her general readiness to adapt to new groups and adopt their beliefs and evenattempts at taking away some of the blame by naming this personality trait as some-thing that is constant throughout her biography and therefore not changed easily. Also,this quote illustrates a way Gudrun looks at herself that has developed over the years.She is more conscious of her own personality and seems to embrace what her husbandmight describe as a weakness by making it her own. This adds a momentum of auton-omy to Gudrun’s self-presentation that was not present at time 1 and started coming tothe surface at time 2. By being able to follow Gudrun reconstructing her own biographyat three different points in time, one is able to see how this subjective recollection of herpast changes over time aswell.Gudrun is a brilliant example for a personwho is themas-ter of her own history, even though some of the new insights occur at a rather late pointin her life time.Looking at the times and circumstances Gudrun was raised in, this is not necessar-ily natural.The women of her age cohort were not usually taught to be autonomous, andthe role of women in society in the 1950’s and 1960’s was still relatively conservative andtraditional in Germany. However, Gudrun completed a vocational training and claimsto have always earned money from her professional labor. In her second interview, shetalks about this part of her life. When asked for important events, she discusses her jobbecause it provided the opportunity to meet different important persons, which she rel-ished. What is remarkable about this is that the parts of the interview where she talksabout her professional activity always go along with some statement concerning her au-tonomy:And then I had this job, started as a small lab assistant because they needed oneand I thought, “This is a chance” and then took over that position and was appointed9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 239for [job A] by the company [X]. […] And that time was very formative for me becauseI had a group of colleagues and experienced an (sighs), ah, unbelievable freedom,especially thanks to the colleagues and the work that I had there. […] I grew intothat. I was an autodidact because I didn’t know much of the things, […] and had towork my way through many projects. […] And especially some very difficult things,I got myself into it and then it worked.7 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)Working as a woman at that time was not the norm in West Germany, especially whenchildrenwere involved.Themajority of the womenmaintained the household or workedpart-timeat themost, therebybeingdependent on their husbands’ incomeand support.8Accordingly, she is proud of what she built for herself. She managed to climb the careerladder out of her own efforts. Labeling herself as a (very successful) autodidact is a directandverypositive self-characterizationwhich emphasizeshowproud she is, inhindsight,of what she has achieved in her career. Moreover, she gives credit to her colleagues forproviding her with the supportive surroundings to experience a feeling of freedom out-side of her religious community and hermarriage.This part of her life is something thatshe did not discuss in her first interview and certainly not with this sort of evaluation.It could be hypothesized that this re-modeling of her life narrative, and a re-definitionof her life as a whole might be a late attempt at re-writing her own history with the im-plicit question being, “How do I want to be remembered?” This could be explained withthoughts of generativity by thinking of her owndaughter andher children, since not onlythe decline of one’s own body becomes more prominent in old age, but also, as Erikson(see Erikson&Erikson, 1998) puts it in her explanations on the concept of “gerotranscen-dence,” the possibility to expand one’s sense of self “to include a wider range of interre-lated others” (p. 124).This interpretation is supported by what she tells about that part ofher life in her third interview:And so I got the chance to work as a photographer with company [X] […]. I haveto repeat this, that was the best time of my life in this company. Great colleagues,great team spirit, interesting tasks. As a photographer, I was responsible for any-thing you can think of. I had to take pictures of products, in the lab, in research,technology, but also anniversaries and the company’s newspaper. So, like, a broadvariety. And that was really varied and great.9 (Gudrun, FDI, time 3)This recollection ismore condensed than in the second interview and puts a focus on herown achievements. She seems very proud of the variety of tasks she was responsible forandwhich she accomplished all by herself. At this timepoint, not only was the time at thecompany “formative,” but even “the best time of my life.”This might be an exaggeration,painting the past in more happy colors with growing temporal distance, but it is still in-teresting to see how this very secularworkplace obviously overshadows, in a positiveway,all her other experiences in a positive way.Overall it seems that Gudrun is aware of the fact that she has reached the last seasonof her life and sees all the drawbacks that go along with that. She speaks of becomingdeafer and about the fear that some kind of dementia is looming on the horizon.Perhapsshe sees her chance at leaving a legacy for her descendants that ismore her own,making240 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesher life reviewmore autonomous and less focused on the joint life with her husband andmore on her own autonomous achievements.As has been suggested above, the relationship with her husband seems to be of im-portance, also regarding her affiliationwith religious communities.The next sectionwilltherefore take a closer look at that relationship.9.1.2 Gudrun’s Relationship with Werner—Growing Independent with AgeThe difficult marriage with her husband is mentioned in Gudrun’s interviews with vary-ing and intensifying explicitness. She is vague about hermarriage at time 1, even thoughshe does admit to having lived through some difficult times:Times of crisis, of course, there were some, in our marriage. […] I cried a lot duringmy marriage. [I: What happened to you at these times?] I can say I always found myway back, found comfort, even when push came to shove. You get more sensitiveand petty with age. I can go to God with all of this and hold it out to him and Ifeel all comforted and carried and I know there is a way. […] [I: How have theseexperiences affected you?] On the one hand, I am bound to God, more than ever.On the other hand, more importantly, I learned to forgive the one who hurt meand that was a feeling of great liberation.10 (Gudrun, FDI, time 1)Her marriage is described as crisis-ridden, and she mentions being hurt and crying of-ten. But what takes more room is the way she copes with this situation and the difficulthusband. To that end, she has a stable relationship to God, even though this relationshipis described as being “bound,” implying that there is a certain dependency, presumablydue to the lack of other reliable relations, and she knows she can rely on Him to be com-forted.On the foundationof this security, shehasdevelopedaway to forgiveher husbandwhen he does not treat her well. This is a rather vague description, and by speculatingabout a potentially higher level of sensitivity going along with older age, she takes partof the blame for the situation.We do not learn anything about any attempts to confronther husband, to understand him, or to change him or the situation.This topic gets moreattention at time 2:There were times of crisis during the marriage. (long pause) When I really thoughtI have to run away. (laughs) But the good thing between the two of us is that wecould always reconciliate with each other and nowadays it’s like … I have to behonest with you, my husband sometimes is … He had an awful childhood and areally bad time during adolescence; he cannot love. He cannot show me with onegesture that he likes me. He just can’t. He can’t. He puts it like that himself, hecan’t. And so it’s like, he often insults and hurts me. Because he has such a roughattitude. (laughs while speaking) I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that here, butthat’s the way it is. And the thing is, I pray for being able to see him as Jesus seeshim. Because Jesus loves him. And he loves Jesus. I know that. And so, the lovefor him is given to me. And I can better deal with his manners. I’m astonishedmyself sometimes: in the past, I would sulk for days when there was a bad phaselike that. And I was offended and did not talk to him anymore. That’s not the case9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 241anymore. I can now immediately, let’s say, swallow it, but I know that does notcome from myself; that is something that’s given to me. And that’s an answer tomy prayers: “Grant me the love that I need for him right now.” (claps her hands)Because, actually, he is a poor guy, when you know where this all comes from, inwhat kind of iron armor he’s trapped and can’t get out of, … (long pause) … he isjust a human, a human of intellect, and I owe him a lot. I know I would not havemade such a development without him.11 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)Again, she admits tohaving lived throughhard timesduringhermarriage andevenmen-tions thoughts of leaving.The fact that she is laughingwhen she is talkingabout thehard-ships of hermarriage and the parenthesis of “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that here”suggests that she does not feel comfortable talking about that to a stranger, which im-plies that this is a very private and sensitive topic; however, she decides to open up aboutthat anyway,whichmight be seen as away of copingwith the situation.Gudrun also talksabout reconciliation,which implies that theremay be effortsmade fromWerner’s side aswell. What takes up more room than in her first interview is her attempt to understandher husband’s unloving nature and find reasons for his inability to show affection.Nam-ing his abusive childhood as the reason behind his behavior serves as an autobiograph-ical argument (by proxy) and implies important biographical background information;moreover, what she hints at is a vicarious life story (Panattoni &Thomsen, 2018), whichserves the purpose to reinforce her patience and compassion and leads her to trying tojustify her husband’s behavior and defend him and herself against a possibly critical in-terviewer, who might have questioned her decision to stay with him. Emphasizing that“he puts it like that himself, he can’t” suggests that the conflict is tackled by the couple ona regular basis, which is new information (or simply was not the case at time 1). Her wayof coping with this ongoing difficult situation is described inmore detail and is justifiedwithin both her own and her husband’s shared belief in Jesus. Praying helps her to for-give him, and she feels endowed byGodwith the ability to love.Thereby, the role her faithhas in her daily life becomes apparent. It is not only consolation, but a practical meansof coping with contingency (Kaufmann, 1989). Interestingly, this point is made strongerby her explanation of a self-perceived development in which she was not always able totake this forgiving stance, but over the years, she seems to have grown within her faithand her marriage. To wrap up the paragraph that deals with crisis during her marriage,she pleads for sympathy for her husband and stresses his good sides by pointing out thebenefitshis intellectual approach to thingshashadonher andherpersonal development.At time 3, when asked for crises, she speaks about her marriage again:Yes, times of crisis, during the marriage. My husband always got his way against mywill and did things I could not comprehend. […] But I had to understand that—andI must say, I only got to really understand that recently, even though I always knewit: He had a very bad childhood. He really suffered under his father, from these cir-cumstances with divorce and everything. And that harmed him to the bone. Andthat still haunts him today. And I had to understand that he had this lovelessnesswithin him and … he cannot show love. […] But the other side is that I have nowinternalized this. I used to bemoan this, since, as a woman, you want to get affec-tion, […]. But I know anyway that he stands by me and he appreciates and likes me.242 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAnd I understood that he needs a lot of love. And I have to gather the strength tolove him as he is. (laughs) Yes, and I have to tell you that, I have always been astubborn person. I stood up against that, I fought with him, had battles and dis-cussions without end. But I know that it’s no good. And I now feel like this is agreat gift, even though really bad confrontations lie behind us. […] And I can nowreach out to him and hug him. And I notice that this is good for him. (laughs) Yes,that’s a great gift for me to be able to do that. I wasn’t always able to, though.Back in the days, I used to stop talking to him for three days when something badhad happened. But now I can say it: Forget it! But of course, that takes a lot ofenergy again and again.12 (Gudrun, FDI, time 3)At first, she points out again how much influence her husband has had on her and howimbalanced her relationship has been over the years.The realization thatWerner’s child-hood is the reason behind his behavior is characterized as a mandatory development (“Ihad to understand that […] I only got to understand that recently”). The insight into thedegree of harm these childhood experiences have done to her husband seemsmore pro-found than at time 2. On the other hand, she grants herself more room and admits thatshewould have hoped formore frequent gestures of affection, thereby referring to a gen-eralized cultural concept of how one would wish to be treated “as a woman” to underlinethe naturalness of that wish. She also hints to a changed perception of that situation.While she used to bemoan this lack of kindness, she is now able to see that he appreci-ates her anyway. Most interesting here is the way she portrays herself. While at time 2,she described herself as “offended” and having “sulked for days,” she now says she has al-ways been a “stubborn person”who stands up to her husband.This grants herself amoreactive and less victimized role and paints a picture of a more autonomous, even rebel-lious woman, which fits well with her concluding sentence saying that this takes a lot ofenergy.Out of her own effort, she is nowable to shape hermarriagewithout diminishingthe effort it took and still takes to do so. God or any other form of transcendence is notpresent in this account, which is a difference to those from time 1 and 2.Consistently over the years, her husband is described as the leading person in theirrelationship andmakes important life decisions for them both, especially when it comestoquestions of religion,which canbe exemplifiedwith this quote fromherfirst interviewwhen Gudrun talks about the Charismatic group they were still attending at that time:Oh yes. He has more problems with that [group]. He sees that more rationally per-haps. I can excuse some things. I see the human beings behind all of it and thinkthat they don’t mean harm. I mean, I say things sometimes and make mistakestoo. Perhaps my husband is able to judge it all better. I don’t know. But—. Well.13(Gudrun, Narrative Interview, time 1)This illustrates the difference between Gudrun and Werner, as Gudrun sees it: whileWerner takes a more critical perspective and gets wary when he senses flaws in theteachings for example, Gudrun can accept those more easily because she sees the per-sons behind all this and can forgive mistakes. From her interviews, it can be concludedthat she probably would not have left any of the religious communities out of her ownaccord because she always valued the community itself higher than their actual teach-9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 243ings.This contrast becomesmore accentuated over the years, as can be seen in this quotefrom Gudrun’s time 2 interview:My husband basically always is the leading one and is always the first to noticethe fly on the ointment (laughs). With the Witnesses, he was the one who got usout, I have to admit that. The same goes for the Charismatic movement, where heagain was the one who said, “Listen, something’s not right here” and that’s … yes. Ifelt really comfortable there and for me that was a slump because he really workedagainst it to free me from these activities and … for me that was—(quietly) it is stilla very hard time. I cried a lot. Because I always thought I’d lose my faith and havenothing left. Because I always thought, “That’s it! That’s the only way to cultivateor practice your faith … within that community.”14 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)Here, the contrast is interesting between the way their exit from the Witnesses is de-scribed (“he got us out”) and the way she talks about having to leave behind the Charis-matic group, inwhich she felt comfortable andwhichwas important for her way of prac-ticing her faith since this always was connected with a community in Gudrun’s estima-tion. In this quote, the hard times she mentions are not directly attributed to her hus-band’s rigid regime but more closely connected with the fear of losing her faith. Eventhough the following analysis will show that Gudrun’s faith has stayed constant in itscore independent from any formal or informal group membership, the fear she voicesunderlines that she would probably have been able to ignore or accept some intellectualcontroversies for the sake of a stable and harmonious community. By time 3, it seemsGudrun has found a way to meet this need for community, not without a certain degreeof satisfaction:He has always shaped me. And what my husband said was to be done. There wasno room for objection. And so I often surrendered for the sake of peace and quietand did what he told me to. And like I said, a lot of that was right and good, butat the moment I’m fighting, I have to say that, to get out of this tight attachment.He has the greatest problems with the fact that I meet other women, because hedoesn’t know what is happening there. And he (smiles) just doesn’t understand thatall we do is chat.15 (Gudrun, FDI, time 3)While she still emphasizes the roleWerner has played in shaping her opinions and deci-sions, thereby also conceding that some of it was in fact for her benefit, at this late stagein her life, she is currently fighting to free herself from this constellation by showing adegree of autonomy and emancipation that also became visible in the other quote fromher time 3 interviewabove. Inher last sentence, it seems that she relishes the fact that shehas a community that her husband is not (and, given the nature of the group, could neverbe) part of and that he does not understand by having created a space just for herself andher needs.244 Leitmotifs in Life Stories9.1.3 Gudrun’s Subjective Religiosity and her Image of GodGudrun’s Subjective ReligiosityIt is undebatable that Gudrun is a faithful woman, yet her self-identification changesslightly. At wave 1, she states in the survey that she is “more religious than spiritual,”and at wave 2, she chooses to identify as “equally religious and spiritual.” At wave 3, shechooses “more religious than spiritual” again. Unfortunately, she only gave her defini-tions for “spirituality” and “religion” at wave 2 (at wave 1, the “free entries” were not yetpart of the survey). Togetherwith her answer to question 20 in the FDI (“Do you consideryourself a religious, spiritual, or faithful person?”), it is possible to get a multi-facetedimpression of the way she views her own religiosity over the years.Wave 1: In the interview, she firmly rejects the term “spiritual” to characterize herself.While she considers being religious too closely connectedwith fanaticism,calling herselffaithful seems tooweak.Yet, that is the termsheopts for in the end,filling itwith the coreprinciples of Christian faith and calling herself a “convinced Christian.” This makes herself-assessment in the survey as “more religious than spiritual” questionable, indicatingit was probably chosen due to a lack of alternatives.Wave 2: Her affirmation for the term “religious” is very emphatic. She finds all of theterms offered fitting to describe her. She goes one step further and says she would noteven mind being called “pious,” which she obviously considers to be stronger than “reli-gious” and marked with a negative connotation. More important for her is the fact thatshe feels connected to Christianity. Her answers align smoothly with her survey data,since she self-identified as “equally religious and spiritual” and, in her free entries, de-fines spirituality and religion as different aspects of the same phenomenonwith the for-mer being the more personal practice and the latter the superstructure.Wave 3: In this quote, Gudrun explicates what being religious means for her: believingand trusting in God and in Jesus.This has not been directly named in her previous state-ments and sheds light on her image of God, which is that of a leading and benevolentGod whom she can rely on. “Spiritual” is not taken up in this answer, and consequently,her self-assessment in the survey identifies her as “more religious than spiritual.”9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 245Table27:DataonGudrun’sReligiosityGudrunwave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:mentalconnectionwithGod,bypraying16spirituality:notansweredfreeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:unificationofpeoplewhothinkaboutGodandtheworld17religion:notansweredself-assessmentmorereligiousthanspiritualequallyreligiousandspiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyouconsideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?[I:Doyouconsideryourselfreligious,faithful,orspiritual?](Laughs)Definitelynotthelastone.Erm,I’drathernotchoosereligiousbecausereligiouspeople—that’ssomethingfanatic.[…]Well,that’swhatIlinkthatto.[I:Wouldfaithfulbethecorrecttermthen?]Faithfulalmostsoundstooweakforme(laughs).[I:Okay.Howwouldyoucharacterizeyourselfthen?]ConvincedChristian.(Laughs)Faithful,IbelieveinGod.Ibelieveintheresurrection.18[I:Doyouconsideryourselfreligious…]Yes![Oreitherspiritualorfaithful?]Everything.Abitofeverything.[…]So,Iamfaithful,Iamspiritual[andreligious.][I:Andwhatdoesthatmeanforyou?][…]Ilikebeinginthisrole.Andifsomeonepointsthefingerandsays,“See,herecomesthepiouswoman,”thenIdon’tcareaboutthataswell.[…]Butyes,ingeneral,religiousfitsbetter.[I:ThatmeansyoufeelconnectedtoChristianity.]Yes.19Religious,yes.Well,yes,that’sverypro-nounced.So,thelastquestionwas—faithful?Faithfulbelongstothataswell,right?[I:Ex-actly,faithful,andalsospiritualwasinthequestion,yes.]Ibelieveand…andthisfaith,thatthereisoneGodandthatJesuswillfaceusasaperson,assavior,asbrother,andwhatever,shepherd.Thismakesmereligious,believinginHim.(smiles)Yes.[I:Whatdoesthatmeanforyou?]Thiscarriesme,yes,that’sgood.20246 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesOverall, the statement from her second interview sounds more self-confident thanthat fromherfirst. Interesting tonote is that inherfirst interview,she rejects being“spir-itual.” For Gudrun with her rather conservative religious background, this seems to be aterm she cannot identify with since for her, it is presumably associated with new age oresotericism. Over the years, it seems that Gudrun has detached herself a bit from labelsof any sort.While at time 1 and 2, she is preoccupiedwith putting somedistance betweenher and other people (e.g. those who are “religious” at time 1 or those that would pointthe finger and call her “pious” at time 2), she seems to be more focused on herself andthe content of her personal belief. Her definitions of spirituality and religion at time 2seem technical, yet mirror what she talks about in the interview. At this time, her self-assessment, which was different than before and after, generally displays her affiliationwith religiosity but does not satisfyingly express how she sees herself. For Gudrun, thismeans that her religiosity is less determined by her affiliations andmore by her personaland strongly felt belief inGod and Jesus.As has become apparent in theRelationshippara-graph above,Gudrun used to cherish and nowmisses a form of community praxis whichwould probably be part of her religious life if it was not for her husband.Gudrun’s Image of GodThat being said, it is interesting to see if and how Gudrun’s image of God has changedover time. As has been indicated above, she sees God (and Jesus) as someone she can relyon, but the emphasis changes over time:I seem to have a basic trust, it came to me naturally. […] So, I have a religiousbackground. […] Basically I can say, there was always… Even with the Witnesses Ialways had times, I have to admit that, times of need or problems or times of crises.In which I got no answer from God. I prayed and everything just stayed the same.[…] But this basic trust, it just remained. [I: What does God mean to you today?]That He is the Creator and my Father. I can say, “Abba,” “Father.”21 (Gudrun, FDI,time 1)I just have a deep relationship with Jesus and especially—and this is a develop-ment of the last few years—that I discovered the Father. And that I can say “Abba,”“Father” and experience fatherly love. That makes me very happy. […] [I: And it hasn’talways been like that?] No. It was even, when I was in camps or workshops—, […]and I remember struggling with one of the group leaders, “I want to experiencethis closeness as the others experience it and I don’t hear anything and […] I never,never had this experience.” And I always said, “This has to be given to me. I have toexperience this as well. […]” And there never was anything. And when I had partedways with this whole topic, I suddenly sensed Jesus’ proximity. And now there’s thisdevelopment toward the Father, let’s say, for the last two to three years. […] I justfeel sheltered and have this deep certainty that I am guided and that He standsby me and especially I often experience that he hears my prayers. Especially whenI’m in a difficult situation.22 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)So, my worldview itself has… I mean, for example I always believed (smiles) inthe evolution theories and, I mean, not in the six days, but […]. And this realizationabout the evolution and so on, that knocked me off my feet, so to say. Insofar myworldview has changed. […] I mean, in the beginning I had problems sometimes,9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 247but now, for me that’s crystal clear just what it’s like. And my image of God is notaffected at all by all of this, because that has always been my support; I knew Iwas in Jesus’ hands and that I knew I was sheltered and held. […] When I left theWitnesses for example there was this moment of liberation, gosh!, that’s the man!And he will hold you. And it has been like this in all phases basically. And now,reading Eugen Biser, who says in the end: what the Church needs to recognize isthat it has to abandon this punishing God and has to recognize that He is a Godof infinite love. […] And that’s totally convincing for me.23 (Gudrun, FDI, time 3)In her first interview,Gudrun reveals a biographical background information that servesas a strong autobiographical argument throughout her entire interview. She has a reli-gious socialization which is responsible for the basic trust she has carried all of her life,even in times of adversity when she did not get any response to her prayers.The prevail-ing belief in God as her Creator obviously still helped her through these hard times.In her second interview, Jesus ismore in the focus while God is again directly namedas Father. Gudrun describes a development that she supposedly went through regardingher own image of God. It is interesting to see here that her development toward seeingGod as a fatherly figure is connected with her leaving certain contexts (which she doesnot name directly, but since she narrows it down to the last two or three years it seemsplausible to assume that the Charismatic parish was “the whole topic” she parted with).She describes how she longed to have that experience like “the others” and was nevergranted her wish. Possibly this describes a sort of alienation with the group because shefeels like an outsider. Interestingly, when she describes what God does for her, it is notthat different from what she talked about at time 1. Nevertheless, in reconstructing thisimportant part of her life, for Gudrun it feels like there has been a substantial changewhich has happened rather recently.Her statement at time 3 takes a very interesting new direction. She goes well beyondher statements from time 1 and time 2 by framing her belief in amore general statementregarding amore scientificworldview.She describes a development in her ownmindset,admitting to having had problems with integrating knowledge about the evolution the-ory at first. That being said, her main point is that this knowledge has not changed herimage of God as a benevolent and supporting God. She ends her statement citing a per-son that has become an authority for her and her husband in recent years: Eugen Biser,a German Catholic fundamental theologian and philosopher, whose writings they havebeen studying intensely. She strongly affirms his appeal to the Church to embrace theimage of the loving God, something she has done all of her life.Summed up, we see that Gudrun’s faith, especially her beliefs in God and Jesus, havestayed constant over time.While onemay argue that it is not possible to know about heractual image of God during her time with the Jehovah’s Witnesses and one has to relyon her retrospective, there is still a consistent description over 15 years, which involvedsearch trajectories and deconversions (turning to and away from the charismatic parishand now, more recently, the turn toward the more scientific study of the Bible), which,however, did not shake the core of her belief system.248 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesApart from her personal image of God, being part of a community seems deeply im-portant to Gudrun.The following quote serves to illustrate this. She talks about the timeafter the Jehovah’s Witnesses, just before they joined the Charismatic group:So, yes, we lived as good church Christians. But I always had the feeling somehowthat I lacked something. It should go further. And moving here was, as I like to putit, an act of providence. […] And we came here into this parish and had this housefellowship with whom we met regularly. And there were a lot of heated discussionsthat were very open. […] And then the parish offered faith courses. And I went thereand my husband attended the second as well. And that was like the revitalization ofour faith. And that was my very great (laughs) peak phase. […] We met great peopleagain, […] I think that was important for us to make this experience where, let meput it that way, you have a (laughs) different dimension in opposition to dutifullygoing to church on Sundays, instead that was—and for me today still basically is—alively service. Where it’s not only rigid and strict, but where you are free to standup or sit down while singing. Where there’s just freedom. You can move dependingon how you feel.24 (Gudrun, Narrative Interview, time 1)Shementions a“lackof something,”which, inotherwords,couldbedescribedas a“loss ofreligious experience.”This phenomenonwas found to be one of the possible reasons driv-ing people to deconvert from their religious community (Streib et al., 2009). In this case,it is themotivational factor to join a new group after they lived as “normal”Christians forawhile. It becomes clear here that two things are important for Gudrun: a community orpeople she can talk to and have a good time with and experiencing her faith by literallycelebrating church services. For her, the experience dimension of faith plays a big role.Gudrun’s MoralityGudruncanbeclearly countedas a faithfulChristian,andheranswers concerningmoral-itymirror theChristian framework she has lived in all of her life. Still, subtle changes canbe observed that suggest an opening toward other lines of thought,despite her older age.For illustration, here are her answers to the question, “Are there certain moral opinionsthat you think everybody should agree on?”:Yes, I could say yes. And those are, let’s say, the principles of the Bible. That is, Com-mandments, I would say, we should respect them. There are certain things that havealways turned out to be harmful for humankind, […] that never turned out to bepositive. Even though nowadays, the liberties—I’d say, especially those in the sexualarea—are perceived as great and as liberation, be it so. But in the end, it doesn’tturn out to be positive for humankind. [I: Do you mean the Ten Commandmentsfor example?] I mean, roughly, the Ten Commandments cumulated. You shall loveGod above all else and you shall love your neighbor like yourself. And if I love myneighbor, I don’t do him any harm. I don’t kill him, I don’t rob him, and so on. Thisis all contained in that. And Jesus summed it up with those two Commandments.25(Gudrun, FDI, time 1)9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 249She refers to the Ten Commandments and,more precisely, to the double commandmentof love as it is advocated by Jesus.He is cited as an authority, and she finds this approachundebatable. Even though she is vague about the liberties that only cause harm, it can bededuced that she looks critically at the developments in the areas of sexual liberation, etc.She is oriented toward immutable authorities and shows little appreciation for lived real-ities that differ toomuch fromher own, especially in terms of sexual self-determination.When she talks about conflicts at time 1, her main solution is to find a way on the basisof the Bible’s sayings or by praying, thereby granting priority to religious benchmarksinstead of others.This has changed somewhat in her second interview, in her answer tothe same question:I think we have the Bible and we have the Ten Commandments. But I think thereare also new things that you deal with a lot these days, that you reconsider a lotof points and understand things differently and certain things—, well, in the past,homosexuality for me was a topic that I totally rejected. I see that differently today.This is also a development and you understand that differently nowadays. […] Thoseare things that you reconsider. And so, there are principles that make you think:“Okay, perhaps you have to accept that as it has developed now” and you understandthat differently. Or better. […] Well, well. So, what I think is, we don’t stand still. It isa constant process where something new is explored, for example the new biblicalstudies of the last 30 years, how this has developed so much and new insights aboutCommandments and laws and such.26 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)TheBible and the Ten Commandments are still named as crucial moral instances. But inthis answer, her horizon has widened to include the thought that there are new devel-opments that should be considered as well, her struggling for words indicating that thisis a territory she is not that firm on. Interestingly, this time the topic of sexual freedomis brought up again more directly. She now looks at homosexuality, which she admits tohave rejected in the past, from a more differentiated perspective. In the years betweentime 1 and time 2, it seems that Gudrun has learned to keep certain dialectics in ten-sion, and she knows about different values, and that knowledge is fluent and subjectedto change.These are insights that point to a gain inwisdom (see, for example, Staudinger& Glück, 2011), even though she still mainly operates within her Christian frame of ref-erence.At time 3, the topic of homosexuality is taken up again:[I: Are there certain moral opinions that you think everybody should agree on?]I wish. But it’s not possible. And I believe that there are so many different views.And especially, what keeps coming up, the topic of homosexuality or something likethat. I mean, well, I used to have a lot of problems with that and it’s difficult whenyou see, as a person who feels in a normal way, someone developing in the wrongdirection. But I cannot judge that because in the meantime I’ve learned that thereare so many contributing factors for a human to lean into this or that direction.And therefore I cannot say this or that is right or wrong. Period.27 (Gudrun, FDI,time 3)250 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesHer initial statement (“I wish.”) indicates a yearning for a clear structure or an authoritythat sets the moral standards that can and should be followed. But what follows is therecognition that there are too many different viewpoints and contributing factors to betaken into account, which makes it impossible to determine what is right and what iswrong.While at time 1, the codes for her answer were “orientation toward fixed author-ities” and “priority of religious rules compared to other moral rules,” the latter is widelymissing in her answer at time 2. Instead, the code “struggle with moral questions” wasassigned, indicating her attempt at looking at other viewpoints as well. Her time 3 an-swer, even though still cautious, might be read as a statement or as a demand for tol-erance. The development is apparent and striking. While still clearly staying within herChristian frame of reference, Gudrun seemsmore andmore to be able to consider otherviewpoints aswell.Lookingat her style-aspectmaps,we see that all of these answershavebeen rated stage/style 3 (mutual religious style), which seems appropriate since Gudrunclearly refers to a norm fromwhich othersmight deviate. Yet, the content analysis showsthe development that is possible even while staying within one style.9.1.4 Gudrun’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataAll ofGudrun’s interviewshavemostly been rated style 3, indicatinga conventionalmind-set focusing on inter-personal relations and relying on the opinion of a limited group ofpeople.Theaspect that stands out themost is perspective taking,whereGudrunhas shiftedfrom style 2–3 (time 1) to style 3–4 (time 2) and then a fairly stable style 4 (individuative-systemic) at time 3.What could be deducted from this finding? Perspective taking, as it isdefined in theManual (Streib & Keller, 2018), “defines the way in which the person con-structs the self, the other, and the relationship between them” (p. 20). Gudrun seems tohavemoved from a simple and interpersonal form of perspective taking to a formwhereshe is (at least partly) able to take a third-person perspective and to construct possiblydifferent views. Another noteworthy observation of the structural analysis is the stabil-ity of her ratings, which are visible in the aspect of locus of authority, signifying that shetends to justify authorities on the basis of implicit and interpersonal values in concor-dance with her social group. A similar picture is presented when investigating how Gu-drundiscussesmoral questionswhich forhermeansmeeting interpersonal expectationsand emotional needs instead of discussing them in a more abstract or societal perspec-tive.When confrontedwith theoretical and abstract questions in the aspects formofworldcoherence and symbolic function,Gudrun takes a concrete and conventional stance, exhibit-ing more trust in established authorities and in-group opinions than on self-ratified orcritically negotiated views. However, there are meaningful exceptions when we look atthe ratings from a developmental perspective. When asked whether she would call her-self religious, spiritual, or faithful (question 20), she was rated a style 3 at times 1 and 2,indicating a conventional approach to question of faith and an appropriation of symbolsthat is influenced by authorities (cf. Streib & Keller, 2018b, p. 53). At time 3, her answerwas deemed too short by the rater, though he tended to call it a style 4, acknowledgingher attempt at systematic thinking. As for the ratings regarding her answers to question4, i.e. her image of God, a substantial development can be noted with her first answerbeing rated style 2 (instrumental-reciprocal), her second style 3, and her third answer9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 251style 4. For her overall religious type, it can be stated that she is classified as a “moverupward,” going from type 1 (substantially ethnocentric,meaning that 5 or more answersof her interview were rated style 2) at time 1 to type 2 (predominantly conventional, in-dicating that the frequency of style 3 ratings is higher than of style 4 ratings) in the othertwo interviews.A look into her survey results will focus on yet another side of her personality.Table 28: Selected Data fromGudrun’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Gudrun M(SD) Gudrun M(SD) Gudrun M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings- 2.63(1.17)2.60 2.42(1.12)2.40 2.60(1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice- 4.35(0.38)4.20 4.28(0.51)4.80 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog- 3.64(0.75)3.20 3.57(0.76)4.20 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 2.86 3.67(0.59)3.00 3.20(0.40)3.14 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 4.14 3.67(0.71)3.43 3.72(0.59)3.14 3.68(0.57)personal growth 3.71 4.38(0.38)4.00 4.17(0.39)3.86 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers4.14 3.86(0.65)4.00 3.90(0.62)4.00 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 3.57 3.77(0.61)3.57 3.76(0.51)3.57 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance 3.57 3.79(0.68)3.86 3.86(0.62)3.71 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.75 3.42(0.78)3.42 3.40(0.70)3.08 3.40(0.68)extraversion 3.25 3.26(0.58)3.67 3.25(0.58)3.33 3.20(0.56)openness to experience 2.92 3.90(0.47)3.33 3.89(0.49)3.00 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 4.00 3.74(0.46)3.75 3.73(0.44)3.92 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 3.50 3.70(0.49)3.83 3.76(0.51)3.64 3.78(0.50)252 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesShe does not have any results on the subscales of the Religious Schema Scale at wave1 because this scale was developed after the first part of the Deconversion Study (whichGudrun was part of) had ended. At waves 2 and 3, her score for ttt is within the standarddeviation of the sample range, indicating that Gudrun does not put toomuch trust in theliteralmeaning of religious teachings.She shows a remarkable increase on xenos betweenwaves 2 and 3 indicating that her average openness for the “strange” has become moreadvanced in old age, which is suggested, albeit not very explicitly, in her last interviewwhen she discusses her stance toward homosexuality.As for her results on the subscales of the Psychological Well-Being Scale, it is inter-esting to note how her scores on autonomy increase with a simultaneous drop in environ-mentalmastery.And even though these changes are subtle andmostlywithin the standarddeviation of the sample, this might contribute to the finding from the content analysisthat, while Gudrun undoubtedly feels the impact of old age and the declining indepen-dence in everyday life, she has gained a mental autonomy regarding her faith and hermarriage. She tries to tell her own story as an individual, and she is more direct in criti-cizingcertain thingsherhusbandhasdone.Moreover,sheputsmoreemphasis onherselfas a person independent from her husband when talking about her job and her achieve-ments in that area. However, looking at her results on the NEO-FFI subscales, one cansee that her scores for emotional stability decrease over time, indicating that the auton-omy seems to come at the price of decreased stability.Her scores on openness to experienceare low,whichmay be explained by the finding from the interviews that she is an outgo-ing type who likes to be part of a community, she prefers to spend her time with peopleshe shares interests and worldviews with. In general, Gudrun’s statements seem to havegained self-confidence and individuality. She seems to position herself as more inde-pendent from others’ opinions and does not try to fit herself into predefined categoriesthatmuch in her later interviews.Thismay be partly explainedwith an involuntary alien-ation from the religious groups she cherishedmainly because of the community aspect,butwhich she left due to her husband’s intellectual doubts.Consequently, she ismore fo-cused on her ownpersonal and constantly strong belief inGod.This development towardamore individualized andmore reflective faith ismirrored also in the style assignmentsfor the question 20 (see above).As for her relationship with her husband and with other people, she may have de-veloped amore critical stance toward her husband over the years. But, at the same time,she has also built up an argumentation that explains his behavior by adopting a vicariouslife story ofWerner’s violence-ridden childhood, and thereforemakes it easier for her todeal with that. In her later interviews, she is less willing to neglect social interactionswith people she benefits from and has therefore established a life outside her marriage.While based on a shared Christian faith, these other relationships may differ regardingtheir orientation.While she does not talk about whether she has discussions with thosepeople regarding their respective beliefs, she seems to be proud of the fact that she cansee the human being behind all that and is able to appreciate what they can offer on arelationship basis. Interestingly, she sums this up at time 2 when being asked when shefeels most in union with the universe:9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 253Yes, I don’t know. I always think I am that kind of human who rests within herself,sort of. I have this certainty of faith, I am consonant with myself and with my en-vironment and my gift is to be able to approach everybody openly and that I canhandle the people that I meet and also from my circle of friends even if they arereally difficult. That I can take others as they are and embrace them lovingly, eventhough they may have an oppositional opinion.28 (Gudrun, FDI, time 2)This is a strong statement and a very direct self-characterization. With this statementshe positions herself in opposition to her husband who rejects and leaves groups if theydo not meet his ideological expectations.This seems to be a development of recent yearsas she did not appear that independent from her husband’s views in her first interview.Thismay be a hint of a late realization that she has her own needs that are different fromher husband but are of equal importance.This is supported by the fact that she explicitlydefends the last remaining groups she is a part of against her husband’s wishes, whichare groups of people that are independent fromhermarital bounds and also the religiouscommunities and still (or even therefore?) serve as support andcomfort andgive stability.Gudrun was one of the cases presented in the book on deconversion that followedthe first part of this study. At the time, she was characterized as someone whose familyand social network were more important to her than the actual doctrine of a single reli-gious community (for her complete case study, see Streib et al., 2009, p. 203ff.). In thatcase study, she was classified as synthetic-conventional, respectively mutual, which in theterminology and logic of the religious types would now be classified as substantially eth-nocentric, given the fact that five of her answers were rated stage/style 2 (instrumental-reciprocal). In her other interviews, she was rated to be a type 2, which is predominantlyconventional. This indicates that Gudrun’s subjective religiosity is not linked to specificgroups that she attends or teaching she is offered but is stable on its own in need of livedexperiences granted for example by religious groups.In this case, the analysis has carved out that development does not stop in older age(which goes along, for example, with Joan Erikson’s (Erikson & Erikson, 1998) extensionof the life cycle, adding a ninth stage dealing with old age).The change that could be re-constructed from the content analysis of her interview answers can be described as de-velopment in the terms of the hierarchical model of religious styles and types. Gudrunhas left several religious groups across the course of her lifetime,whichwas largely invol-untarily because while she cherished the feeling of community within those groups, shefollowed her husband when he started having intellectual doubts. Gudrun shares someof these doubts; however, it might be hypothesized that she would not have left any ofthose groups out of her own accord. These changes of her religious environment havenot substantially changed the contents of Gudrun’s personal beliefs.They havemadeGu-drunmore independent fromacertainbelief systemandmore focusedonherownstrongbelief in God.254 Leitmotifs in Life Stories9.2 Werner—Seeking Personal Enlightenment“As a person enlightened by scientificBiblical studies, I must say: Faith, yes, butplease keep in mind that it’s notorthodoxy, as it is often practiced andunderstood.”29Werner is 64 at the time of the first interview, thus a bit younger than his wife, and hehas recently retired. At time 3, he is 79 years old. He talks about his own physical prob-lems related to his age but seems more concerned with his wife’s progressing hearingimpairment. While his wife seems engaged in supporting their daughter while she at-tends university and later when she is a mother herself,Werner seems more focused ondistributing knowledge concerning faith and religious groups. He states that he used toattend meetings of former Jehovah’s Witnesses as a speaker and telling others how heand his wife came to leave that group. Currently, he is an avid writer of reader’s letters tolocal newspapers.9.2.1 Werner’s Life Reviews and his Religious Journey—A Life Shaped by FaithWerner’s life reviews are very closely connectedwithhis religious trajectory andalsowithhis relationship to Gudrun. However, I will focus on those life reviews and take a closerlook at his relationships in the next paragraph. To separate his life reviews from his ac-counts onhis religiousdevelopment isnotpossible sincehe tieshis autobiography closelyto his religious journey in all interviews.Werner starts his life review with an interesting observation:I’d say childhood, basic trust in childhood, that’s how I would name one chapter.That is an important point that we have in advance over all the Witnesses that wereborn into the sect. We were given a basic trust in childhood. […] All I remember isthat my mother used to say when I went to kindergarten that I should pray. Andthat’s what I did, “Dear God, please let there be an air raid warning again todayso that we can go to the bomb shelter again.”30 (Werner, FDI, time 1)Startingwith the fact that hewas shaped by his upbringing and by the fact that he gaineda basic trust in his childhood,Werner stresses an important difference between himselfand people who were born into the Jehovah’s Witnesses, assuming that this would notalignwith the development of basic trust,which is one of themany places inWerner’s in-terviewswhere a snide remark or an asidewill communicate his ongoingmoral criticismof the religious community that he left behind.When talking briefly about his childhood,he connects his religious upbringing and his experience as war child, stressing both thesoothing factor of his faith and his pragmatic approach (praying for air raids to be ableto skip school). In the FDI, his accounts on his life with the Witnesses are short at thistimepoint, since they had been elaborated on in his narrative interview (the followingquote, albeit shortened already, is rather extensive; events that are described in a similarfashion in later interviews will therefore be left out in following quotes):9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 255So, the beginning of my acquaintance with Jehovah’s Witnesses was about 1949,1950, through my mother who had a severe life crisis back then. […] And then thefirst Witnesses stood in front of her door. And they were, after the War, a realphenomenon. Because they were able to claim, “We were the only Christians whowere sent to concentration camps for our conscientious objection to military ser-vice. Or rather, they murdered us because of that.” So, they had a good reputationand when my mother got back on her feet, she went to their congregations. […] In1950, they were prohibited in the GDR because of the strict anti-Communist routethey followed. […] and so they carried on in the underground. The Witnesses areused to working from the underground. That’s what they did in the Third Reich.They are really experienced in this respect. Like, meeting in a conspiratorial fash-ion. […] And then the marriage was divorced. […] And then the youth welfare cameand denounced her right to legal guardianship because she was a Witness. And Iwas supposed to go to a youth home. And that’s why she induced the flight. […]Okay, we were recognized as refugees and then flown to [town F] […]. And I haveto say that was the point when I noticed that things were serious now. We hadliterature. Books, especially things like the Watchtower and Awake! […] And thenwe had to study at home and go through it in the congregation and read it again.[…] And I was like, “My goodness, that’s going to be fun.” And it did become funny.[…] And then there was missionary service. […] And I hated it. Like, [...] molestingpeople early in the morning with something they didn’t want to know. […] And I hadmeanwhile met my wife, that is, as a Witness. […] And yes, one got to know eachother a bit better and that’s what started my personal disaster because a clique withyoung Witnesses developed. […] And I was fully back on track.31 (Werner, NarrativeInterview, time 1)The way he talks about the reasons why his mother was attracted to the Jehovah’s Wit-nesses is remarkable. The severe life crisis that she went through at the time serves asan implicit argument and a “good reason” for being more open for the promises of theWitnesses, implying that she did not know the full implications of membership in thisgroup.Moreover, the position of theWitnesses was different in post-War Germany thanthey are in the modern context. It was known that they consequently denied militaryservice under the Nazi regime and were taken to concentration camps because of theiropposition. As a result, they briefly had a somewhat positive reputation, making thecommunity less contestant at that time and attractive for Werner’s mother due to theiroppositional stance in the Third Reich. The following prohibition and the resulting se-crecy implicitly fulfill the topos of a tight-knit community by tying the members moreclosely together, strengthening their solidarity, and making it harder to escape. This isreinforced by the help received through the Witnesses during their flight to West-Ger-many. InWerner’s account of his approach to the study of theWitnesses’ literature, how-ever, it becomes clear that, even at that young age, he was having doubts concerning thisapproach.Werner aims to portray his younger self here as a criticalmind, combining in-tellectual doubt with moral criticism when it comes to the missionary service that he isobliged to do, even though he claims to have hated everything about it, from showing upon people’s doorsteps early in the mornings to trying to talk to them about things theyhad no interest in (and which he did not support either, obviously). Thus, having made256 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesclear thathehad, inhis adolescence,alreadydistancedhimself fromthe sect, themeetingof his wife interrupts his “silent” farewell from the sect, the circumstances that evolvedafter that first meeting being labeled as a personal disaster for Werner. The paragraphdealing with relationships will take up that situation in more detail.Summed up, a considerable portion of this life review circles around the Jehovah’sWitnesses, mentioning their emotional manipulation and possible hypocrisy, his wholetime in the sect serving as an autobiographical argument, a formative experience thathas significantly influenced the way he sees the world.This becomes clear throughout allof his interviews and is illustrated for example in the following little narrative which hetells when asked about marker events:Table 29: Werner’s Narrative: “A Story of Shame”Orientation A tiny thing, that’s been hauntingme since then. […]Complication Erm, in [the congregation in town R], a young sister, a Witness, was excludedbecause she had a child, a child out of wedlock. And for the Witnesses that is,at least was at that time, a reason for exclusion. And when this young womancame [to the building] with her pram, which was for sure carried up the stairsby someone from outside and not by aWitness, […] anyway, we let her pass bywithout greeting in the stairwell of theWitnesses’ building.Evaluation […] And I’m still ashamed of that today. This still hauntsme.Resolution That I was that indoctrinated, even though we both felt uncomfortable with thisbehavior.Coda So, this would be one thing that stuck with me, that it’s not congruent after all,because a hardliner wouldn’t have pangs of remorse.32 (Werner, FDI, time 1)With the orientation, Werner emphasizes that it was a rather everyday experiencewhich is re-evaluated in retrospective at this time. This introductory sentence makesclear how great the distance is between his narrated self and the narrating self. Thecause of the incident, the excluded “sister,” is marked as a conventional occurrence inthe framework of the Witnesses’ rulebook. His own behavior is concurrently markedas conventional, since he was a Witness at the time. Thereby, he justifies what he didand anticipates dissent. By referring to an under-determined “we,” he takes away someof the individual blame, since he was then part of a group or a collective and actedaccording to the rules of the collective when ignoring the young mother. However, hisevaluation shows the deep impact this situation has had on him and how much hedistances himself from his behavior at the time. He condemns what he did back thenand thereby emphasizes his change of mind. By stating that he was indoctrinated he,removes personal blame since being indoctrinated can be seen as a “good reason” for hisshameful behavior in his current view. However, his coda suggests that he never was asbad as some of his fellowWitnesses, paving the way for a more positive look also on hisyounger self. At the same time, this creates coherence when having inmind that he laterwill be the driving force behind the deconversion of himself and his wife andmother.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 257Theanswer to the first question is long in his second interviews.He frequently inter-weaves stories that serve the purpose to point out something bad that has happened tohim and elaborates in more detail on the different stations he and his wife had on theirreligious journey. For the sake of comparison, the first part of that answer is most inter-esting:Yes, my life section was heavily shaped by the affiliation with the special-status re-ligious community of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Nowadays, you don’t say ‘sect’ any-more, but, more noble, ‘special-status religious community.’ And this life section washeavily shaped by this until my exit. […] Then (sighs) I felt freedom, the intellec-tual freedom that I had after that. […] What is interesting: I was brought up in anatheist fashion, see? This means I did not have any religious affiliation at all. Andwhen my mother blundered into this sect because of a personal life crisis, […] theWitnesses stood in front of her door and they used to have a great support backthen. [description of flight] […] And basically, when I had finished my vocationaltraining, I was on the verge of leaving. I was uninterested in other religions andthis whole rubbish. And then I met my wife and blundered into it again. […] So,this is one chapter … I have to tie it to religion. I can’t really do this related to jobs.I had multiple changes in job positions, […] but the life chapters I would rather tieto my religious development.33 (Werner, FDI, time 2)In his introduction,Wernermakes it clear that hewants to be seen as awell-read person.Pointing out the semantic difference between ‘sect’ and ‘special-status religious commu-nity,’ he refers to a discourse in Germany in which the term ‘sect’ was heavily debated inthe 90s and early 2000s, since it is usually used in a pejorativeway (in English, itmight bemore comparable to the term ‘cult’) in German.An enquete commission employed by theGerman parliament recommended using themore neutral term ‘special-status religiouscommunity’ (Deutscher Bundestag, 1998).Werner tries to create a common ground, as-suming the interviewer will know about that debate and will maybe even be impressedby Werner’s knowledge. There is an interesting contradiction to his account in the firstinterview. While at time 1, he talks about his mother advising him to pray, and at time2, he states he grew up as an atheist. He then spends some time elaborating how he andhis mother became part of theWitnesses’ community and their flight to West-Germany(similar to his account during the Narrative Interview at time 1). By the timeWerner hadfinished his vocational training, he was finishedwith that religious community and reli-gion in general. It is portrayed less as a love story andmore as a fatal incident that hemethis future wife in theWitnesses’ context andwas pulled back into it. After having startedlike this, he briefly ponders whether a division of his life in relation to his professionalcareermight be an option, but he discards this thought.Regarding his self-presentation,at time 2 Werner puts more emphasis on his rebellious attitude (“I was uninterested inother religions and this whole rubbish”) and his well-readmanner.This becomes an evenmore prominent theme at time 3:So, first, member of a sect for 25 years, Jehovah’s Witnesses. Blundered into it as achild, because of my mother, not of my own accord. And then got married in thesect and thus stayed, until, after 25 years, there was the awakening. The realiza-258 Leitmotifs in Life Storiestion that the sect is totally wrong theologically. That was one chapter, the secondchapter—I’ll tie this to religion, one could also opt for job. The second chapter wasthe exit from that community, from the sect. Then the birth of our daughter. Anddue to the birth also turning to the Protestant regional church. Becoming a memberthere. And then, due to a relocation, and with a new pastor in the parish, the Charis-matic orientation became important. And we were enthusiastic, went to lectures,congresses. And then there was the third awakening, namely the realization thatthis Charismatic orientation also leads to a dead end, you stand still intellectually.And that was a third awakening, by listening to theological lectures, a completelynew perspective on the Biblical texts, to examine them from a scientific perspective,to question them, to compare with non-Biblical texts, be it Assyrian, Babylonian, orEgyptian historiography. and this led to a further awakening, so that I feel saddlefast in theology today. And I notice that when talking to pastors, it’s on one level.Well, those would be the chapters, my life chapters, theologically.34 (Werner, FDI,time 3)His account is much more condensed than at time 1 and 2. In short, precise sentences,he sums up the way his life has taken and states that those are his life chapters from atheological perspective in the end (he then moves on to speak about his professional lifeaswell).There are no hidden accusations inGudrun’s direction regarding theirmarriage,which made him stay within the sect much longer. As the only reason for his deconver-sion,henames intellectual doubt or the realization that “the sect is totallywrong theolog-ically.” Using the term “blundered into it” emphasizes that entering into the sect wasn’tthe result of careful, rational considerations but insteadhappenedout of impulse orneedfor stability, especially in his mother’s case. It is interesting to note that his intellectualdoubt and his reason for leaving the Witnesses after 25 years is labeled with the term“theologically.” While at the other timepoints, Werner makes it more than clear that hehad those intellectual doubts, at time 3,he obviously has found a term that sumsup thosedoubts and gives his exit a reputable and educated frame,making the difference betweengetting into and out of the sect even more prominent. He goes on to describe their de-conversion trajectories (cf. Streib et al., 2009) first as an integrating exit (as members ofthe regional Protestant church), then as an oppositional exit, when they start to attendCharismatic congregations.However, this new orientation raises doubts inWerner aftera while, too. In what is described as his “third awakening,” he is currently engaged witha theologically informed study of the Bible, which could be labeled as a heretical exit.In this paragraph,Werner presents himself as a well-read person who is able to discusstheological matters on a peer level with pastors, which emphasizes his achievement andintellectual capability.Summed up, one can see motifs that weave through all of his interviews. Becominga Jehovah’s Witness was not his fault, he soon started having doubts and an intellectualexamination of theWitnesses’ doctrine is the driving force behind his deconversion, andhe is the one who takesmatters in hand and initiates their exits (this will become clearerin the next paragraph).The consistency in his accountsmay be attributed to the fact thathe has told this deconversion story frequently over the years and not only in the contextof the interview situations. His self-presentation in all of his interviews is remarkablydirect, and he puts a lot of emphasis on his intellectuality and tries to create a common9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 259ground with the interviewers, whom he assumes to be theologically and psychologicallyproficient. In general, a more indirect and modest way of characterizing oneself is thenorm, and too-direct self-praise is often frowned upon.Thus,Werner’s form of present-ing his narrative identity here is an exception in the whole sample that was analyzed forthis work. Interestingly, the topics he refers to change over interviews (from a sociopo-litical discussion at time 2 to a theological one at time 3); however, they all serve to createa thematic coherence as described by Bluck andHabermas (2000), not only for one pointin time, but over a period of 15 years.Werner’s deconversion from the Jehovah’sWitnesses cannot be read separately fromhis relationshipwithhiswife. In thenextparagraph, Iwill comparehisdifferent accountsregarding this process in more detail.9.2.2 Werner’s Relationship with Gudrun—A Joint Religious JourneyThefirst thing that can be noticed is thatWerner’s elaborations regarding their relation-ship aren’t as numerous and are oftenmore indirect thanGudrun’s. In his first time FDI,he talks about difficult times in their family life in the context of a crisis that is promi-nent in all of his interviews, which is related to a job change along with personal disap-pointments and resulting in an early retirement.Regarding the time after the job changewhich brought along all those intricacies,Werner tells the following:And those were one and a half really difficult years. I was closer to suicide thananything else. My wife can tell you a thing or two about it. My daughter as well.Laughter was forbidden. From Sunday afternoon on, I could not bear any fun, anyjoke, nothing. Because Monday was looming. […] [I: Looking back, what would yousay happened to you at that time and what influence did these experiences have?]I descended from my high horse. I got really small. As a purchaser in a big firm,agents pay court to you. I had a good standing there. […] And then you come homewith a feeling of elation. And I used to mistreat my wife back then. This feelingof elation had affected me there. I treated her with condescension. But she hada job herself and would comment on that, because she had a good name too inher firm. But this snootiness was thoroughly driven out of me. That was a reallyunpleasant trait I had.35 (Werner, FDI, time 1)It is unclear how literal Werner’s reference to suicidality should be taken, but it clari-fies that this job crisis had a great impact on his life as a whole (and it can be noted thatGudrun does notmention that crisis at all, whichmight suggest that she for herself doesnot attribute her husband’s behavior to that unpleasant job situation).Bymentioning hiswife and his daughter, he acknowledges the influence this state of his had on the familylife.This also alludes to a reflectivemanner inwhich this time has been handled in the in-terim.Werner is currently aware about his family’s suffering at that time.With astonish-ing openness,Werner talks about howhe felt then andwith the phrase “I descended froma high horse” adds a notably self-critical tone, even admitting to having treated his wifeunfairly. By pointing out that Gudrun had a job herself and “a good name too,” he showsan appreciation for her that he may have lacked at that time. Interestingly, he portrayshis wife as someone who would talk back when he was treating her with condescension.260 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesThis character trait appears in Gudrun’s time 2 and time 3 interviews but not at time 1, soWerner seems to perceive his wife as more self-confident, successful and independentthan she did at that time. His final words of that quote show remorse for his arrogantmanner in an open and reflective way. This whole paragraph suggests that Werner has“learned his lesson” (cf. Habermas & Köber, 2015) and implies that he has changed hisbehavior toward his wife and his general (arrogant) attitude ever since.It is interesting to note that at time 2, this connection between the job crisis and anyconflicts in his family is notmade.But in his reflections,he shows a self-critical approachand talks about the effects this has had on him:As for crises, the really bad crisis was the job change […], this crisis lasted for abouttwo years. [I: How did these experiences affect you?] This experience has made mea skeptic regarding personal relationships. I always question them and, like, don’tlet them become too close because that might lead to the next disappointment.[…] So, I’m not the exuberant, joyful person I used to be, I’m skeptical about howeverything’s going to be.36 (Werner, FDI, time 2)Again, this account could be labeled as an autobiographical argument with the connota-tion of “lessons learned,” since what he learned from these disappointments in his pro-fessional life is to be skeptical toward people in general. A self-perceived developmentis described from being a “joyful person” to a skeptic. Here lies great potential for con-flict with his wife, since she notably is a very sociable person to whom it is important toconnect with others and who is ready to trust easily. However, at this point in Werner’sinterview, the connection is not made and neither made explicit at other points.A referencewith a slightly different connotation ismade at time 3whenWerner talksagain about unfortunate episodes in his work life:So, the biggest crisis was the last job change to this factory of firm [X], world marketleader, yes, that was such a … failure, you know … unbelievable. I was in a real crisisthen … I can’t begin to describe that. Yes, and then of course, as always, when I wasfeeling comfortable in a firm, when things were going well and I had establishedmyself and led a department, yes. Suddenly, it was like, relocated. Yes. And I wasbound, place-bound. Also because of my wife who had a very good professionalposition at firm [Y], […] got around a lot. She was known all over town. And shehad a really, really awesome position there. And I was like, you can’t risk that…37(Werner, FDI, time 3)Werner’s story resembles a contamination story (McAdams et al., 2001) in which he isrepeatedly in a good professional position and an unspecified higher force deprives himof it, as the firms he worked for tended to relocate. Andwhile there is no direct referenceto any relationship-related conflicts,Werner points out that because of his wife’s profes-sional position he was not able to follow the firm to their new location. The passage isambivalent regarding his implicit feelings towards his wife.There seems to be a certaindependency which prevents him from pursuing his career (and which eventually makeshimunhappy and depressive), presumably leading to a certain tension. Yet there is someadmirationdiscernible fromWerner’swordswhenhedescribesGudrun’s position as “re-9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 261ally, really awesome” and herself being “known all over town.” In the end, it seems like itwas his decision to tone down his own ambitions in favor of his wife’s secure employ-ment.Another thing that is remarkable inWerner’s interviews is that he acknowledges hiswife as his most important relationship and counselor. When asked how he would goabout making an important decision,Werner answers, at time 1:So, first of all, my wife. Like, we read and we try to solve everything together. Sec-ond, we offer it to God, just like this. And we don’t have any human counselors,unfortunately.38 (Werner, FDI, time 1)Thisdescription soundsharmonious andbasedona shared faith andanunfaltering trustin God.The last sentence implies that neitherWerner nor Gudrun have any other mean-ingful relationships outside their marriage, which Werner finds regrettable. Interest-ingly, in his narrative interview at time 1,Werner talks about a conflict between the twospouses which might account for their lack of other relationships:We read together every day. We have a plan for reading the Bible. […] I say to mywife, who is emotionally still attached to various people, I say to her, “Wife, I can’t goback to that level, cannot immerse myself like that anymore into that Charismatichustle and bustle and the Charismatic services and so on. I can pay a visit once ina while. But I cannot cheer and clap my hands as always, as it is common practicethere. I just can’t.” In that case, we differ.39 (Werner, Narrative, time 1)While the act of reading the Bible together is described in a way that appears harmo-nious,Werner turns to a conflicted topic of their relationship at that time.Their breakupwith the Charismatic community is not complete and it becomes obvious that Wernerwas the driving force behind that, talking about the Charismatics’ practices in a rathercontemptuous way.While they still share a similar faith, their ways of practicing it seemto differ, or deducing from other statements in both of their interviews over the years,especially their level of tolerance toward other religious people and their flaws.Werner’slast sentence suggests that he can leave that topic be for the moment and can tolerateGudrun’s affection for those Charismatic practices.In his third interview,Werner takes up that thread again:My wife, like I said, attends that pious circle and a prayer circle … to my annoy-ance (laughing), I have to admit that. […] And then my wife has those religiousconnections with two prayer circles, which I’m not overjoyed about, to be honest.She knows that, but they provide contacts here. And that’s good for her and so Ithink, “Oh well, so be it.”40 (Werner, FDI, time 3)Despite Werner’s annoyance, Gudrun has kept her habit of attending different groups.The above quote suggests that there have been discussions among the two and it seemslikeWerner has admitteddefeat in the end, illustrated by thewayhe laughswhenhe talksabout his exasperation aswell as his concession in the end, “so be it.”Werner has givenuphis resistance realizing that these groups are good for his wife, even though he still has262 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesa skeptical stance toward this kind of practiced faith. He also seems to realize that thiskind of community gives Gudrun a benefit that he cannot obtain,which becomes appar-ent when he is asked about who he turns to for counselling when he has an importantdecision to make:Oh, toward my wife (laughs). Yes, I don’t have anybody else. We speak openlyabout everything and don’t have any secrets or reservations. Everything is discussedopenly. […] But a pastor in that sense—I don’t have that … unfortunately. My wifemay have that within her circle.41 (Werner, FDI, time 3)Again, he emphasizes that his wife is his most important counsellor, and he depicts adiscussion culture which is open and without restrictions, which again implies a highdegree of appreciation for hiswife. Like in his first interview,Werner regrets that he doesnot have any other form of counselling, spiritual or other. Connected with that regret isexplicit envy for his wife who has that form of exchange within her prayer circles.Whilehemay criticize those circles, he is aware of the benefit they have for his wife (andmighthave for him as well was he not repulsed by them on an intellectual level). There may bemore to the incomprehension observed byGudrun in her last interview. In this late stageof his life,Wernermay realize that driving away all social contacts hasmade him a lonelyperson, which makes him appreciate Gudrun’s presence more.As for their joint religious journey, what first catches the eye is the way Werner de-scribes the circumstances of when he met his later wife in his first interview, especiallykeeping in mind howmuch Gudrun values the personal encounter with other people:And yes, one got to know each other a bit better and that’s what started my per-sonal disaster because a clique with young Witnesses developed who drove to thenearby town after going from door to door on Sundays […]. And there one had lunchand studied the Watchtower together. Of course. And then, in the evening, one at-tended the assembly together. Like that. And so I was back on track. And then Igot to know my wife better, so to say. […] And then thinking about an exit was notan option anymore. On the contrary, I had to—that’s of course the next step—letmyself be baptized. That was inevitable. Because [my wife] was warned against me,I was a maverick or just not the right company for her. She was like a loyal, good,eager sister, while I was just tagging along 42 (Werner, Narrative Interview, time 1)The language he uses in the beginning of this quote (“one got to know each other…”) cre-ates the biggest possible distance between his current self and the youngWerner that isthe protagonist of his narration.This stylistic choice adds to the impression thatWernerconsiders these events as a series of bad decisions that he would not repeat today. ForWerner, the personal encounters that Gudrun cherishes so much are “fatal,” and his de-scription sounds as if he involuntarily got into a vicious circle that draws him “inside”again, so that he is even persuaded to be baptized. In retrospect, meeting his wife wasconnected forWernerwith getting draggeddeeper into the community he hadwanted toget away from originally.The portrayal of himself as a maverick and his wife as an eagersister has the effect of manifesting the complicated position they were in, but this alsoimplies that theirmarriagewas destined to be difficult given the fundamental difference9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 263in their ideology.This depiction is in concordancewithwhat Gudrun says in her third in-terview (see above), when she talks about her husband blaming her for making him staywith the Witnesses. When Werner talks about how they got out of the sect, it becomesclear that he was the driving force at time 1:[…] there was this huge volume by Kurt Hutten, Brooders, Seers, Enthusiasts. […]A magnificent book. And he describes the structures and what is happening there100% accurate. […] and my wife was like, “This is the end!” […] And it really was theend. Erm, I gave her a book to read, but funnily I knew, intuitively, when we leavethis behind, we’ll have a mental vacuum. And I will have to fill that vacuum. I willhave to […] I know it’s wrong what I’m saying right now. But I will have to perform abrainwash on [my wife and my mother]. I know that one should say indoctrinationtoday. Because brainwashing is something that is done to prisoners of war […] andis associated with violence, torture, and so forth. I don’t need to tell you that, ofcourse. […] That means I processed the teachings of the Watchtower Society fornights on end. […] On the one hand to get it myself and I made my women read itover and over again and told them, “Read it and check this and that teaching.” […]My wife says today, “You wouldn’t have gotten me out otherwise if not by disprovingtheir teaching.”43 (Werner, Narrative Interview, time 1)Werner is the one who prepares the exit for his wife andmother, or as he refers to them,his “two women.” As a parenthesis, he discusses with himself whether or not the term“brainwash” is appropriate for what he did to fill themental vacuum.By this, he achievesportraying himself again as well-read and familiar with the terminology; however, hestill opts for the more controversial term in the end, which is another piece in his self-portrayal as an independent thinker who will not let himself be restricted by any stipu-lation. He prepares everything and provides literature that he has critically selected. Hetakes the position of the leader without whom an exit would not have been possible. Inhis narration, his wife grants him respect for that, which is stressed with a direct quotethatWerner assigns Gudrun.This gives his words more credibility and at the same timeavoids an all-too-directly positive self-portrayal.Overall, hiswife plays a very passive role(and is even summed up in the more general term “my women” at one point during theinterview), while Werner takes all the credit for their exit.This looks a little different at time 2:And life-changing of course was the detachment, that was a fight which lasted forabout a year. A mental fight, to detach ourselves from the Witnesses. Because mywife advocated and defended them, saying, “They have to realize at one point thatwhat they are writing is crap.” […] And we discussed this on every hike. […] I hadto get books. I got all the books that existed by ex-Witnesses. Among them was avery good book from the Protestant Office for Worldview Questions on Sects, Brood-ers, Enthusiasts which was totally on point. […] And I was like, “That’s it! Exactly!”[…] One day, I came home with a pile of books under my arm and my wife justthought, “This is the end!” And that’s what it was. And then I sat down for weeksand disproved [the Witnesses teaching] in textbook fashion and gave everything tomy women again and again, and at some point, the exit was made.44 (Werner, FDI,time 2)264 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAgain,Werner portrays himself as teacher who passes on his knowledge to “his women”in a patriarchal manner.The number of books that he has read at the time is given someimportance here again. Yet, there is a difference in his account, even though it is a sub-tle one: Werner grants Gudrun a more active role this time, albeit on the “wrong” sidewith the “wrong” arguments. He still portrays her as a discussion partner who obviouslychallenges him to get those books and inform himself. She is convinced by his argu-ments in the end, which is an even bigger achievement given the fact that Gudrun hadbeen defending the Witnesses’ teachings vigorously before. Interesting to note are cer-tain phrases that reappear literally, and the overall dramatic composition is very similarwhich suggest that this is one of those narratives that gets told repeatedly and becomespart of the bigger life story.Having noted that Werner’s portrayal of Gudrun has changed slightly between time1 and time 2 (that is, in the course of ten years) while the main story line has stayed thesame, his account at time 3 comes as a surprise:I had, back then, prepared a written draft about the wrong teachings of the Wit-nesses. […] And it was tedious work back then, no internet, nothing, to acquire in-formation about the Witnesses and then I sat down for nights and prepared writtendrafts, typing on a typewriter. And then my wife read that and we came to the con-viction that, yes, it’s a fallacy, a fata morgana, this truth sect. And then we wrotean essay letter together addressed to the Eldest of the congregation which said,“We declare our exit.”45 (Werner, FDI, time 3)What catches the eye is the subtle way he addresses the interviewer’s youth by pointingout that at the time that he was doing his research, he could not rely on the internet andhad to use a typewriter instead of a computer. Here, Werner may be assuming that theinterviewer might not be aware of this fact. Regarding the process of leaving the Wit-nesses, Werner is still the one who does the main part of reading and writing, yet thisaccount looks like their exit was a joint decision and a joint effort, which cumulated ina jointly written letter to the congregation and omitting all the drama that was in theforeground in his other interviews.In the last phase of his life,Werner has arrived at seeing his wife as an equal partner,which is an observation that aligns with the change in Gudrun’s own self-presentationwhich has become more self-confident and independent over the years. This may alsopartly explain why she now can talk more freely about the difficulties in her marriage.While she has a life of her ownwith prayer groups and a group ofwomen shemeetswith,she seems to realize that herhusbanddoesnot havemanyother contacts besides hiswife.Therefore, it could be suspected that both of themmight realize that Werner is perhapsnowmore dependent on Gudrun than the other way around.While being constant in his self-portrayal, Werner displays a remarkable develop-ment regarding the way he looks at his wife. While his focus is on their conflict-riddenmarriage in the first two interviews by self-applying the term maverick and his wife aneager sister at time 1, he seems to have adjusted his opinion in his third interview. Overthe years, he realizes that his wife is his most important and only counselor and that herway of approaching religiosity or cherishing the community for the sake of trade-offs re-9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 265garding the teachings means that she still has those communities and can benefit fromhaving other people around her. In the last phase of his life, it appears that Werner hascome to reconsider and maybe even regret some of the harshness that he has displayedtowards his wife and religious communities in his life.The next paragraph will examine closely if and how this development can be foundalso in his subjective religiosity as portrayed in the interviews and in selected data fromthe surveys.9.2.3 Werner’s Subjective Religiosity—Finding his own Personal Relationshipwith GodWerner’s Subjective ReligiosityBelow, the assembled data ofWerner’s survey answers and his interview statements canbe found.Note that his free entries aremore comprehensive than his wife’s, especially atwave 3.Wave 1: He does not give any definitions of “spiritual” or “religious” in the survey or theinterview, therefore it can be assumed that his self-assessment in the survey as “morereligious than spiritual” is but a mere approximation and the not-ideal option that fitsbest. In the interview, he talks about his faith in God,who is described as benevolent andleading, which reveals a deep trust in an afterlife.Wave 2: His definitions of “spirituality” and “religion” seem to differ regarding theirformalization. Even though, in the survey, he states he is “more religious than spiritual,”the term he chooses in the interview is “faithful.” His definition there has a strongmoralclaim, which reaches beyond the clerical realms since he refers to dictators that will alsohave to give account before the Last Judgment. So, amoral benchmark is set for which heappears calm and implicitly takes up his claim in engaging with questions of worldviewand religion from his free entries, showing he does both.Wave 3: His definition of “spiritual” is consistent in both his free entry and his interviewanswer, and hemarks this term as reserved for people who are not religious.He opts for“faithful” to describe himself but emphasizes that he does not wish to be understood asorthodox.With an example from everyday politicsmixedwith religion, he lines out whatorthodoxy means for him. By pointing out that he has educated himself in a scientificway, he implies that he is beyond that literal understanding of the Bible. His definitionof “religion” in the survey relays that he sees the engagement with questions of ultimateconcern as a core of being religious and that religion offers answers that are beyond sci-entific reasoning. It might be hypothesized that he sees his personal scientific study ofthe Bible as a satisfying combination of both approaches.266 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable30:DataonWerner’sReligiosityWernerwave1wave2wave3spirituality:notaskedspirituality:Havingaspiritualinterestandcultivatingit.Engagingwithquestionsofworld-view.46spirituality:Ipersonallyratherdislikethisterm.Thismindsetisstrangetome.Itratherfitshumanismthanareligiouswayofthinking.47freeentriesreligion:notaskedreligion:Contemplatingreligiousquestions,e.g.thequestionoftheodicy.48religion:Religionformemeansthesearchforasenseofone’sownexistence.Beingdiscontentwiththeextinctionofone’sownexistence.Religion(nomatterwhichone)offersanswerstoquestionsthatsciencecannotanswer.49self-assessmentmorereligiousthanspiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualmorereligiousthanspiritualanswertoQ20:Doyoucon-sideryourselfareligious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?FaithformemeansthatIconsiderthingstobetruethatIhavesofarbelievedonly.Likealifeinanotherworld.Beingsheltered,thatHeacceptedme.That’sbeingfaithfulforme.Yes,Ihavetoputitinanutshell:Ifyouaskmenow,“Whatdoyouthink,shouldyoudietonight,willyougointoGod’skingdom?”Andmyanswerwouldbeaconfident“Yes.”50Faithful.ThatmeansIfeelresponsibleformydeeds.AndthatalsomeansthatIhavetogiveaccountforallmydoings.Hasnothingtodowithhell.JustgiveaccounttotheLastJudgment.Thatcanbeavery,verypainfulmatter,whenyouareconfrontedwithsins-by-omissionwhereyoucouldhaveeffectedsomethinggood,butdidn’t.NoteventomentionAdolfHitlerorStalin,whohavemillionsofpeopleontheirconscience.Theywillbeconfrontedwiththeirdeedsaswell.Thatisfaithfultome.51Idon’tlikeanyoftheseterms.“Spiritual”isratherforpeoplewhoarenotfaithful,Ithink.[…]AsapersonenlightenedbyscientificBiblicalstudies,Imustsay:Faith,yes,butpleasekeepinmindthatit’snotorthodoxy,asitisoftenpracticedandunderstood.I’mabouttowriteareader’sletter,whichisabouta[rightwingparty]deputywhowascitedinthepiousmagazine“NameA.”[…]So,andtherearepeoplewhoreadthisandsay,wetakeitasitis.Andheisfaithfulaswell,forsure,butIdifferfromfaithfulpeoplelikethat.Icontradicthim.529. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 267At time 1,Werner’s answer to question 20 is exclusively personal, and he talks abouthis ownbelief and experience of a benevolent, leadingGod andhis trust in an afterlife.Atthe other time points, there are more references to society, combined with moral claimsand evaluations, which indicates that his agenda has changed. It becomes clear in thisshort analysis thatWerner is not content with just being faithful for his own sake, but hefeels superior toward people who he deems less “enlightened.” In the forced-choice sur-vey question,his self-assessment as “more religious than spiritual” seemsunfittingwhenlooking at his interview answers, though it does confirm his mistrust against “spiritual-ity,” which he defines to be rather for non-religious people. His free entry at wave 2 alsosuggests that “spirituality” is more engaged with questions of worldview, and this couldbe linked to his rejection of the politician’s text he talks about at time 3 (casually distanc-ing himself from the right-wing party as well). Conversely, his free entry for religion atwave 3 takes up a topic of his time 2 answer, regarding “questions that science cannotanswer,” which could mean the question of what happens when one dies and Werner’sbelief in a Last Judgment. Summed up, and taking together the different data displayedabove, Werner can be described as a faithful person who is not satisfied with just be-lieving as he ages; instead, his answers come along with a firm moral rulebook and thewish to convince others of his standpoint (exemplarily manifested in the reader’s letterhe mentions at time 3). How has this influenced the way he describes his image of Godat the three different timepoints?Werner’s Image of GodBelow, one can find Werner’s answers to the question on how his image of God haschanged over the years:As a child, I was imparted a loving God, one to have trust in. Then, as a member ofthe Witnesses, I was imparted an authoritative God who is alert, registers, rewards,punishes, depending on your behavior. A frightening image of God. […] With theCharismatics it happened, and we highly appreciate this, that we dared to enter intoa personal relationship. It’s a bit strange and there are clever books about that, tosay, “So, if God is the Lord in your life, then he is not only the Lord in your livingroom where everything is tidy; he’s then also the Lord backstage where the hiddenobjects lie […].” This means, the skeletons have to be dragged out of the closet ifyou really want to enter into an open relationship. And I have to add […], I find itdifficult to address God as Father, even though that’s what Jesus taught us, “Pray,Father in heaven”. […] Anyway, we like to pray to Jesus and our image of God is setstrongly on Jesus, due to that disturbed father relationship, even though it’s notproblematic for us to call God Father.53 (Werner, FDI, time 1)The worldview with the Witnesses was the judging, punishing God, the control-ling god, you know? Who sees everything and registers everything, an absolutelyauthoritarian image of God, really, like really unrealistic. […] That changed when wewent to the regional church and had those conversations with the pastor, […] then,the image of God was softened, […] But there was a new image when we enteredinto the Charismatic community. There, we got a very, very naïve image of god. Inthe Charismatic community, there is a strong belief in miracles. […] And the exitfrom that community, led to me saying, “I want to engage with faith on a scientific268 Leitmotifs in Life Storieslevel.” […] The image of God has changed substantially, since I don’t have that beliefin miracles anymore, but instead I say: The things we read about in the Bible […],we have to consider the context in which this was written. […] And so this image ofGod … the Almighty, the punishing, judging God who monitors everything … thathas changed completely. […] I have a casual image of God, I can believe in God inan uninhibited way, talk to God without any uptight mental contortions.54 (Werner,FDI, time 2)[This] changed once when we left the sect. Then, it was the worldview of thesect, only we are on the right path, everybody else will be exterminated, you know?[…] A significant change happened due to the theological orientation based on sci-ence […] that conveyed a substantially different religious worldview. A different per-spective. Away from the confinement, away from the word-for-word belief. […] Inthe sect, we were always confronted with the punishing God, who punishes disobe-dience. Who keeps vigil over our life like a policeman. That is an awful image ofGod. And it was obsolete with the exit from the sect. But it came back a bit by theCharismatic movement which also has a narrow image of God, more or less believ-ing in Biblical inspiration. And this was completely changed (smiles) to the oppositenearly with the freedom that we now have through research, teachings (smiles) ina theological sense. […] The question of God is often discussed as the question oftheodicy. […] For me, I solved this question by saying: even though the professionof faith says, “God is almighty, I believe in the almighty God.” I don’t believe inGod’s almightiness. I believe in God’s commiseration, in Jesus’ commiseration, whodemonstrated that himself. But not in God’s almightiness, not anymore. Of course,this doesn’t align with the course of my Protestant church who speak their profes-sion of faith, devoted and obedient, but that’s my summary.55 (Werner, FDI, time3)At time 1, Werner describes his movement from the loving God of his childhood to thefrightening God that was conveyed by the Witnesses, interweaving a moral criticismagainst the sect’s teachings. Werner’s then-current image of God is highly influencedby the Charismatic community. This emphasizes the personal relationship with Godthey have at time 3 and the (renewed) belief in Jesus. This stands in stark contrast tothe proclaimed belief system of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, in which Jesus does not reallyplay a role. His definition of an open relationship with God is very vivid and concrete,underlining his fascination and appreciation for this new form of faith in which thereare no taboos, and honesty seems to play a big role.While this belief in Jesus appears tobe in accordance with the teachings of the Protestant Church this is a major individu-alizing development in Werner’s own reconstruction of his changed image of God. Hisdifficulties with the concept of God as father are closely connected with his disturbedimage he has of his father andmay represent a lack of attachment.In his second interview, Jesus is not named as that important anymore, and thismaybe due to the fact that their separation from theCharismatic community is complete—atleast for Werner. Instead, Werner describes the transition his image of God has takenover the years from the punishing God of the Witnesses to believing in miracles duringtheir time with the Charismatic group, which applies a strong criticism of the Charis-matic faith here that was not present in the first interview. At time 3, he claims to hold a9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 269“casual” image of God, outlining a relationship on eye level in which there is no need forfalse pretense.Thedescription of the relationship sounds similar to that of time 1, but thelabel is different, andGod as Father is not present in this account either.His turn towarda more scientific approach to his faith is suggested here but is not nearly as elaboratedupon as at time 3.In the third interview, his alienation from all the faith communities Werner has be-longed to over the years becomes apparent. The image of God and the worldview con-veyed by both the Witnesses and the Charismatic community is rejected and describedin a derogatory way. Moreover, the Protestant Church and their profession of faith arejudged negatively as well, thereby underliningWerner’s individualizing ways of shapinghis image of God. InWerner’s currentmindset, the image of God is influenced by his en-gagement with theological literature and a scientific approach to the Bible,moving awayfrom a literal understanding of the Holy Scripture to a personal interpretation of God’sways. Through these actions and processes, Werner may be concluding that commiser-ation is God’s main character trait. In the survey, his answers on the Representation ofGod scale suggest that his image of God is mostly benevolent and ineffable (in both sub-scales, he scores higher than the average of my sample), while the authoritarian and themystical side of God are still present in a moderate way. This way of engaging with hisbeliefs is making him rather content, since he is audibly smiling when talking about it,which may be due to the fact that he now feels liberated from the boundaries of any in-stitutionalized form of religion.The way he describes his image of God aligns well with the reconstruction of his re-ligiosity above. Coming from a fundamentalist and rigid religious background,Wernerputs a lot of effort in pointing out how his image of and relationship with God is veryindividual and better informed than that of his Protestant church.The interview quotesabove show that at time 2 and 3, his desire to distance himself from other people who donot seem to realize that an orthodox faith ismisleading.Hepresents himself as non-con-formist and as outspoken against those rules and views that he deems wrong. Thereby,he has the air of a missionary and this might be a heritage of his socialization with theWitnesses, even thoughWernerwould probably deny that.However, it can be stated thathe moved away from something if it did not seem fitting anymore during his lifetime.Through this process,Wernerfinally arrives at an image ofGod and a theology thatmeetshis standards and leaveshimsatisfied.Thismaybeonemore reason forhis changedman-ner and his gentler andmore appreciating tone toward Gudrun, relating to his accountson his wife and their marriage.9.2.4 Werner’s (Religious) Development—Triangulating the DataWerner is an experienced storyteller, and in his interviews, I found many implicit argu-mentation strategies, noticeably more than in most other interviews. The way he usestopoi, autobiographical arguments, and other strategies suggests that Werner is awareof the effects those have on his listeners.Themain character traits thatWerner attributesto his narrative identity are those of a non-conformist who notices earlier than mostpeople when there is “a fly on the ointment” as Gudrun states in her interviews. He isself-assured andmakes it clear during all timepoints that he considers his religious and270 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesworldview-related ideas as the right ones, having come to his respective conclusions bythorough intellectual engagement. As for his self-presentation, it could be establishedthat this remains stable over time.When it comes to his deconversion story at times 1 and 2, it becomes clear that thisis a story he is used to telling with his narrative being more honed and pointed the sec-ond time than during the first interview. At time 3, this story experiences a significantchange, gets less attention in the overall interview, and includes a change in the way hetalks about Gudrun, who is his most important relationship. This altered view on rela-tionships is mirrored in his style aspect maps in which the ratings for perspective takingand social horizon shift from mainly style 3 (mutual) to mainly style 4 (individuative-sys-temic). Overall,Werner’s first two interviewsweremainly rated stage/style 3, classifyinghim as a predominantly conventional type 2. It is remarkable that the questions dealingwithmorality, locus of authority, and form of world coherencewere mostly rated style 3, indi-cating that while he may have left various religious tradition criticizing them for theirabsolutistic tendencies, he refers to conventional models of explanation when it comesto those topics. This is still visible in his time 3 interview and may lead to the assump-tion that this is a stable trait of Werner’s. Notable, however, is the tendency for style 4 insymbolic function in his second and third interview.Here, it can be deduced that he is ableto translate symbols into concepts and ideas and thereby, while possibly still followinghis own ideology, going beyond a style 3 approach that would see symbols strongly influ-enced by authorities as for example the church. Most interesting is his shift from style3 to style 4 in the aspects perspective taking and social horizon. It seems as if Werner hasmanaged to widen his horizon and to arrive at a more systemic view on his life and hisrelationships in his old age. As for his religiosity,Werner is very focused on his personalbelief at time 1. In the other interviews, his statements contain many references towardsociety and questions of moral relevance. Knowing that he was the driving force behindthe couple’s exit from the Jehovah’sWitnesses, it comes as no surprise that he directs thatdesire to convincing people of his standpoint and of what he deems the right thing to door to believe. Aiming to reach a greater audience, he writes letters to the local newspaperand attends gatherings as a speaker to share his deconversion process. It becomes clearthat Werner went a long way and had to shed some chains on that route to finally arriveat a personalized relationshipwithGod inwhich hemeetsHim rationally and as intellec-tual equals.The answers to question 20 and regarding his image of God were both ratedstyle 3 at time 1, pointing to a conventional approach. At times 2 and 3, all of the answersto those questions were rated style 4, paying tribute to the fact that Werner’s argumen-tation appears to be more individualized and more reflective and less influenced fromauthorities or groups as it was the case at time 1. He is classified as a “mover upward”like his wife, albeit his first two interviews were calculated to be type 2 (predominantlyconventional)hilee the thirdwas type 3 (predominantly individuative-reflective,meaningthat the frequency of style 4 ratings exceeds that of style 3 ratings).Looking at his scores in the survey data, one can see a more nuanced impression ofWerner’s personality traits and his well-being:9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 271Table 31: Selected Data fromWerner’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Werner M(SD) Werner M(SD) Werner M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings- 2.63(1.17)2.20 2.42(1.12)2.20 2.60(1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice- 4.35(0.38)4.80 4.28(0.51)4.80 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog- 3.64(0.75)3.80 3.57(0.76)4.00 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 4.14 3.67(0.59)3.57 3.20(0.40)3.00 3.15(0.40)environmentalmastery 4.00 3.67(0.71)4.00 3.72(0.59)3.43 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.57 4.38(0.38)4.29 4.17(0.39)4.29 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers3.29 3.86(0.65)2.71 3.90(0.62)2.86 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 3.43 3.77(0.61)3.57 3.76(0.51)3.14 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance 3.71 3.79(0.68)3.86 3.86(0.62)3.00 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.33 3.42(0.78)4.08 3.40(0.70)3.00 3.40(0.68)extraversion 2.42 3.26(0.58)3.00 3.25(0.58)2.75 3.20 (0.56)openness to experience 3.00 3.90(0.47)3.17 3.89(0.49)3.17 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 2.75 3.74(0.46)3.17 3.73(0.44)3.17 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 4.08 3.70(0.49)4.08 3.76(0.51)3.45 3.78(0.50)On the RSS, it becomes apparent that Werner does not trust in a literal understand-ing of religious texts givenhis rather low scores on ttt.This is also something he hasmadeclear in all of his interviews. His scores on ftr and xenos are moderate to high, indicatingan open approach to worldviews different from his own. However, as can be seen on theNEO-FFI subscale for openness to experience, this curiosity seems to be limited, presum-ably, to peoplewho also hold some kind of religiousworldview,while he does not seem totakemore secular standpoints into account. As for his scores on well-being, one sees his272 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesscores on purpose in life declining over time. And while this may be expected in older age,it is surprising thatWerner would state he lacks a sense of meaning in his life. However,it might be hypothesized that by looking at his situation from the perspective of havinga defined sense in life, the lack of community might lead to those scores. A similar ex-planation can be found for his low score on self-acceptance at time 3. He may not feel assatisfied with himself and his situation as he used to, and this may correspond with therealization that, in contrast to his wife, he does not have any meaningful contacts out-side of his marriage andmaybe is slowly coming to regret certain decisions he hasmadewhich led to breaking bonds with friends (mirrored in his low scores on positive relationswith others).This interpretation is in accordance with the finding that self-acceptance doesnot change with age, but in interplay with (negative) life events (Tibubos et al., 2019).Declining scores for autonomy and environmentalmastery, theoretically explicable with oldage, seemmore related to the topic of a lack of sense and community while also aligningwith his declining score on emotional stability. Andwhile his score slightly increases in thelast two waves, it can also be seen that agreeableness, i.e. the desire and the ability to getalong well with others, is notWerner’s strongest personality trait.We get an image of Werner as a person who is constantly seeking personal enlight-enment, which leads to him leaving groups that do notmeet his standards anymore, butwhich does not enhance his personal well-being. Instead, this desire seems to keep himrestless and unsatisfied. Additionally, as can be derived from his milder view on his wifeand her way of believing and living her faith, it can be concluded thatWerner sees a dif-ferent, more satisfying way, which he does not seem to be able to achieve.9.3 Gudrun and Werner—Comparison and ConclusionTheconflict-ridden relationship that is omnipresent in Gudrun’s accounts (note that thisis the one thing she mentions first when asked for crises) and gets more attention andreflection in the course of the interviews, is mentioned more subtly and in a differentcontext in Werner’s interviews. Indeed, in his first interview, he admits to having hada severe crisis related to his job which made him unbearable for his family. Otherwise,he seems ignorant toward Gudrun’s unhappiness (at least in the interviews), which isexplained by his difficult childhood and adolescence in Gudrun’s second and third inter-views. This is a line of argumentation which is never directly addressed in Werner’s in-terviews. Instead, his “skeptical” stance is explained by his disappointments during hisworking life.When inWerner’s interviews conflictswithin theirmarriage are addressed,theymore often refer to the beginning of their relationship,blamingGudrun for drawinghim back into the sect.Accordingly, there is a difference to be observed regarding the tone they talk abouteach other. While Gudrun is either critical or compassionate regarding her husband’sflaws (depending onwhether or not she is focusing on the reasons for his behavior beinggrounded in his childhood),Werner appears conceited when talking about how hemadehis wife come to realize themisdirection of the groups she was following. Conversely, hetalks about Gudrun with a considerable amount of respect and appreciation, especiallywhen it comes to her own professional life.Moreover, he underlines the way they discuss9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 273everything among each other,which iswithout “secrets and reservations.”This culture ofdiscussion is not described in such a direct manner by Gudrun, even though it becomesclear in her later interviews that they do discuss their relationship problems openly.From all of the interviews of both spouses, there is no doubt thatWerner is perceivedas the leading person in their relationship. He talks about how he has “opened her eyes,”especially when it comes to questions of faith with both of their deconversions havingoriginated inWerner’s intellectual doubts toward the respective doctrine andmoral crit-icisms of the communities. For him, this is not problematic, having good reasons for hisdecisions and therefore being convinced of doing the right thing. His wife, while see-ing his point regarding the wrongness of certain teachings, (even though this may bemainly due to severe persuasive efforts byWerner,) suffers because of the ensuing lack ofcommunity.This indicates that she does not shareWerner’s moral concerns to the sameextent and instead values the communal practice of faith more highly than the differ-ences that Werner perceives. Interestingly,Werner seems to realize in his last interviewthat exactly those communities that he used to demonize giveGudrun an advantage overhimself since she has other people to talk towhile he does not have any othermeaningfulrelationship beside his wife as he freely admits in his last interview. Gudrun seems tosense thesemixed feeling s and portrays them as jealousy, not without a note of satisfac-tion.Despite all the differences outlined here, it also becomes clear that a shared faith anda shared practice of faith are the basis for their long-term relationship. In her first inter-view, Gudrun states:I know these religious disputes sufficiently, since I see things differently, from anemotional angle, in contrast to my husband, who sees it more rationally. But wealways come to the point that … Because my husband also has a relationship withGod, like I have. And so we both can confidently hold it out to God and say, “Helpus to get back on one track.”56 (Gudrun, FDI, time 1)The ability to go to God with all of their difficulties together seems to be the core of theirmarriage. In this quote, God serves as a form of counsellor who stands outside of thedyad and is neutral yet benevolent toward both of them. However, the quote also pointsout that the way their faith is perceived individually and subjectively differs.Comparing their respective paths of living their faith, it becomes clear that GudrunandWerner, despite sharing a commonbase, go in different directions regardingwhat isimportant for them and how they practice their religiosity. Gudrun’s religiosity becomesmore individualized over the years and she seems less concerned with others’ opinions.While this may be seen as an improvement, it becomes clear through analysis that thisprocess for her happened involuntarily.Due to following her husbandwhenhewanted toleave thegroupsbehind,she isnowdeprivedof a lot of social contacts sheused to cherish.Yet, she keeps some bonds in form of her prayer circles and old friends. In contrast to hiswife, Werner has more of a moral claim, and he is convinced that his way of pursuingnew and deeper knowledge of his faith is the right one.Thereby, he adopts a missionarystance at times, which his wife lacks completely.274 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesSummed up, it seems that the two spouses are two sides of one coin: Gudrun issympathizing with the emotional side and the benefits of being religious. Her leitmotif,which is constant over the years, might be “God as a pillar of strength.” Werner repre-sents themore rational, intellectual approach to being religious, and his leitmotif mightbest be described as “Seeking (and teaching) personal enlightenment.” This seems tobe a gap within their shared faith that is hard to overcome, even though it seems thatGudrun is more willing to hear about Werner’s arguments and integrate them withinher own faith system.Notes1 Gudrun andWerner’s faithful journey has also been portrayed in Bullik (2022).2 Ich habe einfach eine tiefe Beziehung zu Jesus und vor allen Dingen, das hat sicheigentlich erst jetzt auch in den letzten Jahren so entwickelt, dass ich denVater ent-deckt habe. Und „Abba“, „Vater“ sagen kann und die Vaterliebe erfahre. Da bin ichganz glücklich immer.3 Gudrun was part of the Deconversion Revisited book project as well, so parts ofthe analysis of her first two interviews can also be found in Bullik, Steppacher, andKeller (2022a).4 Und wir waren, man kann sagen, so ab ‘75, schon in ner heftigen Diskussion mit-einander. […] Und ich denk, dass das auch mit alles dazu beigetragen hat, dass wirdann diesen Ausstieg auch so problemlos geschafft haben, eigentlich. […] Weil, ichwar die Überzeugte und ich spürte, wie mein Mann immer mehr abdriftet. Aber,ja, wie soll ich sagen? Ich hab schon versucht, ihn zu halten. Und hab immer auchnoch mit Gegenargumenten gearbeitet. Mein Mann, der hat dann auch Literatur,alles Mögliche, bestellt. Und da spürte ich dann, als ich da so dieses erste Buch inHänden hielt, jetzt ist aus. Ich wusste, jetzt ist es vorbei. Und dann habe ich dasaber selber gelesen, und komisch, das war in dem Moment, fiel’s mir wirklich wieSchuppen von den Augen. […] Es war wohl dieser Prozess, der dahin geführt hat.Ichwar immer noch, ja, es ist ja dieWahrheit. Aber dannwar das wirklich: „Jetzt istvorbei.“5 Und da kam in der Zeit dieser Umbruch bei den Zeugenmit der Endzeitgeschichte‘75, […] wo wir ganz stark ins Nachdenken gekommen sind, vor allen Dingen meinMann, ich habe ja da noch heftig dagegen gearbeitet. Für mich war das halt dieWahrheit, die Zeugen.Daswar halt das Richtige. […] Ach ja, und dann hatte ichKol-leginnen, die kirchlich sehr aktiv waren und eben ich sage jetzt mal fromme Leute,wo ich eben auch kennengelernt habe, dass das eben ganz normale Menschen sindund nette Menschen sind. Und dann kam, dass ich schwanger wurde mit 42, […].Und das war dann das Signal des Ausstiegs bei den Zeugen. Also die Schwanger-schaft hat da eine große Rolle mitgespielt. […] Mein Mann ist immer eigentlich dader Federführende und der hat immer als Erstes irgendwo gemerkt, wenn wo derHase der Pfeffer (lacht) liegt. Der war bei den Zeugen da derjenige, der uns rausge-holt hat, muss ich sagen.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 2756 Zwischendrin war ja der Ausstieg von den Zeugen, das habe ich jetzt vergessen, daskommt noch dazwischen. Das war in den 70er Jahren. Und zwar, ich war über 40und wurde plötzlich schwanger. Und das war irgendwie mit ein Auslöser, dass wirgesagt haben, also, vor allen Dingen mein Mann war derjenige, der schon- er hat-te ja schon immer Probleme mit den Zeugen. Er hat von Anfang an gesagt: „Wennich die heirate, bin ich mit den Zeugen auch verheiratet.“ Also er hat indirekt mirimmer, empfinde ich das so, mehr oder weniger die Schuld gegeben. Ich sage im-mer: „Du hast mich doch geheiratet und nicht die Zeugenzeit.“ (lacht) Aber es warso. Naja, er hat da sehr gehadert, weil er gespürt hat, er liefert sich einer Sache ausundwas er eigentlich nicht wollte. Ichmuss auch dazu sagen, ich bin eigentlich einMensch, der, ja, sehr leicht auch zu beeinflussen ist. Wenn ich was höre, was michinteressiert,dann sage ich: „Jau,okay“,wenn (lächelt) ichwas anderes höre,dann istes wieder-. Aber, wie gesagt, die Begeisterung dann später nach dem Ausstieg vonden Zeugen und dann hier die charismatische Szene, die hat mich nochmal ganzstark beeinflusst.7 Und da habe ich eine Stelle gehabt, fing da an als kleine Laborantin, weil die da ei-ne gesucht haben und habe ich gedacht: „Das ist eine Chance“ und habe dann dieStelle später übernommen und war dann die [Beruf A] von der Firma [X]. […] Unddie Zeit war sehr prägend für mich, weil ich da einen Kollegenkreis hatte und eine(seufzend) ach,ungeheureFreiheit erlebt habegeradedurchdieKollegenunddurchdie Arbeit, die ich da hatte. […] Ich bin da auch reingewachsen. Ich war dann auchAutodidakt, weil ich vieles überhaupt nicht gelernt hatte, […] und habe mich da inviele Projekte reinarbeitenmüssen. […]Und gerade diese zumTeil sehr schwierigenSachen, da habe ich mich halt reingefuchst und dann ging das.8 Spending the first part of her life in the newly foundedGermanDemocratic Repub-lic might have influenced Gudrun’s stance toward working women, though, sincegainful employment for both sexes was much more common in and supported bytheGDR government (see for example Sammet and Bergelt (2012) reviewing figuresthat support this hypothesis). This part of her biography might also serve as an ex-planation for her loyalty to Jehovah’s Witnesses since, in the GDR, this communitywas prohibited, and parts of her family were sent to jail due to their membership.9 Und da bekam ich dann die Chance, bei der Firma [X] […]. Ich muss immer wiedersagen, das war die schönste Zeit meines Lebens in der Firma. Tolle Kollegen, tollerZusammenhalt, interessanteAufgaben.Also ichhabe als Fotografindaallesmachenmüssen,was es gibt. Ichmusste Produkte fotografieren, ichmusste imLabor, in derForschung, in der Technik, dann Jubiläen und, ja, Werkzeitung. Und ach, eben einbreites Band. Und das war wirklich abwechslungsreich und toll.10 Natürlich,Krisenzeiten, inunsererEhe,waren immerwiederda. […] Ichhab inmei-ner Ehe viel geweint. [I:Was ist damit Ihnen passiert?] Ich hab dann eigentlich im-mer wieder zurückgefunden, Trost gefunden, und das ist auch, wenn jetzt das hartauf hart mal geht.Man ist jetzt im Alter noch dünnhäutiger und empfindlicher. Ichkann damit zu Gott gehen und kann ihm das hinhalten und ich fühl mich dann ge-tröstet und getragen und ich weiß, es gibt nenWeg. […] [I: Welchen Einfluss hattendiese Erfahrungen?] Dass ich einerseits wohl in diesen Momenten auf Gott gewor-fen bin, mehr denn je. Dass ich auch vor allen Dingen gelernt hab, demjenigen zu276 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesvergeben, der mir wehgetan hat und hab dadurch ne ganz große Befreiung erfah-ren.11 Krisenzeiten gab es in der Ehe. (lange Pause) Wo man wirklich gedacht hat, jetztmuss ich davonlaufen. (lacht) Aber das Gute bei uns beiden ist, dasswir immerwie-der uns dann versöhnen konnten und in der jetzigen Zeit ist es so … also ich mussIhnen ehrlich sagen, mein Mann ist manchmal ... der hat ja eine furchtbare Kind-heit und hat eine wirklich schlimme Zeit in der Jugend erlebt; er kann nicht lieben.Er kann es mit keiner Geste mir zeigen, dass er mich mag. Das kann er nicht. Erkann es nicht. Das sagt er auch, er kann es nicht. Und dann kommt es eben, dasser mich auch oft beleidigt und mir sehr weh tut. Weil er also eine sehr grobe Arthat dann. (lacht, lachend weiter) Ich weiß nicht, ob ich das sagen darf hier, aber esist so. Und jetzt kommt es, dass ich drum bete, dass ich ihn so sehe, wie Jesus ihnsieht. Denn Jesus liebt ihn. Und er liebt Jesus. Das weiß ich. Und da wird mir dieLiebe zu ihm geschenkt. Und ich kann dannmit dieser Art immer besser umgehen.Ich staune dann manchmal selber: Früher war das so, dass ich dann tagelang auchgeschmollt habe,wennmal wieder irgend so eine schlimme Phasewar.Und ichwardannbeleidigt undhabemit ihmnichtmehrgeredet.Das ist nichtmehrder Fall. Ichkanndas sofort, ich sage jetztmalwegstecken, aber ichweiß,dass das nicht vonmirkommt;dassmirdasgeschenktwird.Unddas ist ebenauchdieGebetserhörung im-mer wieder: „Schenkt mir die Liebe, die ich jetzt für ihn brauche.“ (klatscht)Weil erist ein ganz armer Kerl imGrunde genommen,wennmanweiß,wo das herkommt,in welchem Eisenpanzer er drinsteckt und nicht rauskommt, ... (lange Pause) ... erist halt auch einMensch, ein Verstandesmensch, und ich habe ihm unheimlich vielzu verdanken. Ich weiß, dass ich ohne ihn nie so eine Entwicklung durchgemachthätte.12 Ja, das ist, die Krisenzeiten sind in der Ehe. Mein Mann hat sich halt auch immergegen meinenWillen durchgesetzt und hat Dinge gemacht, die ich nicht nachvoll-ziehen konnte. […] Aberwas ich begreifenmusste unddas,muss ich sagen,das habeich eigentlich auch jetzt erst so in letzter Zeit richtig begriffen. Obwohl ich das im-mer gewusst habe.Er hatte eine ganz schlimmeKindheit.Er hat unter seinemVatergelitten, unter denUmständenmit Ehescheidung und soweiter.Und da ist erwirk-lich bis ins Mark geschädigt. Und das geht ihm bis heute nach. Und ich musste be-greifen, dass er diese Lieblosigkeit und dieses in sich hat und… er kann keine Liebezeigen. Also mein Mann kannmich nicht in den Arm nehmen. […] Und das mussteich begreifen,da ist irgendwie eineBlockade, ich denke immer,der braucht (lächelt)in Anführungsstrichen auch da nochHeilung.Aber die andere Seite ist, dass ich dasjetzt wirklich verinnerlicht habe.Undmanhadert ja, als Fraumöchteman ja Zunei-gung, […] Ichweiß aber trotzdem,dass er zumir steht undmich auch aufmeine Artja schätzt und mag. Und ich habe begriffen, dass er unheimlich viel Liebe braucht.Und ich muss diese Kraft aufbringen, ihn zu lieben so wie er ist. (lacht) Ja und dasmuss ich Ihnen sagen, ich war ja auch ein eigensinniger Mensch immer auch. […]Ich bin gegen angegangen, ich habe mit ihm gekämpft und dort Gefechte und Dis-kussionen, ohneEnde.Aber ichweiß, dass es nix bringt.Unddas empfinde ich jetztso als ein großesGeschenk,wennauch schlimmeAuseinandersetzungenhinter unsliegen. […] Und dann kann ich auf ihn zugehen und kann ihn in den Arm nehmen.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 277Und ich merke, dass ihm das ja dann auch gut tut. (lacht) Ja, das ist für mich eingroßes Geschenk, dass ich das kann. Ich konnte das früher nicht. Früher habe ichdrei Tage auch nicht mehr mit ihm geredet, wenn was Schlimmes war. Aber jetztkann ich das: Schwamm drüber. Und das kostet natürlich auch immer wieder vielKraft.13 Ja, ja. Er hat da mehr Probleme mit. Er sieht das vielleicht auch viel nüchterner.Ich kann manches dann auch entschuldigen. […] Ich seh dann den Menschen, derdahinter steht und denk, der macht das nicht bösartig. Ich mein, ich rede ja auchmal und mache da was falsch. […] Vielleicht, dass mein Mann da manches bessereinordnen kann. Ich weiß es nicht. Aber-. Gut.14 Mein Mann ist immer eigentlich da der Federführende und der hat immer als Ers-tes irgendwo gemerkt, wenn wo der Hase der Pfeffer (lacht) liegt. Er war bei denZeugen derjenige, der uns rausgeholt hat,muss ich sagen. Und auch da in der cha-rismatischenBewegungwar er derjenige, der gesagt hat: „Du,da stimmtwas nicht“unddas ist ... ja. Ichhabemich sehrwohlgefühlt unddaswar fürmich einEinbruch,weil er dann sehr dagegen gearbeitet hat, dass ich auch vondiesemganzenUmtriebda frei werde und ... das war fürmich eine- (leise) ist eigentlich eine sehr schlimmeZeit. Da habe ich sehr viel geweint.Weil ich immer gemeint habe, ich verliere mei-nen Glauben und ich habe dann nichts mehr. Weil ich immer gemeint habe: „Dasist es! Und nur so kannst du deinen Glauben pflegen oder ausüben ... in dieser Ge-meinschaft.“15 Er hat mich ja immer geprägt auch. UndwasmeinMann gesagt hat, das wurde ge-macht. Da gab es keinenWiderspruch. Und da habe ichmich auch oft ausgeliefert,um des lieben FriedensWillens und habe gemacht, was er sagt. Und wie gesagt, eswarmanches richtig undgut, aber imMoment kämpfe ich,muss ich sagen, aus die-ser engen Bindung raus. Er hat größte Probleme, dass ich mich mit Frauen treffe,weil er danichtmitkriegt,wasdapassiert.Under (lächelt) kanndasnicht begreifen,dass wir bloß quatschen.16 Geistige Verbindung im Gebet mit Gott.17 Vereinigung vonMenschen, die über Gott und dieWelt nachdenken.18 [I: Halten Sie sich für religiös, gläubig oder für spirituell?] (Lacht) Das letzte nicht.Äh, religiös möchte ich eigentlich auch nicht, weil, religiöse Menschen, das ist jaauch irgend so was Fanatisches. […] Also so, das verbinde ich jetzt damit. [I: Wärgläubig dann das Wort?] Gläubig klingt mir fast zu schwach. (lacht) [I: Ah ja. Wiewürden Sie sich dann bezeichnen?] Überzeugter Christ. (lacht) Gläubig, ich glaubean Gott. Ich glaube an die Auferstehung.19 [I: Halten Sie sich für religiös, ...] Ja! [I: oder auch für spirituell oder für gläubig?]Einfach für alles. Von jedem was. […] Also ich bin gläubig, bin spirituell [und reli-giös.] [I: Und was bedeutet das für Sie?] […] Ich fühle mich in dieser Rolle gut. Undwenn jemandmitdemFinger zeigtundsagt: „Guckt,dakommteineFromme“,dannmachtmirdas auchnichts aus. […]Aber ja, religiös ist an sich richtiger. [I:Dasheißt,Sie fühlen sich dem Christentum verbunden.] Ja.20 Religiös, ja. Also, ja, das ist schon ausgeprägt. Also, die letzte Frage war ja, gläubig?Gläubig gehört ja da auch mit rein, ne? [I: Genau, gläubig auch und spirituell hießdie Frage, ja.] Ich glaube und ... und dieser Glaube, dass es einenGott gibt und dass278 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesJesus ... uns als die Person gegenübertritt als Erlöser, Bruder und was auch immer,Hirte, das macht mich dann religiös, dass ich dann an ihn glaube. (lächelt) Ja. [I:Was bedeutet das für Sie?] Das trägt, ja, das ist gut.21 Ich hab eigentlich, das ist mir wohl in die Wiege gelegt worden, Urvertrauen. […]Also ich komm aus einem religiösen Hintergrund. […] Eigentlich kann ich sagen,es war kontinuierlich immer, auch bei den Zeugen hab ich immer Zeiten gehabt,das muss ich sagen, Notzeiten oder wenn Probleme waren und Krisenzeiten. VonGott keine Antwort bekam. Ich hab da gebetet und es blieb alles so. […] Aber diesesUrvertrauen, das blieb. [I: Was bedeutet Gott heute für Sie?] Dass er der Schöpferundmein Vater ist. Ich kann sagen, „Abba“, „Vater“.22 Ich habe einfach eine tiefe Beziehung zu Jesus und vor allen Dingen, das hat sicheigentlich erst jetzt auch in den letzten Jahren so entwickelt, dass ich denVater ent-deckt habe. Und „Abba“, „Vater“ sagen kann und die Vaterliebe erfahre. Da bin ichganz glücklich immer. […] [I: Und das war früher eben nicht so?] Nein. Es war so-gar so, dass ich in manchen Freizeiten oder Seminaren-, […] und ich weiß noch,wie ich da mit der Leiterin gerungen habe, „ich möchte mal die Nähe so erfahren,wie das andere erfahren und ich höre nichts und […] ich habe das nie, nie diese Er-fahrung gemacht.“ Und ich habe immer gesagt: „Das muss mir ja doch geschenktwerden. Ich muss es doch auch erleben. […]“ Und es war nie was. Und als ich dannweg war von dieser ganzen Sache, da spürte ich plötzlich die Nähe Jesu. Und dannjetzt die Entwicklung zumVater hin, sagenwirmal so seit zwei, drei Jahren. […] Ichfühle mich einfach geborgen und ich habe eine tiefe Gewissheit auch, dass ich ge-führt werde und dass er mir beisteht und vor allen Dingen auch, dass ich oft so dasErlebnis habe, dass er meine Gebete erhört. Gerade wenn ich in einer schwierigenSituation bin.23 Also das Weltbild als solches hat sich… Ich meine, ich habe zum Beispiel immer andie Evolutionstheorien (lächelt) geglaubt und ichmeine, zwar nicht an die sechs Ta-ge, aber […]. Und diese Erkenntnis, die neuste Erkenntnis über die Evolution undso weiter, das hat mich dann auch vomHocker gerissen, sage ich mal. Insofern hatsich das Weltbild schon geändert. […] Ich meine, zum Teil hatte ich Probleme, amAnfang, aber jetzt, das ist für mich sonnenklar, wie das jetzt ist. Und mein Gottes-bild ist dadurch in keiner Weise betroffen, weil das für mich sowieso immer meinHalt war, dass ich wusste, dass ich in Jesu Händen bin und dass ich von ihm gebor-gen und gehalten mich weiß. […] Wo ich von den Zeugen bin zum Beispiel, da wardas plötzlich dieses Befreiende, Mensch, der Mann, der ist es. Und der hält dich.Und das ist in allen Phasen eigentlich geblieben. Und jetzt durch dieses Lesen vondem Eugen Biser, der dann am Schluss sagt, was die Kirche und überhaupt erken-nenmuss, dass sie wegmuss von dem strafenden Gott und erkennenmuss, dass erein Gott der unendlichen Liebe ist. […] Und das leuchtet mir völlig ein.24 Und ja, wir lebten als gute Kirchenchristen. Ich hatte aber immer irgendwo ein Ge-fühl, dassmir irgendwas fehlt. Esmüsste noch weiter gehen.Und der Umzug hier-her war ja auch ich sag immer, ne Fügung. […] Und wir kamen dann hier in die Ge-meinde und hatten dann diesen Hauskreis, wo wir uns regelmäßig getroffen ha-ben. Und da eben auch viele heiße Diskussionen waren, die sehr offen waren. […]Und dann wurden hier in der Gemeinde Glaubenskurse angeboten. Und da bin ich9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 279dann hingegangen und beim zweiten hat dann mein Mann mitgemacht. Und daswar für uns dann Neubelebung unseres Glaubens. Und das war meine sehr tolle(lacht) Hochphase. […] Wir haben wieder tolle Leute kennengelernt, […]. Ich denk,dass das auch für unswichtig war, diese Erfahrung zumachen, ja, ich sag jetztmal,woman, das ist (lacht) ne andere Dimension nochmal wie das sonntags brav in dieKirche gehen, sondern das-, und das war für mich und ist es eigentlich heut noch,ein lebendigerGottesdienst.Wodas nicht steif und streng zugeht, sondernwomanfrei ist, auch äh, ja, beim Singen aufsteht oder sich hinsetzt. Wo einfach eine Frei-heit ist.Wie man sich fühlt, so kannman sich da bewegen.25 Ja, da könnte ich sagen, ja. Und das sind, sagen wir jetzt mal, die Grundsätze derBibel. Also Gebote, da würde ich sagen, die sollten wir beachten. Es gibt bestimmteDinge, die sich immer zum Schaden für die Menschen dann ausgewirkt haben, […]die sich nie als positiv ausgewirkt haben. Obwohl man heute, die Freiheit, ich sagjetzt mal, gerad auch im sexuellen Gebiet, als toll empfindet und als Befreiung, esmag sein. Aber es wirkt sich für die Menschen letztlich nicht zum Positiven aus. [I:Meinen Sie jetzt die zehn Gebote zum Beispiel?] Ich meine, im Groben, die zehnGebote zusammengefasst.Du sollst Gott über alles lieben und deinenNächstenwiedich selbst. Undwenn ichmeinenNächsten liebe, tue ich ihmnichts Böses. Ich töteihn nicht, ich stehle nicht und so weiter. Das ist ja da drin. Und Jesus hat es eben indiesen zwei Geboten zusammengefasst.26 Ich denke, dass wir die Bibel haben und dass wir die zehn Gebote haben. Aber ichdenke, dass es eben auch das Neue, womit man sich jetzt ja immer mehr beschäf-tigt,dassmandochauch invielenPunktenwasneuüberdenktundneuüberlegtundmanchesdochanders verstehtundbestimmteDinge-,also früherwar fürmichzumBeispiel Homosexualität einThema,was ich total abgelehnt habe. Ich sehe das heu-te anders. Das ist ja auch eine Entwicklung undman versteht das heute anders. […]Das sind Dinge, wo man umdenkt. Und so gibt es eben auch Grundsätze, wo manmanchmal denkt: „Naja, musst du das doch so annehmen, wie es sich jetzt entwi-ckelt hat“ und versteht es dann auch anders. Oder besser. […] Ja, ja. Also ich denkeimmer,wir stehen ja nicht still.Es ist doch immerwieder einProzess,wowasNeueserforscht wird, jetzt die neue Bibelwissenschaft in den letzten 30 Jahren, was sichda Neues entwickelt hat und neue Erkenntnisse über Gebote und Gesetze und soweiter.27 [I: Und gibt es moralische Grundsätze, über die wir uns alle einig sein sollten?]Schön wäre es. Aber ist nicht möglich. Ich denke auch, es gibt da so unterschiedli-che Auffassungen. Und gerade jetzt auch das, was immer wieder noch hochkocht,das Thema Homosexualität oder sowas. Ich meine, gut, da hatte ich ja auch malganz große Probleme und es ist schwierig, wenn man das sieht als normal fühlen-derMensch, der entwickelt sich jetzt ja da in die falsche Richtung. Aber ich kann danicht drüber urteilen, weil ich inzwischen auch weiß, dass es so viele Faktoren eineRolle spielt, dass ein Mensch in die oder jene Richtung kippt. Und er ist deshalbkein schlechter Mensch. Und deshalb kann ich das, ja, nicht sagen, so oder so istrichtig und falsch und Punkt, aus.28 Ja, ichweiß nicht. Ich denke immer, ich bin so einMensch, der in gewisserHinsichtin sich ruht. Ich habe so eine Glaubensgewissheit, ich binmit mir im Einklang und280 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesmit meiner Umwelt und meine Gabe ist es auch, dass ich auch auf jeden zugehenkann und dass ich die Menschen, die mir begegnen und auch aus dem Freundes-kreis undwenn sie noch so schwierig sind, dass ichmit denen umgehen kann.Dassich die annehme und trotzdem liebevoll in den Armen nehmen kann, obwohl sievielleicht gegenteiliger Meinung sind.29 Als jetzt bibelwissenschaftlich aufgeklärter Mensch muss ich eben sagen: Glaubenja, aber bitte beachten, dass es keinWortglaube ist,wie er oft praktiziert undwie eroft verstanden wird.30 Ich würde sagen Kindheit, Urvertrauen in der Kindheit würde ich ein Kapitel über-schreiben. Das ist der wichtige Punkt, den wir allen Zeugen voraushaben, die hin-eingeborenworden sind.Wir haben als Kinder einUrvertrauen in der Kindheit ver-mittelt bekommen. […] Ichweißnur,dassmeineMutter immergesagthat,wenn ichin denKindergarten gegangen bin, ich soll beten.Das habe ich dann gemacht: „Lie-ber Gott, lass heut wieder Fliegeralarm sein, dass wir wieder in den Keller können.”31 Also der Beginnmeiner Bekanntschaftmit den Zeugen Jehovas war etwa 1949, 1950,durch meine Mutter, die damals in einer schweren Lebenskrise war. […] Und dannkamen die ersten Zeugen an die Tür. Und die hatten damals, nach dem Krieg, eingroßes Phänomen.Weil sie für sich in Anspruch nehmen konnten: „Wir waren dieeinzigen Christen, die für unsere Wehrdienstverweigerung ins KZ gegangen sind.Beziehungsweise uns haben sie auch hinrichten lassen.“ Hatten also damals einenguten Ruf und alsmeineMutter dann einigermaßenwieder auf die Füße kam, gingsie da mit in die Versammlung. […] 1950 wurden sie in der DDR verboten. Wegenihres sehr stark antikommunistischen Kurses, den man verfolgt hat. […] und dannging es im Untergrund weiter. Das sind die Zeugen ja gewöhnt, dass sie dann imUntergrund weitermachen. Das haben sie im Dritten Reich auch schon gemacht.Da haben sie große Erfahrung drin. Dass man sich also konspirativ, getroffen hat.[…]Unddannwurde die Ehe geschieden. […]Unddann kamdas Jugendamt und hatihr die Erziehungsberechtigung als Zeugin Jehovas abgesprochen. Und ich sollte innen Jugendheim. Und da hat sie dann die Flucht eingeleitet. […] Gut, wir sind alsFlüchtlinge anerkannt worden und sind dann ausgeflogen worden nach [Stadt F][…]. Und da muss ich jetzt sagen, da kam dieser Punkt, wo ich merkte, das wirdjetzt ziemlichernst.Wirhatten jaLiteratur.Bücher,vor allenDingendenWachturmund Erwachet. […] Und dann muss man das also daheim studieren und wird es inder Versammlung noch mal durchgenommen und noch mal gelesen. […] Und [ichdachte]: „MeineGüte,daskann jaheiterwerden.“Undeswurdeheiter. […]Unddannkamnochdazu, […]Missionsdienst. […]Und ich fandes furchtbar.Alsodie […] Leutefrüh belästigen mit irgendwas, was sie gar nicht wissen wollten. […] Und ich hattemeine Frau zwar kennengelernt, das heißt, eben als Zeugin. […] Und ja,man lerntesich dann doch nen bisserl näher kennen und dann begann das fürmich persönlichVerhängnisvolle, dass sich ein Freundeskreismit jungenZeugen bildete. […]Unddawar ich wieder voll drin. […]32 Eine ganze Kleinigkeit, die mir bis heute nachgeht. […] Äh, in [der Versammlungin Stadt R], wurde eine junge Schwester, eine Zeugin ausgeschlossen, hatte Ge-meinschaftsentzug,weil sie ein Kind gekriegt hat, ein uneheliches Kind.Das ist fürdie Zeugen, zumindest damals, Grund zum Ausschluss. Und als diese junge Frau9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 281mit ihrem Kinderwagen, den sicherlich irgend nen Außenstehender getragen hatund kein Zeuge, […] jedenfalls, wir haben sie im Treppenhaus des Zeugengebäudesgrußlos an uns vorüber ziehen lassen. Und dafür schäme ich mich heut noch. Dasgehtmir bis heute nach.Dass auch ich so indoktriniertwar, undwir uns beide nichtwohlgefühlt haben mit dieser Verhaltensweise. Also, das wäre mal nen Punkt, dermir irgendwo hängen geblieben ist, dass es irgendwo doch nicht deckungsgleichist, denn ein Hardliner hätte keine, hat keine Gewissensbisse.33 Ja, also, stark geprägt wurde mein Lebensabschnitt ja durch die Zugehörigkeit zuder religiösen Sondergemeinschaft der Zeugen Jehovas. Heute sagt man ja nichtmehr „Sekte“, sondern sagt vornehm „religiöse Sondergemeinschaft. Und dieserLebensabschnitt war stark geprägt bis eben zumeinem Ausstieg. […] Dann (seufzt)war die Freiheit, die geistige Freiheit, natürlich zu spüren, die man dann hatte. […]Das interessante ist: Ich bin eigentlich atheistisch erzogen worden, ja. Das heißt,ich hatte überhaupt keine religiöse Beziehung.Und alsmeineMutter dann in dieseSekte hineingeraten ist aufgrund einer persönlichen Lebenskrise, […] dann kam jadie Zeugen an die Tür und die hatten damals ja einen großen Rückhalt. Sie warendiejenigen, die unterHitler den Kriegsdienst verweigert haben, [und deswegen] imKZwaren. […]Unddann kamdie Ehescheidungund ihrwurde das Erziehungsrechtabgesprochen und ich hätte also dann in ein Heim gemusst und dann ist sie in denWesten geflüchtet, weil sie hatte schon damals Kontakt nach [Stadt F], und zwardie Zeugen hatten damals organisiert, dassWestleute Ostleute sozusagen als Patenübernehmen. […] Und ichwar eigentlich, als ichmeine Lehre beendet hatte,war icheigentlich schon auf dem Absprung. Ich war uninteressiert an weiteren Religionenund diesem ganzen Quatsch. Und lernte aber dann da meine Frau kennen und bindadurch wieder hineingeraten. […] Also da ist der Abschnitt ... ich muss es doch ander Religion festmachen. Beruflich kann ich es eigentlich schlecht festmachen. Ichhabe mehrfach einen Stellenwechsel gehabt, […] aber die Lebensabschnitte würdeich eigentlich lieber anmeiner religiösen Entwicklung festmachen.34 Einmal 25 Jahre Mitglied in einer Sekte, der Zeugen Jehovas. Bedingt als Kind hin-eingeraten durch die Mutter, also nicht von selber. Und dann in der Sekte geheira-tet und dabei eben geblieben, bis nach 25 Jahren das Erwachen kam. Die Feststel-lung, dass die Sekte theologisch total danebenliegt. Das war der ein Abschnitt, derzweite Abschnitt, ich mache es jetzt an Religionen fest, man könnte es auch Berufändern. Der zweite Abschnitt war dann Austritt aus der Gemeinde, aus der Sekte.Dann Geburt unserer Tochter. Und bedingt durch die Geburt auch dann eine Hin-wendung zur evangelischen Landeskirche. Und dort eben Eintritt. Und dann ebendurch Ortswechsel, kam dann auch mit dem neuen Pfarrer in der neuen Gemein-de, die charismatische Ausrichtung zum Tragen. Undmanwar begeistert,man hatVorträge besucht, Kongresse besucht. Und dann kam das dritte Erwachen, näm-lich die Erkenntnis, auch diese charismatische Ausrichtung führt in Sackgassen,auch geistig bleibt man stehen. Und es kam ein drittes Erwachen, nämlich durchhören von theologischenVorträgen,eine völlig neueSicht der biblischenTexte, auchausderwissenschaftlichenPerspektive zuuntersuchen,zuhinterfragen,zuverglei-chenmit außerbiblischen Texten, sei es assyrischer, babylonischer oder ägyptischeGeschichtsschreibung.Und das hat eben nochmal zu einemweiteren Erwachen ge-282 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesführt, sodass ich mich heute theologisch sattelfest fühle. Und ich merke das auchin Gesprächen mit irgendwelchen Pfarrern, es ist eine Ebene. Gut, das wären Ab-schnitte, meine Lebensabschnitte theologisch.35 Und das waren anderthalb ganz schwierige Jahre. Da war ich eher dem Selbstmordnahe als allem anderen. Meine Frau kann nen Lied davon singen. Meine Tochterauch. Lachenwar verboten. Also ab Sonntagmittag konnte ich nichtsmehr gebrau-chen, keinen Spaß und keinWitz und nix mehr. Da stand dann der Montag vor derTür […] [I: Was würden Sie rückblickend sagen, was ist damals mit Ihnen passiertundwelchenEinflusshattendieseErfahrungen?] Ichbin voneinemhohenRossher-untergestiegen. Ich wurde ganz klein. Ich hatte ja als, als Einkäufer in einer [gro-ßen] Firma werden Sie ja hofiert, von den Vertretern. Da sind Sie wer. […] Und dasind Sie immermit einemHochgefühl heimgekommen.Und da habe ich auchmei-ne Frau mies behandelt. Dieses Hochgefühl und so hat sich auch hier ausgewirkt.Hab sie auch so von oben runter behandelt. Aber sie war ja selber berufstätig undsie konnte das dann kommentieren,weil sie in ihrer Firmawas war. Aber das, dieseist mir da gründlich vergangen. Die Hochnäsigkeit oder, oder dieses-. Da habe ichirgendwo ne sehr unangenehme Eigenschaft.36 Und die Krise, die richtige, schwere Krise, war der Stellenwechsel […], die Krise hatetwa zwei Jahre gedauert. [I:Welchen Einfluss hatten diese Erfahrungen so?] DieseEnttäuschunghatmich jetzt zumSkeptiker gemacht,waspersönlicheBeziehungenanbelangt. Die wirklich sehr zu hinterfragen und eben ja, sie nicht zu eng werdenzu lassen, weil da könnte ja die nächste Enttäuschung kommen. […] Also ich binnicht mehr der überschäumende, freudevolle Mensch, bin skeptisch, was alles sopassieren kann.37 Also die größte Krise war der letzte Berufswechsel in diese [Fabrik] von Firma [X],Weltmarktführer, ja, das war eine solche ... Pleite, also das ... unvorstellbar. Also dawar ich in einer riesen Krise ... und kann man gar nicht beschreiben. Ja und dannnatürlich,undauchwie immer,wennesmir in einerFirmagutging,wennesgut liefund hatte sich wieder etabliert und hat eine Abteilung geführt, ja. Plötzlich heißt,verlagert. Ja. Und ich war gebunden, ortsgebunden. Auch durch meine Frau, dieeine sehr gute berufliche Stellung hatte bei der Firma [Y], […], überall ist sie rum-gekommen. Sie war bekannt wie ein bunterHund.Und sie hat eine ganz, ganz tolleStelle da gehabt. Und da habe ich mir gesagt, kannman nicht riskieren…38 Also erstensmalmeine Frau.Alsowir lesen,wir versuchen es immer gemeinsam zulösen. Das zweite, dass wir’s Gott hinhalten einfach so. Und menschliche Beraterhaben wir eigentlich keine, leider.39 Wir lesen auch jeden Tag gemeinsam mal was. Wir haben also nen Bibelleseplan.[…] Ich sag zu meiner Frau, die gerne mit dem Herzen noch so an verschiedenenLeuten hängt, und ich sag: „Du Frau, ich kann nicht mehr auf diese Stufe zurück,dass ich mich wieder hineinfallen lasse, in das ganze charismatische Getriebe unddie charismatischenGottesdiensteund soweiter. IchkannmalnenBesuchmachen,kannmal hingehen. Aber ich kann nicht mehr Jubeln und Händeklatschen und wieimmer, was da so gang und gäbe ist. Kann’s nicht mehr.” In dem Fall unterscheidenwir uns.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 28340 Meine Frau geht wie gesagt in so einen frommen Kreis und so einen Gebetskreis ...zumeinemÄrger, (lachend)muss ich sagen. […]UnddannhatmeineFrauebennochreligiöse Beziehungen in zwei Gebetskreisen,wo ich ehrlich gesagt nicht begeistertbin.Dasweiß sie auch, aber sie hat dadurch auchKontakte hier imOrt.Und das tutihr gut und da denke ich: „Na ja gut, soll es so bleiben.“41 Oh, anmeiner Frau (lacht) Ja, ich habe sonst niemand.Wir sprechen offen darüberund haben da keineGeheimnisse und keine Berührungsängste.Daswird alles offenbesprochen also [...] Aber einen Seelsorger in dem Sinn, habe ich da nicht ... leider.Meine Frau vielleicht dann eher mit ihrem Kreis.42 Und ja,man lernte sich dann doch n bisserl näher kennen und dann begann das fürmich persönlich Verhängnisvolle, dass sich ein Freundeskreis mit jungen Zeugenbildete, die nach dem sonntäglichen Haus-zu-Hausziehens […] in den Nachbarortfuhren, […]. Und da aß man zu Mittag. Und gemeinsam Wachturm studiert. Na-türlich. Und dann ist man abends gemeinsam in die Versammlung. So. Und da warich wieder voll „drin.“ Und dann hab ich meine Frau näher kennengelernt, sozusa-gen. […] Und da war an Ausstieg nicht mehr zu denken. Im Gegenteil, ich musstemich dann auch-, das ist ja der nächste Schritt, taufen lassen. Das war unabding-bar. Weil, sie wurde gewarnt […] vor mir, ich also sei Querdenker oder sei einfachnicht der richtigeUmgang für sie. Siewar ne treue, brave, eifrige Schwester und ichwar halt so’n Mitläufer.43 […] da war der dicke Wälzer dabei vom Kurt Hutten, Grübler, Seher, Enthusiasten.[…]EinSuperbuch.Undder beschreibt die Strukturenunddas,was sichda abspielt,100% genau treffend. […] Undmeine Frau: „Das ist das Aus!“ […] Und daswar’s dannauch. Äh, ich hab ihr dann auch ’n Buch zu lesen gegeben, aber komischerweise, ichwusste, intuitiv, wennwir da rausgehen, habenwir ein geistiges Vakuum.Und die-ses Vakuummuss ich wieder füllen. Ichmuss […]mit meiner Frau, […] Ich weiß, istfalschwas ich jetzt sage.Aber ichmussmit ihnen jetzt auch eineGehirnwäsche vor-nehmen. Ich weiß, dass es heute Indoktrination heißen muss. Weil Gehirnwäscheist ja etwas,wasman anKriegsgefangenenmacht […] [und]mit Gewalteinwirkung,Folter oder so zusammenhängt.Also,muss ich Ihnen janix erzählen. [...]Dasheißt,ich habemichdannnächtelangundhabedie LehrenderWachturmgesellschaft auf-gearbeitet. [...] einmal,umes selber zu kapierenundhabe esmeinenFrauen immerwieder zu lesen gegeben und habe gesagt: „Lest mal des und prüft mal des und dieLehre und die Lehre.“ [...] Meine Frau sagt heute: „Du hättest mich nicht andersrausgekriegt als mit Widerlegung ihrer Lehre.“44 Unddann einschneidendwar natürlich dann die Loslösung,daswar einKampf, derdauerte ungefähr ein Jahr. Ein geistiger Kampf, uns von den Zeugen loszulösen.Dennmeine Frau hat das vertreten und verteidigt und hat gesagt, die werden dochirgendwannmal kapieren,was sie da für einenMist schreiben. […]Unddarüber ha-ben wir auf jeder Wanderung […] diskutiert. […] Ich musste mir Bücher besorgen.Habemir alle Bücher besorgt,die es damals vonEx-Zeugengab.Unter anderemgabes ein sehr gutes Buch von der evangelischen Weltanschauungsstelle über Sekten,Grübler, Enthusiasten, das das völlig auf den Punkt gebracht hat. […] Und da habeich gesagt: „Das ist es! Genau das!“ […] Ich kam eines Tagesmit dem Stapel voll Bü-cher unterm Arm heim und dann dachte meine Frau: „Und jetzt ist es aus.“ Und so284 Leitmotifs in Life Storieswar es dann auch. Und dann habe ich mich wochenlang hingesetzt und habe dannauch mal das lehrmäßig widerlegt und habe das meinen Frauen immer wieder ge-geben und irgendwann kam dann der Ausstieg.“45 Ichhabe jadamals eineAusarbeitunggemachtüberdie falschenLehrenderZeugen.[…] Und ich hatte dann mühsam damals, kein Internet, nix, mühsam Informatio-nen beschafft über die Zeugen undhabemich dannnächtelang hingesetzt undAus-arbeitungen gemacht, mit der Schreibmaschine getippt. Und das hat dann meineFrau gelesen und wir sind dann zu der Überzeugung gekommen, ja, es ist ein Irr-tum, eine Fata Morgana, diese Wahrheitssekte. Und dann haben wir gemeinsamdamals einen Aufsatzbrief geschrieben an den Versammlungsältesten und der hatbesagt: „Wir erklären unseren Austritt.“46 Geistiges Interesse haben und pflegen. SichmitWeltanschaulichen Fragen ausein-andersetzen.47 Mit diesem Begriff kann ich persönlich nichts anfangen. Diese Geistesrichtung istmir fremd. Sie passt wohl eher zumHumanismus als zur religiösen Denkweise.48 Religiöse Fragen durch zu denken z.B. dieTheodizee-Frage.49 Religion heißt für mich die Suche nach einem Sinn des eigenen Daseins. Eine Un-zufriedenheit mit dem Verlöschen des eigenen Seins. Religion (egal welche) bietetAntworten auf Fragen, die dieWissenschaft nicht beantworten kann.50 Glaube heißt fürmich, dass ich die Dinge fürwahr halte, an die ich bisher nur glau-be. Also an ein Leben in einer anderen Welt. Aber ein Geborgensein, dass er michangenommen hat.Das ist fürmich gläubig sein. Ja, ichmuss es jetztmal so auf denPunkt bringen:WennSiemich jetzt fragen,„Was glauben Sie,wennSie heuteNachtsterben, werden Sie in das Reich Gottes eingehen?“ Da antworte ich mit einem zu-versichtlichen „Ja.“51 Gläubig.Das bedeutet,dass ichmich verantwortlich fühle fürmeineTaten.Unddasbedeutet auch, dass ich für mein Tun und Lassen Rechenschaft ablegen muss. HatnichtsmitHölle zu tun.EinfachnurRechenschaft ablegen imWeltgericht.Daskanneine sehr, sehr schmerzhafte Angelegenheit werden,wenn Sie konfrontiert werdenmit Ihren Unterlassungssünden, wo Sie vielleicht Gutes hätten bewirken können,und nichts bewirkt haben. Abgesehen davon reden wir jetzt mal nicht über AdolfHitler und Stalin, die Millionen von Menschen auf dem Gewissen haben. Die wer-den auchmit ihren Taten konfrontiert. Das ist für mich gläubig.52 Da gefällt mir eigentlich nix davon. Also spirituell ist ja eher für, denke ich mal,für nicht Gläubige gedacht. Gläubig, gläubig ja, aber nicht wortgläubig. Also gläu-bigmit gewissenEinschränkungen. […], als jetzt bibelwissenschaftlich aufgeklärterMensch muss ich eben sagen: Glauben ja, aber bitte beachten, dass es kein Wort-glaube ist, wie er oft praktiziert und wie er oft verstanden wird. Ich sitze gerade aneinem Leserbrief, da geht es um den AfD-Abgeordneten, der zitiert wurde in derfrommen Zeitschrift ”[Name A]”. […] Also und das sind eben diese Menschen, diedas lesen und sagen: So nehmen wir das. Und der ist bestimmt auch gläubig, aberich unterscheide mich dann von solchen Gläubigen. Ich widerspreche ihm.53 Als Kind wurde mir [ein] lieber Gott vermittelt, zu dem man ein Vertrauen habenkann.Dannwurdemir in der Zeugen-Mitgliedschaft ein autoritativer Gott vermit-telt, der aufpasst, der registriert, der belohnt, der bestraft, je nachVerhaltensweise.9. Gudrun and Werner—Changing Affiliations, Persisting Beliefs 285Ein furchterregendes Gottesbild. […] In der evangelischen Landeskirche ist mir einliberales Gottesbild vermittelt worden, […]. Bei den Charismatikern [kam es dann],was wir ihnen ja sehr hoch anrechnen, dazu, dass wir uns in eine persönliche Be-ziehung hineingewagt haben. Es ist schon etwas merkwürdig und es gibt da auchgescheite Bücher drüber, wennman sagt: „Ja, wenn Gott der Herr in deinem Lebenist, dann ist er nicht nur derHerr hier imWohnzimmer,wo alles schön aufgeräumtist, dann ist er auch der Herr (hinter?) der Bühne, wo die versteckten Dinge liegen[…].”Das heißt, die Leichenmüssen aus demKeller geholt werden,wennman in ei-ne wirkliche, offene Beziehung treten will. Und da muss ich jetzt noch dazusagen[…], [es] fällt mir heute schwer, Gott als Vater anzusprechen, obwohl Jesus uns dasja so gelehrt hat „Betet, Vater im Himmel”. […] Also jedenfalls, wir beten gern zuJesus und haben auch, wie gesagt, unser Gottesbild hat sich jetzt stark auch auf Je-sus fixiert, bedingt durch dieses gestörte Vaterverhältnis, wobei wir aber gar keineProbleme haben, Gott als Vater anzureden.54 Das Weltbild bei den Zeugen war der richtende und strafende Gott, der kontrollie-rende Gott, ja? Der alles sieht und alles registriert, ein absolut autoritäres Gottes-bild, völlig, also völlig unrealistisch auch. […] Das wurde dann anders, als wir dannin die Landeskirche gingen und unsere Gespräche mit dem Pfarrer, […] da wurdedas Gottesbild natürlich abgemildert, […]. Aber es kam zu einem neuen Gottesbildbeim Einstieg in die charismatische Szene. Da kam es zu einem sehr, sehr naivenGottesbild. In der charismatischen Szene ist ja auch eine sehr große Wundergläu-bigkeit vorhanden. […] Und der Ausstieg aus dieser Szene, der führte ja dann dazu:„Jetzt will ich michmal wissenschaftlich mit Glauben auseinandersetzen.“ […] UnddasGottesbild hat sich jetzt nochmalwesentlich verändert, dass ich nichtmehr die-seWundergläubigkeit habe, sondern, dass ich eigentlich sage:Wir können die Din-ge, die wir hier in der Bibel lesen, […] wir müssen auch die Umstände, unter denendas geschrieben wurde, den Kontext, beachten. […] Also ich habe ein legeres Got-tesbild, unverkrampft kann ich an Gott glauben,mit Gott reden ohne irgendwelchekrampfigen geistigen Verrenkungen zumachen.55 [Das] hat sich einmal verändert, als wir die Sekte verlassen haben.Da war eben dasSektenweltbild, nur wir sind auf dem richtigenWeg, alle anderen werden vernich-tet, ja? […] Eine entscheidende Veränderung kam durch die neue theologische Aus-richtung auf wissenschaftlicher Basis, […] die uns nochmal ein völlig anderes reli-giösesWeltbild vermittelt hat. Also eine andere Sichtweise. Also weg von dieser En-ge, weg von diesemWort-für-Wort-Glauben. […] In der Sekte hatten wir ja immerdiesen strafenden Gott vor Augen, der also das Ungehorsam bestraft. Der also wieein Polizist über unser Leben wacht. Das ist ein furchtbares Gottesbild. Das wur-de natürlich dann hinfällig mit dem Austritt aus der Sekte. Aber es kam ein biss-chen dann wieder rüber durch die charismatische Bewegung, die auch ein engesWeltbild hat, die an die Verbalinspirationmehr oder weniger glaubt. Und das wur-de dann auch nochmal völlig verändert fast (lächelt) ins Gegenteil mit der Freiheit,die wir jetzt durch Forschung, Lehre (lächelt) im theologischen Sektor haben. […]Die Gottesfrage wird ja oft alsTheodizee-Frage behandelt. […] Die [Frage] habe ichfür mich gelöst, indem ich sage: […] Auch wenn es im Glaubensbekenntnis steht,„Gott ist allmächtig, ich glaube an Gott den Allmächtigen.“ Ich glaube nicht an die286 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesAllmacht Gottes. Ich glaube an das Mitleiden Gottes, das Mitleiden Jesu, das er jaselber demonstriert hat. Aber nicht mehr an die Allmacht Gottes. Damit liege ichnatürlich nicht auf der Liniemeiner evangelischen Landeskirche, die ihr Glaubens-bekenntnis treu und brav spricht, aber das ist mein Resümee.56 Ichkenndiese religiösenAuseinandersetzungenzurGenüge,weil ich es vomGefühlher auch anders sehe alsmeinMann,der es vomVerstandher sieht.Aberwir immerwieder doch auch an den Punkt kommen, dass ... Weil ja mein Mann ja auch neBeziehung zu Gott hat, wie ich auch.Und dass wir das beide irgendwie dann sicherGott hinhalten können und sagen: „Hilf uns doch dabei, dass wir wieder auf eineSchiene kommen.“10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death“And when you ask yourself in your lastseconds, ‘Have I lived my young life as Iwanted it to?’ And if you can answer thisquestion for yourself in a woke state, thenyou’ll change. Because you’ll live more inthe Here and Now.”1Marion was a woman of 64 years when she was first interviewed for the study of Spiritu-ality in 2011, and her case has been portrayed in the book displaying results of this study(Keller & Wollert, 2016). At time 3, she is 73 years old. Marion has grown up in post-warGermany, but the war and its effects do not play a big role in her accounts at times 1 and2. Before she went to university to study pedagogics, she got pregnant and had tomarrygiven the social pressure at the time. During her time at university, she experienced thestudent protestmovements and surges of women rising up and demonstrating for equalrights.Marion worked as a teacher for several years and traveled the world on a spiritualsearch after her children left the house. This search eventually led her to Poona, India,where she lived in an ashram for a time. Currently, she works as a therapeutic clown pri-marily in hospices, which has greatly influenced the way she thinks about death. Herinterviews are characterized by a palpable vitality and serenity, which is not diminishedby the fact that her age is slowly taking its toll.10.1.1 Marion’s Life Reviews—Looking Back on Life, Looking Forward to DeathMarion’s Life ReviewsMarion’s answers to thefirst questionof the intervieware very comprehensive at all time-points and often drifting to a more abstract level of observation and more general re-marks on human life.Many themes that are important in understanding her personalityare mentioned as well, which is why parts of these first answers are excluded and willappear in the following paragraphs.288 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesIn her first interview, she outlines her life as follows:Childhood, adolescence, then there is a chapter with my personality, kind of es-tranged, so to speak, and then aging is coming back to me as a person. [I: Okay.What does that mean, “personality, kind of estranged?”] Well, as a child, I was closeto myself. As an adolescent too, sort of, and then I became this [Marion], like, mylife took a different, totally different course which wasn’t in any way connected withwhat I actually am in life. […] So, what is meaningful for me is that I have alwaysbeen a creative, highly sensitive person and when I was a child, that was more of anuisance, like the people or the grown-ups could hardly handle that and that’s whyit’s important that I created a space for myself, like, not a virtual one, but a spaceof my own in which I was at home, so to say. I find that important. External events,like, I grew up in a very bourgeois home. When I’m telling this with little emotion,this does not mean I’m holding back something, like, there are feelings actually,but they aren’t relevant anymore. I have worked through these, therapeutically andduring my lifetime, and also spiritually.2 (Marion, FDI, time 1)Even though Marion starts by naming conventional life chapters, she quickly switchesto amore abstract consideration of her life. Everything that happened between her ado-lescence and the beginning of the phase she calls “aging” is labelled as “estranged.” Thisincludes, as will become apparent when she continues to tell her story, her life as a youngmother, her divorce, and raising two boys as a single mom. She believes that she wouldhave had different tasks in life and that getting married and having children was justsomething she “fell into.” However, her account does not sound as remorseful as may beexpected. Instead, she focuses on the way she handled her life and her own peculiari-ties.With the help of therapists and by engaging with spirituality, she was able to createa space of her own in which she can be as creative as she wants and needs to be and inwhich she feels accepted the way she is.This had not been the case growing up in a homethat she calls bourgeois, though she does not go into detail what this meant for her. Herchildhood experience is briefly summed up as being a “nuisance” for not adjusting to thegrown-ups’ expectations.This infers that Marion was a lonely child who was not “seen.”This is also supported by the fact that she had to therapeutically work through her child-hood, which, eventually, led her on her spiritual path.In her second interview, the outline is even more abstract with the beginning of herelaborations serving as a generalized insight into her autobiography:Yes. In sections. Yes and no. Sections of development. I’ll be 70 soon, and lookingback, I say, “No,” since I realized that everything has always been there, it’s just thata human being is not able to process these realizations. So, it’s both: Every stageof development has some focus and still I believe that we do not change, but welearn something new. [I: And thinking about your own life?] Yes, it’s the same forme and my own life. I guess the older I get, I’m making experiences that I havealready made as a child, like in nature or something, but such archaic experiencesthat I made as a child and later occasionally, but which I did not pay attention to,but do so now, I take my time for them, and now looking back I understand them.So, I could also say: No. On a deeper level, there were no sections. Just on the first10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 289level of looking at it, there were a lot of things that are ascribed to puberty, or tobeing a child or being married.3 (Marion, FDI, time 2)Here, shemakes clear that she is aware of a conventional division of life chapters but forher, this is just a superficialwayof lookingather life (however, shedoes sectionher life af-ter this prolog).On a deeper level, she states that everything has been there from the verybeginning, and it just takes people some time to realize those things. It remains vaguehow this process of realization actually happens orwhat she defines as development, butit becomes clear thatMarion thinks about awareness frequently, implying also that thereare parts of one’s own realm of experiences that may not be accessible and which onlylater gain importance. This is interesting when looking at the answer to the first ques-tion in her third interview. Here, themes come to the surface that had not been part ofher life story in the first two interviews:Definitely the usual chapters, childhood, adolescence, being an adult, aging. Thenone category, family and job. Then faith and spirituality. That would probably feedinto the single chapters. […] Like, an important topic for me is being a woman, howam I situated within society? What kind of impressions are there about women?[…] [I: Looking back, what events are somehow meaningful?] […] Well, I grew upas an only child, born in 1946, when the war was just over. Made experiences withtanks in the streets and strangely looking… like, people of a different skin color. Ina village in those years, that was something special. […] And, erm, I did not makethe experience to have nothing to eat. We lived in a village and were a family ofthe middle class, I would say. We had a pig and such things, so we always hadenough to eat. That’s why I did not experience much of the suffering of the post-war time. What I find important is that in my family, we did not talk about wartraumas and what role our fathers and grandfathers played in the Third Reich forexample. And I thought about this a lot later. […] And my mother was a womanwho, as she got old and was not all sane anymore, talked about how Hitler wasn’tall bad, he built the roads and so on. So that came up again, making me think,well, that has not been worked through, I guess.4 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Her answer starts by naming conventional chapters of a life, followed by categories thatseem to be cross-sectional, tapping into the horizontal timeline laid out before at differ-entpoints in timeoroverlapping it.The topic of beingawoman isnamedexplicitly for thefirst time,even though itwasbroughtupmore implicitly inher earlier interviewsalready.However, it should bementioned that thismay be one of those topics or experiences thatshe spoke about at time 2: something that has “always” been there (or for a long time atleast) but that is only now gaining importance or can finally be assessed with the neededabstraction or maturity. Another example for this is the way she talks about her child-hood. Unlike at time 2, her earlier lifetime experiences are clearly described during thisinterview.This time her childhood is depicted from a different perspective with a histor-ical filter over her own account.Growing up in post-warGermany hadnot beenmade thesubject of discussion before, but here it is elaborated on a personal and a societal level.Experiences of strangeness when she, as a child, encountered the US-American soldiersin the streets of her home village serve the purpose to point out that it was unusual for290 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesher and the people around her. Moving on, she refers to a common theme in post-warGermany of not having enough to eat, only to point out that she was not affected by this.The “bourgeois” family is amiddle-class family by definition, and this represents a subtlechange in wording by focusing more on what it provided her and not its deprivations.However, her next strand of thought focuses on the lack of communication within herfamily regarding personal involvement and consequences.The realization that the posi-tion of family members and politicians toward the Nazi regime was consequently keptunderwrapswas one of the driving forces for the so-called “68ers” student protestmove-ment in GermanywhichMarion joinedwhen she went to university after having had hertwo children. Her family’s failure in working through this topic is exemplified with hermother’s statements about Hitler’s achievements regarding the road system (an argu-ment that is unfortunately common in discussion, feeding into the topos of “it wasn’t allbad”).Mariondrawsapicture of her family as caringon the surface andasneglectingonadeeper level, even though this is notmade explicit here by recalling personal experiencesbut by viewing her situation in a more generalized perspective.Comparing those three answers, it becomes apparent thatMarionwas capable of ab-stract thinking at time 1 and has refined the ability to share personal insights over theyears. Itmight be argued that an emotional evaluation ismissing fromher accounts eventhough it can be inferred from her statements, which is a fact that was addressed proac-tively in the first interview where she stated that the feelings she has have all been pro-cessed during therapy. Overall,Marion gives the impression of a womanwho has lived alife of ups and downs but has found a way to deal with the hardships that she was pre-sentedwith.Thenarrative identity she displays in the interviews can best be described asserene and satisfiedwith herself in a positive way.This character trait can be seen in howMarion approaches the topic of death. She has been working as a clown in hospices andstudied palliative care, yet she has made her own personal experiences when she tookcare of her mother during her last years.Being a Clown and Thinking about DeathAt time 1, shementions thiswork as a clown right at the beginning during her life review:And another huge change that changed me a lot and made an impact is that Istarted working in a hospice and at the same time trained as a hospital clown. […]Or a clown for people with dementia, like, I play theater with people, I don’t actto be the clown, I am the clown, that’s something different. That’s when I finallylearned that everything that constitutes spirituality, never mind what direction, canbe found on every street corner. With every hobo, every disabled person, with ev-eryone who considers themselves normal and these are the most significant pointsand that’s where I am right now.5 (Marion, FDI, time 1)Making it clear that becoming a clownwas a turning point in her biography, she empha-sizes that this role is about authenticity. She is not acting, but she is a clown when sheis with those people with dementia.Thereby, she learned a lot about spirituality, namelythat spirituality is not something outerworldly, or out of reach. Instead, spirituality issomething that can be found in everyone and everything.This will be discussed in more10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 291detail in section 10.1.3Here, it is sufficient to say that herway of approaching the topic ofdeath as well as of spirituality is constituent to her personality.This is emphasized whenshe talks about crises and,more importantly, the way she handles those crises:And what really got me out of all this is the fool, the clown, because that’s purelove. What the red nose opens with children and with old people, even by thosewho suffer from dementia, those are gifts that we receive from God, or Buddha, orthe universe, I don’t care. And now that I’m older this takes up more space and wehave, my friend and I, devoted ourselves to this and we call it [The Art of Aging]and that is not possible without this spirituality and we implement this. We makefilms about this, we have a well visited website and we implement this artistically,but always under the aspect of affection. Like, we do not focus on one religion orsomething like that, but on what is ethically important and we live by this.6 (Marion,FDI, time 1)In the original German quote, she uses the female forms of both fool and clown in pass-ing, which underlines the importance of being a woman.This quote gives a good insightinto Marion’s thinking: she is ready to give a lot of herself, to engage with people us-ing a universalist approach, which is not tied to any special denomination or worldview.This universalist approach contains a personal, ethical codex,which is not elaborated onhere. The fact that she is getting older is met with a coping mechanism that embracesthis new era in her life by engaging with different forms of art. It becomes clear that do-ing this with and for others also helps Marion to find serenity, and she draws a lot of joyand vitality from these activities.Marion takes a very active and open path toward agingwithout taboos and with focus on the positive aspects. This approach can also be foundin the way she talks about death:Death belongs to life. For me, that’s not just an empty phrase, but it is often usedlike that. […] Of course, I have, like everyone, I would say, wishes regarding mydeath, but I don’t believe that anything will happen after death, […]. So, I havethis spot in the forest cemetery and it’s so beautiful there between the roots ofthe trees and maybe a primrose will grow there or something. So, the image thatmaybe something continues after death is consoling for people and that’s why alot of people need that, I guess. But I don’t need this anymore, like, this is more ofa humorous image, a primrose growing from my ashes, you know, like a metaphor.[…] If I should die tomorrow, that would be okay. Like, I’m saying this now. You al-ways have to add, I know that if that tomorrow came, I would want all the chancesto renounce this thought. That’s the thing with patient decrees. Like, you write thatdown theoretically, and everybody supports you to do that, and then everybody’seager to fulfill your wishes and don’t notice that the almost dying person maybewants water or a crumb of bread anyway. So, I’m well aware of the fact that I don’tknow, that one cannot know what will happen in the future. All we can do is spec-ulate.7 (Marion, FDI, time 1)Marion starts her answer to the question regarding death with a statement that is, asshe openly admits, often used as an empty phrase. However, she takes the meaning ofthis phrase literally. With this start, she gives a self-presentation by contrast, which is292 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessomething she does regularly throughout all of her interviews. She talks about the plansthat she has made (reserving a spot under a tree for her urn) by choosing a made-upfemale form of the German word for death while clarifying that she is fully aware of thefact that she cannot influence this after her death.Moreover, she is also aware that thoseplans and wishes might change when she is actually faced with death, and she is open-minded enough to consider this possibility. Here, one sees the display of an awarenessof uncertainty which is one among many criteria for wisdom (see, for example Baltes etal., 2002, Grossmann et al., 2020). She seems critical toward all-too-set rules and keepsan openmind for what may happen, while being mindful toward herself and others.At time 2,herwork as a clinic clown is notmentioned. Instead, she talks about takingcare of hermother who has died about two years before the second interview took place.In her first answer, she gives a first insight into what this meant for her:And the most incisive and for me most impressive experience was taking care of mymother till her death. Because that made my whole life complete. And when mymother died, about 1.5 or two years ago, since then, that was the most serious thing:I am not afraid of life anymore, I really dive into encounters and I learned whatbeing “quiet” is like. And through all my life, I have worked through this artisticallysomehow.8 (Marion, FDI, time 2)It is unusual to state that experiencing and accompanying the death of one’s ownmothermade one’s life complete, but for Marion, it seems oddly fitting. This formative experi-ence has confirmedwhat she has talked about in herfirst interview.Death is a part of life,and it can make life more livable. By having her art as a means of coping, Marion showsthat she is able to integrate adverse experiences and turn them into something positive.She elaborates on the impact this experience has had on her when she talks about therelationship with her mother (which will be presented in more detail in the next para-graph):Since she is dead and I don’t have that responsibility anymore, even though I tookit, I mean, I never thought that I would have the strength to do this. And I’m notonly talking about the physical side, but also about, yes, what’s happening insideyour head. And I would not want to miss this experience, at the same time, […]I want to have the option to die in a self-determined way. […] I have found mypossibility, if I want to. And since I have this possibility, I feel free. This helps meto maybe endure more of what stands before us, I mean, also as a society, whatwe are able to endure. This is not all bright and shiny and I don’t envy you youryouth. But I can still say: devil-may-care. Like, I wouldn’t be so flippant, I do feelresponsible and I pick up any paper that a kid will let fall to the ground […]. So,I see myself as responsible for what I do. But I want to decide about my deathas I do about my life! […] It’s nothing I’m keeping secret, I’m pretty open aboutthis, on the contrary, and there are people who will come to me when they havequestions about this. How do I see it? And who will ask my counsel in their innerconflict. And I don’t give any counsel. I cannot do that. All I can do is show themthe possibilities that I see. The rest is up to them. You get humble. When I see10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 293myself as a human in this universe, then this is not even a flyspeck.9 (Marion, FDI,time 2)She openly mentions the physical and emotional stress that went along with taking careof hermother.For her, the consequence of this is towish for andwork toward to a self-de-termined death. Here, she clearly depicts her position of feeling responsible for society,which is a formof generativity that ismore encompassing thanmerely passing on some-thing to one’s own children.Conversely, she is quite straightforwardwithher ownwishesandnotwilling tomakecompromises.Her surroundings regardheras a counselor,whichshe seeswithmixed feelings since she cannot advise someone regarding their own life asshe states. Instead, all she can do is make people aware of different possibilities. Again,this is a humble stance, and she realizes the relative nullity of one’s own existence andthe limitedness of one’s own knowledge and expertise. She states that this cannot be thecause for stagnation but instead of initiating change when it seems possible. Howeverclear Marion appears in the way she talks about death, she also leaves open the questionof what exactly happens after death:Like birth, death is a chance to expand human experiences and whether we usethem or not is up to every individual’s judgment. Like I said before, it is also apassage into… not into other worlds, but in, I’ll put it like that, everything thatgoes into a life will come out of it, like the seasons and maybe also—that’s maybeanother airy idea—maybe also particles of ourselves, quantum physics has this idea,they support it, in which particles of ourselves reconnect with… But that’s just a playof thought or something and when death seems unbearable, I think one shouldtreat yourself to excursions like these because that will help wrap the fear with alittle bit of humor.10 (Marion, FDI, time 2)Her statement starts by connecting the beginning and the end of life by naming bothof them a chance for experience,which does not alignwith everyone’s experiences as sheasserts.Thepicture shepaints showsMarion’s sense for spirituality,even thoughshedoesnot name it here directly, yet it is tied to quantumphysics,which gives itmore credibilityin her mind. In other words, what she describes is a circle of life in which no energy islost and which may be regarded as true both from a scientific as well as a religious orspiritual point of view. ForMarion, this is a play of thoughts and something she engageswith or assumes that other people engage with when the thought of death as somethingfinal does not seem bearable.At time 3, she again speaks about her status as a clown:I’m a geriatric clown. […] Like, you have a psychological, philosophical, artistic train-ing as a clown. […] And I really earnestly studied this for some years. And the dif-ference is […] my friend and I did not go to the children, but we engaged with thereactions of people with dementia. And also went to nursery homes, and we alsowork in hospices. […] We go to dying people, to hold hands as well as, to put itbluntly, to present ourselves as fools. It’s astonishing how this silly figure creates avery delicate sort of joy in these suffering people.11 (Marion, FDI, time 3)294 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesIt is interesting that she emphasizes the professionality of her training a lot more thanat time 1.This clarifies that it was not amere hobby but something serious, valuable, anddonewith considerable effort.While she talks about the positive reactions her work elic-its in the dying and suffering, it becomes clear as well how much this work and thesereactionsmean to her. At the time of the third interview, she has resigned her clown role,butwhenwrapping up her long answer to the first question, she recalls this work by stat-ing:And these […] things are crucial in life, making me a content old woman. Of course,with quirks and limitations, at my age of health wise nature as well, but to have asatisfaction in the frames, the possible frames that are still available. For me, that’sof great value. Oh, and these 25 years I spent working with dying and old peopleor sick people, this has formed a viewpoint of, we look at life from the end. So,that makes a lot of things a lot easier.12 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Marion has still kept her joy in life, even though she does not omit the limitations thatshe experiences in old age.The interview shows a serenity and a self-satisfaction, whichis also derived from her work with the dying.This made her look at life from a differentangle andappreciatemoreofwhat shehasat themoment.Sheelaborateson that thoughtwhen she is asked about death directly:Oh, that is my pet project. Death belongs to life like birth. Death is just a passageinto something that we do not know. […] I have a thing for myself, I want to beburied in a forest cemetery, I already have a spot there, and my ashes should serveas fodder for, whatever, a cow or a squirrel and then I’ll be defecated all naturallyand fertilize the earth. And from this earth will grow another tree under whichsomeone else will lie. And then comes the squirrel and—you get the gist? That’swhat I mean by passage. And where we go to… In my opinion, no energy in ourworld is lost. The sum of all forms of energy […] is constant, it only varies in… likethese theories that any matter is nothing but information, for example. […] And weas humans are afraid of death because we have excluded it from our society. AndI wish that it can be introduced into our society again. And we’re on a good way,there are lots of people who take care of that. […] And then it is a great teacher.[…] You can’t know this, I mean, I wish you all the best until you’re 95. But justas an example, you ride your bike, and tomorrow, something happens. And whenyou ask yourself in your last seconds, “Have I lived my young life as I wanted itto?” And if you can answer this question for yourself in a woke state, then you’llchange. Because you’ll live more in the Here and Now. […] And that’s caused by theengagement with death and dying.13 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Startingwith the statement that death is her “pet project,”Marion underlines her uncon-ventional (and sometimes slightly eccentric) approach to things.The theory she unfoldsabout the amount of energy remaining unchanged and shows, while also being vaguelyadapted to scientific theories again, a belief in an all-connectedness,which sounds spiri-tual.As in the second interview,she is connectinga rational andemotional approach.Hermore abstract elaboration is illustrated with a very concrete example showing that she is10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 295able to think on different levels and present her knowledge in different ways. Regardingsociety, she sees the fact that death is a taboo andnot part of everyday life as problematic.Again, she uses a vivid example to make her point by directly addressing the young in-terviewer,which is another noteworthy feature of her third interview. She often engagesdirectly with the interviewer and shows interest in him and his life. To this end, she oc-casionally leaves the prescribed structure of the interview, but she often returns to therelevant questions at hand. This is more frequent than in her other interviews indicat-ing a higher degree of generativity.This is remarkable knowing that the third interviewwas, in contrast to her other interviews, conducted via telephone (whichmakes the inter-action between interviewer and interviewee harder usually). Referencing his young age,she plays themind game of what would happen should he die the next day.The questionshe poses in his name, “Have I lived my young life as I wanted it to?” is crucial for herown approach to life. Marion has, in all of her interviews, shown a great vitality and thewillingness to “seize the day,” but only in this interview it becomes as apparent what isbehind thisway of life.Her engagementwith dying people hasmade her realize the valueof life and has changed the way she lives it.“Looking back on life, looking forward to death” is the slightly provocative headingchosen for this sub-chapter. Does Marion actually look forward to death? Probably not,but she is not afraid of it either. At the age of 64 and across interviews, Marion displaysa view on the end of life that shows signs of a dialectical thinking, which can take intoaccount abstract theories but also personal, emotional, and spiritual ideas as well as theperspective of others and the limitation of her own horizon.Her life review has shown aswell that there are parts inMarion’s life that she does not discuss easily.The relationshipwith her children appears strained, and the relationship with hermother has not alwaysbeen easy.The next paragraph will go into more detail regarding these relationships.10.1.2 Marion’s Relationships—Being a Daughter and Being a MotherMarion and her MotherCompared tomost of her other answers,Marion is brief when she talks about importantrelationships.Her fatherhavingdiedwhenshewas inher late 20s,Marion talks abouthermother when she is asked about the relationship with her parents. At time 1, hermotheris still alive and described as follows:My mother is 92 now and I have decided- like, she is totally fit, as much as youcan be at this age. Of course she needs all sort of help. And when the time comesthat she cannot live anymore, I will be there. I won’t care for her physically, I wantto be there emotionally, as a free choice. […] [I: How has the image of your parentschanged over the years?] Yes, a lot. You know, all these pubertal phenomena, andeven as a grown-up I felt infantilized by my mother, I couldn’t stand up againstthat. But now it’s like, I did not become her mother, I took care of that, but weare like one elderly and one old woman. Like, this symbiosis, it never goes awaycompletely, that would be an illusion, but it’s agreeable between the both of us.14(Marion, FDI, time 1)296 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTheoverall description is positive, even thoughMarion admits to having felt infantilizedby her mother even as an adult. She appears to be very reflective when she talks aboutthe symbiotic elements that remain in her relationship with her mother. In general, sheseems to adopt a forgiving stance and is willing to take care of hermother should the ne-cessity occur.The current relationship, albeit described only briefly, seems to be friendly,and the free choice to nurse themother can be taken as a sign of good will and the readi-ness to deepen the bond.By the time of the second interview, Marion’s mother has died. Marion has kept herpromise and took care of hermother, and the effects this time had on her concerning herattitude toward death and dying have been described above. It is interesting to see howthe assessment of the relationship with her mother has been changed:The relationship between my mother and I has always been cool, very distanced,and I think my mother basically stayed a child, basically I took care of my motherwhen I was still a child, but it was always difficult, just a difficult relationship.15(Marion, FDI, time 2)The words she uses are more direct and more critical than at time 1, not only regard-ing their relationshipwhich is described as consistently distanced but also regarding theoverall personality of her mother. She mentions having to take care of her mother whenshe was still a child herself, something that was not mentioned at time 1. However, thetime she took care of her mother was influential for her in a good way:This distance remained, and it is still there… But, I notice how my voice changeswhen I speak about it, my throat gets a bit clammy. I’d say, because I decidedto—how shall I put this? She allowed me to accompany her to death. And I’m grate-ful for this. I do not love her. Even now I don’t. And she always tried to take influenceon my life. […] For me, I never thought I’d have such strength to do this, and I don’tmean the physical side, but also, yes, what happened inside my head. And I wouldnot want to miss this experience.16 (Marion, FDI, time 2)Marion openly admits to being emotionally touched when she talks about the difficultrelationship, which is another reflective moment in her interview. At the same time, itis interesting that she states the relationship is still regarded as distanced, and love forher mother is denied. Notable is the way she struggles for words when talking about thetime her mother was dying. Starting the sentence with “I decided to,” she changes it to“she allowed me too,” which might indicate a certain dependency or an act of matroniz-ing (a term that I’m sure Marion would approve of!). In a more positive way, this senseof dependency could be interpreted as a concession made by her mother to admit herdaughter’s help.This may be a mixture of both, and the most important outcome of thisconstellation is Marion’s positive coda in the end, stressing the importance of this expe-rience for herself.At time 3, more time has passed since her mother’s death, and this shows in the de-scription of her, as can be demonstrated by a collection of quotes from different answersof Marion’s third interview:10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 297So, my mother was a very difficult person. If I made a careful diagnosis today, shewas rather a borderline personality. That didn’t exist at that time. This explains a bitwhy no or only very unstructured relationships were possible and I have struggledmy whole life with borders, with distance and closeness. For me that’s always kindof difficult. That really shaped me. I’d say that’s the main imprint. […] And I havedesperately hated my mother. And this love-hate remained until I was, I think, mypersonal maturity- well, I guess, till I was 60. Yes. […] Loving her only began after Istarted nursing her. Before that, this would not have been possible between us. […]What is interesting is: I basically nursed her to death, (smiles) to put it sloppily,(laughs) but that shows there has been a lot of reconciliation within me. 17 (Marion,FDI, time 3)Marion is more direct with the characterization of her mother than in the other inter-views. Even though she calls it a “careful diagnosis,” the implications of calling her a bor-derline personality are clear and hint at unstructured relationships and the inability tokeep them alive. For Marion, this could mean that she could not rely on a secure bondwith at least one of her parents as a child (her father is, however briefly, characterizedas “absent” and a “wimp”). She openly admits to showing character traits like hermotherwhen it comes to relationships in her life aswell. Yet, distancing herself fromhermotherby characterizing her as “difficult” and her feelings toward her mother as “love-hate” isonly part of the truthMarion displays here. She also speaks of love that she developed inlater years,which is interesting since shedenieshavingever felt love forhermother inhersecond interview. This reframing of feelings could be part of the reconciliation processshe hints at in the last sentence of the quote. It seems plausible to assume thatMarion isnow able to integrate all the mixed feelings she has toward her mother and, as a result,adopt a truly forgiving stance.Marion and her ChildrenThe difficulties in keeping up relationships and the missing role models in being a par-ent come to the surface when Marion talks about her two children. Being a very youngmother and a single mother later on was challenging, but Marion admits that havingchildren had not originally been on her agenda:Coming now to the incisions that were serious regarding my personal development,so to say. I knew, that thing about marriage and family, I didn’t know this wasn’tmy cup of tea. I slithered into it. Looking back, I’m not sure if I were married, butI probably had not had children, not because I don’t like children, but because Irealize that I have other tasks in life, like that. And a serious incision was that myyounger son, when he was 18 or 19, fell ill with a [psychological disorder] and thenI realized that something is not right with our family system, […] that this systemdidn’t work, I realized I was symbiotically connected with my mother and that wasa big part of this heteronomy […]. I have always read a lot, but only then, for thefirst time, I really started to deal with guilt, with atonement.18 (Marion, FDI, time1)298 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesGetting pregnant at age 19 was unintentional, and it is implied that she would have cho-sen a different path for her life had she had the choice.Themental illness of her youngersonmakes her consider the wider circumstances of the family system, bringing her backto the unhealthy symbiotic relationshipwith her ownmother,which is partially to blamefor what happened with Marion’s son. She remains vague about what exactly she meanswhen she talks about guilt and atonement, but it becomes clear that this crisis was a for-mative experience for her and made her read more on that topic in order to learn abouther own identity.In her second interview, Marion goes into more detail regarding the effects heryearning for freedom and an independent life had on her children. She started travellingfor long periods when the boys were older (it remains unclear when exactly this started)and did not want to commit to a serious long-term relationship anymore being divorcedfrom her children’s father (at one point, she was married for a second time, but thismarriage is only mentioned in passing during all of her interviews). In her life reviewshe starts with themmoving out from their mother’s home when her thoughts return toher children:Then, when the children left the house, these are also crucial points in which notonly the children detach themselves, but the mother has to do that as well andthat was a very painful process, even though I always thought I was so relaxed.But I wasn’t at all, in retrospect. […] That’s a bit unorganized now, but I’ve beendoing this [travelling, living an independent life] since I was thirty, my childrenaren’t too happy with me, like, I’m aware of that, because I never was the motherthey would have needed, probably. That weighed me down for quite some time,but they became, by their own accord, two grown up men, with all limitations andexpansions, who can be proud of themselves. […] So, I guess I did all that partlyon the backs of people I was responsible for. And that’s a drop of bitterness, but Icannot change it. But, admittedly, talking about this right now touches me deeply.19(Marion, FDI, time 2)In the beginning of this quote, Marion presents herself as a reflective person who candescribe a self-perceived development without the fear of losing face.This openness re-mains characteristic forwhat she shares about the relationship shehaswithher children.Having emphasized the importanceof leading this free, independent life, she also admitsthat this life came at the price of not being the mother her children would have needed.This has the effect that she and her children seem to be distanced, yet master their lives.She admits to being emotionally touched when she talks about this, and it is remarkablethat she can switch seemingly easily between praising her autonomous, potentially he-donistic lifestyle and describing the downsides this lifestyle has had on her children. Itcan be assumed that although she seems to be talking frankly about this, there is muchmore emotion and drama hidden behind those comparably neutral words.This becomesmore obvious when she talks about how her son fell mentally ill during her answer to thequestion regarding crises:My younger son fell [mentally ill] when he was 19, which does not surprise me, likeI said, we’re all nuts in my family, […] and my younger son couldn’t bear his life10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 299anymore, just like his mother in many moments, and fell [mentally ill], and today,if you don’t know about it, you won’t notice it, he has his handicaps and has to takemeds, but he has become a great man. But for a long time, I thought he would bebetter off if I weren’t there anymore. That’s so distorted, psychologically, I went totherapies, I was able to get help, like that. So, in the end, those thoughts remainedthoughts only, but I have struggled with this topic for a long time.20 (Marion, FDI,time 2)She explicitly takes (part of) the blame for her son’s illness on different levels. She jok-ingly refers to the whole family being “nuts,” but, on a more serious note, she admitsthat she has hadmomentswhen her life did not seembearable anymore.Thesemomentsare mentioned in her interviews over the years; however, they are not prominent andare often turned into a “lesson learned.”This seems to be an important character trait inMarion: making an effort at seeing the positive side of everything without omitting thenegative.Regarding her son, she admits to feeling remorse and regret, but she concludesthat he is managing his life just fine.At time 3, she gives a littlemore context onher circumstanceswhen she got pregnant:I got pregnant at age 19 and had my first child. We had to marry back then, thatwas out of the question. I was 19, my husband 20, and we always think we areawfully grown-up at that age, but basically, it was clear that this would be a totalmess. It had to. Only in the rarest of cases something like that would turn out well.21(Marion, FDI, time 3)Thecontext of this quote is that theGerman society at this time (mid-60s) demanded thata pregnant woman got married. Contraception and abortion were problematic topics atthat time, and even thoughMarion talks about thewomen’s rightsmovement in the thirdinterview,shedoesbowto the societal expectations.That“this” (bywhich shemightmeaneither the marriage or having children or both) will not turn out well is portrayed as anatural consequence, thereby relieving her of some of the guilt. An inner conflict can bedetected between the avid advocate for women’s rights and the teenage mother. Marionis both, and she lets both of these aspects of her personality stand next to each other.When asked for meaningful relationships, she goes into more detail regarding her twosons:Furthermore, definitely the experience of raising kids. And especially when this doesnot go smoothly, and with my yearning for freedom… I did not really consciouslydecide to have kids, they were just there and I had to deal with that. And thus, Iwas always in conflict with my desire for freedom. […] Like, with my urge to movearound the world, you’re pretty limited for quite a while. And if you ask my sons,for sure I really wasn’t such a great mother. But we cannot really talk about this,unfortunately. From my side, the interest would be greater, but my sons have basi-cally settled in their lives, and that’s how it is. I would have wished for reappraisal,for their own good as well. But that’s very difficult. It was always difficult and itstill is now. They became two great men that handle life well. And that’s a lot. So,300 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesobviously it wasn’t all that wrong, seeing they’ve developed this way, I contributedmy fair share, I’d say.22 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Marion obviously has little desire to paint her motherhood in mellow colors. It becomesclear that the children were a burden by limiting her desire for freedom.However, takentogether her answers in the interviews holistically, this does not mean that she does notcare for them, even now that they are adults. Here, her focus is on her wish for talkingabout the hardships of their childhood, which she deems to be important for them aswell as for herself.The conclusion, however, seems to be more defensive than in past in-terviews: The fact that both boys have grown to be “great men” must necessarily meanthat she did something right. This might be an attempt to encounter skepticism by theinterviewer, but it might also be an argument that she had to bring forward when facedwith accusations by her sons.Being a daughter and being a mother are the two kinds of relationships that take upthemost space inMarion’s interviews.These relationships are characterizedby adifficultbalance between being close and being distant. While the overall impression of Marionis that of a woman who is satisfied with her place in life, this topic seems to catch heroff-balance a bit. Over the years, she has developed strategies how to talk about all thisby being honest and clear and admitting mixed feelings, yet she also brings these con-versations to an abstract level, which may help her discuss them from an impersonal,analytical footing.The other meaningful relationship she talks about in her interviews is the femalefriend she lives with in a platonic yet spiritually connected relationship. With her, Mar-ion shares the work as hospice clown, and the two women deal with their own aging indiverse artistic ways, which seems to be part of the spirituality Marion hints at. To ex-plore this, the next paragraph will deal withMarion’s worldview and her moral stance inmore detail.10.1.3 Marion’s Spirituality—Finally Finding God?Marion’s Subjective Religiosity/SpiritualityMariondoes not belong to a specific religious denomination.Being raisedProtestant butwithout enthusiastic participation onher parents’ side, shemade her first real encounterwith religionwhen she attended confirmation class.There, she encountered a priest whowaswilling to engagewith his pupils andwho encouragedMarion to ask her challengingquestions.However, this did not lead to her becoming religious.When her childrenwereolder, Marion continued her self-titled “search for God” and went to India to live in anashram for a period. In her first interview, she calls herself a “sannyasin with heart andsoul.” In her further interviews it seems as if Marion has quilted her own spirituality.Keller and Wollert (2016, p. 327) have called Marion an “accumulative heretic,” referringto Streib et al. (2009), which seems fitting now by having a longitudinal perspective onMarion’s subjective religiosity/spirituality. In the following table are assembled the dif-ferent data that were gathered regarding the question of how Marion assesses her ownspirituality:10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 301Table32:DataonMarion’sSubjectiveReligiosity/SpiritualityMarionwave1wave2wave3spirituality:Livingeverydaylifeintentlyandemphatically,mindfulnessinthismoment,self-reflectiveness,dailyzenmeditation,tobethereforotheranimatebeings(withouthelpersyndrome),killnoanimalandeatit,themiddlepathofBuddhaandBuddhistpsychology23spirituality:LivingintheHereandNow,fol-lowingownethicalguidelines,livingpersonalmoralvalues.Knowingabouttheembedded-nessintonatureanditscircularflow24spirituality:Livelyexperienceandreflectionofthepresentmoment,alsobydrawingonpastexperiences,andacreativeconnectednesstosomethinghigher25freeentriesreligion:believing,notknowing,dogma,personifiedgod(doesn’texistinmyopinion).Church–adeadend,toofewpersonalfreedoms,butnewstraight-forwardapproachesareworthengagingwith.Iwelcomeencompassingdialogsalot.26religion:restriction,unquestionedsetofrules,immaturity27religion:Religionisahumanconstructwithrulesandnormsthatrestrictmeandpatronizeme.Thatappliestoallreligions28self-assessmentmorespiritualthanreligiousmorespiritualthanreligiousmorespiritualthanreligiousanswertoQ20:Doyouconsideryourselfareli-gious,spiritual,orfaithfulperson?Ican’tseparatethis.Idon’twanttoseparatethis.I’mverysurethatatacertainpointeverythingisthesame.I’mnottalkingaboutinstitutions,thosearemanmade.I’mtalkingaboutmybeliefthat,intheend,wealldreamthesame.Whetherthishasabeardoryinandyangorwhatever.Ihavethefeelingwewouldthatwewouldallmeetatthatpoint.[I:Andhowwouldyoucallthat?]Love,becausethat’suniversal.[…]Allspiritualpeopleactlovingly,atleasttheyshouldiftheytakeitseriously.Whenwetreatnaturelovingly,thenitispreservingandwiththismindfulness.[…]Forexample,thistraditionalfoolcontainsallthreeelements[…]Like,I’mbubblingoverwithfantasyhowtoputthisintopraxis,todosomethingaboutfaithasaclownorasafool.[…][I:So,areligiousandspiritualfoolwhodevotedlyliveswithlove?]Yes,exactly.Withallmistakesandeverythingthat’sattached.[I:Andwhatdoesthismeantoyou?][…]ThatI’macontent,veryoftenhappyperson.[…]Andformethat’sthehighestpointthatcanbereachedasahuman.29I’mjustacuriousperson.That’sadrivingforcewithinme.Iwasborntoaskquestions,andtheolderIget,themorequestions…andaslongasitIthatway,thisworldisfineforme.IamnothingandIcan’tanswerallthis.[…]IreallyknowthatIhaveideas,butIknownothing.Andyoudon’trealizehowrelievingthatis.(laughs)[…]IfIwantto,Icanretreatandsay,Idon’twanttohaveanythingtodowithallofthis.Youcannotdothat.That’stheadvantageofgettingold.[…]Andthisseparationofintellectandfeeling,asitistraditionallydoneinourstudyprograms[…],maybeapositivefantasy,[…]butwhattheyrepresentarepeoplewhodonotparticipateinlife,onlywiththeirheads.30So,withabitoffrowning,spiritual.Ithinkyoucannotseparatethesethings.Irelatetoallofthemabit,butmostlytothespiritualdirection.Well,andthat’swhyI’mhavingmyproblemswiththisquestion,withtheprecisenessofthisquestion.[…][I:Whatdoesitmeanforyou?]Nothing.Idon’tcare.Noteverychildmusthaveaname.Ithink,honestly,thisquestionformeisabitsuperfluous.[I:That’sinterestingbecausetherearequitealotofpeopleforwhomthisisreallyimportant.]Yes,Irespectthat.[…]Ialwaysanswerfrommypointofview.Webothknowthat.Andthatotherpeople-,ifIhadaconversationwithsomeone,thatwouldbeagreatpossibilitytotalkwitheachotheraboutthis,anotheropportunityforanencounter.31302 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesWave 1: Marion’s wave 1 definition of spirituality is the most comprehensive of all threewaves.The concepts she names lean toward Buddhism combined with what sounds likea strive for autonomywhen she emphasizes the value of helping otherswith the additionof “without helper syndrome.”This autonomy is also present in her definition of religionin which she criticizes strict dogmas and the missing opportunities for personal free-dom. Interestingly, she ends this definition with a look into a possible better future inwhich dialog might open the chance for rapprochement. Since this is not yet achieved,it seems logical that Marion self-identifies as “more spiritual” in all of her surveys. Inthe interview, she takes an approach that encompasses being religious as well as beingspiritual and faithful, claiming that they are all the same in the end and lead to the samecore concepts, which she calls love. Her statement clarifies that she thinks in superordi-nate categories, which are not concerned about the boundaries of a single religion andadvocate social fairness. When thinking about these concepts, Marion’s mind immedi-ately starts thinking about how to creatively implement her thoughts in the person of theclown or fool. For her, this figure is the ultimate representation of how she approachesthe topic of faith.The stance described by hermakes her happy and self-content, and shestates that she sees no need for any further development for herself.Wave 2: The contrast between her definitions of religion and spirituality becomesmoreeasily accessible: living according to one’s own ethical principles versus unquestioninglyfollowing a strict set of rules. In her interview answer, she deviates from the terms of-fered to her yet succeeds in elaborating what she may mean by “living personal moralvalues:” being open, curious, and humble. Aging helps her in achieving this state. Lastly,her plea is to not separate emotion and intellect and criticizes temporary science andhumanities inwhich this separation is the case.WhileMarion does not explicitly refer toany religion-related formhere, it becomes clear that what she describes is a good answerto the question she was asked since this is her personal definition of being spiritual inthat moment.Wave 3: Here, being in the present iswhat constitutes spirituality for her,which is simi-lar towhat shehadwrittenatwave2.Moreover, the connection to thepast is emphasized,hinting at possible learning processes as well as the connection to something higher. Nopositive light is shed on religion, and it is seen as rigid and constricting with the possi-bility of dialog and renewal that was mentioned at time 1 not being repeated. However,it is an essential part of her interview answer.Marion reluctantly opts for the term “spir-itual” but emphasizes that she does not like the strict distinction that is made with theterms offered to her and rejects the precision of them.To this end, she indirectly opts fora more encompassing understanding.When the interviewer points out that many peo-ple find the distinction helpful andnecessary, she emphatically states that this is only herpoint of view and argues for dialog and open encounters.Marion’s Image of God—A Late DevelopmentIt is clear that Marion does not favor any organized form of religion. Over the years, shehas refined the way she defines her spirituality, which is currently encompassing andopen for dialog. This demonstrates curiosity, serenity, and firmness in her own stand-10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 303point. However, Marion describes something that can be labelled as a spiritual journeyin all of her interviews. At time 1 she talks about this search like this when she is askedabout her image of God:It was more about the higher power when my kids were grown-ups. […] Then therewas this whole esotericism boom and I’m still a bit ashamed that I fell for this. […]I quickly found this very superficial, and I still think it is, even though I still thinkthere’s some beauty in dealing with these objects and that’s something we have inevery religion and every spirituality, a bit of rituals and the worship of objects, andof course that’s good for the soul in any case. Nevertheless, I tried to see it moreabstract and the question whether there is a god or not was never in my mindconsciously. I never asked this, I was rather searching.32 (Marion, FDI, time 1)In a distanced fashion, she talks about the time period when she “fell for” esotericism,which are practices she currently rejects while acknowledging the value certain ritualsand artifactsmay hold for people,which links this to amore generalized idea of religion.In contrast, she quickly favored themore abstractways of looking at things.Here as else-where, her narrative identity is presented as open and curious with the searching char-acter of her movements emphasized at the end of this quote without putting the searchfor a god in the focus. In hindsight, she may characterize her past self as agnostic, eventhough she does not use this term. Interestingly, at time 2, she frames this differently:I have desperately searched for God. That started during puberty with a lot of ques-tions, then, like with everybody, when I had a crisis… […]. In times of crisis […] Iwent into a Catholic church, I sat everywhere, I talked to people of the church, thatwas nice, like, when you have questions, you are generally welcomed by men andwomen of the church, but it always remained empty. […] There were more ques-tions than answers. And I have stopped believing in miracles in the meantime, andnow I come to the point where I am right now: I don’t need a god. […] Like, I don’tmiss a god.33 (Marion, FDI, time 2)In contrast to her time 1 statement, she says that she “desperately searched for God.” Di-rectly connected to this search are crises that made her look for answers and hope forsupport, both of which she did not find. Instead, she had to learn to live with the abun-dance of questions that remained with intellectual doubt, which led her away from thechurch and from her search for God. In turn, this led her to the conclusion that she doesnot need a god, which is a different nuance than at time 1.At time 3, her engagement with spirituality is prefaced with an autobiographical ar-gument:My self-worth was at rock-bottom, because of my upbringing and all this, in otherwords, I hardly had any self-esteem or it was rather fragile. And by engaging withspiritual things a lot has changed over the years. And I already talked about a fewthings, these changes, these journeys, inner journeys as well as decidedly outerjourneys. And these experiences have just made me more mature.34 (Marion, FDI,time 3)304 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesHer biographical background and her lack of self-esteem due to the circumstances ofher upbringing is suggested to be the main reason why she embarked on her spiritualsearch, which is a different argumentation than at time 2 when she named single crisesas the starting point for this search. The spiritual search combined with the extensivejourneys she took when her children were older are named as formative. Adding to thismore general outline, Marion tells a story about a recent experience which has, surpris-ingly, changed the way she thinks about God:Table 33: Marion’s Narrative: “A Deeper Connectedness”Orientation And until two years ago I did not want to […] concernmyself with God, consciously. Idid not want tomake a decision. I found life so exciting, without God.Complication Two and a half or three years ago, this changed with a current encounter. I dida training in iniativistic process guidance. That’s like, we sit, according to Indianexample, but careful!, that’s not esoteric, but we use this, as it was used in manytraditions, also in Europe, we sit in a circle and palaver, I’d say. […] And we do this innature. […]Evaluation And that’s where, I don’t want to say I met God. Like, this word, it’s used on somanylevels, but for me, I found the solution and say: It is love. And it is a love that doesnot bind. I don’t say, if you do this or that, I don’t love you anymore. Instead, thesuperbness of nature. Then I sat on a Spanish island, 800meters above the sea. Andwhen you sit there day and night, this is holy. […] I cannot describe this with words.Those are all limiting and forme that’s—I’d like to stick with that word—holy.Resolution And I took that home, two years ago, and that’s always within me. And that’s howI live my life now. […] I have this certainty as well as the humility that this world oreverything is a lot bigger thanmyself. And at the same time grows a form of trust, Icould say, that everything is right this way.Coda That has nothing to do with not having a clear view on what is not good here, nevermindwhere, and still, it’s a different, a deeper connectedness.35 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Marion reveals here that she did not want to engage with God, which is consistentwith the status quo she reports at time 2. However, during a training that she partici-pated in (which she describes inmore detail in her interview by emphatically distancingherself from a possible accusation of being esoteric), she had an experience, which ismarked as formative due to the impact it had on her mind. And even though she rela-tivizes her statement “I met God” immediately, it becomes clear that her consciousnesshas gotten anew layer through this experience.Thisnew layer is the certainty that there issomething bigger thanherself,whichwas not stated this directly in her other interviews.This may be a syncretism, or the accomplished form of accumulative heresy, a possiblehigher being alongside a clearmind and an awareness of the outsideworldwith a feelingof connectedness with both of them.The “god”Marion refers to vaguely is, in her surveyanswers to the RGS, described mainly as mystic and ineffable, which adds to the blurrydescription she gives here.10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 305Marion’s spiritual journey can be traced through all of her interviews. However, theemphases she sets are slightly different each time. Organized religion in any form neverappealed to Marion, even though she tried to find access in times of crises but was re-pelled and disappointed each time. Her solution is to engage in a form of spiritualitythat is encompassing and that has love in its center while being content with the factthat she cannot know the answer to every question.That way,Marion is able to combineher appreciation for sciencewith her emotional approach and the readiness to engage indialog and stay curious. At the age of 73, Marion is willing to understand other people’sopinions and can, as she states, tolerate otherness.10.1.4 Marion’s Development—Triangulating the DataLooking now at the structural evaluation of Marion’s interviews, one sees that Marionwas classified as a mover downward, from being a type 4 (emerging dialogical-xeno-sophic) at time 1 to a type 3 (predominantly individuative-reflective) at the other time-points.While at time 1, nearly half of her answers were rated style 5 (dialogical), and thisis the exception for her other interviews.The raters of these interviews found her able tothink systematically and critically yet often with an ideological background lacking theopenness a style 5 would require. Despite all the openness displayed in her answers, thisis consistentwithmyfindings from the above analysis since it seems that there are (invis-ible) boundaries or blind spots, even thoughMarion can still be considered a thoughtful,reflective person. She is able to think “outside the box” and often shows tendencies for astyle 5 thinking where she considers other perspectives and emphasizes her convictionthat her own knowledge is limited as is acknowledged in the scoring sheets of her time 2and 3 interviews.Taking a look into her survey results, this interesting pattern of interpretation getsanother layer:Table 34: Selected Data fromMarion’s Survey Resultswave 1 wave 2 wave 3Marion M(SD) Marion M(SD) Marion M(SD)Religious Schema Scaletruth of texts and teach-ings2.80 2.63(1.17)2.80 2.42(1.12)2.60 2.60(1.11)fairness, tolerance, andrational choice4.60 4.35(0.38)4.20 4.28(0.51)4.80 4.56(0.40)xenosophia/inter-religiousdialog4.40 3.64(0.75)4.60 3.57(0.76)5.00 3.75(0.72)Ryff Scaleautonomy 3.71 3.67(0.59)3.43 3.20(0.40)2.86 3.15(0.40)306 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesenvironmentalmastery 4.43 3.67(0.71)4.43 3.72(0.59)4.29 3.68(0.57)personal growth 4.86 4.38(0.38)4.86 4.17(0.39)4.86 4.31(0.40)positive relations withothers4.71 3.86(0.65)4.43 3.90(0.62)4.14 3.94(0.65)purpose in life 3.57 3.77(0.61)3.71 3.76(0.51)3.57 3.64(0.50)self-acceptance 4.14 3.79(0.68)4.71 3.86(0.62)4.29 3.88(0.63)NEO-FFIemotional stability 3.08 3.42(0.78)4.08 3.40(0.70)3.17 3.40(0.68)extraversion 3.67 3.26(0.58)4.00 3.25(0.58)3.33 3.20 (0.56)openness to experience 4.83 3.90(0.47)4.50 3.89(0.49)4.83 3.92(0.58)agreeableness 4.08 3.74(0.46)4.00 3.73(0.44)3.67 3.78(0.51)conscientiousness 3.08 3.70(0.49)3.25 3.76(0.51)2.92 3.78(0.50)On the Religious Schema Scale, Marion shows moderate scores for ttt, which is sur-prising considering that shedoesnot followany special denomination anddoesnot showany sign of fundamentalist ideas. Her xenos score is, at all timepoints, at least one stan-dard deviation higher than the average of my sample, indicating an appreciation for di-alog and encounters with the strange, often mentioned in her interviews as well.As forher scores on theRyff Scale, it canbe said thatMarion’s score on autonomydropsat time 3,whichmight be related to her becoming older andmore fragile as shementionsin the interview. The other scores on the subscales align with the narrative identity shedisplays in her interviews.Marion is a person who is interested in personal growth and ingaining knowledge, a trait that is stable over all timepoints. After a life that had its crises,shehas come to accept andeven love theway she is,arriving at a level of self-acceptance thatis higher than the average.Her score for emotional stability is slightly lower than the average at waves 1 and 3 andsomewhat higher at wave 2.The reasons for that are only speculative even though a cer-tain instability can be inferred fromMarion’s interviews, especially when she talks aboutthe strained relationships with her children. A high score for openness to experience is notsurprisinggiven the elaborations above. Interestingly,whileMarion claims tobemindfuland taking care of her environment,her scores on conscientiousnessare considerably lowerthan the average of the sample. Itmight be hypothesized thatMarion’s focus has been onher ownwell-being for a long time period, and she does not have any obligatory commit-ments anymore.This low scoremay also point to amild formof hedonism,whichMarion10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 307hints at when she talks about the extensive journeys she took that were not appreciatedby her children.Summed up, it has become apparent that Marion is a person who has had to dealwith some hardships in her life. Having had her children at a young age, she later feltthe need to catch up on what she hadmissed during adolescence. She started travelling,which is marked as important for her personal development; however, this occurred atthe expense of neglecting the relationship with her own children. There is a shadow onthe narrative identity Marion constructs over the years. She presents herself as humble,self-satisfied, open, curious, and wise in some parts.The relationship with her childrenis not presented in a varnishedway, even though these parts of her interviews are brieferthan others. The impression is that Marion tends to avoid this topic for the sake of themore positive aspects of her life and her spirituality.Thismight explain why the raters ofthe later interviews favored the individuative-systemic style 4 since,at least in somepartsof her interviews, it becomes apparent that the displayed openness has its boundaries.However, the most remarkable impression one gets fromMarion is that of a womanwho is satisfiedwith what she has achieved in life andwho can look at herself and otherswith clemency. She appreciates the good things in life and has “foundGod,” as she claimsat time 3. She has come to the conclusion that the main goal for her is to make daily lifesacred or holy, which is exemplified in this quote from her last interview:Seize the day… I’m sitting here talking to you on the phone. In between, I fumblewith the computer mouse or so… and that is holy, the Here and Now is what countsfor me. What was yesterday is gone, never to come back. And what’s tomorrow, wedon’t know. […] So, I don’t have the feeling I absolutely have to do something orcatch up on something. That’s a question of age and a question of contentedness.[…] Everything else is of no relevance to me. I know that it exists, but it’s not im-portant for me.36 (Marion, FDI, time 3)Marion has learned that life does not often turn out as planned and has therefore con-cluded that it is the present that counts the most, which might be another contributingfactor for her low scores on conscientiousness.That being said,Marion has created her ownspirituality, taking pieces of different religions and worldviews andmade them her ownwithdifferent emphases in each interview.This change ismirrored inher survey answersregarding the question whether she considers herself atheist. This is affirmed at wave 1while at wave 2, she opts for “non-theist.” At wave 3, she neither identifies as atheist nornon-theist. Instead, she chooses the statement “I believe there is a reality beyond scien-tific reasoning.” She is, and that is characterizing for her as well, well aware that her ownhorizon is limited and that others might have a perspective substantially different fromher own. Her work as a clown with the sick and dying shows that she does not shy awayfrom the confrontation with difficult topics and that she can productively process theseexperiences and turn them into a positive view on herself, her life, and her death. Look-ing for a possible leitmotif, it becomes clear that this is complex.Marionwould probablybe content with “Prepare yourself to die and then live in the present.”308 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesNotes1 Wenn Sie in Ihrer letzten Sekunde sich fragen: „Habe ich mein junges Leben wirk-lich so gelebt,wie ichdaswollte?“UndwennSie sichdiese Frage imwachenZustandbeantwortenkönnen,dannwerdenSie sich verändern.Weil,Sie lebenmehr imHierund Jetzt.2 Kindheit, Jugend, dann kommt ein Kapitel mit meiner Persönlichkeit fremd sozu-sagen und dann kommt das Altern wieder zu mir persönlich zurück. [I: Ok. Wasverstehen Sie darunter, unter Persönlichkeit fremd?] Also, als Kindwar ichmir nah.Als Jugendliche auf eine gewisseWeise auch unddannwurde ich diese [Marion], al-somein Leben nahm andere, völlig andere Bahnen, die mit dem,was ich eigentlichim Leben bin, nichts mehr, fast nichts mehr zu tun hatte. […] Also was für mich be-deutsam ist, dass ich immer ein kreativer hochsensiblerMenschwar und zumeinerZeit als ich Kind war, war das eher störend, also die Menschen oder die Erwachse-nen konnten kaum damit umgehen und darum finde ich das wichtig, dass ich mireinenRaumgeschaffenhabe,also einen sozusagennicht virtuellen,aber eineneige-nenRaumgeschaffen habe, in dem ich dann zuHausewar sozusagen.Das finde ichbedeutsam. Äußere Ereignisse, also ich bin aufgewachsen in einem sehr kleinbür-gerlichen Haus.Wenn ich das mit wenig Emotionen erzähle, liegt das nicht daran,dass ich dawas zurückhalte, also dazu sindGefühle dadurchaus, aber die sindnichtmehr relevant. Also ich habe die therapeutisch und inmeinem Leben verarbeitet u.a. eben auch spirituell.3 Ja. In Abschnitte. Ja und Nein. In Entwicklungsabschnitte. Und wenn ich jetzt so –ich werde bald 70 –wenn ich so zurückblicke, dann sage ich „Nein“, weil ich festge-stellt habe, dass alles immer schon dawar, nurman ist alsMensch nicht in der Lage,diese Erkenntnisse zu verarbeiten. Also von daher beides: Jede Entwicklungsstufehat irgendwelche Schwerpunkte und doch glaube ich, dass wir uns nicht irgendwieverändern, sondern dazulernen. [I: Undwenn Sie über Ihr eigenes Leben nachden-ken?] Ja, das ist fürmich undmein Leben genauso. Ich finde, je älter ichwerde, dassich Erfahrungen mache, die ich als Kind schon gemacht habe, so in der Natur oderso, also solche archaischen Erlebnisse, die ich als Kind gehabt habe und die ich im-mer zwischendurch gehabt habe, aber nicht beachtet habe, aber jetzt beachte, mirdie Zeit nehme dafür, und jetzt im Rückblick das auch verstehe. Von daher könnteich auch sagen: Nein. Es hat keine, im tiefer liegenden Sinne, keine Abschnitte.Nurso auf der ersten Schicht des Hinguckens hat man natürlich ne Menge an Dingen,die man der Pubertät oder dem Kind sein oder der Ehe zudiktiert.4 Also auf jeden Fall die üblichen Kapitel, Kindheit, Jugend, Erwachsensein, Altern.Dann eine Kategorie Familie und Beruf. Dann Glaube und Spiritualität. Das würdesicher manchmal reinfließen in die einzelnen Kapitel. […] Also ein wichtiges The-ma ist für mich Frau sein, wie bin ich in der Gesellschaft unterwegs? Was gibt esfür Eindrücke über Frauen? […] [I: Welche Ereignisse sind rückblickend irgendwiebesonders bedeutsam?] […]Gut,also alsEinzelkindaufgewachsen, 1946 geboren,al-so als der Krieg gerade zu Ende war. Und Erfahrungen gesammelt mit immer nochPanzernaufderStraßeund fremdartig aussehenden-alsoMenschenandererHaut-farbe. So auf demDorf zu den damaligen Jahrenwar das schonwas Besonderes. […]10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 309Und, hm, also ich habe nicht die Erfahrung gemacht, dass wir nix zu Essen hatten.Wir lebten auf einem Dorf und waren so eine Mittelschichtsfamilie, würde ich sa-gen.Esgab einSchweinund solcheDinge,dasswir also immerzuEssenhatten.Vondaher habe ich so vonderNot derNachkriegszeit nicht so sehr vielmitgekriegt.Wasich wichtig finde ist, dass auch inmeiner Familie überhaupt nicht über Kriegstrau-mata und welche Rolle spielten unsere Väter und Großväter im Dritten Reich zumBeispiel? Das hatmich später sehr beschäftigt. […]UndmeineMutterwar auch eineFrau, die, als sie alt wurde und nicht mehr so ganz fit im Kopf war, darüber gespro-chen hatte, also der Hitler war gar nicht so schlecht, der hat ja die Straßen gebautoder sowas.Da kamdas wieder hoch,wo ich dachte, naja, hatman nicht dran gear-beitet, ne.5 Und eine noch mal eine gewaltige Veränderung, die mich sehr verändert und ge-prägt hat, ist dass ichHospizmitarbeiterin geworden bin und zur gleichen Zeit eineAusbildung als Klinik-Clownin gemacht habe. […] Oder Clown und Menschen mitDemenz, also ich spiele mit MenschenTheater, also ich spiele nicht den Clown, ichbin die Clownin, das ist was anderes. Da habe ich endgültig gelernt, dass alles, wasSpiritualität ist, egal in welcher Richtung, einfach an jeder Straßenecke zu findenist. Bei jedemPenner, bei jedembehindertenMenschen, bei jedemder sich für nor-mal hält und das sind die entscheidendsten Punkte und da bin ich jetzt.6 Und was mich wirklich aus dem allen rausgeholt hat, ist die Närrin, also die Clow-nin,weil das ist Liebe pur.Was die roteNase öffnet bei Kindern und bei Alten, selbstbei den an Demenz erkrankten Menschen, das sind Geschenke, die von Gott, vonBuddha, aus dem Universum, ist mir völlig egal. Und jetzt in meinem Alter wirddas immermehr undwir haben dann, alsomeine Freundin und ich, haben uns die-sem verschrieben und nennen das [Die Kunst des Altwerdens] und das geht nichtohne diese Spiritualität und wir setzen das um.Wir drehen inzwischen Filme dar-über, haben eine gut besuchteWebsite und setzen das künstlerisch um,aber immerunter diesemAspekt des Liebevollen.Also,wir legen uns nicht fest auf eine Religionoder irgend so was, aber auf das, was ethisch wichtig ist so und danach leben wirauch.7 Der Tod gehört zumLeben.Das ist fürmich nicht nur eine Floskel, aber diewird oftbenutzt. […] Natürlich habe ich, wie jeder Mensch, sag ich mal,Wünsche anmeineTodin, aber ich glaube auch nicht, dass nach dem Tod irgendwas passiert, […]. Alsoich habe einen Platz in einemFriedwald und ich finde es wunderschön da zwischenBaumwurzeln und da entsteht vielleicht ein Himmelschlüsselchen oder irgend sowas. Also die Vorstellung, dass nach dem Tod irgendwas weitergeht, ist sehr tröst-lich fürMenschen und darum, glaube ich, brauchen vieleMenschen das auch. Aberich brauche das nichtmehr, also das ist so eine humorvolle Vorstellung, ausmeinerAsche wächst ein Himmelschlüsselchen ne, wie so eine Metapher ne. […] Wenn ichmorgen sterben müsste, wäre das okay. Also das sage ich jetzt. Da muss man auchimmer sagen, ichweiß,dasswenndasMorgen einträte,dass ich auchbitte noch alleChancen haben möchte, diesen Gedankengang zu ändern. Das finde ich ist so eineGeschichte bei den Patiententestamenten. Also, dann schreibtman das theoretischauf und alle unterstützen einen, das zu tun und dann sind nachher alle ganz eif-rig dabei dieseWünsche zu erfüllen undmerken gar nicht, dass der fast Sterbende310 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesvielleicht dochWasser oder einen Krumen Brot möchte. Also das ist mir wohl auchklar, dass ich, ja, das man nicht weiß, was in der Zukunft passiert.Wir können nurspekulieren.8 Und das einschneidendste und für mich beeindruckendste Erlebnis war die Pfle-ge zum Tode meiner Mutter. Weil das hat mein ganzes Leben rund gemacht. Undals meineMutter vor eineinhalb, zwei Jahren dann verstorben ist, seitdem, das warwohl das allergravierendste: Ichhabe keineAngstmehr vormLeben, ich greifewirk-lich rein in Begegnungen und ich hab gelernt,was „still“ ist.Und das ganze habe ichimmer mein Leben lang irgendwie künstlerisch verarbeitet.9 Seitdemsie tot ist und ich dieseVerantwortungnichtmehr habe, sie aber übernom-men habe, also, für mich habe ich nie gedacht, dass ich solche Kräfte haben würde,das zu tun. Ich rede jetzt nicht nur von den körperlichen, sondern auch von, ja, wasalles imKopf stattfindet.Und ichmöchte diese Erfahrung nichtmissen, gleichwohlmöchte ich […] dieseOptionhaben, selbstbestimmtzu sterben. […] Ich [habe]meineMöglichkeit gefunden,wenn ich es dennwill. Und da ich dieseMöglichkeiten habe,fühle ichmich frei.Das hilftmir auch,mehr vielleicht auszuhalten,was noch so aufuns zukommt, so, ich meine jetzt auch so gesellschaftlich, was wir verkraften kön-nen. Das ist ja nicht alles rosig und ich beneide Sie nicht um Ihre Jugend. Ich kannimmer noch sagen: Nach mir die Sintflut. Also, so flapsig wäre ich nicht, ich fühlemich auch schon verantwortlich und ich hebe im Kleinen jedes Papier auf, was einKind hat fallen lassen […]. Also, ich sehemich schon auch als verantwortlich für dasin dem, was ich tue. Aber meinen Tod bestimme ich genauso selbst, wie mein Le-ben! […] Also es ist nichts, was ich verheimliche, wo ich auch offen mit umgehe, imGegenteil, es gibt inzwischenMenschen, die zu mir kommen, weil sie Fragen dazuhaben.Wie ich das sehe. Und diemichmit ihrer Zerrissenheit auch umRat fragen.Und ich gebe keinenRat.Das kann ich nicht. Ich kann ihnen nurMöglichkeiten, dieich sehe, eröffnen. Alles andere müssen sie selbst machen. Man wird bescheiden.Wenn ich mich sehe als Mensch in diesem Universum, dann ist das doch nicht malein Fliegenschiss.10 Wie die Geburt ist für mich der Tod eine Chance, menschliche Erfahrungen zu er-weitern und obwir sie nutzen oder nicht, ist in das Ermessen eines jeden Einzelnengestellt. Wie ich vorhin schon sagte, ist das auch nur ein Übergang in... nicht inandere Welten, sondern in, ich sag mal, so wie alles ins Leben hineinkommt undwieder rausgeht, wie die Jahreszeiten und vielleicht sind auch –das ist jetzt wiedereine reine Spinnerei – vielleicht sind auch Teilchen von uns, in dieser Quantenphy-sik gibt es eine Strömung,die das vertreten,werden Teilchen von uns, die sich dannwieder verbinden mit... Aber das ist jetzt nur eine Gedankenspielerei oder so undwenn der Tod unerträglich wird, finde ich, dann sollte man sich solche Ausflügegönnen, weil dann kannman die Angst mit so nem bisschen Humor verpacken.11 Also ich bin Geriatrie-Clownin. […] Also sie haben eine psychologisch, philoso-phisch, künstlerische Ausbildung zum Clown. […] Und ich habe das nun wirklichernsthaft gelernt, einige Jahre.UndderUnterschied ist, […]meineFreundinund ichsind nicht zu Kindern gegangen, sondern wir haben uns mit den Reaktionen vondemenzerkrankten Menschen beschäftigt. Und sind also in Altenheime gegangen,und auch, wir sind Hospizmitarbeiterinnen. […] Wir gehen auch zu Sterbenden,10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 311also sowohl zum Händchen halten, um es mal so salopp auszudrücken, als auchals Narr da hinzugehen. Es ist erstaunlich, was in den leidenden Menschen diesekomische Figur so einer ganz feinen Art von Freude macht.12 Und diese […] Dinge sind so das Entscheidende im Leben, dass ich eine zufriedeneAlte bin. Natürlich mit Macken und Einschränkungen, in meinem Alter auch ge-sundheitlicher Art, aber eine Zufriedenheit innerhalb der Rahmen zu bekommen,dermöglichen Rahmen, die noch zur Verfügung stehen.Das halte ich für ein hohesGut. Ach und diese 25 Jahre in der Tätigkeit, dass wir ja viel mit Sterbenden und al-tenMenschenoder krankenMenschenzu tunhatten,hat so eineSichtweise geprägtvon, wir betrachten das Leben vom Ende her. Also, das erleichtert vieles, so.13 Oh, das ist ja nun mein Steckenpferd. Der Tod gehört zum Leben dazu wie die Ge-burt.Der Tod ist einÜbergang in etwas,waswir nicht kennen. […] Ich habe eineGe-schichte für mich, ich möchte gerne in einem Friedwald, den Platz habe ich schon,eingebuddelt werden und meine Asche dient als Futter für, was weiß ich, eine Kuhoder ein Eichhörnchen oder sowas. Und dann werde ich verdaut in dem Eichhörn-chen und dann werde ich ganz natürlich wieder ausgeschieden und dünge den Bo-den. Und aus dem Boden wächst wieder ein Baum, unter dem jemand liegt. Dannkommt das Eichhörnchen – Sie verstehen, was ich damit sagen will? Also das mei-ne ich mit Übergang. Und wohin wir gehen… also nichts an Energie, nach meinerMeinung, nichts an Energie in unserer Welt geht verloren. Die Summe aller Ener-gieformen […] ist konstant, die variiert nur im…wie dieseTheorien, dassMaterie jaauch nur Information ist zumBeispiel. […] Und dass wirMenschen Angst [vor demTod] haben,weil wir ihn ausgegliedert haben in unserer Gesellschaft.Und ichwün-schemir, dass erwieder Einzug halten kann in unsereGesellschaft.Und da sindwirauf einem gutenWege, da gibt es viele, die sich darum kümmern. […] Und dann ister ein großer Lehrmeister. Sie wissen nicht, also ich wünsche Ihnen alles Gute, bisSie 95 werden. Aber nur ein Beispiel, Sie fahren mit dem Fahrrad, morgen passiertwas. Wenn Sie in Ihrer letzten Sekunde sich fragen: „Habe ich mein junges Lebenwirklich so gelebt,wie ich daswollte?“UndwennSie sich diese Frage imwachenZu-stand beantworten können, dann werden Sie sich verändern.Weil, Sie leben mehrim Hier und Jetzt. […] Und das bewirkt die Auseinandersetzung mit dem Tod undmit dem Sterben.14 MeineMutter ist jetzt 92 gewordenund ichhabemich entschieden- also,die ist totaltopfit noch, also wie man in dem Alter so sein kann. Natürlich braucht sie diverseHilfe. Und wenn es soweit ist, dass sie nicht mehr kann, werde ich da sein. Alsoich werde sie nicht körperlich pflegen, ich möchte emotional da sein und das ausfreien Stücken. […] [I: Wie hat sich das Bild von Ihren Eltern im Laufe der Jahreverändert?] Ja, einfach sehr. Diese ganzen pubertären Erscheinungen kennt manja und auch als Erwachsene habe ich mich sehr bevormundet gefühlt von meinerMutter, konnte mich lange nicht wehren dagegen. Aber es ist jetzt so, ich bin auchnicht ihre Mutter geworden, darauf habe ich jetzt sehr geachtet, sondern wir sindeine ältere und eine alte Frau. Also diese Symbiose, also ganz weg geht sie nie, alsodas wäre ja eine Illusion, aber es ist angenehmmit uns beiden so, ja.15 Die Beziehung mit meiner Mutter und mir war immer sehr kühl, sehr distanziert,und ichdenke,meineMutter ist eigentlich immerKindgeblieben, so,eigentlichwar312 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesich die VersorgerinmeinerMutter schon als Kind, aber es war eben immer schwie-rig, also, es war einfach eine schwierige Beziehung.16 Diese Distanz ist geblieben, die ist auch jetzt immer noch da... Aber, also ich mer-ke, wie sich meine Stimme dann verändert, wenn ich darüber spreche, dann wirdes etwas klamm im Hals. Ich sage mal, also dadurch, dass ich mich entschieden –wie soll ich das formulieren? Sie hat mir erlaubt, sie in den Tod zu begleiten. Unddafür bin ich ihr dankbar. Ich liebe sie nicht. Auch jetzt nicht. Und sie hat immerversucht, sich in mein Leben zu mischen. […] Für mich habe ich nie gedacht, dassich solche Kräfte haben würde, das zu tun, ich rede jetzt nicht nur von den körper-lichen, sondern auch von, ja, was alles im Kopf stattfindet. Und ich möchte dieseErfahrung nicht missen.17 Also meine Mutter war ein sehr schwieriger Mensch.Wenn ich heute vorsichtig ei-ne Diagnose stellen würde, war sie eher eine Borderline-Persönlichkeit. Das gab esdamals nicht. Das erklärt so ein bisschen, dass keine oder sehr unstrukturierte Be-ziehungen stattfinden konnten und ich mein Leben lang immer nicht ganz natür-lichmitGrenzen,mitDistanz undNähe umgehen kann.Das ist fürmich immer einstückweit schwierig. Das finde ich sehr prägend. Also ich würde sagen, das ist dieGrundprägungüberhaupt. […]UndmeineMutter habe ich verzweifelt gehasst.Unddiese Hassliebe ist auch geblieben, bis ich, glaube ich, so mit meiner persönlichenReife- och, ich glaube, bis ich 60war. Ja. […] Also, dasmit dem Lieben, hat ganz ein-deutig erst angefangen, nachdem ich sie gepflegt habe. Vorher wäre das zwischenuns nichtmöglich gewesen. […]Das Interessantewar, ich habe sie sozusagen zu To-de gepflegt, um es (lächelt) mal wieder salopp auszudrücken, (lacht) aber das zeigtschon, es hat viel Versöhnung in mir gegeben.18 Jetzt komme ich zu den Einschnitten die gravierend waren auch in Richtung per-sönlicher Erweiterung sozusagen. Ich wusste, das mit Ehe und Familie, ich wusstenicht, dass das nicht mein Ding ist. Ich bin da ja reingerutscht. Aus heutiger Sichtwürde ich das, wäre ich wahrscheinlich, verheiratet weiß ich nicht, aber ich hättevermutlich keine Kinder, nicht weil ich Kinder nicht mag, sondern weil ich merke,dass ich andere Lebensaufgaben habe und so. Und ein ganz entscheidender Ein-schnitt war, dass mein jüngerer Sohn mit 18 ungefähr, 19, an [einer psychische Er-krankung] erkrankte undda istmir klar geworden,dass irgendwas in unseremSys-tem Familie nicht stimmt, […] dass dieses System nicht funktionierte, da habe icherkannt, dass ich sehr symbiotisch verbundenwarmitmeinerMutter und dass dasauch einen großen Teil dieser Fremdbestimmung ausmachte […].Ich habe immerschon viel gelesen, aber da habe ich das erste Mal wirklich angefangen mich mitSchuld,mit Sühne [zu beschäftigen].19 Dann als die Kinder aus dem Haus gingen, das sind auch nochmal entscheidendePunkte,woman,wo ja nicht nur die Kinder sich loslösen, sondernMuttermuss dasauchunddaswar ein sehr schmerzhafterProzess,obwohl ich immerdachte, ichwä-re so locker. Aber das war ich überhaupt nicht, im Nachhinein betrachtet. […] Dasist jetzt ein bisschen durcheinander, aber ich glaube, und das mache ich eigentlichschon seitdem ich dreißig bin, meine Kinder sind nicht so sehr glücklich mit mir,also das ist mir auch klar, weil ich immer nie so die Mutter war, die sie gebrauchthätten, wahrscheinlich. Das hat mich auch eine ganzeWeile belastet, aber sie sind10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 313aus sich heraus zwei erwachsene,mit allenGrenzenundErweiterungen, zweiMän-ner geworden, die sich sehen lassen können. […] Also, insofern habe ich das schonauch auf dem Rücken von Menschen, für die ich verantwortlich war, teilweise ge-macht. Und das ist auch ein Wermutstropfen, aber ich kann es nicht ändern. Also,es ist schon so, dass mich das, auch wenn ich jetzt so darüber spreche, sehr tief be-rührt.20 Mein jüngerer Sohn wurde mit neunzehn [psychisch krank], was mich nicht wun-dert, wie gesagt, wir sind alle Spinner in der Familie, […] und mein jüngerer Sohnhat das Leben auchnicht ausgehalten,genauwie seineMutter an vielenStellen,undwurde [psychischkrank],und ist heute, also,wennmanesnichtweiß,merktmanesnicht, er hat seinHandicaps undmuss auchMedikamente nehmen, aber ist ein tol-ler Mann geworden. So. Aber da hatte ich lange diese Phase, dass ich dachte, wennich nicht mehr da wäre, würde es ihm besser gehen. Also das ist dann ja auch so nepsychologische Verdrehtheit, ich hab dannTherapien gemacht, ich war in der Lage,mir Hilfe, zu holen, so. Also, insofern ist es bei diesen Gedanken geblieben, aber ichhabe mich lange mit diesemThema beschäftigt.21 Ich bin mit 19 schwanger geworden und habe mein erstes Kind bekommen. Wirmussten damals heiraten, also das stand außer Frage. Ich war 19, mein Mann war20, wir meinen dann zwar immer, wir sind so furchtbar erwachsen, aber dass dasin die Hose ging, ist eigentlich klar, ne. Das muss irgendwie. Also in den seltenstenFällen ist sowas gutgegangen.22 Weitere Punkte sind auf jeden Fall die Erfahrung,Kinder zu erziehen.Und vor allenDingen, wenn das dann nicht rundläuft, und mit meinem Freiheitsdrang… Ich ha-bemich nicht wirklich entschieden, Kinder zu bekommen, sondern sie waren ebeneinfach da und man muss damit zurechtkommen. Und damit stand ich immer imKonflikt, mit meinem Bedürfnis nach Freiheit. […] Also mit meinem Drang, michin der Welt zu bewegen, das ist ja dann erst mal ganz schön eingeschränkt. Undich bin mit Sicherheit auch, wenn Sie meine Söhne fragen würden, nicht wirklichso eine tolle Mutter gewesen. Also wir können leider wenig darüber sprechen. Vonmir aus wäre das Interesse größer, aber meine Söhne haben sich irgendwie mit ih-rem Leben eingerichtet, und dann ist das eben so. Ich hätte gern mir Aufarbeitunggewünscht, auch in ihrem Interesse.Aber das ist sehr schwierig.Gestaltete sich im-mer schwierig und ist es auch noch. Sind zwei Top-Männer geworden, die gut imLeben zurechtkommen. Das ist ja schon mal eine Menge. Und offensichtlich wardann jadochnicht alles soganz soverkehrt,wenndie sich soentwickelt haben,mussich ja auch einiges dazu beigetragen haben so.23 Den Alltag aufmerksam u. emphatisch leben, Achtsamkeit in diesem Augenblick,Selbstreflektion, tägliche ZEN-Meditation, für andere Lebewesen da sein (ohneHelfersyndrom), kein Tier töten und essen, den mittleren Weg des Buddha undbudd. Psychologie.24 Leben imHier und Jetzt, eigenen ethischen Richtlinien folgen, persönlichemorali-scheWerte leben.Wissen um die Einbettung in die Natur und ihrem Kreislauf.25 Lebendiges Erleben und Reflektion des gegenwärtigen Augenblicks unter Zuhilfe-nahme der vergangenen Erfahrungen und ein kreatives Angebundensein an etwasHöheres.314 Leitmotifs in Life Stories26 Glauben-nichtwissen,Dogma, personifizierter Gott (gibt esm.E.nicht) Kirche- ei-ne Sackgasse, zu wenig persönliche Freiheit, aber neue, offensive Ansätze lohneneine Auseinandersetzung. Übergreifende Dialoge begrüße ich sehr.27 Einengung, unhinterfragtes Regelwerk, Unmündigkeit.28 Religion ist einmenschlichesKonstruktmitRegelnundNormen,diemicheinengenund bevormunden. Das gilt für alle Religionen.29 Das kann ich nicht trennen. Das will ich auch nicht trennen. Ich bin sehr sicher,dass ab einen gewissen Punkt das alles gleich ist. Also ich rede nicht von den In-stitutionen, die sind menschengemacht. Ich rede davon, dass ich glaube, dass wiralle letztendlich von demselben träumen.Ob das einen Bart hat oder Ying und Yangoder ich weiß nicht. Ich habe so ein Gefühl das wir uns an diesem Punkt alle treffenwürden. [I: Und wie würden Sie das nennen?] Liebe, weil das ist universell. […] AlleMenschen, die spirituell sind, verhalten sich liebevoll, sollten sie zumindest, wennsie es ernst nehmen ja.Wennwir liebevoll mit der Natur umgehen, dann ist das er-haltend undmit dieser Achtsamkeit. […] Zum Beispiel in dieser traditionellen När-rin sind alle drei Elemente drinnen […].Also da sprudelt beimir gleichdie Phantasiewieder,wie ich das umsetzen könnte, als Clownin oderNärrinwas über Glauben zumachen. […] [I: Also sozusagen eine religiös spirituelle Närrin, die hingebungsvollmit Liebe lebt?] Ja genau. Mit allen Fehlern und allem, was dazu gehört, ja. [I: Undwas bedeutet das für Sie dann?] […] Dass ich ein zufriedener, sehr oft glücklicherMensch bin. […] Und das ist für mich das Höchste, was ich als Mensch erreichenkann.30 Ich bin einfach ein neugieriger Mensch. Und das ist eine Antriebsfeder in mir. Ichbin geboren zum Fragen stellen und je älter ich werde, umso mehr Fragen... undsolange das so ist, ist für mich diese Welt in Ordnung. Ich bin nix und ich kanndas auch alles nicht beantworten. […] Ich weiß wirklich, dass ich Ideen habe, aberwissen tue ich gar nichts. Und Sie glauben gar nicht, wie entlastend das ist. (lacht)[…] Ich kann mich, wenn ich will, zurückziehen und sagen: Ich will mit dem allennichts mehr zu tun haben. Das können Sie nicht. Das ist der Vorteil des Alterns.[…] Und diese Spaltung von Intellekt und Gefühl, wie das traditionell in unserenStudiengängen soüblich ist […], kann eine positive Phantasie sein, […] aber das,wassie darstellen, sindMenschen, die nicht am Leben teilnehmen, nur mit dem Kopf.31 Also mit ein bisschen Stirn krausziehen, spirituell. Ich finde, dass man diese Din-ge nicht so trennen kann. Ich würdemich bei allem so ein bisschen zuordnen, aberam meisten in der spirituellen Richtung. So und deswegen hatte ich gerade so einbisschen Problememit der Frage,mit der Präzision dieser Frage. […] [I:Was bedeu-tet das denn dann für Sie?] Gar nix. Das ist mir egal. Also es muss nicht jedes Kindeinen Namen haben. Also ich finde, ehrlich gesagt, diese Frage so ein bisschen, fürmich, eher überflüssig. [I: Ja, das ist ja auch interessant, weil es durchaus nicht we-nig Leute gibt, denen das ganz wichtig ist.] Ja, ich respektiere das, ja. […] Ich ant-worte auch immer nur aus meiner Sicht der Dinge. Das wissen wir ja auch. Unddass andere Menschen-, wenn ich mit jemandem ein Gespräch führen würde, wä-re das vielleicht eine tolle Möglichkeit, auch mal miteinander darüber zu sprechendann, auch wieder eine Begegnungsmöglichkeit.10. Marion—Focusing on Life and Death 31532 Dann ging es eher in die höhere Macht, als meine Kinder erwachsen waren, grö-ßer waren. […]. Dann kam ja auch hier diese ganze Esoterikwelle und ich bin im-mer noch ein bisschen beschämt, dass ich da auch draufmitgeschwommen bin. […]Fand dann das sehr schnell sehr oberflächlich, und nachwie vor auch finde, obwohles schön ist mit diesen Objekten umzugehen und das haben wir ja in der Religionund in jeglicher Spiritualität, also Rituale und so eine Art Objektverehrung so einbisschen und das ist natürlich was Gutes für die Seele in jedem Fall. Trotzdem habeich das immer so ein stückweit abstrahiert und die Frage ob es Gott gibt oder nicht,die hat sichmir nicht bewusst gestellt. Ich habe die auch so nie gestellt, sondern ichwar eher auf der Suche.33 Ich habe Gott verzweifelt gesucht. Das fing in der Pubertät an mit ganz vielen Fra-gen, dann ist das wie bei jedemMenschen so, immer wenn ich ne Krise hatte… […].In Krisensituationen […] bin ich auch in ne katholische Kirche gegangen, ich habmich überall hingesetzt, ich hab mit Menschen der Kirchen, wir konnten immerganz gut, also, wenn man Fragen hat, ist man bei Gottesmännern und -frauen jaauch immer erst einmal willkommen, aber es ist immer leer geblieben. […] Es blie-ben immer mehr Fragen als Antworten. Und so hab ich dann auch aufgehört, anWunder zu glauben inzwischen, und jetzt komme ich zu meinem jetzigen Punkt:Ich brauch keinen Gott. […] Also, ich vermisse keinen Gott.34 Mein Selbstwert war durchmeine Erziehung und dieses Ganze, eher im Keller, mitanderen Worten, ein Selbstwertgefühl hatte ich so gut wie gar nicht oder war sehrbrüchig. Und durch diese Beschäftigung mit spirituellen Dingen hat sich sehr vielgetan im Laufe der Jahre. Einiges habe ich dazu ja schon gesagt, diese Veränderun-gen,dieseReisen, sowohl innereReisen als auch ganz klar äußereReisen.UnddieseErfahrungen habenmich einfach reifer gemacht.35 Und bis vor zwei Jahren wollte ich mit Gott, […] mich ganz bewusst überhauptnicht [beschäftigen]. Ich wollte keine Entscheidungen treffen. Ich fand das Lebenso spannend, auch ohne Gott. Vor, ich glaube, zweieinhalb Jahren oder vor dreiJahren hat sich das verändert nochmal mit einer aktuellen Begegnung. Ich habenämlich nochmal so eine Fortbildung gemacht in initiativistischer Prozessbeglei-tung. Das ist, wir sitzen, nach indianischem Vorbild, aber Vorsicht, das ist nichtesoterisch, sondern wir nutzen dieses, was es in vielen Traditionen gegeben hat,auch in Europa, im Kreis zu sitzen und zu palavern, sage ich mal. […] Das machenwir in der Natur […] Und da ist mir, ich will jetzt nicht sagen, Gott begegnet. Alsodieses Wort, das wird so vielschichtig benutzt, aber ich habe für mich die Lösunggefunden und sage: Es ist Liebe. Und zwar eine Liebe, die nicht anbindet. Ich sagejetzt nicht, wenn du das und das tust, dann liebe ich dich aber mehr. Sondern,die Großartigkeit der Natur. Dann habe ich auf einer spanischen Insel auch sogesessen, 800 Meter über demMeer. Und wenn Sie Tag und Nacht da sitzen, dannist das heilig. […] Also mit Worten kann ich das nicht beschreiben. Das sind allesEingrenzungen und das finde ich – und bei dem Wort würde ich gerne bleiben –das ist heilig. Und das habe ich mit nach Hause genommen vor zwei Jahren unddas ist immer in mir. Und so lebe ich jetzt mein Leben. […] Ich habe sowohl dieseGewissheit und so eine Demut, dass diese Welt oder dieses alles, sehr viel größerist als ich.Und gleichwohl wächst so eine Form von Vertrauen, kann ich sagen, dass316 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesalles richtig so ist. Das hat nichts damit zu tun, dass ich nicht einen klaren Blickhabe, was alles nicht läuft hier, egal wo, und doch ist es ein anderes, ein tieferesAngebundensein.36 Lebe den Tag… Jetzt sitze ich hier mit Ihnen und telefoniere. Zwischendurch spieleichmal ander PC-Maus rumoder…unddas ist heilig,dasHier und Jetzt ist fürmichdas,was zählt.Was gestern war, ist vorbei, kommt nie wieder.UndwasMorgen ist,das wissen wir nicht. […] Also, ich habe da nicht ein Gefühl, ich müsste irgendwasnoch unbedingt machen oder unbedingt nachholen. Das ist eine Frage des Altersund das ist eine Frage der Zufriedenheit. […] Alles andere ist für mich nicht vonRelevanz. Ich weiß, dass es das alles gibt, aber für mich ist das nicht wichtig.11. Synopsis and OutlookThecase studies presented above show that the approach in focusing on content andnar-rative particularities and then triangulating these findings with results from the struc-tural analysis and selected survey data is useful to portray the single cases in a multi-faceted way.The longitudinal perspective could be laid out when comparing the data as-sembled for each timepoint.The single trajectory of each casemay allow for comparisonsbetweencases inorder tofindcharacteristics thatmayapply tomore thanonecaseaswellas to determinewhich parts of a person’s trajectorymay be idiosyncratic and not compa-rable to others at the point of this research. Further research may still find similarities.As a first step at comparing inter-individually and as an answer tomy research questionasking “How does the look on the other spouse change over time? How does the “same story” differdepending on who is telling it (and when)?,” the men and women of each couple were ana-lyzed regarding their stance toward each other and the role that religion might play inthis in the frame of the respective case studies. That way, the dynamics of the relation-ships could be approached in a fruitful way, which is one of mymain research interests.As has been indicated at some points in the case study chapters, the cases offer the pos-sibility to explore further lines of comparison and therefore also the chance to answermy research questions with regard to all of the case studies. The following sections willexplore these lines and, additionally, find answers to the research questions on an inter-individual basis.11.1 Talking about One’s Life and about RelationshipsAs a first approximation, I would like to address the observation that the participantsdiffer regarding the amount of personal information they are willing to share. Some arevery talkative and willingly and extensively talk about their life, their relationships, etc.Others require more encouragement and prefer to leave out certain topics completely.Nadine presents as taciturn when asked to report on her life and on important people.It seems like she is trying to avoid the questions, and one does not learn much abouther past.When the questions allow for more abstract answers, she gets more elaborate.Moreover, she openly talks about her spiritual experiences and the circumstances that318 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesled to her having them.Being of a similar age, Bianca reports onwhat itmeans for her toraise children but does not go into detail regarding her relationship with her husband.Neither of them talks about their education and their professions. This is different forGudrun and Renate who both spend time reminiscing on their work life. This is an in-teresting observation since it might have been expected that the younger women, whoare part of the Generation Y (and therefore expected to attach value to having a goodjob and a professional career; cf. Hurrelmann & Albrecht, 2014) and presumably well-educated, would put more focus on their professional life as identity-constituting. Re-nate andGudrun,who grew up during and afterWWII andwho experienced a society inwhich a woman in the (paid) working world was the exception, seem to find some pridein the fact that they had jobs which they actually liked and in which they were successfuland appreciated. Therefore, their work biographies might constitute a deviation fromthe cultural life script of their time and accordingly might be worth telling (cf. Bruner,1990). Interesting as well is a look at gender differences: while it has been suggested thatwomen’s narrations aremore elaborate andmore emotional (Fivush&Zaman,2015), thiscannot be confirmed for the three men that were analyzed here. Jannis talks about hisreconversion experience in a very emotional and experience-oriented fashion, while hiswife sounds more analytical. And while Richard’s mode of narrating may be classifiedas rather prosaic,Werner’s accounts contain emotional valuation and some vivid narra-tives. In general, the level of abstraction and of analytical reasoning seems to grow withage, which is often combined with a growing empathy and consideration of other opin-ions.This may suggest the presence of wisdom (sensu Erikson, 1998, 1959), even thoughthis has not been thoroughly investigated inmy analyses. Carola is an exceptionwith herform of argumentation and wisdom-related content seeming to decline over the years(even though she names good and important relationships and shows great interest inthe welfare of her grandchildren) and is replaced by a distrustful demeanor focusing onthe potentially dangerous sides of society.For all three couples, it can be stated that the women talk more about their children(and grandchildren) than the men do, even though this is not entirely consistent on agendered basis. Renate is brief in mentioning her children, and Gudrun likewise doesnot talkmuch about her daughter and her grandchildren.However, Gudrun’s pregnancyis important to her story since it marks a turning point in their JWmembership. Bianca,Carola, and Marion openly discuss the relationships with their children and emphasizethe importance of caring for them.There is hardly anymentioning of the children in thefathers’ interviews. More diverse is the way the respective partner is discussed. WhileRichard hardly mentions his wife and children at all, Werner’s account for Gudrun hasan ambiguous role as being both an antagonist (when she argues against his efforts toleave the sect, for example) and a role model (especially in the last interview when he re-luctantly admits to being jealous of his wife and her multiple social contacts while he israther lonely).For Jannis,hiswife is of great importance inhis accounts since she appearsat the same time as his reconversion experience. Bianca, on the other hand, hardly talksabout her husband.Marion andNadine both share little to no information about roman-tic relationships, while for Carola, the relationship with her ex-husband and her partnerare prominent and occupy considerable space in the interviews. Summed up, the impor-11. Synopsis and Outlook 319tance of relationships seems to differ within the cases studied here, but neither gendernor age seem to stand out as potential explanation for this.As another note concerning relationships, there are some interesting observationsregarding the participants’ parents. First, onemay note a similarity between Renate andCarola who both lost their fathers at a young age (and both talk about them in an affec-tionate way) and felt compelled to take care of theirmothers in the years after. Both statethat itwas difficult to be responsible for theirmotherswhen it should have been the otherway around (evenmore for Renate,whowas still a child when her father died).These cir-cumstancesmay be interpreted as having had a negative impact on themother-daughterrelationships for many years. Yet, Renate at some points is able to forgive and to cometo a “good conclusion” before her mother’s death. Conversely, Carola remains irreconcil-able evenafter themother is deadandconsciouslydecides against bringing flowers to thegrave. Relating this finding to the two women’s overall accounts, it may be hypothesizedthat Renate is situated in secure circumstanceswith stable relationshipswhich allow herto adopt a more forgiving stance toward the mother who may have done her injustice.Carola’s situation seemsmore unstable overall, as she reports an unpleasant divorce andlater the death of her beloved partner.Moreover, she seems to feel threatened by the out-sideworld and subsequently seems less able to forgive or show empathy.The role attach-ment may play in people’s religiosity and especially their image of god was not exploredhere in detail, but it seems plausible to assume that what Granqvist (2020) has called thecorrespondence pathway can be found in Renate: “[…] via generalized working models ofself and others, securely attached religious individuals often represent God as a corre-spondingly sensitive (i.e., reliably security-maintaining) attachment figure” (p. 123). ForCarola,an insecure,dismissive formofattachment shehasnurturedgrowingupwithhermother is finding its sequel in her ambivalent relationshipwithGod.Another interestingparallel in the case studies is that both Marion and Richard took care of an elderly par-ent until their death. In Richard’s case, he could adopt a professional stance toward hisfather who lived his last years in the nursery home which Richard was head of. Richardreports that by having his father close and being able to care for him, he could redefinethe image he had of the father and reconciliate their relationship, which had been diffi-cult before.Thismight be interpreted as an interplay of his profession and his religiosity.Marion talks in a similar manner about the relationship she had with her mother, alsofinding that by caring for her when she got old, she could forgive some of the injusticesshe remembers fromher childhood.Comparing these two stories, it seems thatMarion’soverall approach is more self-determined, while for Richard, there may have been someamount of felt obligation, since it may have seemed obvious to have his father move inRichard’s nursery home. In both cases, the late reconciliation is motivated by a changeof perspective and a change of hierarchy with Marion and Richard now being in chargeand the respective parent being in a dependent situation.Lastly, looking specifically again at the research question “How does the look on theother spouse change over time? How does the “same story” differ depending on who is telling it(and when)?”: The case studies have brought to light the different ways the spouses talkabout each other and the subtle differences that can be found in their accounts of ajoint life. The most obvious changes could be observed when looking at Gudrun andWerner. Gudrun consistently describes Werner as the one who makes the important320 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdecisions. Accordingly, when she talks about their life, it is alwaysWerner who leads theway, whether out of religious groups or into amore private book study. All the same, herportrayal of Werner changes, and she becomes more open in her critique toward herhusbandwhile displayingmore understanding for the roots of his behavior.Werner doesnot conceal the fact that he is the decider in their marriage, at least not in his first twointerviews. In the third interview, he talks more favorably of his wife and even portraysthe exit process from the JW as a joint one.The other couples are less open regarding thediscussion of their partner. As has been lined out in chapter 7, Renate emphasizes thegood fortune she had when meeting Richard, even though this meant she did not evenstart her vocational training. In her interviews, the fact that she was able work as thehead of the nursery home together with her husband is always highlighted. This maybe a compromise she committed to and which she is content with. Richard does notmention this, even though he likes to talk about his work in general and seems to seeit as important and identity-constituting. But Renate’s presence and contribution aretaken for granted (which may be seen as a silent appreciation, and is probably in linewith the traditional religious values Richard grew up with), and she is not prominent inhis accounts. Other than this point, the way they talk about their life seems harmoniousand not subject to much change. For Bianca and Jannis, it was lined out that Jannis talksmore about his wife than the opposite. This seems to be due to the fact that meetinghis wife and finding his faith happened basically at the same time, which stresses theimportance of the relationship for Jannis in the context of his newfound religiosity.Accordingly, his wife (and her family) are mentioned as important relations when hetalks about living his faith. Bianca is putting focus on being a couple while having smallchildren in a more abstract manner. And while building a new house and the stress thatgoes alongwith that is discussed in her second interview, this does not play a role in Jan-nis’s interviews. It seems as if there is not a “same story” in these individual revelationswith the emphases being different throughout all of their interviews.However, both givethe impression of a happy, harmonious marriage.11.2 Discussing (Non-)ReligiosityTaking a closer look at the topic of religiosity, a case inwhich age does seem to play a roleis the different way this religiosity is displayed in Renate and Bianca. Both women havehad a religious socialization and do not report any greater disturbances in their faith.While Renate shows a calm, intrinsic religiosity, Bianca seems to bemore “in discussion”with her environment, both in the form of being challenged (by peers) and in the formof challenging herself (by formulating explicit social criticism toward a secular societythat she deems lackingmoral values).The case study has shown that being religious wasthe norm rather than the exception in Renate’s surroundings, since she has spent herlife within the realms of the Protestant church, so she presumably did not meet muchcriticism coming from the outside. Bianca was an adolescent in the 1990’s and obviouslyexperienced a lot of skepticism toward her religiosity within her closer environment aswell as the wider society being more secular, which leads to her having a more criticalview on her surroundings. Taking Gudrun into the comparison as well, one can see she11. Synopsis and Outlook 321is ten years older than Renate and holds a faith that can be described as deep and unfal-tering, which aligns with both Renate and Bianca. It is interesting to note that Gudruntalks about a book study which grants her new access to her faith on a more scientificbasis. Renatementions something potentially similar without going into asmuch detailas Gudrun.As onemay see in the case study,Gudrun has gone through a couple of differ-ent religious groups in her lifetime, whereas Renate has stayed within the realms of her(pious) Protestant faith.While this book studymay just be a logical extension of her faithor something that can easily be integrated for Renate, for Gudrun, this seems like a newstep within her faith biography. Unlike Renate (but similar to Bianca), Gudrun alwayshad to justify her beliefs and her denomination toward the greater society, since neitherJWnor theCharismatic group she attendedbelong to the accommodating groups inGer-many (see Streib et al. (2009) for a characterization of accommodating (integrated) andcontestant groups), but also in opposition to her husbandwho she was in heated discus-sionswith regarding their exit from theWitnesses. Both of these circumstances (and herbackground as a JWwho of course promote reading the Bible) may have led to the desireto put her faith on solid ground, something she does together with her husband. Thatbeing said, an interesting observation is that two of the non-religious women (Nadineand Marion) claim to have read the Bible from the beginning to the end in their adoles-cence. This could be a sign that also non-belief seems to come with the need for justi-fication, at least as part of the quest they went through. Both Nadine and Marion haveengaged withmultiple different religions, yet have concluded that none of them providesufficient answers. It is interesting to observe the way the three non-religious womenreport on their contact with organized religion in their childhood/adolescence. Nadinetalks about a Catholic grandmother and a Catholic kindergarten, yet states that neitherhad any significant influence.Marion andCarola both talk about confirmation class, andwhile Marion enjoyed them because of the chance to have an interesting and interestedvis-à-viswith the pastor, for Carola, her accounts on this time serve the purpose in show-ing how shewas humiliated andwas driven away from the church as an institution.Evendecades after these experiences and the traumatic experience of her partner dying, sheholds an anger against both the church and God.One aim of this study was to strengthen the models of religious styles and types,thereby getting a clearer picture of “how subjective religiosity changes over time.” As Table 35shows, the cases analyzed showavarietyofpossiblemoving trajectorieswhile also reveal-ing that nearly half of the cases do notmove at all, at least when looking at the types only.Trajectories for religious types have been described in Keller, Bullik et al. (2022) already,albeit for two timepoints only,with theadditionof a columnthatnames thedeconversionnarrative that was found to bemost applicable for the longitudinal perspective unfoldedin the book summed up by that chapter. Accordingly, the below table will also accountfor the leitmotifs that were found in the case studies and which will be discussed in acomparative perspective in the next section.322 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesTable 35: Religious Types, Moving Trajectories, and Leitmotifsreligious types (perwave)movement(time 1—time 2; time2—time 3)leitmotif(s)Bianca constantly type 2 stayer “Negotiating Catholic faith within asecular society”Jannis constantly type 2 stayer “Negotiating Catholic faith within asecular society”; “Becoming faithfulagain”Nadine type 3; type 2; type 3 mover downward;mover upward“Searching for authenticity and aspirituality without a faith”Renate constantly type 2 stayer “Unfaltering trust in a leading God”Richard type 2; type 2; type 3 stayer;mover upward “Christian charity as away of life”Carola constantly type 2 stayer “Abandonment and self-perceivedgrowth”Gudrun type 1; type 2; type 2 mover upward; stayer “God as a pillar of strength”Werner type 2; type 2; type 3 stayer;mover upward “Seeking personal enlightenment”Marion type 4; type 3; type 3 mover downward;stayer“Prepare yourself to die and thenlive in the present”And even though one seesmany of the cases classified as “stayers”here, the case stud-ies and the extensive content andnarrative analyses have shown that there is changehap-pening, even though this does not lead to a different religious type in all cases. Biancahas been described as a devout and strict Catholic, yet while raising her children withinthis faith tradition, she necessarily engageswith the outside,more secularworld and hasto adapt expectations and deal with controversies.The assessment of her religiosity hasshown that her dogmatic approach is permeated by some more pragmatic considera-tions and more room for the “other” at time 3, albeit without much movement toward axenosophic stance. Carola’s trajectory has been described as becomingmore radical andjudgmental, which does not show in her type assignment. Instead, a constant orienta-tion toward an in-group and toward conventional, sometimes dogmatic approaches canbe found in this constant type 2 (predominantly conventional). A look at her style-aspectmaps reveals that the ratio of style 4 assignments (individuative-systemic) declines overthe three timepoints which is in accordance with the finding from the content analysis.The type assignment can showmovement even when the psychometrics show none.Richardhas proven to be a good example of a personwho remainswithin a faith traditionhis whole life (and who never had any serious doubts) yet still evolves within this tradi-tion, having achieved a more abstract understanding of religion while becoming morepragmatic or “down-to-earth.” In his last interview, he shows some signs of a develop-ment toward xenosophia. A similar trajectory could be traced for Gudrun and Werner(albeit from different starting points, i.e. different types), who identified as Protestantthroughout allwaves andboth showadevelopment regarding their ownreligiosity.WhileGudrun moves from a mythic-literal understanding to a conventional one in the model11. Synopsis and Outlook 323of the types, the content analysis has shown that she has also becomemore independentregarding her beliefs. In his later interviews and survey dataWerner adopts a formof re-ligiosity that also takes into account society and is thereforemore systemic and abstract.As for the non-religious cases,Nadine can serve as an example for development in youngin middle adulthood. Constantly not stating any religious affiliation, Nadine makes anupward movement in her third interview while moving downward between times 1 and2.This reflects the increased ability for more abstract thinking and a movement towarda xenosophic mindset. Lastly, Marion’s characterization as “mover downward” betweentimes 1 and 2 can be justified with the assumption laid out in the content analysis thatdespite her openness, there are inner boundaries that she does not seem towant to crossandways of thinking she does not want to take into consideration. In her first interview,she seemed tohave surpassed someof thoseboundaries; however, inher later interviews,she seemsmore comfortablewith an individuative-reflective type 3 approachof clear-cutexplanation and a preference for her own viewpoint.As has been hinted at above, I could not find a specific difference in being religiousthat could be specifically attributed to gender. It seems obvious to assume that Gudrun’sand Renate’s life stories in general are typical for women of their generations. How-ever, this is not an observation that is limited to religiosity. The women analyzed here,both those who identify as religious and those who don’t, show a variety of differentapproaches to questions of meaning-making and religiosity or worldview (and so dothe men). Mostly, they become more self-confident over time in the way they portraytheir religiosity and seem to feel less need to defend their own stance toward the outsideworld (i.e., the secular society), Bianca and Carola being exceptions through seeminglywanting to protect their loved ones from the outside world.11.3 Comparing the Religious and Non-Religious WomenMy study design, respectively the case selection, was based on the idea to compare theway the couples talk differently about their beliefs and their jointly lived faith. In ad-dition, I have analyzed women of the same age group who identify as non-religious as amaximal contrast.The comparison above has taken into account this perspective of com-parison in someparts.However, this sectionwill summarizemeaningful differences andsimilarities in the women’s narrative identity and their developments.Nadine and Bianca were both in their early 20s when they were first interviewed.Both are rather reluctant to talk in detail about their lives, important relationships, ortheir professions. It is interesting to observe that they both have struggled with theirenvironment growing up, although in different ways: Bianca was challenged for beingopenly religious in a mainly secular environment. Nadine has reportedly often felt notbelonging to her peers, and she has read the Bible at a young age searching for her placein life, not finding it within the religious field. Both of them become lively when theytalk about their religious or spiritual experiences. The case studies have shown changein their interaction with the outside world, in Bianca’s case forced by her children anda friendship with a non-religious person. Nadine seemsmore self-driven in this regard,mostlymotivatedby curiosity.Accordingly, their development in termsof religious styles324 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesis different, and we see a movement upward toward a xenosophic religious style in thestructural analysis of Nadine’s interviews, while Bianca is classified as a stayer who re-mains within a conventional framework.Renate and Carola, being of similar age too, put a lot of emphasis on their impor-tant relationships. Renate talks a lot about Richard and how her personal as well as herprofessional life is tightly connected to his. She does not elaboratemuch on her childrenand grandchildren, which Carola, on the other hand, does. Carola also talks a lot abouther deceased life partner and her current partner, and she describes both of these rela-tionships in an affectionate and emotionally rich way. Both women have lost their fatherat a young age, and both of them had to take care of their widowedmothers afterwards.Here, an interesting difference can be seen. Carola’s account is focusing on the rejectionof hermother,while Renate finds amore forgiving stance over the years.This ismirroredin the leitmotifs that have been carved out for them inwhich the theme of abandonmentis very prominent in Carola but not in Renate. Both being stayers in the religious type 2(predominantly conventional), they broaden their horizon by reading bookswhich, how-ever,mainly serve to confirm their worldviews. Renate finds comfort and stability in herunfaltering trust in God, Carola is in dispute with a God she perceives as not helpful. Insum,Carola seemsmore unstable than Renate and one can find a lotmore confrontationand struggling in her interviews.Gudrun andMarion have chosen different paths for their lives.Marion has freed her-self from relationships she did not perceive as meaningful anymore (i.e. the two hus-bands she divorced), Gudrun is very loyal to her husband even though she elaborateson his flaws and the unhappy parts of her marriage. She even mentions moments inwhich she thought about “running away” which, for some reason, she never did. Thismakes Marion come across as more self-determined even though Gudrun also displaysan emancipatory moment when she continues to attend the prayer groups that her hus-band despises. Regarding their religious/spiritual journey, both women have joined andleft different groups.They both remain curious andwant to expand their knowledge.Butthe case studies were able to show that Gudrun always puts God in the center of her faithand seesHim as a “pillar of strength” as reflected in her leitmotif. It is less certain if thereis a constant like that in Marion’s life too, most likely this would be herself. In their lastinterviews,GudrunandMarionwere both classified as thepredominantly individuative-reflective type 3,althoughGudrunhasmadeamovementupwardwhileMarionoriginallystarted as type 4, emerging xenosophic.Summed up, there may be more differences than commonalities when looking atthese women’s biographies on the surface. However, some structures can be foundthat are similar in each of these case comparisons. The religious pathways offer a morestraightforward framework which does not mean (as seen in Gudrun’s case) that thesewill always suffice or be the right ones for awhole life.The non-religiouswomen strugglemore to find their place in life and to determine how tomake sense; yet they also see lessneed to emancipate themselves from relationships or dogmas that they grew up with.In that regard,my case selection has served the purpose to show the breadth of possibletrajectories even in this fairly small sample.11. Synopsis and Outlook 32511.4 Narrative Identity and Leitmotifs—Discussing the ResultsLast but not least, I turn to the questions circling around narrative identity:How does thenarrative identity change over time?How is a religious narrative identity created?Narrative iden-titywas found to bemostly stable, yet changing in important nuances.This is reflected bythe leitmotifs that were administered in each case study being in the title and/or in theconclusion and which are shown in Table 35. Starting with Bianca, her narrative iden-tity was outlined to be that of a devout Catholic who argues in favor of her beliefs withintellect rather than with emotion with her leitmotif being “Negotiating Catholic faithwithin a secular society.”This remains relatively stable over time.Her husband’s leitmo-tif is not that different, yet he has the additional, important,motif of “Becoming faithfulagain.” Both of them substantiate their standpoints by telling narratives that strengthentheir religious identity, which creates coherence and credibility by using autobiograph-ical arguments. Coming from a different perspective, Marion tells a narrative when anew experience serves to justify a self-perceived change in her religious/spiritual iden-tity at time 3.During a retreat, she had the revelation that there is something bigger thanherself, and this leads her to not call herself atheist anymore. Even though there is thischange or a widening of perspective, a leitmotif could be identified that remains con-stant throughout all her interviews: “Prepare yourself to die and then live in the present.”In her interviews, she creates the narrative identity of a person who is curious to seewhat happens after death, and despite this fascination, she is very focused on living herlife in the best way possible by having experienced that life often does not turn out asplanned.This fascinationwith death can also be found inNadine’s accounts, even thoughher approach is less experience-oriented and more analytical. The spiritual experiencesthat she reports often occur in relation to that topic (her own wish to die or the friendin a coma), and they are presented in the form of narratives, which is remarkable sinceNadine otherwise prefers a less vivid language.This underlines the importance of thesenarratives and serves to show that they are an important part of the narrative identityNadine wants to convey.While the term “pragmatic agnostic” was found to be fitting forher earlier interviews, the red thread that weaves through her interviews is the searchfor authenticity and the aspiration to live a life without a predefined label. Comparableto Marion and also engaged with the topic of death stands Carola. She, too, had to facediverse atrocities. Opposite toMarion, this has led her to adopt a black andwhite world-view.Carola perhaps aims at creating the narrative identity of a self-efficient personwhohas surfaced stronger out of all the injustices she was confrontedwith.However, the im-pression that I got when analyzing her interviews was different: Carola comes across asbitter, unforgiving and even slightly spiteful. She seems insecure and is still involved inold relationships with her mother and God, even though she portrays this as indepen-dence. Carola’s promoted leitmotif may be that of a growth that is the result of havingdealt with hardships, even though this growth is not perceptible in her accounts.Richard’s leitmotif is the (Protestant) Christian charity that has shaped his life withthe narrative identity that he displays being that of a faithful and altruistic person forwhom this charity is not just an empty phrase but an actually lived reality. However, inhis last interview, a notion is added of self-care being important, and going along withthat is a more differentiated take at moral questions.Werner is mainly striving for per-326 Leitmotifs in Life Storiessonal enlightenment, and when he takes society into perspective, it is mostly with theeducational ambition of teaching others right from wrong. Looking at their respectivewives, it is interesting to see that Renate and Gudrun, who are the eldest women of thecases portrayed here, show a significant shift in their narrative identity: both grantmoreimportance to their professional life and show a personality that appears to be more in-dependent from formalized formsof faith and, inGudrun’s case, fromher husband.Theyboth value community and find security in it, be it within the family or within a religiousgroup.Their trajectories can be described as late emancipatory movements. Having ar-rived at the last chapter of their lives, they bothmay be aware that they are able to shapethe way they will be remembered by their children and grandchildren, even though thisgenerative aspect is not formulated in their interviews. Both of their leitmotifs are ver-sions of “Relying on God,” and it seems that they can step out a bit andmodestly presenttheir own life achievements with this security.The cases under study present varieties of narrative identities in their interviewsand religious narrative identities, which is a facet that cannot be treated separately inthis context. By telling their life stories and by thinking about the interview questions,they create coherence by often linking personal background information to a current sit-uation or to moral standpoints. This linkage may use autobiographical reasoning as ameans to convey a picture of themselves, which represents a narrated self that is posi-tioned with regard to the person telling the story from today’s perspective. In general,what McAdams (2011) has found in his study could be reproduced here as well: life nar-ratives rose in complexity over time, and the topics the participants dealt with becamemore varied. As one has seen in Carola’s narratives dealing with her experiences dur-ing confirmation class, the content may change, but the overall emotional tone and the“message” that was meant to be conveyed remained similar. In other cases, a profoundchange in both content and emotional valuation could be traced such as Werner’s expe-riences with JW, which, however, is not mirrored in the leitmotif that was identified inhis interviews. Accordingly, narrative identity is still subject to dynamics that may hap-pen also in later life while being stable in its core. It could be established that there aresome events that are repeated each time which may contribute to the finding by Camiaand Habermas (2020) that especially older events were remembered and contribute tothe hypothesis that the self-concept and narrative identity is stabilized over time froma different methodological perspective. There are also narratives that draw attention inone interview and are notmentioned again in the next. In some cases, as in Carola’s nar-ratives from confirmation class, they are replaced with similar stories serving the samepurpose and conveying the samemessage or intention. Nadine’s story of her friend whowas in a coma is not taken up again at all in her third interview. It may be that this rela-tionship was very present for her at the time of the second interview but was not impor-tant at a later date. Another possibility is that her (unconscious) agenda for the interviewwas different at time 3.The way autobiographical reasoning is implied in the life storiesmay hint, asMcLean et al. (2020) have suggested, to the extent of howmuch anarrative isintegrated into the overall life story and the reference to one’s own biography indicatingan awareness of change and development. This may suggest the occasional ability andreflectiveness to also think about low points as integral parts of one’s life.11. Synopsis and Outlook 327What can be gathered from the analyses shown in the case studies? It has becomeclear that there are changes that happen in the course of a lifetimewhether these changesbe subtle or profound. A person that may appear constantly pious, like Renate, may stillfind a new form of being religious that is less oriented toward the teachings of theirchurch in the last phase of her life. They may find a form of faith that is more personal,and thismay lead to a formof tolerance as a consequence, as one has seen inGudrun.Shehas developed a stance toward the strange over the years—homosexuality being one ex-ample thatwas shown in the chapter—that ismilder and less judgmental.Gudrunwouldprobably not seek the encounterwith homosexual people as she prefers to staywithin herown, well-known group. Yet, she has come to an understanding that there may be othertruths thanher ownand that she, andher ownbeliefs, are not threatenedby the existenceof other formsof religionor otherways of life. Itwouldbe toobold to call this xenosophia,but this finding shows that tolerance can develop in later life. This constitutes a plausi-ble development to what has been termed “synthetic-conventional heresy” in her firstportrayal in the Deconversion study (cf. Streib et al., 2009, pp. 203ff). From another per-spective, Carola’s case demonstrates a reduction of tolerance and the appearance of anin-group/out-group thinking and an overall subtlemovement downward regarding reli-gious styles. Carola has shown the greatest gap between her narrated/reported self andher narrating self. In the surveys, she appears fairly tolerant and open, and she reportsto be an agreeable person who does not hold prejudices against foreigners and who hasgrownas aperson in the face of the adversities shewas confrontedwith inher interviews.However, the analyses in the chapter have shown that she makes use of right-wing pop-ulist language and topoi and that she is still struggling with conflicted relationships anddisappointments. As a hypothetical thought, how would she react when faced with theresults ofmy analyses?Would she outright reject them, since she does not see herself thisway?With the other cases, I am rather confident that they would overall approve of theirportrayals, but would they be surprised about developments that I found when lookingat their accounts from a longitudinal perspective?11.5 Recommendations for Future Research and Concluding RemarksThe topic of attachment has come up in several case studies but has not been the focusof my research questions. Attachment has already been shown to be of importance forthe development of xenosophia (cf. Streib et al., 2018), a secure attachment laying thefoundation for “the perception and experience of something strange or alien as some-thing to explore freely, promoting high chances of a productive—xenosophic—solution”(p. 15). This can tentatively be detected in the case studies of Renate and Richard andalso in Carola’s, which suggests that an attachment style that seems insecure may leadto a fearful and hostile attitude. There might also be some similarity in the attachmentto significant others and to God, as has been suggested by Granqvist (2020). Lookinginto this phenomenon in more depth and by applying a thorough qualitative analysisand considering quantitative data as well, more light may be shed on the question ofhow both radicalization happens and how development toward a truly tolerant attitudecan be achieved. This also points to the desideratum of researching the emergence and328 Leitmotifs in Life Storiesdevelopment of wisdom in the longitudinal data.This, too, has been pointed out in somecases but was not investigated thoroughly. However, this would be a meaningful contri-bution to fully understand the life cycle and might add valuable qualitative analyses tothe field of wisdom-related research.A question that could not satisfyingly be answered is whether results correspond to(reported) gender differences in the way religiosity is accounted for in the interviews,since the results portrayed here showed a picture with many variations. This can be ex-plained with the small sample size and also with the fact that the threemen under studydisplay a great variety of religiosity, with Werner being mostly intellectually curious,Richard rather pragmatic while being a firm Protestant, and Jannis focusing on his re-conversion experience and therefore the emotional and experiential dimension of reli-giosity which is not addressed by the other two.The religious women seem to doubt less,and their searching movements are not as fully elaborated as those of their husbands;yet, they show different facets of religiosity and how this can develop in adulthood.The women who were chosen for their non-religiosity are difficult to compare sincethey all chose different pathways. Two case studies in Streib and Hood (2024) focus ontrajectories of non-believers (Steppacher et al., 2024; Bullik et al., 2024), the latter com-paringNadinewithanatheist fromtheUSpart of theBielefeld/Chattanooga samplewithboth showing further variations of non-belief and ways of meaning-making and moralconsiderations that are not tied to any form of organized religion.This conclusion opensa line of research that gains momentum in a world that is more and more secularized.However, it is not advisable to look at the religious and non-religious in completely sepa-ratedways as this study has shown, since a comparison between those groupsmay revealinteresting parallels.Furthermore, the existing data calls for an implementation of a cross-cultural per-spective that was not considered here (but has been addressed in other publications ofthe Bielefeld/Chattanooga project; see Streib & Hood, 2024; Streib et al., 2021; Streib &Hood, 2016; see also Keller et al., 2018; Bullik et al., 2020), which is worth exploring fur-ther since it offers amultitude of options for comparison. It has been stated that the formof redemption stories is especially prevalent in the US-American society (Dunlop et al.,2016;McAdams, 2006) and investigating systematicallywhether there are cultural differ-ences in this respect seems like a path well worth exploring.This is also true for the dif-ferent ways of being religious or non-religious that occur in Germany and the USA sinceprevious research has shown meaningful differences already. A research design like theone applied here, especially with the focus on the different data on subjective religiosityas was shown in the case studies,might be helpful in identifying differences on differentlevels and might help to create a typology of possible religious and non-religious path-ways on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean.Overall, the broad and open approach applied here by combining different methodsfor answering my research questions has proven fruitful and inspiring. The case stud-ies have shown that there is merit in analyzing personal trajectories in a longitudinalperspective, and I was able to show similarities among the cases without neglecting in-dividual particularities.This could only be achieved with an approach that decidedly putthe individual into focus. Having the opportunity to analyze accounts of married cou-ples enabled me to gain insight into what role religion may play in a relationship. I was11. Synopsis and Outlook 329able to carve out that living their faith together was constituting for all couples and thatthey all report praying together (as a couple or with their children) and reading the Bibleand/or attending services and other community events together. So, even though thereare fundamental differences in the way they approach questions of faith in other parts(as is seen most prominently in the comparison of Gudrun and Werner, of course), thecommunal aspect and the fact that they share the same faith is of great importance forall three couples that were portrayed here.Applying a perspective that was inspired by different disciplines,merging linguistic,psychological, and sociological instruments has helped me portray the development ofnarrative identity and subjective religiosity over a meaningful period of the adult lifes-pan. 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In A.Pelinka (Ed.),Vorurteile: Ursprünge, Formen, Bedeutung.DeGruy-ter. https://doi.org/10.1515/9783110267198.287Appendix: BiNCCS (Bielefeld Narrative and ContentCoding Scheme)Content Code ListCategory Sub-category CodeCaring for parentsDeprivationDistancing fromparentsParents as ideologuesParents as victimsParents as perpetratorsIdealizingPositive descriptionUnderstandingParents/CaregiversRolemodels, orientationIntolerance towards the otherStereotypes, prejudice, (positive) racism,exoticismXenophobiaStrangers/OthersXenosophiaGenerativityNewdefinition/development of relationshipGivingmeaningSupport/friendshipUnfulfilledwish to have a childBZ: RELATIONSHIPSChildrenLoss of relationship346 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesShared religion/worldviewChanging relationshipsWish to have a partnerDependencyMarriage as dutyHarmonious relationshipConflict-ridden relationshipLoss of relationshipPartnerOpportunity to reflect, widen horizon,mirror-ingDeprivation/IsolationCommunity as inherent valueConflict-ridden relationshipOpportunity to reflect, widen horizon,mirror-ingSupport, consolation, stabilityRolemodel, idealShared values as basis (homogeneity)Bad influenceShared values as basis (homogeneity)BZ: RELATIONSHIPSSocial surroundingsBad influenceAppendix: BiNCCS (Bielefeld Narrative and Content Coding Scheme) 347Authority/respectAuthenticity/honesty/integrityFairness/reciprocityFairness/reciprocity_categorical imperative,golden ruleFairness/reciprocity_pluralism, debate, free-domof speechFairness/reciprocity_social fairnessSocial criticismHarm/careHarm/care_engagement for the poor andunderprivilegedHarm/care_Christian charityHarm/care_demanding toleranceIndividualismIn-group/loyaltyPurity/sanctitySocial CriticismPriority of religious rules compared to othermoral rulesFeminism/role of women in societyHumanismPluralism, debate, freedomof speechMORO: MORALORIENTATION(taken and adaptedfrom Graham et al.,2011)Religion as an epistemic problem348 Leitmotifs in Life StoriesDisaffiliationEmotional sufferingHope for support and healing, search formeaningIndividuationIntellectual doubtLoss of religious experienceMoral criticismMoral criticism_(emotional)manipulationMoral criticism_hypocrisyMoral criticism_hierarchy, suppressionPersonal enlightenmentMotifs for faithdevelopmentSearch for ritual and communityAccumulative hereticHeretical exitIntegrating exitContinuity, deepeningOppositional exitPrivatizing exitReligious switchingSecularizing exitWG: TRAJECTO-RIES OF FAITHDEVELOPMENTTrajectoriesSpiritual searchAppendix: BiNCCS (Bielefeld Narrative and Content Coding Scheme) 349Trust (in god)Directly experiencing transcendenceFaith experienceInner harmonyAll-connectednessBelief in JesusConcepts regarding deathEnergies (horizontal transcendence)Belief in undefined higher power (verticaltranscendence)Higher plan, intelligent designScientific reasoningSyncretism (vertical/horizontal transcen-dence)Image of god_leading godImage of god_judging godImage of god_benevolent godImage of god_god as fatherImageof godas dictatedby church anddogma(vertical transcendence)Image of god_being at oddswith godBeliefsImage of god_personal relationshipArtifacts and cult objectsContacting the transcendenceMaking daily life sacredSacred ritualsPractices of faithIntegrating faith in daily lifePractices of faith as community practicesPrivatized practice of faithReligious socializationRSW:RELIGIOUS,SPIRITUAL,WORDLVIEWIDENTITYSocial embeddednessSecularismDeconvertEducationLGBTIQ*MigrationReligious affiliationSinglemotherhoodTeenage pregnancyDEMO:DEMOGRAPHICDETAILS/DESCRIPTIVESReference to psychological disorder/treat-ment350 Leitmotifs in Life Stories(Pragmatic) agnosticMindfulness, taking care of oneselfAutonomyWell-readProfessional life, jobCaring, altruisticSerenity, self-satisfactionPeople person, sociableFaithful, devoutCapable, successfulOpenVictim, traumatizedPosttraumatic growthBeing shaped by upbringingRebellious, nonconformistKnow oneself, reflectiveReligiously unmusicalSearch for identitySuperiority of ones one religious, spiritualideasDealingwith aging and deathAtheistCreativeHedonism and indulgenceInsecurity, fearfulHumilityIntrovertNerdSIS: IMAGE OFSELF, IDENTITY,PRESENTATIONOFSELFPolitical, socially aware, criticalAppendix: BiNCCS (Bielefeld Narrative and Content Coding Scheme) 351Narrative Code ListBiographical backgroundDevelopment statusFormative experienceGeneralized insightsLessons learnedAutobiographi-cal Arguments(taken fromHaber-mas and Köber, 2015)Turning pointsContamination storyCAMOCO:CAUSAL-MOTIVATIONALCOHERENCERedemption storyChronologyEpisodic narratingMeta communicationTYPEOFTEXTNarrativeOrientation towards culturalmodelsTHECO: THEMATICCOHERENCE(taken and adapted fromBluck and Habermas, 2000;Habermas, 2011)Stability-maintaining self-event connec-tions |
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