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Background - This study aimed to understand how atheists manage to make meaning and find growth after experiencing trauma. Posttraumatic Growth is a well documented point of research across qualitative and quantitative domains, and this project aimed to add meaningful findings to that research body. Atheists, however, are an understudied population, especially as it relates to their subjective experience of trauma and posttraumatic growth.
Methods - This study aimed to investigate the experience of posttraumatic growth for atheist individuals. Semi-structured interviews adhering to the tenets of interpretive phenomenological analysis were conducted then transcribed, coded, and analyzed. Themes and subthemes emerged and were analyzed.
Results – Several themes that map onto posttraumatic growth theory, in addition to themes outside of the five existing categories of posttraumatic growth were identified. The twelve themes identified are as follows: religious deconversion, PTG: existential change, meaning of life, intellectual haven, separation of church and state as a value, traumatic stress, survival, denial, PTG: personal strength, PTG: new possibilities, community, negative attitudes and perceptions of atheists, PTG: changes in relating to others, and advice for other atheist trauma survivors.
Conclusions – The atheist survivors have constructed immense meaning and purpose despite their lack of belief in a God or Gods. All survivors have struggled to find community at some point or another, but all pointed to having found community eventually. Evidence-based mental health guidelines aimed at identifying growth associated with the struggle of learning to survive after trauma has been discussed

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The University of San Francisco USF Scholarship: a digital repository @ Gleeson Library | Geschke Center Doctoral Dissertations All Theses, Dissertations, Capstones and Projects Summer 8-15-2024 THE EXPERIENCE OF POSTTRAUMATIC GROWTH FOR ATHEISTS Savannah Miller University of San Francisco, smiller17@usfca.edu Follow this and additional works at: https://repository.usfca.edu/diss  Part of the Clinical Psychology Commons, and the Theory and Philosophy Commons Recommended Citation Miller, S. (2024). THE EXPERIENCE OF POSTTRAUMATIC GROWTH FOR ATHEISTS. Retrieved from https://repository.usfca.edu/diss/702 This Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by the All Theses, Dissertations, Capstones and Projects at USF Scholarship: a digital repository @ Gleeson Library | Geschke Center. It has been accepted for inclusion in Doctoral Dissertations by an authorized administrator of USF Scholarship: a digital repository @ Gleeson Library | Geschke Center. For more information, please contact repository@usfca.edu. Dissertation 1The University of San FranciscoTHE EXPERIENCE OF POSTTRAUMATIC GROWTH FOR ATHEISTSA Clinical Dissertation Presented toThe University of San FranciscoSchool of Nursing and Health ProfessionsDepartment of Clinical PsychologyPsyD Program in Clinical PsychologyIn Partial Fulfillmentof the Requirements for the DegreeDoctor of PsychologyBySavannah MillerUniversity of San FranciscoApril 24, 2024Dissertation 2AbstractBackground - This study aimed to understand how atheists manage to make meaning and findgrowth after experiencing trauma. Posttraumatic Growth is a well documented point of researchacross qualitative and quantitative domains, and this project aimed to add meaningful findings tothat research body. Atheists, however, are an understudied population, especially as it relates totheir subjective experience of trauma and posttraumatic growth.Methods - This study aimed to investigate the experience of posttraumatic growth for atheistindividuals. Semi-structured interviews adhering to the tenets of interpretive phenomenologicalanalysis were conducted then transcribed, coded, and analyzed. Themes and subthemes emergedand were analyzed.Results – Several themes that map onto posttraumatic growth theory, in addition to themesoutside of the five existing categories of posttraumatic growth were identified. The twelvethemes identified are as follows: religious deconversion, PTG: existential change, meaning oflife, intellectual haven, separation of church and state as a value, traumatic stress, survival,denial, PTG: personal strength, PTG: new possibilities, community, negative attitudes andperceptions of atheists, PTG: changes in relating to others, and advice for other atheist traumasurvivors.Conclusions – The atheist survivors have constructed immense meaning and purpose despitetheir lack of belief in a God or Gods. All survivors have struggled to find community at somepoint or another, but all pointed to having found community eventually. Evidence-based mentalhealth guidelines aimed at identifying growth associated with the struggle of learning to surviveafter trauma has been discussed.Keywords: posttraumatic growth, trauma, atheism, religion, interpretive phenomenologicalanalysisDissertation 3SignaturesThis dissertation, written under the direction of the candidate’s dissertation committee andapproved by the members of the committee, has been presented to and accepted by the faculty ofthe PsyD Program in Clinical Psychology in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degreeof Doctor of Psychology. The content and research methodologies presented in this workrepresent the work of the candidate alone.Savannah Miller, PrincipleInvestigatorDate: April 24, 2024Dr. Ferm, Chair Date: 5/2/24Dr. Cameron, CommitteeMemberDate: 5/2/24Dr. Rosenberg, CommitteeMemberDate: 5/2/24Dr. Coble-Temple, PsyDProgram DirectorDate: 5/2/24Dissertation 4DedicationTo all survivors who have bravely fought in the aftermath of trauma’s unbearable pain, and to allthe people who never left my side as I did the same.Dissertation 5AcknowledgementsTo Dr. Ferm who so graciously chaired this dissertation. Thank you for your intellectualcontributions, and guidance. Most importantly, thank you for giving me language to understandmy suffering.To Dr. Natasha Molony, who served as a committee member, and who I admire deeply. Thankyou for seeing me. Thank you for showing me that I am not too broken to do this work and thenleading me to believe that I can do this work because of where I have broken. If I grow up to behalf of the human, clinician, and mother you are, I have done my life's work.To Dr. Katy Rosenberg, very rarely do I find people as free-spirited as I. Thank you for mirroringmy refusal to adhere to the status quo.To the brave participants who chose to share their journey of becoming with me. Your wisdomwill contribute to an ever growing body of meaningful literature. Your story means something.Your story is going to be the one that helps another survivor keep fighting through theirs.To my extended family, namely Aunt Tina, Uncle Scott, Aunt Robin, who prioritized giving mean education. I am living my dream because of you. You gave me a ticket to the land of milk andhoney, and the future is as painstakingly beautiful as it was in my wildest dreams as a child.To Dr. Cori Bussolari, who added the concept of posttraumatic growth to my repertoire ofexistence. You once told me “If you feel safe it is because you are imagining you are safe”coupled with “I think you need to reevaluate what is your story, and what is theirs.” Two truthsthat set me free from the sins of other people. Through you, I gained the skills to become aperson capable of doing this work.To Emily Mitsuoka for showing me what it feels like to be loved unconditionally through thedepths of despair. I searched my whole life for this love, and one day, I looked around me andrealized it had been sitting right in front of me waiting for the day I would be able to see it.To all of my clients with whom I have had the pleasure of seeing. I carry you all with mewherever I go, and when life is hard, I remember and draw from your strength. Through you, Ihave been able to place trauma in a broader life perspective while making meaning of mine.Dissertation 6TABLE OF CONTENTSPageAbstract…………………………………………………………………………………………...2Signatures…………………………………………………………………………………………3Dedication…………………………………………………………………………………...……4Acknowledgments…………………………………………………………………………...……5List of Abbreviations……………………...………………………………………………...…...10Chapter I Introduction…………………………………………………………………………....11Identification of Problem……………………………………………………………….…...11Atheists as a Marginalized Group……………………………………………...………...11Incidence and Negative Impacts of Trauma……………………………………………..13The Phenomenon of Posttraumatic Growth……………………………………………..15Posttraumatic Growth in the Religious…………………………...……………………...15Posttraumatic Growth in Atheists……………...………………………………………...16The Uniqueness of the American Atheist Experience…………………………………...17Purpose of the Study………………………………………………………………………...18Gaps Analysis……………………………………………...………………………………..18Clinical Significance and Proposed Impact……………………….………………………...19Research Questions…………………………………….……………………………………20Aim & Objective…………………………….………………………………………….…...20Aim………………………………………………………………………………………20Objective…………………………………………………………………………………20Dissertation 7Chapter II Literature Review………………………………………………………………..21Posttraumatic Growth……………………………………………………………………21Brief History of Atheism in Psychology…………………………………………………22Atheists: An Underserved Population……………………………………………22The Rise of Religion/Spirituality in Psychological Research……………………23Atheists as a Minority……………………………………………………………24Atheism and Minority Stress Theory…………………………………………….25Atheist Posttraumatic Growth as a Meaning Making Process…………………...………27Types of Meaning…………………………………………………...…………...28Cognitive Engagement………………………………………………………...…………31Role of Formalized Religion in Posttraumatic Growth………………………………….34Resilience, Posttraumatic Growth, and PTSD……………………………………..…….36Chapter III Methods…………………………………………………………………………42Rationale for Qualitative Research Analysis…………………………………….………42Rationale for Use of Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis………………………….43Un/Trustworthiness and Reflexivity Statement…………………………………………45Context for Data Collection……………………………………………………….…….48Participant Inclusion and Exclusion Criteria…………………………………..………..48Recruitment Procedures…………………………………………………………………50Data Collection Procedures………………………………………………….………..…50Data Analysis……………………………………………………………………………51Chapter IV Results..…………………………………………………………………………56Religious Deconversion………………………………………………………….………56Dissertation 8PTG: Existential Change…………………………………………………………………58Meaning of Life……………………………………………………………….…59Intellectual Haven………………….………………………………………………….…61Separation of Church & State as a Value………………………………………….……..62Traumatic Stress……………………………….…………………………………………63Survival…………………..………………………………………………………65Denial……………………………….……………………………………………………65PTG: Personal Strength…………………………………..………………………………66PTG: New Possibilities……………..……………………………………………………66Community………………………………………………………………………………67Negative Attitudes and Perceptions of Atheists…………….……………………………69PTG: Changes in Relating to Others………………………………..……………………70Advice for Other Atheist Trauma Survivors………..……………………………………71Chapter V Discussion…………………………………………………….…...…………………73Posttraumatic Growth in Clinical Practice…………………………………….…………78Clinical Implications & Treatment Recommendations…………………………..79Cultivating Community Engagement………………………….………………...82General Guidelines for PTG in All Populations…………………………………82Limitations……………………………………………….………………………………86Recommendations for Future Research……………………………….…………………87Conclusion…………………………………………………….…………………………87References……………………………………………………………………………………….90Appendices……………………………………………………………………………………...105Dissertation 9Appendix A: Informed Consent…………………………………….................................105Appendix B: Posttraumatic Growth Inventory- Expanded (PTGI-X)................................107Appendix C: Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Checklist (PCL-5).........................................109Appendix D: Disclaiming Statement..................................................................................110Appendix E: Eligibility Survey...........................................................................................111Appendix F: Ineligibility Auto-Generated Response..........................................................113Appendix G: National Center for PTSD Resources............................................................114Appendix H: Interview Guide.............................................................................................115Appendix I: Data Analysis Tables......................................................................................118Dissertation 10List of AbbreviationsPTG: Posttraumatic GrowthR/S Literature: Religion/Spirituality literaturePTSD: Posttraumatic Stress DisorderIPA: Interpretive Phenomenological AnalysisDSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth EditionPTGI-X: Posttraumatic Growth Inventory- ExpandedPCL-5: Posttraumatic Stress Disorder ChecklistDissertation 11CHAPTER IIntroductionIdentification of ProblemThis study will qualitatively analyze the experiences of atheists who have experiencedposttraumatic growth. This study will be the first of its kind in the United States. The specificproblem that this study addresses is the lack of empirically researched therapies that can helpatheists achieve post-traumatic growth. At present, no culturally specific clinical guidelines existto help this marginalized population in the aftermath of trauma (Sawyer & Brewster, 2019). Inthe wake of this lack of knowledge, one researcher posed the question “Why are researchers notcurious about how those without a belief in God/gods handle such situations?” (Sawyer &Brewster, 2019). Religiosity has been a known contributor to both physical and mental health,and study after study shows that this population fairs better after trauma (Hayward et al., 2016).How then are atheists transcending when the odds are stacked against them?Atheists as a Marginalized GroupAtheists in American society belong to a marginalized group due to their minority status.Current estimates of atheism in the general population linger around 20%, with variance beingaccredited to both obscure operational definitions of atheism in addition to the presence of socialstigma that limits nonbelievers from being “out” (Brewster et al., 2020; Brewster et al., 2014).Definitions of atheism range from an active opposition to the existence of a God to a morepassive ambivalence towards God (agnosticism) (Bullivant, 2013; Zuckerman; 2007). For thepurposes of this research, atheism is operationally defined as a non-belief in a God or Gods.Survey data invariably finds that atheists are perceived as “more troubling” than othergroups of people, even groups that have historically been marginalized and oppressed, such asDissertation 12African Americans, people of Islamic and Jewish faiths, and lesbian, gay, and bisexualindividuals (Edgell, Gerteis, & Hartmann, 2006). Out of respect for the unique experiences andhistorical trauma of these populations, it is important to note that atheism is an invisible identityand thus atheists are able to “pass” in the general population. Other marginalized groups areoftentimes not able to do this, making their experience much different and uncomparable. Thisaforementioned survey data shows general beliefs about this population when people are posedquestions about it. With that said, the general population consistently asserts they are wary,fearful, and disgusted by atheists (Gervais, 2011; Gervais, Shariff, & Norenzayan, 2011). Theseattitudes are dangerous because they can lead to the oppression of atheists. In a 2006 Gallup Poll,it was found that 40% of individuals surveyed endorsed that “America is not ready for an atheistpresident” and nearly 50% of respondents agreed with the statement “I would disapprove if mychild wanted to marry an atheist.” These negative attitudes towards atheists have social,psychological, and cognitive consequences which have been mapped onto minority stress theory(Brewster et al., 2020).The literature is clear when it comes to theists regarding atheists as amoral and lessupstanding members of society (Brown-Iannuzzi et al., 2020). Atheists are one of the most hatedgroups in the U.S, although religious individuals, regardless of one’s religious affiliation, receivethe benefit of being stereotyped as trustworthy and moral (Hall et al., 2015). This mental imageof believers and non-believers may enforce group-based prejudice, negatively for atheists andpositively for theists (Brown-Iannuzzi et al., 2020). Atheists have reported vandalized property,threats of death, physical threats or assault, denied employment or educational opportunities, andhealthcare discrimination (Brewster et al., 2016).Dissertation 13Incidence and Negative Impacts of TraumaWith such a high incidence of trauma, studying trauma as it pertains to issues of socialjustice is important. A criterion A trauma is operationalized as exposure to actual or threateneddeath, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways: experiencing atraumatic event, witnessing a traumatic event in person, learning about a traumatic event, orexperiencing repeated or extreme exposure to details of a traumatic event (American PsychiatricAssociation, 2013). About 60% of men and about 50% of women will experience at least onetrauma in their lifetime (US Department of Veterans Affairs, 2022). Men are more likely toexperience accidents, physical assault, combat, disaster, or to witness death or injury, and womenare more likely to experience sexual assault and child sexual abuse (US Department of VeteransAffairs, 2022).The negative impact of trauma is well documented. Most that experience trauma willdevelop compensatory strategies to cope, but some go on to develop psychopathology, likeposttraumatic stress disorder (Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services, 2014).Emotional reactions to the trauma vary greatly (Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral HealthServices, 2014). Some folks will experience anger, fear, sadness, and shame, and still others willpresent as more emotionally numb (Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services, 2014).Trauma survivors often show some degree of difficulty regulating these emotions in the days,months, or years after the event, especially when the traumatic event happened as a child, asemotion regulation skills are interfered with (van der Kolk, Roth, Pelcovitz, & Mandel, 1993).These emotions can be so painful that people resort to self-medication using drugs or alcohol,self-injurious behaviors, disordered eating, compulsive behaviors such as gambling orDissertation 14overworking, and repression or outright denial of the emotions (van der Kolk, Roth, Pelcovitz, &Mandel, 1993).There is ample research that suggests that trauma is associated with a slew of chronichealth conditions including somatic complaints, sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal,cardiovascular, neurological, musculoskeletal, respiratory, and dermatological disorders,urological problems, and substance use disorders (Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral HealthServices, 2014). Neurological changes including changes in limbic system functioning,hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis activity changes, and neurotransmitter-related dysregulationof arousal (Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services, 2014). Cognitive changes aftertrauma include sweeping negative beliefs about the world and about people, misinterpretingbenign situations as dangerous, and experiencing intrusive thoughts or memories(Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services, 2014). Trauma can essentially disruptanything biological and psychological in the body, and these effects are serious and debilitatingfor many.Research on trauma demonstrates that those who do not experience the deleterious effectsof trauma, often do so in the context of social support from family, friends, or broadercommunity (Betancourt et al., 2013). Other protective factors include adaptive coping, optimism,trait resilience, self-efficacy, and secure attachment (Gordon-Hollingsworth et al., 2018; Green,Bronstein, & Solomon, 2018; Kornhaber et al., 2016; Fritz et al., 2018; Barazzone & McGowan,2019). Those who are not purveyed this favorable trajectory may indeed suffer from theaforementioned conditions, but this same population is also more prone to developing a host ofbeautiful changes not because of the trauma itself, but because of what they have learned in theDissertation 15struggle of coping with the trauma. This is what the field of psychology has named posttraumaticgrowth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996).The Phenomenon of Posttraumatic GrowthPosttraumatic growth (PTG) has been operationally defined as “Positive change that occursas a result of the struggle with highly challenging life crises” (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). Thisincludes changes in relating to others, new possibilities, personal strength, spiritual or existentialchange, and appreciation of life (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). Those who have undergone acriterion A trauma are susceptible to developing subthreshold or threshold posttraumatic stressdisorder (PTSD), but they can also develop posttraumatic growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996).Posttraumatic Growth in the ReligiousAbrahamic religions, which include Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, provide a guide tolife in that religious people are given commandments, parables, the word of God, disciples,pastors, deacons, and their religious circles to provide counsel after trauma. In practice,therapists can leverage off religious ideology with theistic clients (Post & Wade, 2009).Literature about how therapists can address religion and spirituality in practice is bustling due tothe larger discussion within the field of multicultural counseling and sensitivity (Post & Wade,2009). Post & Wade (2009) go as far as saying “The practical question for clinicians is no longerwhether to address the sacred in psychotherapy with religious and spiritual clients, but rather, thequestions are when and how…” One study found that 63% of clients indicated that it wasappropriate to discuss religious/spiritual concerns in therapy (Rose, Westefeld, & Ansley, 2001).In a study by Vasconcelos (2006), it was shown that people who regularly attend religiousservices had lower rates of heart disease, cancer, hypertension, dementia, and symptoms, such asdisability, depression, anxiety in the elderly, as well as mortality rates, than those who did notDissertation 16attend religious activities. Religion, in and of itself, is a powerful social determinant of health(Kawachi, 2019).There are many evidence-based treatments that recognize that religious folk haveidiosyncratic needs central to the therapeutic process. Such treatments include Religion-AdaptedCognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Islam-Integrated CBT, Solution-Focused Brief Therapyand Spirituality, Christian-CBT, Spiritual-CBT, Muslim-CBT, Jewish- CBT, and Taoist-CBT(Costa & Almeida, 2021; Sabki et al., 2019; Yakup, 2019; Bowland, 2012; Armento, 2012;Ebrahimi, 2013; Rosmarin, 2012; Zhang, 2002). These conclusions make it troubling to justifynot including people who identify as atheist in the “broader multicultural and social justicediscourse,” as has been done to date (Brewster et al., 2016). It is imperative for research tosupport the mental health and well-being of atheists in relation to larger goals of clinicalpsychology to address social justice and health disparity issues across underserved minoritycultures.Posttraumatic Growth in AtheistsBeing that a sweeping 80% of Americans identify as religious, how personal values and/orideologies affect how someone experiences trauma and then learns to live after those conditions,is an important area of study (Brewster et al., 2020). It has been shown that religious individualscan and do use these identities to transcend suffering and welcome positive changes consistentwith PTG (Currier et al., 2013). Now, there are many studies that show that religion can usher inpeak conditions to achieve this growth, namely in the form of social support and community(Currier et al., 2013). There is an “exceptionally large” research body that has linked religiousinvolvement with positive mental and physical health (Hayward et al., 2016). Since atheists haveno organized entity to turn to, they have been shown to be an at-risk population (Hayward et al.,Dissertation 172016). Hayward et al. (2016) showed that when compared to the religious or unaffiliated, atheistsand agnostics had worse positive psychological functioning characteristics, social supportrelationships, and health behaviors. If we know that atheists are a relatively isolated at-riskbunch, the question becomes how are atheists fairing when it comes to achieving PTG?The Uniqueness of the American Atheist ExperienceWhile there is evidence that atheists can in fact achieve some level of PTG, little isknown about how that happens (Brewster et al., 2020). Research consistently shows that theaspect of religion that helps people cope is social support and community (Cacioppo &Cacioppo, 2014). Because of atheist discrimination and increased risk of poor social support,which are both extensively researched risk factors especially in the traumatized, atheists may beat risk of being less likely to readily achieve growth after suffering (Hayward et al., 2016). Beingthat the United States is a primarily Christian nation, marginalized atheists are not afforded thesame luxuries that members of the dominant religious conglomerates are (Brewster et al., 2020).There is research on this topic that has shown that atheists do in fact have a unique experienceand trajectory of growth, but that research has come out of Western Europe (Woodward &Joseph, 2003). However, the cultural and political landscape there does not translate to theUnited States. Atheists, for one, are not a minority there. Western Europe is the world’s mostsecular region, making it so people there have a fundamentally different experience whencompared to the United States, especially when compared to highly religious areas such as theBible Belt in the American south (Pew Research Center, 2018). Because of these reasons, usingconclusions drawn about this population in Western Europe is not possible. Research in Americaon atheists and their experience of posttraumatic growth only becomes more relevant as timeunfolds. In an effort to provide culturally sensitive clinical and counseling guidelines for thisDissertation 18population, this phenomenon needs to be explored in this unique, and American, culturallandscape.Purpose of the StudyAtheists deserve more attention and recognition in the religion/spirituality (R/S) research.With the results of this study, participants’ will be able to contribute to the research body inhopes that clinicians and the broader atheist population can look to someone who has done theseemingly impossible.Gaps AnalysisMuch of the original research on posttraumatic growth did not disaggregate by religiousaffiliation or belief system. Yet, looking at growth through this lens is useful because religiousaffiliations and belief systems are often central to a person's core identity and lived experience(Hill, 2003). Posttraumatic growth has been studied extensively as it relates to ubiquitous themesfound across humanity (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). This research bridges several gaps in theliterature on PTG, however, how an American atheist endures a trauma and then arrives at PTGis unknown. While research supports that most people do find some level of growth aftersuffering without the guidance of a therapist, little is known about the lived and felt experienceof these atheist survivors in this country (Tedeschi et al., 2020). As has been described, theliterature is clear when it comes to one thing, and that is that atheists do not fare as well as thereligious across the board on both physical and mental health measures. Atheist statisticaloutliers have never qualitatively been asked how they have been able to achieve PTG.Additionally, there is very little common knowledge about atheism and about the subjective livedexperience of its counterparts. This provides a weak framework for both clinical and counselingpsychologists to help scaffold clients to achieve posttraumatic growth based on a given client’sDissertation 19existing ideological beliefs. Researchers have called upon the scientific community to studyatheism as it pertains to existing phenomena in the research body. During a content analysis from1965 to 2009, one researcher found that there were no articles relating atheism to mental health(Brewster et al., 2014). One researcher asserted that it is time to study this population “especiallyas it relates to the human condition, suffering, and concepts of personhood” (Whitley, 2010).This substantial paucity of research leaves clinicians and atheists alike in the dark. The currentliterature is so meager that this population and its clinical counterparts are operating underassumptions about how best to achieve PTG as opposed to doing so by guidance of evidencebased practices. Research on atheists in the United States has primarily focused on demographicand personality characteristics (Brewster et al., 2020). Qualitative data exploring this researchquestion, however, is non-existent. Being that atheists are a flourishing group in the US, researchneeds to speak to this as has been done for other minority populations.Clinical Significance & Proposed ImpactIt is important to give voice to this intersectional population that has yet to benefit fromresearch efforts examining information that gives credit to the nuanced nature of the humanexperience surrounding trauma, atheism, and PTG. Having a better understanding of thisoutlying phenomenon in the US will add more depth to the existing religion/spirituality (R/S)research that is currently largely centered around theistic religions. Studying atheists and theirexperience of PTG will also have significant clinical application, as clinicians will be able to usethe results of this study to guide treatment goals and interventions. Quantitative data can tell usinformation about who is atheist, how much PTG they have achieved, where they live, and whatrace they are, however narrow bandwidths of information give no data about the actualsubjective lived experience of trying to make sense of trauma in the absence of a belief in God inDissertation 20America. Through an interview process, participants can shed light into how exactly theyappraised the trauma, what happened in the days, weeks, months, and years after the trauma, andprovide more information about how they achieved each pillar of PTG all in an effort tocontribute to the existing R/S and social justice literature.Research Questions1. How do atheists who have experienced a criterion A trauma achieve posttraumaticgrowth?2. In what ways do atheist posttraumatic growth themes overlap with the fiveexisting themes of posttraumatic growth for non-atheistic populations?Aim & ObjectiveAimTo gain a more comprehensive understanding of the experience of posttraumatic growth foratheists in order to inform psychotherapy treatment for this populationObjectiveTo conduct qualitative interviews with atheists who have experienced a criterion A trauma.Dissertation 21CHAPTER IILiterature ReviewPosttraumatic GrowthThe original researchers of posttraumatic growth, Tedeschi & Calhoun (2020), focus on abroad definition of trauma, encompassing both the clinical criterion A definition in the DSM-5,the layman’s definition, which is typically defined as broader life stress, and their definition,which is specific to what they have seen in their research in the past some 30 years. Tedeschi etal. (2020) states “We believe it is not so much the event itself that defines trauma, but how itchanges one’s core beliefs; those ways of thinking about how we are and how others aresupposed to be and the ideas about how the world should work and what our lives are supposedto look like.” Essentially, how an event changes an individual constitutes whether that event istrauma, not the other way around.Tedeschi also gives credit to the nuance of trauma. Trauma may be different in differentcultures, may not be a single event, but a series of events over time, and it may change over time.Those in combat, for instance, often experience multiple isolated and ongoing traumas, which isalso seen for those who grew up in abusive homes. In their research on PTG, Tedeschi et al.(2020) uses the terms trauma, life difficulties and challenges, crisis, and stress interchangeably.In the literature, the phenomenon of positive change after trauma has been labeled as not onlyposttraumatic growth, but stress-related growth, thriving, perceived benefits, benefit finding,blessings, positive by-products, and positive adjustment (Shaw et al., 2005). Research suggeststhat at least a significant minority of individuals facing a wide array of traumas, including loss ofa home in a fire, divorce, the birth of a medically vulnerable child, sexual assault, bone marrowtransplantation, military combat and captivity, diagnosis of HIV, and others, report some aspectDissertation 22and level of personal growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1995). Some may believe that those who areable to achieve growth after suffering have some underlying predisposition toward resilience,however the literature suggests the opposite, meaning that those who are less resilient are moreprivy to growth because the trauma shatters their ability to bounce back after tragedy. Resilienceas it relates to PTG is talked about extensively in this literature review.Ultimately, PTG occurs as the result of emotional, relational, physical, spiritual, andexistential concomitants of life (Tedeschi et al., 2020). PTG occurs over the course of months,years, or even decades, and research tells us most who experience trauma also experience somedegree of PTG (Tedeschi et al., 2020). For this research study, the more specific and widelyaccepted and understood definition of trauma that is outlined in the Diagnostic and StatisticalManual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-5) will be used, otherwise known as a criterionA trauma (DSM-5, 2013).Brief History of Atheism in PsychologyIn order to better understand atheists and their PTG process, it is important to alsounderstand how atheists are positioned in American society. As a means to strengthen anunderstanding of atheists and posttraumatic growth, understanding the history of atheism inpsychology is paramount.Atheists: An Underserved PopulationIn general, atheists in America have been disregarded as a separate population worthy ofpsychological study and interventions. A meta-analysis of atheism in psychological science byBrewster et al. (2014) demonstrates that there is a deficiency of research surrounding atheism,thus making them an understudied and underserved population living within the margins ofDissertation 23American society. One reason for the field of psychology’s historical disregard of atheism isbecause of a complicated history with “issues of religiosity, spirituality, and atheism” (Brewsteret al., 2014). The field of counseling and clinical psychology was once ruled by naturalism,agnosticism, and humanism but gradually pivoted away from this (Bergin, 1980). The field ofpsychological science was ruled by secularism just like other sciences. Indeed many of theoriginal thinkers in psychology, like Albert Ellis and Karen Horney, were “outspoken atheisthumanists” who supported secularism and placed barriers between religiosity and psychologicalstudy and practice, as has been done by other sciences (Brewster et al., 2014). Ellis even went sofar as to characterize extreme religiosity, which is ruled by rigid, absolutist thinking and dogma,as “essentially emotional disturbance” (Ellis, 1980, p. 635).The Rise of Religion/Spirituality in Psychological ResearchResearchers like Bergin (1980) helped to dismantle the boundaries between religiosity andpsychology, which paved the way for psychologists to express interest in examining how religionand spirituality informed the human experience (Brewster et al., 2014). The notion that beliefsextending outside of the natural world were a vital piece of diversity and identity then made eventhe most staunchly vocal atheists quiet (Brewster et al., 2014). Essentially, once religiosity andspirituality were viewed as an intrinsically human construct, vocal atheist psychologists becamehush.Now, in 2022, there is ample research that suggests that religiosity is a protective factoragainst the formation of a myriad of mental and physical illnesses (Brewster et al., 2014). Thiscreates an implicit message that being atheist must be linked to poorer health outcomes(Brewster et al., 2014). However, this is an error in reasoning and this link has not been causallyDissertation 24made. Additionally, the religion and spirituality (R/S) research notably leaves out atheists, thusnot having a control group (Brewster et al., 2014).Atheists as a MinoritySince this cultural shift in psychology, tens of thousands of articles now give voice toissues of religiosity and spirituality, while the research on atheism is scant at best (Brewster etal., 2014). Religiosity is operationally defined as “a personal belief in a god or gods andorganized or institutional practices and beliefs'' (Brewster et al., 2014). Spirituality isoperationally defined as “a belief in a higher power and/or mystical experiences accompanied byless participation in traditional forms of religion” (Brewster et al., 2014). Very few articlesactually discuss non-belief as a valid diversity issue (D’Andrea & Sprenger, 2007). In 2014, thedemographic makeup of atheists, which comprised about 4-15% of individuals in the UnitedStates, mirrored other minority groups in size. This included sexual minorities (4-10%),Black/African American populations (13%), and Asian American populations (5%) (Brewster etal., 2014). It follows that atheists should be studied with at least the same rigor afforded to othermarginalized groups.There have been discrepancies in how researchers are identifying atheists, because to datethere is no single agreed upon definition (Brewster et al., 2014). It is theorized that atheists resideon a spectrum from strong atheism (Richard Dawkins) to weak atheism (agnostics). Though notclassified as a “religion,” atheism is a worldview and orienting factor that is consciously chosenby its advocates (Whitley, 2010). Atheists often believe in the “truth” of atheism, which is aphenomenon known as “positive atheism” (Whitley, 2010). This positive atheism is in somewhatof a renaissance in the western liberal democracies of the world, which is often referred to as“new atheism” (Whitley, 2010). New atheism’s adherents are often outspoken critics of religionDissertation 25(Dawkins, 2007). These outspoken new atheists do not exist with their ideological beliefs in thebackground but rather at the foreground of their existence. Whitley (2010) argues that atheismneeds to be explored as a valid sociocultural variable in the study of mental health andpsychiatric outcomes.There have been some studies that have identified key demographic features of atheists.They “reside in the Northeast or West, are well educated, are politically liberal or independent,and are more likely to identify as men and European American” (Brewster et al., 2014;Bainbridge, 2005; Galen, 2009; Kosmin & Keysar, 2008; Zuckerman, 2007). Other studies haveexamined personality traits of atheists. They found that they are more open, non-dogmatic,feminist, tolerant of ambiguity, comfortable with their views, and introverted compared toreligious individuals (Hunsberger & Altemeyer, 2006). Brewster et al. (2014) asserts that atheistscomprise a distinct subset of the American population and that the experience of being atheist ina predominantly Christian nation is likely “laden with unique challenges.” These differentiationswithin the literature provide new turf to study atheists and posttraumatic growth in a controlledmanner that transcends popular yet often unsubstantiated belief. There are currently no studies inthe body of literature that have qualitatively studied atheism and the subjective process ofposttraumatic growth.Atheism and Minority Stress TheoryBecause Atheists are a marginalized population in a primarily Christian nation, minoritystress theory has been used to conceptualize their experience (Brewster et al., 2020). Americansendorse multiple stereotypes towards atheists including beliefs that they are hedonistic,impulsive, angry, and untrustworthy (Brewster et al., 2020; Gervais, Shariff, & Norenzayan,2011; Saroglou, Yzerbyt, & Kaschten, 2011). Yet despite the minority status of atheists, atheistsDissertation 26are not situated in society as a marginalized or minority group. This may lead to isolation,invisibility, and a lack of community resources (Brewster et al., 2020, Abbott & Mollen, 2018).One researcher asserts that churches and temples in America are the single largest way in whichpeople build social capital in the form of seminars, food pantries, social services, and generalcommunity ties (Putnam, 2000). Various religions also sanction community events such asweekly church services, missionary trips, baptisms, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc. Lack of ritualizedcommunity events in atheist populations may contribute to social isolation.Community is a protective factor and an important safeguard against minority stress. Socialisolation has well established links to poor health, decreased psychological well-being, and earlydeath (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2014). Atheists face a conundrum because resources and copingstrategies available to the religious are not available to atheists themselves. 78% of Americansidentify with a religious group, in which community involvement, which has been shown toprotect against stress, is widespread and readily available (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2014). Ratherthan religion as a whole, community involvement is the one specific facet of religion that hasbeen strongly linked to greater overall health and well-being (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2014).Atheists, living in the margins of society, are more prone to social isolation, especially when theyreside in non-urban areas of America that have a propensity towards religiosity (Brewster et al.,2020). With the popularity of atheism rising, atheist social groups have become more popular.Atheist participation is not straightforward though, with Richard Dawkins (2006) comparingefforts of organizing atheists to “herding cats,” because they tend to think independently and areresistant to conforming to authority.Minority stress theory purports that the social stressors associated with membership of astigmatized group can result in poor physical and mental health (Meyer, 1995). Research hasDissertation 27consistently linked minority stress to higher rates of psychological disorders, increaseddepression and anxiety, substance use, and suicidality across populations (Meyer, 2015;Pachankis et al., 2018). Though understudied, atheist discrimination has been linked to negativemental health outcomes, including decreased physical and psychological well-being andincreased depressive symptomatology and loneliness (Cacioppo, Hawkley, & Thisted, 2010).One can only wonder how atheists begin to pick up the pieces of a shattered reality alone,without social support, after a traumatic event. With a lack of social support in the face of socialstigma, how then do atheists incorporate their experiences to make meaning of traumatic eventsin a way that contributes to PTG?Atheist Posttraumatic Growth as a Meaning Making ProcessNot identifying with any given religion or God is often associated with nihilism or fatalismwhich leads people to believe that irreligious people have no presence of meaning in their life(Speed et al., 2018). However, it has been found that while atheists and the nonreligious differ intheir source of meaning compared to their religious counterparts, this is not indicative ofsignificant differences in the levels of meaning these individuals have curated (Speed et al.,2018). Constructing meaning and purpose in life is an essential aspect and consequence of beinghuman, rather than something that is only reserved to experience under a theoretical religiousframework (Speed et al., 2018). Without a belief in a divine authority, atheists are more likely tobelieve that morality and meaning in life is self-constructed (Coleman, Hood, & Streib, 2018).The belief that existence precedes essence, meaning that we are born and then get to create whowe are and what values we live by, is more closely related to existentialism, which in and ofitself is an ideology that purports that meaning making and self-actualization is an essential partof life. In addition, atheists experience awe, wonder, and beauty to be “deeply moving”Dissertation 28experiences, with common themes relating to nature and humanity (Coleman, Hood, & Streib,2018).Types of MeaningThe religious and irreligious might differ in the types of meaning they employ afterexperiencing suffering. Researchers have posited sources of meaning as well as differentclassifications of meaning. For instance, global meaning refers to overarching beliefs andschemas that more generally inform one’s appraisal of life, such as religiosity, fairness, honesty,and benevolence of the world and other people (Speed et al., 2018). Situational meaning refers tospecific attributions to specific life encounters (Speed et al., 2018). Posttraumatic growthinvolves both situational and global meaning because the trauma itself fundamentally changeshow an individual views their place in the world in relation to other people. Changes followingthe aftermath of crisis that mirror the categories of PTG, such as changes revolving around newpossibilities, relating to others, personal strength, spiritual and/or existential change, andappreciation of life, can take on both situational and global meaning.For instance, an individual who was sexually assaulted may develop broad and overarchingnegative beliefs (global meaning) about others shortly after the assault with the one assailant(situational meaning). The individual now has both situational and global beliefs that stemmedfrom the same event. However, as the individual integrates what has happened to them and startsto make meaning out of their suffering, they may develop positive beliefs about others. Forexample, this same person may start to see that in the wake of their assault, friends and familymembers stepped in to validate and support them. The individual may go to therapy and developa positive relationship with a therapist. The individual may start to exercise more because it helpsclear their mind, therefore helping them discover how physically and mentally strong they are.Dissertation 29They may be able to forge more close and intimate relationships with loved ones who have alsobeen sexually assaulted. They may also join a non-profit organization to help people who haveexperienced the same pain as them. As is demonstrated, reactions to trauma cover emotional,cognitive, physical, spiritual, and professional domains.Atheist individuals consistently score higher in measures of internal locus of control aswell, meaning that they are more likely to acknowledge that how they respond to a trauma istheir choice as opposed to another entity’s (Langston, 2014). Another study on end of lifepreferences found that three main themes emerge. Atheists were found to have a desire to findmeaning in life, to maintain a connection with family and friends, and to continue to experienceand enjoy the natural world (Smith-Stoner, 2007). It follows that atheists value making meaningin life, which is the central tenet of the process and outcome of posttraumatic growth. Asevidenced by these end of life preferences, it is likely that atheist individuals cope with death andbereavement in ways that might be described as spiritual, even without a belief in God(s) orself-identification as spiritual due to the religious connotations of the term (Sawyer, 2020).Again, this speaks to the need to study this population in further depth, just as theisticpopulations have been studied, to provide appropriate care and guidance for bereaved individualsand those who have experienced a traumatic event.Sawyer and Brewster (2019) found that search for meaning was significantly and positivelyrelated to posttraumatic growth in a bereaved population. This negates previous research whichhas found the process of searching for meaning likely to induce stress and other negative states(Steger et al., 2006). In fact, David Kessler (2019) has introduced a sixth stage of grief: findingmeaning. Kessler argues that many people look for closure after loss, and that finding meaningDissertation 30beyond the five stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance,is essential to achieving peace and hope (Kessler, 2019).Unexpectedly, belief in God(s) was significantly and positively related to complicatedgrief (Sawyer & Brewster, 2019). Previous research has found that atheists typically foundmeaning in life from maintaining a connection with family and friends, and from experiencingand enjoying the natural world (Smith- Stoner, 2007). As a result, atheists who have experiencedthe death of a close friend or family member might not have any meaning “searching” to do andmight continue to cope by way of their connections with family, friends, and the natural world.It goes without saying that atheist meaning making processes and outcomes are going to beunaffiliated with God or religion.Finding meaning in one’s life is an important component of mental health. This meaningcan be derived from this world or other worlds in the afterlife. A central process throughout lifefor atheists is finding meaning and purpose via the natural world as opposed to a religious text ordeity (Smith-Stoner, 2007). Life meaning helps atheists transcend suffering to achieve mentalhealth, just as life meaning helps theists transcend suffering. Tools to ameliorate suffering, suchas mindfulness skills, healthy coping, therapy, as well as narratives around the suffering are alsoa key factor in one’s mental health. To date, there has been little research on atheism and mentalhealth (Whitley, 2010). It is likely impossible to definitively know if atheists and theists benefitfrom the same kinds of tools in the aftermath of trauma specifically until there is researchcomparing how the two groups respond to traumatic events.Posttraumatic growth, being a process and outcome of significant struggles in coping withtraumatic experiences, is a way for people to make sense out of what has happened to them, andto integrate such information in a way that changes their personhood, relationships, and beliefsDissertation 31about the world (Tedeschi et al., 2020). Since posttraumatic growth often co-occurs with otherpsychiatric conditions, such as posttraumatic stress disorder, atheism and its correlates to mentalhealth need to be studied to draw meaningful conclusions about this growing population(Tedeschi et al., 2020).This is all to say that there is conflicting research surrounding atheism and religiosity asthey relate to trauma and PTG. With some research showing consistent links between thepresence of greater meaning in life, religiousness, and PTG, and others showing that theirreligious do not experience deficits in meaning in life or PTG. Consequently, it becomes moredifficult to draw overarching conclusions from the incongruous and sparse literature (Speed etal., 2018).Cognitive EngagementOne of the hallmark characteristics of PTSD is a reduced capacity for cognitiveengagement around the content of the traumatic event (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018).Avoidance is a primary symptom of the disorder, and thus individuals with the condition often donot actively engage with the content, and therefore are unable to revise negative cognitionsassociated with the event (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018). Some people with PTSD stay numbin a way that inhibits PTG because they cannot engage with the traumatic material in new anddifferent ways. Those with PTSD may also act out in ways that defend against the experiencewhich only reinforces their beliefs about the event, namely, that the material is so upsetting thatthey cannot physically, cognitively, or emotionally handle the experience of remembering(Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018). It has been documented that those who witness traumaticevents that relate to human suffering repeatedly, for example police officers, utilize emotionaldetachment as a coping method (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018). This phenomenon has beenDissertation 32deemed “alexithymia" in the literature, which is a reduced ability to identify and describeemotions. Alexithymia is positively related to PTSD symptoms (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri,2018). Lastly, maladaptive coping strategies, like consuming substances to alter mind states, areassociated with less PTG because the strategies defend against cognitive and emotionalengagement (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018).Many persons who have faced major crises and losses experience cognitive engagementaround (1) making sense of the immediate circumstances and (2) making sense of the morefundamental elements of significance raised by the circumstances of the trauma (Chopko,Adams, Palmieri, 2018). The first deals with making sense of the sequence of events thatproduced the trauma (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018). An example of this would be ponderingwhy a friend chose to die by suicide, or running through the events that ultimately ended withsomeone being hit by a car. The second stage reflects broader and more abstract concerns aboutoneself, the world, and their posture in the world (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018). This stageis usually existential or spiritual in nature and focuses on the fundamental meaning ofcircumstances of a person’s life as they exist in the aftermath of trauma (Chopko, Adams,Palmieri, 2018). An example of this would be a person questioning how a merciful and lovingGod could allow a close friend to be diagnosed with cancer at a young age. For atheists, thetraumatic event may directly challenge a belief in a fair and just world. However, these stages areoftentimes not linear and rather happen in conjunction with each other (Chopko, Adams,Palmieri, 2018). The cognitive and emotional processing of trauma is not a neat undertaking thatcan be reduced to an equation, rather this experience is deeply personal and may look differentfor everyone who experiences a trauma (Chopko, Adams, Palmieri, 2018).Dissertation 33Deliberate cognitive processing (i.e. reflective brooding) involved in the meaning-makingprocess in the aftermath of trauma, is a salient growth promoting factor (Chopko, Adams,Palmieri, 2018). According to Tedeschi & Calhoun (2004), substantial cognitive processing mustoccur in order for PTG to develop. Cognitive processing and restructuring can be compared tothe physical rebuilding that occurs after an earthquake (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This newstructure can be rebuilt with new knowledge, knowledge that provides a more solid foundationshould crises hit again (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). The psychological processing after criseshas a highly emotional element that cannot be viewed separately from cognitive engagement(Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This cognitive engagement accompanied by emotionalengagement, is what is transformative about the PTG process. Intellectual reflections alone donot contribute to trauma processing (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). Likewise, focusing on facts ofemotions alone does not produce PTG. A perfect storm of all profiles of engagement (cognitive,emotional, psychological) must be met in order for this process to flourish (Tedeschi & Calhoun,2004). It has been shown that very few people consciously and systematically engage with thetraumatic material to achieve growth after the fact (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). The cognitiveprocessing needed for PTG is rather a consequence of attempts at psychological survival(Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This cognitive processing aids in building new schemas, goals, andmeanings (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). Survivors’ engagement focuses on the discrepancybetween the schemas present before the trauma, and the new information/experience that doesnot fit into these existing schemas (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This then creates a traumanarrative that includes a before and after, or trauma as a turning point, if you will (Tedeschi &Calhoun, 2004). Philosophical beliefs may have seemed true then, but not now. Because old andnew beliefs are incompatible, the survivor can accommodate a new worldview and reality thatDissertation 34allows for more adaptive conceptualizations of what it means to be a trauma survivor in theworld now. Questions that survivors may start asking of themselves are “Who am I?” “What willbecome of my life?” and these questions represent an adaptive orientation to the future, asopposed to negative rumination of the past (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). Cognitive processinghappens somewhere in the time frame between intrusive, automatic thinking, and PTG (Tedeschi& Calhoun, 2004).Role of Formalized Religion in Posttraumatic GrowthMost of the world’s religions including Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Hinduismview suffering as having an important positive role in personal development, the development ofwisdom, and one’s relationship with their higher being (Shaw et al., 2005). For example, in theold testament of the Judeo-Christian Bible/Torah, it is advised “...but we also boast in oursufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, andcharacter produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us…’’ (New Revised Standard Version,2022, Romans 5:5). Suffering is a commonality across humanity, and religions around the worldspeak to this. Despite Abrahamic religion’s preoccupation with suffering and transcendence,there has been no causal link made between religious beliefs and psychological growth aftertrauma.Rather, there has been correlational research that links several psychosocial factors,including social connectedness, intrinsic religiosity, and purpose in life, to greater posttraumaticgrowth (Tsai et al., 2015). This same study mentions that interventions aimed at increasing socialconnectedness, intrinsic religiosity, and purpose in life may help promote PTG in traumasurvivors. In a study by Khanna & Greyson (2015), participants who identified as atheist oragnostic scored significantly lower on a measure of PTG than Catholics, Protestants, or “other”Dissertation 35religions. Benefits provided by religion may include having an enhanced meaning of life,increased social support, acceptance of difficulties, and having a structured belief system (Shawet al., 2005). These listed benefits of religion actually roughly mirror four of the five PTGcategories including appreciation of life, relating to others, new possibilities, and spiritual and/orexistential change. These benefits are correlated with not just religion, but also resilience. In astudy by Hasanović & Pajević (2010), a higher index of religious moral beliefs in war veteranswas significantly associated with better control of distress which provides better mental healthstability. These religious beliefs also enabled post traumatic conflicts to be more easilyovercome.Religious and spiritual belief has been shown to be helpful to people recovering fromstressful and traumatic life events, and it has also been shown that stressful and traumatic lifeevents can lead someone to religion or spirituality as a result (Shaw et al., 2005). In ameta-analysis by Prati & Pietrantoni (2009), 103 studies were examined that spoke to copingstrategies that contribute to PTG. It was found that religious coping and positive reappraisalcoping produced the largest effect sizes. Moreover, age and gender were significant moderatorsof religious coping, with the effect stronger for older people than for younger people andstronger for women than for men (Prati & Pietrantoni, 2009).In a study by Yanez et al. (2009), two specific facets of spirituality, faith andmeaning/peace were looked at to investigate how they predict psychological adjustment inwomen with metastatic breast cancer. Faith is often seen as a helpful tool when confrontingadverse events, however this study illustrated that faith is only useful to the extent thatmeaning/peace ultimately is achieved. The study found faith without meaning/peace lends itselfto women feeling conflicted about their faith and abandoned by God (Yanez et al., 2009).Dissertation 36Following the findings of this study, it can be deduced that atheists with meaning/peace may infact achieve psychological adjustment after traumatic experiences, because meaning/peace areconstructs that also exist independent from religious beliefs. It must be noted that in certainstudies, anger at God was found to be a predictor of inimical outcomes of bereavement (Exline etal., 2011). By definition, an atheist has no God to direct their anger toward, whether the anger isin regard to taking a loved one or unanswered prayers, this specific component of bereavementamong the religious can be discarded among an atheist population.Before PTG was operationalized within the literature, researchers had knowledge thatrebuilding shattered assumptions after trauma can create an enhanced sense of meaning in lifeand greater existential awareness (Yalom & Lieberman, 1991). Yet for others, experiencingtrauma can be so devastating that the victim becomes embittered at God. As has beendemonstrated, religiosity by and large is a positive experience for many. Religion is often used asa way to cope with hardship because both citizens and researchers alike recognize that itpromotes mental and physical health.Resilience, Posttraumatic Growth, and PTSDTedeschi et al. (2020) defines resilience as a psychological construct that refers to one'sability to resist having their core beliefs challenged or destroyed after difficult life events. In ameta-analysis aimed at combing through the literature to find a single agreed upon definition ofresilience, researchers found that there was not one (Aburn, Gott, Hoare, 2016). There werehowever common underlying themes found in the literature that contribute to resilience includingrising above, adaptation and adjustment, dynamic process, no pre-existing mental illnesses, andordinary magic (Aburn, Gott, Hoare, 2016). Ordinary magic asserts that the construct ofresilience is an ordinary rather than an extraordinary process of the human condition (Hons, Gott,Dissertation 37Hoare, 2016). Because of resilient peoples’ ability to withstand traumatic events with less upset,resilient people are minimally affected by stress and trauma (Tedeschi et al., 2020). This isbecause they have the skills and perspectives that allow them to manage these events moreeffectively (Tedeschi et al., 2020). It follows that resilient people are less likely to experiencemuch PTG (Tedeschi et al., 2020). However, it is important to note that those who haveexperienced PTG after trauma, thus having had to rebuild their core beliefs in more adaptiveways that capture their newfound reality, are better able to withstand future traumas, thusbecoming more resilient. Those who have severe “pathological” symptoms of PTSD often havethe most fertile ground to achieve PTG because of the instability of their core beliefs (Tedeschi etal., 2020).The topic of resilience is important because those who are more resilient are less likely todevelop PTSD (Tedeschi et al., 2020). However, without these substantial struggles, the sameones that cause and maintain PTSD, PTG would likely either not be experienced at all or beexperienced in an attenuated manner. This is the “paradox” of PTG, the lesson being that out ofsuffering comes growth (Tedeschi et al., 2020). PTG does not erase a person’s experiences ormake struggling with the trauma or its aftermath easier. Rather, distress often coexists rightalongside PTG. Lastly, survivors of trauma may say suffering in life is unavoidable, but findingmeaning in it makes the suffering worthwhile (Tedeschi et al., 2020). The PTG categories areabout finding this meaning. Extraordinary suffering after trauma often can force individuals toreevaluate their jobs (new possibilities), their relationships (relating to others), their beliefs aboutthemselves (personal strength), their spiritual affiliations (spiritual change), existential beliefs(existential change), and lastly, it can be a catalyst for people to become thankful for things theymay have taken for granted before the suffering (appreciation of life).Dissertation 38Although Tedeschi and Calhoun assert that those who are the least resilient and whodevelop the most severe presentations of PTSD are most likely to achieve PTG, some of theliterature on pre-existing resilience structure has come to different conclusions. First, it isimportant to understand the context that the concepts of both PTSD and PTG were born in. Thedefinition of PTSD that is found in the DSM-5 was originally created to capture the unique stressresponses that occurred in veterans after the First and Second World War and the Vietnam War(van der Kolk et al., 2005). Combat trauma happens as an adult, after the body's central nervoussystem and resilience structures have been solidified. Veterans are at least 18 years old at theonset of combat trauma, whereas individuals who experience multiple ongoing traumas startingin early childhood, otherwise known as complex trauma, have been found to suffer from uniqueand often severe consequences related to repeated traumatic exposure and an inability to escapeit (Winfrey & Perry, 2021). In one meta-analysis of PTG in complex trauma survivors from1998-2018, the researchers found that PTG outcome studies in the US are overwhelminglyconcerned with the veteran population (McCormack et al., 2021). This saturation fails to thengive voice to those who do not suffer from combat related PTSD. It follows that those who donot have this underlying resilience are more likely to develop maladaptive symptomatology(Winfrey & Perry, 2021). The meta-analysis done by McCormack et al. (2021) also found thatthere were zero interventional studies to inform therapy when it came to complex trauma andPTG (McCormack et al., 2021).It is unclear whether or not Tedeschi and Callhoun were including complex traumasurvivors, otherwise known as attachment or developmental trauma, in the original PTGliterature. If they did, complex trauma survivors were not disaggregated in terms of PTGoutcomes. Understanding pre-existing resilience is important when trying to understand whyDissertation 39some people are more likely to develop PTSD, but also why some are able to achieve more PTGthan others. The literature around complex trauma provides a context with which to understandpre-existing resilience.Complex trauma is recognized as an individual's exposure to multiple or prolongedsevere stressors that are interpersonal in nature (van der Kolk, 2005). It has also beenconceptualized as interpersonal conflict caused by harm from a responsible adult at criticalperiods in the individual's life (i.e. early childhood through adolescence), leading topsychological and behavioral changes, and vulnerability to potentially traumatic eventsthroughout adulthood (Courtois et al., 2009).Perry & Winfrey (2021) identify two patterns of stress. The first pattern is unpredictable,extreme, and prolonged stress which leads to sensitization of the central nervous system (CNS)and vulnerability to future stressors (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Over time, this leads to functionalvulnerability (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Since stress response systems collectively reach all partsof the brain and body, a cascade of risk in emotional, social, mental, and physical health occurs(Perry & Winfrey, 2021). This prolonged and chaotic unpredictable stress collapses resiliencestructure in children making them less resilient for future stressors (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Thesecond pattern is predictable, moderate, and controllable stress, which leads to tolerance andresilience (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Developmentally appropriate challenges in education, sports,music, and so forth can lead to a more flexible and stronger stress-response capability, otherwiseknown as resilience (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). When resilience structure is destroyed or unable tobe built in the first place, there comes interpersonal disturbance, negative self-concept, andchronic affect dysregulation in addition to the triad that creates classic PTSD, including sense ofthreat, avoidance, and re-experiencing (Perry & Winfrey, 2021).Dissertation 40When it comes to the creation of resilience, early developmental experiences, particularlytouch and other relational based sensory experiences, are “organizing experiences” thatcontribute to an infant's worldview (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). The metaphor of a house thatTedeschi & Calhoun (2020) often use to describe the impact of trauma, is also used in thiscontext. These organizing experiences are setting the foundation of a building for an infant(Perry & Winfrey, 2021). The first few years of life are when core features of a house areconstructed (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Think plumbing, electrical wiring, walls, etc. Thesefoundational structures are what make a house not only resilient against turbulence, butfunctional (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). The same is true for children who have built solidfoundations. Every aspect of human functioning is altered if this early developmental foundationis not laid (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). When there is chaos, unpredictability, threat, and lack oflove, the individual does not develop resilience (Perry & Winfrey, 2021).To date, the type, duration, and intensity of traumatic events has not been separated in theliterature regarding how these traumatic events impact the individual (Weathers & Keane, 2007).A google scholar literature review using the keywords “complex trauma,” “posttraumatic stress,”and “posttraumatic growth” yielded one journal article. Dagan & Yager (2019), found that thosewho have undergone extensive early traumas, such as childhood sexual abuse, may still becapable of PTG. Factors that contributed to growth include temperamental resilience, thepresence of safe, supportive, and enduring therapeutic and extra-therapeutic relationships thatappear to address insecure attachments related to the trauma, seemed to be of considerableimportance when looking at the propensity toward PTG (Dagan & Yager, 2019).PTG, being a process and outcome, eventually leads to more resilience (Tedeschi &Calhoun, 2020). However, PTG theory has not been able to incorporate baseline propensitiesDissertation 41towards resilience because by the time a participant is selected in a study, the traumatic event hasalready happened. In this study, we are not measuring resilience as a baseline factor. Because ofthis, we will be unable to draw conclusions about baseline resilience and how that hascontributed to participant PTG. This study is aimed at speaking to survivors of trauma who havealready demonstrated they have achieved some level of PTG. We aim to explore the meaningmaking process for these individuals post-trauma. By nature of interpretive phenomenologicalanalysis, the subjective lived experience of the participants is what this study is trying to capture.Dissertation 42CHAPTER IIIMethodsRationale for Qualitative Research AnalysisThere is a very limited supply of existing research that investigates atheism andposttraumatic growth. Qualitative methodology that incorporates narrative style interviews is anapt research method for participants who have historically been understudied, especiallyqualitatively. The researcher believes that qualitative methodology is most fitting for the researchaims of this study because it promotes meaningful introspection and it also enables participantsto share subjective experiences in depth, in a way that speaks to the phenomenon being studied.Qualitative research takes great care to humanize participants who have been often been silencedand thus are never apple to speak about their traumatic experiences. The disturbing nature ofmost traumatic experiences prevents survivors from sharing socially without judgment. Lastly,qualitative research celebrates individual differences in experience, as no two trauma narrativesor life stories are the same.Community Based Participatory Research (CBPR) was utilized for this project. CBPRrequired that the researcher recruit a community stakeholder prior to formal data collection, tohelp analyze whether the study honors and speaks to the phenomena being studied. CBPRrequires mutual respect and partnership with the community being studied, in this case atheistswho have experienced trauma and posttraumatic growth. The community stakeholder helped tocollaboratively shape the study with the researcher. This approach “questions the powerrelationships that are inherently embedded in Western knowledge production, advocates forpower to be shared between the researcher and the researched, acknowledges the legitimacy ofexperiential knowledge, and focuses on research aimed at improving situations” (Tremblay et al.,Dissertation 432018, p. 2). CBPR’s Intervention and Research dimension invites practitioners to create andcenter research in local culture, be informed by local settings and organizations, share synergyand trust between partners, replace jargon with vernacular, reflect partners’ input, andbidirectionally translate, implement, and disseminate findings (Belone et al., 2016).In order to protect the safety and confidentiality of this project’s participants, theiraccounts were de-identified, but the quality of their stories remain intact. Themes found in thissample may be helpful in guiding future research, which has the potential to change practices inclinical psychology and social systems (Smith et al., 2009). This research can also act as achallenge for other researchers to consider how religious beliefs, or lack thereof, createmeaningful changes in how an individual learns to survive after trauma.Rationale for Use of Interpretive Phenomenological AnalysisThis project followed the processes and philosophies presented in Jonathon Smith’s (2009)method of Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis (IPA). Posttraumatic Growth is a welldocumented area of research across qualitative and quantitative domains, and this project aims toadd meaningful findings to that research body. IPA has an important history of qualitativeexplorations across research topics, which is fitting because this project is concerned with askingparticipants to reflect and evaluate the significance and meaning of their complex experiences(Smith et al., 2009). The IPA process encourages participants to interpret their own experiences(meaning making), to which the researcher can further interpret. IPA’s use of researcherreflexivity aids the researcher in having a balanced interpretation of the qualitative data (Smith etal., 2009). The researcher attempted to hold participant narratives carefully and respectfully inorder to provide an interpretation that honors the participant’s authentic self and unique set ofexperiences (Smith et al., 2009). IPA methodology encourages small sample sizes ofDissertation 44approximately six participants who were invited to this study for an in-depth interpretivephenomenological analysis. After each individual’s narrative was elicited and interpreted,commonalities and differences were observable and further evaluated (Smith et al., 2009).Interpretive phenomenological analysis is a qualitative method of study that analyzes howparticipants have made sense of what has happened to them (Smith et al., 2009). Smith (2009)defines phenomenology as the “philosophical approach to the study of experience,” which, inturn, offers foundational understandings of what it means to be human. IPA examines livedexperiences in language used by a person, as opposed to focusing on psychological theory andreflecting on participant bias (Smith, 2017). Rather, IPA promotes an “intentional stance” forreflecting on bias (Smith et al., 2009). IPA concerns itself with how humans use life experiencesto make meaning in order to better understand themselves, their relationships, and the world(Smith et al., 2009). This methodology enables researchers to approach participants’ livedexperiences with care and respect for the participants’ desires and intentions (Smith et al., 2009).The foundation of IPA, in service of examining these personal experiences, lies upon threeconstructs which include hermeneutics, ideography, and phenomenology (Smith, 1996).Hermeneutics, the theory of interpretation, guides researchers in the conducting of interpretation,when it occurs, how to incorporate contextual factors, and how context, broadly speaking, is animportant component of the interpretation process (Smith et al., 2009). IPA uses a doublehermeneutic which allows for both an understanding of subjective experience and theresearcher's interpretation of this experience (Smith & Osborn, 2015). Utilizing doublehermeneutics, cognitive boundaries are drawn to allow for the researcher to contextualize theanalysis and the researcher’s perspective. To promote authentic interpretation that reflects theactual lived experience of participants, the researcher followed an iterative hermeneutic circle,Dissertation 45which includes relying on the source document to connect the various parts and large whole ofinterpretation (Smith et al., 2009).Ideography, which emphasizes the particular in a detailed analysis, is a tenet of IPA (Smithet al., 2009). This research process requires deep, systematic analysis of data from participantswho are purposely selected for their particular life narratives (Smith et al., 2009). IPA’sidiographic commitment allows the researcher to traverse from the particular to the universal byanalyzing details across participant experiences and systematically searching for patterns acrossthem (Smith et al., 2009). Lastly, IPA asserts that by analyzing specific cases in depth in order toanalyze the phenomenon being studied, the researcher can expand those interpretations to makegeneral claims about the meaning of these significant experiences in the general population(Smith et al., 2009).The current project followed the tradition of IPA in that data was collected insemi-structured interviews, leaving space and opportunities for participants to take a lead inconveying their experiences either implicitly or explicitly (Smith et al., 2009). The interviewswere recorded, transcripts were kept, and then the researcher reviewed separate participantaccounts to then be compiled into a broader narrative, which includes careful and detaileddocumentation as well as direct quotes from participant interviews (Smith et al., 2009). In orderto maintain fidelity to the IPA model, details about my own identity and how it plays a role in theexploration process of understanding and meaning making processes of atheist individuals whohave undergone PTG, were discussed.Un/Trustworthiness and Reflexivity StatementIPA maintains that the researcher be self-reflective and understanding of how theinterplay of personal identities may influence the experience of the participants, their disclosures,Dissertation 46and the outcomes of the study (Smith et al., 2009). Differences in identity, whether they berealized or perceived, may result in distrust between participant and researcher, which couldcompromise the integrity of the project (Smith et al., 2009). The researcher, including theintersectional identities that they hold, becomes a filter by which the data travels through (Smithet al., 2009). To promote trustworthiness and safety, especially when working with those withtrauma, the researcher must be dependable, accountable, and forthright in treating participantsand their narratives with care, and this must be done so as accurately and ethically as possible(Smith et al., 2009). It follows that the researcher of this project was committed to continuousself-reflective and reflexive processes, conducted under the supervision of experienced andtrusted dissertation committee members (Smith et al., 2009).I, Savannah Miller, am the researcher and author of this research project. I land on theyoung millenial/gen Z cusp, and identify as a white, straight, cisgender woman from a middleclass background. I acknowledge that my interpretations of the existing literature and the datacollected in this project was influenced by these identities, as they provide me with a unique lensthat is afforded to me through my lived experiences on this planet. I closely identify with andconsider myself to be a member of the targeted population of this project, meaning that I am anadult who identifies as atheist who has experienced trauma and PTG. My interest in the researchquestions I have selected were influenced by my own life experiences. I have had to rebuild mylife in various ways, and I found myself wondering about other trauma survivor’s narratives.How have others made meaning of their stories and re-attained what it means to be human afterencountering repeated dehumanization? I found these stories to be few and far between, buteventually, I found a new framework to understand my experiences; posttraumatic growth.Completing the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory offered a new perspective to my suffering. OneDissertation 47that did not say that I was irreparably broken, but rather, changed forever, but maybe for thebetter. I believe that this inventory can be an enlightening and, in and of itself, a potentiallyhealing instrument. I have devoted countless hours of personal, professional, and clinicalreflection to understanding how my experience of childhood trauma has influenced my choices,my relationships, my values, my career, and my self-concept before and after the trauma.I acknowledged that there was a likelihood that my personal life experiences would berelated to or strikingly similar to participant accounts, which may have complicated how Ipresented the findings. This self-identification may have made me prone to confirmation bias,resulting in an amplification of similar experiences and a contraction of dissimilar experiences.There was also a likelihood that participant experience would feel oppositional or contradictoryto mine, which may have elicited defensive or emotional responses from myself. With thisacknowledged, I was prepared and excited to hear unique experiences from participants, as theseunique experiences may be the ones that another survivor is able to identify with and drawvalidation or hope from. The heterogeneity of traumatic experience and rebirth speaks to thecreativity and resilience of survivors who have had to learn to survive without the aid of ahandbook, such as a biblical text. A journal detailed all known biases in addition to new biasesthat arose as the study progressed.I realize that my personal experiences with atheism, the American religious majority,trauma, and PTG, are inherently connected to my other salient identities such as being white,middle class, young, a woman, and a millenial/gen Z individual who has had privilegedopportunities in higher education. To prevent these intersectional identities and experiences frominfluencing the integrity of this project, I remained committed to ongoing self-work andidentity-work that are both necessary in order to identify what is “mine” from the goals of theDissertation 48current project. I routinely sought consultation with my dissertation chair and committeemembers to help moderate and mediate these processes to promote ongoing trustworthinessbetween the researcher and this project. Though I was committed to making a conscious effort toavoid or limit all known biases, the material presented and discussed in this dissertation is deeplycomplex which leaves room for redefinition and opposing interpretations. Meanings andconcepts addressed here are likely to change or become obsolete as cultural contexts change overtime. The reader should take care to take these limitations into consideration while reviewing thisproject.Context for Data CollectionAfter receiving informed consent (Appendix A) from all participants, the researcherconducted individual interviews to collect data by using a securely encrypted video software(Zoom). Interviews were audio and video recorded to the cloud and then transcribed usingOtter.ai. Transcriptions were then uploaded to ATLAS.ti. I edited these transcriptions for fidelityand clarity to the audio content. I de-identified the recordings with a numbering system to protectthe privacy and confidentiality of participants and the recordings were securely encrypted. I wasthe only person with access to the list of participants and study IDs, and I kept this information ina password-protected file on my personal computer and a password protected externalUSB-drive. All identified data collected has now been destroyed.Participant Inclusion & Exclusion CriteriaThis study included six atheists who have experienced a criterion A trauma and who residein the United States. This was an interpretive phenomenological analysis that utilized across-sectional study design based on data gathered from a Qualtrics survey and participantinterview. The inclusion criteria in this study was that participants must be adults aged 18 yearsDissertation 49or older who are atheists, have a criterion A trauma, have a score of 27 or below on the PCL-5,have a combined mean score of 3 or above on the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory-Expanded(PTGI-X), did not believe in a God or Gods, were able to read and write in English past a 6thgrade reading level, have not been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, and were not currentlyabusing substances. Additionally, the individuals needed to have identified as atheist before theonset of trauma.The Posttraumatic Growth Inventory- Expanded, is an instrument for assessing positiveoutcomes reported by persons who have experienced traumatic events, is described as a 21-itemquestionnaire including factors of New Possibilities, Relating to Others, Personal Strength,Spiritual and Existential Change, and Appreciation of Life scored on an ordinal scale (Tedeschi& Calhoun, 1996) (Appendix B). Scores range from 0 to 105, with lower scores indicating lessPTG, and higher scores indicating more PTG (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996).For the purposes of this study, individuals with likely PTSD were excluded based on theirscore from the Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Checklist (PCL-5) (Appendix C). This did notpreclude individuals who may have met criteria for PTSD before this study from participation.The PCL-5 is an ordinal 20-item self-report measure and is the second most psychometricallysound scale to provisionally diagnose PTSD, second only to the Clinician-Administered PTSDScale for DSM-5 (CAPS-5), which is a semi-structured clinical interview (Weathers et al., 2019).The PCL-5 has been shown to have good sensitivity in distinguishing between those who likelydo not have PTSD from those who most likely do because it maps onto DSM-5 symptom clusters(Ashbaugh et al., 2016). DSM-5 symptom cluster severity scores can be obtained by summingthe scores for the items within a given cluster, i.e., re-experiencing: cluster B (items 1-5),avoidance: cluster C (items 6-7), negative cognitions and mood: cluster D (items 8-14), andDissertation 50arousal: cluster E (items 15-20) (Ashbaugh et al., 2016). Scores range from 0 to 80, with scores30 and below indicating subthreshold PTSD and scores 31 and above indicating threshold PTSD(Ashbaugh et al., 2016).Recruitment ProceduresThis study's target sample was atheist individuals who met the inclusion/exclusion criteria.The Atheist Republic, a Facebook group with 2.2 million members, kindly offered to share theiremail listserv which was used for recruitment purposes. A disclaiming statement at the onset ofpeople filling out the survey was given (Appendix D). This statement iterated that this study isdesigned for people who have moved beyond a state of traumatic stress, and that if people arefeeling distressed and at the height of their experience of the trauma, this is not the right studyfor them, and we advise that they seek help from a mental health professional. Individuals wereable to fill out a Qualtrics survey that included demographic information as well as the PCL-5and PTGI-X. In addition to the PCL-5 and PTGI-X, the survey asked individuals to brieflydescribe their criterion A trauma, disclose completed years of education, income bracket, age,employment status, gender identity, and ethnicity (Appendix E). After the survey, any individualsthat were ineligible for any reason received an auto-generated response notifying them that theywere ineligible (Appendix F). They were also provided referrals for mental health treatment fromThe National Center for PTSD including crisis support lines, a database to find a provider, andself-help and coping resources (Appendix G).Data Collection ProceduresWhen determined eligible via the Qualtrics survey, participants were invited to schedule a1-hour, individual, semi-structured interview with the primary researcher via secure videoDissertation 51conferencing software (Zoom). The interviewees were asked a series of open-ended questionsabout their life story in narrative form, their experience of being atheist in America, theirperceived PTG experiences, and how their lack of a belief in a God or Gods is related orunrelated to their meaning making processes. The interview began with general questions andincluded prompts to allow further discussion as needed (Appendix H). Due to the sensitivenature of the questions being asked, at the end of each participant interview, two to threecommunity based referrals were given should a participant feel flooded or in need of counselingafter the interview.Interviews were audio recorded and transcripts were edited for clarity. The researchertook process notes after each interview and used them to reflect on her impressions.Post-interview process notes served as an additional resource for contextualizing the interviewand developing the analysis.Data AnalysisOnce the data was collected through qualitative interviews, the recordings were transcribedusing Otter.ai, and subsequently uploaded to ATLAS.ti, an analytic data software program whichorganized, coded, and compared elements of the interviews. As previously mentioned, the datacollected was analyzed and processed using interpretative phenomenological analysis, whichguides researchers to interpret participant disclosures through iterative and circular analysis, witha focus on how each participant makes sense of their life experiences (Smith et al., 2009). TheInterpretative Phenomenological Analysis: Theory, Method and Research text by Smith et al.(2009), outlines a series of multidirectional steps which were utilized and referenced in thisproject’s data analysis. These steps include line-by-line analysis, identification of emergingthemes, development of dialogue between researcher, data and meanings, development of aDissertation 52frame through which to illustrate relationships between themes, and organization of material intoa coherent process (Smith et al., 2009). It was important that the researcher not be isolated in thisanalysis and access supervision to consult about the plausibility of interpretations, create a fullnarrative, and to engage in satisfactory reflexivity (Smith et al., 2009). Such analytical processesoccurred for each interview individually, as well as for the data set as a whole in order to bestrecognize uniting themes or noteworthy differences. The researcher committed to treating eachinterview with care and with a focus that promoted honoring the depth of each participant’sunique story.Step 1: Reading and re-readingThe researcher focused on one interview at a time, reading the first transcript a total of 3times with the intention of connecting deeper and deeper with the participant’s narrative witheach re-reading in order to access potential unique meanings of the participant’s experiences(Smith et al., 2009). In the first reading the researcher also listened to the audio recording of theinterview to become closely familiar and engaged with the data (Smith et al., 2009). Any and allinitial impressions observed from the audio recording were notated.Step 2: Initial notingATLAS.ti was utilized throughout the process to note language/linguistic elements, content,and other observations and conceptual comments in as much detail as possible (Smith et al.,2009). The researcher used descriptive commentary to keep track of the content and details thatwere meaningful for the participant, as elicited through the interview (Smith et al., 2009). Theresearcher used linguistic commentary to notate the participant’s use of language andchoice/structure in how the content was presented which included pacing, repetition, tone, degreeDissertation 53of fluency, and laughter (Smith et al., 2009). The researcher used conceptual commentary tonotate interpretations of the data which could include underlying ideas and meanings of theparticipant’s narrative. It was essential that the researcher continue self-reflexivity throughoutthis process, in order to examine how biases, past experiences, and theoretical framework mayshape interpretations and theories about the participant’s disclosures (Smith et al., 2009).Additionally, the researcher kept track of what stands out as important in order toevaluate why certain statements feel important later in the analysis (Smith et al., 2009). Theresearcher used free association to track thoughts that were instinctively elicited by certain partsof the text which were helpful in further analysis (Smith et al., 2009). Furthermore, text wasdeconstructed and sentences read out of order, to promote in depth connection with the words(Smith et al., 2009). This process further distanced the researcher from the ‘normative’ wayexperiences are read and digested (Smith et al., 2009).Step 3: Developing emergent themesThe next goal of IPA was to consolidate necessary detail from the transcripts, as well as theresearcher’s notes to track patterns and connection points between the first sets of notes (Smith etal., 2009). The aim was to focus on ‘important’ sections of notes within particular sections of thetranscript, rather than focusing on the entire transcript narrative, when using ATLAS.ti to code,organize, and search for meaning. (Smith et al., 2009). During this process, transcript notes werecondensed and reworded in fewer and simpler words, to get to the core, underlying ideas (Smithet al., 2009). The final version of notes reflected a conceptual, grounded, and holisticunderstanding of the text (Smith et al., 2009). The process was circular and iterative, in whichthe researcher analyzed parts of the whole in order to recombine the analyzed parts to create anew whole with new meaning (Smith et al., 2009).Dissertation 54Step 4: Searching for connections across emergent themesUsing ATLAS.ti, the researcher constructed a structure of text that highlights importanttopics and connections by charting relationships between emerging themes (Smith et al., 2009).A chronologically-ordered list of themes was constructed and themes that seem related weremoved into clusters (Smith et al., 2009). The clusters were titled with new theme names thatdescribe the overarching themes (Smith et al., 2009). It was also essential for the researcher topay attention to and record the frequency and trajectory in which various themes develop so anymeaningful patterns could be notated (Smith et al., 2009).Step 5: Moving to the next caseIn step 5, “moving to the next case,” steps 1-4 were repeated with each individualparticipant narrative/transcript. Each was honored for its individuality. In this process, theresearch approach was to treat each narrative with a naive and fresh research perspective ratherthan sourcing for similar patterns from preceding interviews (Smith et al., 2009). The processdetailed in Step I, of immersing oneself deep in the context and meaning of the data throughrepeated review, was essential to be repeated with every transcript (Smith et al., 2009).Step 6: Looking for patterns across casesThe theme charts from each case were compared and connected and additionalinterpretations were made via ATLAS.ti (Smith et al., 2009). In stage 6, previously recordedthemes could have been reordered or renamed based on the holistic findings of this stage. Specialattention was made for any themes that seem particularly salient (Smith et al., 2009). Also, thepattern-seeking process enables attention to be paid to both themes that are unique to a specificcase as well as those which seem to be shared across cases (Smith et al., 2009). A final table ofDissertation 55themes was constructed which included overarching themes and subthemes (Smith et al., 2009).The final table of themes is available in Appendix I.Dissertation 56CHAPTER IVResultsSix individuals participated in this study from five different states, representing a diversearray of the geopolitical spectrum within the United States of America. Participants were mostlymen (84%, 16% female) with a mean age of 35 years old. Participants identified their racial andethnic identity as Non-Hispanic White (n = 4) and Black (n = 2). While participants were fromdifferent states with vastly different cultures and political affiliations, the similarity of the atheistexperience that these six participants spoke to was striking. These themes and subthemes are asfollows.Religious DeconversionReligious deconversion, or the process of leaving religion, “ involves multiple dimensions, whichmay include, finally, the termination of membership in a religious community, but it may alsoinvolve the loss of religious experience, intellectual doubt or denial regarding religious beliefs,criticisms of the morality and the values of the religious community, and emotional suffering orcrises” (Streib, 2021). For participants who needed to deconvert their religious upbringing, thisprocess often came with numerous consequences:“I started using drugs after I got my confirmation. I publicly told the school and myparents that I don't believe in God. I was acting out in church and stuff, and they actuallysent me to a psych-ward… I knew I didn't believe anymore, but also my life startedcrumbling a little bit.”Another participant who left the Amish knew his family would suffer right alongside him, butthe costs were too high to deny his truth and remain an atheist in secret. This participant’sleaving his faith was traumatic for him, and shattered assumptions about how the world worksand his place within it, gave way to instability of his emotional state and identity. Thisparticipant’s denouncement of the Bible had serious moral underpinnings:Dissertation 57“I mean I realized that God was simply imaginary, at least as far as I could tell. He'simaginary. Once I realized that, that's when I really felt like a ship. Just without a rudder,floating around. I didn't know where I was. It was such a shock to me, and it took me awhile to get my bearings. I knew it would totally change so many things. And it woulddisrupt my family so terribly. And the more I researched, the more I dug in, the more Irealized it, I didn’t see how I could get back. It's sort of like when Oliver Wendell Holmessaid, “A man’s mind once stretched by a new idea can no longer regain its originaldimensions.” But I just couldn't go back. I mean, I could maybe have conformed to theAmish rules of life and lifestyle. But I could never go back to a book that well, in onesimple fact, endorses slavery. I cannot recognize that as moral, it is in fact, what Iconsider immoral.”When participants came from religious families who did not accept their atheist identity, theyexpressed a strong desire to be at the very least accepted. Many participants have had to learnhow to accept that their atheist identity will never be accepted, though they wish they didn't haveto. When one participant spoke to being shunned by the Amish, including by his ten children, heexperienced a breakdown of his cognitive functioning:“I tried to be as friendly and helpful as I could. But after they left and the house wasempty, that's when it really came crashing down on me. And I called my sister the nextmorning, who was never an Amish Mennonite, and told her what I'm going through andshe was concerned. She was concerned that I possibly might do some harm to myself.And she tried her best to encourage me. And I don't know that I was at that point ofactually despairing of life, but I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the mostmiserable time in my life I've ever experienced. I don't even like to think about it. Itaffects me to think about it too much.”When asked about what his family thinks of him now, he speaks to the fact that they believe hehas been deceived by Satan:“Well, they feel I'm deceived by Satan, which is sort of funny because I don't even believein Satan. But that's what they would think. That I'm deceived by Satan, and that I'mrebellious and stubborn and taking my own way. And until I repent, they have no hope forDissertation 58my soul, they feel like I will go to hell. And however you believe in hell, a lake of fire andeternal torment. That's how they would feel. But they do try to be kind and friendly to me.They're not mean and unkind. They try to be kind and maybe draw me back through love,if they can. Sometimes they've done what I call love bombing which is very interesting.And I appreciate all their efforts, but I just can't go there as far as the doctrine and theBible.”One participant pointed to his natural curiosity that led him to deconstruct the beliefs of hisparents and broader community. This participant seemed privy to critical thinking, and hedescribed science and the cosmos as his Bible:“I think the reason I became atheist was just natural inquisitiveness. I loved mythology,science. And my first understanding of mythology is what they used to believe, a longtime ago before science came along, and kind of destroyed all those old gods. And then asI got older, I started realizing that the God that I've been brought up to believe in was notthe only one out there, there were other religions of Hindus and Muslims… And my firstthought when I was a child was like, what about all those poor people that are believingin the wrong God? And then I realized, wait a minute, what if I'm believing in the wronggod? And I kind of evolved into “I think we're all believing in the wrong god! There isn'tone. And that's pretty much the reasoning that came behind it. I didn't even know what anatheist was for the longest time. It was like, I just didn't believe and then one day, I hearda term and I was like, what's an atheist? And I was like, that's me. I think I read CarlSagan’s Cosmos. And I think that just kind of cemented my whole doubt into religion.That became my Bible, basically, when I was young.”PTG: Existential ChangeThe posttraumatic growth category of existential change was also talked about in great detail byparticipants. It seems as though in the absence of any God, they have had to actively search for astructured existential understanding of themselves and the world. For many of these participants,their lives, including their beliefs about the world and themselves, were shattered by theirhistory of traumatic experiences. Following this major disruptive and destructive impact on theirlives, they had to pick up the pieces in new and creative ways as they felt immense emotionalDissertation 59and psychological pain. In the absence of a belief in god(s), participants have had to figure outtheir version of a good life. One participant spoke to his meaning of life:“As Monty Python says in his classic song, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” hasbecome my motto. “When life seems jolly rotten, there's something you’ve forgotten andthat's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.” At one point, he says “Life’s a piece ofshit when you think of it,” and he goes on… and in a sense, it is, you know, when werealized that this is all we have. I mean, sometimes life serves us a pretty bad plate offood as it were, our serving of life, and it's very terrible. Many people suffer greatly. Andyet, all evidence points to me from what I've seen through studying evolutionary biologyand studies of the mind, brain, and neuroscience, that when the body dies, when the braindies, there is nothing left. In fact, the concept of a soul is simply an imaginary concept.And it's like Sean Carroll, the physicist, said in a debate one time about “Is there lifeafter death?” The question was, what happens when we die? And he said, “Whathappens to the flame of a candle when you put it out? It just simply is no longer there inthe same form, it's gone.” And I've come to accept that.”Meaning of LifeWhen asked about what gives their life meaning, participants often cited seemingly insignificantways they make meaning. One participant remarked that every day that they get up, that is a gift,and that alone gives their life meaning:“[Dan Barker] illustrates how life is what gives us purpose. And without going into toomuch detail, he gives the illustration of an ant colony that builds its ant colony,inadvertently next to a stream. The ants have a stream and then along comes a rainstormand the stream swells and washes their whole colony away. Do survivors, do they thengive up and just die? No, the survivors are industrious and begin to rebuild. And so lifegives us purpose. And so everyday that I can get up and breathe and eat and want to live,then I have purpose in life. And to me, that's much better than looking for some ShangriLa and that this [life] is only a dress rehearsal…“The time to be happy is now, the placeto be happy is here, the way to be happy is to make others happy. The time to be happy isnow. Living life as though it were a mere dress rehearsal makes no reason or rhyme. TheDissertation 60only way to experience the beauties of life is to take it one world at a time.” And to me,that's so sublime. And that's who I am now, I mean, I can't positively prove there's not anafterlife, I don't think there is, there seems to be no evidence of that. But if there is, well,I'll not concern myself with that, but with this life here in this world today, and ifsomething else is afterwards, then I'll worry about that, then.”After deserting religion, one participant spoke to finding liberation through the most natural, yetmost demonized, aspect of humanity: sexuality. This participant now identifies as a poly-swingerand attends meetups:“...you can take religion out of sex, but you can't take sex out of religion. Becausereligious leaders use sexual restraints on their members to control them… and I'veunderstood now from leading sexologists and experts in the field that masturbation is thefoundation of understanding our bodies and how it works, how we can, you know, get thebest out of that experience that's so primal to us.”This same participant went on to discuss other experiences of the natural world that give his lifemeaning, particularly those that his previous religion forbade him from experiencing. As hespoke about these topics, the interview was filled with wonder and awe. The heaviness of hisstory gave way to lightness:“I've developed my interest in music, the religious backgrounds I’m from didn't have anymusical instruments. So I've learned to enjoy music, radio, sports that I never gotinvolved in, I'm not into competitive sports, I'm more into hiking, biking, backpacking,skiing, that type of thing. Outdoor nature sports, and of course, my work as a furnituremaker continues to interest me. And I still have my son, my livestock, I have horses that Icare for, and I do my own shoeing. I occasionally drive a buggy, not as much as I used to.I have an electric vehicle and I am having a lot of fun with it. And I feel pretty good aboutgoing to some places now because I'm emission free, or zero emissions… Well those arethe things that really get me going.”Dissertation 61One participant spoke to what gave her life meaning. She talks about how her trauma now givesother people hope, hope that they can battle through addiction and create a life that they love.The fact that she is alive is a gift in and of itself, because life was not guaranteed:“I feel like I was living through all this crazy shit that I have done and been through…that I was just like a tourist or something…that it wasn't really happening and that whenI decided, I was just going to snap out of it and go back to my normal life. I'm almost 50.This is my life, and so being able to accept that and look at [my life] fully. It was a reallybig mess. I mean, I did some awful things. I got in a lot of trouble. I messed up mydaughter… I mean she's good now… but you know, all this unnecessary pain andsuffering and then the fact that I came out the other side. I have all these stories and sidesto me. And things are starting to reveal themselves to me, in order to make this all be forsomething. I help people… if I could do it, you could do it. And so I think that's how I'mgetting okay with [my life]. I didn't think I was gonna get another chance.”Intellectual HavenParticipants, in their own ways, all spoke to an intellectual haven that comforted them in theaftermath of trauma. When they experienced the trauma, they spoke to their coping throughintellectual topics and proponents of those topics, that validated and mirrored their identities andchoices. One participant spoke to his friend who offered a new perspective on life after death:“In fact, my atheist friend I was trying to convert [to theism] previously, I asked him,“How can you have purpose in life? If this is all you have?” He said, “Why would I haveto think so highly of myself that I have to live forever? He said, “I've had a good ride, I'vehad a good experience. And I hope that when I die, that I will have left the world just alittle bit better of a place for my children and those going after me.” And that hit me sohard. I thought, Wow, what a humble expression. And you know, in my background, myreligious background, humble humility was the hallmark of Christianity. To be a humble,lowly Christian was a high virtue. We have many songs and hymns, extolling the virtuesof humility. But we also thought that we were the privileged people of God, that we'regoing to live forever. And here, this humble atheist said, you know, he's not afraid to die.Dissertation 62And he hopes that when he dies, the world's a little bit better of a place. And he's happyand he doesn't need to live forever. I thought, wow. That just really hit me. That's cool.”This same participant could not financially access therapy, so intellectual rigor became how heeased his pain:“It was hard for me to leave myself alone with just my thoughts. Listening or readingsomething became my trusted friend, it was sort of my own self-therapy, I never have hadenough money. I've been a rather poor man after my family left, [I’ve been] trying to runthe farm and business. [But] I knew that I had to get help. And I sort of self medicatedmyself through immersion in podcasts on topic(s) of free thought and listening…the lastthing a person wants is coming out of religious trauma to go to a psychologist ortherapist, who then says, “Well, what you need to do is get right with God.”Through deconstructing oppressive beliefs, one participant has attained a sense of wonder aboutmany topics, ranging from LGBTQ+ folks to celebrating Christmas:“I attended my first gay parade in [northeast state], this last summer…And it was a lot offun. It was a lot of fun. I've met a lot of nice people. So yeah, I occasionally display amulticolored flag on the dash of my car…I have gotten to where [I] celebrate Christmas,which was a big change for me because the group's I was with, Amish Mennonites, don'tcelebrate Christmas. Christmas tree’s point to the fact that there's still life even in thedead of winter.”Separation of Church & State as a ValueParticipants expressed anger, fear, and sadness, at the threat of the melding of church and state.One participant said:“If we don't maintain strict separation of church and state and turn back some of the badlaws that had been made in the past couple of years, we're facing a situation of almost aHandmaid's Tale, which is very, very serious and frightening. And that's why I'm a, assome have said, I'm a proud member of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, andhave been for the last decade.”Dissertation 63Another participant has struggled immensely to translate the theistic language found in NarcoticsAnonymous to something that she can apply within her own belief system. She expressed bothfear and hope that society could be headed towards more fundamental religious beliefs, or on theother hand, more secular beliefs:“I think over time, as the society gets, I mean I hope, if we don't become like Sharia lawor Christian fundamentalists, then hopefully, as society becomes more secular, then[Narcotics Anonymous] will change. They're changing the literature. They're working onchanging it to be “people” instead of “He,” The Narcotics Anonymous literature waswritten in the 50s. It is going to take time to bring it up to something that I'll be happywith.”Traumatic StressAll participants spoke to the insurmountable pain that reflects traumatic stress that peaked rightafter the onset of the trauma, but that they have integrated their traumatic experiences in waysthat allow for experiences transcending pain and sadness:“But I have found now that it's been over 10 years, I've come to grips with it. I'vematured, the pain has subsided. I still have bouts of sorrow and sadness. And if I dwell onit too long, I can get emotional about it. If I would go through that whole process, I caneven feel it within me right now. But as a whole, I get up in the morning and I don'texperience pain or trauma. I have purpose in life.”One participant lost his wife traumatically at a young age. In the days and weeks after thetrauma, he reports numbness:“For the first week, I think I was numb. And I didn't sleep for days at a time. After thatfirst week, I took like two weeks off, I didn't really know what to do. I would go for longwalks in the woods and just think about things and what I could do to take care of thekids. Then I went back to work. I was having trouble focusing at work. And finally,somebody's like, you know, [participant], you need to see a therapist to help you throughthe grief.”Dissertation 64This same participant spoke to the fact that he had to abandon cultural notions of gender roles inorder to emotionally survive and process his trauma. As he spoke to me, he shed tears:“I grew up in a time when you know, guys don't cry. I think after [my wife] passed away,there was no fighting. Holding it down, you know what I mean? It was like before [mywife] died, I would fight my emotions and wouldn't cry. But after she died, it was like,there's no fighting it, just let it go. And I didn't even try to fight, you know, to force itdown…I've just come to accept that it's just part of life to be upset about certain thingsand you just have to let it go sometimes.”One participant, after experiencing extensive racial trauma, could not perform activities of dailyliving. During this time, he disaffiliated completely from the outside world:“...it wasn't really making any sense for me, I felt I was in a very bad condition. Couldn'tget myself food, I stopped going out, I stopped moving. I was locked up, I locked myselfup in a room for close to three to four weeks.”Two participants mentioned that they went to see a therapist after the trauma. One participant,when asked how she processed numerous traumas of different natures, said:“ I didn't…I was using. I was using drugs. So when I was institutionalized, I was on a lotof medication. I was buying and using other people's medication. And then the onetrauma that I actually dealt with was my boyfriend's death. And I stayed clean after that,and I wrote about it and I talked about it and I cried and I talked about it more, and I wasin therapy.”When asked if atheism hindered or helped one participant when they were in a state of traumaticstress, he pointed to the fact that he felt the full reality of his loss immediately, he said:“I don't think atheism hindered it at all. Actually, I think it actually helped me get throughit quicker. Like I said, because being a realist about it, I didn't dwell on it… I guess a lotof people might have gone to their preacher first, and they would have got the platitudes,you know, you'll meet him again, and, and all that sort of stuff.”Dissertation 65Another participant expressed anger, grief, and loss for how much of his life he wasted believingin dogma he now rejects. The time he has left to right these wrongs and to experience all of thebeautiful aspects of life he lost for 50 years seems pressing:“...when you come out as an atheist, usually from a deeply cultural religion, often you gothrough an angry stage, where you’re just angry that you were so deceived for so long. Imean, hell, I spent the majority of my life, I was 50 years old, till I came out. And it tookme all this time to realize that it's just bullshit. And how much of my life that I've missedin learning about the world and science and so many beautiful things, and acceptingpeople for who they are.”SurvivalTwo participants pointed toward an epiphany-like experience where they knew they needed tofigure out how to survive after the trauma(s) had occurred. One participant said:“It was pretty bleak. I had to get on through the day. I'm a pretty determined, stubbornperson. And I knew I had to survive. I was happy with my conclusion, as far as atheism, Ididn't have any questions about that. But I deeply missed my family, obviously… I almostfelt like I couldn't breathe any longer. I felt like my chest was being crushed with grief.And I couldn't talk hardly, I was unintelligible whatever I did try to say.”DenialThree participants spoke to their inability to use denial as a coping mechanism. Theseparticipants have had to face the reality of their lives, including their trauma and their losses,without the assuage that religion offers. They do not believe they will see their loved ones inheaven. They do not believe that everything happens for a reason, or that God has a plan forthem. Beliefs need to be empirically supported in order for them to hold weight, so when otherpeople find solace in the supernatural, at the end of the day, these individuals only have thenatural. To speak to this, one participant said quite profoundly:“Within the first month or so, the grief therapist made a comment that I seem to behealing fast. She's like “you're not in denial [about her death], because you're talkingDissertation 66about her, you know.” I kind of think that might be part of the atheist experience…youhave to own up to reality, you know what I mean? I did have a religious funeral becauseher family was religious. And I was like, well, let me talk to her family about the churchand the preacher and all that kind of stuff because it didn't mean anything to me, it waslike, if it makes them feel better, I'll have a religious ceremony. At the funeral I'd havepeople say, you'll be with her again someday and that sort of thing, and inside I'm justscreaming. Of course I didn't say it out loud, but it made me angry actually when peoplewould say those things because to me it was like no, she's gone from the only place shewill ever live.”PTG: Personal StrengthBut through this pain, three participants spoke to an increased sense of personal strength, a PTGcategory that Tedeschi and Calhoun have extensively researched:“And the other change that happened to me is I pretty much have no fear of anything. It'slike my first wife said, “Hey, let's pick up everything and move to Texas.” Okay, let's doit. So there was no fear of losing my job, maybe it’s not practical, but I survived. My firstwife dying [taught me] I can survive anything. You know, this is kind of the attitude I'vegot now. I'm not afraid of any adverse situations. And I'm still practical, but I don't haveany fear… Now, I can handle anything.”PTG: New PossibilitiesNew possibilities, another PTG pillar, was spoken to. After the trauma, participants experiencedsalient personality changes. One participant spoke to risk-taking behavior:“...before I was more of a timid, not much of a risk taker kind of person. Now I feel like,I'm willing to take more risks. Because I survived this, I can survive anything. You knowwhat I mean? I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or off a building and put my parachutewith a sheet over my head or something like that, but I'm willing to take some risks that Iwouldn't have taken years ago. When I was married to [my wife who passed away], itwas like, we had our happy little thing, and I didn't want to disturb any of that. And wellnow, it’s like, let's take the risk. Let's go for it. We're gonna get through it. I'm not afraidDissertation 67of anything anymore kind of attitude. And since [my wife] died, it's so much easier for menow to just let it go.”One participant spoke to her locus of control, because without a God to blame personal sufferingon, her and only her has the capacity to both victimize and save herself:“I have all the agencies, you know, I don't believe that these things happened to me. I'mnot a victim… I don't have a resentment against God.”Another participant echoed her beliefs, mentioning that by living in this world, and not a fantasyworld, you need to learn how to get knocked down and pick yourself up again:“I guess it's being a realist. You know, instead of having a fairy tale to make yourself feelbetter, you just take the hit, and move on.”One participant has decided to pursue a career in mental health because of the multitude oftraumas she endured, one of which was seeing a boy almost drown and die. In this situation, shewas desperate to make sense of what happened, to see the boy alive again, and to mitigate thenightmares she was having. In hindsight, she wished this was handled much differently. Now,she has the opportunity to turn the horror that she knows into something that will help others asthey experience trauma. She gets to be the person she wishes she had:“I was so angry about it, because I felt like I needed to go back to therapy, about thiskid…the nightmares. I felt angry about it. Because the mom… just the way that ithappened. I felt like it should have been different. I should have had some kind ofdebriefing after. I should have been able to have a conversation with the boy, to see theboy alive again, to talk to the mom, and all the things that I thought would have made itbetter to deal with afterwards. I was really angry about it. So I think that that's also why Iwant to pursue a [Master’s in Social Work] and just have conversations about stuff likethis.”CommunityCommunity presence seems to have been an essential component in trying to heal, as allmembers were ideologically isolated to some extent when at their lowest:Dissertation 68“The world I was living in was not real. But it was something that I also made. So nowjust knowing that I'm responsible for changing anything in my lifetime and for making mycommunity a nice place to live in, I can do everything. I can help other people, help myfamily, help my daughter. I'm fortunate in that I have found community. I found peoplethat I love… that have this commonality and a shared language, and so it's kind ofsimilar to a church community. But, I never had that and I wasn't looking to recreate that,but the fact is, that's how I was able to take responsibility for my life and change. Icouldn't do it by myself. I wound up having one super close psychotic codependentrelationship that was harmful, like, we were only hurting each other and at the exclusionof any other. It's just really supremely selfish and self-destructive. So [to] get out of thatnightmare… [you need] love and connection with another person that has a commongoal.”Finding like-minded community is not easy though, as participants have found atheists to veilthemselves due to the stigmatization in American culture. This participant specifically lives in anurban, densely populated area with a much higher rate of atheism than say, the American South,and has still had trouble finding people. She states that there may be an element of atheists notwanting to admit to themselves that they are, in fact, atheist. This would be akin to internalizedracism, misogyny, and the like:“I have recently gone on Hinge, and more people have self-identified as atheists on theapp, then I've met in any other place, and I think that maybe, there [should be] otherplaces where people can say, “I'm an atheist” and not be ashamed or afraid. Becausethere was a stigma. I wish it wasn't such a stigma because I think more people areatheists than would admit to themselves…it's not popular.”Participants who were religious and then converted to atheism lost a strong sense of communityand belonging, which they have had to rebuild in a surrogate capacity:“I knew instinctively that I had to replace my religious family with my free thinkingfamily, even though it's not nearly as good and tight knit as the religious family, which Imust say, religion really knows how to do that. So good. So so very good. In fact, someyears later, my former Amish officiant, whom I still respect quite highly, is a very likable,Dissertation 69kind, loving man, he came to visit me. And after we discussed just natural things,non-controversial things. And we visited privately in my old [woodworking] shop. And helooked at me and he said, “[Participant], do you ever miss the brotherhood?” And I said,“[Amish officiant], absolutely, absolutely.” I missed that. That togetherness, that workingtogether. I mean, when you needed work on the farm, you could count on it, they wouldcome and help you. When you need to build a barn, build a house, any type of need, andyou were expected to also help when there were needs in the community. And it's just sohard to get non-Amish people, non close-knit groups to work together. It's like herdingcats sometimes. But we need community, and it's scarce. It's not like the religiouscommunities.”Negative Attitudes and Perceptions of AtheistsAll participants mentioned experiences of othering related to negative attitudes and perceptionsof atheists. Being atheist is often associated with them worshiping the devil:“An atheist in my religious background is an ungodly person. And if you look up even thedictionary definition of ungodly it is very negative. It's a person that is not a good person.They're not honest, they're not trustworthy. They're not happy. And so an atheist doesunthinkable blasphemy by saying there is no God. In Psalms it says, “The fool has said inhis heart there is no God.”One participant spoke to the negative stereotypes of atheists:“Atheism does not and should not denote a sour, angry person. I've seen that stereotypeso many times. In fact, [my partner] and I recently watched a movie. It was a good movie,but it had that sort of stereotype of the atheist person being an angry person. Andafterwards, I kind of had a sour taste in my mouth after watching it. Because that'sdefinitely not the case. I have seen very sour and dour Christians in my lifetime that arevery unpleasant people to be around. So Christianity does not necessarily hold the key tohappiness. I think religious people can be happy. Sort of ignorance is bliss, so to speak.But it's not necessarily a guarantee of happiness.”Dissertation 70Two participants likened coming out as atheist as akin to coming out as gay, suggesting theweight of such a disclosure:“I wish people would know that religion does a lot of damage to people and it can bevery traumatic. Leaving religion is like leaving a cult. In fact, I really truly believe thatall religions, all faith religions, as far as I can tell, are a certain type of cult, some worsethan others, obviously, some more forgiving than others. But whenever you're asked tobelieve something on face value without evidence, without good evidence, withoutempirical evidence…Like Mark Twain said, “Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.”And so if there could just be a greater acceptance, I think that more atheists can come outand be outright and open about their non-belief and dispel this idea that atheists are badpeople. Sort of like the gay people coming out in the past, they started coming out, andyou realize that your uncle or your best friend was a gay person, but they're a goodperson. They've been a good neighbor to you, and they're not a mean, evil, rapist,pedophile.”“When I first came out to my parents, they weren't thrilled about it. But they've kind ofaccepted it. And well, my father passed away a long time ago, but my mom makes jokes[saying] “I'm gonna pray for you” and stuff like that, because of course, she's stillLutheran.”PTG: Changes in Relating to OthersParticipants have had to amend their ways in which they relate to other people around them.Another participant has had trust in other people shattered, and is trying to learn how to love andto trust again:“I am trying to trust people, trying to make new sets of loved ones. I now make lessfriends. I talk with less people because I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone tofeel threatened by my beliefs or by my ideas. So I just feel like making a few friends, butbeing careful to love and trust people.”One participant outs her atheist identity at Narcotics Anonymous meetings to show other peoplethat they do not need God or a higher power to get clean. She is essentially offering hope andDissertation 71creating a bridge to the other side for people who may not identify with the theistic language ofNarcotics Anonymous:“I'm in service [of others], and how I do that is when people come in or are new, or whenpeople share, and it sounds religious in the meeting, then I'll share that I'm clean and Igot my life together. I don't believe in God, I don't believe there is a God, and I don't prayor get on my knees and thank God or any of those things that you hear. You can have thesame result without having that belief system, but it's a little bit more difficult for me…thestep that I'm on is “humbly asking Him, capital H, to remove our shortcomings,” whichis so unbearable.”Advice for Other Atheist Trauma SurvivorsAll participants were asked to imagine that they were writing a “how-to” guide on how an atheistcan achieve growth after trauma. All participant answers revolved around similar themesinvolving community, purpose, and mentorship:“Find a purpose. Find a purpose and a community. Because I didn't know what to do.And then when I figured out that, if nothing else, that I could help someone else that wasin the same situation as me, that got me outside of my own immediate shit situation andthat is revelatory…just not to be self-obsessed. There are other communities, volunteerfor an animal shelter or just do something to meet other people that is not a religiouscommunity… sports. That would be my suggestion.”“Give yourself a break. Get yourself locked up in your room or go to a safer place. Beginto understand and accept yourself. Think outside of being bullied, think outside therejection…don't limit yourself to people's negative opinions. Philosophers read aboutunique people and seek knowledge and ask questions… the questions of existence. Youshould learn from other people.”“First off, seek out professional help. And preferably let them know upfront that you're anatheist. Because I have talked to other people in the past about things and they were like,well, we're a Christian-based therapy. It's like, no, we're not doing this. I'm findingsomeone else…So yeah, make sure that the therapy that you're seeking for your grief orDissertation 72your trauma is at least acceptable…not trying to force their opinions or trying toindoctrinate you at your weakest. And just know that humans are strong, people arestrong. You will survive. I think that's my biggest takeaway after [my wife] passed away,was you will survive. It's funny because I actually had another trauma that I recentlywent through… I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. But I've got throughit, I had surgery, and I'm back to work full time and great now. It doesn't matter what lifethrows at you. People are strong, and you'll get through it. You survived the trauma, youcan survive anything.”“I would say be aggressive in trying to create a new community, because if you come outof something like I've come out of, and it could be the Mennonites, it could be the Amish,it could be Jehovah's Witnesses, it could be the Mormons. You're coming out of awell-structured system that looks after you from birth to death. And so you're gonna haveto start restructuring your life, and be active in trying to find meetup groups.”Dissertation 73CHAPTER VDiscussionThis study explored the experience of posttraumatic growth for atheist populations. Usingthe tenets of interpretive phenomenological analysis, an in-depth analysis of six semi-structuredinterviews was completed. Analyzed together, the domains and themes tell a story of the atheistexperience in America when it comes to their experiences of trauma, rebirth, and integration.It appears that despite the diversity of participant characteristics, there is much overlap inhow participants have managed to make meaning of their trauma. Some participants were fromthe North-East in conservative rural areas, and some were from highly populated urban areassuch as New York City. Participants varied in age, type of trauma, age at the onset of trauma,gender, and race. Some participants came from fundamentalist families, while others were raisedby parents with more modern religious beliefs. There was some degree of schism between allparticipants and their families when they left the faith, some in catastrophic ways, and some inmore implicitly unaccepting ways.Religious deconversion, or the process of deconstructing religious faith, was mentionedby all participants. According to a study that compared German and North American deconverts,Streib (2020) speaks to various aspects that predict deconversion, and others that arecharacteristics of deconverts. Personality factors that predict deconversion include emotionalstability, openness to experience, and agreeableness. Interestingly enough, this study found thatlower emotional stability was found in German deconverts, while higher emotional stability wasfound in US deconverts (Streib, 2020). In two other studies, lower emotional stability was alsofound to predict deconversion in Belgium and China (Saraglou, Karim, Day, 2020; Hui et al.,2018). While the rise of atheism in America is substantiated, it is important to note that religiousDissertation 74people tend to procreate at a younger age and have more children than their nonreligiouscounterparts (Zuckerman, 2011). This means that most atheists in the United States were raisedwith some degree of religious presence, pointing to the fact that more people are abandoningreligious beliefs, known as deconverting, than simply being raised into atheist families andcontinuing that identity.It is important to align deconversion as an inherently existential process, because bydeconverting, one is forced to answer questions about what a moral life looks like, and wherethey go after they die. Additionally, religion is an often central aspect of one’s identity, so whenone transitions to atheism, their understanding of their identity is destabilized. Researchers haveproposed a model of deconversion, which purports that deconversion usually happens duringadolescence and early adulthood, and involves four dimensions: intellectual doubt, moralcriticism towards the way of life, emotional stress and suffering, and the repudiation of theindividual’s former community (Barbour, 1994). Brewster (2014), likens the deconversionprocess to the individuation that occurs when an adolescent moves out of the religious familyhome. In the study at hand, four participants deconverted in adolescence, and two deconverted inadulthood. Identity often refers to people’s goals, values, beliefs, group memberships, and rolesin society (Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual 2, 2008). It follows that those progressing throughadolescence are thinking about how their own beliefs differ or adhere to the ones of their parents.Just as trauma collapses meaning-making identifiers, so too does a collapse of belief. Both comewith their fair share of emotional challenges, as people learn to live in a world that feels andlooks different to them based on what they now know.One theme that I found throughout my interviews was that the participants had come tounderstand who they are and what they believe in, by comparing themselves to those who areDissertation 75religious. One participant identified as a realist and thus does not have the fantasy about deaththat religious people have. Another became quite progressive as an atheist, and compared hisown beliefs in equality to religious doctrine that is morally reprehensible. Smith (2011) echoesthis sentiment. He argues that atheists form their identity based off of the rejection from religion.For example, atheists create their identities by stating the behaviors they do not engage in, andthe beliefs that they reject. This same researcher argues that atheist identity is grounded inpersonally created meaning and life events, therefore “it is mostly idiosyncratic” or“biographical” in nature.Support and scaffolding from trusted caregivers, mentors, friends, and clinicians alike isintegral in positive identity formation both during and outside of adolescence. In fact, manyresearchers speak to the fact that identity formation is likely a co-constructed event (Bauer,McAdams, & Sakeda, 2005; King, 2001; King, Scollon, Ramsey, & Williams, 2000; Pals, 2006).One participant who deconverted in his 50s described his experience of losing a connection toboth create and deconstruct the meaning of language. One way to conceptualize this would bethat he regressed to more primitive states of mind, those of early childhood, once the beliefs thathe had spent 50 years building collapsed. He started taking risks, trying new things, buildingnew friend groups, and discovering his sexuality. This man identifies as a free-thinker andnon-conformist, and his identity was constructed as a critical reaction to the status quo. Theprocess of which this man described his own narrative, mirrored much of the adolescentexperience.In this small sample of six individuals, I found much more homogeneity in the atheistexperience than the researcher Smith (2011) suggests. In America, Christians make up themajority of the religious pool. In fact, all members I spoke to had deconverted from some branchDissertation 76of Christianity. Perhaps because of this, members shared striking similarities in their meaningmaking identifiers. Three participants said love was what brings their life meaning, because theysaw many hateful, angry Christians. All participants were able to think critically about thedoctrine and denounce it for similar reasons, all of which had to do with intellectualincompatibility. All members found beauty, awe, and wonder in the natural world that seemed tofulfill an inherent need to experience something greater than just the self. These participantswere only able to find this purpose and meaning once they had achieved relative stabilityfollowing their traumatic experiences.Alongside this research was much research suggesting that atheists may not havemeaning or purpose in their lives, which is also a driver of poor health outcomes. However, Ifound the opposite. All members spoke to ways in which their life has immense meaning.Religious peoples’ sense of meaning in life often does revolve around religion. Whether that beconverting other people so that they can be saved, living a life of service or monastic rule, takingvows of silence or abstinence to become closer to God, propping up your church throughdonation or tithing, or serving a mission in underdeveloped nations, the religious meaningmaking processes are often quite large in scale.In my meetings with these atheist survivors, I found their sources of meaning to be on amore micro scale, in that they were able to derive both wonder and awe, an essential byproductof religion, from the natural world. Participants said that living, every day you get up and arebreathing, is enough purpose for them. One participant spoke of getting an electric car in order todo his part in preserving our planet, another participant loves his kids and they give him purpose,another is going into the field of social work in order to give back in ways she wishes she wouldDissertation 77have been given. All participants found solace, and beauty, in intellectual pursuit. Topics such assexuality, atheism, politics, activism, philosophy, and nature were sources of meaning.There are common misconceptions in society that lead to the stigmatization andostracization of trauma survivors. People who have not been through trauma may believe thattrauma is something you heal from completely, or get over. The reality of the traumatized tells amuch different story. The participants of this study carry their emotional pain, but they haveintegrated their experiences in a way that allows for more room for joy. The process of revisitingtheir trauma and sharing the worst memories of their lives with me caused much trepidation inthe respondents. I witnessed these survivors muster up strength to share their story with astranger in order to help other survivors. All of them mentioned that they are willing to putthemselves in harm's way if it means that they can do absolutely anything to assuage the pain inothers that they know from their respective lived experiences so well. While interviewing thesesurvivors, all of them were able to talk about their journey to atheism in a coherent manner.There was not one person that was grappling with doubt over their atheist identity. Rather, theirsentiment seemed to be, “I don’t care if I am wrong [about a nonbelief in God]. I care about thelife I am living right here, and right now.”I was able to make a case for the relevance of this study based on a multitude of factors,but the central argument was that atheists are a growing minority in the United States, and thereis no central aspect of community for these folks who live in the fringes of society. This lack ofcommunity is postulated to be the driver of poor mental and physical health outcomes for atheistindividuals. While individuals did all continuously mention the need to find community, and thatthey have had to think in creative ways to ensure they successfully met this need, all participantsDissertation 78found community. Whether that was through atheist meetups, Facebook groups, or NarcoticsAnonymous, they knew that they needed to find other free-thinkers in the midst of their despair.While I was more or less expecting all participants to mention a lack of community, I wastaken by surprise when even those who grew up in urban contexts, have struggled to findlike-minded people. Even in more socio-politically liberal contexts, participants spoke of tryingto conceal their atheist identity in order to shield themselves from the judgment of others.Generally speaking, participants also seemed to be speaking of an erasure of the atheistexperience, as governing bodies do not validate nor accept who they are or what they believe in.This was magnified when they were experiencing trauma, as people around them offeredreligious platitudes that only made greater the pain and isolation that they already felt.Institutions representing the religious majority have largely excluded and failed to recognizeatheists, which can feel dehumanizing. All atheists I spoke to had low expectations, they just atthe very least wanted to be ignored and spared the platitudes.Posttraumatic Growth in Clinical PracticeAlthough posttraumatic growth is a phenomenon that happens naturally and often withoutthe help of psychologists, it may be of use to clinicians to verse themselves about the uniquechallenges that atheists with trauma face to provide the best care for this population. As isdemonstrated, atheists often face severe socio-cultural stigma and discrimination in the UnitedStates and may benefit from processing this often central component of their identity with mentalhealth professionals. Atheism is a neglected area of training as it is not traditionally included as avalid multicultural consideration. Until atheism is seen as a valid multicultural issue withingraduate programs, training mental health professionals will most likely never get the chance tounderstand their own biases and position in relation to this population (Brewster et al., 2014).Dissertation 79As of now, there is no evidence-based treatment tailored for atheists who have beenexposed to trauma. However, psychologists and those working in adjacent fields had begunhypothesizing what treatments may be best as early as 1980. For example, Albert Ellis, arenowned psychotherapist, has advocated for appropriate counseling decisions when treatingatheists (Ellis, 1980). He states “Atheist people tend to believe that they are responsible forcreating meaning and purpose in their lives; therapists may benefit from using anexistential-humanistic or rational emotive behavior therapy framework in clinical work” (Ellis,1980, p.635). It is clear that atheists, in line with other marginalized populations, require specialconsideration in mental health treatment, however these special considerations have not beenempirically studied.Clinical Implications & Treatment RecommendationsBishop (2018) asserts that therapists must address client concerns regarding atheism withobjectivity and empathy, as is the counselor’s ethical duty when addressing any other minoritygroup. Bishop also calls for advocacy on behalf of atheists. Even though atheists are a minorityin this nation, which happens to be the most theistic of all western industrialized nations, atheistsstill number 10 to 47 million in the United States alone. Counselors must acknowledge that beingatheist does not mean that individuals lack or do not care about finding meaning in life, perhaps,quite the opposite. Atheists rather focus on the natural world and tend to believe that constructssuch as beauty, emotions, values, and meaning can be found directly through their experienceswith the physical world.Atheists are also more likely to attribute their failures and successes to their own personaleffort, making their internal locus of control high. Langston (2014), found that nonwhites,females, and theists have a higher external locus of control, while whites, males, and atheistsDissertation 80tend to have higher internal locus of control. Hunter’s Durkheimian theory purports thatindividuals who are subjected to varying degrees of control by factors or forces outside ofthemselves are more likely to believe that external influence is the cause of their misfortune(Hunter, 2010). Counselors can leverage off of atheist internal locus of control to increasepositive therapy outcomes, as atheist individuals may be more willing to enact personaltransformation and change due to the assumption of personal responsibility. When personal effortdoes not explain their experiences, atheists are then more likely to attribute the experience tochance or luck, while theists are more likely to attribute their misfortune to God. It seems likelybeneficial to make an effort to explore what being an atheist means to the client. This explorationmay help facilitate an understanding of what language, interventions, and techniques may beappropriate for any given atheist client (Association for Spiritual, Ethical, and Religious Valuesin Counseling [ASERVIC], 2009).It is important that counselors reflect on their own beliefs and how those may impact thespiritual understanding of atheist clients. Mental health practitioners must also be able to identifylimits of their understanding of a client’s orienting worldview. Counselors must not make themistake of assuming client’s are theistic due to the overwhelming majority of the nationidentifying as so. In a non-judgmental manner, atheists deserve the same respect for individualdifferences as theistic clients do. Just as it is unethical to deny services due to someone’sLGBTQ+ status, it is also unethical to deny a client care due to their religious affiliation or lackthereof. D’Andrea and Sprenger (2007) assert that counselors are ethically obliged to acceptatheist beliefs as equally valid, real, and significant, just as they are to accept theistic clients.These findings suggest that counselors should avoid using language commonly associated with ahigher power such as “Everything happens for a reason” and “Everything is part of a larger plan”Dissertation 81because they are undermining the beliefs atheists that believe that they make meaning andpurpose themselves, as opposed to a divine being doing it for them. (Brewster et al., 2014).These religious assurances risk alienating the client or making them feel uncomfortable. Thecounselor should pay attention to the language the client uses to describe their experiences andfollow suit. Counselors may benefit from asking the client what they are comfortable with andinvite openness by encouraging the client to share if something makes them feel uncomfortable.ASERVIC (2009) Competencies assert that counselors should aim to understand a client’sreligious/spiritual perspective within the intake process. Currently, The American CounselingAssociation does not directly acknowledge non-belief as a sociocultural area of exploration, butcounselors are encouraged to interpret references to religion and spirituality as the presence orabsence of belief. The American Psychological Association has no formal statement on whetheratheists are or are not a valid sociocultural population worthy of exploration. An assessmenttitled the Measure of Atheist Discrimination Experiences can be used to gauge an atheist'sexperiences of discrimination as well as personal and interpersonal struggles (MADE; Brewsteret al., 2016). This assessment may lend itself to a stronger therapeutic alliance and a greaterability to communicate with a client as well as to support them in their beliefs (Bishop, 2018).Loneliness is often experienced by atheists because they are surrounded by religious andspiritual individuals thus making it harder for them to feel understood or as part of a group(Bishop, 2018). To assess loneliness, the UCLA Loneliness Scale can be used (Version 3;Russell, 1996). Therapists should also educate themselves on the atheist community and theirunique challenges that they face in this predominantly Christian nation. Therapists should haveatheist resources to offer clients on hand, such as internet groups, forums, or local meetups.Dissertation 82Cultivating Community EngagementThe literature on religiosity and its associated benefits has often been accompanied withreports that the absence of this religious belief is accompanied by various negative liabilities(Galen, 2015). However, the beneficial nature of religion in most cases is due to not belief itself,but to social engagement and participation in supportive groups. It follows that atheists canbolster the positive effects of religion by not believing alongside other non-believers and in turncreating community and belongingness. This study has researched the ways in which atheistbeliefs are non-traditional, and the ways in which these atheists and associated beliefs are notunderstood nor recognized. Lack of recognition is an emotional stressor for atheists, and it is onethat the participants spoke to. Meetups, facebook groups, formal organizations in schools,universities, and communities shift the individual atheist to collective atheist. These groups oftenfocus on more than just their secular identity and include other socio-political issues andcommunal activities like the dissemination of science and critical thought, promotion ofchurch-state separation, and volunteering or community service. Atheists that are a part of abroader social group have been shown to have greater well-being and prosociality whencompared with unaffiliated atheists. Instead of promulgating evidence of believers being moreprosocial, we should instead be focusing on the ubiquitousness of social belonging. Thiscommonality of human experience can be amplified in the treatment process, as it supports asense of belonging.General Guidelines for PTG in All PopulationsIn Tedeschi & Calhoun’s (2012) text titled Posttraumatic growth in clinical practice,information and general guidelines for both clinicians and clients are discussed. The authorssuggest that the therapist take on the role of an expert companion while practicingDissertation 83evidence-based interventions. Tedeschi & Calhoun (2009) define an expert companion as aclinician who attends to client matters beyond just symptoms, going as far as asserting thatclinicians will “be adopting roles as practical philosophers who struggle alongside patients in theprocess of making sense of patients' illnesses and finding purpose in life following these medicalevents. Clinicians will be expert companions, who focus on uncovering strategies for movingbeyond the stressful aspects of disease,” in addition to relating “to the patient primarily assomeone from whom much can be learned, rather than as a person who needs to be changed ortreated.”Clinicians are also advised to appreciate the paradox and ambiguity that surrounds PTG,focus on thinking dialectically with the client, and behold the patience necessary to process theseconcerns with the client. Clinicians should never insinuate that trauma in and of itself sets thestage for growth, or that the trauma is good in any way. Rather, the experience of struggle afterthe trauma is what sets the stage for PTG. PTG is not universal, therefore there should not be aubiquitous expectation that every trauma survivor will experience growth or that growth is anecessary outcome for trauma recovery. Although PTG often happens without therapeuticintervention, it has been shown that journaling in order to cognitively process one’s emotionalresponses to the event rather than just the facts or associated emotions alone, create higher levelsof PTG after four weeks (Ullrich & Lutgendorf, 2002). Clinicians can encourage individuals tojournal as a way to develop a narrative around their experience.Clinicians can be used as facilitators of the PTG process, however it should be noted thatdirective attempts to move trauma survivors towards understandings that they have notexperienced likely hinders the PTG process for a client (Positive Psychology in Practice, 2004).PTG is not merely intellectual but rather experiential in nature, and this is what makes theseDissertation 84changes so powerful for survivors. Tedeschi and Calhoun remark that they “...see the clinician’srole as often subtle in this facilitation” (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2012). The clinician “must be wellattuned to the client when the client may be in the process of reconstructing schemas, thinkingdialectically, recognizing paradox, and generating a revised life narrative” (Positive Psychologyin Practice, 2004). Tedeschi and Calhoun emphasize that these recommendations do notconstitute a technique to be employed or a new school of therapy to be created. Instead, therecommendation is for clinicians to broaden their literacy around elements of PTG and helpclients to further explore and consider these elements of PTG. They assert that these guidelinesare part of a general clinical perspective that fits into many schools of therapy. Clinicians alsoneed to address the high levels of emotional distress by providing support to the client that canthen make this distress manageable in an effort to help the client regain enough stability that theyare able to cognitively engage with the trauma again. As was discussed in this study’s literaturereview, cognitive engagement, cognitive processing, and cognitive change, including narrativereconstruction, are overarching goals that the clinician can facilitate in therapy.Delving into the framework that the trauma survivor has created is the essence of aclinician’s duty when working with survivors (Positive Psychology in Practice, 2004). Theclinician must listen carefully to the language that the survivor employs to describe their crisisand psychological response and then join the client in their lexicon. It is also useful for cliniciansto feel comfortable delving into spiritual and existential matters with the client, and then torespect and work within the framework that the client provides and is trying to build. A clinicianshould respect a client's narrative even if the clinician believes there are positive illusions at play.Humans generally utilize certain cognitive distortions and survivors of trauma fall under thisumbrella. Positive illusions, even aspects of denial, can be adaptive when rebuilding orDissertation 85maintaining character structure and ego-strength. It is in the opinion of Tedeschi and Calhounthat a clinician will need to have some degree of tolerance and respect for these biases, becauseclinical attempts to modify these cognitions so that positive illusions are abandoned doespsychological harm. A general posture can be taken when working with trauma survivors, andthat is to listen without trying to solve. This supports and facilitates some revised version of theinternalization of the trauma. One way of achieving this stance is to relate to the trauma survivorin such a way that their story affects you personally, because being changed in the face ofsomeone's experience of trauma and it’s aftermath communicates a high level of respect forclients and can even encourage them to see the value that said clinician sees, in their ownexperience. Having an impact on the other is self-enhancing as it reintegrates the notion that theclient exists, that what happened to them is real, that they are of value. Acknowledging this valueis a bridge connecting the trauma to PTG.Survivors of trauma may need to tell their story repeatedly, which serves an exposurefunction (Positive Psychology in Practice, 2004). It is important that clinicians be versed indomains of PTG, and then listen to and label PTG for the client in a way that is cognitivelysalient to them. Timing is important, and highlighting areas of PTG too early risks invalidatingthe client and coming off as insensitive. Additionally, survivors’ growth may be bolstered bygroup formats, where their gift of compassion learned from their struggle post-trauma are able toshine. Sometimes an individual will endure something so horrible that it is hard for them toacknowledge that any growth is possible. In this situation, a therapist should not push a client todiscover the truth of PTG, but still be open toward the possibility that growth is possible. Atherapist might ask “You may have heard people say that they have found some benefit in theirDissertation 86struggle with trauma. Given what has happened to you, do you think that is possible?” (PositivePsychology in Practice, 2004).LimitationsDue to the nature of my inclusion/exclusion criteria, I was not able to speak to baselinefactors that may have contributed to PTG. There are a number of within group differences I didnot account for. Such differences include existing protective and risk factors, nature of thetrauma, culture and race, age at the time of the trauma, and socioeconomic status of survivors. Itis likely that these factors contribute to an individuals’ PTG trajectory, but this study was notdesigned to study these critical factors. Sampling bias likely played a role in the specificsurvivors who self-selected to participate in this study. Survivors with a more salient andcentralized atheist identity are more likely to self-select for a study surrounding atheism.Additionally, due to the title of this dissertation, The Experience of Posttraumatic Growth forAtheists, agnostics may not have believed that they qualify.Researcher Reflexivity StatementThe material presented and discussed in this dissertation is deeply complex which leavesroom for redefinition and opposing interpretations. Meanings and concepts addressed here arelikely to change or become obsolete as cultural contexts change over time. While the researcherwas being scaffolded by her chair and committee members to maintain researcher reflexivity, shewas still the vessel that the data traveled through. There were numerous similarities anddifferences in how she and the participants learned to survive without the aids that are affordedto religious communities. This study should be seen as a constellation of individual subjectiveexperiences that ultimately aid in a more nuanced subjective understanding of the phenomenabeing studied.Dissertation 87In qualitative research, there is always a risk that the researcher's prior experiences willcloud or spill over into the participant’s experience. The goal of this project was for theresearcher to act as a conduit that transfers the participant’s meaning making experiences into theliving body of this text with as little bias as possible. While it is impossible to be a blank slate, itis possible to actively work to reduce biases and filters that the data travels through. In order tomitigate this effect, the researcher utilized semi-structured interviews that allowed the participantto “go” wherever they wanted to go in what could be known as a participant-led interview, not aresearcher one. This researcher attitude allowed the participants to reflectively choose what wasmost important in their journey of posttraumatic growth, and to share that knowledge with theresearcher in a way that made intuitive sense to them. The participant was able to magnify orcontract whatever data they deemed important for the researcher and the audience of this projectto know.Something else to consider is how the researcher’s clinical training and understanding ofposttraumatic growth theory “led” the participants to the answer that most closely mapped ontothe theory, and for the researcher to pay attention to what most closely mapped onto the theory.Though the interview was semi-structured, it appeared that those participants who seemed earlierin the process of fully integrating their trauma into their personal life narrative, particularly theones that experienced their trauma more recently, required more conversational scaffolding. Theresearcher specifically did not use any language associated with posttraumatic growth in theinterview questions. Instead, the researcher asked the participants to reflect on their uniqueexperiences and how they may be different before and after the trauma. While all participants didmention at least one posttraumatic growth category, they did so without the researcher leadingthem to those answers.Dissertation 88I, Savannah Miller, discussed various aspects of my own history as it relates to thepopulation being studied in my Un/trustworthiness statement. Additionally, given my clinicalbackground logging 600 hours face-to-face hours working with trauma survivors, I do have somesense of what posttraumatic growth looks like. In this project, I constantly asked myself, byreading and re-reading, and by watching and rewatching, what the true meaning of theparticipant's experience was. I asked myself “Is this what they truly wanted me to know? Or, ismy own training and experiences clouding my understanding of the essence of what they weretrying to tell me?” If I noticed that I felt particularly familiar with any participant or contentpoint, I gave that area extra time for reflection on my part.I disclosed that I am a complex trauma survivor and an atheist, and I chose this researchproject specifically because of my own experiences as a trauma survivor in this primarilyreligious nation. I have spent twelve years of my life in therapy integrating what has happened tome by focusing on altering the ways in which trauma negatively impacted my identity and senseof self. Through this work, I have developed an inherently self-reflective stance. I know, moretimes than not, what I contribute to the world in my relationships and my clinical work. I alsomake intentional efforts to recognize when I do not know. Because of this insight, I was able toname what my biases were as they happened in real time so as not to let them guide me, butrather, trail behind me as data in regards to my reactions to the client. At points, my reactionstold me about the client, and at other points, my reactions told me about me.Though my trauma did not mirror the nature of the trauma of the participants, thecorrelates of trauma are extensively studied. The participants each described the nature of theirtraumatic distress, and some stories varied vastly from my experience, and some varied lessvastly. Complex trauma, otherwise known as attachment or developmental trauma, is also aDissertation 89distinct area of trauma, the effects of which have more severe outcomes for the subject. Allparticipants did not report complex trauma, but rather, trauma that more closely maps onto thesymptom clusters of “classic” PTSD.I knew, to some extent, that similarities in the data would be easier for me to spot becauseof my knowledge of theory. I therefore went into these interviews reflecting on confirmationbias, and did my best to listen acutely for differences, as well as similarities. I utilized a journalduring and after the interviews to take notes on the interviewee, but also my emotional reactions.I wanted to know points that aroused defensiveness in me, so as to name what is “mine” fromwhat was theirs. While the content of each story was entirely unique, it was the process that Ifound to be repeated. Those process points are largely reflected as the unifying themes that Ifound. The content, as you have seen, is listed through direct quotes. This content speaks more tothe unique flavor and individual differences than the overarching themes do. The reader shouldtake care to consider these contextual variables.Recommendations for Future ResearchThis study was the first of its kind because atheists, especially in their experience oftrauma and PTG, are an understudied population. This population would benefit from additionalresearch focus surrounding all facets of their human experience, given the growing nature of thisgroup.ConclusionPosttraumatic growth, or positive change after trauma, occurs as the result of shatteredemotional, relational, physical, spiritual, and existential beliefs. It is in this collapse that anindividual can find a new emotional experience, relational values, physical strength, spiritualDissertation 90affiliation or lack thereof, and existential answers. As has been displayed in this literature review,atheism is a valid sociocultural group that has not been paid focus in the R/S research in theUnited States. Given that atheists are a minority and growing population in the US, the need tostudy and understand atheists and their experience of posttraumatic growth only becomes morerelevant as time progresses. Among the plethora of reasons atheism has been excluded from thereligion and spirituality literature in psychology is its complicated history of once being ruled byhumanism and atheism and its gradual move towards recognizing that beliefs outside of thenatural world are vital to diversity and identity. In the comprehensive religion and spiritualityliterature, which links religion and spirituality to positive health outcomes, atheism has beenincorrectly deduced to predict poorer physical and psychological health outcomes. Similarlogical fallacies that pit religiosity and atheism, and their outcomes, as the antithesis of oneanother have also taken root. Now, in a country where religiosity estimates hover around 80%,atheists as an out-group are prone to negative stereotypes, slander, denial of opportunities,coercion, social ostracism, and hate crimes (Brewster et al., 2020).We know that assigning meaning to trauma is essential in the process of PTG. In fact,PTG can be viewed as a meaning-making process and outcome. PTG happens in the wake ofshattered beliefs about the world, and those that have higher resilience are less likely to havetheir beliefs shattered, making it less likely that they experience growth. Oftentimes, the sameevent that causes someone to develop PTSD also creates new ground to achieve PTG.PTG is a relatively new area of study, however the concepts of PTG have been writtenabout in religious texts for thousands of years. These texts have guided people as they haveencountered life’s unavoidable suffering, and then looked for ways to heal from this suffering,since their inception. Atheists do not have a universal text or organized belief system, howeverDissertation 91atheists can create their own belief systems. Little common knowledge is known about theseindividual beliefs or how they came to be. PTG is a process in which individuals are forced to doexactly that. There are many evidence-based treatments that are tailored to specific marginalizedgroups such as those that are Black, Asian American/Pacific Islander, native populations,LGBTQ+ individuals, and those that have been traumatized in general, to give a few examples.This tailored care was developed in light of the fact that the field of psychology recognizes thatthese identities create unique challenges for people and that these unique challenges need to bematched with a unique therapeutic framework.Six atheist individuals were interviewed for this study in order to understand theirexperience of trauma and its aftermath. These individuals differed in the nature of trauma,geographic location, and the ways in which they have made meaning, but there were strikingsimilarities in what meaning they derived from their lives. These survivors spoke to themesranging from their process of religious deconversion, to their meaning in life. Participantsmentioned PTG categories of existential change, personal strength, new possibilities, andchanges in relating to others. All survivors spoke of an initial absence of community and then anactive seeking of community. These survivors all managed to make meaning of horrificcircumstances, but they did so without the aid of religious texts.This study is but one that contributes to a small but growing body of literature aimed atthe experience of posttraumatic growth for atheists. It is my hope to have told these survivors’stories with care, compassion, and respect. Speaking to them has been an incredibly meaningfuland important endeavor in my career. 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I may withdraw and discontinue participation at any time without penalty.2. If I feel uncomfortable in any way during the interview session, I have the right todecline to answer any question or to end the interview.3. Participation involves being interviewed by the researcher of this study, SavannahMiller. The interview will last approximately 90 minutes, but 120 minutes will beprovided to adjust for individual differences in answers. Notes will be written during theinterview and it will be recorded. If I don't want to be recorded, I will not be able toparticipate in the study.4. I understand that the researcher will not identify me by name in any reports usinginformation obtained from this interview, and that my confidentiality as a participant inthis study will remain secure. Subsequent uses of records and data will be subject tostandard data use policies which protect the anonymity of individuals and institutions.5. University of San Francisco administrators will neither be present at the interview norhave access to raw notes or transcripts. This precaution will prevent my individualcomments from having any negative repercussions.Dissertation 1086. I understand that this research study has been reviewed and approved by theInstitutional Review Board. For research problems or questions regarding subjects, youmay contact IRBPHS@usfca.edu7. I have read and understand the explanation provided to me. I have had all my questionsanswered to my satisfaction, and I voluntarily agree to participate in this study.8. I have been given a copy of this consent form.______________________ ____________________________ ____________My Printed Name Signature DateSavannah MillerInvestigator Name Investigator Signature DateFor further information, please contact Savannah Miller at 415-680-5793Dissertation 109Appendix B: Posttraumatic Growth Inventory- Expanded (PTGI-X)Dissertation 110Dissertation 111Appendix C: PCL-5Dissertation 112Appendix D: Disclaiming StatementThis study is designed for people who have moved beyond a state of traumatic stress. Ifyou are feeling distressed and at the height of your experience of trauma and it’s aftermath, thisis not the right study for you, and we advise that you seek help from a mental health professionalif you are struggling. There is hope for you.Dissertation 113Appendix E: Eligibility SurveyThank you for your interest in this study. The goal of this research is to interview atheistswho have experienced a traumatic event or events and who show evidence of posttraumaticgrowth. Atheists are an under-represented group in existing psychological research. Pleasecontact me, Savannah Miller, at smiller17@usfca.edu with any questions. I invite you to answerthe questions below and hope for the opportunity to interview you in the near future.1. How old are you? (short answer)2. What is your gender identity? (man/woman/gender non-conforming/other)3. How would you describe your racial/ethnic and/or cultural identity? (short answer)4. How many years of education have you completed? (short answer)5. What is your employment status? (short answer)6. If applicable, what is your profession? (short answer)7. Do you believe in a God or Gods? (yes/no)8. How long have you identified as atheist?9. What city and state do you live in currently? (short answer)10. Where did you grow up? (short answer)11. What is your yearly income? (short answer)12. Are there any other parts of your identity that are important for you to express to theresearcher? (short answer)13. Would you be willing to participate in an approximately 60 minute individual interviewto share more about your experiences with atheism/trauma/posttraumatic growth?(yes/no)Dissertation 1147. If yes, please provide your email address & phone number below, so we can schedule atime to meet on Zoom at your convenience. Interviews will occur between July andSeptember of 2023. Email address & phone number (short answer)8. Do you prefer to be contacted by phone call, email, or text to schedule an interview?Please select all that apply (by selecting phone call you are consenting for researcher toleave a voicemail if call is not answered):○ Email○ Phone call○ Text9. If you prefer to be contacted by phone call, what are some times that work well for you?Please include your time zone. (short answer).10. Thank you for completing this survey. I will reach out to you via your preferred means ofcontact within the next week to notify you whether or not we will be able to have aninterview together. If you are able to participate in this study, I will invite you to schedulea time to meet with me for an individual interview. Please be prepared to block off abouttwo hours in your schedule in order to complete this interview. The interviews will occursometime between July and September of 2022. I hope to connect with you soon and I’mlooking forward to learning about your experiences.Warmly,Savannah Millersmiller17@usfca.eduDissertation 115Appendix F: Ineligibility Auto-Generated ResponseWe regret to inform you that you are not eligible for this study at this time. Please findresources including crisis lines, a mental health provider database, and self-help and copingresources below. You can also contact your primary care clinic or local community mental healthclinic directly to help find the care you may be seeking. We thank you for your willingness tocomplete this survey.Dissertation 116Appendix G: National Center for PTSD ResourcesLink to Crisis Support Lines WebpageLink to Provider DatabaseLink to Self-Help & Coping ResourcesDissertation 117Appendix H: Interview GuideThank you for your interest and willingness to be a participant in this interview and in thisproject. I am looking forward to learning more about you and your life story today.Before we begin, I would like to give you a brief introduction about myself so you are awareof who is interviewing you today and what lenses I see the world through. I am a White,cisgender woman, and you can see that I am relatively young. Since entering the ClinicalPsychology PsyD Program at University of San Francisco, I have undergone various educationaland professional opportunities to develop a focus on trauma and trauma survivors.If asked: I am also a trauma survivor myself. I have experienced both the debilitatinglypainful and beautiful aftermath of these experiences. I acknowledge and intimately know howpainful it can be to talk about both of them.The purpose of this study is to better understand how atheist individuals who haveexperienced trauma or traumas have managed to achieve some level of posttraumatic growth. Iwelcome you to share your stories in as much detail as you like and I commit to you that yourstory will be honored and treated with great care. With all of that in mind, do you have anyquestions for me before we begin?To do this research, we will be recording our conversation today. Your disclosures will bede-identified, meaning I will not be using your name in my report and no other person besidesme will have access to your interview. Is that okay with you?1. Before beginning, I’m wondering if you could tell me a little bit about yourself? Thiscould include parts of your identity, your interests, where you live, where you work?2. How did your atheist belief system develop over time?3. What are the reasons that atheism currently feels the most reflective of your identity?Dissertation 1184. Have you experienced any negative stereotypes and perceptions attached to being atheist?a. If yes, how so?b. How have those perceptions affected your ability to make meaning out of whathas happened to you?5. What is your perception about the level of community involvement you currently have?This can include family, friends, support groups, atheist groups, etc?(Transition: “We are going to be moving into questions that may be hard to answer. You can tellme you need a break or to stop altogether at any point. I am a psychology trainee and I work as atherapist to trauma survivors. Sometimes things happen to us that are extremely upsetting, thingslike death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexualviolence. These can happen through direct exposure, witnessing the trauma, or learning that arelative or close friend was exposed to a trauma. After the traumatic event, people oftenexperience symptoms that can be painful, but they also can and usually do experienceposttraumatic growth. We will be talking about both sides of the aftermath of trauma today. I willdo everything I can to make you comfortable and safe in this interview process. Your safety ismy primary concern.”)6. To start, can you describe the nature of the trauma you endured?7. What did life look like for you in the days, weeks, years, and months after the trauma?Feel free to answer this question in narrative form.8. How did you make sense of what happened to you?9. What was it like to think about and feel the emotions connected to the trauma after it hadhappened?Dissertation 11910. Did you find that you experienced changes in how you made meaning out of life since thetrauma? How so?11. What changes feel most prominent or notable when looking at the last X months/yearssince the trauma happened?12. How did your life continue to go on after the trauma?13. Are there ways in which the trauma affected your self-esteem? If so, how did you managethis?14. If applicable, how did you come to understand the other people who participated in orcontributed to your trauma?a. How did forgiveness play or not play a role?b. If needed, do you have an ongoing relationship with your abuser? What is thecaliber of that relationship now?15. What happened in your life after trauma that may not have occurred had the trauma nothappened?16. Tell me about how atheism helped or hindered your growth after the trauma?17. What do you wish more people knew and understood about atheism, trauma, and growthafter trauma in the United States?18. Imagine you were writing a “How-To” guide on how an atheist can achieve growth aftertrauma in a primarily religious nation, what might this guide say?Dissertation 120Appendix I: Data Analysis TableTheme Example Quote(s)ReligiousDeconstruction“I started using drugs after I got my confirmation. I publicly told the school andmy parents that I don't believe in God. I was acting out in church and stuff, andthey actually sent me to a psych-ward… I knew I didn't believe anymore, but alsomy life started crumbling a little bit.”“I mean I realized that God was simply imaginary, at least as far as I could tell.He's imaginary. Once I realized that, that's when I really felt like the ship. Justwithout a rudder, floating around. I didn't know where I was. It was such a shockto me, and it took me a while to get my bearings.I knew it would totally change somany things. And it would disrupt my family so terribly. And the more Iresearched, the more I dug in, the more I realized it, I didn’t see how I could getback. It's sort of like when Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “A man’s mind oncestretched by a new idea can no longer regain its original dimensions.” But I justcouldn't go back. I mean, I could maybe have conformed to the Amish rules of lifeand lifestyle. But I could never go back to a book that well, in one simple factendorses slavery. I cannot recognize that as moral, it is in fact, what I considerimmoral.”“I tried to be as friendly and helpful as I could. But after they left and the housewas empty, that's when it really came crashing down on me… I almost felt like Icouldn't breathe any longer…My chest was being crushed with grief. I couldn'ttalk hardly, I was unintelligible whatever I did try to say. And I called my sister thenext morning, who was never an Amish Mennonite, and told her what I'm goingthrough and she was concerned. She was concerned that I possibly might do someharm to myself. And she tried her best to encourage me. And I don't know that Iwas at that point of actually despairing of life, but I was I was pretty well, I didn'tknow what to do with myself. It was the most miserable time in my life I've everDissertation 121experienced. I don't even like to think about it. It affects me to think about it toomuch.”Subtheme: FamilyInfluence“I have one my oldest child and daughter she's with that severe ultra conservativeMennonite group that drives cars. They have a particular settlement up here inMaine, of all places, though, they're based in Tennessee. And she's with them. Andactually, almost as it's it's harder to talk with her than it is even with my Amishdaughter. It's extremely cultish.”“Well, they feel I'm deceived by Satan, which is sort of funny because I don't evenbelieve in Satan. But that's what they would think. That I'm deceived by Satan, andthat I'm rebellious and stubborn and taking my own way. And until I repent, theyhave no hope for my soul, they feel like I will go to hell. And however you believein hell, a lake of fire, and eternal torment. That's how they would feel. But they dotry to be kind and friendly to me. They're not. They're not mean and unkind. Theytry to be kind and maybe draw me back through love, if they can. Sometimesthey've done what I call love bombing which is very interesting. And I appreciateall their efforts, but I just can't go there as far as the doctrine and the Bible.”“I think the reason I became atheist was just natural inquisitiveness. I lovedmythology, science. And my first understanding of mythology is what they used tobelieve, a long time ago before science came along, and kind of destroyed allthose old gods. And then as I got older, I started realizing that the God that I'vebeen brought up to believe in was not the only one out there, there were otherreligions of Hindus and Muslims…And my first thought when I was a child waslike, what about all those poor people that are believing in the wrong God? Andthen I realized, wait a minute, what if I'm believing in the wrong god? And I kindof evolved into “I think we're all believing in the wrong god! There isn't one.”And, and that's pretty much the reasoning that came behind it. I didn't even knowwhat an atheist was for the longest time. It was like, I just didn't believe and thenone day, I heard a term I was like, what's an atheist? And I was like, That's me. IDissertation 122think I read Carl Sagan in Cosmos. And I think that just kind of cemented mywhole doubt into religion. That became my Bible, basically, when I was young.”Traumatic Stress“But I have found now that it's been over 10 years, I've I've come to grips with it.I've matured, that the pain has subsided, it's still I still have bouts of sorrow andsadness. And if I dwell on it too long I can get I can get emotional about it. If Iwould go through that whole process, and I can even feel it within me right now.But as a whole, I get up in the morning and I I don't experience pain or trauma. Ihave purpose in life.”“I grew up in a time when you know, guys don't cry. I think after [my wife] passedaway, there was no fighting. Holding it down, you know what I mean? It was likebefore [my wife] died, it was like, I would fight my emotions and wouldn't cry. Butafter she died, it was like, there's no fighting it, just let it go. And I didn't even tryto fight, you know, to force it down…I've just come to accept that, you know, it'sjust part of life to be upset about certain things and just have to let it gosometimes.”“...it wasn't really making any sense for me, I felt I was in a very bad condition.Couldn't get myself food, I stopped going out, I stopped moving. I was locked up, Ilocked myself up in a room for close to three to four weeks.”“ I didn't…I was using. I was using drugs. So when I was institutionalized, I wason a lot of medication. I was and I was buying and using other people'smedication. And then I mean, the one trauma that I actually dealt with was myboyfriend's death. And I stayed clean after that, and I wrote about it and I talkedabout it and I cried and I talked about it, and I was in therapy.”“I don't think atheism hindered it at all. Actually, I think it actually helped me getthrough it quicker. Like I said, because being a realist about it, I didn't dwell onit… I guess a lot of people might have gone to their preacher first, and they wouldDissertation 123have got the platitudes, you know, you'll meet him again, and, and all that sort ofstuff.”“...when you come out as an atheist, usually from a deeply cultural religion, oftenyou go through an angry stage, where you’re just angry that you were so deceivedfor so long. I mean, hell, I spent the majority of my life, I was 50 years old, till Icame out. And it took me all this time to realize that it's just bullshit. And, and,and how much of my life that I've missed in learning about the world and scienceand, and so many beautiful things, and accepting people for who they are.”Subtheme: Survival“It was pretty bleak. I had to get on through the day. I'm a pretty determined,stubborn person. And I knew I had to survive. I was happy with my conclusion, asfar as atheism, I didn't have any questions about that. But I deeply missed myfamily, obviously… I almost felt like I couldn't breathe any longer. I felt like mychest was being crushed with grief. And I was just I couldn't talk hardly, I wasunintelligible whatever I did try to say.”Freethinking “I immersed myself in, in reading books on free thought, and atheism, obviously.And I was deeply in fascinated with evolutionary biology because it was a wholenew world. And so I was listening almost constantly to audiobooks and readingwhen I could and working hard to make a living. And I also listen to a lot ofpodcasts freethought radio, the Thinking Atheist podcast, sometimes I I've been ondifferent podcasts by the way, there's one called the plain people's podcast haseven been on other rather odd podcasts which is hard to explain but what's theone podcast that I was on? Geez, what's wrong with me tonight. Normalizing nonmonogamy podcast has become extremely popular amongst non monogamouspeople.”PTG: ExistentialChange“As Monty Python says in his classic song, “ Always Look on the Bright Side ofLife” has become my motto. “When life seems jolly rotten, there's something youforgotten and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.” At one point, he saysDissertation 124“Life’s a piece of shit when you think of it,” and he goes on… and and in a sense,it is, you know, when we realized that this is all we have, yeah, I mean, sometimeslife serves us a pretty bad plate of food as it were, and our serving of life, and it'svery terrible. Many people suffer greatly. And yet, all evidence points to me fromwhat I've seen through studying evolutionary biology and, and, and, and studies ofthe mind, brain and neuroscience, that when the body dies, when the brain dies,there is nothing left. In fact, the concept of a soul is simply an imaginary concept.And it's like Sean Carroll, the physicist, said in a debate one time about “is therelife after death?” The question was, what happens when we die? And he said,what happens to the flame of a candle when you put it out? It just simply is nolonger there in the same form, it was, it's gone. And I've come to acceptSubtheme: Meaningof Life“[Dan Barker] illustrates how that life is what gives us purpose. And withoutgoing into too much detail, he gives the, the illustration of an ant colony thatbuilds its ant colony, inadvertently next to a stream. The ants have a stream andthen along comes a rainstorm and the stream swells and washes their wholecolony away. Do survivors, do they then give up and just die? No, the survivorsare industrious and begin to rebuild. And so life gives us purpose. And soeveryday that I can get up and breathe and eat and want to live then I havepurpose in life. And to me, that's much better than than looking for some ShangriLa and that this [life] is only a dress rehearsal…“The time to be happy is now, theplace to be happy is here, the way to be happy is to make others happy. A time tobe happy is now. Living life as though it were a mere dress rehearsal makes noreason or rhyme. The only way to experience the beauties of life is to take it oneworld at a time.” And to me, that's so sublime. And that's, that's who I am now, Imean, you know, I can't positively prove there's not an afterlife, I don't think thereis, there seems to be no evidence of that. But if there is, well, I'll not concernmyself with that, but with this life here in this world today, and if something else isafterwards, then I'll worry about that, then.”Dissertation 125“...you can take religion out of sex, but you can't take sex out of religion. Becausereligious leaders use sexual restraints on their members to control them…and I'veunderstood now from leading sexologists and experts in the field thatmasturbation is the foundation of understanding our, our bodies and how it works,how we can, you know, get the best out of that experience that's so primal to us.”“I've developed my interest in music, the religious backgrounds I’m from didn'thave any musical instruments. So I've learned to enjoy music, radio. sports that Inever got involved in, I'm not into competitive sports, I'm more into hiking, biking,backpacking, skiing, that type of thing. Outdoor nature sports, and and of course,my work as a furniture maker continues to interest me. And I still have my son, mylivestock, I have horses that I care for, and I do my own shoeing. I driveoccasionally a buggy, not as much as I used to. I have an electric vehicle and I amhaving a lot of fun with that. And feel pretty good about going someplace nowbecause I'm zero emission free, or zero emissions… Well those are the things thatreally get me going.”“I feel like I was living through all this crazy shit that I have done and beenthrough… that I was just like a tourist or something…that it wasn't reallyhappening and that you know, when I decided I was just going to snap out of itand go back to my normal life. I'm almost 50. This is my life, and so being able toaccept that and look at [my life] fully. It was like a real big mess. I mean, I didsome awful things. I got in a lot of trouble. I messed up my daughter… I meanshe's good now… but you know, all this unnecessary pain and suffering and, andthen the fact that I came out the other side. I have all these stories and sides to me.And things are starting to reveal themselves to me, in order to make this all be forsomething. I help people… if I could do it, you could do it. And so I think that'show I'm getting okay with [my life]. I didn't think I was gonna get anotherchance.”Dissertation 126Intellectual Haven“In fact, my atheist friend I was trying to convert previously, I asked him himself,how can you have purpose in life? If this is all you have? He said, “Why would Ihave to think so highly of myself that I have to live forever? He said, “I've had agood ride, I've had a good experience. And I hope that when I die, that I will haveleft the world just a little better place for my children and those going after me.“And that hit me so hard. I thought, Wow, what a humble expression. And youknow, in my background, my religious background, humble humility was thehallmark of Christianity. To be a humble, lowly Christian was a high virtue. Wehave many songs and hymns, extolling the virtues of humility. But we also thoughtthat we were the privileged people of God that we're going to live forever. Andhere, this humble atheist said, you know, he's not afraid to die. And he hopes thatwhen he dies, the world's a little better place. And he's happy and he doesn't needto live forever. I thought, wow. That just really hit me. That's cool.”“it was hard for me to leave myself alone with just my thoughts. Listening orreading something became my trusted friend, it was sort of my own self-therapy, Inever have had enough money. I've been a rather poor man after my family lefttrying to run the farm and business. [But] I knew that I had to get help. And I sortof self medicated myself through immersion in podcasts on topic(s) of free thoughtand listening…the last thing a person wants is coming out of religious trauma togo to a psychologist or therapist, who then says, Well, what you need to do is getright with God.”“I attended my first gay parade in Portland, Maine, this last this this latesummer…And it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. I've met a lot of nice peopleand yeah. So yeah, I occasionally display a multicolor flag on the dash of mycar…I have gotten to where [I] celebrate Christmas, which was a big change forme because the group's I was with, Amish Mennonites, they don't celebrateChristmas. Christmas tree’s point to the fact that there's still life even in the deadof winter.”Dissertation 127Subtheme: Denial“Within the first month or so, the grief therapist made a comment that I seem to behealing fast. She's like “you're not in denial [about her death], because you'retalking about her, you know.” I kind of think that might be part of the AtheistExperience…you have to own up to reality, you know what I mean? I did have areligious funeral because her family was religious. And I was like, well, let me talkto her family about the church and the preacher and all that kind of stuff becauseit didn't mean anything to me, it was like if it makes them feel better, I'll have areligious ceremony. At the funeral I'd have people say, you'll be with her againsomeday and that sort of thing, and inside I'm just screaming. Of course I didn'tsay it out loud, but it made me angry actually when people would say those thingsbecause to me it was like no, she's gone from the only place she will ever live.”Subtheme:Separation ofChurch and State“If we don't maintain strict separation of church and state and turn back some ofthe bad laws that had been been made in the past couple of years, we're we'refacing a situation of almost a Handmaid's Tale, which is very, very serious andfrightening. And that's why I'm a, as some have said, I'm a proud member of theFreedom From Religion Foundation, and have been for the last decade.”“I think like over time, as the society gets, I mean I hope, if we don't become likeSharia law, Christian fundamentalists, then hopefully, as society becomes moresecular, then [Narcotics Anonymous] will change, like they're changing theliterature. They're working on changing it to be “people” instead of “He,” TheNarcotics Anonymous literature was written in the 50s. And so.. it is going to taketime to bring it up to, you know, something that that I'll be happy with.”PTG: PersonalStrength“And the other change that happened to me is I pretty much have no fear ofanything. It's like my first wife is like, you know, hey, let's pick up everything andmove to Texas, like, Okay, let's do it. So it was no fear of losing my job, or, youknow, it's like, we got a little bit of money saved up, let's, you know, maybe, youDissertation 128know, not practical, but But I survived. My first wife dying on, you know, dying, soI can survive anything. You know, this is kind of the attitude I've got now, it's, youknow, it's, I'm not afraid of any adverse situations. And I'm still practical, but I'mnot. You know, I don't have any fear of, you know, oh, the company's laying peopleoff, but we'll also have, you know, it's that kind of mentality. Now. It's like, youknow, I can I can handle it.”PTG: NewPossibilities“...before I was more of a timid, not much of a risk taker kind of person. Now Ifeel like, I'm willing to take more risks. Because I survived this, I can surviveanything. You know, what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna jump off a bridge or off abuilding and put my parachute with a sheet or my head or something like that, butI'm willing to take some risks that, that I wouldn't have taken years ago. When Iwas married to [my wife who passed], it was like, we had our happy little thing,and I didn't want to disturb any of that. And we're now it's like, you know, let'stake the risk. Let's go for it. But we're gonna get through it. You know, I'm notafraid of anything anymore kind of attitude. And since [my wife] died, it's so mucheasier for me now to just let it go.”“I have all the agencies, you know, I don't believe that these things happened tome. I'm not a victim… I don't have a resentment against God.”“I guess it's being a realist. You know, instead of having a fairy tale to makeyourself feel better, you just take take the hit, and move on.”Community“The world I was living in was not real. But it was something that I also made. Sonow just knowing that I'm responsible for changing anything in my lifetime andfor making my community a nice place to live in, I can do everything. I can helpother people, help my family, help my daughter. I'm fortunate in that I have foundcommunity. I found people that I love… that have this commonality and a sharedlanguage, and so it's kind of similar to a church community. But, you know, IDissertation 129never had that and I wasn't looking to recreate that, but but the fact is, that's how Iwas able to take responsibility for my life and change. I couldn't do it by myself. Iwound up having one super close psychotic codependent relationship that washarmful, like, we were only hurting each other and at the exclusion of any other.It's just really supremely selfish and self-destructive. So [to] get out of thatnightmare… [you need] love and connection with another person that has acommon goal.”“I have recently gone on Hinge, and more people have self-identified as atheistson the app, then I've met in any other place, and I think that maybe, if there wereother places where people can say, “I'm an atheist” and not be ashamed or afraid.Because there was a stigma. I wish it wasn't such a stigma because I think morepeople are atheists than would admit to themselves…it's not popular.”“I knew instinctively that I had to replace my religious family with my freethinking family, even though it's not nearly as good and tight knit as the religiousfamily, which I must say, religion really knows how to do that. So good. So so verygood. In fact, some years later, my former amish officiant, whom I still respectquite highly, is a very likable, kind, loving man, he came to visit me. And after wediscussed just natural things, non-controversial things. And we visited privately inmy old [woodworking] shop. And he looked at me and he said, “[Participant], doyou ever miss the Brotherhood?” And I said, “[Amish officiant], absolutely,absolutely.” I missed that. That togetherness that working together. I mean, whenyou needed work on the farm, you could count on it, they would come and helpyou. When you need to build a barn, build a house, any type of need, and you wereexpected to also help when there were needs in the community. And it's just sohard to get non Amish people, non close-knit groups to work together. It's likeherding cats sometimes. But we need community, and it's scarce. It's not like thereligious communities.”Dissertation 130Negative Attitudesand Perceptions ofAtheists“An atheist in my religious background is an ungodly person. And if you look upeven the dictionary definition of ungodly it is very negative. It's a person that isnot a good person. They're not honest, they're not trustworthy. They're not happy.And so an atheist does unthinkable blasphemy by saying there is no God. InPsalms it says, “The fool has said in his heart there is no God.”“Atheism does not and should not denote, a sour, angry person. I've seen thatstereotype so many times. In fact, [my partner] and I recently watched a movie, itwas a good movie, but it had that sort of stereotype of the atheist person being anangry person. And afterwards, I kind of had a sour taste in my mouth afterwatching it. Because that's definitely not the case. I have seen very sour and dourChristians in my lifetime that are very unpleasant people to be around. SoChristianity does not necessarily hold the key to happiness. I think religiouspeople can be happy. Sort of ignorance is bliss, so to speak. But it's notnecessarily a guarantee of happiness.”“I wish people would know that religion does a lot of damage to people and it canbe very traumatic. Leaving religion is like leaving a cult. In fact, I really trulybelieve that all religions, all faith religions, as far as I can tell, are a certain typeof cult, some worse than others, obviously, some more forgiving than others. Butwhenever you're asked to believe something on face value without evidence,without good evidence, without empirical evidence…Like Mark Twain said, faithis believing what you know ain’t so. And so if there could just be a greateracceptance, I think that more atheists can come out and be outright and openabout their non-belief and dispel this idea that atheists are bad people. Sort of likethe gay people coming out in the past, they started coming out, and you realizethat your uncle or your best friend was a gay person, but they're a good person.They've been a good neighbor to you, and they're not a mean evil, rapistpedophile.”Dissertation 131“When I first came out to my parents, they weren't thrilled about it. But they'vekind of accepted it. And well, my father passed away a long time ago, but my mommakes jokes [saying] “I'm gonna pray for you” and stuff like that, because ofcourse, she's still Lutheran.”PTG: Changes inRelating to Others“I am trying to trust people, trying to make new sets of loved ones. I now makeless friends. I talk with less people because I don't want to be judged. I don't wantanyone to feel threatened by my beliefs or by my ideas. So I just feel like makingfew friend, but being careful to love and trust people.”Advice for OtherAtheist TraumaSurvivors“Find a purpose. Find a purpose, and a community.”“Give yourself a break. Get yourself locked up in your room or go to a saferplace. Begin to understand and accept yourself. Think outside of being bullied,think outside the rejection…don't limit yourself to people's negative opinions.Philosophers read about unique people and seek for knowledge and ask questionsthat are that question the existence Yeah, you should learn from other people.”“First off, seek out professional help. And preferably let them know upfront thatyou're an atheist. Because I have talked to other people in the past about thingsand they were like, well, we're a Christian based therapy. It's like, no, we're notdoing this. I'm finding someone else…So yeah, make sure that the therapy thatyou're seeking for your grief or your trauma is at least acceptable…not trying toforce their opinions or trying to indoctrinate you at your weakest. And just knowthat humans are strong, people are strong. You will survive. I think that's mybiggest takeaway after [my wife] passed away was you will survive. It's funnybecause I actually had another trauma that I recently went through… I wasdiagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. But I've got through it, I hadsurgery, and I'm back to work full time and great now. It doesn't matter what lifeDissertation 132throws at you. People are strong, and you'll get through it. You survived thetrauma, you can survive anything.”“I would say be aggressive in trying to create a new community, because if youcome out of something like I've come out of, and it could be the Mennonites, itcould be the Amish, it could be Jehovah's Witnesses, it could be the Mormons.You're coming out of a well structured system that looks after you from birth todeath. And so you're gonna have to start restructuring your life, and be active intrying to find meetup groups.”

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